The God Engines ARC Contest

First off, let me just say that you are not prepared for the staggering 1970s fantasy art Gor-gasm you’re about to have looking at the cover to my upcoming novella The God Engines. So take a moment to prepare.

Ready? Here you go:

See? Told you. The artwork is from Tomislav Tikulin, who has clearly studied up on his John Norman.

And you ask: does this cover match what’s between the covers? The answer: This is in fact a reasonably accurate representation of a character in the story. Hey, when I told you guys this novella was unlike anything else I’d ever written, I wasn’t kidding. Truth in advertising, folks. Now, you’ll have to read it to find out who this character is, why he’s in chains, and why he’s so damn angry. You may be pleasantly surprised!

And if you would like to read it — early, before everyone else reads it in December — here’s your chance: Subterranean Press is running a contest, the winner of which will be sent an ARC of The God Engines, which are slated to arrive at the SubPress HQ in the next couple of weeks. When they get it, they’ll ship one off to you. All you have to do is come up with the winning answer to this question:

If this was not the cover to The God Engines, what would be the title of the book it was the cover to?

Which is to say: imagine a different book that this would be the appropriate artwork for, and think of the title. You will be graded on cleverness, quite obviously.


1. Post your titles in the comment thread to this entry. All entries must be in by 11:59pm Eastern, Tuesday, June 2nd.

2. No more than two titles per entrant.

3. Using “of Gor” in your title is probably not as clever as you think it is, since we already went there.

4. Titles with the word “bacon” in them are also not nearly as clever as you think, and will be disqualified. Come on, people, get over it.

5. Per points 3 and 4 above, if you type in “Bacon Slaves of Gor,” or some such, we will have you killed.

6. Bill Schafer and I are final arbiters of who wins.

There it is. Think of something good, or we’ll let this guy out of his chains to come after you. Trust me, you won’t like that.

So: Book titles! What have you got for us?

620 Comments on “The God Engines ARC Contest

  1. This is almost the zoomed-out version of the cover for Your Hate Mail Will be Graded.

  2. My Baby’s Got Me Locked Up In Chains!

  3. Adventures in Body Waxing: or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Just Take It.

  4. Hmm. Tuscany Love Poems.

    Obama and America’s Socialist Democrats: Their Plan to Feed Aborted Fetuses to Gay WWE Wrestlers.

  5. CRAIGSLIST and Safe Words: Your Guide to Online Adventure

  6. It’s a kids’ book, of course: Why Daddy Need His Meds

  7. Attack of the Death Organ: A minor tale of a majorly pissed off pipe organ

  8. Prisoner of the Night Ranger Legion.

  9. _Prometheus Rebound_

    Alternately… _Santa’s Not Coming To Town This Year ‘Cuz He’s A Little Tied Up And Boy, Is He Pissed_

  10. – The Pillow Fight at Ragnarok

    – Zen and The Art of HR Geiger

  11. Internet Trolls and the Cephalopods That Love Them

  12. Either, “Ghlaghghee Ghinally Ghinishes Him”,


    “A Positive Self Image — Overcoming Insecurity Without Being a Douchebag”

    That’s all you get on a brain-dead Friday. :)

  13. I Have No Razor, Yet I Must Shave!

  14. Prometheus Unchained

    @ragnok Still Doesn’t Get Twitter

    re: Bacon Slaves of Gor – I am soooo stealing that.

  15. the first thing I thought of was … The Bonds of Rage

  16. RAGE
    He raged at the world, he raged at himself, but mostly he just raged.

  17. My life as a vampire – The true story of Delilah’s Samson the church doesn’t want you to know.

  18. I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!

  19. Tales of Ayn Rand’s Dying Earth

    My Loving Youth: Dick Cheney’s Unofficial Biography

  20. Your Hate Mail Will Be Answered–In Person

    by John Scalvi

  21. For some reason, I think that looks kinda like you.

    So it’s obviously your autobiography: John Scalzi: The Man, The Myth, and the Machine.

  22. Dick Cheney: The Untold Origin

    Santa Goth: The Alan Moore Guide to Perverting Your Childhood Icons for Controversy, Fun and Profit

  23. Unchained: The Shocking Inside Story of Disney World’s Haunted Mansion

  24. I Forgot My Wife’s Birthday
    by John Scalzi

  25. AI – The true story of the original GLaDOS descent into human experimentation

  26. Hmm… If you knew nothing about the book, it might be a great cover for Gene Wolfe’s “Free Live Free”

    But for a contest submission, I’m suggesting “The Monarchy of Chains”

  27. #1: Unix System Administration Handbook (4th Edition)
    #2: Beard Slaves of The Walrus God: Volume 3: Unleashed!

  28. _Rage Against Underacting: The Brian Blessed Story_

  29. “How to tame a spirited pet : a primer” by the Phantom of the Opera

  30. Bear in Chains: The Imprisonment of the Cannibal Elves of of Ursicon 9.

  31. WWE chain letters

    The Life and Philosophy of Jean Jacques Rousseau (the graphic edition)

  32. Igor Unbound: Being The True Story Of The Abrupt And Abject Failure Of The Mad Scientist Assistant’s Analyst Told In Eleven And Twenty-Seven Quatrains.

    Damn, I might have to write that!

    Dr. Phil

  33. “What happens when you forget your towel: An addendum to the Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy.”

  34. The Scalzian Foreplay Method: An illustrated How-to

  35. “Troll Trappers in the 23 1/2 Century” as in internet blogging trolls…..

  36. The Hardy Boys: The Mystery of Biff’s Basement

  37. The Orthodontal Rebel: He who would not floss!

  38. 2nd entry: “The Obsidian Shackles of the Tower of Midnight”

  39. Conan 47: The Octogenarian Years

    Carnies gone Mad! – Carnival Rides Imagined by the Deranged and Insane.

  40. Pipe Organs of the Damned

  41. Ok, the obvious one first: “What Rough Beast, Its Hour Come Round At Last”



    Maybe “The Men Your Mother Warned You About”

  42. marktis: first thing I thought of. Based on the look, perhaps Genghis rather than Noonien Singh.
    Not really a title, though.

