Daily Archives: December 1, 2004

The 10 Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time

The Ten Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time

By John Scalzi

An Algonquin Round Table Christmas (1927)

Alexander Woolcott, Franklin Pierce Adams, George Kaufman, Robert Benchley and Dorothy Parker were the stars of this 1927 NBC Red radio network special, one of the earliest Christmas specials ever performed. Unfortunately the principals, lured to the table for an unusual evening gathering by the promise of free drinks and pirogies, appeared unaware they were live and on the air, avoiding witty seasonal banter to concentrate on trashing absent Round Tabler Edna Ferber’s latest novel, Mother Knows Best, and complaining, in progressively drunken fashion, about their lack of sex lives. Seasonal material of a sort finally appears in the 23rd minute when Dorothy Parker, already on her fifth drink, can be heard to remark, “one more of these and I’ll be sliding down Santa’s chimney.” The feed was cut shortly thereafter. NBC Red’s 1928 holiday special “Christmas with the Fitzgeralds” was similarly unsuccessful.

The Mercury Theater of the Air Presents the Assassination of Saint Nicholas (1939)

Listeners of radio’s Columbia Broadcasting System who tuned in to hear a Christmas Eve rendition of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol were shocked when they heard what appeared to be a newscast from the north pole, reporting that Santa’s Workshop had been overrun in a blitzkrieg by Finnish proxies of the Nazi German government. The newscast, a hoax created by 20-something wunderkind Orson Wells as a seasonal allegory about the spread of Fascism in Europe, was so successful that few listeners stayed to listen until the end, when St. Nick emerged from the smoking ruins of his workshop to deliver a rousing call to action against the authoritarian tide and to urge peace on Earth, good will toward men and expound on the joys of a hot cup of Mercury Theater of Air’s sponsor Campbell’s soup. Instead, tens of thousands of New York City children mobbed the Macy’s Department Store on 34th, long presumed to be Santa’s New York embassy, and sang Christmas carols in wee, sobbing tones. Only a midnight appearance of New York mayor Fiorello LaGuardia in full Santa getup quelled the agitated tykes. Welles, now a hunted man on the Eastern seaboard, decamped for Hollywood shortly thereafter.

Ayn Rand’s A Selfish Christmas (1951)

In this hour-long radio drama, Santa struggles with the increasing demands of providing gifts for millions of spoiled, ungrateful brats across the world, until a single elf, in the engineering department of his workshop, convinces Santa to go on strike. The special ends with the entropic collapse of the civilization of takers and the spectacle of children trudging across the bitterly cold, dark tundra to offer Santa cash for his services, acknowledging at last that his genius makes the gifts — and therefore Christmas — possible. Prior to broadcast, Mutual Broadcast System executives raised objections to the radio play, noting that 56 minutes of the hour-long broadcast went to a philosophical manifesto by the elf and of the four remaining minutes, three went to a love scene between Santa and the cold, practical Mrs. Claus that was rendered into radio through the use of grunts and the shattering of several dozen whiskey tumblers. In later letters, Rand sneeringly described these executives as “anti-life.”

The Lost Star Trek Christmas Episode: “A Most Illogical Holiday” (1968)

Mr. Spock, with his pointy ears, is hailed as a messiah on a wintry world where elves toil for a mysterious master, revealed to be Santa just prior to the first commercial break. Santa, enraged, kills Ensign Jones and attacks the Enterprise in his sleigh. As Scotty works to keep the power flowing to the shields, Kirk and Bones infiltrate Santa’s headquarters. With the help of the comely and lonely Mrs. Claus, Kirk is led to the heart of the workshop, where he learns the truth: Santa is himself a pawn to a master computer, whose initial program is based on an ancient book of children’s Christmas tales. Kirk engages the master computer in a battle of wits, demanding the computer explain how it is physically possible for Santa to deliver gifts to all the children in the universe in a single night. The master computer, confronted with this computational anomaly, self-destructs; Santa, freed from mental enslavement, releases the elves and begins a new, democratic society. Back on the ship, Bones and Spock bicker about the meaning of Christmas, an argument which ends when Scotty appears on the bridge with egg nog made with Romulan Ale.

Filmed during the series’ run, this episode was never shown on network television and was offered in syndication only once, in 1975. Star Trek fans hint the episode was later personally destroyed by Gene Roddenberry. Rumor suggests Harlan Ellison may have written the original script; asked about the episode at 1978’s IgunaCon II science fiction convention, however, Ellison described the episode as “a quiescently glistening cherem of pus.”

