Whatever

I went to go make myself a cheese quesadillia today because cheese+tortilla+1 minute in the microwave = GAAAAHCHEEZYGOODNESS, and I noticed that we have two bags of tortillas in the refrigerator, but one is labeled “Original Wraps,” and the other is “Large Flour Tortillas.” The tortillas inside both are exactly the same — same size, same calorie count, etc — but I also happen to notice that the “wraps” package is a six count package, while the “flour tortilla” package is an eight count package.

So then I went upstairs to my computer (taking my cheese quesadilla with me, because research is hungry work), to check to see what the pricing was on both packages. On Netgrocer.com the 6-count package of Mission Wraps is $3.85, while the 8-count package of Mission Large Flour Tortillas is $3.59. The individual product — the flat, thin object made of flour — is exactly the same, but apparently if you call it a wrap, you can charge more, and offer fewer per package — than you can if you call it a tortilla.

Please note here that my methodology here is highly anecdotal — I have checked but one online retailer and but one brand of wrap/tortilla. That said, I wouldn’t be entirely surprised to discover that in a general sense “wraps” come in packages with fewer units in them, and that on a per unit basis they are significantly more expensive than when the same objects are called “tortillas.”

Why “wraps” might be more expensive than “tortillas” despite in fact being the same damn thing is an exercise I leave to the reader. I’d personally like to believe it’s something other than a food manufacturer and/or retailer catering to the latent insecurities of white people when presented with an ethnic food object as exotic as a tortilla. Whatever the reason, as a consumer tip, may I suggest that the next time you plan to make a wrap of some sort, that you head for the tortillas. You might save yourself a little cash.

Hey there — Subterranean Press has released another on of my short stories for the Kindle and Nook: “Tale of the Wicked,” which originally showed up in the New Space Opera 2 anthology, back in 2009. It’s got spaceships and aliens and battles and computers and explosions, not necessarily in that order, and it’s a pretty good story if I do say so myself. Here’s the link to the Kindle edition, and to the Nook edition. In the UK? There’s a Kindle edition for you too. Everywhere else in the world? Working on it.

While I’m pointing that out, this is also a fine time to note that SubPress also released a different short story of mine a few weeks back, which I completely forgot to mention because I was busy training were-badgers to do my dark bidding. Nevertheless I’m telling you now that “An Election,” my 2010 of a human guy running for a city council post in a district dominated by alien races, is also now available in Kindle and Nook formats. it does not feature spacecraft and explosions, but it does feature aliens — quite a few of them — plus local politics and lots of humor. So I think you’ll dig it if you haven’t read it already. It’s also available on Amazon UK.

Both stories go for 99 cents in the US and 77, what? Pence? in the UK. Enjoy.

It’s come round that time when the Election Committee of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America makes its call for candidates to serve on our board. I have decided to step forward once more (last, last very last time I swear) as a candidate for President, a position to which I was first elected in 2010. I had originally intended to step down at the end of this term, but on reflection decided there were still some things I wanted to accomplish in the role, and it made sense to try them over the course of an additional year. Whether I get that year will be up to SFWA members, of course; they may be tired of me and my management style. In which case I hope they elect someone else, rather than, say, stabbing me Caesar-style at the Nebula Awards. Please, SFWA members: No stabbing. That’s pointy and hurts.

If you are a SFWA member, you may read my candidacy letter and platform in the SFWA Elections Forum. For everyone else, to summarize, my platform this year focuses on threading the needle of creator rights in the electronic age, taking advantage of SFWA’s imminent incorporation in California to fundraise, particularly for our medical and legal funds, and to use new ideas to promote the literature of science fiction and fantasy. And since last year’s VOLCANO-POWERED LASER was completed and deployed (bwa ha ha ha ha HAH ha), I will this year work on bulking up on SFWA’s corps of HYPER-INTELLIGENT WERE-BADGERS, who will come in the night against all those who would try to mess with our members’ livelihoods. That’s right, were-badgers. You think you’re ready to fight a were-badger. But really, you are not. You’re just not.

