Let Down by Soft Rock Yet Again

It took me 33 years to realize it, but you know what: Oz totally did give something to the Tin Man that he didn’t already have, namely, that heart-shaped watch on a chain. That’s why he gave it to the Tin Man in the first place. And the Tim Man wasn’t like, all, “oh, thanks, I was wondering where I put that.” Honestly, I don’t know how they missed that.

Also, I doubt you can find the Tropic of Sir Galahad on any credible map.

They were correct about how in the desert, the heat is hot. But I don’t know how much credit they should expect to get for that.

Sorry, I had to interrupt my book writing to tell you this because my brain would not give me peace until I did.

Don’t even get me started on that bastard Dan Fogelberg.

I’m going back to work now.

96 thoughts on “Let Down by Soft Rock Yet Again

  1. Dammit now you’ve got the Air America lounge scene in my head. Y’know with the two Vietnamese entertainers doing ‘Horse with no name’. I’m gonna be walking around the office singing “Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra, Fa ra ra, ra ra.”

    There’s only one solution… 80s pop.

  2. All valid points, but the part I don’t get is this: if you’ve been through the desert where there just ain’t much to do or see and the heat is hot and all of that – how come you didn’t give the horse a friggin’ name? I mean in the desert you can remember your own damned name.

    Nine days in the desert, dude, It’s not like you didn’t have the time.

  3. I love America, but that song is forever spoiled for me. On a Vegas road trip, my Texan friend turned to me and said, “You know, ‘a horse with no name’ means a stolen horse. Why are we listening to a song about stealing horses?” I nearly cried.

  4. Ah, leave Fogelberg alone. The guy loved his Dad and wasn’t afraid to say so. And mountain vistas. And horsies. At least he sang like a dude.

    Now, David Gates… There’s a sumbitch that needed his guitar bashed against the wall. Paint that, motherf*#&er.

  5. “Will you meet me in the middle
    Will you meet me in the air”

    O-kaaay…

    “Ventura Highway, in the sunshine
    Where the days are longer
    The nights are stronger than moonshine
    You’re gonna go I know”

    Uhhh…no thanks. Useta live in LA.

    “Cause the free wind is blowin’ through your hair
    and the days surround your daylight there
    seasons cryin’ no despair
    Alligator lizards in the air”

    Drop another tab of acid, amn, and it will all make sense…

  6. Jim Wright:
    Nine days in the desert, dude, It’s not like you didn’t have the time.

    Oh, give ‘im a break. He kept thinking of Sister Golden Hair surprise. Besides, like John said, the heat was hot.

  7. I consdier myself a horrid musical bigot, because I am.

    But like all bigot’s I love what I openly hate. “I’m not in LOve’ by 10CC makes me cry. And that song by Fogelberg where he talks about I’ll be in love with you forever or something like that always kills me. Because I’d sing along with that in 4th grade whenever it came on the radio. Because it reminded me of Jenny Papazian.

    Oh, Jenny Papazian…. swooon!

  8. Dan Fogelberg, America, David Gates…all OK in my book, in small doses.

    In the Periodic Table of Bad, Air Supply is plutonium.

  9. I guess it never occurred to you that the Tin Man was just being polite, like when the same relatives give you a nearly-identical wooden pepper grinder three Christmases in a row and you pretend you didn’t own one before they gave you the “first” much less the subsequent two.

    As a matter of fact, the Tin Man re-gifted three of those watches to Princess Ozma and Glinda; Glinda ended up getting two identical watches, which was pretty embarrassing because Glinda had actually gone out that year and spent way-too-much money on a coat the Tin Man had mentioned liking back in September. It was a pretty bad scene: pissing off a good witch isn’t as bad as pissing off a wicked witch, but it’s still pretty bad. It rained frogs on the poor guy for about six weeks until he sent her flowers….

    Anyway….

  10. Somewhere just south of Birmingham, Alabama, there’s a field. (Make that a bog.) Somewhere in that field is an 8-track tape. Best of Dan Fogelberg. (As if.)

    Threw it out the window when Carl’s wife shoved it in the player for the 8th time.

    Hah!

  11. >I mean in the desert you can remember your own damned name.

    Well, yeah, but that’s only ’cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain. Which wouldn’t have any bearing on your ability to remember your horse’s name. Um… I think. Anyway.

