How You Know It’s Not Santa

Hey, kids! This time of year you see lots of portly men with beards and red suits claiming to be the one and only Santa Claus. But as we all know, only one of them can possibly be telling the truth. How can you tell the real one from all the fakes? The following list should help you spot the impostors. Print it out and keep it with you at all times!

You know he’s not Santa if:

• Instead of a booming “Ho Ho Ho,” his laugh is a high-pitched, asthmatic wheeze.

• When you ask him if he’s really Santa, he says “the script tells me to say ‘yes.'”

• His beard smells like your Uncle Dave’s glaucoma medicine.

• He says that the names of his reindeer are Randolph, Datsun, Ketchup, Grumpy, Sneezy and Johnnie Walker Red.

• He’s unamused when you note that usually, when an older gentleman starts putting random children on his lap, the police make him wear a tracking device.

• He explains he’s not really fat, he just has cirrhosis.

• He says that he doesn’t live at the North Pole anymore because that bitch Mrs. Claus got the house in the divorce settlement.

• He keeps tipping his cigarette ashes into the Salvation Army pot.

• His elves have prison tattoos.

• He asks if you’d like to try some of his Prancer jerky.

• His jingly red cap falls off, revealing a yarmulke.

• He asks for your address, the location of your tree, whether your dad has a gun, and then reminds you to leave a door unlocked on Christmas Eve, because he’s gotten too big to slide down chimneys.

• He tells your mom that if she comes back around after the mall closes, he’ll be happy to stuff her stocking.

• Santa’s suit is made of scarlet leather, it’s missing its butt, and he’s being led around on a leash by a shirtless elf.

• He describes the Baby Jesus as “the competition.”

• He says that the reason he can visit the homes of all the good kids in the world in one night is that most kids are in fact little goddamn brats.

• Santa’s beard is fake, and so is his leg.

• You see him in the parking lot and discover his “sleigh” is really a ’93 Toyota Corolla.

• He burps in your face and calls it a “jingle belch.”

• Instead of saying “Merry Christmas” he shouts “Happy Life Day” and then screams like a Wookiee.

39 thoughts on “How You Know It’s Not Santa

  1. Of course, the corollary is that you can tell someone is not Jewish when their yarmulke falls off and reveals a jingly red cap.

    Mmm, latkes fried in bacon fat.

  2. - Asks if you want to see his bumble bounce

    – Seems disappointed when you say you’ve been nice.

    – Only says, “Ho!”

  3. Fair enough on most of these but I must comment:

    1. I bought a kippah and wore it at work for a couple days. It’s a hat you are generally allowed to wear indoors. Actually, I think what I had would be called a kippot since it was leather and needed clips to keep it on securely. I’ve got a crocheted kippah coming from Israel this week though.

    2. Wearing one under another hat is a Kabbalah thing

    3. Is Santa not allowed to have an artificial leg?

  4. “But as we all know, only one of them can possibly be telling the truth”

    Well I see a fallacy in logic, why can’t they all be telling the truth?

    “He tells your mom that if she comes back around after the mall closes, he’ll be happy to stuff her stocking.”

    Everyman has his need’s, and Mrs. Claus may not be fulfilling his. It isn’t an excuse, but Santa is a human right?

    “He says that he doesn’t live at the North Pole anymore because that bitch Mrs. Claus got the house in the divorce settlement.”

    Divorces leave a bad taste in ones mouth, who’s to say Mrs. Claus didn’t catch on to his being over at every other woman’s house on Earth.

    “He describes the Baby Jesus as “the competition.””

    Well isn’t the little bastard Santa’s competition?

  5. tudza:

    “Actually, I think what I had would be called a kippot since it was leather and needed clips to keep it on securely.”

    no, “kippah” is singular, “kippot” is plural.

    “Wearing one under another hat is a Kabbalah thing”

    no, i’m pretty sure it’s a belt-&-suspenders thing, although i wouldn’t be surprised if someone had invented a kabbalah just-so story for it.