    Maybe Himbos of the Death Sun? Possibly available in variant covers a-la comic books, this being the Bear cover, Twink edition to come later…

  43. The Hair Restorers Revenge or Try to Comb-Over That!

  44. When Transporters Malfunction: The Tragic End of Jean-Luc Picard

  45. 1. US Federal Goverment Employee Handbook: (2000-2008)
    2. Anger Management for Dummies

  46. “Forgotten Love and other tales of Chain-Lust”

    “Chain Trek – Wrath of the Lost Key”


  47. Conan Shrugged


    Tyranny of the Organ Hegemony

  48. Alien Slaughterhouse: The Cured Belly of His Carcass

  49. Medieval Pilates for Beginners:an Illustrated Companion

    Sleeping Beauty:The Magic Mirror’s Revenge

  50. Mrs Pendergast’s Secret
    Chafe: A Memoir in Three Parts

  51. Seven Habits of Highly Effective Torturers
    … or …
    Old Man’s War

    (Okay, the guy doesn’t look that old, but he does have the “pulp fiction” old man look to him).

  52. “Snow White Revisited: The Magic Mirror’s Revenge”

  53. #1 The Pipe Organs of Hell

    #2 The Spell was for Something Else
    (Grammer and Pronunciation in the Mystical World)

  54. It’s going to be hard to beat Atlas in Chains, but

    1. Galley Slave (see, since it’s an ARC and…oh never mind)
    2. The Ill-Tempered Clavier

  55. “2000: A Year on the Presidential Trail” by Al Gore


    “It’s Man’s Life Editing Science Fiction”

  56. I started writing my first entry when there was only 18 comments and posted at 102
    The popularity is stunning

  57. Grooming for Dummies: How to get a clean shave without the pain of razor burn.

  58. “Khhaaaaaannn!: An actor’s guide to self-restraint”


    “Lucifer’s Kink: Why the fallen angel really fell; A Tell-all”

  59. Anger management: How to contain your rage using only chains and an altar to the dark gods.

    The man who screamed for freedom. And suntan lotion.

  60. Cromulent: The Embiggening

    Managing the Liberals in Your Life by Rush Limbaugh.

  61. 2nd entry:
    Organ Lessons for the Uninspired

  62. “The Complete Guide to J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek by Gene Roddenberry

    (Or should that be ghostwritten by?)

    “The Smart Girl’s Guide to Dating in 2009″

  63. (not the title: holy crap – this is why the other thread died!)



  64. Judges in Space: Samson and the Philistines of Mars


    The Phantom of the Opera Joins WWE

  65. Otis Repair Manual #42C-666. Steampunk Elevators to The Underworld

  66. 1.) BDSM 101: A Couples Guide to Spicing It Up in the Bedroom

    2.) The Story of O hhh My God, Why?

  67. The Feral Rage of the Frustrated Pipe Organist


    Sonic the Hedgehog: Dr. Robotnik the Barbarian

  68. #1: Xenu Enchained: Revenge of the Thetans: They’re back, and they are out for blood! A thrilling end to the greatest story of the XXth century.

    #2: Werewolf at the Opera: A consummate tale of raw musical genius.

  69. By Grabthar’s Hammer


    Against the Dying of the Light

  70. Sacrifice: Book Four of The Lords of Elanthar.


    I Know What You Did Last Summer

  71. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

  72. “The Slave in the Magic Mirror and Me” by the Evil Queen’s Huntsman.


    “How to Inspire Cooperation Utilizing the Organ Compositions of B. S. Johnson” by Havelock Ventinari

  73. The Devil’s Parliament


    Blood and Chains for My Lord Antioch

  74. Thundaar the Barbarian: THE BOOK!!

  75. Slatex vs. the Pipe Organ from Hell

  76. Chest Blüdgüd vs. The Chainmasters of Throbb – A Chest Blüdgüd Adventure


    “Less With the Muscles, More With The Phalluses!” – The Struggle Behind H.R. Geiger and Boris Vallejo’s Aborted Conan The Barbarian Movie

  77. Entry One:
    Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: 101 Tasty Ways to Prepare Man-flesh

    Entry Two:
    Chains of Love: A Primer on Anger Management Interventions

  78. Self Help book:

    It’s OK to be Angry: What to do when you’ve been shaved, chained, and left in a steel outworld dungeon

  79. Flow My Tears, The Berserker Said.

    As demonstrated by marktis @35, you can never fail with a Phillip K. Dick style title. He has the best titles in all of literature.

  80. Trading Spaces: The Ten Worst Remodels

  81. Man, This Thing’s Hard to Play!


    Playbill for Rob Zombie: Live at the Mormon Tabernacle

  82. Enhanced Interrogation for Dummies

    The Passion of Andrew Sullivan

  83. Revolt on Nebulon Prime:
    Vampire Cavemen vs The Steampunk Einstein

  84. How to Lose 50 Pounds in only Two Months: A BDSM Diet Guide

  85. re: response #52, answer #1: ROFL -9!


    “I Have These Chains And I Must Scratch”

  86. Samson 2525: Prisoner of the Dread Gods


    Las Vegas Weekend II: I can’t Believe it Happened Again

  87. “Do Angry Men Dream of Electric Shavers?”

  88. A White Paper Study of US Torture Techniques: The Organ

  89. 1) “The Mozart Effect”

    2) “Under Penalty of Law: Why You Should Not Remove the Tag from Your Sofa”

  90. “Unleash the Bearded Fury: The Patrick Rothfuss Biography”

  91. Coffee table book: The Best of Antiques Roadshow

  92. Captive in the Temple of a Muppet Albert Einstein


    Pentagon Final Report on Conditions at Guantanamo Bay: A Graphic Novel Adaptation for President Bush

  93. “Love Slaves of the Demon Death Gods”


    How about this:
    “Samson Goes to R’lyeh”

  94. All I Said Was, “Stay on the Line, Your Call is Important to Us.”

  95. Dentistry Today – Inside, the latest in patient furniture

    See, I make it up in quantity.

  96. “The Trial of the Cosplayer”

    “I Told You I Didn’t Need Sunscreen!”

  97. If you don’t do what we tell you to do, you’ll wind up in the basement with your brother, chained to the ancient alien machine we dug up in south america: a cautionary tale for children.
    (Let’s see them come up with a title for the movie version of THAT book!)

