Whatever X, Day XXIV

One of the true classics of the Whatever, because it includes not only pictures, but a recipe!

SEPTEMBER 26, 2006: How to Make a Schadenfreude Pie

My word, what is this dark and vaguely sinister-looking pie you see before you? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s the world’s first Schadenfreude Pie, the pie to enjoy while you are reveling in the horrible misfortunes of others. Why is there a Schadenfreude Pie? Because after I wrote the headline for this entry, I wondered to myself, “what would Schadenfreude Pie taste like?”

My guess: Dark. Rich. And oh so bittersweet.

And you know what? That’s exactly what it tastes like. Also — and this is really just a perfect but unintentional extension of the whole schadenfreude metaphor — you really only want a small slice; too much of this pie and it’ll sit in the pit of your stomach like a rock of judgment, pulling you down. Small slice? Excellent. Big slice? You’ll regret it. Just like schadenfreude itself.

Want a slice? Sure you do. Here’s how you make it.

Let’s face it, schadenfreude is a dark emotion. It deserves a dark pie. Here are your ingredients.

1 cup dark brown sugar
1 cup dark corn syrup
1/2 cup molasses
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips or chunks
3 large eggs (I used brown eggs in keeping with the spirit of things, but white eggs are fine)
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 splash Kahlua or other coffee liqueur
1 graham cracker pie crust (9 or 10 inches). Choose regular or chocolate graham cracker crust according to taste.

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees (Fahrenheit). Melt butter in largish mixing bowl; add in corn syrup, molasses, brown sugar and cinnamon. Mix well. Melt chocolate; fold into existing mixture. Add eggs and Kahlua; mix vigorously until mix has an even consistency. Pour into pie crust (depending on size of crust you may have a little filling mix left over).

Shove into oven, center of middle rack, and bake for about 45 minutes. At 45 minutes, poke pie with butter knife. If butter knife comes out clean, your pie is done; otherwise give it about another five minutes.

Once you take the pie out of the oven, let it set at least 20 minutes before you dig in. It’s really good when still warm, however.

Serving recommendations: small slices (this is an awesomely rich pie) and an ice cold glass of milk to go with it.

Got it? Groovy. And now, pictures of the production of the very first Schadenfreude Pie ever:

Athena mixes the pie filling ingredients while plotting the downfall of all those who oppose her.

Appearing as if the baleful eye of retribution, the pie awaits its cookination!

The darkest of all dark pies, fully cooked.

“From Hell’s heart I stab at thee, Schadenfredue Pie!”

The unspeakable malevolence of the pie, in single-serving size.

Sure, it’s a pie freighted down by the petty weaknesses of men, but how does it taste?

Excellent! And now, let us have a maniacal laugh of victory, if you please:

Joy at the misfortune of others — and pie! Truly, the best of all possible worlds.

40 thoughts on “Whatever X, Day XXIV

  1. An excellent day to repost this, as it turns out. Schadenfreude is exactly what I feel when I read that John McCain is suspending his campaign and asking for a postponement of the Friday 9/26 debate. (Even if one assumes that his presence in DC is indeed required to help sort out the economic mess, one must then also assume that he is unable to multitask – as one would expect any president to be able to do – and take 90 minutes to debate the economy on Friday.)

  2. John,

    My birthday is next week and I usually ask for pie instead of cake because in general I like it better and I’m not a slave to tradition. This happens to be the *BEST* pie I have ever seen and I’m going to make my own damn Schadenfreude pie for myself if no one else will.

  3. *checks ingredient list*

    I’ve got everything except chocolate chips (’cause I used them up last week in the chocolate zucchini cake)… I’d go buy some, but it’s just about the end of the month, and, well, money? what’s that? (side note: they’re increasing income limits for food stamps; next month I’ll be receiving them. Helluva thing to feel happy about, isn’t it? *wry*)

    Hmmm. Could chunk up some of that emergency stash of 72% dark Trader Joe’s chocolate, couldn’t I?

    Am visiting friends Friday evening; I think I’ll bring dessert.

