Brain Like a Lumpy Custard

I slept too much today — which even I find hard to believe — and now my brain refuses to do more than stagger along, bumping into easily-avoided stationary objects. Help me. Tell me something profound. Anyone who quotes from Buckaroo Banzai will be shot. I thank you in advance for your cooperation.

106 thoughts on “Brain Like a Lumpy Custard

  1. The groundhog was dead wrong yesterday. Winter’s just beginning!

    (OK, maybe not profound, but if your brain is indeed like lumpy custard, it might be something that seeps through.)

  2. “Life is like a bad analogy”

    There ya go, that’s the best Saturday afternoon wisdom I can muster. Feel free to make T-Shirts.

  3. My favourite quote is from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness: “The mind of man is capable of anything–because everything is in it, all the past as well as all the future.”

    Is that profound enough for you?

  4. From ASHES OF VICTORY by David Weber: “Oops.”

    From THE QUESTOR TAPES: “It has never been what Man is, but rather what he has the potential of becoming.” (I may have mangled that just a little.)

  5. “Anyone desperate enough for suicide…should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.”

    -Richard Bach

  6. “The effort to understand the universe is one of few things that lifts human life a little above the level of farce and gives it some of the grace of tragedy.” -Stephen Weinberg.

    I stayed in bed until 2 myself today–migraine. Then I walked into town, bought fudge, tooled around campus for an hour or so, walked back, and tooled around the internet. None of these things made the migraine go away, unfortunately.

    How about “Arguing on the internet is like playing chicken with a drunk: even if you win, you’re still an idiot.” That was somebody’s sig, but I can’t remember whose.

    Would taping bacon to the cat wake you up?

    Pluto Prevails,
    -Annalee

  7. Better to have a brain like lumpy custard than runny custard, at least it won’t leak out of your ears

  8. Solve the following word problem.

    If how much would could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck would = A

    And:

    How many boards could a Mongol hoard, if a Mongol horde hoarded boards = B

    Which entity processed more wood, the Mongols or the woodchuck?

  9. I know for a fact that it’s possible to blow a full sauteed mushroom from your nose with astonishing force.

    You must first eat a vegetarian pizza, guzzle two bottles of cheap champagne and then run from the police, shirtless and screaming like a girl.

  10. “The man’s been through solid matter, for crying out loud. Who knows what’s happened to his brain? Maybe it’s scrambled his molecules.”

    Oh, wait. You said NOT to quote from Buckaroo Banzai. Hmm, well it seemed appropriate considering….

    Uh, what are you doing? Put the gun back please!

    *runs n hides*

  11. “When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like that: ‘Have ya paid your dues, Jack?’ ‘Yessir, the check is in the mail.’”

    There, it’s not from Buckeroo Banzai…though it’s close. :)

    And don’t forget to never drive faster than you can see…besides, it’s all in the reflexes.

    I hope this has helped.

  12. Profundity du jour: “It is what it is.”

    Petulant common-sense comment of the day: “Pluto is too a planet!”

    Quotable anytime: “Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother, / You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.”

  13. “When the child learns that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent. When he learns to forgive them, he becomes an adult. When he can forgive himself, he becomes wise.”

    Paraphrased from someone’s forum sig, forgot to copy it down with the attribute before he changed it. :( Anyone know who said that and what the actual words were?

  14. “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tanhauser Gate. All those…moments will be lost in time, like tears…in rain.” — Roy Batty

    “Now, wet stuff does not like sticking to other wet… stuff. It’s one of those universal axioms that keeps the galaxy from ripping itself to shreds and dissolving into the void.” — Alton Brown

    “Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.” — George Carlin

    “I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.” — Groucho Marx

  15. Another paraphrased one (though I do know where it’s from this time):

    “If you wish to understand a people, study their art.”

