I Now Present to You the Most Masculine Name in the World

It is:

Razorbeef McSlaughter.

I could detail for you the conversation which led to this determination, but allow me to reiterate:

RAZORBEEF McSLAUGHTER.

I don’t think you really have to know the details. The name alone is enough.

84 thoughts on “I Now Present to You the Most Masculine Name in the World

  1. And his sons, Shurikenpork, Daggermutton and the one everyone’s embarassed by, Thumbtacktofu?

  2. I’d have to agree with Staff Sgt Max Fightmaster. It’s badass, and has the added benefit of actually being someone’s name.

    And would Razorbeef McSlaughter be related to Sgt Slaughter in any way? Irish cousin?

  3. If you want to ride out the recession doing phone sex, you’re going to have to come up with a less creepy porn name, or get used to a highly disturbing niche market.

  4. A number of us at a Bouchercon a few years back came up with “Rock Devonshire,” who is, of course, the perfect man with the perfect fiancee, whose name is “Sloan” or “Madison” or some other last name that the rich give their daughters because only they can get away with naming girls after random senior law partners in some firm or another.

    Not that we put a lot of thought into this, mind you.

  5. Craig@10

    I see a great need for breeding program, in the manliest possible way of course. Hmmmm…

    SLAUGHTER SGT. MAX ‘RAZORBEEF’ McFIGHTMASTER (SPACE MARINES).

    …I think it needs more umlauts. Over the ‘Z’.

  6. Hmmm…

    Could this really be some kind of code? Is RAZORBEEF McSLAUGHTER really an anagram for your favorite adult beverage, “A Beach Seltzer Frog Rum”?

  7. Sounds to me like Razorbeef is compensating for something.

    I don’t think you can get more masculine than your traditional, old-school names, like Ogg or Thag.

  8. This reminds me of the MST3K episode where they were listing manly names for the macho space jock protagonist in Space Mutiny. The best one had to be “Big McLargehuge.”

  9. Razoerbeef McSlaughter is a pussy. I heard heard John Scalvi kicked his ass with one arm tied behind his back.

  10. I’m so glad my favorite MST3K got brought up so many times. I think my favorite was “Slab Bulkhead”

  11. While we’re on the subject of masculinity, wasn’t there a time when maturity and restraint were considered masculine traits?

    I saw a bicyle rider get cut off by a car downtown yesterday and unleash a stream of profanity and a rude gesture. There were kids staring at him. I couldn’t help but think that:
    1) he was acting like an idiot child, venting like that, and
    2) we, as a society, expect people to act like that rather than with any modicum of restraint.

  12. I dunno… It sounds a little more elaborate than necessary.

    On the other hand, I’m prejudiced. I once worked with a guy named Ken Savage.

  13. I second the shout out to MST3K’s bit. I also thought of Max Power, simple, effective and you can feel the g’s just pronouncing it. Don’t fear to touch…

  14. As a child of the mid-80s I have to throw my support behind one Conrad “Duke” Hauser.

  15. The greatest non-ironic but laughably masculine name I’ve seen recently is “Nick Cutter”, of BBC’s Primeval.

  16. That does seem to beat out masculine my old favorite. We used to call the guy from those Abs of Steel (or some such workout videos) “Ripped Manly”. It’s been a nice standby when I needed a fake name for an internet form or phone survey.

    However, I do think it rolls off the tongue easier than the multi-syllabic Razorbeef McSlaughter.

    “Hi, I’m Ripped Manly.”

  17. I used to work with a Jack Cannon, and had a customer named Bob Slaughter back in the day. I always thought those two should have started a detective agency…

  18. Too many syllables. One syllable is enough. Defeated enemies should be able to yell your name in a paroxysm of hatred and despair without getting tongue tied.

    e.g. “Khaaaaaaaaan!!!!!”

  19. @ Martin, 49:

    With our powers combined we could make Laser and Razor McBeefslaughter, the Brothers of Excruciation.

  20. How about least masculine?

    Minstral Labrim

    Chauncey Passel Wistenmier

    or

    Lester Blametoss

  21. A friend and I, a long time ago, somehow ended up coming up with a name for the biggest ball busting femme fatale ever. Sinestra Whipstiffie won.

  22. You know, ever since he got horribly sunburned at age 6 on the annual McSlaughter summer vacation to China Beach, his mom has called him “my little roastbeef”. She’s told all of his girlfriends about it, too. But what can he do? She’s his mom (who deliberately married into the McSlaughter family, after all, so is not to be messed with).

  23. All you fans of Space Mutiny need to check out the MST3King of 12 To The Moon. It’s sort of a warmup for the many names of Big McLargehuge;

    Captain Cliff Beefpile, Sledge Riprock, Tank Concrete, Bronc Drywall, Stump Hugelarge, Chunk Pylon, Chunk Manmusk, Captain Ron Codpiece, Sledge Fisthammer, Clint Stompheader, Captain Chuck Hardslab, Chunk Ironchest.