Let me also take a moment to note to the SFWA members among you that you may wish to consider to run for office as well, even for the position of President. There are five positions up for election: President, Vice-President, Secretary, Treasurer and Western Regional Director. SFWA does good work for its members and for writers, but that work is dependent on the service of volunteers, including board members. It’s entirely possible to serve on SFWA’s board and maintain an active career — I’ve written two books while serving on the board (and am working on one now) and will have released three by June 30. Serving on the board is work, but it’s not all-consuming. Think about what SFWA does for you, and then ask if it’s time for you to do for SFWA. Here’s the call for candidates, in SFWA’s forums. Give it some thought, please.

This is not the first time Krissy has been caught hugging babies with her teeth. But can you blame her? They are so tender! You could just eat them up! Just!

Note: The baby survived, largely untasted.

Hey, today’s a big day for me in the land of (some of) my ancestors! It’s the day that the Italian version of Old Man’s War hits bookstores. It’s been retitled Morire Per Vivere, which if Google Translate is to be trusted translates out to something like “Dying to Live.” Well, that’s not entirely unrelated to the events in the book, so, cool. I’d been hoping for a while that I would get a Italian book deal because with a name like Scalzi, I don’t know. I just felt like it would be nice to be in that market. And now I am. Thank you, Gargoyle Books.

For those of you wondering how I read in Italian, Gargoyle has posted the first chapter of OMW/MPV on its site here; it’s the pdf link down there at the bottom. I took one quarter of Italian in college and did miserably at it, so someone will have to tell me if it’s a good translation. I’m going to assume it is.

In short: tell all your friends in the old country to go and buy it right this very second. Grazie.

Seems that some people believe that the “Athena Vs. the LP” video was staged. Athena, naturally, responds:

There, I think that should settle the question.

More seriously: Come on, people. Athena: Not stupid, and as anyone who spends any time here knows, used to dad pulling out the camera and recording her, perchance to post here on the site. It’s not like I hid the camera in the greenery. So when I start filming her and telling her I want to show her something, it’s possible that she’s aware I’m looking for a reaction, and she might be in the mood to oblige me. In which case two things are simultaneously possible: One, that she actually is holding an LP for the first time and responding to it; two, that she might be doing a little bit of improv. The fact that people seem to be outraged that she’s not acting exactly like an Amazonian tribesman encountering his first iPod seems a bit silly.

People elsewhere also seem somewhat shocked and surprised that I might disable comments over at YouTube, which suggests that people elsewhere might be a little dim. I understand that there are people who believe they have a god-given right to be abusive cretins to a 13-year-old girl, but I’m not one of them, especially when the 13-year-old girl in question is my kid, and I have the ability to turn off the comments. Surprise! I do believe Rebecca Black still has her comments on; they can go bother her if they like.

Anyway, now the world has Athena’s official rebuttal to the critics. I’m sure they will be thrilled.

Over at FilmCritic.com, I look at this year’s Academy Award nominations and what they mean for science fiction and fantasy (short answer: not much). But when you have a mediocre year in SF/F films, you shouldn’t expect much in the way of Oscar love. Check it out, and leave any thoughts you have on the topic there.

And for a slightly different take, here’s Tor.com explaining why it was a fantastic year for science fiction and fantasy at the Oscars. This is because they claim Hugo and Midnight in Paris as science fiction/fantasy films, and I don’t. I explain why in my column.

As I do every year when the Academy Award nominations come out, I put on my film critic hat and try to guess which nominees are eventually going to walk away with Oscar gold. This year’s nomination slates are frankly wacky, so I can say without hesitation that I wouldn’t put a huge amount of stock in my guesses at the moment — but that’s fine since I usually do a follow-up right before the award ceremony in which I factor in everything that’s changed in the race. So, having hedged myself sufficiently, here are my guesses, right now.

BEST PICTURE
“The Artist” Thomas Langmann, Producer
“The Descendants” Jim Burke, Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, Producers
“Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close” Scott Rudin, Producer
“The Help” Brunson Green, Chris Columbus and Michael Barnathan, Producers
“Hugo” Graham King and Martin Scorsese, Producers
“Midnight in Paris” Letty Aronson and Stephen Tenenbaum, Producers
“Moneyball” Michael De Luca, Rachael Horovitz and Brad Pitt, Producers
“The Tree of Life” Nominees to be determined
“War Horse” Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, Producers

After two years in which the Best Picture field had ten slots, the Academy instituted a new rule that allows for up to ten nominees, but all nominees must have at least 5% of the nomination vote (or something like that). This year apparently only nine films got more than 5% of the nomination vote. This still allows for a wide range of nominees, and this year’s Best Picture slate is commercially and artistically diverse. But who cares about that? We want to guess who will win.

