Just to address the rumors:
1. Yes, apparently a gateway to Hell randomly appeared in my basement last week. That “sump pump flooding” story: A tissue of lies. Sorry.
2. Yes, I was briefly possessed by an entity of pure unfathomable malevolence, who claimed various names, among them “Sulferlucent,” “Gadsennezzar,” and “Tom Delay,” and who demanded to watch episodes of Who’s the Boss and to feast on kittens.
3. No, we did not feast on kittens. Yes, we watched Who’s the Boss, but only briefly — just long enough for the malevolent entity to confirm there were worse things than Hell.
4. Yes, a Weekly World News reporter and photographer happened to photograph me whilst possessed. No, I don’t know their current whereabouts or how they could have disappeared without a trace. You’ll to ask someone else about where their bones may lay. Their sweet, crunchy, marrow-filled bones.
5. Yes, the entity of pure unfathomable malevolence eventually left my body, closing the Hellish portal behind it. Well, mostly. No, our house is not now powered exclusively from geothermal vents. The vents are certainly thermal, but scientists and theologians both might argue the “geo-” aspect.
6. No, I’m not liable to be possessed again anytime soon.
7. Yes, your bones look very sweet indeed.