  98. MUST…NOT…SHAVE…OFF…BEARD – The Final Days Before the World Beard and Mustache Championships

  99. Village People in Bondage


    Brush Your Teeth, Kids…. OR ELSE!!!

  100. Wizard of Oz love slave. The untold story.

  101. “Replacing waterboarding with forced White Castle’s and no restroom access gets USA in trouble with Geneva Convention”

  102. Phantom of the Opera Enslaves a New Friend

    Dick In Chains
    Excerpt: “See Dick, See Dick Scream …”

  103. If You Don’t Do What We Tell You To Do, You’ll Wind Up In The Basement Like Your Brother, Chained To The Ancient Alien Machine We Found In South America: A Cautionary Tale For Children.

    (Let’s see them name the movie after they buy the rights to that book!)

  104. I apologize for the double post. I didn’t think my stupid Blackberry posted it the first time, so I hopped on the laptop.

    Which leads me to the sequel for my previous book:

    See What Happens When You Double Post?

  105. For The Love Of God, No More Handel’s Messiah

  106. Grrrr, my second entry was so lame, but I just couldn’t figure out how to incorporate the words “Wang Chung” into a second title, no matter how hard I tried.

  107. Gllorfe, Eeeebok, ed. Anger Management for Terrans. 52nd ed. Dorstoc: MacMillan, 2114.


    Brown, R., ed. Effective Comment Moderation. New York: Bedford, 2012.

  108. I dig that his teeth look sharp. I notice those things, because I care. When I saw the cover art though, the first titles that came to my mind immediately, if not prophetically were:

    Furybeard: The Chaining (Book 1 of 3)

    The Roar. Beginnings.

  109. Quelling Fervor: The Chainening

    (appending “ening” to anything immediately makes it more funnyening)

  110. “When Slap and Tickle Is Not Enough: Bondage for Beginners”

    “The Salacious Stars: How the Recession Ruined Space Brothels.”

  111. Joseph’s Time In Prison: The Alternate Story

    (Sorry its bad I know but the cover reminded me of Joseph in prison in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat – so I tried to come up with something that would be the alternate story of what if Joseph went insane or evil during his time in prison)

  112. Ben-Organ by Lew Wallace and John Scalzi


    Slave of the Darfsteller by Walter M. Miller, Jr., and John Scalzi

  113. Wasn’t this the original cover to Eric S. Raymond’s The Cathedral & the Bazaar: Musings on Linux and Open Source ?

  114. Hanes Gray Pants: Keeper of the Shorts

  115. w00t, over 200 posts within an hour!

  116. 1) The Torture Chamber

    2) Surviving Waterboarding

  117. “101 Uses For AOL Free Sample CDs”

    #43: Spice up your dungeon!

  118. I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings – These Chains Chafe!

  119. The Bible: What Really Happened
    A Short Introduction to Bodybuilding for Satanists

  120. “The Intelligent Homosexual’s Guide to Capitalism and Socialism, with a Key to the Scriptures”, by Tony Kushner.

  121. “Cathedral of Dissonance”


  122. The Exorcism of Hercules’ Ghost


    Tales from Solitary Confinement: Fall of The Strong Man

  123. Robert’s Rules of Order, Guantánamo Bay edition.

  124. Is it just me or does it look like the artist used Sven Ole Thorsen as the Character model?

  125. Backdoor Aliens: A History of Anal Probes

  126. At the Fountains of Madness: Can’t They See I’m Thirsty? My Mouth is Open and Everything


    Catching Flies When There is No Honey

  127. The Heartbreak of Psoriasis


    How to Get the Most From Your Call to Customer Service

  128. Excerpt from Bacon Slaves of Gor by John Scalzi, from notes provided by John Norman:

    Prince Keldnar grasped the long, hard handle of his iron skillet, black with the grease of ten-thousand breakfasts, and gave the pan a quick, brief shake and was rewarded by a sizzling sigh. “The bacon at first may rebel and try to curl up, but a firm hand with the spatula will soon bend it to your will,” he said, slowly and forcefully pressing down upon a recalcitrant rasher. “It is the natural place of bacon in the scheme of breakfast to lie flat for its master and crisp evenly. It will learn this in time and will come to enjoy the sensations.” He flicked another rasher with the tip of his spatula and watched it shudder as the glistening grease spattered upon him with a violent hiss. His expression never changed as he licked the grease from his leather glove and slammed the spatula down upon the pan with a resounding crash.

  129. The Chainer Syndrome by Burton Wail

  130. Growing Up Merciless: Ming, The Early Years


    Swelling Organ: Wurlitzer and Hammond’s Secret War (as originally published in McSweeney’s Quarterly)

  131. Mensley@222, wow, maybe you should actually flesh that one out. If I were so inclined to be in such a state of mind at the moment, I’d have found that rather titillating. Of course, now you won’t have the chance to flesh this one out since John is probably on his way to your location with an armload of rasher to kill you, ala “Leonard Part 6.

  132. 223, #2: Brilliant. I wondered what that paperboy did after he grew up.

    Not an entry, but “Mooooooooooog!”

  133. Second Entry:

    Do Humans Scream: Top Tolimanian Scientists Debate Controversial New Theory that Vocalizations of our Popular Delicacy May Indicate Intelligence (Variant Cover)

  134. 1) A Treatise on The Effects of Late Medieval Gothic Pipe Organ Music On 5th Century Visigoths in Low-G Environments; Or, Why Experiments Created By Graduate Students Really Shouldn’t Include Time Travel.

    2) Rectal Exam: The Musical

  135. Sub press says the limited edition will have a different jacket design than the trade…which edition is this cover, trade or limited?

  136. #1: Boxers rebellion

    #2: The Gillette Chronicles volume 8: Bearded, Chained and a little pissed off.

  137. Do Mandroids Scream of Electric Sheep?

    I Have A Big Mouth, and I Must Scream

    Rage Against The Machine

  138. 1) Rage in Chans – The true story of an enraged submissive.

    2) NOOOOOOO!!!!! The Luke Skywalker story: what really happened after that father-son talk on Cloud City.

