A Mildly Risque But Entirely Accurate Assessment of Things in the Scalzi Household

SCENE OPENS on SCALZI HOUSEHOLD. Husband JOHN sets down his eyeglasses. Wife KRISTINE picks them up and puts them on her face.

JOHN
They’re too small. Your head’s too big.

KRISTINE
You’re actually saying that you don’t have the biggest head in the family.

JOHN
Metaphorically, I do. But you’re taller and bigger than I am. Physically speaking, everything’s bigger on you. I have only one thing that’s bigger, because you don’t have one of them.

KRISTINE
You’re talking about your penis there.

JOHN
I am.

KRISTINE
Well, sweetheart. Your penis may indeed be bigger. But I have the bigger set of balls.

66 thoughts on “A Mildly Risque But Entirely Accurate Assessment of Things in the Scalzi Household

  1. Reminds me of the cartoon showing a little boy and a little girl talking. The boy drops his pants and tells the girl he has one of “these” and she doesn’t.

    The girl pulls up her skirt and tells the boy she may not have what he has, but what she has is better. With one of hers she can get as many of his as she wants.

  2. Krissy is taller than you?

    If this isn’t too personal, how tall are you and Krissy? And do you think that Athena will wind up being taller than you as well?

  3. Heh. That’s a familiar-sounding altercation ’round this household, and it’s at that point that little warning bells saying “You could win this, but it would go badly if you did” sound in my skull. Also, strobe-lights. Klaxons. Little versions of myself scampering around inside squonking air horns shouting “SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPDON’TSAYITMAAAARK!” at the tops of their metaphorical lungs.

    It’s a good day when I listen to those inner warnings.

  4. JReynolds:

    I’m a shade under 5’8′; Krissy is above 5’10”. I have no doubt at all that Athena will be taller than me, since at age nine she’s already taller and bigger than I was when I was in junior high.

  5. As a survivor of 23 years of married bliss (as my wife informs me) two pieces of truth have remained unchanging:

    1 If a man is all alone in the woods, without his wife to hear him, and he speaks–He is still wrong.

    2 As regards balls: It don’t matter if she lets you wear them–she still owns them.

  6. That’s a GREAT way to start my day….. thanks for the laugh Krissy!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  7. As a man I don’t think I could get through the day without my wife whispering in my ear “remember, thou art mortal.” My wife keeps my feet on the ground and my head out of my ass. She supported me last year when I spent 3 months in the hospital and it really showed me why I married her…even though sometimes I forget.

  8. That’s funny. It’s made more funny by the fact that my browser blocks the pictures but not the text. So I’ve been left sitting here wondering what could possibly be in the picture? I assume from the comments that it is the wonderful Krissy, but before reading them it was a little worrisome.

  9. Justine: It is Krissy giving Herr Scalzi a glare that seems to be saying “you really don’t want to go there since you know I can kick your ass”…

  10. I’ve been married fifteen years, come December, and I agree with post #17 in its entirety.

    With one addition…

    The only time my wife doesn’t want to be in control, is in the bedroom.

    That’s the one place she absolutely demands that I “take charge”, which tends to surprise people who know her.

    OK by me.

    And it makes sense, really. Running shit is, often, not any fun. It’s work. If she had to “run” that part of our lives, too, it would be a drag.

    And that’s a verbatim quote, BTW.

    =^)

  11. Thinking back to the posts where you quote Athena’s dark, precocious humor, I suddenly don’t have any trouble seeing where a lot of that comes from. :)

  12. I sometimes have nightmares of waking up with my wife gazing down on me with That Look. No, no weapon. She doesn’t need one.

  13. This is awesome. It’s also even better considering today’s my wedding anniversary (7 years married, 14 years together). With your permission, may I cobble this together as a card to give my husband over dinner tonight?

  14. Ya know, that picture makes it look you have 3 (THREE) refrigerators in the background.

    One for each member of the family?

    No wait – 1 refrigerator for the Humans, and 2 for Kodi.

    Am I right?

  15. John? UPS called. There was some pwnage that was supposed to be delivered to your house, but they got the address wrong – do you want me to have them redeliver or will you pick it up at the depot?

  16. I’m ever upper class high society
    God’s gift to ballroom notoriety
    I always fill my ballroom
    The event is never small
    The social pages say I’ve got
    The biggest balls of all

    I’ve got big balls
    I’ve got big balls
    And they’re such big balls
    Dirty big balls
    And he’s got big balls
    And she’s got big balls
    But Kristine’s got the biggest balls of them all

  17. It’s great that you bragged about the size of your penis on Whatever the same day dooce cites you as the paragon of blogger free expression. All the indignant mormon mommies are going to be thrilled!

  18. I’m a shade under 5’6 and my wife is about Krissy’s height. Not only is she way bigger than I am, but she’s also 7 months pregnant. Like the saying goes: “do not meddle in the affairs of the dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup”.

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