First step: Toss out every nominee whose director is not nominated this year, since it is very rare for a film to win Best Picture without its director also being nominated (the last time it happened was 1988, with Driving Miss Daisy). So long Extremely Loud, The Help, Moneyball and War Horse.

After that I suspect Midnight in Paris is next off. Usually I’d say it’s because it’s a comedy and comedies don’t win Oscars (the last straight up comedy to win was Allen’s own Annie Hall, 35 years ago), but this year is different on that score. I don’t think it will win because even though this is considered Allen’s best picture since Hannah and Her Sisters, it’s arguable that it is as good as Allen’s films were in his heyday, and anyway, everyone knows he won’t come to the ceremony anyway. Next off from there is The Tree of Life; I think nominating Terrance Malick films is the closest thing the Academy members have to being hipsters, and that’s not enough to take home the statue.

After that things get wonky for me. Hugo has been having a hell of a run, and you can argue that even with awards for The Departed that the Academy still owes Martin Scorsese some Oscars; if Departed caught them up for Raging Bull, Hugo would catch them up for Goodfellas. But at the end of the day this is a family film, and that presents a problem. Not because a family film can’t be brilliant — please, don’t paint me with that brush — but because the last full-on family film to win the Best Picture Oscar (if you don’t count Slumdog Millionaire, and I don’t, because it wasn’t marketed that way) is Oliver! back in 1968. I think the Academy sees family films like it generally sees comedies: nice to nominate occasionally but not something you’d usually let win. The Scorsese name counts for something, but ultimately it’s not going to be enough.

So it comes down to The Artist and The Descendants, and why this is an unusual year: Both of them are comedies, with varying amounts of drama in them, and that’s kind of mindblowing (the Golden Globes put The Descendants in its Drama category, which suggests that those folks were more interested in their awars ratings than anything else). The question is which of these the Academy will choose. On one hand The Descendants has George Clooney at the top of his game, and Alexander Payne has been plugging away for years with films that are best described as “comfortably auteurish,” of which this film may be the very best example. So giving the award to this film would be something of a career award. On the other hand The Artist is genuinely novel (a silent, black and white film in 2011), is not just a stunt, which is something just short of a miracle, has a hell of a lot of momentum coming out of the Golden Globes and — this is not trivial — is distributed by The Weinstein Company, which means that Harvey Weinstein will be doing his thing of corralling Oscar votes. Given that Weinstein managed to jam Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan and The King’s Speech over The Social Network (as just two examples), if one of his films is a contender, you can’t count him out.

If I’m going to pick now, I’d go for The Descendants. But I have no confidence in that pick, and think Harvey Weinstein is perfectly capable of cutting enough balls to push The Artist over the top. Let’s check back just before the awards and see how I feel.

Will Win: The Descendants
Should Win: The Artist

BEST DIRECTOR
Michel Hazanavicius, “The Artist”
Alexander Payne, “The Descendants”
Martin Scorsese, “Hugo”
Woody Allen, “Midnight in Paris”
Terrence Malick, “The Tree of Life”

Allen out first; it’s not his year (and he’s got three Oscars anyway). Malick out next; I see him getting one of those Lifetime Achievement Oscars in the not-too-distant future. Of the three remaining it’s a toss up for me, since I think Scorsese has a tremendous amount of good will in the Academy, Payne is at the top of his form and Hazanavicius pulled off a silent, black and white film in the 21st century. Flipping a three-sided coin, I’m going to give it to Payne since I am nominally guessing The Descendants will win Best Picture, but again: No confidence and watch out for Hazanavicius getting a Weinstein boost.

