Some morons are suing Google because they don’t like the way Google’s search algorithms mess with their ability to make money (which, apparently, relied almost entirely on high page rankings on Google). This would be an idiotic suit anyway, but this is what really makes me wish I was a judge, so I could penalize someone lots of money for filing frivilous lawsuits:
The complaint accuses Google, as the dominant provider of Web searches, of violating KinderStart’s constitutional right to free speech by blocking search engine results showing Web site content and other communications.
My mind just boggles every single time I read that. I literally cannot imagine a lawyer incompetent enough to craft that argument actually passing the bar in any state in the nation and finding profitable work in the world. Clearly some must. But I try not to sully my beautiful mind imagining who they might be, or alternately, who would be stupid enough to employ them. The idea that being unhappy with one’s Google page ranking somehow equates to a constitutional restriction of speech just makes me feel like my head needs to explode.
The closest thing to this in my personal experience was when I was the editor of the Maroon, which was the student newspaper at my school. The editors-in-chief and business managers of the newspaper previous to me and my business manager had done a really tremendously poor job of actually getting advertisers to pay for their advertisements, and as a result the amount owed to the newspaper by our advertisers was in the six figures (I don’t remember the exact amount at the moment, but I think it was something like $250,000 or some such). We told the advertisers in arrears that they needed to pay up before they could advertise again, which was serious threat since the Maroon was actually a cheap and effective way to reach bunches of college kids with disposable incomes.
But some advertisers were appalled that we suddenly expected to be paid; one actually called up and screamed in my ear that my refusing to let him advertise until he paid up was limiting his constitutional right to free speech. I was literally struck dumb by the sheer stupidity of the statement. I seriously considered telling that man that he was too stupid to advertise in my newspaper at all. I did not — I had a business to run, after all — but the temptation was mighty.
Back here in the present day, it is my sincere hope that when this lawsuit gets in front of a judge that first she will have a nice, hearty laugh, and then she’ll drop the filing attorneys in jail for the weekend for wasting the court’s time in such an asinine fashion. These morons’ difficulties with Google are not the Constitution’s problem. Sadly enough these days, the Constitution has enough problems of its own without these people trying to whip one up because their business is in the crapper. Jail time! It would not be too good for these lawyers.