May 29 2009
The God Engines ARC Contest
First off, let me just say that you are not prepared for the staggering 1970s fantasy art Gor-gasm you’re about to have looking at the cover to my upcoming novella The God Engines. So take a moment to prepare.
Ready? Here you go:
See? Told you. The artwork is from Tomislav Tikulin, who has clearly studied up on his John Norman.
And you ask: does this cover match what’s between the covers? The answer: This is in fact a reasonably accurate representation of a character in the story. Hey, when I told you guys this novella was unlike anything else I’d ever written, I wasn’t kidding. Truth in advertising, folks. Now, you’ll have to read it to find out who this character is, why he’s in chains, and why he’s so damn angry. You may be pleasantly surprised!
And if you would like to read it — early, before everyone else reads it in December — here’s your chance: Subterranean Press is running a contest, the winner of which will be sent an ARC of The God Engines, which are slated to arrive at the SubPress HQ in the next couple of weeks. When they get it, they’ll ship one off to you. All you have to do is come up with the winning answer to this question:
If this was not the cover to The God Engines, what would be the title of the book it was the cover to?
Which is to say: imagine a different book that this would be the appropriate artwork for, and think of the title. You will be graded on cleverness, quite obviously.
Rules:
1. Post your titles in the comment thread to this entry. All entries must be in by 11:59pm Eastern, Tuesday, June 2nd.
2. No more than two titles per entrant.
3. Using “of Gor” in your title is probably not as clever as you think it is, since we already went there.
4. Titles with the word “bacon” in them are also not nearly as clever as you think, and will be disqualified. Come on, people, get over it.
5. Per points 3 and 4 above, if you type in “Bacon Slaves of Gor,” or some such, we will have you killed.
6. Bill Schafer and I are final arbiters of who wins.
There it is. Think of something good, or we’ll let this guy out of his chains to come after you. Trust me, you won’t like that.
So: Book titles! What have you got for us?
I'm the Creative Consultant for this television show, appearing Fridays on Syfy. Miss a week? For US residents, 
Bacon Slaves of G..AACK!!!
This is almost the zoomed-out version of the cover for Your Hate Mail Will be Graded.
I have absolutely nothing constructive to say here.
You were the model for your own cover art, dude! Awesome!
My Baby’s Got Me Locked Up In Chains!
Adventures in Body Waxing: or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Just Take It.
Atlas in Chains
Chains of Rage
Hmm. Tuscany Love Poems.
Obama and America’s Socialist Democrats: Their Plan to Feed Aborted Fetuses to Gay WWE Wrestlers.
CRAIGSLIST and Safe Words: Your Guide to Online Adventure
It’s a kids’ book, of course: Why Daddy Need His Meds
Sorry…Why Daddy Needs His Meds
Attack of the Death Organ: A minor tale of a majorly pissed off pipe organ
Prisoner of the Night Ranger Legion.
The Best of Michael Moorcock, With Annotations By John Scalzi
_Prometheus Rebound_
Alternately… _Santa’s Not Coming To Town This Year ‘Cuz He’s A Little Tied Up And Boy, Is He Pissed_
Universal Vengance
- The Pillow Fight at Ragnarok
- Zen and The Art of HR Geiger
Internet Trolls and the Cephalopods That Love Them
#2 Universal Vengeance
Either, “Ghlaghghee Ghinally Ghinishes Him”,
or
“A Positive Self Image — Overcoming Insecurity Without Being a Douchebag”
That’s all you get on a brain-dead Friday. :)
The Subjugation of Wang the Perverted
I Have No Razor, Yet I Must Shave!
“You shall know the meaning of, Khaaan!”
Prometheus Unchained
@ragnok Still Doesn’t Get Twitter
re: Bacon Slaves of Gor – I am soooo stealing that.
the first thing I thought of was … The Bonds of Rage
Steroid Madness: My Life in MLB
Vasislav Rising
or
Sacrificial Lambton
Newman!!!!!!
Edward in Chains: Twenty Years after Twilight
1) Waging Peace
2) The Seduction of Hercules
My Secret Garden: The Sequel
RAGE
He raged at the world, he raged at himself, but mostly he just raged.
Princess Kitty and the Chained Love Slaves of Nebraska
“We can dismember it for you wholesale”
My life as a vampire – The true story of Delilah’s Samson the church doesn’t want you to know.
Wrath of Ghor
(see, I put an H in the name, clever, heh?)
I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!
Tales of Ayn Rand’s Dying Earth
My Loving Youth: Dick Cheney’s Unofficial Biography
Your Hate Mail Will Be Answered–In Person
by John Scalvi
For some reason, I think that looks kinda like you.
So it’s obviously your autobiography: John Scalzi: The Man, The Myth, and the Machine.
Iowa Jones and the Temple of Doom
Dick Cheney: The Untold Origin
Santa Goth: The Alan Moore Guide to Perverting Your Childhood Icons for Controversy, Fun and Profit
Unchained: The Shocking Inside Story of Disney World’s Haunted Mansion
Sean Eric Fagan:
I really don’t see the resemblance, myself. I am much more muscular.
…and sharper teeth…
I Forgot My Wife’s Birthday
by John Scalzi
AI – The true story of the original GLaDOS descent into human experimentation
Hmm… If you knew nothing about the book, it might be a great cover for Gene Wolfe’s “Free Live Free”
But for a contest submission, I’m suggesting “The Monarchy of Chains”
What is Good in Life, Angry Bearded Bald Man?
The Adventures of Goldberg: Intergalactic Wrestler and Space Vampire
#1: Unix System Administration Handbook (4th Edition)
#2: Beard Slaves of The Walrus God: Volume 3: Unleashed!
_Rage Against Underacting: The Brian Blessed Story_
Guantanamo Bay: The Untold Story
After the Waterboarding
Thundarr the Barbarian: Twenty Years Later
“How to tame a spirited pet : a primer” by the Phantom of the Opera
Slaves of the Under-Mountain
I’m going with “Forever in the Cathedral of Madness”
Bear in Chains: The Imprisonment of the Cannibal Elves of of Ursicon 9.
WWE chain letters
The Life and Philosophy of Jean Jacques Rousseau (the graphic edition)
Igor Unbound: Being The True Story Of The Abrupt And Abject Failure Of The Mad Scientist Assistant’s Analyst Told In Eleven And Twenty-Seven Quatrains.
Damn, I might have to write that!
Dr. Phil
“What happens when you forget your towel: An addendum to the Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy.”
The Maltese Scalzi
The Scalzian Foreplay Method: An illustrated How-to
“Troll Trappers in the 23 1/2 Century” as in internet blogging trolls…..
“Atlas Shrugged II” by Ayn Rand.
The Hardy Boys: The Mystery of Biff’s Basement
“Rage Cage”
The Orthodontal Rebel: He who would not floss!
2nd entry: “The Obsidian Shackles of the Tower of Midnight”
O_o
Conan 47: The Octogenarian Years
Carnies gone Mad! – Carnival Rides Imagined by the Deranged and Insane.
