When Dairy Products Tragically Overestimate Their Offensive Power

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Slowly, two members of LRF (La Révolution de Fromage) approach their feline target, hoping to take it by stealth and cunning. Sadly for them, the dairy-loving beast has already caught their scent. What happened next is too terrible to relate. Curse Kraft for making such ineffective cellophane armor!

Yesterday’s responses to the “Cats or Cheese” question were, of course, quite enjoyable to read. Thank you kindly for amusing me (and, clearly, yourselves) so well in my absence. The interview, incidentally, went quite well and those of you in the Cincinnati area can hear it Sunday morning on “Cincinnati Edition” on WVXU, after which the interview will be archived on the WVXU Web site, here. Don’t worry, I’ll point to it again once it’s up.

32 thoughts on “When Dairy Products Tragically Overestimate Their Offensive Power

  1. Between the cheese and the bacon, you’re creating quite a breakfast on your cat…

    Maybe a little scrambled eggs & orange juice to finish it off nicely? (Ugh…sticky cat!)

  2. Damn it, John, between the bacon and the cheese (which I presume met a similar fate), you’re going to have to Roto-Rooter [Fluffy]’s arteries pretty soon.

  3. I’m glad to know you’re a man who is willing to put Kraft and cheese in the same sentence. If cheese is good, then cheese food must be even better. Velvetta all around–on me, and another round of Ale81 for the house.

  4. I think you can get arrested in France for calling that cheese.

    Try it again with a nice piece of Stinking Bishop.

  5. Yea, VXU!

    How was the Skyline? Amateurs should start with a 3-way. And if they told you a 4-way can come w/onions OR beans, they lie.

    That’s so funny you ended up in Dayton, Mr. West Coast!

  6. The Tale of Anne of Ohio

    And it came to pass that Arthur was victorious and the land knew peace for the first time in anyone’s memory. So Arthur sent messages to his petty lords throughout the land and bade them attend him in celebration.

    Two months later, as summer slowly receded, the harvest was bountiful, indeed and all of the nobility gathered, bringing great and fine tribute. All manner of treasure was presented; gemstones, weaponry, decorative gold and silver treasures. All of this was heaped on Arthur and he accepted this in all humility and bestowed his loyal friendship on all who passed before him.

    On the third day of feasting, an unfamiliar party approached the throne led by a comely maiden. As she bowed low to Arthur, he reached for her hand and drew her up from her kneeling position. “You are unfamiliar to me, lass”, Arthur said. “Pray, introduce yourself”.

    “I am Anne,” she answered. “My father rules over the lands in Southern Ohio. I come as his representative”.

    Arthur looked on her and, liking what he saw, said, “Be welcome here, Anne of Ohio. Your presence pleases us”.

    At this, one of her retainers came forward bearing a great tun on a wheeled cart. Anne stepped aside and said, “My father sends this treasure and offers fealty and eternal service”.

    As the top was pried from the tun, Arthur leaned over to view the contents and recoiled in horror. “What vile and noxious concoction is this that you present. Remove it at once”, he shouted.

    Stunned, Anne answered, “Why Sire, this is the greatest treasure our land has to offer. We call it Cincinnati chili, and it is celebrated and much loved by our people”.

    Arthur now knew that these people of Southern Ohio had been led astray by Demons and he sent forth his warband and smote them until he was assured that Cincinnati chili would no longer blight the land. And they all lived happily ever after.

    The End.

  7. Nathan,
    And we all know what became of Arthur and his court, decadence, decay, a doomed search for the unobtainable, and finally death and the hands of his child. Could be because he was unwilling to eat real foods.

  8. Those Kraft singles never had a chance against a real feline adversary. This is a job for the Velveeta Underground!

  9. Say what you will about Velvetta, but nothing better to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Plus it comes in a box just like government cheese–the cheese of the people.

  10. Hooray! Common sense won out – a rare event in the US these days. Thank the Great Bird of the Universe, I was afraid I’d have to strap toasted Tillamook Extra Sharp Cheddar sandwiches to my feet to stay warm at night.

    Strangely enough though, this morning the cheese drawer was still (mostly) full, and both cats – including the hateful white one – were still in residence. Me thinks your powers of banishment haven’t yet reached to Alaska, oh Great Scalzi. Mayhaps they don’t work so well in the cold, or perhaps the Force is not quite as strong in you as we thought? Or did you have a change of heart and decide to keep both cats and cheese and banish the Republicans? (Begone, clueless neoconartists of destruction and deficit spending!)

  11. Jim Wright, I didn’t say we were going to rid of either cats or cheese. We were just speculating. Rumors of my secret god-like powers are maybe slightly exaggerated.

