Newspaper Headline: “Scalzi Back in Custody After Drink Binge”

No, it’s not me; I don’t even drink alcohol. It’s some Australian fellow who is more than a bit bonkers: Apparently he stabbed his neighbors because they were “evil clones.” Despite this, he was allowed to be detained at home rather than in mental institution or a jail; to celebrate this, he went out for a drink. Thus ends home detention. And rightfully so, I’d have to say.

30 thoughts on “Newspaper Headline: “Scalzi Back in Custody After Drink Binge”

  1. There’s no doubt they are, David. But why stab them myself when I can have my implacable ninja hordes do it for me?

  2. When you least expect them, suddenly you turn around to see thousands of men barely visible in the dark. Their leader steps forward and bows low on bended knee before The Scalzi. He holds out something in one hand — it is a stealthy matte black titanium salver of bacon. “Implacable ninja hordes reporting for stabbing duty, SIR!”

    Mmm, ninjas. With bacon.

    Dr. Phil

  3. Jesus, that’s a bright background to spring on a man with no warning.

    What color is that? “Electric kill-your-eyeballs?”

    I received a telephone call from the International Space Station while reading the post, and they asked me to turn down my monitor.

    The good news is, the color is so bright I managed to warm up a cold mug of tea by putting it in front of my computer.

    My plants are starting to lean toward this webpage.

    Cindi Lauper just called, and she wants her hair color back.

    Just thought you ought to know.

    K

  4. Ahh! Just after I was about to compliment you for having gotten rid of that horrible throbbing multihued sidebar.

    You enjoy tormenting us, don’t you?

  5. Many moons ago, when I sported a pony tail, I had a coworker come up to me with a picture in the newspaper and asked me if it was me. There was a striking resemblence (at least from the resolution). The photo was from a security camera in a bank down the road from where I lived. They had just been robbed. The headline was something along the lines of “NE Ohio Serial Bank Robber Strikes Again.”

  6. Hmm, and an old friend was just in Adelaide, visiting friends. Bet she had something to do with it. I’ve warned her not to mention the evil clones to the mentally unstable.

  7. What’s even crazier about this is that his “middle” name is John! I’m sure you have a good alibi for what you were doing the night of said drink binge…

  8. Scalzi:
    There’s no doubt they are, David. But why stab them myself when I can have my implacable ninja hordes do it for me?

    Are you telling me you have not taught Athena how to kill evil clones just with the power of her mind yet?

  9. This could be a result of some brain damage. There is a known mental disorder in which damage to a specific part of the brain disassociates the emotional recognition of seeing friends and family from the recognition of the physical characteristics of said people. This creates an anomaly which the brain attempts to explain by assuming that the people it’s seeing are clones.

    I know this is true ’cause I saw it on TV! :-)

  10. Hey, even parnoids have real enemies. Besides, I’m pretty sure MY neighbor is an evil clone (ref my post in the previous thread). Come to think of it – some of my RELATIVES might be evil clowns (and yes, I did mean it the way I typed it).

    Ninjas, bacon. Try taping bacon to a ninja, or better yet – taping a cat to a ninja. Now THAT would be a neat trick, AND you’d get a spiffy ride in an ambulance helicopter. No downside, cool.

  11. “The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat,” Snort. I’m manfully resisting the nearly overwelming urge to make a “mind in the gutter” comment here. There’s children in the room (okay, they’re actually Navy Officers, but it’s basically the same thing…).

  12. So Scalzi wants us to believe the wacko in Adelaide was SOME OTHER GUY! And he still wants us to believe he had nothing to do with the evil stink that attacked NY and NJ IMMEDIATELY after he left the area.

    Hmmmm? I’m not buying it.

  13. Chang who loves to play with his posting name

    Yay! I made the funny!

    John,

    I like this color much better. It’s got that whole, “Used straight-jacket” color going on.

    That’s all I got.

    K

  14. Nathan, well, you know, there is the problem of Evil Clones. I believe John had a photo of them many moons ago. So John could have a very acceptable alibi, and yet have sent his clones to do his bidding.

    And then send the ninjas to remove the evidence. I suspect John will displatch the killer snapping turtles to eliminate the ninja connection. What he will send to deal with the loose end of turtles, well, I believe that was the unspeakable part of why John didn’t get a Nebula nod this year (release the badgers!).

  15. Ninjas? What happened to the zombies?

    Probably the same thing as the flying monkeys.

    Why don’t I get memos about this?

  16. Steve Buchheit said: “…Evil Clones. I believe John had a photo of them many moons ago.”

    Hey, that’s right, I remember that photo. Damnit, John, I demand that you sit the Scalzi Clone Hoard down right now on all those donated Vista Laptops you got from Bill Gates and put THEM TO WORK WRITING. Man, think about it, we could have a DOZEN Scalzi novels a year, instead of the paltry one or two we get now. AND instead of married scifi writers competing for genre awards, Scalzi could go up against his own clones for the Hugo! Twelve nominees for Best Novel, and they’re all John Scalzis. Whooohoo!

  17. Given that the FDA has declared that clones are now fair game for the dinner table, maybe he was just looking for a few ribs to go with his beer?

  18. I saw that story in my local paper and was going to point it out to you, but decided that would be weird. I guess that shouldn’t have stopped me.

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