Last week, as you’ll recall, I ran a contest to see what contest I would have to give away a copy of Coffee Shop. And now – at last! — the time has come for that contest to be run.

So: Want a free copy of my sold-out-before-publication book, You’re Not Fooling Anyone When You Take Your Laptop To a Coffee Shop: Scalzi on Writing? Here’s what you do:

1. Imagine I have released a book in the year 2009.

2. Imagine you really really really hate it.

3. Write a review that expresses the full extent of your loathing. Post it in the comment thread to this entry.

4. Extra points for being mercilessly and gratuitously cruel. Even more extra points if you quote excerpts, and even more extra points if the excerpts actually read like me.

5. Post the review here by 11:59:59 Eastern, Thursday, March 8, 2007.

I will read the “reviews” and pick my favorite; that person shall win the coveted copy of Coffee Shop. I’ll announce the winner by next Monday.

Now, two things:

* One scathing review per participant. So make it good.

* Remember that this scathing review is for a book I have not written. Please do not post scathing reviews of books I have written, even if, in fact, you think those books actually kinda suck. Among other things, reviews of books I have actually written will be disqualified from consideration for the prize. I may also delete them simply to keep the thread on topic.

Now, you may ask: What sort of horrible book have I written that you will hate so damn much? Well, I leave that up to you; I am sure you all, in your fertile imaginations, can imagine any number of ways in which I could well and truly suck. Frankly, I can’t imagine you folks will need any help working on that one. I’m a pretty big target after all. So fire away.

I can’t wait.

First off, a big fat w00t! to Cherie Priest, whose limited edition novel Dreadful Skin makes it out in the big ol’ world today. Because I’m special, I got an early look at it, and I thought it was just fabulous; it had just about everything that makes Cherie one of my favorite contemporary smart and spooky writers. And it’s gotten lovely reviews from others, just in case you think my taste is suspect. And you can still check out the first third of the novel — which is its own, self-contained novella — online at Subterranean Press.

Speaking of Subterranean Press, while you can order Dreadful Skin in various places online, you may wish to consider ordering it through the SubPress Web site, because Subterranean Press is doing a nifty little giveaway contest:

We have in our hands an ultra rare PC copy of Stephen King’s new short story collection, The Secretary of Dreams, just published by Cemetery Dance. This very oversized volume contains literally hundreds of illustrations by Glenn Chadbourne, is printed in two colors, and signed by both the author and artist!

Best of all, we’re giving it away!

That’s not all!

Second prize in this giveaway will be a copy of our just published edition of The Green Mile, which features more than 60 brand new black and white illustrations by noted artist Mark Geyer. The Subterranean Gift edition consists of six small hardcovers with foil stamped covers, printed in two colors throughout, housed in a custom slipcase.

To enter the drawing, all you need to do is place an order for any in-print or forthcoming title between now and 5:00 EST Friday, March 9, 2007. For every book you order, we’ll drop your name into the “hat” five times.

Yeah, that’s pretty cool. But if you really want to boost your chances, Subterranean is offering to double your tallies in the drawing you if you order one of three books that Subterranean announced today. The first is a new collection of short stories from Neil Gaiman, called M is for Magic, which just looks damn cool. The other two are from me.

Which is to say that today Subterranean announced that it would be publishing very limited special editions of both Old Man’s War and The Ghost Brigades. These editions will feature full color covers and several full color interior plates from artist Vincent Chong, and will also likely feature new introductions by me. Basically, they’re going to be damn cool. There will be two editions: a signed hardcover edition, of which 400 will be made, for $60; and (if you’re feeling especially collectoriffic), a signed, lettered traycased edition of 15 for $250. Those of you who bought the signed editions of The Sagan Diary will also have the option of getting the same number for the limited editions of OMW and TGB, so your collection of Scalziana will all match.

Also, because Subterranean knows that treating Whatever readers well makes feel all warm and fuzzy inside, here’s a special deal for those of you thinking of plunking down $120 for both limited editions: Until Friday, you can get both cheaper:

Until Friday (3/9/07) buy copies of both OMW and TGB for only $95, a savings of $25 off the regular cover price. Please mention the special when checking out. May not be combined with other specials, coupons or savings certificates (although you’ll still be entered in the Stephen King drawing). Your shopping cart total and automatic e-mail confirmation won’t reflect the sale price. Don’t worry, we’ll catch it when processing your order. Important note: If you use PayPal, e-mail us for an invoice. Do NOT go through our online store. Thanks.

Here’s the store page for OMW on Subterranean; here’s the store page for TGB. Both are slated for release this summer. Don’t worry, I’ll probably mention them again the closer we get to release.

That covers that.

In Australia, in Adelaide, there’s a successful concern called Scalzi Produce (who I imagine are pretty ticked at me taking the Scalzi.com domain; they have to make do with scalzi.com.au), who are sponsors of Adelaide United, the football/soccer team from the area. Apparently Scalzi Produce is going to be the front of shirt sponsor for the team in an upcoming series of home stands, and I’ve decided I pretty much need to have the jersey for my own, or I may die. I’ve dropped a note to the team via their Web site, but I don’t realistically expect to hear back from them that way.

So, my Australian friends: How would I go about doing this? The team has its own online store, of course, but the jerseys they sell there don’t have the Scalzi Produce logo on it, and that’s what I really want. Is there a way to secure this particular jersey? Any Adelaide-based Whatever readers out there? Or other antipodeans with ideas? As I said, without this particular jersey I may wither away into nothingness, and we wouldn’t want that.

Update: 6:08 pm — Hey! Just got a very nice note from Aldo at Scalzi Produce over on my bio page, thanks to the efforts of Brian Forte. Likewise, Timelady did me a favor and touched base with Adelaide United. Australians rock. And yes, Justine, I knew that already. It’s just nice to have it confirmed from time to time.