Daily Archives: October 31, 2008

Election List X: Some of The Horrible Things That Will Happen To You If You Don’t Vote

This is all true.

Election List X: Some of The Horrible Things That Will Happen To You If You Don’t Vote

1. Your penis will fall off. If you are a woman, you will grow a penis, which will then fall off.

2. Your peers will point and laugh at you more than they already do.

3. You will have to listen to smug voters say “if you didn’t vote, you can’t complain” for at least two years.

4. You will be consumed by pillbugs whilst you sleep. They will leave behind nothing but your penis, which as you’ll recall, has already fallen off.

5. You will smell of sour buttermilk until the next New Hampshire primary.

6. Uncontrolled flatulence.

7. Cars will swerve to hit you, even when you are inside your own home.

8. Your World of Warcraft party will turn on you and smite you mightily.

9. Impotence. And not just because your penis has fallen off.

10. Stairs will rise to trip you.

11. Boils. In Biblical plague amounts.

12. Static cling that no amount of Bounce sheets will ever cure.

13. Your cat will take a dump somewhere in the house that you will never find, and the smell will be carried through the air vents for months, all the while the cat will stare at you with that “you’re a real asshole” look they sometimes have. If you do not have a cat, one will be provided for you for the length of time required for it to crap in said undisclosed location.

14. Your credit card will be canceled and your creditors will send someone to repossess your penis. Which has fallen off.

15. Your favorite TV show will be canceled and every time you try to buy the last season on DVD, retailers will be out of stock.

16. Your children will disown you. If you have no children, you will be summarily adopted by a family, and when you attend Thanksgiving at their home, you will be told how disappointed they are in you. For six hours straight. After which they will disown you.

17. Your cabbies will henceforth always take the long route to any destination to which you travel.

18. Zombies, and you without a shotgun.

19. Everyone on your street will win the lottery. You will get a rock.

20. I swear to God, I will learn your address, come to your house, and when you open the door, I will totally kick you in the nads. Which will hurt even more because they’re the only reproductive organs you have left. Because your penis has fallen off.

I trust now you will be sufficiently motivated to vote.

The election lists are now completed. Thank you for your attention.

Election List IX: The Rationales Each Party Will Give If They Lose The Election

Because it’s important to have an excuse.


Election List IX: The Rationales Each Party Will Give If They Lose The Election

Republicans:

1. The black vote

2. Also, the youth vote

3. And the elderly

4. And the hispanics

5. And the gays and lesbians

6. And the women

7. And the early voters

8. Jesus, who did we have voting for us?

9. White dudes with Sarah Palin MILF fantasies? Really, that’s it?

10. Give me that gin. And that Ambien.

Democrats:

1. Racism.

2. Diebold.

3. Karl Rove. Somehow.

Libertarians

1. Dude, we’re Libertarians.

2. We never win.

3. We can’t win.

4. And frankly, if we did win, we’d probably all pee ourselves in terror.

5. And so would you.

6. Now, let’s smoke a bowl and watch some porn.

Election List VIII: Instances of “[Name] the [Occupation]” That Have Yet to Be Used By McCain or Palin

This goes out to all the plumbers named Joe out there. I love you, man.

Election List VIII: Instances of “[Name] the [Occupation]” That Have Yet to Be Used By McCain or Palin

1. Brad the Milkman

2. Sid the Deli Owner

3. Bryan the Surly Indie Music Store Clerk

4. Kim the Overnight Wal-Mart Stocker

5. Hakeem the Halal Butcher

6. Aloysius the Chicken Sexer

7. Carol the Humorless, Cavity-Probing TSA Agent

8. Klaus the Eurotrash A&R Man

9. Craig the Porn Reviewer

10. Markos the Blogger

11. Jim the Former Securities Trader, Now Best Buy Appliance Department Sales Trainee

12. Jesus the Lettuce-Picker

13. Ted the Secretly Gay Televangelist

14. Patrica the Humanities Degree Wielding Starbucks Barista

15. Steve the Attack Ad Coordinator

16. Phil the Philatelist

17. Tom the Torturer

18. Sarah the Self-Serving Rogue Campaigner

19. John the Wholly Disappointing Top of the Ticket

20. Barack the President

Election List VII: Bombshells the McCain Campaign Has Yet to Drop About Barack Obama

Once these get out, the electoral map will run red!

