What a Meatgasm Looks Like

Holy God, I was presented at the opening ceremonies of Conquest 40 with a Bacon Explosion, which is a huge roll of Italian sausage and bacon, wrapped in a bacon weave and barbequeued until it causes your arteries to harden just by looking at it. Naturally I was encouraged to eat some whilst on stage and tell people what I thought, and this is what I said:

Oh, God, imagine there’s bacon on one side of my mouth and sausage on the other and they meet and have hot and angry make-up sex in the middle while a salt lick cheers them on.

Naturally I offered up tastings of the Bacon Explosion to all who wanted some, so after the opening ceremony people came up and took samples, which prompted author Selena Rosen to ask me whether I know that one of the side benefits of being Guest of Honor at ConQuest was that so many people would want to touch my meat. To which I responded that it wasn’t people wanting to touch my meat that was unusual, but that it had to be wrapped in bacon first.

Yes, people. I know. Bacon. I will never be shut of it. But I’ll tell you what. This Bacon Explosion makes it totally worth it.

Even with the enthusiastic distribution of the Bacon Explosion, I was not able to distribute it all. Half of it now resides in my hotel fridge, calling me. I can already hear my heart weeping. My heart is a coward.

33 thoughts on “What a Meatgasm Looks Like

  1. Now when you get home with it, cut up some slices, fry them up a bit rendering some grease out into the pan.

    Then use that pan to pan broil a couple of pepper crusted, medium rare filets, lightly charred on the outside, and perfectly pink an juicy in the middle.

    Finally, serve the filets on top of the slices, and crumble some bleu cheese over the top.

  2. Wait. So you have half of a cow, and half of a…ummm…bacon-wrapped sausage in your hotel fridge? K.C. will be with you for a while (meat, hardened arteries, and all).

  3. Man, I can feel my arteries clogging just looking at the picture!

    (oh, and thanks a lot Dr. Phil – now I need to go make a milkshake! mmmmmmmmm… milkshake……..)

  4. I have to know: Did the Bacon Explosion already exist, or did they invent it just for you?

    (I’m slowly reverting back to vegetarianism, mostly for health reasons, and now eat bacon very very rarely. Talk about meatgasms! Try eating No Meat At All for nearly a week, and then having delicious heavenly hot extra-crispy Scottish cut bacon. One’s taste buds are still quivering half an hour later :)

  5. Okay, I take back everything I’ve ever said about how kashrut has absolutely nothing to do with health concerns. God was planning well ahead to save us from the Bacon Explosion.

  6. Chris @ 8 said Now when you get home with it, cut up some slices, fry them up a bit rendering some grease out into the pan. Then use that pan to pan broil a couple of pepper crusted, medium rare filets, lightly charred on the outside, and perfectly pink an juicy in the middle. Finally, serve the filets on top of the slices, and crumble some bleu cheese over the top.

    Then wrap it in cheese, roll that in ham, dunk it in batter, roll it in cracker crumbs, and deep fry it in beef lard.

    Seriously, Scalzi, half measures are for pussies.

  7. Bacon in a basket weave around sausage is usually called a Terrine or Pate. I never thought of cooking one in the smoker, but have smoked some of the parts for one.

    Italian sausage is pork butt, perhaps with some fat added, and spices. I made 10 pounds yesterday. Pepperone, on the other hand is beef, I make that too.

    My wife is giving me a wine cooler so I can do dry cured meat year round and no longer be cold weather dependent. She likes the idea of having a non-ending supply of proscuitto at $3/lb. There are 30+ pounds of dry cured ham hanging in my basement right now.

    @8, other than grilled rather than sauted, that is what I had for dinner last night.

    I blog about charcuterie (mostly); a post on making a 7 pound pate: http://blog.charcuteire.com/2008/04/29/country-pate.aspx

  8. Patrick @3 – then he’ll be “the guy who tapes bacon to thigns” instead of “that bacon-cat guy” adn we can;t HAVE that.

  9. How can you do it, man? How in good conscience? You have a child!

    THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

  10. While on the metro-meat-ual side of things, the beloved and myself have a pancetta from Faicco Pork Store on Bleeker street, which we used half of to make a beautiful marsala sauce.

    Bacon, in all it’s glory, can reside in so many places in your life, be it grand bacon explosions, or subtle flavoring for a great marsala sauce.

    Blessed be the pork curers, for they bring us bacon.

  11. Josh, I agree, they are indeed blessed; as are we for having access to their products.

    Phoenix isn’t exactly noted for great food (even great Mexican); but we do have a few standout gems.

    Stanleys homemade polish sausage, on 22nd and Mcdowell is one of them.

    They do all their own butchery and smoking; and it is to die for. The sausages are incredible, but their real crowning glory is their bacon. Belly bacon, back cut (rasher), loin cut (canadian), all spectacular.

    I don’t even make sauces without some of their beautiful smokey bacon fat in them any more.

  12. CaseyL — it already existed, invented by some KC local guys. The instructions are on the web. I will say, however, that Jim is a superb smoker of meats, and I am sure his Bacon Explosion was exemplary.

  13. The fact that it has taken me a week to weigh in here is testament to how amazing ConQuesT 40 was. But I am he who spent last Friday afternoon making the Bacon Explosion for the Great and Powerful Scalzi’s delectation. And I must admit that when I looked upon it, having rolled it up, my first thought was “my god, this belongs in a porno.” And beyond the amazing tastiness of the thing itself, the fact that a friend asked if I would make one for him if he provided the ingredients* and that my wife the co-chair (as opposed the my wife the con suite ghoddess) asked if I would make one for her, was validation enough.

    Thanks again for your fine work as GoH, and I do hope, for your family’s sake, you are no longer sweating pork. Come back soon.

    *The fact he is gay and has, after watching me suck down a Blow Job, wondered whether we shopped at the same mall, is irrelevant to the discussion at hand

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