Sep 08 2009

Previously:
Ahead:

The Abject Holy Terror Of Night Ranger, or, a Contest

Published by John Scalzi at 10:55 am

The video, I think, explains it all:

For reasons that are simply too terrifying to detail now, except to say DIE BILL SCHAFER DIE, I am cursed to wear this Night Ranger shirt for the rest of the day. The picture below explains how I feel about this:

It burns! It burns!

Nevertheless I must endure.

AND, this does offer me an opportunity to run a contest. If you would also like to illustrate the sort of existential pain I am going through at the moment, here is a green screen version of me terrified in my t-shirt, for your Photoshopping pleasure. Please do what you will to the image, and then link to your versions of me in Night Ranger T-Shirt Hell in the comment thread. I’ll pick the best, and the winner gets a Signed Limited Edition of The Last Colony, direct from Subterranean Press (who has a shipping department, i.e., you don’t have to rely on me to send it, i.e., it will actually get there). The contest runs through 11:59 (Eastern) Thursday evening, and I’ll announce the winner on Friday.

If you want to play but don’t want to use that picture, use any other picture you like, but your final image must include both me and Night Ranger in some way, shape or form. Yeah, the possibilities are endless, and unspeakable.

Good luck, have fun and in the meantime: The horror. THE HORROR.

80 responses so far

80 Responses to “The Abject Holy Terror Of Night Ranger, or, a Contest”

  1. # Christopheron 08 Sep 2009 at 10:59 am

    Is that the official attire of the Night Ranger Legion?

  2. # rabid_androidon 08 Sep 2009 at 11:17 am

    No! Unfortunately I suffer from The Night Ranger effect. Even the mention of the band causes “Sister Christian” to get stuck in my head.

    Currently the only known cure is massive amounts of quality music…

    Thanks…

    Rabid

  3. # hugh57on 08 Sep 2009 at 11:24 am

    Did he use the Dwarven Coke Torture to get you to wear that shirt?

  4. # sarawron 08 Sep 2009 at 11:34 am

    My pre-coffee humor and ’shop skills leave something to be desired, but I just couldn’t resist.

  5. # hugh57on 08 Sep 2009 at 11:40 am

    By the way, you do know that Night Ranger will be opening for Journey for ten shows starting on Sept. 15th?

    Got your tickets yet?

  6. # eviljwinteron 08 Sep 2009 at 11:47 am

    Why does seeing that picture set “Communication Breakdown” running through my head?

  7. # Chrison 08 Sep 2009 at 12:07 pm

    Yes! Sarawr gets “Touchdown Jesus” into the mix! That image has WIN written all over it.

  8. # Kiranon 08 Sep 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Man. Maybe it’s just too early in the morning, but I have no idea where to begin on this.

    Perhaps inspiration will strike after some chocolate.

  9. # Christopheron 08 Sep 2009 at 12:24 pm

    I have one that I made using my lack of Photoshop skills. The internet at work is wonky so I may have to wait until I get home.

  10. # Newberryon 08 Sep 2009 at 12:30 pm

    I apparently mis-interpreted the proposal, but I’ll dump this here anyway.

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/12439715@N03/3900170425/

  11. # sarawron 08 Sep 2009 at 12:37 pm

    Bahahaha. Well-played, Newberry — hellishly relevant.

  12. # John Scalzion 08 Sep 2009 at 12:42 pm

    Newberry:

    No, I think you got it.

  13. # Scott Spiegelbergon 08 Sep 2009 at 12:43 pm

    Newberry, I don’t know if that is what John is looking for, but I loved it! I may have to print out a large scale version to put on my office wall. And this is where I admit that it was watching Night Ranger videos that made me realize that A) there was a difference between bass guitars, solo guitars, and rhythm guitars; and B) that the bands were NOT really performing during the videos.

  14. # Christopheron 08 Sep 2009 at 12:47 pm

    Newberry: Awesome!

  15. # Brandonon 08 Sep 2009 at 12:53 pm

    Well, after seeing Newberry’s contribution, I set my Photoshop disc on fire and threw it in my garbage disposal.

  16. # hugh57on 08 Sep 2009 at 12:55 pm

    In honor of the upcoming Night Ranger/Journey Tour, I offer this.

  17. # Christopheron 08 Sep 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Finally got mine uploaded. For someone who never used Photoshop before, I don’t think I embarrassed myself.