Will Win: Payne
Should Win: Hazanavicius

LEAD ACTRESS
Glenn Close, “Albert Nobbs”
Viola Davis, “The Help”
Rooney Mara, “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo “
Meryl Streep, “The Iron Lady”
Michelle Williams, “My Week With Marilyn”

Rooney Mara is having a good year but it’s not going to extend all the way to winning an Oscar, especially with this lineup. After that, who knows? Normally I discount any Streep nomination because she’s seemingly nominated regardless, but this year she’s playing Margaret Thatcher and the extra historical personage tang might mean something (one disadvantage: Streep’s performance is generally seen as the best thing about the film). Michelle Williams is also playing a beloved icon — in this case Marilyn Monroe — but I wonder if she’s stuck doing time in what I used to call the Kate Winslet cage, i.e., everyone assuming she will win an Oscar at some point, but maybe just not yet. Close’s film has been little-seen but this would be a fine time to give her a career award. Any of the three could take it but in the what I think is most likely is that Viola Davis will, not just for her performance in The Help (which is by all indications worthy) but because, like Sandra Bullock’s win for The Blind Side, it will be the recognition that particular Best Picture-nominated film will get for all of its efforts.

Will Win: Davis
Should Win: Davis

LEAD ACTOR
Demián Bichir, “A Better Life”
George Clooney, “The Descendants”
Jean Dujardin, “The Artist”
Gary Oldman, “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy “
Brad Pitt, “Moneyball”

Ever heard of Bichir before? Neither have I. His nomination is fantastic, because it means the folks in the actor’s branch really are searching high and low for the best performances, no matter where they are and who performs them. I wish Bichir well and all future success. He has no chance. On the other side of the spectrum, it’s somewhat appalling to consider that this is Oldman’s first Oscar nomination — seriously, Academy voters, what the hell? — and aside from what is by all accounts a rock solid performance in Tinker, I would be inclined to give the man the Oscar as a career award. But this year may not be the year for that. Pitt I think has a good chance simply for being Pitt (i.e., a movie star who also is serious about the acting), but in the end I think it will come down to Clooney and Dujardin. Dujardin has the flashier performance (you try acting without talking for a whole film) but Clooney’s willingness to play a schlub despite looking like, you know, George Clooney, is probably going to count for something. I’m going to call it for Dujardin on the grounds that it’s unpossible that Clooney won’t be back here again (hell, he’s got a screenwriting nomination this year), but I also note that’s probably me projecting.

Will Win: Dujardin
Should Win: Oldman

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Bérénice Bejo in “The Artist”
Jessica Chastain in “The Help”
Melissa McCarthy in “Bridesmaids”
Janet McTeer in “Albert Nobbs”
Octavia Spencer in “The Help”

Spencer out first; Nobbs is little seen and the spotlight there, I think, is on Close. Bejo out next, although like Ginger Rogers with Astaire, she’s doing everything Jean Dujardin is doing, backwards and in heels. I think there’s a fine chance that Spencer and Chastain will cancel each other out although of the two I could see Chastain pulling through, in part because of solid performances this year as well in Tree of Life and The Debt. But you know what? I think the Academy is going to want to give it to McCarthy, both for her performance and as recognition for Bridesmaids in general. And I would applaud such an award, personally.

Will Win: McCarthy
Should Win: McCarthy

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Kenneth Branagh in “My Week with Marilyn”
Jonah Hill in “Moneyball”
Nick Nolte in “Warrior”
Christopher Plummer in “Beginners”
Max von Sydow in “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”

Wow, I have absolutely no idea about this category at all, except to suggest it’s probably not going to be Jonah Hill. Otherwise it’s Pick Your Favorite Woefully Overlooked Actor day. If we were going purely by most nominations, you’d have to give it to Branagh, since he’s been nominated four times before, twice as many as the next nearest (Nolte, who was nominated twice before). But then Plummer and von Sydow are both pretty damn old, and, sorry, that’s a factor in this category. On the other hand Nolte possibly has the oldest vital organs of any of them. Honestly, who can say. I do know that if Hill does win it, he’s going to get pummeled by senior citizens. I’m going to go with von Sydow for no other reason than that the power of Christ compels me, although personally I have a soft spot for Branagh (who is playing Laurence Olivier here to boot) so he’s probably who I would vote for myself.

Will Win: von Sydow
Should Win: Branagh

Other categories: I have a hunch Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy might get a nod in Adapted Screenplay, while I wouldn’t be surprised the The Artist gets it in Original Screenplay, especially if it’s seen as a compensation Oscar for Michel Hazanavicius. I would likewise not be surprised if The Artist gets cinematography. I’d like to note that Cars 2 isn’t an Animated Feature Film nominee this year, which I think is correct; it’s the worst Pixar film by a considerable margin (which means, mind you, that it’s no worse than the average Dreamworks Animation feature). I’m going to guess Rango gets it this year because I suspect director Gore Verbinski is well-liked.