  139. The Rules(TM) for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work

  140. The Dental Hygienist’s Guide, Volume XVII: Dealing With The Difficult Patient

  141. Eric Titzer@226: well, since that wasn’t my title contest entry I might be safe, and hopefully John’s too busy reading these great posts and laughing too much to come after me with the Mallet.

    If anyone else wants to expand on what I did, feel free. I’ve only a limited tolerance for Gorean prose and only did enough to get the joke across :)

  142. Some of these are pure gold. I submit:

    The Mallet of Loving Correction


    Everything You Wanted To Know About Enslaving Your Enemies But Were Afraid To Ask

  143. 1. Handel’s “Meshugana”


    2. Beauty and the Beast VII: Forte’s Revenge

  144. #1) Intermediate Financial Accounting

    #2) The Drew Peterson Story: Man or God?

  145. Kermit Woodall @246: Oddly, that’s how she gets him to finish the books so she can pay the bills.

  146. 1) The Quest for Chuck Norris’ Beard
    2) Big, Pointy, Bearded Teeth

  147. Thor Hungstud and the Erotic Misadventures In The Bisexual Bondage Caverns of Steel McDeath

    Old Man’s Gor

    That’s okay, I’ll show myself out.

  148. Stanley The Friendly Pipe Organ Makes A New Friend

    By Grapthar’s Hammer, I Shall Be Avenged

  149. Stanley The Friendly Pipe Organ Gets A New Pet

    By Grapthar’s Hammer, I Shall Be Avenged

  150. entry #1: The Scalvi chronicles, part I: Escape from the Chains.

    entry #2: The Pipe Organ of Pain and the Singing Slave (cd of greatest hits included!)

  151. A cover for the coffeetable book:
    “Political Policy Today”

  152. Suddenly waking, in unusual places:
    a collection of short stories.

  153. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Barbarian Slave Porn

  154. #1: Satan’s Hemmorhoids

    #2: Isometrics for Demons

    #3: The Chains of Madness

    #4: The Compleat Guide to Chairing an SF Convention – Abridged

  155. “The Unbearable Tone” – An indepth expose into the use of gothic pipe organs as a torture device in interrogations of Al Qaeda operatives.

  156. Speaker for the Dead: Rush Limbaugh and the Future of the Republican Party

  157. Can I use this art for my autobiography?
    “Dave SMASH!” is the title I had planned on using for that, so I suppose that is my second entry.

  158. #279 – Given the expression on the guy’s face, I think it’s more like _Britain Actually Doesn’t Have That Much Talent After All_.

  159. “Anger Management 2: Satan’s Revenge”


    “Anger Management 2: Pipe Down!”

  160. #1 Slave to the Gods


    #2 The war within

  161. Adventures in Home Cooking Vol. 1: What to do with people who cause your soufflé to fall and other exciting anecdotes..

  162. How about the illustrated “This is the Song that Never Ends”?

  163. The Sin-dicated TV Chronicles, Volume 3: The Taming of Doctor Phil.


    101 Blacksmithing Projects For The Serious Hobbyist.

  164. “Revenge of the Cheesemasters”

    I dunno, I just want to win an ARC. ;-)

  165. Mine was similar to Persia’s but, what the hell.

    My first thought was

    Loving Correction

    Second thought was

    They came for the bearded

  166. I’m thinking, “Tarzan and the Lost Follicles of Opar” myself.

  167. Well, this book is obviously part of a series… you know, Slave of WrathNor (this book), then Serpent of WrathNor, Ice Queen of WrathNor, etc., and then of course King of WrathNor, featuring that fellow you see in chains there on the Slave of WrathNor cover, only the King of Wrathnor cover shows him with weapons and a crown and big spikes on his shoulders to match the decor.

    Hopefully it’s better than that Piers Anthony ‘this man’s life’ series though – I expect it to avoid the politics and have more blood and guts and naked people, which is for the best, really.

  168. @52 twarin. “Unix System Administration Handbook (4th Edition)” is my favorite, so far.
    2 more suggestions:

    1 Practical Physical Chemistry

    2 How to Deal Constructively with Your health Insurer

  169. The Passionate and Manly Guide to Opera

  170. “No More Toilet Paper Ever”

  171. Title: Rasputin’s Covenant

    Alternatively: Nordmen’s Chronicles: Chains of War


  172. 1. Lopsided Cats Dungeon of Pleasure & 24 Hour Catnip Bazaar

    2. The Mid-west Girls Guide to Selecting and Keeping the Perfect Mate 5th Edition (Revised)

  173. #1: Beauty and the Beast 3: the de-Beastifying Continues

    #2: It’s just the German cover for Agent to the Stars

  174. Ack, I didn’t read the rulez carefully enough. Can we ditch the “Mandroids” entry, and use the other two?? Oh, woe is me!

  175. John Scalvi in the kingdom of the spider queen

  176. “For whom the chains hold”

    “Beardo, Accounting Extraordinaire!”

  177. The Complete Lyrics Of Night Ranger: Or How To Break Any Prisoner’s Will To Live.

  178. Wait, can I correct my entry? ‘Cuz it really should be: “I know why the caged bird screams

  179. “Scalzi on internet grammar and etiquette”


    “Nerds of the 70’s: a Love Story”

  180. –A Slave to the Music

    (the object in the back reminds me of a pipe organ)

    –Sacrifice and Betrayal

    (I don’t think he’s there willingly)

  181. Wedded Bliss or Unholy Matrimony

  182. “Chains of Freedom”

    From Kafka’s “It’s often safer to be in chains than to be free”

  183. You’re Not Fooling Anyone When You Pretend You Photoshop the Covers for Your Books.

    John Scalzi on the Internets

  184. The Rise of Hooded Justice: A Watchmen Prequel

  185. The quintessential guide to getting your boyfriend to watch a chick flick.

  186. “How I Proposed to My Wife: An Alien Sex Story”

  187. “A Physician’s Guide to the Treatment of Caffeine Withdrawal”

  188. Sean Connery’s staggering new memoir, of course, “Asphyxiophilia and Me: Kilts Optional”

  189. ” Behind the Iron Curtain: Lenin in Chains”

  190. Since I don’t have a chance in hell at winning an ARC, I submit:

    Revenge of the Bacon Explosion


    Why Does Hell Have No Toliets?