Election List VII: Bombshells the McCain Campaign Has Yet to Drop About Barack Obama

1. Obama actually 63% black, not 50/50 as previously reported

2. Has not only started measuring the White House drapes, but has already sent them out to be dry cleaned (“to get rid of that horrible Dubya stench”)

3. Not just a socialist, but a Fabian

4. Feeds kittens to alligators, and then those alligators to pit bulls, then the pit bulls to sharks

5. Born not in Hawaii but in The Land of the Lost

6. Grandfather actually a Sleestak

7. Is so poor he only owns one house

8. While high on poppers, had a threesome with Jeremiah Wright and Rashid Khalidi, while Bill Ayers recorded it on video. The LA Times has the tape but won’t release it

9. Totally told the McCain campaign that he doesn’t actually like any of the voters in Pennsylvania or Ohio or Florida or North Carolina or Colorado, and that he’s only being friendly to them for right now, but when the election’s over, it’ll be, like, yeah, don’t even know who you are, so get away from me, losers. And that’s just not nice

10. Found the change he needed in the campaign bus seat cushions, used it to buy cigarettes

Election List V: The Contents of the Democratic Poll-Watching Kit

For when the Democrats freak out as the polls inevitably tighten.

Election List V: The Contents of the Democratic Poll-Watching Kit

1. Mr. Snuggles, the cuddly Democrat plush bear

2. A dime bag of skunkweed

3. An iPod Nano preloaded with Coltrane, James Taylor and Will.i.am’s “Yes We Can” video; also, Peggle

4. John McCain and/or Sarah Palin stress reliever whose eyes pop comically as you squeeze it and shout “you lost Florida!”

5. A special, personalized “don’t panic” note from Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight

6. Tollhouse cookies like the kind the TV you watched during your latchkey kid days told you were like mom used to make

7. Ritalin

8. An autographed photo of Rachel Maddow

9. A game card for the play-at-home version of Congressional Takeover Bingo

10. Suicide Hotline number (in case McCain wins Pennsylvania)

Election List IV: The Things I Think About As I Stare At This Picture of Joe Biden

Because I guess I have to write something about him, too.

Election List IV: The Things I Think About As I Stare At This Picture of Joe Biden

1. It looks like doll hair.

2. Men shouldn’t botox.

3. I bet Hillary’s still really pissed.

4. I think I drove through Delaware once.

5. Yeah, I did. They have a toll road that’s, like, a mile long.

6. Seriously, a mile-long toll road? That totally sucks.

7. All my credit card companies are incorporated in Delaware.

8. No, wait, that’s South Dakota. Delaware is where all the really big companies incorporate.

9. Like how all those cruise ships are registered in Liberia. Which makes Delaware the Liberia of the US.

10. It still looks like doll hair.

Election List III: Things Sarah Palin Has Shot Or Would Shoot From a Helicopter

It’s quite a list.

Election List III: Things Sarah Palin Has Shot Or Would Shoot From a Helicopter

1. Wolves

2. Coyotes

3. Arctic foxes

4. Deer

5. Giraffes

6. Tortoises

7. Dolphins

8. Salmon

9. Katie Couric

10. That son of a bitch that divorced her sister

11. Kittens

12. Whoever made that Photoshopped picture of her in a bikini, holding a rifle

13. Owls

14. Baby seals

15. Tina Fey

16. Andrew Sullivan

17. Levi (note to self: Only wound)

18. Donkeys

19. Elephants

20. John McCain

Election List II: The Verified Miracles of St. Obama

Because he’s not just a presidential candidate!

Election List II: The Verified Miracles of St. Obama

1. Restored Joe Biden’s hairline

2. Not only heals the sick but springs for their co-pay

3. Loaves and fishes for every family making less than $200,000

4. Smells intensely and deliciously of butterscotch

5. Offers hope, and also, Amway

6. That mole on the side of his nose? Made of concentrated awesome

7. Every child he hugs on the campaign trail becomes 10% smarter

8. Made Hillary Clinton stump for him

9. Every time he shoots one into the hoop from downtown, an angel gets his wings

10. Is the front-runner for president while being a black man named Barack Obama

Election List I: People/Things I Would Vote For President Before I Would Vote For John McCain

You know, for the last two weeks I’ve been trying to write a long, cogent piece about who I’m voting for and why, but every time I try I am filled with inchoate rage and just want to kick a puppy or someone who voted for Nader in 2000. So instead I’m going to write a series of short, punchy election lists, which will probably be more amusing and will at the very least keep me from beating on something with a hammer.

And so, to begin:

Election List I: People/Things I Would Vote For President Before I Would Vote For John McCain


1. Barack Obama

2. Bob Barr

3. A large, flat, warm rock

4. Hermann von Googlefleugel, the garden gnome under which I keep my spare house key

5. Arnold Schwarzenegger

6. A kitchen sponge

7. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute

8. Chewed gum you find under a desk at the DMV while you take the written part of your driving test

9. Toast!

10. A teratoma that vaguely resembles a pony

11. An incontinent monkey or lemur

12. A large order of McDonald’s fries, lightly salted

13. The reanimated corpse of Millard Fillmore

14. A mat of algae

15. A black velvet painting of Wesley Crusher

16. H.R. Pufnstuf

17. A glazed donut

18. That guy on the A train who shouts loudly about his penis from 23rd to Cathedral Parkway

19. A Lite-Brite

20. Fucking Ralph fucking Nader, that goddamned fucking fuck