Pipe Organs of the Damned
Chains of Olympus
Ok, the obvious one first: “What Rough Beast, Its Hour Come Round At Last”
Aaaaand…
hmmm…
Maybe “The Men Your Mother Warned You About”
marktis: first thing I thought of. Based on the look, perhaps Genghis rather than Noonien Singh.
Not really a title, though.
Maybe Himbos of the Death Sun? Possibly available in variant covers a-la comic books, this being the Bear cover, Twink edition to come later…
The Hair Restorers Revenge or Try to Comb-Over That!
“Daddy’s Little Whore”
Cake or Death?
When Transporters Malfunction: The Tragic End of Jean-Luc Picard
1. US Federal Goverment Employee Handbook: (2000-2008)
2. Anger Management for Dummies
Victoria’s Secret
Bay Conservative by Gore Vidal
“Watcher’s Guide for Star Wars Episode I-III”
I didn’t understand the torture until I read a much better version.
“Forgotten Love and other tales of Chain-Lust”
“Chain Trek – Wrath of the Lost Key”
Keeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!
2d entry: Adventures in the Big & Tall Men’s Department
Conan Shrugged
or
Tyranny of the Organ Hegemony
NO SLEEP FOR THE GIMP
BUFF!: 1001 EROTIC POEMS
Alien Slaughterhouse: The Cured Belly of His Carcass
Rage at the Pipe Organ
The Stranger in a Strange Land and His Harsh Mistress
The Chained Dread-God of Trool maybe?
Medieval Pilates for Beginners:an Illustrated Companion
Sleeping Beauty:The Magic Mirror’s Revenge
His Hornéd Organ
Extreme Plyometrics: The Chafening.
More! Schadenfreude! Pie!
Oh John Scalzi No
Mrs Pendergast’s Secret
or
Chafe: A Memoir in Three Parts
Seven Habits of Highly Effective Torturers
… or …
Old Man’s War
(Okay, the guy doesn’t look that old, but he does have the “pulp fiction” old man look to him).
Christopher Lowell Re-Decorates Hell
The Last Temptation of Rasputin
“Snow White Revisited: The Magic Mirror’s Revenge”
#1 The Pipe Organs of Hell
or:
#2 The Spell was for Something Else
(Grammer and Pronunciation in the Mystical World)
It’s going to be hard to beat Atlas in Chains, but
1. Galley Slave (see, since it’s an ARC and…oh never mind)
2. The Ill-Tempered Clavier
Narnia Lost
Loki’s Epic Tantrum
“2000: A Year on the Presidential Trail” by Al Gore
or
“It’s Man’s Life Editing Science Fiction”
I started writing my first entry when there was only 18 comments and posted at 102
The popularity is stunning
The Fembot’s Revenge
_Scalzi in Chains_.
#2. Of Feanor and the Unchaining of Melkor
Grooming for Dummies: How to get a clean shave without the pain of razor burn.
“Khhaaaaaannn!: An actor’s guide to self-restraint”
or
“Lucifer’s Kink: Why the fallen angel really fell; A Tell-all”
Anger management: How to contain your rage using only chains and an altar to the dark gods.
The man who screamed for freedom. And suntan lotion.
STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT!
Cromulent: The Embiggening
Managing the Liberals in Your Life by Rush Limbaugh.
2nd entry:
Organ Lessons for the Uninspired
“The Complete Guide to J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek by Gene Roddenberry
(Or should that be ghostwritten by?)
“The Smart Girl’s Guide to Dating in 2009″
(not the title: holy crap – this is why the other thread died!)
Title:
RROOSSEBUUUD!!!
Judges in Space: Samson and the Philistines of Mars
or
The Phantom of the Opera Joins WWE
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Otis Repair Manual #42C-666. Steampunk Elevators to The Underworld
Or: “No, this isn’t a book about THAT. You pervert.”
“Coke Zero: DISCONTINUED!”
1.) BDSM 101: A Couples Guide to Spicing It Up in the Bedroom
2.) The Story of O hhh My God, Why?
The Feral Rage of the Frustrated Pipe Organist
or
Sonic the Hedgehog: Dr. Robotnik the Barbarian
#1: Xenu Enchained: Revenge of the Thetans: They’re back, and they are out for blood! A thrilling end to the greatest story of the XXth century.
#2: Werewolf at the Opera: A consummate tale of raw musical genius.
By Grabthar’s Hammer
or
Against the Dying of the Light
Sacrifice: Book Four of The Lords of Elanthar.
OR
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
“The Slave in the Magic Mirror and Me” by the Evil Queen’s Huntsman.
or
“How to Inspire Cooperation Utilizing the Organ Compositions of B. S. Johnson” by Havelock Ventinari
The Devil’s Parliament
or
Blood and Chains for My Lord Antioch
Thundaar the Barbarian: THE BOOK!!
Slatex vs. the Pipe Organ from Hell
The 30 Day BDSM Fitness Challenge
Chest Blüdgüd vs. The Chainmasters of Throbb – A Chest Blüdgüd Adventure
or
“Less With the Muscles, More With The Phalluses!” – The Struggle Behind H.R. Geiger and Boris Vallejo’s Aborted Conan The Barbarian Movie
Chains of Burden
Eternal Rendition
The Blood-song of Thokk
Trapped in a Victorian Water Closet
Black Chain Moan
Entry One:
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: 101 Tasty Ways to Prepare Man-flesh
Entry Two:
Chains of Love: A Primer on Anger Management Interventions
Self Help book:
It’s OK to be Angry: What to do when you’ve been shaved, chained, and left in a steel outworld dungeon
Flow My Tears, The Berserker Said.
As demonstrated by marktis @35, you can never fail with a Phillip K. Dick style title. He has the best titles in all of literature.
Conan the Sacrifice
“Still Waiting for Godot”
Trading Spaces: The Ten Worst Remodels
“The Colon War “
Man, This Thing’s Hard to Play!
or
Playbill for Rob Zombie: Live at the Mormon Tabernacle
“New Employee Orientation Manual”
Enhanced Interrogation for Dummies
The Passion of Andrew Sullivan
2nd entry
Taming the Beast Within for Dummies
Revolt on Nebulon Prime:
Vampire Cavemen vs The Steampunk Einstein
How to Lose 50 Pounds in only Two Months: A BDSM Diet Guide
The Beginners Guide to Venture Capitalism
re: response #52, answer #1: ROFL -9!
Alternatively,
“I Have These Chains And I Must Scratch”
Same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Samson 2525: Prisoner of the Dread Gods
or
Las Vegas Weekend II: I can’t Believe it Happened Again
The Sand Fleas of Sumatra
The Untamed Epicurean
“Do Angry Men Dream of Electric Shavers?”
A White Paper Study of US Torture Techniques: The Organ
1) “The Mozart Effect”
2) “Under Penalty of Law: Why You Should Not Remove the Tag from Your Sofa”
The Whole Earth Catalog
The Goonies II: Odin’s Treasure
“Unleash the Bearded Fury: The Patrick Rothfuss Biography”
Not sure if this is copy right protected but…
The Bastard Operator From Hell: Organ Revenge on the Head Beancounter
reference: http://www.theregister.co.uk/odds/bofh/
Book Review: “Old Man’s War”
Avatar of Anger
Coffee table book: The Best of Antiques Roadshow
Captive in the Temple of a Muppet Albert Einstein
-or-
Pentagon Final Report on Conditions at Guantanamo Bay: A Graphic Novel Adaptation for President Bush
“Love Slaves of the Demon Death Gods”
no?
