Stab Stab Stab: A Quiz

So, I’m cranky. Knowing me all as you do, do you suspect it’s because:

a) I have low blood sugar at the moment;

b) The world actually is a cesspool of petty hate and ultimate lameness, filled with people whose brains would be an embarrassment even to lower orders of mollusks.

It’s one or the other, people. You tell me. Meanwhile, I may take a nap.

82 thoughts on “Stab Stab Stab: A Quiz

  1. Only people whose brains would be an embarrassment even to lower orders of mollusks, and who live in a world that actually is a cesspool of petty hate and ultimate lameness, would pick a.

  2. If it was a) you wouldn’t take a nap, you would eat something, so it has to be b), which alas isn’t all that surprising.

  3. I find that low blood sugar merely makes me less able (willing?) to shrug off the people whose brains etc.

  4. I was told the answer is always c) – but you didn’t provide a “c” so I’m going with “Because JS has not been allowed to c.”

    See?

  5. I would have to go with Two Having taken a rather long trip yesterday from Newark, to Columbus, and having to watch how poorly people drove in the snow. You would think living in Ohio they would be used to such weather and driving conditions by now.

  6. It’s probably b), but go for a) because you can rationalise a slice of chocolate cake and stave off existential despair for at least half an hour.

  7. Since I like Michelle, I’m going to go with A.

    Eat some mollusks and engage in vengeful role playing as you consume them. Or a Boys In The Hall style “I’m pinching your head” session.

  8. Well, B has always been true. That’s no reason for A not to be true, and at least A is a curable condition.

  9. I’m going to dispute that, and say “anyone who thinks that the population of the world is 99% asshats is obviously an asshat”. Think about it; in any sampling of 100 people, there’ll be one non-asshat. There’s only a 1% chance that that non-asshat is you. It’s therefore statistically far more likely that someone’s an asshat maligning their own strata than the one enlightened individual who looks down upon them.

    But since, dear reader, *you* are obviously not an asshat, it’s likely that the world percentage of asshats per capita is much lower than 99%.

    Or, in fact, that people are asshats in varying degrees, and the degree of asshattery of any single person varies according to circumstance. The most malignant subhuman monstrosity of a human being I have ever had the misfortune of meeting – a creature so vile I almost always append his name with “may he develop acute peritonitis”, and upon whose grave I shall one day dance in glee – was, while totally lacking in empathy and morals towards myself … oh wait. Yeah, he had no redeeming features whatsoever.

    So /most/ people have varying levels of asshattery, and generally fairly low levels; but a /small/ proportion of the population are irredeemable narcissistic parasites upon society, and strong arguments for bleaching the gene pool. On the other hand, a /small/ proportion of the population, likewise, are saints and exemplars worthy of praise, and arguments for the worth of humanity’s continuing existence. I am sure that you know all sorts.

    With that said, I’m going to go with a). CAEK GET! CAEK EET! OM NOM NOM!

  10. B, though A, in my case, usually makes me far more keenly aware of and affected by B, and thus makes me a lot more reactive to said mollusk-brains.

  11. I think it’s this frikking state and the ridiculous amount of winter we’ve been forced to endure. Oh, and asshats. My last two days (as I’ve RANTED about on my LJ) have been made of complete and utter SUCK! I’m heading to the bar in about an hour. Too bad you don’t drink–you could join my whole ‘hood for a round (we have the best pizza in town there, too… if we ask nice, they might add bacon…).

    Here’s hoping that tomorrow is sunnier emotionally.

  12. Well, b) may or may not be true, but whichever it is, the world is probably not significantly worse today than on any other day. Since you manage to be happy, or at least bear up under your woes, most days, I suspect that b) is not the factor that is dragging down your mood today. Therefore, a) needs serious consideration. However, unlike ID, a) is capable of being proven true or false. I suggest a suitable snack. If you still feel crabby afterwards, then a) is not an issue. You will then need to review other possible factors that may be contributing to your mood. The statement “it’s one or the other” may not necessarily be accurate.

