Yes, I’ve Seen the NEW Canned Bacon

Not the bacon that was canned a terrifying 20 years ago and has since waited, a stealth botulism bomb, for an unwary consumer, but all-new tinned nitrated pork belly:

That said, I think I still fear it. Please, none of you send it to me, and trust me, this isn’t one of those reverse-psychology, “no don’t throw me into the briar patch” sorts of thing. Really, I think I would run screaming.

Hat tip to Cary Camden for bringing it to my attention.

47 thoughts on “Yes, I’ve Seen the NEW Canned Bacon

  1. That’s scary. I can imagine it being a must-use ingredient at some cooking competition, where it will eliminate the weak pretty darned fast.

  2. OMG!

    It’s now official: I have seen everything.

    Nothing left to do but pluck out my eyes, Oedipus-like, and roam the country bearing bad luck.

    Woe! Woe!

  3. Heh…the brand is called “Yoders”.

    Maybe your subconscious was chiming in when you came up with the name of the Mennonite guy in “The Last Colony”, eh?

    Admit it now…you have a pantry full of that stuff.

  4. “Then we carefully drain all of the fat and liquid off and can it fresh so it will taste as good out of the can as it would right out of the refrigerator.” [Emphasis mine.]

    Yuck. Leftover bacon right out of the refrigerator tastes like ass.

  5. “trust me, this isn’t one of those reverse-psychology, “no don’t throw me into the briar patch” sorts of thing””

    Reverse-reverse psychology? You are a tricky devil. If you really want it, why not just ask?

  6. “Really, I think I would run screaming.”

    …okay, somebody get a camcorder and deliver a can to him in person?

  7. I never thought I could turn down bacon, but if someone approached me with this I’m pretty sure I’d say “no thanks”.

    Thanks for the nightmare :)

    Also, WTF is with the camouflage print on the label?

  8. Also, WTF is with the camouflage print on the label?

    It’s from the MRE Depot. MRE=Meals Ready to Eat (used by our armed forces) *shudders*

  9. Gotta’ love the home page of the site you linked to:

    Want to prepare or provide disaster supplies for emergencies such as hurricanes, tornados[sic], earthquakes and pandemic flu’s[sic]…?

    Are you an Outdoor Enthusiast?

    Welcome to Your 24 Hour Survival and Disaster Superstore!

    Just be sure to put it all on your credit card — that way if Armageddon comes tomorrow you won’t have to pay it back!

  10. Marko:
    Heh…the brand is called “Yoders”.

    Maybe your subconscious was chiming in when you came up with the name of the Mennonite guy in “The Last Colony”, eh?

    Not only that, but it is canned in Ohio, consistent with a Mennonite company and the logo is a horse-drawn buggy. Who knew that Anabaptists would be on the cutting edge of culinary technology (though if the church is wise, this abomination should probably be grounds for shunning)

    Kerry:
    It’s from the MRE Depot. MRE=Meals Ready to Eat (used by our armed forces) *shudders*

    Wait a minute. So, you mean that it is being marketed to the U.S. military using imagery from a well known pacifist subculture? The cognitive dissonance, she hurts.

  11. MREs are okay (some of them anyway).

    I have used pre-cooked bacon quite a bit and it tastes pretty good. Not so sure how good it would taste coming out of a can though…

  12. Leftover bacon? What is this “leftover bacon”? The concept is not familiar to me.

    Great Scalzi, can we send a can to your cats, if not to you? If nothing else, you could tape a picture of a cat to the can and become very famous for one day again.

  13. Nick @ 11: Wait a minute. So, you mean that it is being marketed to the U.S. military using imagery from a well known pacifist subculture? The cognitive dissonance, she hurts.

    No, it’s being marketed to paramilitary survivalists… using imagery from a well-known pacifist subculture.

  14. Oh, jeez. I would think something like that might qualify as bio-terrorism, wouldn’t it? Or is it just an offense to nature?

  15. The only bacon my sweetie’s 87 year old dad will eat is pre-cooked. It comes unrefrigerated. (really!) It’s loaded with perservatives beyond the salt in regular bacon. He gets it at Krogers from a shelf right next to the refrigerated, raw bacon.

    It’s kinda scary, but he *is* 87…

    11. Nick – canning and preserving is an ancient technology so it isn’t surprising that Mennonites would do this (to sell to the English). Canning history: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canning

  16. BeVibe,

    I was being sort of facetious about the cutting edge part. It’s the grotesquerie of the concept of canned bacon that’s cutting edge, not the cans themselves. I’m a member of a Mennonite church, and my wife’s family are “ethnic” mennonites. I’ll ask around, but I’m guessing that none of them would eat canned bacon. If the company is really Mennonite, rather than just Mennonite/Amish ‘branded’, then I suspect you are correct that this is a product for selling to the (deranged) ‘English.’

