There Was Hardly Any Sodomy in My Pirate Humiliation!

This picture requires a bit of explanation. See, this year Wil Wheaton was one of the Guests of Honor at Penguicon, and there’s a little history there in that he’s been invited before but for various reasons was not able to make it. So I made a bet that this year, Wil would show, and if he didn’t, I would dress up like a pirate and allow Joe the Pirate King to visit all sorts of buccaneering humiliations upon me. Well, as it happens, Wil didn’t make it, and thus, I was made to dresss up in a pirate vest and hat apparently ganked from Long John Silvers, to say “arrrrrrrr” in a dejected and depressed manner, to walk the plank you see there behind me, and to suck on a lime. And so on. Hey, fair is fair.

And just in case you thought that was still not enough Pirate Humiliation, there’s this:

Yes, I was also soundly whipped by a hot woman in a pirate get-up. Oh, it was terrible. Terrible, do you hear me. You could hardly hear my screams over the sound of my wife pointing and laughing.

In all seriousness, Wil was unable to come because he was ill, and he feels awful about it, but, you know. When you’re sick, you’re sick. That his illness allowed me to indulge in some of my secret dirty S&M fantasies IN PUBLIC forced me to be whipped by hot women in pirate get-ups is neither here nor there. I think he’s feeling a little better now. And my back is almost healed! So there it is. Everybody wins.

21 Comments on “There Was Hardly Any Sodomy in My Pirate Humiliation!

  1. If you had to be a pirate, at least you were a pirate in the best damn pirate crew in Michigan. :)

  2. I’m pretty sure we need more pictures of the whipping than that.

  3. I would say that such pictures were revenge for the Velvet Wil ™, but you brought them on yourself.

  4. But *why* is the coke zero gone?

  5. Pirates huh? Ok, what ever floats your boat, or pirate ship.

  6. More whipping pictures, please.

  7. But were there dinosaurs? Because you can’t have sodomy without dinosaurs.

    Well, maybe you can, you pervert.

  8. “Because you can’t have sodomy without dinosaurs.”

    I could have lived a very full life without seeing the words “sodomy” and “dinosaurs” in close proximity.

  9. I always knew Dick Cheney was a pirate, but what was he doing at Penguicon?

  10. Long John Silvers? Is he any relation of J.K. Rowlings?

  11. Is ‘hardly any’ sodomy like being a ‘little bit’ pregnant?

  12. We all know what the crime of Sodom was. Why is it nobody will tell us what the crime of Gomorrah was? What are they keeping from us?

  13. Sodomy, no. The lash, yes. Rum? Not even mentioned. I think you fail the exam, Mr Scalzi.

  14. Good lord, what would safeword be? “Scurvy”?

  15. NTSC@14: Isn’t Gomorrah where gomorrhea came from?

    But why pirates at a skiffy convention? Why not alien abductions and tentacle monsters? Oh, I get it, they’re KUNG FU LASER SPACE pirates-TRON.

  16. Terrible, do you hear me. You could hardly hear my screams over the sound of my wife pointing and laughing.

    As any good wife would.

  17. ntsc 14: We all know what the crime of Sodom was.

    Yes, we do: violation of the laws of hospitality. Treating strangers badly. Sort of like how the isolationist seal-the-border loonies want to do in this country. I love the look on their faces when I accuse them of sodomy.

    Why is it nobody will tell us what the crime of Gomorrah was?

    There’s a song about that called “What Did They Do in Gomorrah,” and I think it’s from Robert Patrick’s play Blue is for Boys, but I can’t find the lyrics online, and my friend who had it memorized is dead. In the process of looking for it, however, I found the claim that the answer is “nothing, they were just too close to Sodom.”

  18. Yeah, seriously… I understand sodomy, but how the hell do you gomorrize someone?

    I really don’t want to look it up on the internet… I’m not that brave… =)

  19. I guess I do kind of look like Dick Cheney in that photo. But he’s careless with *real* guns… ;-)