Jan 07 2008

Previously:
Ahead:

OMG! Spoilers!

Published by John Scalzi at 11:22 am

Don’t look below if you don’t want to see the ending of Zoe’s Tale! Stop now! Avert your eyes!

Really, I hope it doesn’t ruin the rest of the book for you.

77 responses so far

77 Responses to “OMG! Spoilers!”

  1. # tceiseleon 07 Jan 2008 at 11:28 am

    Does that really count as “Writing yourself out of that corner you painted your plot into”? It seems to easy. Although, maybe more books should end like that.

  2. # Chang who is Chang but is Not not changon 07 Jan 2008 at 11:30 am

    D’oh!

    It’s the most original ending ever. And yet so complex. Leave so many unsanswered questions…

  3. # Kellyon 07 Jan 2008 at 11:30 am

    Curses! Now I know it has 25 chapters! No reason to read it now.

  4. # Jacobon 07 Jan 2008 at 11:33 am

    I think I’m depressed now….. all the proud feelings of not allowing “The Final Countdown” to be number one in America just left as complete depression over Zoe’s death set in….

  5. # Skipon 07 Jan 2008 at 11:36 am

    Nah, nothing could be depressing on such a fine winter day today. High should be in the mid-70s again, as it has been over the weekend.

  6. # Jeff Hentoszon 07 Jan 2008 at 11:36 am

    Pssh. That was completely telegraphed when Zoe and her friend were complaining about teenaged boys. Try again.

  7. # Amandaon 07 Jan 2008 at 11:37 am

    Oh noes! Stupid spoilers! I couldn’t NOT read it, really. I gotta read the spoilers!

  8. # Kelseyon 07 Jan 2008 at 11:42 am

    *Scalzi = Genius

    (*Athena)

  9. # JWDon 07 Jan 2008 at 12:04 pm

    Can you write a similar ending for the ‘08 presidential race? Maybe a bus wreck or national TV outage or something?

  10. # Joe Sherryon 07 Jan 2008 at 12:09 pm

    Lies and the lying liars who tell them!

    Coming at the end of one of your books, John, I think that would be a great ending. Somehow I could see it all fitting.

    On second thought, it would fit better for The High Castle than an OMW novel. Just think, you could re-use the ending for various books (say, the Rough Guide to the Universe, Second Edition)

  11. # Danon 07 Jan 2008 at 12:15 pm

    Damn! And here I was expecting a song and dance number at the end.

    What kind of author does this to people? You just go out of your way to blow things up, don’t you? You’re drunk with power, Scalzi! Utterly besotted, I tell you!

    I can see the reviews now: “Scalzi is rarely happy with the common elements of day-to-day life. Therefore, in his madness, he makes the common elements of day-to-day life lethally explosive. What other authors do with really big, freakin’ planet-shattering bombs, Scalzi does with a rigged toothbrush.”

    Sorry… I seem to have rambled off there.

  12. # Matt Won 07 Jan 2008 at 12:21 pm

    Wow, sucks for those people that died horribly. Wait…does this somehow become some kind of cross cultural tie in and Zoe is the last surviving member of that planet and is sent off to another planet that has a sun of a different color and then she discovers that due to this new illumination she has super powers and becomes the leader of the CU and…I really don’t know where I was going with this.

  13. # ebearon 07 Jan 2008 at 12:22 pm

    I personally like, “And then they were eated by bears.”

    But you know, I work on a smaller scale than you do.

  14. # Ann Vallieron 07 Jan 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Whee!! Now that’s my kind of ending. Can’t wait to read the rest.

  15. # dave mungeron 07 Jan 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Frankly I find that to be a rather unoriginal ending. It’s basically Hamlet.

  16. # Doton 07 Jan 2008 at 12:33 pm

    Admit it, this is actually the beginning chapter of your new yet-to-be-named novel.

  17. # JHon 07 Jan 2008 at 12:35 pm

    “Zoe’s Tale” is a ripoff of “Mostly Harmless”: CONFIRMED.

  18. # Christianon 07 Jan 2008 at 12:40 pm

    Slowly, Trixi removed her bra – and her voluptuous breasts sprang free. And then the planet blew up and everyone died horribly. The End!

    [There, fixed it for ya].

  19. # Danon 07 Jan 2008 at 12:44 pm

    “And then the planet blew up and everyone died horribly.

