Here are mine:
1. I don’t believe that Jose Feliciano really wants to wish me a merry Christmas.
2. If you dashed through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, laughing all the way, you’d probably end up with a frozen windpipe.
3. If you asked the other reindeer, they’d tell you they didn’t let Rudolph in their games because they suspected steroids. Because, come on. A red glowy nose just ain’t natural.
4. If a kid started playing a drum near a newborn, the likely result would not be a smiling infant (or mother).
5. If the Grinch’s heart really grew three sizes in one day, the Whos down in Whoville would likely find his frozen body in the spring, the victim of sudden and fatal cardiomegaly.
These are my Christmas suspicions. What are yours?
(also: Merry Christmas. From the bottom of my heart.)