Your thoughts?

I mentioned in my con report that I had received an ARC of Redshirts, my upcoming novel; for those of you who are for some reason skeptical about that (why? why?) here it is on my desk. And before you ask, no, it has not been licked. That was a one-time thing, people.

I think most of you know that ARC is an acronym for Advance Reader Copy, which is the version of the book publishers give to reviewers and booksellers so they can do their respective evaluations. It’s the text of the book, prior to a final sweep for text errors and possibly a few edits. The ARCs of The Ghost Brigades, for example, was missing a sentence or two from the final page.

In addition to the text of the novel, the ARC also often lets booksellers and other interested parties (including the author him or herself) know what the promotion and marketing plans for the book are. As an example, here’s the plan for Redshirts:

I knew most of this, although a couple of things were a surprise to me. Hey! I’m gonna do Redshirt podcasts! Well, okay. It could be fun. Also, consider this the announcement that yes, I will be doing a book tour this year, almost certainly in June, which is when the book is out. No, I don’t know which cities, and if you tell me “you should come to [insert city here]!” I’ll do what I usually do, which is to say, that would be fantastic but it’s not up to me, since I go where they tell me. I’ll also note that these noted marketing plans aren’t everything; between now and the release date I may have a few surprises for you.

That’s all very nice, you say, but what I really want is an ARC. Well, if you’re a reviewer you can request one from Tor; they’re putting together a list. My own set of ARCs is at this point entirely claimed, except for one. Which I will probably give away here… after I devise some nefarious contest that pits all of you against each other in a bloody fray BWA HA HA HAH HA HAH HA.

Sorry, I really need to stop typing when my id takes over. Point is: Yes, I’ll do a giveaway here at some point. Be vigilant.

I am soooooooo far behind on e-mail at the moment. I swear I’m going to catch up on most of it this afternoon. If you had e-mailed me in the last couple of weeks and were hoping for a response and do not get one by noon tomorrow, please feel free to resend. Thanks.

The Supreme Court unanimously says law enforcement needs a warrant for GPS monitoring. I like the part where it’s unanimous. Here’s a pdf of the decision.

My Confusion convention weekend started a bit inauspiciously; when Krissy and I arrived at the hotel the con was at, we noticed that I had managed to leave my suitcase behind, meaning that as far as clothing was concerned, I had what I was wearing and that was all. This precipitated a moment of panic before I realized I was a relatively well-off individual who lived in an advanced, first-world country, and could easily procure new attire at one of the numerous retailers who dotted the local landscape. Problem solved.

Other than that minor hiccup, Confusion was fantastic. I think many of you know that I consider Confusion my “home” convention — i.e., the convention I go to just for fun and to see friends rather than to flog myself and my product — so it’s usually a chance to relax and hang out and enjoy myself. This year was no exception to that; while I did programming (the first time in a couple of years, actually), what the convention was mostly about was catching up with people I like and getting to meet some new people as well.

This year was especially good for the latter, since Confusion was rather ridiculously top-heavy with writers this year. Above and beyond the usual local crowd (in which I include myself, as well as Anne Harris, Sarah Zettel, Tobias Buckell and Jim C. Hines among others) there was also Patrick Rothfuss (as the Guest of Honor), Brent Weeks, Peter V. Brett, Joe Abercrombie, Jay Lake, Robin Hobb, Elizabeth Bear, Scott Lynch, Howard Andrew Jones, Brad Beaulieu, Saladin Ahmed (who is actually local now, so: ONE OF US ONE OF US ONE OF US), Cat Rambo, Kristine Smith, Michelle Sagara and debut novelist Myke Cole and a bunch of others I’m forgetting and not naming because eventually lists become boring. The point is: Dude, many cool writers, many of whom I got to meet in the flesh for the first time.

I have already discussed the Legendary Licked Book of Epic Confusion, but other highlights of the weekend included bringing scrunchies and a lacy hot pink thong to a D&D game featuring many of the writers name-checked above, attending the release party for Saladin’s excellent and almost absurdly well-reviewed debut novel Throne of the Crescent Moon (which will have a Big Idea feature soon, incidentally), where among other things we discussed unlubricated emus and thrilled to Joe Abercrombie’s fabulous and almost too-accurate Admiral Ackbar imitation, and my joint reading with Toby Buckell, at which he unleashed the first chapter of Arctic Rising, his new (and very good) near future thriller.