  12. Nick Stump: “Plus it comes in a box just like government cheese…”

    I don’t know about that, having avoided Valveeta like I avoid religon. To me, government cheese will always be that weird gluey “Spread” that comes in MRE’s (thoughtful covered in antibacterial power for flavor and sterility!) How about it, Gordon, Jalapeno Cheese spread still the most tradable MRE item in country?

  13. Mr. Wright, I believe your powers of observation are correct, for those of us slightly north of you still have cheese and cats as well.

    (Begone, clueless neoconartists of destruction and deficit spending!)

    Hmm, a military guy and a guy that (near as I can tell) lives in the Valley dinging the Rs. I’m impressed. Then again, I live in North Pole, I have no business twitting somone about where they live.

    Time to go pick cat hair off my clothes and see if I can find a cheese danish.

  14. Scalzi, right, right. Just like the President didn’t SAY we would actually find WMD’s, he was just speculating. Got it, doh, I should have seen that coming. I’m a fool, a fool. Duped again.

    You’re a bad man, Sir, scaring me like that. Now I gotta go have a cheese omlet and pet my cat.

  15. Tania, they got broadband in North Pole? Will wonders never cease. Before you know it, they’ll have cable in McGrath.

    Yep, I live in the Valley, north of Palmer. As to dinging the R’s. Well, these people are not MY R’s. Roger’s blog at the Ku Fu Monkey regarding Neocons vs old style Republicans sums up my feelings perfectly. Me, I changed my voter registration to “Undeclared” this year and the NEOCONs can kiss my ass.

  16. I’d agree with those who say never underestimate the influence of the Velveeta Underground. It may be true that only 200 people bought a box, but every one of them went out and made a sandwich.

  17. Jim-

    Yep, you called it on the Jalapeno Cheese spread (so much better than the regular variety). Although its value drops somewhat based on the general availability (more specifically, the lack thereof) of latrine facilities. (Oh, to return to a place where food does not regularly cause intestinal disorders!) In other news, a standard military-issue field dressing does perform serviceably in place of toilet paper when necessary.

  18. Gordon –

    “(Oh, to return to a place where food does not regularly cause intestinal disorders!)”

    Amen. That’s why I was always careful which MRE I ate during boat ops in the KAA. You don’t want to be in a RHIB when that shit hits bottom. Seriously.

    Stay safe, Brother.

  19. RE: the Gordon/Jim Wright exchange – Note to self: NEVER read the internet while eating lunch…

    Safe days to you, Gordon.

    To quote a dear friend of mine, to whom I posed the “Cats or Cheese” dilemma, “Cats rule.”

    That is all.

  20. So the real decision was between cats and pasteurized process cheese food? I was leaning towards cheese before, but now the choice is easy: cats, in a landslide.

  21. “Nathan’s”–isn’t that a hot dog stand?

    The saga is cool if a bit off–for example, my so-called-father is actually lord over lands in Northern Ohio, I’ve been an ex-pat for over a decade, you missed the fake plastic flowers in the window boxes (corner of Clifton & Ludlow, ca. 1975), and you might have dropped Nikki Giovanni’s name into the mix. Moreover, purists believe that Skyline, et al, should NOT be exported under any circumstances, except to other ex-pats who need it like a vampire needs his hunk o’ homeland. Maybe as far away as Indiana but NO MORE. You saw what happened when we let Marge Schott (bless her heart) out of the county.

  22. It seems both cruel and foolish to think that your owner enjoys having to do combat with prewrapped sliced cheese. As a pet you must surely be intelligent enough to know that it is an exercise in poor judgement to be annoying the owner that could lead to severe consequences. Consequences such as witholding affection, failed attempts at grooming, no double eye blink hugs, no gifts of small birds or rodents left on the front step, no figure eights around your legs, extended absences and a failure to return even with the most pathetic and pliant entreaties.

    Thunder, my owner, recommends a triple swirl of aerosol cheese placed directly on center in his dish for best tongue access, no cracker please. The creamy texture and mild cheddar tang are only to be experienced. Please remember to refrigerate the aerosol can so that it doesn’t spoil and to keep the water dish topped off to keep the pallet refreshed.

    Message approved by Thunder.

  23. It seems both cruel and foolish to think that your owner enjoys having to do combat with prewrapped sliced cheese. As a pet you must surely be intelligent enough to know that it is an exercise in poor judgement to be annoying the owner that could lead to severe consequences. Consequences such as witholding affection, failed attempts at grooming, no double eye blink hugs, no gifts of small birds or rodents left on the front step, no figure eights around your legs, extended absences and a failure to return even with the most pathetic and pliant entreaties.

    Thunder, my owner, recommends a triple swirl of aerosol cheese placed directly on center in his dish for best tongue access, no cracker please. The creamy texture and mild cheddar tang are only to be experienced. Please remember to refrigerate the aerosol can so that it doesn’t spoil and to keep the water dish topped off to keep the pallet refreshed.

    Message approved by Thunder.

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