Four Words I’m Not Entirely Sure Ought to Be Used in Combination, Ever

They are: Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

You’ll have to imagine my “WTF?” face going on here. I can see a need for vaginal plastic surgery, laser-based or otherwise, in the cases of injury, whether during childbirth or in some other way. But getting surgery done to restore a “youthful aesthetic look”? Madness. Maybe I haven’t been a critical enough observer of the body part in question, but I’m flummoxed to come up a set of parameters that would equate with a “youthful aesthetic look” in that area. I suppose if my partner has such a surgery and asked “so, do I look younger?” I would say “yes,” because she spent all that money and I wouldn’t want her to feel bad. But saying it and seeing it are two different things.

Aside from the “youthful aesthetic” thing apparently some women are having the surgery to look more like a virgin. That’s a whole sort of social pathology I don’t even want to get into at the moment.

Personally I would suspect that Kegel exercises are likely to take care of much of any “problem” with youthful demeanor down there, and the rest is women being preyed upon by folks who want a really nice boat in a primo marina. I’m willing to admit ignorance on this topic, but this is my suspicion. Moreover, when the plastic surgeons start advertising laser penile rejuvenation surgery, as they inevitably will, my position on that will be much the same, except that I’m likely to state it while being crouched over and typing the words with my chin because my hands are busy reflexively protecting something else.

Honestly, folks. Just, no. Okay?

50 thoughts on “Four Words I’m Not Entirely Sure Ought to Be Used in Combination, Ever

  1. The commercials could be “So you got botox, and your face looks young. You got liposuction. So your body looks young. How about those other parts?”

  2. I didn’t read the link in question — believe me, I’ve read enough va-jay-jay rejuvenation stories to last a lifetime — but a big push behind this wack idea is porn. Just as women once wanted Sandra Dee’s nose, now they want Jenna Jameson’s ya-ya. Go figure.

    The last one of these I read featured the anecdote of some woman who had the virgin-restoration option as an anniversary present for her husband. It cost something like $6,000. The article had comments attached, and I thought one said it all: “She should have spent the six grand on a new plasma-screen TV. He could enjoy that more than once.”

  3. Nance:

    “now they want Jenna Jameson’s ya-ya.”

    Ewww. Don’t they know where it’s been?

  4. Oh, at first I thought you might be referring to a procedure that would ameliorate the effects of FGM, which would be a Good Thing. Alas, it was not.

    Now that I read more, I’m not sure how effective this laser treatment would be any ways. As you said, Kegels seem like they’d be more effective.

  5. That’s kind of retarded.

    And I don’t mean “retarded” as in a “that’s bad, and retarded also describes my vocabulary” sort of way, but in a “if you think LVRS is a good idea, then you were denied oxygen as a infant” sort of way.

    Is it really vaginal surgery, or is it surgery on the vulva? Because if you’re getting a “more youthful looking vagina,” you’re really just doing it for your OB, because few romantic partners have the equipment necessary to really see up inside the vagina.

    I mean, I’ve heard that “It’s what’s on the inside that counts,” but I don’t think this is what they meant.

    Also, it seems like the kind of thing that, if done right, means that you just need to keep getting it done. “Why honey, look how youthful and fresh your genitals are. Let’s have lots and lots of sex.” Before you know if, your labia are drooping, and it’s back to the doctor.

    But who knows.

    K

  6. Really, there ARE words – from the WaPo article John linked to. . .

    procedures that use a laser to enhance sexual gratification . . .

    clearly, the female answer to the proliferation of ED pills on the market.

  7. …of all places, that came up in my Philosophy of Feminism course last week. We were torn between “okay, maybe it’s good that people don’t have to feel constrained by whatever their body does, since we’re going to be judged based on our bodies in the present day?” and “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”.

  8. Gives a whole new meaning to “Don’t mess up my hair.”

    So, when some women have breast enhancements they feel the need to show them off and men show off their pectoral replacments, I really hope we don’t have such a reaction with this surgery.

  9. This stuff makes me really angry. It is just another way to teach women and girls that their genitals are not pretty enough or good enough and that they need to get them “fixed”.

    Ugh ugh ugh.

  10. Emily:

    “It is just another way to teach women and girls that their genitals are not pretty enough or good enough and that they need to get them ‘fixed.’”

    Or that their bodies in general are.

    I think it’s stupid. I like variety, personally.

