(Phone rings. It’s a FRIEND, in California)
Friend: So, I’m here in San Diego, and everything is on fire. All of California is on fire. Fire reigns here.
Me: That’s very nice, but I think your fascination with this fire thing has blinded you to the actual big news story of the weekend.
Friend: Which is?
Me: Dumbledore is, like, totally gay.
Friend: That’s insane.
Me: Which part, that he’s gay, or that it’s the big news story?
Friend: Either! Both! Is this gay thing in the books somewhere?
Me: No, JK Rowling said something about it at an appearance. Someone asked if Dumbledore ever knew love, and Rowling said something like, ‘well, he’s totally gay, and yes.’
Friend: Was she kidding?
Me: No, apparently Dumbledore has this mad crush on a guy, who then turned out to be evil, and Dumbledore was slow on the uptake because when you’re infatuated, you miss details.
Friend: Like your boyfriend being completely and utterly evil.
Me: This is what I am led to understand.
Friend: That’s just crazy.
Me: I don’t see why it’s a surprise. He always did have such fabulous robes.
Friend: And this is really what the rest of you people have been talking about all weekend.
Me: Well, I don’t think you appreciate the gravity of the situation. It’s Dumbledore. You’ve just been consumed with your silly little fire.
Friend: Being consumed in fire is more like it.
Me: I think you need to focus on what’s really important.
Friend: Not burning to death?
Me: No, no. The secret inner lives of fictional people in books you haven’t bothered to read.
Friend: I’ll get right on that.
Me: Do. Because now we’re all wondering about McGonagall.
Friend: What, like she’s a Templar or something?
Me: See. Now you’re getting it.