  13. “The world actually is a cesspool of petty hate and ultimate lameness,” but that has nothing to do with the quality or quantity of our brains. It’s hard-wired into all of us.

  14. Since I am not so foolish as to stand between a man and the source of his crankiness, I’ll just let you work with either choice you care for.

    Write when you’re less stabby.

  15. Really, though, how well do we know you?

    And I don’t mean that in the philosophical sense, but more in the “you’ve got a public persona” sense.

    Enjoy your nap.

  16. I’m just hoping that you have a nice nap, and a little snack when you get up.

    If you are doing your individual best to work against the ass-hatted mollusks, then does it matter what the rest of the world is? A nice bacon, lettuce, and bacon sandwich will make it all better.

  17. Fletcher (#26): Dude, you are a POET. Plus you made me laugh loud in the middle of the office on an afternoon when I was almost as cranky as Mr. Scalzi.

    Mr. Scalzi: I hope you feel happier soon. Isn’t it a shame that trolls live elsewhere as well as on the Internets? You haven’t been taunting them, have you? After all your good advice to us? Or perhaps they’ve been taunting you … if you like I could put on my Mummy voice and give them The Look.

  18. I think you need some fuzz therapy. The only question is whether the rottenness of the day can be alleviated by a Ghlaghghee-sized treatment or whether it’s actually managed to call for application of Kodi.

  19. Fletcher @26-

    Bravo!

    That’s also the reason it seems like everybody’s a horrible driver even though I Know how to drive- It only takes a couple fools to ruin everybody else’s commute, doesn’t it?

  20. Naps are tempting, activism to change the world, well, you don’t have the energy to do that, right now. When I find myself in that mood, I write an existential story…then find a way to inject some hope ;-) Careful it’s tricky!

  21. I am forced to pick a), because part of the requirements for a cesspool of petty hate and ultimate lameness, filled with people whose brains would be an embarrassment even to lower orders of mollusks, is that you and I would have to be petty, hateful and lame, with an astonishingly small brain. I suspect that this would not be true, and, therefore, a).

  22. Scalzi, you need a cupcake, and you need it now. Because even though b) is supported by a metric buttload of prima facie evidence, the existence of a number stirling people, such as the owner and commentors on this blog, demonstrate that it is ultimately an unsupportable generalisation.

    Come to think of it, I also need a cupcake. BRB.

  23. Thank you for summing up how I’ve been feeling all week. Of course the answer is b).

    And there are no cupcakes here!

    Arrrgh!..

  24. I think this may be one that you have to evaluate based on whether a particular cure works. If eating something makes you feel better, it was A. If engaging in some seriously anti-social behavior in the general direction of the next available target (but not me) makes you feel better, it was B.

  25. For the last time, quit listening to Limbaugh’s show! That petty hate and lameness stopped being funny around the time Clinton started his first term.

    Yeesh.

    And eat a freakin’ candy bar, will ya? Your sugar’s so low, I’m craving a plate of raw sugar just reading this.

  26. Also, why is Fletcher always commenter #26? I call sinister shennanegans.*

    *well, the last two times I looked here, he was 26. Or thereabout. Close enough. Just shut up!

  27. I reject your false dichotomy. B is manifestly true, and A has stripped the normal defense mechanisms you use to keep this knowledge separate from your everyday decision making processes.

  28. The answer is most definitely A. I know this because I, too, am cranky at the moment. However, I refuse to eat anything this late at night, so I’m going to bed cranky and hungry!

  29. When in doubt, I always choose C. My answer would be none of the above. Not low blood sugar, but perhaps a need for some shut-eye?

  30. It’s B. You wouldn’t waste the finger power typing out the details if it wasn’t. Which is really, really sad….

  31. I know exactly what you need. There is this pork recipe hitting many intraweeb sites. It is called Bacon Explosion, I think. It calls for two pounds of bacon, two pounds of sausage and other minor ingredients.

    The ABC news health site has it with other goodies to enjoy or avoid on Superbowl Sunday. Did I mention the additional coverage of Deep Fried Mac and Cheese?

  32. agm, after reading about the cake in this thread, I simply had to replay Portal again. Got to level 18 in about an hour.