  11. John, I second that variety statement. Lately, a lot of the young girls all look the same and have the appearance of using a power buffer on their skin and a plastic form for their hair. While they are all off limits for me (older and married), I have to say even if they weren’t I would probably run screaming from them. It’s like a live action Children of the Corn event.

  12. Well, Nance has a good point (about wanting to copy some porn star’s vagina). But there have also been several stories recently about the pornography industry’s fears of the coming high-def revolution. Specifically, that HDTV is going to show a lot more of the flaws of the porn (adult entertainment) actors’ bodies. They’re going to have to work very hard to maintain their air of perfection, and this is definitely one area that’ll be seen a lot.

    As for me, well, yeah, some poor plastic surgeon looking for a new niche to become a rich plastic surgeon.

  13. When I first read about this kind of surgery, I thought it was a good thing. It was mainly being used by middle eastern women to ‘restore’ their virginity (and save their lives by doing so). I suppose it was only a matter of time before the procedure was corrupted.(shaking head)

  14. “This stuff makes me really angry. It is just another way to teach women and girls that their genitals are not pretty enough or good enough and that they need to get them “fixed”.

    Ugh ugh ugh.”

    Right.

    Which is why I have a lot of trouble with equating women who bow to that social pressure with people who were “denied oxygen as children.”

  15. John Scalzi:

    “I like variety, personally.”

    Dennis:

    “Does Krissy know that?”

    DAMMIT! You beat me to it.

    John Scalzi:

    Krissy knows all. It’s terrifying in its way.

    Mrs. Chang is the same. All seeing, all knowing, all tolerating. Well, except for bringing the laptop into bed.

  16. I disagree kindly with all you posters here at Whatever Mr. Scalzi. I understand where they are coming from but just can’t agree with them.

    I am male in my mid thirties and my favorite hobby is lying on my back naked on the bathroom floor in front of my full length mirror. I don’t think anyone can truly know themselves until they have looked straight into their own brown eye and come to terms with their nether regions. So much of a man’s power is caught up in his sphincter; to ignore it is to ignore ones true self.

    I often try to better my bum. I’ve tried waxing, buffing, sanding, plucking, bleaching and I even tried turpentine (I don’t recommend that last one.) But a laser? Awesome! Of course I don’t have a vagina but maybe it will work on the anus? If you know anyone with a laser that would be willing to attempt the first Laser Anal Rejuvenation Surgery please let me know. My high school reunion is coming up and currently my poop shoot is so sloppy looking I am afraid nobody will recognize me if I don’t do something.

    Many thanks,

    Nisleib

    P.S. – the above is a joke.

  17. I’m posting the comment now so the previous message won’t be a total threadkiller.

  18. Just as women once wanted Sandra Dee’s nose, now they want Jenna Jameson’s ya-ya. Go figure.

    As I understand it, they don’t need to go to the surgeon for that — they can order a replica online, molded of lifelike silicone or something equally disturbing. (And made from a casting of the original, evidently.)

    That, thankfully, is about all I know, and I’m not about to do any more research on the subject. Especially not while at work.

  19. This is both funny and sad. Funny that anyone would pay to have a youthful looking vagina. Vulva? Sure. Vagina? It’s not even supposed to be a part of the body you can see!

    The reason it’s a little sad is that I would put money on the fact that a lot of these women who do this have been abused/are being abused. This cosmetic surgery is just another way they are objectified. I’m not saying everyone who does it has been abused, but for those who have been, this is probably not going to help a lot in their healing process. Yeech.

  20. It’s probably just my own ignorance here, but, well- even if one assumes that looks are important enough to spend a lot of money on dubious medical procedures in order to get them closer to some unreachable standard- not that I’d ever accept that assumption, but let’s just assume it for a moment- how could that work here at all? How does an older vulva even look different from the same vulva at a younger age? I don’t see how the usual aging processes of the human body would apply here. It is, after all, a part of the body for wich “a bit wrinkled and not really polished” is the natural state.

  21. On the subject of variety, one of the reasons I’d be hesitant to get plastic surgery for aesthetic reasons alone is that there seems to be a limited number of templates all based on one standard of beauty. One nose. One set of cheekbones. One set of eyes. I personally liken these surgeons to artists whose women all look the same–(although in the artists’ case, it’s usually because they have their wife or girlfriend modelling for them.) I’ve often wondered why actors will go and get work done, only to come out with the same nose as the actor before them.

  22. Chang -

    What’s “anus bleaching”? Honestly, this isn’t a troll. My wife was reading People Magazine a few months ago in the car, and told me that Courtney Cox was having her anus bleached.