    Passers-by we amazed at the amount of blood.

    The end.”

  20. # Danon 07 Jan 2008 at 12:45 pm

    Ooops… were amazed…

    Damn brain!

  21. # Patrick M.on 07 Jan 2008 at 12:59 pm

    Not to nitpick, but I think “The End” should go on its own line. I expect PNH will correct that..

  22. # T.M. Wagneron 07 Jan 2008 at 1:11 pm

    Okay, John, I hereby challenge you to write a novel with that passage as the opener.

  23. # John Scalzion 07 Jan 2008 at 1:14 pm

    Does it have to be a good novel?

  24. # Bobon 07 Jan 2008 at 1:19 pm

    Yes, but WHICH planet exploded? Did they deserve it?

  25. # Anne C.on 07 Jan 2008 at 1:20 pm

    Whew! That relieves us from having to buy the sequel. I just read Jack Campbell’s third book in The Lost Fleet series and though I love the writing, love the space battles, it’s going to a fourth book, darn it.

  26. # TransDutchon 07 Jan 2008 at 1:26 pm

    I suspect we have to read chapters 1-24 in order to find out which planet exploded, and whether or not the planet deserved explosion, as well as whether or not the beings that resided on the planet deserved horrible deaths. If chapters 1-24 are as brief as chapter 25, it could make for a cool bedtime story for kids.

  27. # Rembranton 07 Jan 2008 at 2:14 pm

    Then Zoe wakes up.

  28. # Scotton 07 Jan 2008 at 2:14 pm

    So, John has moved on from emulating Heinlein to emulating Vonnegut.

  29. # BlackHarton 07 Jan 2008 at 2:18 pm

    #25 Anne C..
    R.E. Jack Campell’s books (per amazon..) says 6 books in Lost Fleet….

    JohnS..So that would be a book “That in the ending the World was without form and exploding gas….” :-)

  30. # Anne C.on 07 Jan 2008 at 2:32 pm

    Oh, hadn’t seen that. Thanks, BlackHart!

  31. # Erikon 07 Jan 2008 at 2:37 pm

    I can’t decide whether I like this less-is-more type ending.

  32. # Elon 07 Jan 2008 at 2:45 pm

    Um… Does this mean congratulations are in order for FINISHING???

    If so, Conga Rats!!!

    If not, delay implementation of this comment until appropriate.

  33. # hugh57on 07 Jan 2008 at 3:03 pm

    How did you manage to finish this book without any Weird-Ass Photoshoppery™?

  34. # Steve Buchheiton 07 Jan 2008 at 3:20 pm

    See, usually I just have the dinosaurs eat everybody. But that’s why you’re the guy They (and you know who They are) are trying to Shanghai you into writing something good for SciFi, and I’m just collecting nice rejection letters.

    However, let me offer this critique.

    Douglas Adams did it better. Try again. This isn’t your story.

  35. # Steve Buchheiton 07 Jan 2008 at 3:23 pm

    damn fingers, that should have been,

    “Douglas Adams did it better, it was the start of his story. Try it again. This isn’t your story.”

  36. # Patrick M.on 07 Jan 2008 at 3:52 pm

    “Does it have to be a good novel?”

    That just begs the response – Has that ever been a requirement before? or – Why start now?

    Both said in jest and good fun.

  37. # Patrick M.on 07 Jan 2008 at 3:53 pm

    “Douglas Adams did it better, it was the start of his story. Try it again. This isn’t your story.”

    Steve – It’s a tie-in. Zoe’s Tale is a prequel.

  38. # Steve Buchheiton 07 Jan 2008 at 3:56 pm

    Patrick M. ahhh, Consu=Vogons. Now I’ve got it. Thanks.

    But where’s Zoe’s towel?

  39. # crashmstron 07 Jan 2008 at 4:04 pm

    If you were going to steal an ending from Douglas Adams, I’d pick something other than Mostly Harmless.

  40. # Jason Sanfordon 07 Jan 2008 at 4:04 pm

    Douglas Adams not only started his story with the earth exploding, he also ended the fifth and final book of the Hitchhikers Trilogy with the earth yet again exploding. Just goes to show how much mileage authors can get out of exploding planets!