  17. Once its unrolled, it looks pretty much like the Oscar Myer microwaveable bacon looks. A poor substitute for the real deal, mind you. But servicable enough when you need a quick turkey bacon club or breakfast sammy.

    That being said, I gotta think it retains a slight metallic taste from the can.

  18. It’s not like that bra… its just scented to smell like that bra.

    3 years from now, food smelling cloths will be the height of fashion. Just think of the possibilities: Shirts that smell like strawberries, hats that smell like lemons, carrot flavored pants, snozzberries smell like snozzberries (wait wrong speech). But just think how fresh the world would smell.

  19. And think of all the critters wanting to chomp on your ass because it smells like beef jerky…

  20. #26 — I think you’ve just found the way to make people with food allergies agoraphobic. Looking up how to spell agoraphobic, I found http://phobialist.com/. I feel much better about myself, now.

  21. I’ve had some very tasty canned Danish bacon. As a matter of fact there used to be some excellent canned Scandinavian bacon out there. I think the relentless mocking killed the market, which is a shame, since it was much better than Vienna Sausages or potted meat food product.

  22. I thought canned haggis was bad, but canned bacon may top even canned haggis.

    If you want to get creative (and also disturbing) with your bacon, check out the latest issue of The Anticraft which includes, among other things, a ‘recipe’ to make a tiara out of bacon (Surely Athena needs one), build Stonehenge, or even knit your very own cute little stuffed bacon.

  23. GVDub,

    the words “tasty” and “canned” don’t look right together. It’s like a violation of some natural law or something.

    Aaah, Vienna Sausages. Does the container still say “CAUTION: NOT A FOOD”?

  24. Went to the page. After doing a bit of math I determined the stuff is priced at about $9.16 a can. For 40 to 50 strips of bacon. Yep, it’s aimed at the “too much money at the end of the brains” crowd.

  25. I know this makes me that guy who has to ask if a joke was actually a joke, but I’ve just gotta know for sure… was the pun in #21 intentional, John?

  26. At risk of being banned hereabouts, I must ask the following:

    Alright, dammit, what exactly is the taste of ass?

     

    Offline replies (other than “just like canned bacon”) to chawley$NOSALE$650@sbcglobal.$NOSALE$net . (Start over a la Kip Russell dream sequence if cashier enters dollar NO SALE dollar).

    ____
    Does it taste anything like a well-masticated figure of speech?

    [\,] Destroy intartubes rep forevar: done that.

  27. At risk of being banned hereabouts, I must ask the following:

    Alright, dammit, what exactly is the taste of ass?

     

    Offline replies (other than “just like canned bacon”) to chawley$NOSALE$650@sbcglobal.$NOSALE$net . (Start over a la Kip Russell dream sequence if cashier enters dollar NO SALE dollar).

    ____
    Does it taste anything like a well-masticated figure of speech?

    [\,] Destroy intartubes rep forevar: done that.

  28. Oh, man, I loved canned bacon (and all other kinds). But the problem with this new product is that it’s pre-cooked, so you don’t get all that lovely bacon fat.

    Yum, yum! We used to fry up a couple of pounds of bacon, then fry eggs in the grease. Delicious! And so slippery that they slid down very easily. You kids don’t know what you’ve missed.

    And anything that good-tasting, MUST be healthy, don’t you think? Darn! Now I’m hungry! I think I’ll fix a bacon and mayo sandwich.

  29. But what about the cool camouflaged exterior? Does that not appeal to you? Imagine, it’s like a little green can to go with the big green soldiers in your books. :)

  30. Heh. Given they’re claiming that about 3 pounds of raw bacon go into each can, the price isn’t that bad for precooked meat. But yeah, precooked bacon just isn’t the same.

    I just bought a pound of bacon last week, and have been clumsily trying to make bacon gravy from the drippings. One more chance with this batch (I’ve been cooking a quarter-pound at a time), and I’ve been getting closer….

  31. are you people crazy? where on the earth do you live? :) just try this food before you start bitching. or are you so poor that you can not afford it? stop whining.

  32. Canned bacon? Finally, now I can carry this with my canned cat and my portable bacon cat is complete. It’s the life of parties.

  33. 43 years ago, on our honeymoon, we arrived in Jasper Nat’l Park in Canada to our little honeymoon cottage and went to get food to fix for breakfast. As there was no fridge in the cottage, I decided we’d get canned bacon. Most ghastly thing EVER. My first meal for my new husband was this horrid bacon, grey eggs (because the grease that came off the bacon was grey), and burned toast, because the toaster didn’t work. Fortunately, he already knew I could cook. It stands today, 43 years later, as the singlemost disgusting meal I have ever prepared.

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