    Maybe the horse is *supposed* to be nameless, sort of like the Doctor in “Doctor Who”.

  12. Don’t be bagging on David Gates, Hentosz. Twern’t nothing better to a pre-teen girl in the late 70s with emerging hormones than some Bread. Especially since “If” was heavily featured in the Hardy Boys episode where Joe’s fiancee was killed by a drunk driver. Made that pre-teen girl weep like a banshee, it did.

    What?! Did you not read the “pre-teen girl in the late 70s with emerging hormones” part?

    Ya know, when I was forced to be in the same room as a TV blaring Hannah Montana on Thanksgiving, I had to remember that I once willingly watched horrific dreck in my youth. All because of some really cute guys.

    Sergeante E, I’ve lived in the L.A. area for over 20 years and I totally understand “Ventura Highway” – except the alligator line. That’s probably the acid talking. But the days? Oh how they are wrapped around the daylight.

  13. Why has no one mentioned that America did the crappy soundtrack to an entire movie? I used to think The Last Unicorn was so damn cool when I was small. It would still be damn cool…with a complete overhaul of every single sound in it.

  14. Moments fleet, taste sweet within the rapture
    When precious flesh is greedily consumed
    But mystery’s a thing not easily captured
    And once deceased not easily exhumed.

    Strangest goddamned lyrics in a love song I’ve ever heard.

  15. I think I’ve made this point before, but:

    “How can we dance when our earth is turning”

    I’m not enough of a physicist to say exactly what would happen, but I suspect if the earth *wasn’t* turning, it would certainly make dancing much more difficult.

    “How do we sleep while our beds are burning”

    Get a motel room?

  16. Hey, at least David Gates and Bread were of the generation of pop stars that made valuable contributions to society, like helping the Hardy Boys rescue a woman from the KGB, in a two-part episode:

    http://www.tv.com/the-hardy-boys-nancy-drew-mysteries/defection-to-paradise-1/episode/164189/recap.html

    If I remember correctly, when the band played “Goodbye Girl” that was the cue for the Hardys to make their move…

    Any rock stars nowadays helping to solve mysteries? All I can think of is Korn on South Park.

    As far as America goes, all I have to say is that when I’ve been a lonely person, drinking from a silver cup never did squat.

  17. Dude! Put that stuff away! It’s time to listen to Christmas music!!

    I’m dialed up to eleven while Louie Armstrong puts his thing down with Christmas Night in Harlem. Swingin’, babe. Swingin’. Next on the play list: Tony Bennet does My Favorite Things.

  18. Hmm. “Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain” Oh, I’ve been given pain allright . . . . it’s time for a visit from the Battlestar Grammatica!!!

  19. deCadmus: I’ve been busy doing the Snoopy dance to “Linus and Lucy” as well as the rest of the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack myself.

  20. “drinking from a silver cup never did squat”

    But did you ride that highway in the sky? See, you’ve got to follow all the directions or you can’t complain.

    I always hear the horse in the desert was a metaphor for heroin, but then again I believed you could hear AC/DC worshiping Satan if you played it backwards. Broke an expensive record player needle trying to hear for myself.

  21. Nathan @26, about Nicole The Wonder Nerd….she’s exaggerating. She’s not a TOTAL nerd. But she is wonderful.

    And, I know the name of the Horse With No Name. It’s “Esoteric Equine”. I learned that from the FM radio station in Sacramento that taught me all I needed to know about rock’n’roll. I was 13, they had music, and contests, and morning DJs. It was a whole new world. “Bye bye Miss American Pie”, “Riders On The Storm”, “Midnight at the Oasis”, “There’s Got To Be A Morning After”….so much music blowing the mind of a 13 year old whose previous experience didn’t get any deeper than “Froggy Went A Courting” and “The Tennesse Bird Waltz”.

  22. Matt Jarpe wrote:

    >>
    “drinking from a silver cup never did squat”

    But did you ride that highway in the sky? See, you’ve got to follow all the directions or you can’t complain.
    >>

    Ah, no– no, I did not. Apologies to America as I was probably too lonely at the time to maintain proper laboratory procedure.