How about this:
“Samson Goes to R’lyeh”
All I Said Was, “Stay on the Line, Your Call is Important to Us.”
Dentistry Today – Inside, the latest in patient furniture
See, I make it up in quantity.
“The Trial of the Cosplayer”
“I Told You I Didn’t Need Sunscreen!”
If you don’t do what we tell you to do, you’ll wind up in the basement with your brother, chained to the ancient alien machine we dug up in south america: a cautionary tale for children.
(Let’s see them come up with a title for the movie version of THAT book!)
MUST…NOT…SHAVE…OFF…BEARD – The Final Days Before the World Beard and Mustache Championships
Village People in Bondage
or
Brush Your Teeth, Kids…. OR ELSE!!!
Wizard of Oz love slave. The untold story.
“Replacing waterboarding with forced White Castle’s and no restroom access gets USA in trouble with Geneva Convention”
Phantom of the Opera Enslaves a New Friend
Dick In Chains
Excerpt: “See Dick, See Dick Scream …”
If You Don’t Do What We Tell You To Do, You’ll Wind Up In The Basement Like Your Brother, Chained To The Ancient Alien Machine We Found In South America: A Cautionary Tale For Children.
(Let’s see them name the movie after they buy the rights to that book!)
I apologize for the double post. I didn’t think my stupid Blackberry posted it the first time, so I hopped on the laptop.
Which leads me to the sequel for my previous book:
See What Happens When You Double Post?
For The Love Of God, No More Handel’s Messiah
Grrrr, my second entry was so lame, but I just couldn’t figure out how to incorporate the words “Wang Chung” into a second title, no matter how hard I tried.
Die Minivan Die: The Life and Death of 80’s Van Art
Benediction’s End
or
Zander’s Claw
“I know why the caged bird sings”
Gllorfe, Eeeebok, ed. Anger Management for Terrans. 52nd ed. Dorstoc: MacMillan, 2114.
OR
Brown, R., ed. Effective Comment Moderation. New York: Bedford, 2012.
What Price Freedom
I dig that his teeth look sharp. I notice those things, because I care. When I saw the cover art though, the first titles that came to my mind immediately, if not prophetically were:
Furybeard: The Chaining (Book 1 of 3)
The Roar. Beginnings.
Quelling Fervor: The Chainening
(appending “ening” to anything immediately makes it more funnyening)
Fated in Chains
I just want to scratch my ass…
The Trials of the Hyades
“When Slap and Tickle Is Not Enough: Bondage for Beginners”
“The Salacious Stars: How the Recession Ruined Space Brothels.”
The Visions of Wraith
Joseph’s Time In Prison: The Alternate Story
(Sorry its bad I know but the cover reminded me of Joseph in prison in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat – so I tried to come up with something that would be the alternate story of what if Joseph went insane or evil during his time in prison)
Ben-Organ by Lew Wallace and John Scalzi
and
Slave of the Darfsteller by Walter M. Miller, Jr., and John Scalzi
The Pain of Heaven
Wasn’t this the original cover to Eric S. Raymond’s The Cathedral & the Bazaar: Musings on Linux and Open Source ?
The Fifth Floor
Hanes Gray Pants: Keeper of the Shorts
w00t, over 200 posts within an hour!
1) The Torture Chamber
2) Surviving Waterboarding
“101 Uses For AOL Free Sample CDs”
#43: Spice up your dungeon!
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings – These Chains Chafe!
Chicks in Chainmail and Their Toys
The Bible: What Really Happened
A Short Introduction to Bodybuilding for Satanists
“The Intelligent Homosexual’s Guide to Capitalism and Socialism, with a Key to the Scriptures”, by Tony Kushner.
“Cathedral of Dissonance”
“Baroque”
The ChainDaddies of God
Bear Fury
The Chaining of Mr. Nom Nom
The Exorcism of Hercules’ Ghost
or
Tales from Solitary Confinement: Fall of The Strong Man
sundown at manuscript deadline
“Tales from Anita’s Harem”
Robert’s Rules of Order, Guantánamo Bay edition.
Is it just me or does it look like the artist used Sven Ole Thorsen as the Character model?
Old Man-Whore
Backdoor Aliens: A History of Anal Probes
At the Fountains of Madness: Can’t They See I’m Thirsty? My Mouth is Open and Everything
or
Catching Flies When There is No Honey
The Last Colonoscopy
The Heartbreak of Psoriasis
OR
How to Get the Most From Your Call to Customer Service
The Devil’s Opera
Excerpt from Bacon Slaves of Gor by John Scalzi, from notes provided by John Norman:
Prince Keldnar grasped the long, hard handle of his iron skillet, black with the grease of ten-thousand breakfasts, and gave the pan a quick, brief shake and was rewarded by a sizzling sigh. “The bacon at first may rebel and try to curl up, but a firm hand with the spatula will soon bend it to your will,” he said, slowly and forcefully pressing down upon a recalcitrant rasher. “It is the natural place of bacon in the scheme of breakfast to lie flat for its master and crisp evenly. It will learn this in time and will come to enjoy the sensations.” He flicked another rasher with the tip of his spatula and watched it shudder as the glistening grease spattered upon him with a violent hiss. His expression never changed as he licked the grease from his leather glove and slammed the spatula down upon the pan with a resounding crash.
#1: Extreme Dentistry Vol. 1: Binaca?
#2: TWO DOLLARS
The Chainer Syndrome by Burton Wail
Growing Up Merciless: Ming, The Early Years
and
Swelling Organ: Wurlitzer and Hammond’s Secret War (as originally published in McSweeney’s Quarterly)
Mensley@222, wow, maybe you should actually flesh that one out. If I were so inclined to be in such a state of mind at the moment, I’d have found that rather titillating. Of course, now you won’t have the chance to flesh this one out since John is probably on his way to your location with an armload of rasher to kill you, ala “Leonard Part 6.
223, #2: Brilliant. I wondered what that paperboy did after he grew up.
Not an entry, but “Mooooooooooog!”
Second Entry:
Do Humans Scream: Top Tolimanian Scientists Debate Controversial New Theory that Vocalizations of our Popular Delicacy May Indicate Intelligence (Variant Cover)
1) A Treatise on The Effects of Late Medieval Gothic Pipe Organ Music On 5th Century Visigoths in Low-G Environments; Or, Why Experiments Created By Graduate Students Really Shouldn’t Include Time Travel.
2) Rectal Exam: The Musical
I Have No Pants and I Must Scream
Sub press says the limited edition will have a different jacket design than the trade…which edition is this cover, trade or limited?
#1: Boxers rebellion
#2: The Gillette Chronicles volume 8: Bearded, Chained and a little pissed off.
Do Mandroids Scream of Electric Sheep?
I Have A Big Mouth, and I Must Scream
Rage Against The Machine
1) Rage in Chans – The true story of an enraged submissive.