I myself showed off the ARC of Redshirts (which Tor very graciously sent over to me at the hotel, so I could in fact show them off) and tried not to go all Gollum and scream “NO! MY PRECIOUS!!” whenever anyone asked to see it. On the other hand, the most common thing people did when I did hand them the ARC was to pretend to run, so you tell me who was being paranoid here. I think at least a couple of them would have run, had not Krissy, my vengeful, raven-tressed Amazon of a wife, been on hand to tackle and punish them. And punish them she would have. My wife is awesome.

Basically, it was a fantastic time all around and you wish you could have been there, unless you were there, in which case, you are glad you were. I’m looking forward to doing it all over again next year. Although next year I really do intend to remember my suitcase.

While I was away at a science fiction convention, the world stubbornly went on without me. Here’s what I think of some of what happened.

Photo by Gage Skidmore via Wikinews

* South Carolina GOP Primary: Loved it. Dear Republicans: I think your current reignited fling with Newt Gingrich is fantastic. Definitely make him your nominee. He’s the only candidate still in the race who can win over independents! He’ll totally destroy Obama in the debates! He’s cuddly! I can see no possible way the “Newt as nominee” plan could ever go wrong. Please do it. Please please please please please please please.

Even better: Newt/Santorum 2012! Just think about it.

* Joe Paterno, Dead: I don’t find it too surprising. A man who spent his life doing one thing, and who had it taken away from him in the most dramatic and dispiriting way possible, is not a man who is going to be in a position to put up a huge fight against a life-threatening illness. Mind you, that last sentence appears to excuse Paterno from agency (or lack thereof) in having his life’s work taken from him, and I don’t want to do that. Paterno’s failures regarding the sexual predator in his circle are his to own, now and forever. I know it pisses off a lot of Penn State alumni and/or football fans that it will always be part of his legacy. I imagine in his last days it made Paterno sad as well.

* Giants/Patriots in the Super Bowl: On Super Bowl Sunday, I’m going to the alternate universe where the Ravens and 49ers are playing. That’s a game worth watching commercials around!

* SOPA shelved: Good, because it was a terrible bill. Maybe next time if Congress wants to craft a bill to deal with copyright violations on the Internet, it might actually ask the people who work on the Internet how to do it without potentially breaking the whole damn thing. I’d like to think it’s achievable.

That said, anyone who thinks that SOPA being shelved means that everyone’s suddenly giving up on dealing with copyright violations online are deluding themselves; one of the largely unmentioned aspects of the SOPA/PIPA protests is how just about every major player in the protest acknowledged that IP rights are a legitimate issue and have to be dealt with. It would be nice to think this is the inflection point at which everyone grows up a little and tries to build a framework that helps rightsholders control their IP and makes it easy for other people to legitimately own, share and enjoy create work from artists they like. Hey, shut up. I can dream.

* Megaupload shuttered: Inasmuch as I myself repeatedly found unauthorized copies of my work being made available via Megaupload, necessitating frequent missives to lawyers to have them do their DMCA dance, I’m a) willing to believe that the company was not working all that hard to comply with laws relating to copyrighted work, b) not going to cry huge, salty tears over its at least temporary demise. At least one other file-sharing site has changed how it does business in the wake of the Megaupload shuttering, and I suspect we might be at a point where file-sharing sites in general have a deep, introspective moment about how they do their business. I’m fine with that, although I wish it hadn’t taken the Feds seizing the domain name of a company and charging its principals with racketeering in order to do it.

There, now I think I’m all caught up.

I’ll get to a more general wrap-up of this year’s edition of the Confusion science fiction and fantasy convention later on, but I wanted to call your attention to a particular book and why it is, in its almost-certainly-unique way, the most epic book in all of science fiction and fantasy right at this moment.

To preface, at this year’s Confusion convention, Subterranean Press and I gave away hundreds of copies of my book The Sagan Diary to the attendees of the con, because why not. Most attendees seemed to be pretty happy with the freebie, and I spent a not-trivial amount of time at the con signing the copies that came my way.

If there was one person who did not actually need a free copy of the book, however, it was me; I’ve got, oh, just a few down in my basement at the moment. Nevertheless the convention folks, either unintentionally or because they thought it would be amusing, stuffed one of the books into my convention packet.