  191. Okay I know these two don’t count but this is just too much fun:

    Anakin Skywalker: What REALLY Happened


    Maybe You Should De-Install Vista and Go Back to XP?

  192. “Chaining Your Inner Patriarch: A Feminist’s Guide to Altering the Dominate Paradigm Through BDSM”


    “Check your Demons at the Door, or Why You Shouldn’t Steal Demon-Summoning Books”

  193. My Life in the Family Circus by Jeff “Jeffy” Keane

  194. Riffing on your tendency to use PKD titles:

    The Man Whose Teeth Were All Exactly Alike- and Pointy!

  195. 1.) Scenes of Destruction: How Gay Marriage Caused My Divorce and Turned Me into a Masochist Queen

    2.) Loinclothes, Beards and Chains: A Beginner’s Guide

  196. #1: Fall of the Witchlocks by Johnathan “Gabe” Gabriel and Tycho Erasmus Brahe.

    #2: Failures in Contracts – Case Studies from Professional Wrestling.

  197. #2 Male Waxing: Be Grateful It’s Not A Brazilian

  198. Blood Stains No More: John Scalzi’s Comprehensive Guide to Housebreaking your Demon-Mutant Man.

  199. Microsoft Exchange Server 2008 Installation And Administration Guide.

    Speaking as someone who *just* finished setting up a new Exchange Server, it seems eerily appropriate.

  200. Judas Unchained

    no wait…that’s already taken

  201. “It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time”

  202. Pride and Prejudice and Bondage.

    or perhaps

    How to Win Friends and Influence People; CIA edition.

  203. The Wheel of Time Enslaved

    Loki’s Revenge

  204. “RAAARRRGH!!!”


    “How the Republican Party Sees Itself, 2009″

  205. Here’s a couple:

    Spaaa FONNN!!!!


    He Was Just an Excitable Boy

  206. “I’m the Decider!”
    The Autobiography of George W.Bush

    A Graphic Novel

  207. Puppies, Kittens, and Other Adorable Things.

    Never Forget the Tampons.

  208. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Tied up in Chains and Screaming His Head off, but Still Hunting Somehow

    (I think it’s too hot for me to be clever….)

  209. #1: “Legends of the Lost US Presidents of the 19th Century: Grover Cleveland”, by Rrah the Conqueror, Subterranean Overlord Press, Wah-Shing-Ton, 3298 (Year 34 of the Slug Dominion)

    #2: “Guide to Cathedral-Class Weight Lifting”, by Eric the Bulky, Bench Press, Muscle Beach, 1983

  210. Flying rug you should never buy
    Get rich quick- learn how to promote and sell low level strength potion

  211. “The League of Extraordinary Herculean Gentlemen”, or

    “Gothra in Chains.”

  212. I think JustaTech’s submissions are awesome. Not sure I can compete with those, but here goes:

    “The Colorado Inquisition” – The stonework in the background looks a little too sleek for pre-industrial construction, yet has obvious medeival Gothic references. So I am thinking this book is about some post-apocalyptic future where a local theocracy is finding and torturing heretics. On the other hand the setting is dark and dank, so I am thinking somewhere with Mountains – hence, Colorado.

    “Rebel and Martyr (Book One of The Bethel Saga)” – Again, with those gothic elements in the background, there has to be an ecclesiastical element to the book, but maybe the guy is an early leader of a rebellion against a theocracy (“Bethel”), and this is the first book of a larger story arc about how he is captured and tortured, but his defiance inspires greater uprisings to be covered in the series’ later books.

  213. Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the Schadenfreude Pie

  214. Red Bull, Absinthe, and the Horrible, Horrible Night That Followed

  215. Maddening Iron Chains: A Garret PI Novel


    Cry Havoc and Let Loose the Beards of War

  216. Second Entry:

    “They Told Me It Was Decaf!”

  217. Manscaping for Heroes, or How To Maintain That Crisp Loincloth Line While Fettered

  218. Main Title: “Chett: The Distraught Gay Vampire”

    Subtitle: “And the Many Problems which Arise when your BDSM Partner Dies with the Keys just out of Arm’s Reach”

  219. Adventures in Dentistry – Book 2: The Transylvania Years


    Conan and The Hyborian Medical Co-pay.

  220. Dr. Dictionary’s Johnson; or, The Triumph of Experience Over Hope

  221. “The Slave Organs”
    “Cry of the Hoopoe”

  222. Harry Potter and The Rages of Roids


    John Scalzi: My Life in Chains

  223. 01000010 01100001 01100011 01101111 01101110 00100000 01010011 01101100 01100001 01110110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01000111 01101111 01110010

    (It had to be done. Also, I’ve already pre-ordered it…)

  224. Samson and the No-good, Horrible, Very Bad Haircut

  225. “God Slaves of Rage”


    “Playing the Human Organ: Producing the Best Resonance and Tone”

  226. “The Chains You Refuse” or “The Vampire Rasputin.”

  227. 2nd entry:

    “Ve Haff Ways of Making You talk!”

  228. Brian Blessed: one man’s rampage through the BBC

  229. izanobu@378: Nice Bender impression. Although, When John figures out that is “Bacon Slaves of Gor” (oops did I do that?) he’s gonna hunt you down and beat you to death with a rasher.

  230. Frommer’s Tormentron IV, 5th Edition

    Tonight We Dine In Hell: A Guide to Fine Cannibalistic Dining by Gordon Ramsay

  231. The dreadful Merry-go-Round of Post-Victorian Cthulhu

  232. (1) The Final Days of Governor Jesse Ventura

    (2) Breakin’ III: Satanic Boogaloo

  233. “That’s MY Loc-Nar!”


  234. Torment of the Fallen


    Ganesha versus the Monkey King

  235. “Chained Heat”

    “Under the Tuskan Statue”

  236. I’m technically stealing this from my ten year old brother, but I don’t think he would mind.

    So, without further ado…

    From the mind of John Scalzi… we bring you….

    “Armpits Ahoy!”

  237. Yeah and there’s four more days to go. Bet you crash the server.

  238. My submittal:

    Shel Silverstein Unchained!