  41. # Jeremiah Gon 07 Jan 2008 at 4:05 pm

    nonono. The end of the book should have a speaker attached, and when the last page is turned, the speaker starts playing “final countdown” (just like those annoying, i mean awesome, christmas cards)

  42. # Brett Lon 07 Jan 2008 at 4:15 pm

    I assume Chapter 24 ends with Zoe’s escape, yes?

  43. # Jon Bakeron 07 Jan 2008 at 4:20 pm

    Ah, another alumnus of the Famous Writers’ School uses his lessons well!

  44. # Siller Jon 07 Jan 2008 at 4:22 pm

    What’s funny is that I don’t put it above you to do this. I mean, I imagine it’d have a complicated lead-up, and even the horrible destruction wouldn’t be so abrupt, but, I can see you just killing off everyone.

  45. # Johnny Carrutherson 07 Jan 2008 at 4:29 pm

    I would probably turn to the last page when I pick up the book, so this wouldn’t be any big surprise.

  46. # Bobon 07 Jan 2008 at 4:30 pm

    Excellent action-packed ending! It’s a close second to Michael O’Donoghue’s all-purpose closer, “And then everyone got run over by a truck.”

  47. # JD Blackwellon 07 Jan 2008 at 4:52 pm

    … yea… but (and how many will get this reference?) what do the astronauts do between then and meeting the All-Knowing Alien Life Force disguised as an old white guy? Hmmmm?

  48. # Nathan who is Nathanon 07 Jan 2008 at 5:43 pm

    Rembrant @ 27

    Shouldn’t that be “Then Zoe wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette”?

  49. # Jim Wright who is feeling just a little bloodthristy todayon 07 Jan 2008 at 5:46 pm

    I like it.

    Of course, I like anything that ends with explosions!

    Of course, if Chapter 26 begins with

    “Ben! What’s wrong?”
    “I don’t know, I felt a great disturbance in the Force, it was as if an entire world cried out, and was suddenly silenced…” I’m going to be very disappointed. Just saying.

  50. # Jason Mayoon 07 Jan 2008 at 5:48 pm

    I can’t help wondering if this is the shocking conclusion to a book-length fart joke! I know we’re talking about two separate Scalziverses here, but that’s where the “shocking” comes into play. We’d never see it coming!

  51. # Mikeon 07 Jan 2008 at 5:49 pm

    Hmmm, writer’s block? Zoe stale?

    Which reminds me that when I saw the name of Dan Brown’s upcoming book, I immediately thought “The Solo Monkey”, an acknowledgement that he needs another 999 monkeys before he stands a chance of producing a readable line of prose.

  52. # Jpon 07 Jan 2008 at 6:44 pm

    Through the power of advanced computational reverse literary reconstruction, I can exclusively reveal the opening of Chapter 1:

    It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single heroine in residence on a good planet, must be in want of an explosion.

    However little known the feelings or views of such a woman may be on her first landing on a planet, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding aliens, that she is considered as the rightful target of some one or other of their warlords.

    ‘My dear Genghis Bennet,’ said his broodmare to him one day, ‘have you heard that Netherworld III is colonised at last?’

    Genghis Bennet made no answer….

  53. # John Scalzion 07 Jan 2008 at 6:56 pm

    There is a character named “Bennett” in the book, interestingly enough.

  54. # Jpon 07 Jan 2008 at 6:59 pm

    What about Darcy?

  55. # Sarahon 07 Jan 2008 at 7:02 pm

    Sorry, JP — you have it wrong. You forgot the romantic angle. It is:

    It is a truth universally aknowledged that a young man in possession of a good planet must be in want of a wife. It is also a truth, less universally aknowledged, that in general he would much prefer a good explosion. (Er.. of a sort or another.)

    However little known the feelings or views of such a man on his first landing on a planet, this truth is so wel fixed in the minds of the surrounding life forms, that he is considered the rightful property of one or another of their genetic lines.

    “My dear Mr. Bennet,” said his wife to him one day, “Have you heard that Netherworld is colonized at last? We should marry the young man to one of our daughters before he finds out about the fissionable material easilly available on the surface. Indeed, it would be most vexing to lose new genes to an explosion, before we have secured them for our family.”

  56. # John Scalzion 07 Jan 2008 at 7:02 pm

    Jp:

    What? Must I reveal everything?