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/33506435@N05/3901029972/

    http://homepage.mac.com/zizban/scalzinr.jpg

    I put two links up because I don’t think my dot Mac account is working real well today.

  18. # DouglasGon 08 Sep 2009 at 1:10 pm

    Zombies? That’s nothing! http://blog.lib.umn.edu/deg/campfire/images/ScalziNightRanger.jpg

  19. # Tim Boergeron 08 Sep 2009 at 1:20 pm

    Uh-oh, I think I see more Night Ranger t-shirts (or other appropriate bands like Winger or Great White) in your future. This could be some ploy to build your wardrobe around detached irony.

    I also think Newberry should win one internet for the photoshop.

  20. # Kelseyon 08 Sep 2009 at 1:32 pm

    If the writing thing doesn’t pan out, you could always star as a B movie actress.

  21. # Brian Mon 08 Sep 2009 at 1:35 pm

    First attempt:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/brianmusgrave/3900291365/

    Then I read the rules.

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/brianmusgrave/3901144558/

  22. # Steve Buchheiton 08 Sep 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Well, I’m in.

  23. # John Scalzion 08 Sep 2009 at 1:39 pm

    You know, as long as you have me in the T-shirt, Night Ranger is also in the picture. It’s only when you choose a different picture that you have to make sure both elements are there.

  24. # Steve Buchheiton 08 Sep 2009 at 1:41 pm

    Okay, I’m in.

  25. # Fertanishon 08 Sep 2009 at 1:57 pm

    It is a very clever shirt, actually, building on their genre-breaking early hit with a play on words that demonstrates that they are, indeed, rockin’ America. There is a very Dan Brown-ish artistic method there, building on an extended theme some 25 years later that really makes you wonder what messages they were hiding in their early tunes.

    I’m thinking this is only the beginning of a wealth of revelations.

  26. # PixelFishon 08 Sep 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Dammit, Scalzi, I am SUPPOSED to be packing for my move. Not photoshopping you. But how can I resist such a contest! I can not. (And I already have a glorious idea.)

  27. # bionichandson 08 Sep 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Wow that Night Ranger video was pretty awesome. You CAN still rock in America!

    Why was their drummer wearing a dashiki? Why do I know that guitar player is named Brad Gillis?

    Scalzi should have to wear Jack Blades’ incredible shoulder pad jacket for a day atop his night ranger shirt. I’m fairly sure it absorbs laser fire.

  28. # Newberryon 08 Sep 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Thank you for the complements, and while I appreciate the offer of an internet, I already waste enough time on the one I’ve got.

  29. # LizrdGizrdon 08 Sep 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Scalzi’s true terror:

    http://bit.ly/atJL9

  30. # Jimbobon 08 Sep 2009 at 2:45 pm

    I’m wondering why nobody came rushing into the office to rescue you from the attacking shirt. Were the screams of agony similar to your ‘normal’ working/writing noises?

  31. # Marko Klooson 08 Sep 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Jimbob @29,

    rough guess: wife at work, daughter in school, cats and dog are desensitized/don’t care.

  32. # Marko Klooson 08 Sep 2009 at 3:09 pm

    Also, newberry’s Photoshop skillz are phearsomely leet.

  33. # Christopheron 08 Sep 2009 at 3:31 pm

    I looked at Newberry’s and I thought “I’m worthy” but entered anyway.

  34. # MarkHBon 08 Sep 2009 at 3:47 pm

    You know I’ve described you as “This generation’s Heinlein”? You know that? I’ve said that to my friends. To my loved ones. To people who care about me, and trust me to guide them through a hostile and uncertain world.

    And you pull shit like this.

    *pinches bridge of nose and sighs deeply*

  35. # Brandon N. Schoryon 08 Sep 2009 at 4:55 pm

    What a wonderful way to kill some time:

    http://www.brandonschory.com/images/whatever/night_ranger_scalzi.jpg

  36. # GVDubon 08 Sep 2009 at 5:12 pm

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/gvdub/3901791860/

    If it’s in keeping wif the sit-yoo-ation.

  37. # GVDubon 08 Sep 2009 at 5:30 pm

    I also used to talk to Jeff Watson fairly frequently when he was endorsing a couple products of a company I worked for. Nice guy, and a heckuva guitar player.