2) NOOOOOOO!!!!! The Luke Skywalker story: what really happened after that father-son talk on Cloud City.
Vogon Poetry
The Rules(TM) for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work
The Life and Loves of Loki
The Dental Hygienist’s Guide, Volume XVII: Dealing With The Difficult Patient
Eric Titzer@226: well, since that wasn’t my title contest entry I might be safe, and hopefully John’s too busy reading these great posts and laughing too much to come after me with the Mallet.
If anyone else wants to expand on what I did, feel free. I’ve only a limited tolerance for Gorean prose and only did enough to get the joke across :)
Charlie Stross, the Salad Years
Mangina Dentata & the Organ of Doom
Some of these are pure gold. I submit:
The Mallet of Loving Correction
and
Everything You Wanted To Know About Enslaving Your Enemies But Were Afraid To Ask
Gerard Butler’s Guide to Making Love
The Betrayal of Barbus Rex
Master Heavy Metal Chain Organ in Just 21 Days!
1. Handel’s “Meshugana”
or
2. Beauty and the Beast VII: Forte’s Revenge
A Simple Guide to Marriage
by Kristine Anne Scalzi
#1) Intermediate Financial Accounting
#2) The Drew Peterson Story: Man or God?
Unchained Melody (Revised edition)
Kermit Woodall @246: Oddly, that’s how she gets him to finish the books so she can pay the bills.
Id alone: A novel of consequences.
1) The Quest for Chuck Norris’ Beard
2) Big, Pointy, Bearded Teeth
Thor Hungstud and the Erotic Misadventures In The Bisexual Bondage Caverns of Steel McDeath
Old Man’s Gor
That’s okay, I’ll show myself out.
Stanley The Friendly Pipe Organ Makes A New Friend
By Grapthar’s Hammer, I Shall Be Avenged
Bald Man’s War
Stanley The Friendly Pipe Organ Gets A New Pet
By Grapthar’s Hammer, I Shall Be Avenged
Crap. Ignore the first submission.
entry #1: The Scalvi chronicles, part I: Escape from the Chains.
entry #2: The Pipe Organ of Pain and the Singing Slave (cd of greatest hits included!)
A cover for the coffeetable book:
“Political Policy Today”
Suddenly waking, in unusual places:
a collection of short stories.
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Barbarian Slave Porn
“…Kiiiiirk!”
2nd entry: Sovereign Soul
Burninated: The Capture of Trogdor
or
The Chains That Command
#1: Satan’s Hemmorhoids
#2: Isometrics for Demons
#3: The Chains of Madness
#4: The Compleat Guide to Chairing an SF Convention – Abridged
The Chains of Markov
“The Unbearable Tone” – An indepth expose into the use of gothic pipe organs as a torture device in interrogations of Al Qaeda operatives.
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Wedding Planning
Meeting the In-Laws: The No Stress Guide to First Encounters
Diaper Rash
And Then I Woke Up
To Serve Man: Book I — Aging the Meat
Alien Game Show
Chained Bears III
Speaker for the Dead: Rush Limbaugh and the Future of the Republican Party
Can I use this art for my autobiography?
“Dave SMASH!” is the title I had planned on using for that, so I suppose that is my second entry.
WWE 2009 Contestant Listing Directory
Britain’s Got Talent
#279 – Given the expression on the guy’s face, I think it’s more like _Britain Actually Doesn’t Have That Much Talent After All_.
“Anger Management 2: Satan’s Revenge”
or
“Anger Management 2: Pipe Down!”
Chained Music
Sing-A-Long 300, The Novel
#1 Slave to the Gods
or
#2 The war within
a) Happy Birthday, Linda Sue
b) Teenage Enema Bandits
Adventures in Home Cooking Vol. 1: What to do with people who cause your soufflé to fall and other exciting anecdotes..
Farragut, The Other White Meat
How about the illustrated “This is the Song that Never Ends”?
The Sin-dicated TV Chronicles, Volume 3: The Taming of Doctor Phil.
or
101 Blacksmithing Projects For The Serious Hobbyist.
“Revenge of the Cheesemasters”
I dunno, I just want to win an ARC. ;-)
Mine was similar to Persia’s but, what the hell.
My first thought was
Loving Correction
Second thought was
They came for the bearded
#1 Cruel Music And How You Play It
#2 Gothic Sonnets
I’m thinking, “Tarzan and the Lost Follicles of Opar” myself.
Extreme Rendition: The Pipe Organ Pits of G’halog
Enhanced Interrogation Techniques : The Musical
XBox 360: The Missing Manual
Okay, this is not an entry. However… this little bell started tinkling in the back of my head just now… this title is danged familiar:
http://www.sfreviews.net/enginesofgod.html
Well, this book is obviously part of a series… you know, Slave of WrathNor (this book), then Serpent of WrathNor, Ice Queen of WrathNor, etc., and then of course King of WrathNor, featuring that fellow you see in chains there on the Slave of WrathNor cover, only the King of Wrathnor cover shows him with weapons and a crown and big spikes on his shoulders to match the decor.
Hopefully it’s better than that Piers Anthony ‘this man’s life’ series though – I expect it to avoid the politics and have more blood and guts and naked people, which is for the best, really.
@52 twarin. “Unix System Administration Handbook (4th Edition)” is my favorite, so far.
2 more suggestions:
1 Practical Physical Chemistry
2 How to Deal Constructively with Your health Insurer
How to Keep the Man of Your Dreams
The Passionate and Manly Guide to Opera
“No More Toilet Paper Ever”
Title: Rasputin’s Covenant
Alternatively: Nordmen’s Chronicles: Chains of War
–B.
1. Lopsided Cats Dungeon of Pleasure & 24 Hour Catnip Bazaar
2. The Mid-west Girls Guide to Selecting and Keeping the Perfect Mate 5th Edition (Revised)
#1: Beauty and the Beast 3: the de-Beastifying Continues
#2: It’s just the German cover for Agent to the Stars
“Oh John Scazli No!”
My two ideas:
Mercy
Above and Below
Ack, I didn’t read the rulez carefully enough. Can we ditch the “Mandroids” entry, and use the other two?? Oh, woe is me!
John Scalvi in the kingdom of the spider queen
“On an Amulet I Ride”
Britney Comes For You
Adventures in Creative Locksmithing
“For whom the chains hold”
“Beardo, Accounting Extraordinaire!”
Okay, John, here you go. For your amusement, I present:
http://www.marantatech.com/hell.html
and
http://www.marantatech.com/circle.html
Enjoy.
The Complete Lyrics Of Night Ranger: Or How To Break Any Prisoner’s Will To Live.
Wait, can I correct my entry? ‘Cuz it really should be: “I know why the caged bird screams“
“Scalzi on internet grammar and etiquette”
or
“Nerds of the 70’s: a Love Story”
–A Slave to the Music
(the object in the back reminds me of a pipe organ)
–Sacrifice and Betrayal
(I don’t think he’s there willingly)
Wedded Bliss or Unholy Matrimony
“Chains of Freedom”
From Kafka’s “It’s often safer to be in chains than to be free”
You’re Not Fooling Anyone When You Pretend You Photoshop the Covers for Your Books.