    Grand Admiral Thrawn, Star Wars: Thrawn Trilogy by Timothy Zahn

  16. I saw a boxing match advertised as a fight to the finish. That’s a good place to end.
    -Mitch Hedberg

  17. Well this has little to do with custard, lumpy or otherwise, but I thought you folks might be interested anyway.

    This morning, listening to CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation – our publicly funded broadcaster), I heard Cory Doctorow extolling the virtues of the Creative Commons. He was on the show “And Sometimes Y” which is all about language. Because I am HTML challenged, here’s the URL: http://www.cbc.ca/wordsatlarge/features/feature.php?storyId=298 On the right side of the page, under Related Audio, you can click on his name and hear what he said.

    And now to back to lurking…

  18. I see your woodchuck and raise you a groundhog, a tougher tonguetwister developed by my sister when she discovered that a woodchuck and a groundhog were the same thing.

    How much ground could a groundhog grind if a groundhog could grind ground?

  19. I love BB myself, but whenever you ask for deep thoughts, suddenly everyone says “No matter where you go, there you are.” Gets tiring.

  20. “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to Chipoltle for a chicken burrito as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball.”

  21. “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to Chipoltle for a chicken burrito as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball.”

  22. “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to Chipoltle for a chicken burrito as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball.”

  23. “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to Chipoltle for a chicken burrito as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball.”

  24. “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to Chipoltle for a chicken burrito as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball.”

  25. “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to Chipoltle for a chicken burrito as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball.”

  26. When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way; from your first cigarette to your last dying day.

    Ba doo ba doo boo.

  27. “Do not fuck with things that can kill you. This includes the weather.”

    Said by me, in the midst of a marathon insomnia session. Nonetheless, it is profound and useful advice, and therefore I most likely stole it from someone who I cannot now remember. Ah, well.

  28. One of my personal favorites to get rid of pestering coworkers:

    “Move along; these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

  29. Nothing said I had to crash.

    — R.A. Bob Hoover, after hitting a telephone wire and losing two feet of wing in his P-51.

  30. A trap is for fish: when you’ve got the fish, you can forget the trap. A snare is for rabbits: when you’ve got the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words are for meaning: when you’ve got the meaning, you can forget the words. Where can I find someone who’s forgotten words so I can have a word with him?
    –Chuang Tzu

  31. Every person should be issued a porch and a down comforter upon the day of their birth.

    -My Mother
    (in a very odd sort of random tangent)

  32. Actually, Buckaroo Banzai contains one wonderful Rule for Life, and it’s not “Wherever you go…” It’s “Don’t tug on that! You never know what it might be attached to.”

  33. “It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it is another thing.”

    –Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

  34. Jaquandor: You got that right!

    Ya know… I think I’m gonna have to review BB again. It’s a good Saturday night popcorn movie!

  35. Profundities:The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.The canals were obviously the Martian society’s last-ditch effort.If those don’t cheer you up, at least they might make you puke.

  36. If we’re going for tongue twisters, I’ve got one that beats all. No idea who wrote it, but here it is:

    I am a mother pheasant plucker. I pluck the mother pheasant. I’m the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker who ever plucked a mother pheasant. I am not the pheasant plucker; I’m the pheasant-plucker’s maid. I only pluck the mother pheasant when the pheasant-plucker’s late.

    Try saying that five times fast.

  37. 1)Actually, that quote from Mary Chapin Carpenter above is from one of her few cover songs. It should be credited to Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits.

    2) My contriibution:
    Violets are Blue
    Roses are Red
    Violets are Blue
    I love my loves.
    – Victor Hugo, Les Miserables, 1862

    (Of course, he wrote it in French)

    My favorite Hugo profundity though is:

    Reason is intelligence at exercise.
    Imagination is intelligence with an erection.
    – (I saw the citation once, but forgot it, and haven’t found it since.)

  38. Sometimes you’re the Louisville Slugger, sometimes you’re the ball.
    - also by Mark Knopfler

    I thought Johnny Carruthers was a sly ref to BB until I remembered it was “Pinky” Carruthers.

    And now I need a dose of the good doctor Bonzai as an antidote for working 6 hours on a Saturday.

