Election List II: The Verified Miracles of St. Obama

Because he’s not just a presidential candidate!

Election List II: The Verified Miracles of St. Obama

1. Restored Joe Biden’s hairline

2. Not only heals the sick but springs for their co-pay

3. Loaves and fishes for every family making less than $200,000

4. Smells intensely and deliciously of butterscotch

5. Offers hope, and also, Amway

6. That mole on the side of his nose? Made of concentrated awesome

7. Every child he hugs on the campaign trail becomes 10% smarter

8. Made Hillary Clinton stump for him

9. Every time he shoots one into the hoop from downtown, an angel gets his wings

10. Is the front-runner for president while being a black man named Barack Obama

22 thoughts on “Election List II: The Verified Miracles of St. Obama

  1. I’ve heard it said that the touch of his hand can make an avid Howard Stern listener switch to NPR.

    He once turned a case of over-oaked California chardonnay into a lovely white Burgundy.

    Soy milk foams 50% faster at coffeeshops with an Obama “Hope” poster in the window.

  2. “Not only heals the sick but springs for their co-pay”

    Actually, no. To be truthful this would have to say, “Not only heals the sick but makes YOU spring for their copay.”

    Just sayin…

  3. You know, the side of my Subaru is all beat up because some assjack tried to merge without looking at a toll plaza. I put an Obama bumper sticker on my car two weeks ago, and damn if the dents aren’t gone! And the car has a fresh coat of wax!

  4. concentrated butterscotch awesomeness? no wonder he’s ahead in the polls.

    this is my favoritest list out of all your lists today. nice work.

  5. I put an Obama sign in my front yard, and the weeds died, the grass thrived, and a group of pixies sprung out of the ground and gave me a $20 gift certificate from Target.

  6. Since putting my Obama sign in the window of my Brooklyn home, I’ve only been told to fuck off an average of 6 times per day…a net decrease of 63%.

  7. Ever since I started wearing my Obama shirt, I’ve began giving off a pleasant floral fragrance… which is nice, since the shirt is starting to smell. I refuse to wash it until after the election, though.

  8. ELECTION LIST II: TJHE VERIFIED MIRACLESES ST. OBAMA

    1. RESTORED JOE BIDEN’S HAIRLINE

    2. NAWT ONYL HEALS TJE SICK BUT SPRINGS PHUR THERI CO-PAY

    3. LOAVESES ANBD PHISHESES PHOR ERRY PHAMBLY MAKIN LEZZ THAN $200,000

    4. SMELLS INTENSELY AND DELICIOUSLY OF BUTTERSCOTCH

    5. OFFERS HOEPS, AND ALZO, AMWAY

    6. THAT MOLE ON THE SYDE OF HIZ NOSE? MADE OF CONCENTRATED AWESOEM

    7. EVERY CHILD HE HUGS ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL BECOMESES 10% SMARTR

    8. MADE HILLARY CLINTON STUMP PHOR HIM

    9. EVERY TIME HE SHOOTS WUN INTO THE HOOP PHROM DOWNTOWN, AN ANGEL GETS HIS WINGS

    10. IS THE PHRONT-RUNNER PHOR PRESIDENT HWILE BEIN A BLACK MAN NAMED BARACK OBAMA

  9. Lolcat pidgin should never go on for more than about a sentence and a half, except when produced by experts. When amateurs try it, the results scour the cornea, burn the retina, and send the optical nerve utterly loopy. This is why it is unwise to read the comment threads at ICanHasCheezburger.

  10. Some of the points are easy to translate into LOLcatz:

    1. Joe Biden can has hair.
    4. He haz a flavr: Butterscotch
    6. Obama mole is TEH AWSOME!

    But most of them are about things that cats don’t care about. So of course they don’t sound right.

    Kthxbye.

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