What to do with this extraneous book? Someone suggested I sign it to myself (“Dear John: You bastard. I know you slept with my wife. JS”) but that seemed, well, sort of silly. So I did what I feel was a much more logical and rational thing instead: I opened the book to the title page, licked it, and then signed the book as follows:

“I hereby testify that this copy has been ensalivated by me — John Scalzi”

And suddenly the book had become a collector’s item. After all, there are many books signed by me, but signed and licked? Fewer than you might think.

And then, since my wife was there, and the book is dedicated to her, I had her lick and sign the book as well. And then it became even more special.

And then I looked up and saw that, in fact, the little area in which I was then currently standing was positively packed with writers. And, well. You can guess what happens next.

And thus was born The Legendary Licked Book of Epic Confusion, the only book in the world signed and licked by fifteen fantastic science fiction and fantasy authors (and my wife).

Who are the luminaries who have graced the book with their DNA? Aside from my wife and myself, they are, in alphabetical order:

Joe Abercrombie
Saladin Ahmed
Elizabeth Bear
Peter V. Brett
Tobias Buckell
Myke Cole
Jim C. Hines
Jay Lake
Scott Lynch
Cat Rambo
Patrick Rothfuss
Michelle Sagara
Kristine Smith
Brent Weeks

How many books have these fabulous authors signed? Many. How many have they licked? Very few. How many have they licked and signed? Fewer still. And how many have all of them signed and licked?

Only one, my friends. And this is it. I suspect, for organizational as well as hygienic reasons, it will remain the only one in existence between now and the very heat death of the universe.

(And how did I convince all of these people to lick this book? Bwa ha ha ha hah ha ha ha! If only you knew.)

What shall be done with this infamous depository of ink and genetic information? Some have suggested I will use it to raise a clone army of science fiction and fantasy writers to do my dark bidding and/or be my sex slaves and/or mow my lawn, which is unreasonably large. And while these are all compelling ideas, full of merit, what I suspect I will do is think upon a worthy charity and then auction off The Licked Book of Epic Confusion to raise money for said charity. That seems like the best use of this particular book. And then the winner may use it to raise a clone army of science fiction and fantasy writers to do their dark bidding and/or be their sex slaves and/or mow my lawn (it still needs mowing, damn it). I’ll let you all know when I have it figured out.

(Also, in advance: thanks, but suggestions for charities are not needed at this point. I’m pretty good at doing that part.)

For now: Gaze upon it, the Legendary Licked Book of Epic Confusion! You will not see its like again. I still can’t believe I got away with it.

We made it home alive, or if we died we have excellent momentum. This year’s edition of the Confusion convention was, as promised, epic. More details to come, when I’ve unpacked, caught up on e-mail and seen my kid.

One day, songs will be sung about the legendary Licked Book of Epic Confusion.

That is all.

I’m off to the Epic Confusion convention this weekend to hang out with friends, sign lots and lots of books and cause the sort of mischief that I will need for an interesting autobiography a quarter of a century from now. So I won’t be around here much. But! My absence is your opportunity! Because while I am traveling and hanging about with friends and plotting horrible things to do to Pat Rothfuss when he’s not looking, I am leaving this thread for you to tell other people who visit the site about cool stuff you’ve found elsewhere online, including, if you’re so inclined, your own stuff. So then they can link through, be amused, and then everyone is happy and an angel gets its wings. Those poor wingless angels, just hoping for wings!

All you have to do is go to the comment thread, leave a brief description of the thing you’re pointing people at, and then leave a link (typing in the URL should do just fine). I suggest one cool thing per post, because too many links will punt your comment into my moderation thread. I’ll be checking in on the comment thread to release these comments, so don’t panic, I’ll get your comment out of moderation if it gets in there. But the easiest way to avoid this: One link per comment. Which means, yes, you can post more than one comment. Remember, though: Quality is better than quantity.

My own link for you:

Walter Jon Williams, Nancy Kress and special guest lecturer Daniel Abraham are the faculty of this “graduate-level” two-week science fiction and fantasy workshop. As the site says, “If you’ve sold a few stories and then stalled out, or if you’ve been to Clarion or Odyssey and want to re-connect with the workshop community, this is the workshop for you!” They’re accepting applications now for their 2012 session, which takes place this year June 10 through 23. Check it out.