  57. # Jpon 07 Jan 2008 at 7:09 pm

    Well, presumably yes, eventually. Although having Chapter 26 in the published book read, “Something else happened, but I’m not telling and you can’t make me” might be quite fun.

  58. # Evan Goeron 07 Jan 2008 at 7:26 pm

    I’ve always wanted to write a Very Serious Literary Work that ended with exactly that chapter. After 350 pages, our protagonist, a tormented Creative Writing professor at a small college, is finally about to confront his long-suffering mistress…

    and then BAM! ASTEROID! The End.

  59. # Steve Buchheiton 07 Jan 2008 at 8:03 pm

    Sarah, so would that translate to:

    Single Alien Male, new to sector, seeks companion to share planet and have explosions?

  60. # Jerion 07 Jan 2008 at 8:30 pm

    Steve, explosions is an odd euphemism for it.

  61. # Nathanon 07 Jan 2008 at 9:43 pm

    Hey Steve,

    Remember that thing you said about going into Lurker Mode for a while?

    Ur Doing It Rwong! :-)

  62. # Omaha Lisaon 07 Jan 2008 at 9:51 pm

    You are evil and must be destroyed.

    Taunting us with this. Oops… forgot your tag line…. Taunting the tauntable.

  63. # Matt McIrvinon 07 Jan 2008 at 9:57 pm

    There were two survivors. And their names… WERE ADAM… AND EVE. And everyone in the book was really a lobster!

  64. # Matt McIrvinon 07 Jan 2008 at 9:58 pm

    A Communist lobster!

  65. # shsilveron 07 Jan 2008 at 10:18 pm

    This has nothing to do with the topic, and you’ve probably seen it:

    Bacon Flow Chart

  66. # B. Durbinon 07 Jan 2008 at 11:28 pm

    Jeri @ #60: BWAHAHA!!!

  67. # Beckyon 07 Jan 2008 at 11:57 pm

    Har dee har har. No wait…this really DID make me laugh. Damn you John. Just when I got finished telling a friend how hard it is to get a laugh out of me.

  68. # Erikon 08 Jan 2008 at 12:37 am

    Hey John you forgot to write in the part where Obi-Won Kenobi is inside the Millennium Falcon and has to sit down because of the thousands of voices screaming out all at once.

  69. # Erikon 08 Jan 2008 at 12:43 am

    Dang, I just read through everyones comments and someone already said that. Snarf.

  70. # Karenon 08 Jan 2008 at 2:35 am

    At Clarion ‘77 one of the catch phrases was, “And then everyone got run over by a truck.”

    Must have been an awfully big truck to blow up the planet!

  71. # Steve Buchheiton 08 Jan 2008 at 7:41 am

    Nathan, yeah. It’s the jokes, they will out, you know.

  72. # mensleyon 08 Jan 2008 at 9:46 am

    Karen @ 77 said:
    >>
    At Clarion ‘77 one of the catch phrases was, “And then everyone got run over by a truck.”

    Must have been an awfully big truck to blow up the planet!
    >>

    Or one moving very, very quickly.

    I can just see the truck commercials now… with typical cheesy computer graphics and uber-masculine narration: [image of space-suited dirty construction workers getting into a truck] “When these guys need to move a planet, they can’t wait all day. The new Dodge Hyper9000 with Anti-matter Hemi(tm) Goes from zero to point nine lightspeed faster than the Toyota Megaquad! Even more planet-busting power than Ford or Chevy!”

  73. # Tomon 08 Jan 2008 at 10:35 am

    Thanks for saving me $25. Now I do not have to buy the book. I already know the ending so no need to read the middle.

  74. # Rhiannon_son 08 Jan 2008 at 6:57 pm

    The Neon Genesis Evangelion ending then.

  75. # M. Storyon 08 Jan 2008 at 10:58 pm

    Bennett: Whoa, that was one freaky dream.

    Zoey: Did it end with everyone blowing up?

    Bennett: Yes.

    Zoey: Wow I think I have the same dream!

    Dun dun dun!!!

  76. # B.W. McAdamson 11 Jan 2008 at 12:07 am

    One hopes you didn’t use the tack of writing the last chapter first and working backwards from there…

  77. # Jimboton 16 Jan 2008 at 4:16 pm

    Shouldn’t that be “Then Zoe wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette”?

    Nah, it should be Zoe wakes up and sees Aquaman in the shower.

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