Bob & Carol & Ted & Santa (1973)

This ABC Christmas special featured Santa as a happy-go-lucky swinger who comically wades into the marital bed of two neurotic 70s couples, and also the music of the Carpenters. It was screened for television critics but shelved by the network when the critics, assembled at ABC’s New York offices, rose as one to strangle the producers at the post-viewing interview. Joel Siegel would later write, “When Santa did his striptease for Carol while Karen Carpenter sang ‘Top of the World’ and peered through an open window, we all looked at each other and knew that we television critics, of all people, had been called upon to defend Western Civilization. We dared not fail.”

A Muppet Christmas with Zbigniew Brzezinski (1978)

A year before their rather more successful Christmas pairing with John Denver, the Muppets joined Carter Administration National Security Advisor Brezezinski for an evening of fun, song, and anticommunist rhetoric. While those who remember the show recall the pairing of Brzezinki and Miss Piggy for a duet of “Winter Wonderland” as winsomely enchanting, the scenes where the NSA head explains the true meaning of Christmas to an assemblage of Muppets dressed as Afghan mujahideen was incongruous and disturbing even then. Washington rumor, unsupported by any Carter administration member, suggests that President Carter had this Christmas special on a repeating loop while he drafted his infamous “Malaise” speech.

The Village People in Can’t Stop the Christmas Music — On Ice! (1980)

Undeterred by the miserable flop of the movie Can’t Stop the Music!, last place television network NBC aired this special, in which music group the Village People mobilize to save Christmas after Santa Claus (Paul Lynde) experiences a hernia. Thus follows several musical sequences — on ice! — where the Village People move Santa’s Workshop to Christopher Street, enlist their friends to become elves with an adapted version of their hit “In The Navy,” and draft film co-star Bruce Jenner to become the new Santa in a sequence which involves stripping the 1976 gold medal decathlon winner to his shorts, shaving and oiling his chest, and outfitting him in fur-trimmed red briefs and crimson leathers to a disco version of “Come O Ye Faithful.” Peggy Fleming, Shields and Yarnell and Lorna Luft co-star.

Interestingly, there is no reliable data regarding the ratings for this show, as the Nielsen diaries for this week were accidentally consumed by fire. Show producers estimate that one in ten Americans tuned in to at least part of the show, but more conservative estimates place the audience at no more than two or three percent, tops.

A Canadian Christmas with David Cronenberg (1986)

Faced with Canadian content requirements but no new programming, the Canadian Broadcasting Company turned to Canadian director David Cronenberg, hot off his success with Scanners and The Fly, to fill the seasonal gap. In this 90-minute event, Santa (Michael Ironside) makes an emergency landing in the Northwest Territories, where he is exposed to a previously unknown virus after being attacked by a violent moose. The virus causes Santa to develop both a large, tooth-bearing orifice in his belly and a lustful hunger for human flesh, which he sates by graphically devouring Canadian celebrities Bryan Adams, Dan Ackroyd and Gordie Howe on national television. Music by Neil Young.

Noam Chomsky: Deconstructing Christmas (1998)

This PBS/WGBH special featured linguist and social commentator Chomsky sitting at a desk, explaining how the development of the commercial Christmas season directly relates to the loss of individual freedoms in the United States and the subjugation of indigenous people in southeast Asia. Despite a rave review by Z magazine, musical guest Zach de la Rocha and the concession by Chomsky to wear a seasonal hat for a younger demographic appeal, this is known to be the least requested Christmas special ever made.

Christmas with the Nuge (2002)

Spurred by the success of The Osbournes on sister network MTV, cable network VH1 contracted zany hard rocker Ted Nugent to help create a “reality” Christmas special. Nugent responded with a special that features the Motor City Madman bowhunting, and then making jerky from, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, all specially flown in to Nugent’s Michigan compound for the occasion. In the second half of the hour-long special, Nugent heckles vegetarian Night Ranger/Damn Yankees bassist Jack Blades into consuming three strips of dove jerky. Fearing the inevitable PETA protest, and boycotts from Moby and Pam Anderson, VH1 never aired the special, which is available solely by special order at the Nuge Store on TedNugent.com.

Notes on the Hiatus

As promised, I am returning on a more or less full-time basis for December. I hope you didn’t miss me too much.

Here’s what’s been going on.

Rough Guide to Science Fiction
Yes, I did quite a bit of writing on it. No, it’s not done. A good half of my November was given over to being sick in a way that basically sapped me of my will to live, and also to write. So writing did get done, just a lot slower than I would have preferred. I’ll be busy making up lost time this month. More I won’t say because I’m a bit aggravated with myself for not having got more done. Regardless, it will be done soon, if for no other reason than I have no choice to get it done, or die trying.