There’s mine. What’s yours?

And I’m not exactly an Elmo fan. At all.

The literature articles of Salon.com should come with a warning which states “Best read after jamming an ice pick into your frontal lobe, the better to blunt the pain of screaming entitlement,” and I know that, so really, I’m the asshole here for not having such a tool handy, to employ immediately after linking through to the site. I just want that out there. This is my fault.

That said, honestly, this has got to be just about the most incoherent piece of enviously fumbly writer spew I’ve read in a long time, and I’m having a really hard time winkling out what it’s actually trying to say. As best as I can tell it’s saying “Jennifer Weiner thinks she’s got it rough, but her problems aren’t really problems and it’s really men writers who have it rough because women actually read, but then again men writers get perks because they’re men, so, in sum, I’m doing fine even though I don’t sell a lot a books and also Jennifer Weiner should just shut up her best selling woman pie hole.”

I admit I’m condensing and paraphrasing. But that’s what I got out of it. In a sense it’s a tour de force, since it first asserts inequity against men, then acknowledges male privilege, and ends with mansplaining to a woman how she should feel. It’s like a triple axel directly into a pile of pig manure. It’s impressive in its way, but you have to question the wisdom of skating on shit to begin with.

In all seriousness: What was the point of this article, other than to allow this fellow to vent at Jennifer Weiner because she sells more than he does? How does Ms. Weiner’s success invalidate her point that the data suggests male writers are disproportionately featured in the nation’s premier literary review, whose influence resonates well beyond its own pages? It does not, and the article’s “Your facts may be technically correct but you’re the literary 1% so therefore what you have to say is invalid, and now having disposed of your irrelevant concerns, let me, as a man, tell you what the real scandal is, which involves us poor men” thing is so widely missing the point, and cluelessly dismissive of the point, that it’s a little breathtaking.

Do men writing mid-list literary fiction have a harder time of it than women? Got me; I write science fiction, where I have to tell you the men are doing just fine. But this fellow may be correct in his assertion; it may even be a topic on which an interesting article could be written, which then jumpstarts a conversation about the current state of the lit fic genre. I submit to you, however, this is not that article, nor does that article need to be surrounded with a bunch of fuming envy pointed in the direction of Jennifer Weiner, whose own point regarding the New York Times and its literature coverage is almost entirely unrelated to that other topic.

So, again: Am I missing something here? I don’t think I am. I will say this article confirms my long-standing opinion that the seven most damaging words in the English language for the reputation of any novelist might very well be “I just wrote an article for Salon.” Writer, beware.

Some stuff:

* Bye, Rick Perry! It’s been fun. Now you’re just Texas’ problem again, which, of course, is just fine. I also thank you for putting the rest of the US off Texas governors for a while. I think we need a fallow period there. Something along the lines of 40 years should do just fine.

* And look! Newt’s coming back in the polls! The Newtmentum is strong: He’s now within polling error of Romney in South Carolina polls, mostly, it seems, because apparently everyone forgot that Romney was a capitalist and then suddenly remember and then there was Newt, eyes moist with glee, risen like the bemasked serial killer you stupidly turned your back on and yet stayed in the same room with. And Perry just endorsed Gingrich! It’s Nightmare on Bain Street!

Honestly, I thought Romney had packed this one away, but then, as with football, this is why you actually play the games. Just remember, Republicans: The longer you string this out, the happier Obama is. You’re making Obama smile right now. That big, toothy smile of his.

* Seriously, I think there may be a SuperPAC out there, funded by Democrats, whose entire point is to string out this particular GOP primary season as long as humanly possible. It’s paranoid conspiracy thinking, yes, but come on. Is there another rational explanation? That’s more fun to think about? I say no.

* Oh, and also? Romney didn’t actually win Iowa. But no one wants to say he lost it, either. Look, at this point, just have him and Rick Santorum flip a coin before tonight’s debate, and we’ll call it done.

* Incidentally, I’ve had some people ask why I link a lot to TalkingPointsMemo when I talk about politics. Well, aside from the fact it’s a well-run organization with good political information (yes, from a lefty point of view), there’s also the fact that Josh Marshall and I went to school together, so, you know. Go, Josh. At this point he doesn’t really need my support to be successful, mind you.