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Election List X: Some of The Horrible Things That Will Happen To You If You Don’t Vote

This is all true. Election List X: Some of The Horrible Things That Will Happen To You If You Don’t Vote 1. Your penis will fall off. If you are a woman, you will grow a penis, which… Read More

Election List IX: The Rationales Each Party Will Give If They Lose The Election

Because it’s important to have an excuse. Election List IX: The Rationales Each Party Will Give If They Lose The Election Republicans: 1. The black vote 2. Also, the youth vote 3. And the elderly 4. And the… Read More

Election List VIII: Instances of “[Name] the [Occupation]” That Have Yet to Be Used By McCain or Palin

This goes out to all the plumbers named Joe out there. I love you, man. Election List VIII: Instances of “[Name] the [Occupation]” That Have Yet to Be Used By McCain or Palin 1. Brad the Milkman 2…. Read More

Election List VII: Bombshells the McCain Campaign Has Yet to Drop About Barack Obama

Once these get out, the electoral map will run red! Election List VII: Bombshells the McCain Campaign Has Yet to Drop About Barack Obama 1. Obama actually 63% black, not 50/50 as previously reported 2. Has not only… Read More

Election List VI: The Contents of the Republican Poll-Watching Kit

It’s more compact than the Democrat one. Election List VI: The Contents of the Republican Poll-Watching Kit 1. A fifth of gin 2. Ambien 3. Sleep mask

Election List V: The Contents of the Democratic Poll-Watching Kit

For when the Democrats freak out as the polls inevitably tighten. Election List V: The Contents of the Democratic Poll-Watching Kit 1. Mr. Snuggles, the cuddly Democrat plush bear 2. A dime bag of skunkweed 3. An iPod… Read More

Election List IV: The Things I Think About As I Stare At This Picture of Joe Biden

Because I guess I have to write something about him, too. Election List IV: The Things I Think About As I Stare At This Picture of Joe Biden 1. It looks like doll hair. 2. Men shouldn’t botox…. Read More

Election List III: Things Sarah Palin Has Shot Or Would Shoot From a Helicopter

It’s quite a list. Election List III: Things Sarah Palin Has Shot Or Would Shoot From a Helicopter 1. Wolves 2. Coyotes 3. Arctic foxes 4. Deer 5. Giraffes 6. Tortoises 7. Dolphins 8. Salmon 9. Katie Couric… Read More

Election List II: The Verified Miracles of St. Obama

Because he’s not just a presidential candidate! Election List II: The Verified Miracles of St. Obama 1. Restored Joe Biden’s hairline 2. Not only heals the sick but springs for their co-pay 3. Loaves and fishes for every… Read More

Election List I: People/Things I Would Vote For President Before I Would Vote For John McCain

You know, for the last two weeks I’ve been trying to write a long, cogent piece about who I’m voting for and why, but every time I try I am filled with inchoate rage and just want to… Read More