Old Man’s War
Lots of nice, positive developments here, including (as previously noted) a nice sales boost for the book via Glenn Reynolds and Instapundit last week (he also said nice things about it yesterday. Update 12/1: And today, too!). Folks have also begun chiming in on the Amazon page, which I’ve appreciated as well. Some early pro reviews have also begun to filter in, and they seem to be positive, including at least one fairly significant review which I’ve heard about from official sources but not seen, and must therefore be all mysterious-like about until I myself know more. The book is also beginning to make its way around movie studios from what I understand, although very clearly one needs to treat any stuff like that with a grain of salt the size of the Rock of Gibraltar — it’s one of those “I’ll believe it when I get my fat slab ‘o option money” things; one of the nice things about having been a movie critic for so many years is that I have a fairly clear understanding how the movie industry works. I won’t be looking for a Santa Monica bungalow anytime soon, is what I’m saying.

I’ve already started doing some press for Old Man’s War, and when some of that starts to appear in the world, I’ll certainly link to it. For now, here’s something: An interview for the Dragon Page radio talk show, based in Arizona but syndicated around the country. The page I just linked to has a schedule of when and where you can hear online streaming versions, although for a limited time you can also download an MP3 of the show for your Podcasting pleasure (that’s an 8.5MB download). My portion starts about five minutes into the show. We chat about the book, military science fiction and also a bit about blogging, so it’s a little of everything. Listening to it reminds me I need to curb the “ummms” and “aaaaahs” and make my interview voice more rich and manly — my excuse is that when I did the interview my lungs were still 90% phlegm and my throat still shredded — you can hear my voice crack in a couple of places.

In any event, things for this book are in the “so far, so good” territory of things, and that’s always nice for one’s debut novel.

Book of the Dumb 2
Out and seems to be doing well, although at the moment the first Book of the Dumb is outselling it, at least on Amazon. I’m not too terribly concerned about this since we haven’t done publicity on 2 yet and it’s still finding its way into the stores. And anyway, the more Book of the Dumb 1 sells, the more people will be primed for BotD2. I am pleased to see the first book selling so well a year after it was released; it seems to suggest these books could have a reasonably long shelf life. And I like that.

Other Writing Projects
In addition to wrapping up Science Fiction Film, I’ll be doing a project for a business client and doing some pieces for an upcoming Uncle John’s book on New Jersey, all of which will keep me busy for the first part of the month (this is why I said I’d be “more or less” back to full time). I’m pleased with all of this; it’s nice to keep busy and it’ll also end the year on something of a financial high note, and considering how much money we like everyone else hemorrhage over the holidays, this is definitely not a bad thing at all.

One of my big dreams is to take a month off where I do nothing except maybe update this and By the Way; I was planning that for December, but that was before the business gig kicked in. Now I’m thinking January (or perhaps the second half of January/first half of February). Point is, time off would be nice — time off that doesn’t involve sickness of some sort.

Life in General
Well, it’s fine. You know.

Thoughts About the Election and Other Political Stuff
Eh. Like everyone else who voted for Kerry, I was depressed for a day, and then I got over it because no matter how depressed I got, Bush was still going to be President until 2008. I’ll have more to say about it over time, I’m sure, but that’s a basic snapshot of my reaction to the election: I voted, the other guy won, let’s move on to doing what we can to minimize the damage. End of story.

I do admit to being deeply tired of hearing about the “red state, blue state” dichotomy, since as it’s been amply noted that if about 1% of Ohio voters had voted the other way, we’d be talking about who was going to be in Kerry Cabinet. Look, I voted for Kerry in a county where 70% of the voters (including, I suspect, all my neighbors) went for Bush. The day after the election, they were still the good neighbors I had the day before. I’m not pleased they voted for Bush, but I don’t imagine they’re pleased I voted for Kerry, and aside from that we get along well. I still live in a pretty good place, with pretty good people.

Anyway, I’m sort of fatigued at the idea of seeing 58 million of my fellow citizens as the enemy, and I would imagine many of them feel the same way. I’m for the old idea of disagreeing and still being civil. We all make mistakes; let’s hope in time Bush voters realize that they’ve made one (and that the rest of us don’t pay too heavily for it). Having said that, if by some unfathomable twist of fate Dubya ends up presiding over a happier, better America at the end of his second term, I’ll be happy to say that their vote wasn’t the worst thing they ever did. Four years is a long time and much can happen. It’s time to make it happen.