  6. Ah yes, it does seem that kippot is the plural of kippah.

    This is not where I originally ran across the kabbalah thing, but this part of the wikipedia entry seems to re-enforce my memory of what I read elsewhere ( that is, I am not claiming wikipedia as my only source, but I’m too lazy to search for two others ):

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kippah

    “Some Jews wear two head coverings, typically a kippah covered by a hat, for Kabbalistic reasons: the two coverings correspond to two levels of intellect, or two levels in the fear of God. The Kohen Gadol (High Priest) of the Temple in Jerusalem also used to wear a woolen kippah under his priestly headdress (Chulin 138a)[1].”

  7. How to know whether a Santa is real?

    Easy: lock him in a closet somewhere. A real Santa will get out before Boxing Day (26 Dec).

    If it’s not the real Santa, please remember to apologize when releasing him; bring some milk and cookies or something, esp. if this testing was initiated early in the month.

  8. “• Santa’s suit is made of scarlet leather, it’s missing its butt, and he’s being led around on a leash by a shirtless elf.”

    Which may explain why Mrs. Claus divorced him.

  9. masksoferis @# 10: But you have to open the closet to determine if he’s still in there or not. Hey, it’s Schroedinger’s Santa!

  10. Hehehe so many Santas, so hard to tell which ones are genuine!

    I remember my little sister asking me how there could be so many Santas and I gave her the Home Alone spiel (there’s only one Santa, but the rest of them all work for him).

  11. I remember crying once when I was about 6 because we saw Santa at two malls on the same day and I was so confused, I cried. I remember my mom being very sweet but I think now she was probably trying very hard not to laugh…….. haha. I think that was the year I learned about all of “Santa’s helpers” in the world.

    Great list!!

  12. Being Santa-like, I tend to avoid wearing red this time of year. If pushed too far, I’ve practiced the following:

    “[deep voice] Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas [shifting pitch higher, and rasping] Hellooo, little [boy|girl], [shifting pitch very low, loud and clear] Bwhahaha Ha hahaaa Wuhuhuh!” The final part is done with the tongue out, curling the tip.

    Self defense is everyone’s responsibility. Actually, with men or twentysomething women, it usually gets a laugh.

    Regards,
    Jack Tingle

  13. And as we all know, Santa no longer uses elves. He’s outsourced the toymaking to Vietnam where labor costs are a dollar a day.

    He blames Cathy Lee Gifford if anyone asks.

  14. I was in a restaurant on election night and when Obama won, the people there went crazy, up hugging each other, laughing, crying etc. It was a good place to be.

    As I was leaving, there was a white haired, whitebearded guy paying his bill;

    I slipped up to him and whispered “Thanks Santa”

    I am pretty sure he was the real one.

  15. He tells your mom that if she comes back around after the mall closes, he’ll be happy to stuff her stocking.

    I always get a laugh when I say that there’s nothing Santa can put in a woman’s stockings that is more interesting than what she has in them already.

  16. You know he’s not the Real Santa if:

    He’s riding down the street on a funky banana bike with really tall handlebars wearing nothing a beard and a Speedo two sizes too small.

    I have to stab my eyes out now. And dude, if you’re a Whatever reader and this sounds like you – PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy … put on some pants.

  17. He’s not Santa (Hogfather) if he’s a skeleton, has an elf named Albert who rolls his own, and makes his granddaughter Susan deal with the dirty work.

    Lord, I want Alzheimers medicine that works for Christmas. I’m going to miss Terry Pratchett.

  18. He’s obviously not the real Santa when he rides a tank to the mall, decorated with cardboard cutout reindeers, and then doesn’t understand a word you say when you address him in a language other than English.

    True story, happened to me when I was five. The language thing was a test, because I found a tank-driving Santa highly suspicious.

  19. Sheeshashwa. That photo is giving me shuddering flashbacks to the opening of City of Lost Children.

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