Election List IX: The Rationales Each Party Will Give If They Lose The Election

Because it’s important to have an excuse.


Election List IX: The Rationales Each Party Will Give If They Lose The Election

Republicans:

1. The black vote

2. Also, the youth vote

3. And the elderly

4. And the hispanics

5. And the gays and lesbians

6. And the women

7. And the early voters

8. Jesus, who did we have voting for us?

9. White dudes with Sarah Palin MILF fantasies? Really, that’s it?

10. Give me that gin. And that Ambien.

Democrats:

1. Racism.

2. Diebold.

3. Karl Rove. Somehow.

Libertarians

1. Dude, we’re Libertarians.

2. We never win.

3. We can’t win.

4. And frankly, if we did win, we’d probably all pee ourselves in terror.

5. And so would you.

6. Now, let’s smoke a bowl and watch some porn.

31 thoughts on “Election List IX: The Rationales Each Party Will Give If They Lose The Election

  1. Wow — just got here this morning and we’re up to IX already. The dam has clearly broken. Or perhaps it’s the damn. Or the damned dam. Or the damned damned.

    I can never keep up with this. My guess is that XI through XIII will be PhotoShop election projects. (grin)

    Dr. Phil

  2. I’d just like to say this series is making my morning, but making my boss highly suspicious of my productivity.

  3. If Obama is not elected, look for racism to be items #1 through #500 on the “Democrat bitch list”, and look for there to be a great media outcry for a new “national dialogue on race” if America fails to annoint-EERrrrrr, elect, The One.

    If McCain is not elected, I’m pretty sure the #1 “bitch” among most Republicans will be, “Why did we fucking pick fucking John McCain?!!?!” When your base is more enthused about your Veep than your main guy, you have a serious problem.

    Seriously, the 4th can’t get her fast enough. We’ve been in a perpetual campaign cycle for the last 2 gottdamned years. Even the pundits are getting sick of it. Which is really saying something.

  4. Evilj, just claim you’re a Syndicalist holding his nose in order to vote for the lesser of two evils… then smoke a bowl and watch some porn.

  5. There’s one all-purpose excuse for any party:

    You know all the stuff that the most extreme, nuttiest people in our party are pushing? Well, we didn’t support their agenda strongly enough.

  6. Libertarians:

    1. Obama stolen votes from Barr
    2. McCain stolen votes from Barr
    3. ignorant voter phenomenon
    4. rigged ballot access mechanisms
    5. people are scared of a party that actually has principles
    6. Especially when those principles include things like “personal responsibility”
    7. Everybody wants something for free, Libertarians don’t do “pork” and entitlement programs
    8. Karl Rove
    9. White dudes with Sarah Palin MILF fantasies

  7. If an excuse for the Dems will be calls of “Racism!”, then it’s only fair that the excuse for the Republicans will be “Sexism!”. If it follows that if Obama isn’t elected, it’s due to the color of his skin and the people’s fear of it, then if McCain/Palin aren’t elected, then it MUST be due to her not having a Y chromosome.

    Obviously.

  8. I notice that the Republican list does not include “voter fraud.” Of course, it may turn out to be an actual reason, not an excuse.

  9. So might Diebold, but you’re kinda missing the point. Jesus, go smoke a bowl with the Libertarians, would you?

  10. From what I’ve seen, the Republicans are splitting into camps that add one of:

    11a: John McCain wasn’t forceful enough and didn’t let Palin be herself.
    11b: Sarah Palin torpedoed our chances.

  11. From what I hear on the news:

    Republicans:

    1. The country wasn’t afraid enough of Obama. Fools!
    2. Seriously, the apocalypse begins now.

    Democrats:

    1. All the fear, uncertainty, and doubt by the republicans.
    2. Plus I heard from someone that some guy didn’t get to vote when he should have. It was a conspiracy!

  12. You missed a democratic one that has actually been used: “Filty Republicans deliberately engineer long lines at polling places because none of them ever have a job to get back to.” The magical thing is that they manage to do this even where democrats have a large majority.

  13. anyone who thinks ACORN was working with the dems needs to learn how to read. isolated voter registration fraud does not equal voter fraud. its 2 completely different things. ACORN did not give the dems even 1 addl vote on election day. it is nothing more than a red herring raised by the GOP to incite their base and raise suspicion in the minds of those who pay little attention.

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