John Scalzi on the Internets
Bound with an Iron Chain: How the British Transported 50,000 Convicts to Colonial America
(actual book by Anthony Vaver – http://www.feedbooks.com/userbook/5673)
The Rise of Hooded Justice: A Watchmen Prequel
The quintessential guide to getting your boyfriend to watch a chick flick.
Quasimodo 2025
“How I Proposed to My Wife: An Alien Sex Story”
“A Physician’s Guide to the Treatment of Caffeine Withdrawal”
Sean Connery’s staggering new memoir, of course, “Asphyxiophilia and Me: Kilts Optional”
” Behind the Iron Curtain: Lenin in Chains”
Since I don’t have a chance in hell at winning an ARC, I submit:
Revenge of the Bacon Explosion
and
Why Does Hell Have No Toliets?
Okay I know these two don’t count but this is just too much fun:
Anakin Skywalker: What REALLY Happened
and
Maybe You Should De-Install Vista and Go Back to XP?
“Chaining Your Inner Patriarch: A Feminist’s Guide to Altering the Dominate Paradigm Through BDSM”
Or
“Check your Demons at the Door, or Why You Shouldn’t Steal Demon-Summoning Books”
My Life in the Family Circus by Jeff “Jeffy” Keane
Riffing on your tendency to use PKD titles:
The Man Whose Teeth Were All Exactly Alike- and Pointy!
How Crom got his groove back.
1.) Scenes of Destruction: How Gay Marriage Caused My Divorce and Turned Me into a Masochist Queen
2.) Loinclothes, Beards and Chains: A Beginner’s Guide
#1: Fall of the Witchlocks by Johnathan “Gabe” Gabriel and Tycho Erasmus Brahe.
#2: Failures in Contracts – Case Studies from Professional Wrestling.
#2 Male Waxing: Be Grateful It’s Not A Brazilian
Blood Stains No More: John Scalzi’s Comprehensive Guide to Housebreaking your Demon-Mutant Man.
Year’s Best Scalzi/Wheaton Slash-Fic.
Microsoft Exchange Server 2008 Installation And Administration Guide.
Speaking as someone who *just* finished setting up a new Exchange Server, it seems eerily appropriate.
Judas Unchained
no wait…that’s already taken
The Organ Cage.
“It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time”
Pride and Prejudice and Bondage.
or perhaps
How to Win Friends and Influence People; CIA edition.
The Wheel of Time Enslaved
Loki’s Revenge
“RAAARRRGH!!!”
or:
“How the Republican Party Sees Itself, 2009″
Rough Guide to Organ Tuning
Ronald, the Chained-Up Half-Naked Screamer Guy
Here’s a couple:
Spaaa FONNN!!!!
and
He Was Just an Excitable Boy
“I’m the Decider!”
The Autobiography of George W.Bush
A Graphic Novel
Puppies, Kittens, and Other Adorable Things.
Never Forget the Tampons.
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Tied up in Chains and Screaming His Head off, but Still Hunting Somehow
(I think it’s too hot for me to be clever….)
#1: “Legends of the Lost US Presidents of the 19th Century: Grover Cleveland”, by Rrah the Conqueror, Subterranean Overlord Press, Wah-Shing-Ton, 3298 (Year 34 of the Slug Dominion)
#2: “Guide to Cathedral-Class Weight Lifting”, by Eric the Bulky, Bench Press, Muscle Beach, 1983
Last Chance Harvey
and
Mad Men
Flying rug you should never buy
or
Get rich quick- learn how to promote and sell low level strength potion
“The League of Extraordinary Herculean Gentlemen”, or
“Gothra in Chains.”
How about – “Chained Reaction”
I think JustaTech’s submissions are awesome. Not sure I can compete with those, but here goes:
“The Colorado Inquisition” – The stonework in the background looks a little too sleek for pre-industrial construction, yet has obvious medeival Gothic references. So I am thinking this book is about some post-apocalyptic future where a local theocracy is finding and torturing heretics. On the other hand the setting is dark and dank, so I am thinking somewhere with Mountains – hence, Colorado.
“Rebel and Martyr (Book One of The Bethel Saga)” – Again, with those gothic elements in the background, there has to be an ecclesiastical element to the book, but maybe the guy is an early leader of a rebellion against a theocracy (“Bethel”), and this is the first book of a larger story arc about how he is captured and tortured, but his defiance inspires greater uprisings to be covered in the series’ later books.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the Schadenfreude Pie
Bach to the Future: Fugue State
Red Bull, Absinthe, and the Horrible, Horrible Night That Followed
Maddening Iron Chains: A Garret PI Novel
or
Cry Havoc and Let Loose the Beards of War
Fourteen Love Sonnets for Samhain
Second Entry:
“They Told Me It Was Decaf!”
Manscaping for Heroes, or How To Maintain That Crisp Loincloth Line While Fettered
Main Title: “Chett: The Distraught Gay Vampire”
Subtitle: “And the Many Problems which Arise when your BDSM Partner Dies with the Keys just out of Arm’s Reach”
“500 Days of Gigli”
or
“The Day Preparation H Died”
Cassius From Bondage
Bob Mould: The Complete WCW Scripts
Adventures in Dentistry – Book 2: The Transylvania Years
or
Conan and The Hyborian Medical Co-pay.
Dr. Dictionary’s Johnson; or, The Triumph of Experience Over Hope
“The Slave Organs”
or
“Cry of the Hoopoe”
“SCCAAALLZZIIIII!”
Sybaris Lost
Harry Potter and The Rages of Roids
or
John Scalzi: My Life in Chains
“C is for Chains”
01000010 01100001 01100011 01101111 01101110 00100000 01010011 01101100 01100001 01110110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01000111 01101111 01110010
(It had to be done. Also, I’ve already pre-ordered it…)
Samson and the No-good, Horrible, Very Bad Haircut
“God Slaves of Rage”
or
“Playing the Human Organ: Producing the Best Resonance and Tone”
“Groundhog Day – The Later Years”
or
“The Defiant Basso – A Klingon Opera”
“The Chains You Refuse” or “The Vampire Rasputin.”
2nd entry:
“Ve Haff Ways of Making You talk!”
Brian Blessed: one man’s rampage through the BBC
izanobu@378: Nice Bender impression. Although, When John figures out that is “Bacon Slaves of Gor” (oops did I do that?) he’s gonna hunt you down and beat you to death with a rasher.
Safe, Sane, and Consensual: The Corruption of Mr. Clean
“I Blame the Patriarchy”
“Bound for Love: Gays in Iran”
“What the Democrats Did to God”
Frommer’s Tormentron IV, 5th Edition
Tonight We Dine In Hell: A Guide to Fine Cannibalistic Dining by Gordon Ramsay
Frankenstein: or, The Modern Prometheus by Mary Shelley
The dreadful Merry-go-Round of Post-Victorian Cthulhu
To Decaf or Not to Decaf
(1) The Final Days of Governor Jesse Ventura
(2) Breakin’ III: Satanic Boogaloo
Date Night!