  239. “Fiends in Fetters: Tartarus Illustrated Annual Swimsuit Issue”

    (that’s my second entry, which hopefully will give my brain permission to think about something else now.)

  240. He looks like a Bob. He doesn’t look like he’s having a good day. And with Mr Scalzi having enjoyed his sojourn in the YA market, this further exploration into the lucrative thickets of juvenile literacy is entirely understandable.

    Bob’s Bad Day
    Roar, Bob, roar.
    See Bob roar….

  241. “Sex Symphony: Organ with Chains”

    wait for it, it has a sequel.

  242. by the way, that could only be the cover of a Gor book if, well, there were an underground Gor subculture about which I was previously unaware….

  243. “Uncle John Teaches a Bearded Vampire to Play the Pipe Organ… THE WRONG WAY)”

  244. I Met John Scalvi and He Needed a Sedative.

  245. Lord Underbum and the Rubbertooth Devils

  246. Wheat-ONNNN!!!!!

    Revenge is a dish best served cold: confessions of an author marooned for all eternity covered in velvet. Buried alive, buried alive. . .

  247. Jim Cramer’s Guide to the Economic Downturn; or, Insanely Mad Money

  248. Braveheart II: Tacky Cardio in Space

    Damn the Dark, Damn the Light

    The Juggler’s Dilemma

  249. Another day at the office. The dentist’s office. In New Jersey.

  250. 1. Masochistic, Dominance-Induced Organsm
    2. The Chains of Men

    Also a request: Can you post a list of the finalists that came close too? Would be nice to know if we were even considered :)

  251. 1) Why Don’t You Ever Replace the Toilet Paper Roll When It Runs Out?


    2) I Was A Teenaged Mutant Space-Vampire In Chains

  252. Steamhünk: The Genemod Years

    (Sadly, he’s the wrong pigment for Barry Bonds: My Story)

  253. Your Hate Mail Will Be Bent, Folded, Spindled and Mutilated:
    The Second Decade of Whatever, 2009–2019
    Introduction by David Blue

  254. matt wilbert @ 345 “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of proper discipline.”

  255. 1. The Fourth Chain

    2. J. S. Bach oder die Zauberorgel (J. S. Bach or the Magic Organ) – a härd/röck/fäntäsÿ/öpërä –

  256. Vampire Tom Swift and His Atomic Pipe Organ
    Angry White Males of Gor

  257. 1. The Death Pits of Ur

    2. Varangian’s Rage

  258. 1. Tap Dancing Your Way Into Social Exile

    2. Are You There, God? It’s-a Me, Mario.

  259. either:
    “The fate of all who file their teeth into points”
    “Angry Prisoners with Broad Shoulders, Vol III”

  260. The Torturer’s Apprentice – Stories From Dick Cheney’s Vault


    Anger Management for Dummies

  261. Or possibly – Put That In Your Pipe And Smoke It.

  262. Metropolis II: The Maschinenmenschen Strike Back – A Novelization


    Projecting: Glenn Beck’s Predictions for America’s Future

  263. The Sound and The Fury

    The Holistic Guide To Taking Back Your Colon Health

  264. “Ladies Night at the Rock Hard Strip Club” by John Scalzi (of course)

  265. 1. When Good Chains Go Bad
    2. Behind Oz’s Magic Mirror

  266. Auntie Maud’s Ettiquette Guide For Refined Young Ladies and Gentlemen (…of Gor)

  267. Atlas Clenched

    (for dishonorable mention, for the back cover:
    “I wanted to die in my sleep, like the late High Priest, not chained to the organ and screaming, like our God.”)

  268. Would it be excessively cruel to leave a computer logged in to this thread sitting at Maker Faire in San Mateo all weekend?

    Just think of the chaos that might ensue…


  269. They Asked Letterman to Host the Oscars Next Year?
    by Hugh Jackman

  270. Little Ms Snuffle-buns very first Lair.

    Part of the Ms Snuffle-buns subjugates candy land series.

  271. Also, the re-release version, “Little Ms Snuffle-buns very first Lair. A Pop Up Book.”

  272. #1 SPOOOOOON! Subtitle: How the Tick became nigh-invulnerable

    #2 The Joy of Transportation Subtitle: Tips and Tricks for using your new Transporter 5000 by Montgomery Scott

  273. The Subterranean Press Guide to Getting and Keeping Hugo Winning Authors

    One Hundred Bar Bets You Should Never Make

  274. Your Hate Mail Will Be Bent, Folded, Spindled, and Mutilated:
    The Second Decade of Whatever 2009–2019
    Introduction by David Blue

  275. Sorry that last one was submitted twice, for some reason I couldn’t find it this morning until after I reposted it.

  276. “A Year in the Life of an iPhone Developer”

  277. Enough camp already. Well maybe one more…Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay – Novelization by Sharon Green

    How about a REAL book?
    Narcissus in Chains by Laurell K. Hamilton

  278. “Your Troubled Child & The Gorian Military Acadamy – A Parent’s Guide”

  279. 1) “The Devil’s Tangent”

    The thing does indeed look like a pipe organ. My first thought was “Satan’s Organ”, and immediately after that thought, I chuckled while my brain played “bow chicka bow wow”. “organist” is the guy who plays the organ, and organist doesn’t have any double-entendres to worry about. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound quite as cool. So then I thought “keyboard”, but that’s got too many modern connotations of computer keyboard. So a trip to the thesaurus for keyboard finds that it is “key” as in musical key plus “board” as in a 2×4 piece of wood describing the keys laid out flat. The etymology of “key” in various other languages includes “tangent” in danish, swedish, and norwegian. THe swedish word for “keyboard” is “tangentbord”. But tangentbord has a few too many syllables again. But then “tangent” is something that english speaking people have heard of, and will assume they know the meaning of (going off on a tangent). But then as they read it, there’s this “as you know, Bob” dialogue between two characters that explains the etymology of “keyboard” and eventually the reader gets that “The Devil’s Tangent” is talking about the keys on the Devil’s pipe organ.

    I’ll ponder it a bit more and see if I can come up with a second entry.

  280. 2) The Devil’s Sacrifice

    The dust cover reads something like this:

    God sacrificed his son to save the world.
    The devil sacrificed (name) to destroy it.