  39. Sometimes you’re the Louisville Slugger, sometimes you’re the ball.
    - also by Mark Knopfler

    I thought Johnny Carruthers was a sly ref to BB until I remembered it was “Pinky” Carruthers.

    And now I need a dose of the good doctor Bonzai as an antidote for working 6 hours on a Saturday.

  40. Sometimes you’re the Louisville Slugger, sometimes you’re the ball.
    - also by Mark Knopfler

    I thought Johnny Carruthers was a sly ref to BB until I remembered it was “Pinky” Carruthers.

    And now I need a dose of the good doctor Bonzai as an antidote for working 6 hours on a Saturday.

  41. Sometimes you’re the Louisville Slugger, sometimes you’re the ball.
    - also by Mark Knopfler

    I thought Johnny Carruthers was a sly ref to BB until I remembered it was “Pinky” Carruthers.

    And now I need a dose of the good doctor Bonzai as an antidote for working 6 hours on a Saturday.

  42. Sometimes you’re the Louisville Slugger, sometimes you’re the ball.
    - also by Mark Knopfler

    I thought Johnny Carruthers was a sly ref to BB until I remembered it was “Pinky” Carruthers.

    And now I need a dose of the good doctor Bonzai as an antidote for working 6 hours on a Saturday.

  43. Sometimes you’re the Louisville Slugger, sometimes you’re the ball.
    - also by Mark Knopfler

    I thought Johnny Carruthers was a sly ref to BB until I remembered it was “Pinky” Carruthers.

    And now I need a dose of the good doctor Bonzai as an antidote for working 6 hours on a Saturday.

  44. “What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets!”
    - Dracula, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

    “Irrationality is the square root of all evil.”
    - Douglas Hofdtadter

  45. Thanks John N. I knew that it was a cover, but couldn’t remember where she got it from.

    My brother (who passed away 3 weeks ago) used to say
    “It ain’t a problem if it can be fixed with money.”

  46. > “No matter where you go, there you are.”
    > Gets tiring.

    Hmmm…

    “No matter where you go, always remember to put the seat back down.”

    How’s that?

  47. The one line that I remember from the Myth series by Robert Asprin:

    “When you make a deal with demons, count your fingers, then your toes, then your relatives.”

    Since I discovered Terry Pratchett, Asprin seems, by and large, pale in comparison, but that one piece of advice still shines, IMHO.

  48. Two quotes from favorite authors:

    Age and wisdom don’t always go together, I’ve found…Some people just become stupid with more authority.
    T. Pratchett – Thief of time

    History is a foreign country, and the old are unwilling emigrants, tired out by the constant travel..
    Charles Stross, Accelerando

  49. “I pray our child will never see
    A little Corporal again
    Point toward a foreign shore
    Captivate the hearts of men.”

    Mark Knopfler, Done With Bonaparte

  50. Hmm…how’s this for a profound quote:

    If I’m not for myself, who wil be for me?
    If I am for myself, who am I?
    If not now, when?

    –Rabbi Hillel

  51. You may borrow my life’s mantra, if it helps:

    “I reject your reality and substitute my own.” Adam Savage, co-host of Mythbusters.

    It always helps me when I’m up against the custard.

    Then again, today I popped out of bed at just past 9:30 feeling all productive and shit. During the day, I’ve managed to clean the kitchen and bathroom, clean out the fridgie and toss together a “leftover quiche” for lunches this week, make a pressure cooker full of black beans – which were subsequently re-made into Catalan beans (to 3 cups of beans, add a big can of diced tomatoes, onion, garlic and a touch of cinnamon and nutmeg, bake with a lid for 1.5 hours, stirring every half hour, then take the lid off for 15 minutes. Nummers!) and big pot of black bean refry for burritos later in the week – and put together a big bowl of bread dough to rise overnight for baking tomorrow.