    I guess it’s a moot point now. While I am near the Cherohala Skyway, and do own a silver cup, if I ever combined the two my wife would probably be in the car with me, defeating the “lonely” criterion.

  23. You are all bad for giving me overlaid earworms when I am backing up my whole hard drive and server share onto my iPod, because I won’t be able to scrub out my brain until after it has already been turned to mush.

    “Hold on for one more day … “

  24. Thank you, thank you! Now I have a whole bunch of responses to the inevitable question (inevitable on Usenet, anyway) “WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?” I feel like a moron for not having thought of these before.

    (Typo alert in Scalzi’s post–it should be Tropic, not Topic.)

  25. The proper response to “WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?” is:

    Remember, the microwave wasn’t always a common household appliance.

    which comes from Mike’s Weekly Skeptic Rant. Mike’s Canadian and the post is about Reiki woo woo, you’ve got to do some reading to find it, but I think it’s an appropriate response to just about any Usenet thread.

    Frankly, all I ask is will you meet me in the middle, will you meet me in the air? Will you love me just a little, just enough to show you care?

    Well, will you?

  26. but you know what: Oz totally did give something to the Tin Man that he didn’t already have, namely, that heart-shaped watch on a chain.

    The lyric, as I remember it, is:
    Oz never did give nuthin’ to the Tin Man, that he didn’t, didn’t already have” [emphasis mine]

    The multiple negatives in that line make it difficult to tell whether they think that Oz gave the Tin Man anything or not.

  27. Dan Fogelberg’s “Christmas” song is on my top 1 of most hated songs played at Christmastime. “Same Old Lang Syne”. HORRIBLE HORRIBLE CRAP!

  28. Well, at least everybody had the decency not to bring up America’s soul-crushing take on “Muskratt Love.”

    oh….sorry.

  29. Dogs Barking Jingle Bells is a complete order of magnitude worse than Dan Fogelberg’s xmas tunes. But by order of magnitude, I’m basically comparing a nine point earthquake disaster to a ten point earthquake disaster. Or as a certain over-fared, long-haired, leaping gnome once said, damn, dude, you spilled your wine.

  30. Thanks guys! I knew there was a bunch of stuff we were missing from our Cheesy 70′s folder on the shared drive where we keep our music. America, Dan Fogelberg, sadly absent from my hard drive.

    What? Man can not live on Stayin’ Alive and Copacabana alone!

  31. Carol Elaine:

    I was born and raised and lived until I was 37 in L.A. I can see people not from there letting the sunshine put the zap on their heads. To me it just means more smog. (Maybe the “alligator lizards” refers to that.)

  32. Now that you’ve brought up Copacabana, what are your thoughts on the “just who shot who?” question? Rico? Tony? Tony was a hothead, but Rico was a gangster and more likely to be packing. Either way, Lola would be alone at the end of the song.

  33. Randy:

    I hope you meant “Top 10″ most hated Xmas songs, because I can’t believe “Another Olde Lang Syne” is anyone’s number one. Now, even with my aberrant Fogelberg-defendin’ ways, I will agree that particular song is teh suck. But– If that’s the nadir for you, I hope you never hear “Grandma Got Run Over…,” “Christmas Shoes,” or “The Cat Carol.” Because, brother, if you do, your head will essplode.

  34. “Why has no one mentioned that America did the crappy soundtrack to an entire movie? I used to think The Last Unicorn was so damn cool when I was small. It would still be damn cool…with a complete overhaul of every single sound in it.”

    *mumbles* …i like the last unicorn soundtrack.

    Ok, no, I like the TITLE song on the soundtrack; pretty sure I deleted the rest of it from my harddrive.

  35. See, now I have trouble with stuff like sailors turning down real women ’cause their lover, their lady is the sea. I mean, dude, at least be honest about the mermaids out on the rocks!

  36. Unbelievably, that song is actually about being addicted to/high on/taking too much cocaine.

    It’s anyone’s guess on “In A Big Country…”

  37. Y’now, I actually have no trouble whatsoever with “Brandy”. The sea can be extremely captivating.

  38. Dwight@24: Don’t you go taking the piss out of our new national anthem!

    And since we’re heading up to that time of year, I’ll leave you all with the new and rather easier to remember version of Auld Lang Syne:

    Should old acquaintance be forgot
    Should old acquaintance be
    Forgot should old acquaintance be
    Forgot should old acquaint

    -Ance be forgot should old acquaint
    -Ance be forgot should old
    Acquaintance be forgot should old
    Acquaintance be forget

    (repeat until you fall over.)

