Shame On Me

While I was on my two week semi-hiatus, I got a phone call that went like this:

Me (picking up the phone): Hello.

Some random dude: You should be ashamed of yourself.

Me: Well, okay.

(Dude hangs up)

I thought this phone call was pretty rude, not because this fellow told me I should be ashamed — because, oh, I should be — but because this fellow didn’t specify, particularly, what I needed to be ashamed about. Which leaves me at loose ends, you know? There so many shameful things I do. It’s like a hobby. But I don’t want to be ashamed about the wrong thing; that’s just wasted effort. But it’s just so hard for me to choose. So I’m going to let you choose for me. Thus:

Let me know. I thank you in advance for your assistance, and will start being ashamed right away.

76 thoughts on “Shame On Me

  1. Ashley Tisdale? That would be shameful. Everyone knows that Vanessa Hudgens is the one to worship.

    (I once had a call from the Devil. He told me I was under his power and then he hung up on me. Or he hanged up on me … neither sounds right.)

  2. Wow, you really should be ashamed of yourself!

    And you should be ashamed twice as much if you don’t feel ashamed for what I think you should feel ashamed of!

    Ashamed, ashamed, ashamed.

  3. My goodness. So many choices, and we have to choose only one?

    You forgot to mention your William Hung CD collection.

  4. You forgot to mention your secret shame is that Night Ranger is, in fact, better than Journey.

  5. What do you want to be ashamed of? Opportunities can be arranged….well, for some of them anyway. Certain starlets are probably not available. :-)

  6. Given the large number of Republican neighbors you have, it’s quite likely one of them is a wingnut. What about all the nice things George Bush did? Hmm?

  7. Man… between Uwe Boll and Ashley Tisdale, I felt torn.

    Ultimately, I decided, at least Uwe Boll has blessed us with hilarious anecdotes and more than a few brilliant articles at SomethingAwful.com . Tisdale has given me nothing.

    Forshame, John, forshame!

  8. I like the dresses in a female transvestite’s clothing option… nice convoluted way of saying you dress in men’s clothing.

  9. huh? I am at a loss. What is there to be ashamed about?

    There must be a mistake. That’s your Proud list there boyo.

  10. Not proofreading your post. I think you meant “Does the choreography to “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” *in* front of the bathroom mirror, in an edible thong”, not *on* front of. ‘On front of’ would be a little difficult, unless you have Spidey-sticky-feet powers.

  11. To be frank, I am startled by this topic for I had always considered you shameless. On the other hand Dick Cheney said today that nobody saw the economic crisis coming and he had no reason to think that anyone at the CIA broke any law, so I guess standards aren’t what they used to be.

  12. If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. Whoo oh oh. *gyrates*

    Ahem.

  13. Does the choreography to “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” on front of the bathroom mirror, in an edible thong

    The doing it, not a problem. Telling us about it, thus necessitating I pour Clorox into my minds eye to remove the image, that you should be ashamed of.

  14. Ehh, that list. More there that’s just gross, not really shameful. I were you, I’d be ashamed of your obvious proclivity for odd bodily modifications. I mean, I’ve SEEN you. How you can walk about in public, and, well, look, I don’t know if anyone has ever worked up the nerve to tell you, but really, think about it next time you leave the house. Cover it up, for the sake of the children and the highly impressionable. Here I was thinking I could actually say it, and I am just burning with shame FOR you. Man, do us all a favor and stick to the writing. Just say no the next time you look in a mirror and get an idea to change something else. I’m all about freedom, and doing your own thing, but some day you’re going to run into the wrong person and there will be a sad reckoning that day. Think of us, your fans, people who love you in spite of what you do, we love you for the art, don’t go so far as to leave us prematurely. For god’s sake, you are fine the way you are!! Natural is beautiful, John, stay natural!

  15. So there’s a field for “Other (Leave in comments)” and then you find that the comments have been disabled.

    You have created a paradox that threatens to lead to the collapse of space/time into a single radical quantum particle. And that, my fine feathered friends, is something of which you should be properly ashamed!

    Or is this an example of doublethink? Were we always at war with East Asia? I don’t KNOW!

  16. Given where you live, it is shameful that you do not sport a fu manchu moustache…although you cats might think it looks like a critter of some kind, so perhaps this was a self-preservation decision.

  17. ⊗ Obsessively copies out Jonah Goldberg columns by hand in fruitless effort to discover just how he does it.

  18. O Dense Scalzi, isn’t it obvious? Perhaps not, given the ridiculous suggestions proffered above by the low-brow readers of the Whatever.

    Remove all choices from the foolish poll (as if you needed one) and replace it with:

    Failure to honor properly Her Most Glorious Shimmering Radiant Perfection, the Beauteous Ghlaghghee.

    THAT is what you have to be ashamed of. Luckily, you know what to do to redeem yourself.

    So hop to it. Now.

    The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club

  19. You should be ashamed that you haven’t told us that you are no longer the author of this blog, and you handed control over to the non-bi-pedal animal population of the Scalzi household.

    Of course, since they are handling it quite ably, and no one can tell the difference (except me!), you have no reason to tell us, do you?

    And further of course, since you are no longer the blogger, you CAN’T tell us, as you have ceded control.

  20. Those are some real choices for consideration of shame!
    If you are torn, why not just ‘look ashamed’. I will be easier for you and everyone will assume you look that way for their pick. Just saying…

  21. Shame? Scalzi lists reasons he might be ashamed, and not once mentions any of these:

    Owns and fetishizes cats.

    Secretly a young-earth creationist who is just using reverse psychology to shill for the glorious Creation Museum.

    Continues to have a soft spot for AOL after he was “let go,” in violation of all good American behavior toward former employers. (OK, having a soft spot for AOL is shameful enough; I guess I understand not admitting this one.)