    I refuse to Google it, because I may be horrified at the results that come up.

    Christian

  23. Anal bleaching will make your brown eye into a pale blonde one.

    Really.

    I guess I can’t see how this is funny. I am still sad.

  24. ‘Restore’ and ‘virginity’, now there are two words I haven’t seen together since the last time I read John Cleland’s ‘Fanny Hill’.

    Apart from adding new meaning to the term ‘light sabre’, this seems like another instance of those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad.

    Oh, and in those parts of the world where this can ‘save the lives’ of women, the laser should be used on the genitals of their menfolk, the way Blofeld tried to use one on James Bond in ‘Goldfinger’.

  25. To steal a Pat Califia line, there are some vulvas I like looking at more than others, but it’s not like I would call any of them ugly.

    For $6K I think you can get a RealDoll.

  26. I’ve been out in the woodshop all day, and just now came in for lunch and read this.

    I have not the words. Really. And I’ve lost my appetite. Talk about a lack of self esteem, how low opinion of yourself do you have to have to opt for this surgery out of fucking vanity? (pun not intended). This is insane, seriously as in NOT sane behavior. Not only for the woman who has the procedure in a vain attempt to have her whatever cosmetically “rejuvenated,” but especially for the utter self-centered jackass of a “man” who is so incredibly stupid as to think he wants a porn star for a partner. The entire concept is revolting in the extreme.

    I’m going back out to the shop where I will run power tools and play classical music at full volume in an attempt to blot the terms “LVRS” and “anal bleaching” from what’s left of my mind.

  27. The only reason for any procedures in that place are if they are medically indicated. If vanity can’t get me to lose the extra twenty pounds, it sure won’t get knives and other medical instruments in that place with so many nerve endings. I barely tolerate the needle when giving blood, why in the world would I do anything any other place.

  28. Yo, medical innovators — still waiting on that cure for cancer. Soon as you can, ‘kay?

  29. Oh. My. God. That is an awful article, and more to the point, an incredibly sad statement about society. The fact that women are now having surgery to have nicer looking genitals is just beyond belief for me. I totally get the point of having surgery in cases of genital mutilation. But for “rejuvenation”?!?! It strikes me that women who consider themselves candidates for this surgery are perhaps (!) suffering from low self esteem, and looking for ways to feel better about themselves. The same way people get numerous plastic surgeries, and still feel lousy because changing the outside doesn’t change the inside. As a society, how can women (and men) gracefully age when it is pushed on us from all areas that our bodies just don’t cut it????

    The first person who wants to show me the new va-jay-jay is going to get a swift kick! I didn’t mind admiring my girlfriend’s breasts after she had a reduction (much needed) because she needed the moral support. But wow, sometime you can just go to far.

    Gawd. I am going to have to wash my brain. Anal bleaching. eeewwww….. Sorry for the rant…guess this touched a nerve with me :)

  30. To be sure, for every 20 ditzes who are having their labia reshaped to make them more pornalicious, there’s probably at least one who has a, um, problematic set. These are the ladies who can’t wear pants tighter than surgical scrubs, etc. — the downstairs version of the woman with truly weird boobs whose plastic surgery can be considered therapeutic.

    As for anal bleaching, I think that was seen in an episode of “Dr. 90210,” a procedure sought out by, yes, another porn star. Since hers is up there on the silver screen, so to speak, she wanted one that was peachy-pink and kissing-sweet. For her, it was probably tax deductible. Whether others are following in her footsteps is probably debatable, and I’d guess most plastic surgeons would avoid that one like, well, you know.

    The Courtney Cox thing refers to a semi-famous short story (as in fiction) that’s been knocking around the web for some time; she gets her anus bleached in the course of the action, but again — it’s fiction.

    That concludes today’s qualifications and clarifications.

  31. You know, I always figured that anyone who was in a position to see my genitalia was already someone I didn’t have to put on a show for.

  32. Man, this article just pissed me off and I damn near cut my hand off on the lathe thinking about it.

    How about this?