    Blame it on the green tea. :-)

    Oh, hey – speaking of profound quotes, did you catch Shrub’s address on Corporate Responsibility to Wall St? Yanno, the one where he stands up with a straight face a says he believes a CEO should be paid based on results and banned from his position should said CEO engage in fraudulent or criminal activities. Read that in the paper this morning with a mouthful of yogurt and granola. Almost landed me in the urgent care, it did.

  52. The BB taboo is broken, so I can quote a couple of my favorite lines from the movie.

    “This isn’t my planet, Monkeyboy!”

    And, one I like to quote, complete with Lithgow’s wonderful Italian lilt:

    “More power to him.”

  53. You’re marked for death now, CaseyL. Death.

    Heh. I will sing the entire “Jets” song, complete with dance moves, and you will be laughing so hard you will fall over into a curled up ball, and I will run away, run away!

  54. I see somebody already quoted RAH, so I go the Larry Niven route:

    Niven’s 1st Law “Never throw shit at an armed man.” Throughout life, I’ve found this to be excellent advice.

    Also, I was always a huge fan of Louis Grizzard, the southern humorist, i.e. “Shoot low boys, they’re riding Shetland ponies…”

  55. I’m late to this party, but I’ll share an uplifting quote from Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers:

    “The steps to the dance
    are best left up to chance.
    Better beautiful than perfect, anyway.

    While the moon wanes and waxes,
    surely death and taxes
    are lurking out there.
    But life is grand,
    love is real,
    and beauty is everywhere.”

  56. Gillian: “You don’t need wise quotes: you need toast with Vegemite. The perfect cure for Americans with custard brains.”

    Is it the revolting smell or the putrescent taste that clears your head?

    I worked extensively with Aussie’s in the Persian Gulf (in fact, I’m wearing an Australian Navy Boarding Officer’s hat as I type this). And while I will say that the Aussies are some of the finest Sailors who have ever gone down to the sea in ships, and while I absolutely enjoyed my numerous visits to Sydney, Perth, and Fremantle, I could never understand how anyone can stomach the disgusting sludge that is Vegemite.

    Admit it, you just eat it to screw with Americans, right?

    On the other hand, kangaroo steak and Victoria Bitter may make up for vegemite…

  57. Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
    – Booth Tarkington

    Never be afraid to be anything. Not even wrong, if it turns out that way.
    And never be so big that you can’t apologise.
    … The minute the words “I’m sorry” are too hard to say, you are doomed.
    – Cotton, Gene Catlow

    Reputation is what people think you are.
    Honor is what you are.
    Never confuse the two.
    – Samanda Jeude

    Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be
    killed.
    – G.K. Chesterton

    Audiences know what to expect, and that is all they are prepared to believe in.
    -Player, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

  58. Nothing deep, just a suggestion. Try waking up at the same time every day, regardless of when you go to bed. I’ve found that the amount of time I sleep matters a lot less then the time I wake up. And since I’m a father too, I can sometimes get by with an insanely small amount of sleep, and still function pretty well.

    But if that doesn’t work, then try:
    Moses suposes his toeses are roses
    But Moses supposes erroneously
    And Moses, he knowses his toeses aren’t roses
    As Moses supposes his toeses to be

  59. Ohhhhh
    It’s a long, long rope they use to hang you soon I hope
    And I wonder why this hasn’t happened
    Why why why
    And I think about the dirt that I’ll be wearing for a shirt
    And I hope that I get old before I die

  60. One of these days I’ll work out why so few people from the US appreciate vegemite as it should be appreciated. In the meantime I will contemplate the fact that it comes in kosher and non-kosher varieties. And that it’s a by-product of beer, which is why it’s perfect for John’s brain.

    I can post emergency packages, you know. I think a 900g container would be about right.

  61. One more I just couldn’t resist:

    “You can’t get a leopard to change his spots. In fact, now that I come to think of it, you can’t really get a leopard to appreciate the notion that it has spots. You can explain it carefully to the leopard, but it will just sit there looking at you, knowing that you are made of meat. After a while it will perhaps kill you.”
    – Geoffrey K. Pullum, Professor of Linguistics, UCSC

  62. “It’s easy to grin/When your ship comes in/And you’ve got the stock market beat/But the man worthwhile/Is the man who can smile/When his shorts are too tight in the seat.” – Judge Elihu Smails

  63. Gillian:
    I’ve read about Vegemite, but what IS it?

    I know it’s a spread, and it’s supposed to be good for you. What’s it taste like?