“That’s MY Loc-Nar!”
“STERN!”
Torment of the Fallen
or
Ganesha versus the Monkey King
“Chained Heat”
“Under the Tuskan Statue”
One Austen Adaptation Too Many.
Damn. 400 comments.
“Meatloaf, Again!”
Stealer of Chicken Nuggets
I’m technically stealing this from my ten year old brother, but I don’t think he would mind.
So, without further ado…
From the mind of John Scalzi… we bring you….
“Armpits Ahoy!”
Yeah and there’s four more days to go. Bet you crash the server.
The Truth about Women by Samson
My submittal:
Shel Silverstein Unchained!
Mark Maranta:
My server is WordPress.com. I think I’m fine.
“Four AM, San Francisco”.
“Fiends in Fetters: Tartarus Illustrated Annual Swimsuit Issue”
(that’s my second entry, which hopefully will give my brain permission to think about something else now.)
He looks like a Bob. He doesn’t look like he’s having a good day. And with Mr Scalzi having enjoyed his sojourn in the YA market, this further exploration into the lucrative thickets of juvenile literacy is entirely understandable.
Bob’s Bad Day
Roar, Bob, roar.
See Bob roar….
Bondage in the Cathedral by T.S. Eliot.
Entry 1: Kalliope
Entry 2: Tubular Hells
The Songwriters Legal Guide To Recording Contracts In America
“Sex Symphony: Organ with Chains”
wait for it, it has a sequel.
by the way, that could only be the cover of a Gor book if, well, there were an underground Gor subculture about which I was previously unaware….
“Uncle John Teaches a Bearded Vampire to Play the Pipe Organ… THE WRONG WAY)”
Atlanta Nights by Travis Tea
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A TERRIBLE PLACE
I Met John Scalvi and He Needed a Sedative.
Lord Underbum and the Rubbertooth Devils
Deus In Machina
Czechs in Chains
Wheat-ONNNN!!!!!
Revenge is a dish best served cold: confessions of an author marooned for all eternity covered in velvet. Buried alive, buried alive. . .
Jim Cramer’s Guide to the Economic Downturn; or, Insanely Mad Money
Braveheart II: Tacky Cardio in Space
Damn the Dark, Damn the Light
The Juggler’s Dilemma
Another day at the office. The dentist’s office. In New Jersey.
1. Masochistic, Dominance-Induced Organsm
2. The Chains of Men
Also a request: Can you post a list of the finalists that came close too? Would be nice to know if we were even considered :)
1) Why Don’t You Ever Replace the Toilet Paper Roll When It Runs Out?
Subtitled: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
2) I Was A Teenaged Mutant Space-Vampire In Chains
Steamhünk: The Genemod Years
(Sadly, he’s the wrong pigment for Barry Bonds: My Story)
Your Hate Mail Will Be Bent, Folded, Spindled and Mutilated:
The Second Decade of Whatever, 2009–2019
Introduction by David Blue
matt wilbert @ 345 “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of proper discipline.”
1. The Fourth Chain
2. J. S. Bach oder die Zauberorgel (J. S. Bach or the Magic Organ) – a härd/röck/fäntäsÿ/öpërä -
Vampire Tom Swift and His Atomic Pipe Organ
Angry White Males of Gor
1. The Death Pits of Ur
2. Varangian’s Rage
Chained Melody: the untold story of Fafnir Righteous…
1. Tap Dancing Your Way Into Social Exile
2. Are You There, God? It’s-a Me, Mario.
Revolt on the Machine Planet
or
In the Chains of the Robot Masters
either:
“The fate of all who file their teeth into points”
or
“Angry Prisoners with Broad Shoulders, Vol III”
The Torturer’s Apprentice – Stories From Dick Cheney’s Vault
or
Anger Management for Dummies
“In a world… Without Bacon…”
The Pipe Organ’s Slave
Or possibly – Put That In Your Pipe And Smoke It.
Metropolis II: The Maschinenmenschen Strike Back – A Novelization
or
Projecting: Glenn Beck’s Predictions for America’s Future
The Sound and The Fury
The Holistic Guide To Taking Back Your Colon Health
Your Slave Male Will be Degraded
“Ladies Night at the Rock Hard Strip Club” by John Scalzi (of course)
1. When Good Chains Go Bad
2. Behind Oz’s Magic Mirror
Auntie Maud’s Ettiquette Guide For Refined Young Ladies and Gentlemen (…of Gor)
Atlas Clenched
(for dishonorable mention, for the back cover:
“I wanted to die in my sleep, like the late High Priest, not chained to the organ and screaming, like our God.”)
Would it be excessively cruel to leave a computer logged in to this thread sitting at Maker Faire in San Mateo all weekend?
Just think of the chaos that might ensue…
Bwhahahah
Ruzkin @408 wrote:
Oh, no, that’s a light breakfast. It gets much scarier than that by lunch.
They Asked Letterman to Host the Oscars Next Year?
by Hugh Jackman
2nd submission: “Jayne Ire”
Little Ms Snuffle-buns very first Lair.
Part of the Ms Snuffle-buns subjugates candy land series.
Also, the re-release version, “Little Ms Snuffle-buns very first Lair. A Pop Up Book.”
#1 SPOOOOOON! Subtitle: How the Tick became nigh-invulnerable
#2 The Joy of Transportation Subtitle: Tips and Tricks for using your new Transporter 5000 by Montgomery Scott
The Subterranean Press Guide to Getting and Keeping Hugo Winning Authors
One Hundred Bar Bets You Should Never Make
Santa Claus: Origins
Your Hate Mail Will Be Bent, Folded, Spindled, and Mutilated:
The Second Decade of Whatever 2009–2019
Introduction by David Blue
Sorry that last one was submitted twice, for some reason I couldn’t find it this morning until after I reposted it.
“A Year in the Life of an iPhone Developer”
The Gladiator’s Vigil
The Adventures of Shel Silverstein in S&M Land
Stella!!!!!
My Life as a Man by Carrie Fisher
Enough camp already. Well maybe one more…Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay – Novelization by Sharon Green
How about a REAL book?
Narcissus in Chains by Laurell K. Hamilton
“Sneezing: A Guide”
“Your Troubled Child & The Gorian Military Acadamy – A Parent’s Guide”
1) “The Devil’s Tangent”
The thing does indeed look like a pipe organ. My first thought was “Satan’s Organ”, and immediately after that thought, I chuckled while my brain played “bow chicka bow wow”. “organist” is the guy who plays the organ, and organist doesn’t have any double-entendres to worry about. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound quite as cool. So then I thought “keyboard”, but that’s got too many modern connotations of computer keyboard. So a trip to the thesaurus for keyboard finds that it is “key” as in musical key plus “board” as in a 2×4 piece of wood describing the keys laid out flat. The etymology of “key” in various other languages includes “tangent” in danish, swedish, and norwegian. THe swedish word for “keyboard” is “tangentbord”. But tangentbord has a few too many syllables again. But then “tangent” is something that english speaking people have heard of, and will assume they know the meaning of (going off on a tangent). But then as they read it, there’s this “as you know, Bob” dialogue between two characters that explains the etymology of “keyboard” and eventually the reader gets that “The Devil’s Tangent” is talking about the keys on the Devil’s pipe organ.
