Profit From My Death

I promised Bill Schafer of Subterranean Press that if I did not send him a story I owed him by next Monday, he could kill me.

Bill, that bastard, has decided to outsource the manner of my death and is running a contest about it on Twitter. The person who comes up with the best possible method of killing me will get an ARC of the limited edition of The Last Colony.

So go ahead, you evil people: Plot my demise. And make it good. Also, killing me with bacon has already been thought of. Sorry.

Also: Don’t post them here, because they won’t count here. Post them as replies on Subterranean Presses’ Twitter feed. You have until 5pm next Monday.

24 thoughts on “Profit From My Death

  1. I suggested a bacon death but I was so smart, I did it hours before the contest began. I win! (Maybe).

  2. So will the threat of imminent death motivate you to get the story in, or will the entertainment value of the manner of death give you pause?

  3. As research, how many Sarah Palin Bratz dolls would Athena have to own before you decided to kill yourself?

  4. “Twitter is currently down for unscheduled maintenance.”

    Scalzi broke the internet. Again.

  5. I have a limited edition hardcover numbered copy of “… Laptop … Coffee shop”, so I’m just waiting to see how this all plays out. It’s worth about $300 right now, and you’re still alive, John.

    C’mon people, I gotta have money for my daughter to go to college. Let’s get creative.

  6. Since I do not Twitter as a matter of principle, it goes here even though I know it will not count.

    Are you familiar with Chinese water torture, John? Because your manner of death will be just that. Except instead of water, it will be bacon drippings.

  7. It’s always the Chinese water torture. How about the Siamese or Malaysian water torture.

    There’s certainly the Michigan water torture, where your well is infected with a certain bacteria that makes the water smell of sulfur and the soap just won’t lather up.

  8. How to creatively kill you with 140 characters

    Isn’t that about 12 times more complicated than in Murder On The Orient Express?

  9. I have a sneaky suspicion that most, if not all, of the methods of death shall involve bacon.

  10. What cracked me up was the tweet telling people to stop with the bacon ideas. I’ve not been reading Whatever long enough to have a sense of the baconness that is you, Mr. Scalzi; but I suspect future reading will clear that up.

    As far as your death goes, I’d much rather you were around to write a few more books.

  11. darn twitter’s 140 character limit— here’s the long version

    It seems to me the methods involving bacon and/or cats (or anything else that he has any affection for) are too good for him. His demise should involve something John really dislikes, like the stupid things that Rush Limbaugh tends to say, or people trying to impose their hateful bigotry on others, or the Creation Museum. ok – here it goes- force John dress as a coconut and watch/listen to Fox News/Rush/Pat Robertson etc. until he JUST. CAN’T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE. and willingly throws himself into the awaiting jaws of a pneumatically powered life-sized T.Rex. Mmmmmm crunchy!

  12. I don’t twitter either, but I would suggest smothering in Bunny Peeps. It’s like seasonal and everything.

  13. Damn it, the man is just taunting us. He (nearly) always makes his deadlines, so he’s doing this just for the amusement value.

    And for his next Subterranean book, there’ll be a special chapbook of “140 Ways To Kill John Scalzi In 140 Characters Or Less.”

    You’re all just feeding into his evil empire, I say.

    Dr. Phil

  14. I’d contribute, but currently being killed by powerpoint in a week long technical conference.

    I could suggest Mr Scalzi take my place but I need money, and they PAY me to take this torture.

  15. I’m a complete twitter newb. How could I see all the suggested methods of offing John? I created an account, but I don’t see the creative death threats.

  16. @CJ

    You need to search for replies to @subpress. Type “@subpress” into the search box, you’ll also get other stuff, but if you also search for scalzi you’ll probably mostly get the threats, but miss some.

  17. No tweets, no chance. Even though the ‘cryostatic flitch of bacon deorbited -> cranial impact’ concept was mine, dammit!

    Actually, I’m glad to hear that none of the plans to render Scalzi excarnate need to be implemented. More tasty story goodness awaits!

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