    Men, meet BOB (show guy with fixed smile!). He’s all hopped up on “Male Enhancement Supplements” and thinking about trading the old dried-up ball-and-chain in on a minty fresh, 19 year-old, Jameson clone. He’s got a shiny new pink Caddie that lasts longer than 4 hours and he needs a new garage to park it in. But BOB (show guy with fixed smile looking at old garage) can’t afford a new parking spot. The alimony payments alone would having all his friends laughing (show guy with fixed smile looking at Caddie with flat tires). Don’t fear BOB! For the price of just one alimony payment, we can build you a trophy wife. (Show guy with fixed smile standing next to Giant SUV and Boat. Show wife with Botox smile, plastic boobs, and refurbished garage). LASER VAGINAL REJUVANATION SURGERY, some restriction apply.

    And now on the HGTV Channel: Flip this Old Bag. Today watch as Bambi and Dr. Gyno flip this 1962 Homemaker. They’ll rip out that nasty old 1970′s shag carpet and lay a brand new Brazilian rug, replace the sagging front door with a snazzy new plastic portal, and finally put a new lighter coat of paint on the back porch. Stay tuned.

  33. Sorry. I thought the “nice boat in a primo marina” comment was a sexual reference not even I was aware of. Then I realized you really meant a boat boat, and a marina marina.

    Boy, is my face red.

  34. The phrase in the article that tripped my what?-o-meter was “Brazilian butt augmentation”.

    And, hymenoplasty. I can’t imagine paying $3k and making my wife undergo a medical procedure just to support a defloration fantasy….

  35. Holy cow. OK, I hate to admit it, but I think at this point I’ve underestimated the tastelessness of some parts of American culture (and d@mnit, I *live* here)!

    No doubt about it, it’s sad that we have so many women in this country that have learned to think of their appearances as being so tantamount to their identities as women. It’s even worse to think that there are so many men out there who honestly believe that they have a right to expect their wives/girlfriends to look like porn stars. What scares me the most is the number of people, men *and* women, for whom women are the “sex” class – for whom it is right and natural for women to think about themselves and identify as sex objects.

    We live in a country where we are confronted, every day, with double standards in the way men and women dress and behave. Women who behave as aggressively as many men would not be rewarded as the men would be. And so it goes.

    As for me, I am old enough to remember watching Billie Jean King (who was not considered a beauty queen in her time, but who had more than enough heart) take on Bobby Riggs, and not understanding why my own father was put out when she won. We need a few more Billie Jean Kings out there. And this time, when I see her, I won’t be so quiet in my approval. It’s the heart that matters, boys and girls, not the body. “All flesh grows old, like a garment…”

  36. Funny that the article states that Dr Warner’s goal is to empower women. Am I wrong to assume that such a procedure would be brought on my lack of self confidence? Am I also wrong to state that such a procedure in my mind will not make up for this lack of self confidence and GOD FORBID the procedure goes awry. I can see the Dr saying “I could of swore this was a sex change procedure.” And BOOM Dr gets sued and insurance rates go up. Again.
    I feel that one of the principles the modern western world is is acceptance. And if people cannot accept something as fundamental as looks or what equipment God gave us then there is something fundamentally wrong.
    But I am curious. In the surgery brochure, is there a before and after photo? What is the model for a perfect ya-ya?

  37. Eight more words that should never be read immediately after a heavy meal – “Restoring your virginity through hymonoplasty and hymen repair.” (And I’m not going to provide a link. Google it yourself and prepare to vomit.)

    For the woman who has everything – including a very rich yet retarded significant other.

  38. I haven’t closed my mouth since I read those four words. I’m not sure what to do.

    Thanks John, for making this into a WTF day.

  39. Y’know, I’ve never even heard of Jenna Jameson. I can guess her profession from context. Ahh, the things you learn on the Web.

    I’ve heard of the hymen restoration surgery (that is something of a kick of some silly, rich people in this county). Hadn’t heard of the other. Really don’t want to know.

    I suppose this is also one of those male/female differences. I mean, you always hear about “male enhancement” drugs/devices but you don’t hear about “penile/scrotum rejuvenation.”

    If they cared more about a woman’s sexual climax, they’d be talking a whole lot more about anatomy, good lovemaking skills and serotonin levels than worrying about “vaginal rejuvenation.”

    gaak.

  40. Reaction 1: BWAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

    Reaction 2: Now that that’s out of the way, there probably _are_ a few women out there whose equipment really could benefit from refurbishing, just like there really are men and women so ugly that facial cosmetic surgery is justified. We can make self-righteous proclamations about how “People should be happy the way they are!”, but that doesn’t make the poor unfortunate with the cleft lip feel any better.

    Reaction 3: Cosmetic issues aside, the article also implied that there were procedures to enhance physical sensations as well. Who are we to condemn the woman who wants more orgasms?

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