    Also in Hercules vs. The Moon Men (you know the one… DEEP HURTING!) Joel and the bots make up some of their own tough-guy names (at about 40:50) after receiving Alan Steel arm transplants… although Tom “Russ Tile Floor” Servo isn’t very good at it.

  24. John @28: “R.A. Lafferty would love it.” Yes indeed – I’m thinking of his story “Nine Hundred Grandmothers,” which begins:

    Ceran Swicegood was a promising young Special Aspects Man. But, like all Special Aspects, he had one irritating habit. He was forever asking the question: How Did It All Begin?

    They all had tough names excepct Ceran. Manbreaker Crag, Heave Huckle, Blast Berg, George Blood, Move Manion (when Move says “Move,” you move), Trouble Trent. They were supposed to be tough, and they had taken tough names at the naming. Only Ceran kept his own – to the disgust of his commander, Manbreaker.

    “Nobody can be a hero with a name like Ceran Swicegood!” Manbreaker would thunder. “Why don’t you take Storm Shannon? That’s good. Or Gutboy Barrelhouse or Slash Slagle or Nevel Knife? You barely glanced at the suggested list.”

  25. Ah, glad to see I wasn’t the only one who immediatly thought of the “Space Mutiny” episode of Mystery Science Theater 3k…

  26. I agree with PrivateIron (#37) and Homer Simpson…Max Power is extremely masculine. A real man doesn’t need a long, multisyllabic name. Max Power is short, electrifying and awe-inspiring.

  27. Nah, one of my uncles had the most masculine name around. When you are named Fugate Evans you ARE macho. Sort of like a boy named Sue.

  28. Steele Hungstud, Rod Fistpound, and Thor Bloodstone, but none of them beat Tracer Bullet (ah, Bill Waterson, how we miss you).

    Least masculine: Weedon Poindexter, Gaylord Meekwimper, Leslie Smeedle.

  29. OK, I can’t believe no one has brought it up yet:

    Stringfellow Hawke

    You don’t ask a guy with a name like Stringfellow Hawke to fly your secret black helicopter. Why? Because he’s going to steal it. He’s obviously a prototypical American anti-hero for chrisake. He lives in the mountains. He plays the cello. His name is Stringfellow Hawke. He cannot be trusted. He’s not going to use it to execute American foreign policy. He’s going to keep it for himself, which is exactly what you would do.

    Walking out to your backyard every night to stare at it around sunset, the succulent feeling of inner peace and resonant satisfaction would leave you to believe that the perfect haiku has only two syllables: Air-wolf.

  30. I have to disagree with you all. Forget weapons, beef , muscles, and warrior overtones. The most masculine name in the world is obviously “Joe Sixpack”.

  31. Taking a tangent here, but the following (Turkish) name has to be mentioned:

    Oral User

    BTW, none of these names are better than my sister’s -real- name:

    Gun

    (The umlaut changes a lot, doesn’t it? Gün = day)

  32. Ah, anglo manly names…
    Richard ‘Kinky’ “Big Dick” Friedman is a pretty damn fine jewish texan pornstar-wannabe politician manly name. And real, even the nicknames.
    Powers Booth always seemed to live up to his name.
    I know a Thor Sanchez. He’s pretty badass.

    Can’t abide Max since it’s phonetically the same as Macs, and doubles as an androgenous name (Maxine). Whereas MACK is a truck.
    Mack Salami, now there’s a name, with multi-level butcher/gigilo/italianamerican-construction-foreman innuendo even.

    Gunner also makes a great manly name:
    Gunner ‘Stubble’ MacKiltfire is the best pairing.
    Extras at Fight Club: Kong FitzBurly, Manny Hammer, Rotterdam ‘Rotty’ MacGruff, Sledge Powers, ‘Pitfall’ Harry Ford, Sawyer VonCockswain, Steve Tiberius Rex

    Name you’d have to live manly with or else:
    Marion Louge Glasscock

    Manly multiethnic porn name: Jesus Hiro Johnson
    Manly Cowboy: (Marshall) Atticus Hyde Savage

    “You need a boys name, go with Nick. Nick. Nick’s your pal, Nick’s your friend.” -TheSureThing

    But yeah, Razorbeef is pretty damn fine.

  33. Sorry, but anyone with a name like Razor is looking at “Raz” for a nickname, and once you say “Raz,” raspberry can’t be far behind, and there’s nothing at all masculine about raspberries.

    Now, it’s possible Razorbeef McSlaughter don’t need no steenkin nickname, and will kill the first fool who tries to give him one. But if you’re gonna go through life announcing yourself by your entire name of:

    Razorbeef McSlaughter!!

    – you’re gonna have to do so while constantly posing in that wide stance so beloved of superheros and king fu movie characters, which we back home used to refer to as the Crotch Rot (“It burns! It burns!!”) Straddle.

    Which may or may not contribute to the aura of total and extreme masculinity.

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