  39. One Question

    To Phil Lesh and Robert Hunter: How do you get rain inside a box, without it just soaking through, and how will this box of rain ease pain?

    One Answer

    Paul McCartney: I didn’t know you in 1967 when you were 25, I wouldn’t be born for another 2 years, but I’m sorry, I can’t say I loved you as of last year, you’re just not my type. So I guess the answer was no.

    I would come up with more, but that would take time.

  40. Thel:

    It’s Dan Fogelberg’s, Make Love Stay.

    It’s got the loveliest beginning, but then the lyrics turn positively gruesome, and love has turned into a rotting corpse. Why, Dan, why?

  41. >*mumbles* …i like the last unicorn soundtrack.
    >Ok, no, I like the TITLE song on the soundtrack; pretty sure I >deleted the rest of it from my harddrive.

    Yeah, me too, though they really really need to hire actual singers to re-record the songs that aren’t sung by America. They just released a 25th anniversary DVD of _The Last Unicorn_; though the picture quality’s better, it still has Mia Farrow singing. The shrieking! The awful shrieking! *shudder*

  42. Xmas songs? “Met my old lover in the grocery store The snow was falling christmas eve…”

    I blame John. He could have just chewed on a piece of grass rather than blogged, but he’s probably writing a book about alligator lizards in the air, in the air….

  43. Okay, thank you for mentioning the shrieking, Nicole. I always have to mute my DVD during her DUMB DUMB DUMB song.

    Actually, it’s much funnier if you get a bunch of twentysomethings drunk, turn on The Last Unicorn but muted with captions, and assign everyone a part. Also better quality.

  44. >>Yeah, me too, though they really really need to hire actual singers to re-record the songs that aren’t sung by America. They just released a 25th anniversary DVD of _The Last Unicorn_; though the picture quality’s better, it still has Mia Farrow singing. The shrieking! The awful shrieking! *shudder*

    oooh, IZ TRU!! I have that DVD, my boyfriend bought it for me for valentines day. Still havent watched it yet, tho now i know to not expect remastered wonders on the soundtrack. :P

    Yeah i do not miss the era when they had the main voice actors do their own singing. My roommate once sent me an MP3 of Alan Rickman doing his own singing for some european animated movie ive never seen. And lets just say…no. No no no. No.

  45. Let’s just say that Dan Fogleberg at LEAST had the decency to use the language….name ANY other song with “exhumed” in it, I dare ya!!

  46. I can’t come up with another song that uses “exhumed”, but I can tell you songs that use the words “copacetic” and “parthenogenesis”.

  47. Magnetic Fields is awesome for using words you wouldn’t a thunk could be used that way. So, of course, is Sondheim.

    I met Ferdinand de Saussure
    On a night like this
    On love he said
    ‘I’m not so sure
    I even know what it is
    No understanding
    No closure
    It is a nemesis
    You can’t use a bulldozer
    To study orchids’

    Perpetual sunset
    Is rather an unset
    Ling thing.

  48. I feel it’s important to pass on these three profound pieces of information.
    1. The rivers are full of crocodile nasties
    and He who made kittens put snakes in the grass.
    2. Don’t mess around with Jim.
    3. It feels good to be out of the rain.
    Or is that four? Whatever–they’re your ear-worms now.
    Anon

  49. OK, Jim, I’ll give you “don’t mess around with Jim” and riposte with “Big Jooooh-hon, Big Bad John.”

  50. Colleen, FWIW, one of the great Broadway musicals was butchered on the movie screen when “Man of La Mancha” was cast with Peter O’Toole and Sophia Loren. It was superbly acted, but the idiot director ALLOWED THEM TO SING THEIR OWN PARTS! If they’d been dubbed a la “My Fair Lady” it would have been an infinitely better choice.

    Admittedly not as bad as William Shatner “singing”, but still very bad.