I’ll ponder it a bit more and see if I can come up with a second entry.
2) The Devil’s Sacrifice
The dust cover reads something like this:
God sacrificed his son to save the world.
The devil sacrificed (name) to destroy it.
Serious:
By Cathedral Bound
Funny:
I’m Tired Of These M*****-F****** Chains On This M*****-F****** Slave!
Uncle John’s Submission Dungeon Reader
Consumer Reports Special Issue
So you need chains?: We test 23 brands.
_Grandma’s Secret Basement_
“The Three Black Spines of Vengeance”
um….
“Kringor, Warrior Slave”
Dunno who Kringor is, but he looks mean.
Thanks, John!
Lou
Overcoming Addiction: How to Become Lolcat Free in Just 12 Easy Steps!
_Wedgie World_
— Steve
The Judgement of Prometheus
classical allusion, obligatory reference to bringer of fire (technology), use of two cliches in four words.
Reminds me of some of the artwork by Mark Rogers for his Zorachus novels. I’ll call it “Tchernobog’s Prison”.
The Last of the Old Gods
Hauragh’s Judgment
Our Bodies Ourselves: A New Edition for a New Era
Youth Battles Age
This is strangely addicting!
another suggestion:
Ghlaghghee’s Revenge
This is a book cover? Are you sure it’s not the cover of a new ‘Judas Priest’ album?
Fantasy Role-Playing for Adults
“5. Per points 3 and 4 above, if you type in “Bacon Slaves of Gor,” or some such, we will have you killed.”
Gor-slaves of Bacon.
Neener, neener, neeeeeeeeener!
O’Reilly’s Programming Perl 6
“Chains in Heat — Rise of the Mechanical Descendants of Linda Blair”
“Terminal Smackdown– World Wrestling Universe Champion John Connor”
“Pope Innocent in Chains”, by Francis Bacon
Nyaaah!
Burlap Underpants: Misadventures in Monster Wardrobe
Sorry, can’t stop…
Burl Ives: The PCP Years
Extreme Trivial Pursuit: Beginner’s Edition
Citizen Kane: The Guy Ritchie Edit
I know I’ve exceeded my limit and these won’t count, but this is just too much fun…
1. Behind the Mirrored Glass: I’ve Got Your “Fairest Of Them All” Right Here, Lady
2. Too Much Concept: Lighting Techniques for Experimental Theater
3. Mad Max: The Disco Years
A Hissy Fit to End the World – book two of The Tantrum Master series.
Learn to love opera – or die trying.
Herr Doktor JS Bach und die barberisch Conan by Robert Ludwig Steffansohn
Delilah Was Framed: The Truth About Samson and Male Pattern Baldness
#1. Requiem for Steel
#2. Storming the Iron Skies
Add a star-shaped text bubble on the cover, “Now a major motion picture, starring Patrick Swayze and Bruce Willis!” (the 1987 version of these actors.)
The Hunchback of Notre Dame: The Real Story
Strapped In:
The Projectile Benefits of an Ultra High Fibre Diet.
The Organ Grinder
Gordon’s Alive!
(He kinda reminds me of Brian Blessed).
1. How I Almost Nouveau Baroque Free: A Gladiator’s Love of 17th Century Art and Architecture . . . IN THE FUTURE!!!
2. He Wasn’t Glade He Ate Her: 101 Jokes from a Pit Fighter Turned Stand Up Comedian
Doh! “Glade” = “Glad”
Suffer, Jeeves!
Krump the Organ Punk
and other Two-Handed Stories
Guantanamo of the Gods or How Dick Cheney Subverted the Natural Order of the Universe
Seethed Noggin
or
The Dong Genies
Neenermancer
“The Me That They Don’t See” by James Lipton.
The Elements of Free-Fall Trampolining Style by P. J. Plauger.
The Diet of Worms II: Luther’s Wrath
Andrew Sullivan: A Blogger’s Life
Darkrage: Shadowlands of the Vikal Empire
Darkrage of course being the series title assuming this book is the cover for a series.
Otherwise you could just split them up and use either Darkrage or Shadowlands of the Vikal Empire as a standalone title.
Wrath of the Waxed (a PG Porn movie novelization by John Scalvi)
or
Where Are They Now: After the Virus – Bear McCreary’s Story
The Manticors of Oz
The Organ of Doom
Real book: “Dweller in the Mirage”, A. E. Merritt.
Fake book: “I Only Kissed Her”, The Corpse in Scalzi’s Yard.
Yet another disqualified entry but what the heck:
And 0.967117988395% of His Fans Will Think His Name is ‘Scalvi’
“Here I kneel, broken-hearted…”
1. Zoe’s Tale II
2. A Punishment To Fit the Crime
How to Win Friends and Influence People:
A Guide to International Relations
By: George W. Bush
(Foreword and Edited by Dick Chenney)
I’m just amazed that Bill and John will have the time to wade through all of these, ’cause I don’t…
That said, I’m thinking A Rough Guide to S&M. Although a Find tells me I’m not the first to think of the “Rough Guide” angle.
“Know your enemies: A justification for the detention polices of the War on Terror” by Dick Chaney and George W Bush.
“Human Resources Management for Dummies”.
Not a book title but…
“We switched this love-slave’s anal beads with jalepenos. Let’s see if he notices…”
“This Ain’t Sparta!”
#1: My Life in the Shadows: A Memoir by Boo Radley
#2: The Case of the Grumpy Man in the Basement: A Nancy Drew Adventure
1. The Organist’s Prisoner
2. The Beast That Blinded A God
Vainglory’s Rage
He held worlds in chains until the tables were turned and he ended up in chains himself…
‘Have Calliope, Will Grovel’
The Poor Man’s Gastric Bypass: Hypothetical Methodology and Implementation of a Low-cost Alternative to Surgery
Uwe Boll’s Nancy Drew, novelization by Robert Charles Wilson
Who Moved My Cheese, revised and expanded 3rd edition
I am SO disqualified.
‘God’s Little Organ-Equipped Circle of Hell Roughly an Acre in Size.’
and, simply,
‘Up’
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagghhhhhkk
‘All Your Triply-Chained Demons of Gor Are Belong To Us’
Guantonamo Baywatch: The Final Season
“Howling at the Machine”
“Captive of the Machine”
Mark, go to bed…
PLEASE…
“The Power Of Love That I Feel… That You Don’t.”
Feast On My Body
Red Green Blue (Marble): An environmentalist’s guide to using Hellfire.
or
Sweeney Todd’s Apprentice/Model
Okay, technically, this is #3, but I had to bring the old Lit major mojo to the table.
“Do not go gentle in that good night” and other select works by Dylan Thomas. A special limited edition by Subterranean Press. (Rage, rage against the dying of the light!)
ragnarok creation. debated on adding a the.
debated on posting (i’m more of a lurker).
saw the number of entries, nearly ran away. then started reading the entries, and my eyes glazed over at i forget what number. good luck dealing with the massive results of your prompting
“The Rise and Fall of Dick Chain-y”
John I hope you have a week free to read all these!