  38. # Edward Cheeveron 08 Sep 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Wow. Just Wow.

  39. # Brian Johnsonon 08 Sep 2009 at 6:28 pm

    In space…

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/sigsci/3901236617/sizes/o/

  40. # Freelance Unboundon 08 Sep 2009 at 6:30 pm

    The horror. The horror.

  41. # Jonathan Croweon 08 Sep 2009 at 6:40 pm

    Possibly not in the best of taste, but I went there:

    http://www.mcwetboy.com/etc/scalzi_abject.jpg

  42. # Jeff Hentoszon 08 Sep 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Scalzi meets my current favorite TV stars in an episode of Not the Venue!

  43. # mensleyon 08 Sep 2009 at 9:25 pm

    John awakes from the nightmare that Night Ranger forces him into the most evil possible devil’s three-way:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/68165785@N00/3902499882/sizes/o/

  44. # Bobon 08 Sep 2009 at 9:42 pm

    I don’t do photo shop. I have no talent in that department.
    Hey, John, that office chair looks just like the one I have! Did you get your at fry’s? My was a birthday gift. Sheer hell getting but I love my chair.

  45. # Mikeon 08 Sep 2009 at 9:49 pm

    There are so many things wrong with that vid. I don’t even know where to start. I’m so glad I didn’t hit puberty till after the 80’s.

  46. # George William Herberton 08 Sep 2009 at 10:02 pm

    An Extremely Bad Day on Planet Scalzi:

    http://www.retro.com/employees/gherbert/AnExtremelyBadDayOnPlanetScalzi_2mr.png

    ( higher res, but please don’t kill my DSL line everyone: http://www.retro.com/employees/gherbert/AnExtremelyBadDayOnPlanetScalzi_2.png )

  47. # zakuron 08 Sep 2009 at 10:30 pm

    OH HAI. I CAN HAZ CONTEST ENTRYS?

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/zakur/3901871905/

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/zakur/3902650372/

  48. # Alexon 08 Sep 2009 at 10:31 pm

    He could still use a shirt but I have too much homework.

    http://lh5.ggpht.com/_u8TqhiytiG8/SqcRrstv_lI/AAAAAAAANeE/8Py3zRVucCw/s512/godeng3.jpg

    But at least know we know why that guy was in chains, and what scalzi looks like when his razor breaks :D

  49. # Steve Burnapon 08 Sep 2009 at 11:04 pm

    Ok, I pretty much suck at photoshop, but here goes:

    http://www.burnap.net/Scalzi.jpg

    (We’ll have to pretend the Harmonix people have actually gotten to Night Ranger.)

  50. # Kelsonon 08 Sep 2009 at 11:17 pm

    Oh, the time has come…

    http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2499/3902043901_21582d04f4_o.jpg

  51. # Suzanneon 08 Sep 2009 at 11:30 pm

    Well. This will probably get someone mad at me, but hey.

    http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3418/3902867052_0418f080ec.jpg

  52. # Steve Burnapon 08 Sep 2009 at 11:30 pm

    Wait…added a mike: http://www.burnap.net/Scalzi2.jpg

  53. # cyanon 08 Sep 2009 at 11:54 pm

    Wait…. is that drummer wearing a caftan????

  54. # Alan Kelloggon 09 Sep 2009 at 12:58 am

    Isn’t this about the time the words “ispep teid” starts appearing on the wall in congealing Coke Zero?

  55. # Nargelon 09 Sep 2009 at 1:20 am

    With the burning surfboard in the background, makes ya wonder if there is a Beach Boys tie in. :)

    (Yes I know what it is. Work with me people.)

  56. # Natalieon 09 Sep 2009 at 1:29 am

    Oh my… the shirt seems to be attracting something… aaaiieeeeeee! Run, Scalzi, RUN!!!
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/nmetzger/3902364307/

  57. # Rabid_Androidon 09 Sep 2009 at 4:29 am

    Video killed the sci fi star….

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/bmatzke/3903439552/

    Not my best work but I am out of practice (and I tried doing this in GIMP rather than a less legal version of PS).

    Rabid

  58. # Gregon 09 Sep 2009 at 5:33 am

    Damnit, John, I don’t have photoshop on my computer! The Iowa City floods conspired to shut down the library’s media center before I could [steal it] take full advantage of my grad school education…

    Newberry’s is pretty awesome, but I gotta love mensley @42’s contribution as well.