  51. John,

    I have decided that I hate you. I have just finished Android’s Dream and have come to the conclusion that each of your books has disrupted my life. I cannot refuse to pick them up. I cannot put them down until they are done. I look for extra pages that I may have missed and feel vague dissatisfaction for days after finishing one of your books because there is nothing left to read. I find myself frantically searching the “S” section at the bookstore and being irritated when there are no NEW books. Sometimes I have to kick myself to keep from buying a book I already have just so I can pretend I have a new book.

    Our Karma’s are now joined. You must continue to write, because I must continue to read. Should you fail to write another book soon, you will find me prowling your fenceline, faintly frothing at the mouth, growling and probably marking your mailbox post while waiting for the next book.

    If you foolishly die before I get another book, I will exhume your body and either reanimate it and force it to finish a new book, or I will tie your decaying brain into a computer network and force it through torture to either dictate via a speaker or output via Word. You are doomed by your skill…

    PS, can I get an autographed copy of your next work? Ya rock man!

  52. Good lord, you people have brought up half the music in my wife’s LP collection. All you’re missing is James Taylor, Linda Ronstadt, and Elton John!

    We are so musically mismatched. She was the 70s girl with the long hair and bangs, lighting a candle while she played “Fire and Rain” while I was wearing my jean jacket over my Led Zep t-shirt and driving my roommate crazy by playing 2112 ten times in a row.

    And finally, curse you all for putting these songs in my head – I hear them enough at home. Now I have to put on my headphones and blast some Porcupine Tree.

  53. Michael Kranjcevich Says:

    “Let’s just say that Dan Fogleberg at LEAST had the decency to use the language….name ANY other song with ‘exhumed’ in it, I dare ya!!”

    Yeah, but just because something is “deceased” doesn’t automatically mean it’s been buried, and anything MUST be buried first in order to be exhumed.

    Just sayin’, Mikey.

    (You can’t kill an old English teacher–no matter how hard you may try.)

  54. “Actually, it’s much funnier if you get a bunch of twentysomethings drunk, turn on The Last Unicorn but muted with captions, and assign everyone a part. Also better quality.”

    What a terrific idea, Julia! I may just try that with my upcoming Chris… no, Hanu… no, wait – Hol…. Aw, heck. My next gathering of friends ;-))

  55. OT: texasgeorge, I propose changing the whole mess to “I wish you all a SAPSFewTPIG!” Which stands, of course, for a “Sanctified Appropriated-Pagan-Symbolism Fest with 30% Interest and Guilt.”

    See how the funny sound of it balances the crushing nihilism? I like eggnog.

    Okay, sorry. Back on topic: Roger Whitaker, Anne Murray and the Carpenters — \m/Rawk!\m/

  56. Re: Roger Whittaker
    I first heard of The Rodge when catching up with the terrific existentialist British cop show “Life On Mars”. They used some darn song or other to close out one episode (after establishing, hilariously, that the loveable asshole chief of police was a fan), and I sort of backed away in horror. I think it was called something like “I Don’t Believe In If”. It’s the sort of song I’d imagine being written as an ironic parody of early 1970s folk, complete with “la la la”s.

    They usually chose good (or interesting, or thematically appropriate) songs for the show (Thin Lizzy doing “Whiskey in the Jar” = win), but that one was a clunker.

    Nathan, Lauren–thanks for the kind words!

  57. Jeff, yes, I mean NUMBER ONE…..although Christmas Shoes is climbing quickly. I can not stand that DF song.

    Those other ones, you can’t count those. Cat Carol, Grandma, Dogs Jingle Bells, etc.. Those are novelty songs. Everyone hates those.

    It takes something “special” to pen Same Old Lang Syne, Christmas Shoes, etc…

  58. I think that Berke Breathed summed it up best in an old Bloom County strip when he referred to him as “Dan Fogelburp”.

  59. I just want to say:

    Go ahead and hate your neighbor,
    Go ahead and cheat a friend.
    Do it in the name of Heaven,
    You can justify it in the end.
    There won’t be any trumpets blowing
    Come the judgement day,
    On the bloody morning after….
    One tin soldier rides away.

  60. Randy: It takes something “special” to pen…

    Fair enough. As Olson Johnson said in Blazing Saddles: “Who can argue with that?” We’ll just have to agree to disagree which song goes after that ellipsis.