  281. Serious:

    By Cathedral Bound


    I’m Tired Of These M*****-F****** Chains On This M*****-F****** Slave!

  282. Uncle John’s Submission Dungeon Reader

  283. Consumer Reports Special Issue
    So you need chains?: We test 23 brands.

  284. “The Three Black Spines of Vengeance”


    “Kringor, Warrior Slave”

    Dunno who Kringor is, but he looks mean.

    Thanks, John!


  285. Overcoming Addiction: How to Become Lolcat Free in Just 12 Easy Steps!

  286. The Judgement of Prometheus
    classical allusion, obligatory reference to bringer of fire (technology), use of two cliches in four words.

  287. Reminds me of some of the artwork by Mark Rogers for his Zorachus novels. I’ll call it “Tchernobog’s Prison”.

  288. Our Bodies Ourselves: A New Edition for a New Era

  289. This is strangely addicting!

    another suggestion:

    Ghlaghghee’s Revenge

  290. This is a book cover? Are you sure it’s not the cover of a new ‘Judas Priest’ album?

  291. “5. Per points 3 and 4 above, if you type in “Bacon Slaves of Gor,” or some such, we will have you killed.”

    Gor-slaves of Bacon.

    Neener, neener, neeeeeeeeener!

  292. “Chains in Heat — Rise of the Mechanical Descendants of Linda Blair”

    “Terminal Smackdown– World Wrestling Universe Champion John Connor”

  293. “Pope Innocent in Chains”, by Francis Bacon


  294. I know I’ve exceeded my limit and these won’t count, but this is just too much fun…

    1. Behind the Mirrored Glass: I’ve Got Your “Fairest Of Them All” Right Here, Lady

    2. Too Much Concept: Lighting Techniques for Experimental Theater

    3. Mad Max: The Disco Years

  295. A Hissy Fit to End the World – book two of The Tantrum Master series.

  296. Learn to love opera – or die trying.

  297. Herr Doktor JS Bach und die barberisch Conan by Robert Ludwig Steffansohn

  298. #1. Requiem for Steel

    #2. Storming the Iron Skies

    Add a star-shaped text bubble on the cover, “Now a major motion picture, starring Patrick Swayze and Bruce Willis!” (the 1987 version of these actors.)

  299. The Hunchback of Notre Dame: The Real Story

  300. Strapped In:
    The Projectile Benefits of an Ultra High Fibre Diet.

  301. Gordon’s Alive!

    (He kinda reminds me of Brian Blessed).

  302. 1. How I Almost Nouveau Baroque Free: A Gladiator’s Love of 17th Century Art and Architecture . . . IN THE FUTURE!!!

    2. He Wasn’t Glade He Ate Her: 101 Jokes from a Pit Fighter Turned Stand Up Comedian

  303. Krump the Organ Punk
    and other Two-Handed Stories

  304. Guantanamo of the Gods or How Dick Cheney Subverted the Natural Order of the Universe

  305. Seethed Noggin


    The Dong Genies

  306. The Elements of Free-Fall Trampolining Style by P. J. Plauger.

  307. The Diet of Worms II: Luther’s Wrath

    Andrew Sullivan: A Blogger’s Life

  308. Darkrage: Shadowlands of the Vikal Empire

    Darkrage of course being the series title assuming this book is the cover for a series.

    Otherwise you could just split them up and use either Darkrage or Shadowlands of the Vikal Empire as a standalone title.

  309. Wrath of the Waxed (a PG Porn movie novelization by John Scalvi)


    Where Are They Now: After the Virus – Bear McCreary’s Story

  310. Real book: “Dweller in the Mirage”, A. E. Merritt.
    Fake book: “I Only Kissed Her”, The Corpse in Scalzi’s Yard.

  311. Yet another disqualified entry but what the heck:

    And 0.967117988395% of His Fans Will Think His Name is ‘Scalvi’

  312. “Here I kneel, broken-hearted…”

  313. 1. Zoe’s Tale II
    2. A Punishment To Fit the Crime

  314. How to Win Friends and Influence People:
    A Guide to International Relations

    By: George W. Bush
    (Foreword and Edited by Dick Chenney)

  315. I’m just amazed that Bill and John will have the time to wade through all of these, ’cause I don’t…

    That said, I’m thinking A Rough Guide to S&M. Although a Find tells me I’m not the first to think of the “Rough Guide” angle.

  316. “Know your enemies: A justification for the detention polices of the War on Terror” by Dick Chaney and George W Bush.

    “Human Resources Management for Dummies”.

  317. #1: My Life in the Shadows: A Memoir by Boo Radley

    #2: The Case of the Grumpy Man in the Basement: A Nancy Drew Adventure

  318. 1. The Organist’s Prisoner

    2. The Beast That Blinded A God

  319. Vainglory’s Rage
    He held worlds in chains until the tables were turned and he ended up in chains himself…

  320. ‘Have Calliope, Will Grovel’

  321. The Poor Man’s Gastric Bypass: Hypothetical Methodology and Implementation of a Low-cost Alternative to Surgery

  322. Uwe Boll’s Nancy Drew, novelization by Robert Charles Wilson

    Who Moved My Cheese, revised and expanded 3rd edition

  323. I am SO disqualified.

    ‘God’s Little Organ-Equipped Circle of Hell Roughly an Acre in Size.’

    and, simply,


  324. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagghhhhhkk
    ‘All Your Triply-Chained Demons of Gor Are Belong To Us’

  325. Guantonamo Baywatch: The Final Season

  326. “The Power Of Love That I Feel… That You Don’t.”

  327. Red Green Blue (Marble): An environmentalist’s guide to using Hellfire.


    Sweeney Todd’s Apprentice/Model

  328. Okay, technically, this is #3, but I had to bring the old Lit major mojo to the table.

    “Do not go gentle in that good night” and other select works by Dylan Thomas. A special limited edition by Subterranean Press. (Rage, rage against the dying of the light!)