  64. For all you who haven’t had enough BB references, (and you are bursting at the seems here), the classic sf book/video show, “Kick-ass Mystic Ninjas” recently had a review of our favorite rock star/neurosurgen/comic book hero/inventor/whatever else he does in his spare time.

    http://www.kickassmysticninjas.com/
    Look for show#25.

    And, for my profoundness entry, I leave you with Rog Zelazny in Trumps of Doom:

    “Was it true?” he asked. “Would I have gained had I succeeded?”

    “Power is like money.” I said. “You can usually get it if you’re competent and it’s the only thing you want in life. Would you have gained by it though? I don’t think so.”

    “I’m talking about the meaning life. You know that.”

    I shook my head.

    “Only a fool believes that life has but one meaning,” I said

  65. Why is it that most women do not have the common courtesy to put the seat back up when they are done ?

  66. My favorite quote…it always cheers me up…

    Thurston: Oh Gilligan.
    Gilligan: Oh, hi Mr. & Mrs. Howell.
    Lovey: Is there something wrong Gilligan?
    Thurston: Yes, yes my boy. You seem like you’re in another world.
    Gilligan: Mr. Howell, don’t say that; I want to stay here in this world.
    Thurston: Permission granted. {:laughs: Hah!}
    Lovey: Thurston, you’re so democratic.
    Thurston: Lovey, Lovey… Watch your language.

  67. When the Malwa soldiers rousted the stablekeeper in Kausambe, and questioned him, he said nothing. The soldiers did not question him for very long. They were board and inattentive, having already visited five stables in the great city that morning, and with more to come. So the stablekeeper was able to satisfy them soon enough.

    No, he had not seen any young noblewoman – or soldiers – leaving on horseback

    He could not tell the difference between Kushans and any other steppe barbarians, anyway. The savages all looked alike to him.

    The soldiers, peasants from the Gangetic plain, smiled. Nodded.

    He had seen nothing. Heard nothing. Knew nothing.

    The soldiers, satisfied, went on their way.
    The plans and schemes of tyrants are broken by many things. They shatter against the cliffs of heroic struggle. They rupture on the reefs of open resistance. And they are slowly eroded, bit by little bit, on the very beaches where they measure triumph, by the countless grains of sand. By the stubborn little decencies of humble little men.

  68. “A thing moderately good is not so good as it ought to be. Moderation in temper is always a virtue; but moderation in principle is always a vice.”
    –Thomas Paine

    “I’ve been a lot more peaceful since I decided a few years ago to stop arguing with people had beliefs so random they might as well have been arrived at through MadLibs: ‘We should prohibit ______ (verb), because it’s not _______ (adverb)…’”
    steve s

  69. My personal mantra has always been from Stan Freeberg’s History of the United States of America part 1. It’s “In a hundred years, what the heck deck difference will make?” It’s in the Betsy Ross scene. In the midst of making many decisions, I ask myself that question to see if it really matters what I decide in the long run. Usually, it doesn’t.

    I once was talking with some of the teenagers in the library, and they asked me my thoughts on “Wuthering Heights” since they we’re covering it in school. My thought was “You can never underestimate a person’s capacity to create their own hell.” The kids thought it was amazingly profound and one of them got an “A” on an essay when he used that as his thesis. His teacher was very impressed. The sad thing is I see it in effect almost every day.

  70. “The opposite of love is apathy, and hate is really the same as love – IF you’re so consumed by hatred for someone, you might as well be loving them, because you’re thinking about them for the same amount of time.”

    All the profundity I can think of for today.

    Thanks to all of you, I now need to find a copy of buckaroo banzai. Never seen it.

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