(Posted by Eric Magnuson)
July’s almost over. And with its passing shall go my brief interlude as your Thursday shtick-artist. I hope to leave the place as I found it – with a not entirely unpleasant smell, a re-stocked mini-fridge and all the neighbors unwilling to (formally) file restraining orders. But before I go, I do feel the urge to cut a more natural swath through things I find to be absurd currently. And shamelessly plug my often brilliant blog, and the Family Buick, in hopes of luring the buncha youse on a more regular basis over yonder after my time here is done. With that said, I’d like to offer my Reasons Why America Doesn’t Completely Suck, as inspired by the despicably self-righteous Bernard Goldberg. If you see Bernie anywhere near your communities in the near future promoting his new book, egg the man mercilessly. Trust me – he deserves it.
Why America Doesn’t Completely Suck
1. Even with most of the Country sweaty and gross, the temperature outside my San Francisco apartment is currently 64 degrees. And I only have to pay exorbinant cost-of-living rates year round to enjoy the beauty of room temperature all day long.
2. DirecTV is currently running ads for their NFL Sunday Ticket package incessantly featuring an overweight Jeff Garlin, even though the season won’t start for another 6 weeks.
3. ComedyCentral is also incessantly promoting a “Roast” of Pamela Anderson, even though she’s about as funny as Dick Van Patten. With huge knockers.
4. There’s a new cigar bar opening in Little Rock named “Monica’s on Clinton” near the Clinton Presidential Library. Seriously.
5. The Bushies are now calling the “Global War on Terror” the “Global Struggle against Extremism.” No wait – that’s one of the Reasons This Country Sucks (sorry, wrong list).
6. Pauly Shore can still find work.
7. Jon Stewart can say what he says without getting arrested. Unless he does so while buying crack with a male prostitute from an undercover cop. So to speak.
8. We invented TiVo, the Apple PowerBook, and Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream. Entirely by accident.
9. Baby jogging strollers are now better equipped than my entire childhood elementary school.
And a final Reason Why This Country Doesn’t Suck…
10. The internet has made it possible for anyone to publish for a World full of the curious (and spurious) at ree-deek-you-lousy low rates.
Any other Reasons you might want to offer? Regardless, tanks for reading. Rock on.