  329. ragnarok creation. debated on adding a the.
    debated on posting (i’m more of a lurker).
    saw the number of entries, nearly ran away. then started reading the entries, and my eyes glazed over at i forget what number. good luck dealing with the massive results of your prompting

  330. “The Rise and Fall of Dick Chain-y”

  331. John I hope you have a week free to read all these!
    Or maybe you could add all of these to the extended ‘editors choice’ version of “The God Engines” – in really small print at the back… then we all win… and buy the special edition book to boot!

  332. George, did you ever hear the one about the nurse that wakes the patient up so that he can take his sleeping pill?

  333. Dante’s 10th Circle: Legally Blond Marathon… Forever!


    Ethical Dilemmas for Amateur Dentists by Charles Manson DDS

  334. “Legend of Zelda: A screenplay by John Scalzi written for director Uwe Boll”

  335. I’ve exceeded my limit too but….

    Christian Bale’s Anger Management Course

  336. “John Norman goes to Slave Summercamp…Oops!”

  337. for what it’s worth;

    “Primal Rage Therapy… and what it can do for you.”

    “Hell Hath no Fury like a Drag Queen Scorned.”

  338. ” A guide to Punishment for those who mention GOR and Bacon in the same sentence”

  339. 1. Planet of the Robot Sex Slaves
    2. Uncle Speedo Goes to the Vet

  340. Chronicles of Riddick: Lord Marshal’s Revenge


    Conan The Cannibal

  341. Miss Tinsdale’s High Tea Will Not Be Disrupted


    Frederick Lange, Spokesman, on the Wheel of Karma

  342. Dune Assassin: The Final Prequel

  343. First Entry: E. Power Biggs Heavy Organ, the complete critical guide

  344. But that’s the Old One from Garth Nix’s Grim Tuesday, of course, right before the automatons blind him.

  345. Bodice, Ripper of Gore

    (he’s Italian like Scalzi, so it’s pronounced bō / ‘dēch / ā)

  346. Guess I should have separated those more with another line. They’re two titles, in case that wasn’t clear.

  347. #1:
    Fury: An Etude Among the Stars

    Rage: The Music that Steals Mens Souls

  348. 1) Hel’s Oracle (that’s not a typo, but a reference to the Norse goddess of death)
    2) The Ninth Circle

    Thanks for the preview of the cover, and the chance to win. The cover art is amazing and I can hardly wait to read the book!

  349. The Sunburn Organ


    The Five Billionth Toccata and Fugue in D Minor

  350. 1. Dammit, Woman, Uncuff Me!

    2. I Am Shatner: KHAAAAAAAAAN!!

    If not for Rule #4, I must confess that I would have submitted

    Bacon Explosion: The Exit

  351. The secret diaries – Norman submits



  352. Völundarkvitha Revisited: Wayland in Chains

    or, somewhat less pretentiously:

    It Might Look a Bit Messy Now: The Complete Guide to the Works of Bergholt Stuttley Johnson

  353. The Fashion Police vs. the Loincloth Smugglers of Omicron V

  354. 1) This Our Prison Majesty

    2) The Master’s Rage Ornate

  355. The History Channel Presents: Medieval Punishment for Improper Dental Hygiene


    Gothic Home Improvement: Room Ideas and More

  356. Sky High Hive in the Ultraviolet Night

    by Fred Schneider

  357. this looked like an auction offering to me. The Lions head (hey that’s what I see) above could be the auctioneer.
    Instead of white slavers we have Feline space slavers.

    1) Offered with No Reserve: Angry Human Male
    I also got the angrier he became the more chained he was by his own fury. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry…

    2) Primal Rage: Chains of your own making.

  358. The Unchaining of Captain Unshavenface


    Chained Meat for the Organ Grinder

  359. Rage Against the Moustache Farms


    Handlebar Moustaches, Shaved Heads, Mountainman Beards and Bodywaxing: A man’s guide to the hirsute persuits.

  360. “Mings Cabinet Of Curiosities”


    “Last Time To See Part II”

  361. 2nd entry

    The Adventures of Dick Cheney’s Shoulder Angel

  362. Entries:

    1. Denial of Faith

    2. The Gate to Vision


    Will the winner be posted here or in a different thread?


  364. #110 Very Impressive! Archaic but very fitting!

  365. There Will Be War

    (at the risk of getting killed, I almost put in “There Will Be War Due to a Lack of Bacon”)

  366. Hey Ya’ll, Watch This: Hillbilly Practical Jokes Gone Wrong, Vol 3

    Sense & Sensibility: Darcy’s Revenge

  367. I was thinking pipe organ also so

    (The prequel to Wizard of Oz)

    At What Price
    (The evolution of exercise machines in post apocalyptic America)

  368. Quickstart Guide
    Karaoke Abs: Death Metal Edition

  369. I was thinking: “Brain Salad Surgery II” but that’s more an album title.

    how about: Calliope’s Prisoner

  370. Who Moved My Cheese?, 2018 edition.

    A masters in business administration will be a very, very different degree then….

  371. 1) Minimum Wage, Maximum Rage: My Life as Scalzi’s Ghost-Writer

    2) Big Pharma’s Pictorial Guide to Research Volunteers

  372. 1) Chained to My Organ And Other Demonic Marital Euphamisms

    2) Hell Organ: The Demon Member

  373. Coping Strategies for Childbirth: Revenge Fantasies


    Free your subconscious: The Power of the Id

  374. 1) None Shall Abide

    2) And a Thousand Thousand Shiny Things Lived On, And So Did I.

  375. I thought I would sneak in just under the wire. I’ve actually thought about this for a few days. Ignoring the storyline for the actual cover, you are still left with a few obvious things to incorporate into the title for this competition. The pipe organ is a dead give away. Many factors involved here, religion, music, the pipes rising toward heaven etc…

    The chains. Interesting spacing of 10 of the little “CD” things between each anchor point. It makes me wonder if there is not another set behind him, anchoring his legs.

    Is he on some type of sled, moving towards his fate, or destiny. Is he leaving the protection of the pipe organ / church. Enraged by the wrongness of his situation, is he crying out in despair?

    I don’t know. That is why it is cover art. There are lots of ways to interpret it. As such, I submit the following two titles.

    A King Denied

    The Last Test

  376. Not in time for the contest but how about

    The Organ Grinder’s Monkey

  377. “The Eternal Champion Runs out of Crack”