  61. Re: #57

    Paul McCartney is known to own a home in Pasadena. I’m at risk for saying this, but if I run into him, I’d likely say: “Sir Paul, great pleasure to meet you, but, with all due respect, given my B.S. in English Literature from Caltech, what’s the deal here? “In this world in which we live in.” [Paul McCarney, “Live and Let Die”].

  62. I love the song, but: “Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes” — I’d call an otolaryngologist and an ophthalmologist immediately.

    Could Elvis let me know the botant behind the phrase in “All Shook Up”: “I’m itchin like a man on a fuzzy tree”

    And what is the English translation of the line from Muskrat Love: “And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed
    Singin and jingin the jango”

    At least that’s easier to parse than the more recent:

    The Killers “Somebody Told Me”

    Somebody told me
    That you had a boyfriend
    That Looked like a girlfriend
    That I had in February of last year
    It’s not confidential
    I’ve got potential
    Rushing and rushing around

    Yeah….

    But getting back to the map-challenged lyric you started with, can you explain:

    “And cause never was the reason for the evening, for the tropic of Sir Galahad.”

  63. I believe it’s: “And cause never was the reason for the evening, or the tropic of Sir Galahad.”

    Yeah, I know. That clears up everything.

  64. In Olivia Newton-John’s “Make a Move on Me” (lyrics by John Farrar/Tom Snow” we have the couplet:

    “You made the prettiest speech I’ve heard
    But a single touch surely is worth a thousand words”

    Now, since a picture is worth a thousand words, and two things equal to the same thing are equal to each other, it follows that a picture is worth a single touch.

    Hey, the album is called “Physical” — and that, more than the Physicist Isaac Newton, relates to the facts that, as Wikipedia confirms, Olivia Newton-John was born in Cambridge, England. Her parents were Brinley Newton-John and Irene Born (b. 25 May 1914). Irene was the eldest child of Max Born, a Lutheran German Nobel prize-winning physicist who had fled from Germany with his wife in the 1930s in order to avoid persecution due to his and his wife’s part Jewish heritage. Olivia’s father was an MI5 officer attached to the Enigma machine project at Bletchley Park, and the officer who took Rudolf Hess into custody when he parachuted into Scotland in May 1941.

    So I’m entitled to axiomatic reasoning, and belief in Dickensian coincidences.

  65. Until now, I thought it was “Cause never was the reason for leaving for the Tropic of Sir Galahad.”

    That doesn’t make much more sense than the real lyrics, but at least “leaving for the Tropic of Sir Galahad” seems like it could be explained. Maybe. Possibly. In a “Pompatus of Love” kind of way.

  66. Re #91: thanks, Kaji.

    In this whorl in which we’re livid.

    ‘Scuse me while I kiss (the sky)/(this guy).

    I guess Sir Paul gets to remain the richest musician in history, notwithstanding the Liverpudlian accent confusing me. Because of that band before Wings. Although Michael Jackson bought the Lennon-McCartney soundbook. Really, if I were writing the novel, I’d have Sir Paul marry J. K. Rowling, so their kids would have catchy melody and good fantasy lyrics. Assuming those breed true. And maybe have Yoko marry Michael Jackson, or at least have his baby. The baby would grow up to dance well and and manage a large fortune. Maybe play golf with Tiger Woods and O.J. Simpson. Sorry, I’m rambling here. Soft Rock leads to mushy brains.

  67. So, re: #88, #90:

    “Until now, I thought it was “Cause never was the reason for leaving for the Tropic of Sir Galahad.”

    That doesn’t make much more sense than the real lyrics, but at least ‘leaving for the Tropic of Sir Galahad’ seems like it could be explained. Maybe. Possibly.”

    So, I’m supposed to infer this dialogue:
    “Say, Queen, Guinevere, why are you sneaking out the castle wearing nothing but a bikini and a pith helmet?”
    “Oh, heh heh. Arthur my King, the Husband, I’m just leaving for the evening to… to the tropics. Yeah, the tropics, that’s the ticket.”

    “Why?”

    “’cause.”

    “No way, babe. And ’cause never was the reason for the evening, or the tropic of Sir Galahad.”

  68. Somewhere on the interstate south of Pittsburgh are pieces of the first “Styx” 8-track. I put an m-80 under it after my bro played for the 15th time straight and watched the ribbon of tape unwind as the reel hickey went to 8-track heaven…

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