  59. # Mikoon 09 Sep 2009 at 7:05 am

    What is a “night ranger” anyway, apart from an illegal dual class?

  60. # Scotton 09 Sep 2009 at 8:34 am

    “you don’t have to rely on me to send it, i.e., it will actually get there)”

    In Cowardly Lion voice: “ain’t it the truth?”

    Of course, I DO wish I had half your life, so I guess I’ll have another slice o’ cheese with my wine.

  61. # MarkHBon 09 Sep 2009 at 8:59 am

    Huntin’ Season!

    http://www.imaginetix.co.uk/Images/runjohnnyrun.jpg

    And just in case the Squirrel Thing hadn’t fully played out yet:

    http://www.imaginetix.co.uk/Images/Squirrellzi.jpg

  62. # The Mad Hatteron 09 Sep 2009 at 10:46 am

    My two tries are here:
    http://booktionary.blogspot.com/2009/09/scalzis-abject-holy-terror-of-night.html

  63. # Dirty Wizard Hunteron 09 Sep 2009 at 12:00 pm

    #24, Steve wins the contest hands down . . . That’s frisk’n hilarious!

  64. # Another Lizon 09 Sep 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Best I can do: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ammitnox/3904308346/

  65. # Another Lizon 09 Sep 2009 at 12:12 pm

    Okay, MarkHB, Squirrelzi is awesome.

  66. # RobWon 09 Sep 2009 at 1:18 pm

    Here’s my entry:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/47927203@N00/3904474620/

    Hope it amuses you all.

  67. # Christopher Turkelon 09 Sep 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Scalzi, you have some of the funniest and talented fans.

  68. # GaryGon 09 Sep 2009 at 5:41 pm

    http://img268.imageshack.us/img268/2818/scalzipz.png

    There’s only one suitable punishment for wearing a shirt like that.

  69. # Ouiselon 09 Sep 2009 at 5:45 pm

    Is anyone else getting, instead of a shoppable image, a screen requesting that they log in to Yahoo followed by a screen demanding that they create a Flickr account? My willingness to waste time in Photoshop on inanities is being eroded by the inanities encountered en route.

  70. # lee son 09 Sep 2009 at 6:09 pm

    @69, I am also, both from John’s original link and once in a while from other folks links.

  71. # mcombson 09 Sep 2009 at 6:31 pm

    RUN JOHN! http://need-ads.com/sarashootsscalzi.jpg

  72. # Mollyon 09 Sep 2009 at 7:19 pm

    Ta-da! http://tinyurl.com/evolution-scalzi

  73. # Pam Adamson 09 Sep 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Molly,

    Your link isn’t working.

  74. # Mollyon 09 Sep 2009 at 8:39 pm

    (Thank you, Pam!) Maybe this URL will work better. http://tinyurl.com/scalzi-evolve or the super-long ugly URL is http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/76pg4wR82ioiAjzo-m6BXw?authkey=Gv1sRgCMmF29aimOqtdg&feat=directlink

  75. # Daveon 10 Sep 2009 at 12:23 am

    Somebody had to go there eventually….

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/wwend/3906019354/

  76. # PixelFishon 10 Sep 2009 at 1:01 am

    Okay, Scalzi fulfills his purpose as an object lesson to those who are lost and know not which way they are headed:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/pixelfish/3905384259/sizes/o/

  77. # Christopher Hawleyon 10 Sep 2009 at 2:20 am

    It truly astounds me that, amidst all the foofooraw, one question has gone unasked:

    John, what was the nature of the bet between yourself and Bill Schafer which (presumptively) you lost that required your wearing of the N.R. shirt for a day?

    Curious in CA,
    Chris

  78. # Ghakion 10 Sep 2009 at 4:30 am

    John Scalzi and Knight Rider, right?

    http://gerald.kalafut.org/images/contest/scalzi_knight_ranger.jpg

  79. # MarkHBon 10 Sep 2009 at 12:54 pm

    *writes Ghaki a cheque for One (numerals, 1) Internet*

  80. # bynraon 25 Sep 2009 at 1:34 am

    Once I saw that shirt, all I could think of was the 80’s. Plenty of abject terror there!

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/42869574@N07/3952664084/in/photostream/

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/42869574@N07/3951922399/in/photostream/

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