    Offered to bear Steve Perry’s love child. In front of both Princess Athena and Her Majesty. And wouldn’t take “no” for an answer until pummelled by Perry’s entourage with copies of old newspaper reviews of Journey concerts (which he kept and used to wallpaper the downstairs bathroom).

  22. No “All of the above” option? Shame!

    OK, I’d go with Templar. You and Simon have a lot to answer for.

  23. Lives in Darke County, Ohio, and doesn’t mention Annie Oakley, Annie Oakley Days, or the KitchenAid Store *nearly* enough. (ohhhh – KitchenAid…)

    (oh, the horror)

  24. Both Zoe’s Tale and Metatropolis have green covers. And we all know that green is the wickedest and most sinful of all book cover colors. Shame on you, John Scalzi, shame on you and your blasphemous green books!

  25. Scalzi, you should be ashamed of trying to convince us that you’re not shameless. For shame.

  26. Ashamed is one thing, Guilt is quite another.

    At least that’s what Sister Mary Francis always told me; with punctuation provided with the steel edged ruler!

    Do you feel guilty John? Do you?

    I didn’t think so.

  27. Global warming (if it is in fact happening), is SO your fault. SHAME!

    But seriously, I voted for the “All The Single Ladies” thing. What is it about that video that makes people want to do the choreography and put in on Youtube? I liked the elderly italian ladies the best. And I am guilty of singing it and doing a poor version of the dance, in the chart room of the psych unit where I work, in front of witnesses. I stopped when they got out their cell phones to videotape it. In my defense, I was not wearing an edible thong.

  28. Oh, and you should totally be ashamed for putting “Single Ladies” into my head, where it will not leave! Curse you, Scalzi!!!

  29. Its because you didn’t enjoy the Creation Museum to its fullest and must go back for round 2. And to ride on the Dinosaur as all humans did in the past just like in the Flintstones.

  30. As a long time Scalzi friend and couldn’t wait to post “JOURNEY” but some guy named Randy Johnson got it in here first.

    My other pet Scalzi complaint is that you tended to give a lot of movies D’s when you knew they were F’s. I think if we took the total collection of Scalzi rated movies and applied traditional grading curves to them the results would be more accurate to even your opinions of the films in retrospect. (reference: Natural Born Killers)

    Other than that it is hard for any friend of yours to have made that call to you. Generally you are a pretty good guy. Your wife and kid are still cooler than you but outside of that measure you should be pretty happy with yourself.

  31. I picked Other. I think you should be ashamed of Schadenfreude Pie, which has added inches to the waistlines of millions.

    Well, hundreds. Dozens. Whatever.

  32. Despite its leading position in the poll at the moment, despising Bacon is nothing to be ashamed of. (I assume you mean Kevin, rather than Roger or Sir Francis).

    I don’t know whether you should be ashamed of prancing around in front of a mirror in an edible thong, but yu dfinitely shold be ahsamed taht you tramuatizd or ppor brain by inflitcing tht imhge… teh pain…hurts…

  33. You should be ashamed to keep your Ashley Tisdale shrine in the basement. It should be in the main section of the house so you can inspire guests into participating in worship services.

    The Hudgens shrine needs to be hidden in the basement, unless she’s reached the age of majority in your state.

  34. You know full well what you have done; shame on you. And go apologize to Ms. Tisdale; such a lovely girl.

    Cheers
    Andrew

  35. The Church can no longer count on weekly mass attendance to cause feelings of guilt and shame, so now we call you directly. It’s just a little service we provide. You’re welcome.

  36. Should I be ashamed that I had to google Ashley Tisdale?

    Also, was the edible thong actually made of bacon?

  37. You should be ashamed for all the musical suggestions you
    make to us, whether in YouTube format, text (such as the list of possibly-shameful-items above), or mp3/QuickTime format.

    Obviously.

    Earworms are really really really hard to get rid of.
    Is there something that performs the audio version of
    Clorox?
    Lauretta

  38. Oddly enough, that happened to me once, too — except it was a little old lady who was CONVINCED that I’d been crank-calling her, and there was nothing I could do to unconvince her of this.

    In fact, I had most certainly NOT been crank-calling little old ladies. Back then I was a full-time graduate student working three jobs and I can assure you, I had better things to do with my time.

    I tried to be nice about it and explain that she’d made a mistake, but she called me a bunch of nasty names that nice little old ladies shouldn’t use, and then she threatened to sue me and/or have me arrested, so I just hung up on her.

    Eh. Whatchagonnado?

  39. I think the person calling you should be ashamed. What they should have said is “Flee Now! Your Secret Shame is discovered!”.

    It worked for Arthur Conan Doyle; no one has seen him for years.

  40. I had to vote “other”. You should be ashamed for not creating more baconcat images – and then turning those into a mass market phenomenon (Where’s my baconcat t-shirt?).

  41. “Dresses in a female transvestite’s clothing” – if only because I’m curious what Krissy thinks of this particular habit.

  42. Neil, have you no respect for tradition?!?! It’s “I know who you are and I saw what you did.” Honestly, kids today…lawn…

  43. You haven’t written any more books. I’ve read all the ones you’ve published. I want you to write more books for me to read. Instead, I find you on the innertubes. Shame!

  44. I think my most noteworthy call went something like this:
    [ring ring ring]
    I check caller ID and it says “County of [something or other]”
    Me: “Hello?”
    Deep male voice: “Do you want to get naked and touch your [female genitalia]?”
    Electronic Female Voice: “Has contacted you from Coffee Creek Correctional Facility, will you accept the charges?”

    I opted not.

    Still, how often do you get an offer like THAT?

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