Daily Archives: December 20, 2004

Yes Virginia, There Are Christian ACLU Lawyers

Someone who is very close to me (who will remain nameless for the moment) just presented the opinion to me that, for various reasons, she strongly suspects there are no lawyers who work for the ACLU who are also Christians, since she was also of the opinion that the ACLU isn’t interested in the constitutional rights of Christians — a theory which I attempted to pop by bring up two examples in the last year of the ACLU being very much interested in their constitutional rights. Nevertheless, she continued to profess her opinion that there were no Christian lawyers at the ACLU.

Naturally, I was appalled at this statement and told her that I would make it my mission to find her an ACLU lawyer who was also a Christian, and that upon finding such a specimen, that I would ask her to consider the possibility that one could be a Christian and a lawyer and consider as one’s mission the constitutional rights of all Americans. I have a call in to my local ACLU branch, but I imagine they’ll listen to the voice mail and suspect I’m insane, so:

If you are a lawyer who loves Christ and are either on staff or has worked for the ACLU, would you please come forward to say hello? Also, if it’s not too much trouble, if you could explain how being an ACLU lawyer is consistent with your faith, that would be greatly appreciated. Just go ahead and leave a message in the comment threads.

To sweeten the pot, I make the following pledge: For every Christian ACLU lawyer who comes forward and leaves a message before the end of 2004, I will donate a dollar — up to, oh, let’s say $200 — to the ACLU. And to start things along, the first one that shows up to comment will cause me to kick in $50 (which means a $50 minimum donation for the ACLU, with every additional one adding a dollar to that). Because, crazy me, I don’t think it’s inconsistent to be a Christian and a lawyer for the ACLU, and I’m willing to back up my appeal to counter religious stereotyping, to celebrate the cause of pretecting every Americans’ constitutional rights, and to prove my point to this well-loved correspondent with my own hard-earned cash.

So work with me here, Christian ACLU lawyers! “And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.” Let’s make it comprehend, shall we? I thank you.

(P.S.: Everyone who is not a Christian ACLU Lawyer — please feel free to spread the word.)

Hateful Christmas Songs — An Audience Participation Entry

Lots to do today, and not a whole lot of time in which to do it, so, a quick participatory entry for y’all, so you can make your own fun while I’m off slavin’ for the man:

Your Christmas gift is the ability to expunge one highly annoying yet popular Christmas song from the history of the world. Which one is it?

The one I would expunge:

Words cannot express how truly annoying this song is. It’s Guantanamo Bay torture technique annoying; it’s the forced squat of Christmas tunes. It has nothing to do with its bilingual nature; it has to do with its utter lyrical and musical insipidness and the mad, crazed repetition of both, driving into your ear like a seasonally festive ice pick, stabbing merrily across your gray matter like a 1920s lobotomy scraper. Having said that, the fact the song is insipid in two entirely different languages does give it an extra lift above the many other truly annoying Christmas songs out there.

And of course I do suspect that –aside from the seasonal inertia of Christmas tunes, in which the same sixteen songs get played over and over and over again just because they always have — its bilingual nature is the only reason it persists on radio playlists; this is some former frat boy radio programmer’s lazy idea of diversity — well, this and Christina Augilera’s version of “O Holy Night,” ’cause she’s, like, hot and all. On behalf of my Hispanic family members, including my wife and child, I am outraged. For God’s sake, someone pester Los Lobos to get out there and give us some Christmas tunage.

I am happy for Mr. Feliciano that the persistence of this particular tune one month out of the year means he can pay his mortgage the other 11, but I suggest we provide the man with a lump sum payment that will care for him and his mortgage for the rest of their natural lives and then incinerate every last copy of this tune. He’ll still have his version of “Light My Fire” to fall back on if things get tight.

Anyway, that’s mine. What’s yours?