  4. Mmmm… chocolate AND molasses. Is it acceptable to make my own crust as long as I revel in my thoughts of those doomed to inferior and tasteless commercial graham cracker crusts?

    I mean, really – how can you not want to make something that involves hitting graham crackers with a mallet and then pouring melted butter over the crumbs????

  5. The only way I can think of to make the pie any darker is to use an Oreo Cookie crust rather than a standard pie crust.

    Not sure if it would enhance the taste or not do anything, though.

  6. I’m not much of a sweet-tooth guy but this looks…

    Well, I guess good isn’t the word. But I want a slice. And when I look at the recipe for the filling my immediate instinct is to throw some nuts in there. Wouldn’t that mix be improved by something crunchy and salty and loaded with fat?

  7. That’s awesome, looks rich enough to make one’s head implode.

    What’s “10”? I see it all over the blue background…or are you suddenly pimping for the National Color Blind Association?

  8. How did I not notice, the first time around, the left-handedness of your wimminfolk? Your family just became that much cooler. I didn’t even think that was possible.

  9. keef @15: You did happen to notice the reason we’re getting all these new entries, didn’t you?

    Good catch, though — I totally missed them until you pointed them out.

  10. Interesting crust variations could include crushed ginger snaps or crushed peanut butter cookies. Could this recipe have gone by another name?

  11. Huh. I remember seeing this before, and probably sharing the link. I had no reason to make note of the name of the blog at the time, and it was some months later, I think, that I started reading here. And yet at some point in the past week or two I had the thought that that schadenfreude pie post I read somewhere a while back would fit right in here. It didn’t occur to me to check and see if this was in fact where it was posted originally, though, probably because for some reason I’d thought the pie post was written by a woman. Whether that was from the pictures or the person who first posted the link, I don’t know.

    Wondered if you were aware of this typo: “From Hell’s heart I stab at thee, Schadenfredue Pie!”

  12. A warning: the knife will never come out clean. If you use this as a measure of doneness, you will FAIL. It’s a yummy fail, but don’t overbake it.

  13. 27. moioici – you can never run out of pie – eat all you want – we’ll make more! (remember the phrase, easy as …)

    I have all those ingredients. I’m making pie tonight! (oh wait – we’re going to The Greene for our regular Thursday night $5 double-feature B-movies)

    I’m making pie TOMORROW! :)

  14. This is the post that made me get off my duff and slap the Whatever into my .rss feed. I really need to make one of these now. . . .

  15. The cake is a pie… er, lie…

    I so want to make this, but I don’t think my teeth would survive. Plus, a whole pie to myself is a bit much.

    Hrm… I wonder how well it freezes?

  16. This was a good one. (Post, and pie, although I’m taking your word on the latter, as I’m frightened to make one. I’m afraid all my bitterness would become manifest, and that might not taste good.)

  17. Awww, this was the very first Whatever I read, and I haven’t stopped, except when my computer went wackydoodle a couple three times.

    Thanks for sharing your wit, crankiness and wonderful fambly for ten years, John!

  18. Oh, I don’t know you, but I love you and your family for this.
    Schadenfreude pie. Consider me a new Whatever convert.

  19. I have now made this. It is good. I’d make it with a little more contrast to the sweet next time though. Maybe more chocolate.

  20. I made a pair of Schedenfreude pies last night and, unfortunately, burnt the crust on both. Even so, they’re delicious. The filling infused the burnt crust with sweet, chewy goodness. I think next time I’ll 1) use 8″ crusts instead of 9″, 2) add a little more I Can’t Believe It’s Not Kahlua, and 3) eschew the knife test (which is what led to the crust burning).

  21. Okay, made this last night for our post-election day party here at work. I made them in mini phyllo cups — yield 45 mini cups and 6 small individual pies (which I just made in greased custard cups because I didn’t have pie shells, which worked just fine). Shart checking the phyllo cups at about 20 minutes — they probably will be done by 30 minutes if not earlier. Excellent party finger food! And it’s very sweet to introduce the word _schadenfreude_ where the concept was hitherto known but lacked a name. (Don’t use the knife test — look to see if it’s forming a bit of a crust on top, like molten lava.)

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