Or maybe you could add all of these to the extended ‘editors choice’ version of “The God Engines” – in really small print at the back… then we all win… and buy the special edition book to boot!
George, did you ever hear the one about the nurse that wakes the patient up so that he can take his sleeping pill?
Dante’s 10th Circle: Legally Blond Marathon… Forever!
or
Ethical Dilemmas for Amateur Dentists by Charles Manson DDS
“I AM a Republican.”
“Legend of Zelda: A screenplay by John Scalzi written for director Uwe Boll”
I’ve exceeded my limit too but….
Christian Bale’s Anger Management Course
Revenge of the nerds Part XIII
Automatic Cover Generator Instruction Manual
“John Norman goes to Slave Summercamp…Oops!”
for what it’s worth;
“Primal Rage Therapy… and what it can do for you.”
“Hell Hath no Fury like a Drag Queen Scorned.”
” A guide to Punishment for those who mention GOR and Bacon in the same sentence”
tears of the apocalypse
1. Planet of the Robot Sex Slaves
2. Uncle Speedo Goes to the Vet
Chronicles of Riddick: Lord Marshal’s Revenge
or
Conan The Cannibal
“Role Reversal”
Miss Tinsdale’s High Tea Will Not Be Disrupted
or
Frederick Lange, Spokesman, on the Wheel of Karma
Dune Assassin: The Final Prequel
First Entry: E. Power Biggs Heavy Organ, the complete critical guide
The Bake On Chains of the Floor
Slave Masters of Oz
Or…
Altar of Mephistoles
But that’s the Old One from Garth Nix’s Grim Tuesday, of course, right before the automatons blind him.
What Loins the Gods Would Gird
Priapism!: The Final Hour
Bodice, Ripper of Gore
(he’s Italian like Scalzi, so it’s pronounced bō / ‘dēch / ā)
Guess I should have separated those more with another line. They’re two titles, in case that wasn’t clear.
#1:
Fury: An Etude Among the Stars
#2:
Rage: The Music that Steals Mens Souls
*tongue in cheek*
Government Intervention Against the Free Market
Redman Shall Rise Again!
Porkies Gone to Slaughter
The Unrepentant Dentist.
I mean, look at his teeth.
1) Hel’s Oracle (that’s not a typo, but a reference to the Norse goddess of death)
2) The Ninth Circle
Thanks for the preview of the cover, and the chance to win. The cover art is amazing and I can hardly wait to read the book!
The Chains of Wrath
The God Slave
“Slave to my organ”
The Time-Out Room
and
YAWP
to dream perchance to suffer
The Sunburn Organ
or
The Five Billionth Toccata and Fugue in D Minor
1. Dammit, Woman, Uncuff Me!
2. I Am Shatner: KHAAAAAAAAAN!!
If not for Rule #4, I must confess that I would have submitted
Bacon Explosion: The Exit
The secret diaries – Norman submits
Alternatively:
Metamorphosis
Völundarkvitha Revisited: Wayland in Chains
or, somewhat less pretentiously:
It Might Look a Bit Messy Now: The Complete Guide to the Works of Bergholt Stuttley Johnson
Enslaved to the Organ of Time
Adonis bound
Or
Screaming worship
Rhett Butler’s People
CALGONE! Take me away!
The Fashion Police vs. the Loincloth Smugglers of Omicron V
1) This Our Prison Majesty
2) The Master’s Rage Ornate
Shackles of Humanity
or
Fury
The History Channel Presents: Medieval Punishment for Improper Dental Hygiene
OR
Gothic Home Improvement: Room Ideas and More
Sky High Hive in the Ultraviolet Night
by Fred Schneider
this looked like an auction offering to me. The Lions head (hey that’s what I see) above could be the auctioneer.
Instead of white slavers we have Feline space slavers.
1) Offered with No Reserve: Angry Human Male
or…
I also got the angrier he became the more chained he was by his own fury. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry…
2) Primal Rage: Chains of your own making.
The Unchaining of Captain Unshavenface
-or-
Chained Meat for the Organ Grinder
Rage Against the Moustache Farms
or
Handlebar Moustaches, Shaved Heads, Mountainman Beards and Bodywaxing: A man’s guide to the hirsute persuits.
“Mings Cabinet Of Curiosities”
or
“Last Time To See Part II”
2nd entry
The Adventures of Dick Cheney’s Shoulder Angel
Dinnertime in the Slammer
Entries:
1. Denial of Faith
2. The Gate to Vision
Question:
Will the winner be posted here or in a different thread?
WHERE HAVE YOU TAKEN ALL OF MY BODY HAIR?
#110 Very Impressive! Archaic but very fitting!
There Will Be War
(at the risk of getting killed, I almost put in “There Will Be War Due to a Lack of Bacon”)
scalzi’s GM Cars
Dokken
Let there be war!
Hey Ya’ll, Watch This: Hillbilly Practical Jokes Gone Wrong, Vol 3
Sense & Sensibility: Darcy’s Revenge
I was thinking pipe organ also so
Hymnal
(The prequel to Wizard of Oz)
At What Price
(The evolution of exercise machines in post apocalyptic America)
Let Loose the Gods of War…..
“Not Your Old Man’s War”
Quickstart Guide
Karaoke Abs: Death Metal Edition
I was thinking: “Brain Salad Surgery II” but that’s more an album title.
how about: Calliope’s Prisoner
Who Moved My Cheese?, 2018 edition.
A masters in business administration will be a very, very different degree then….
1) Minimum Wage, Maximum Rage: My Life as Scalzi’s Ghost-Writer
2) Big Pharma’s Pictorial Guide to Research Volunteers
1) Chained to My Organ And Other Demonic Marital Euphamisms
2) Hell Organ: The Demon Member
Madness of a Frontman: capturing, detaining, and demystifying metal singers in the 22nd century.
Beyond Reason: a guide for de-programming the dictatorial brutes of Third World planets.
Coping Strategies for Childbirth: Revenge Fantasies
or
Free your subconscious: The Power of the Id
1) None Shall Abide
2) And a Thousand Thousand Shiny Things Lived On, And So Did I.
Threaddamnerrung of the Gods
I thought I would sneak in just under the wire. I’ve actually thought about this for a few days. Ignoring the storyline for the actual cover, you are still left with a few obvious things to incorporate into the title for this competition. The pipe organ is a dead give away. Many factors involved here, religion, music, the pipes rising toward heaven etc…
The chains. Interesting spacing of 10 of the little “CD” things between each anchor point. It makes me wonder if there is not another set behind him, anchoring his legs.
Is he on some type of sled, moving towards his fate, or destiny. Is he leaving the protection of the pipe organ / church. Enraged by the wrongness of his situation, is he crying out in despair?
I don’t know. That is why it is cover art. There are lots of ways to interpret it. As such, I submit the following two titles.
A King Denied
The Last Test
Not in time for the contest but how about
The Organ Grinder’s Monkey
“The Eternal Champion Runs out of Crack”
Thanks very much for taking your time to create this very useful infos
“Hey! You kids! GET OFFA MY LAWN!”