  33. Clearly the answer is A. You insist on drinking that watered down fake soda known as Coke Zero, which has no sugar in it. If you had been drinking real soda you wouldn’t be all pissy right now. And please don’t assume I mean that you should drink Coke or Pepsi as those pretenders use corn syrup instead of actual sugar. I would recommend tracking down some Jones Soda, which actually uses sugar. After a bottle or two I’m sure you’ll feel better, at which point it should be obvious that the answer couldn’t have been B for the simple reason that you were previously aware that the world is actually a cesspool of petty hate and ultimate lameness, filled with people whose brains would be an embarrassment even to lower orders of mollusks, so you shouldn’t have been surprised to discover that and give yourself a bad mood.

  34. Watch out! Sounds like you have an oncoming bout of depression. Once you’ve slumped into it, it can take months to get out. Don’t take any more “naps”. They feed the blues like jam feeds ants.

  35. O Foolish Scalzi, you have presented us with a false dichotomy. The reason for your alleged crankiness is of course your spectacular amount of guilt at failing to honor the Beauteous Ghlaghghee properly.

    And this in spite of all the help the Executive Committee of The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club has offered you in this matter. In fact, we’re a little surprised that you haven’t done the honorable thing yet – but we attribute that to your being somewhat a dullard, and not appreciating the true depths of depravity your dishonoring of Her has brought you.

    The solution is obvious and a win-win for everyone. Immediately post a superb picture of Magnificent She and get bonus points for one of Mighty Lopsided Cat and TempCat Zeus.

    The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club

  36. Just two days ago I learned the term “high blood sugar”, a state of mind characterized by excessive jittery movement, euphoria, refusal to recognize personal boundaries, and sometimes glossolalia.

    To wit:

    “Did…did you just put your hand on my ass?”

    “Tralalalala! Sorry, I have high blood sugar today. Zooey Zooey Zoo!”

    High blood sugar is the 138th leading cause of death in the United States.

  37. I’m going to say a), because I have seen evidence in the past few days that reaffirms that the world may be full of horrors, but there are still good people in it who are able to make a difference in even the smallest way.

  38. I described a similar problem to my physician, who happens to be a good friend. His reply ” You mean that Life sucks, and you know it? We don’t have a pill for that….”

  39. Imprimis: Condition b) obtains with probability p >= 0.9 . Secundus: Subject (that’d be you) spends less than 20% of his time in a cranky state.
    Ergo, condition b) cannot be shown to cause subject’s cranky mood. QED, baby.

    Rx a snack and a liter or so of water per ora (people can get dehydrated in winter despite copious rain/snow/sleet/etc.) and a lie-down. Hope you recover to your regular cheerful snarky self soon.

  40. Isn’t it awful how these people swimming in their uncompromising cesspool of mean-spirited lameness are all so COMPLETELY CONFIDENT OF THEIR ONE HUNDRED PERCENT RIGHTNESS? Where do they get their confidence? Why don’t I have any of it? How come I’m always dithering about how maybe I haven’t gotten all the kinks worked out of my opinion and they never are? I blame the U of C.

    Geez. Sometimes I wish I had their confidence, but then I worry that if I did, I would be just like them.

  41. I’m saying A, but then again I’m mostly pretty good with the world of late. This doesn’t happen too often, so I’m not questioning it.

    I can sympathize with the low blood sugar thing, though. When I was a teenager and would get cranky (well, crankier than usual), my father would put up with it for just so long before he would ask me to just go eat something, for Pete’s sake. Apparently, I’d be ever so much more pleasant to be around after the snack.

  42. a) tends to make you more sensitive to b)

    Late last week, we had a father throw his conscious 4 year old girl of our tallest bridge. 58 metres (190 feet). She survived the fall and impact, but didn’t live out the day. I’m pretty sure increasing blood sugar levels won’t make that any better.

  43. @# Emilio:

    Count your blessings. Here in Japan we have Shiso flavoured Pepsi. I drank 4 bottles and my piss came out green…

    google “shiso pepsi”

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