Watermelon Is Not Supposed to Look Like Marbled Beef

Which is why we ended up not eating this particular watermelon after we sliced it open. It also smelled a bit off, which added confirmation to our decision, but, really: Creepy animal flesh-looking watermelon was a “do not consume” item as soon as we cut it open. We all feel good about this decision.

88 thoughts on “Watermelon Is Not Supposed to Look Like Marbled Beef

  1. Noooo! You’ve killed the next perfect step in Evolution – the Meat Melon! My dream of growing flank steak in my veranda garden is dashed!

  2. Maybe it’s a genetically modified plant that escaped from an experimental farm. It kind of looks like a cross between a turtle and a tomato.

  3. Mutant watermelons. “It Came from Ohio.”

    Definitely a Tim Burton movie, with score by Danny Elfman.

    I suppose the next logical step is to genetically engineer a cow to get beef that looks like watermelon. No seeds, please.

  4. Ick. Gross. Yuck. That being said, watermelon in December? I’ve never seen watermelons in the grocery store at this time of year. Or is that picture left over from the summer?

  5. That is so sickly fascinating….
    or do I mean fascinatingly sick?
    Either way, though, it’s a pic to save for the Photo Cabinet of Things That Ain’t Right.

  6. Soon: a blog post will appear on another site, saying how rude you are to this watermelon, and how you saying you don’t want to eat it belittles everyone who WOULD eat it.

    It will go on to say that maybe YOU can eat nothing but good watermelon, and goody for you, but other people have to build up their immune systems by eating spoiled ones first. They have to have “eating bad watermelon” credits before they’re allowed to eat good watermelon.

    No matter how many times you tell them they can eat good watermelon whenever they want, they’ll just say over and over that you’re trying to crush their dreams.

  7. Xopher, you kill me! I’m always going to get Pro scale melons.

    By the way, you’ll need to add Chile to the list.
    I bought a small Chilean melon last week which was just fine.

  8. I’m going to have to go with Xopher and Shane on this one. Buying watermelon in December was clearly mistake #1.

  9. I don’t know why, but that photo reminds me of diagrams of the human heart. Which, in turn, makes me think of Poe: “here, here! — it is the beating of his hideous heart!”

  10. Jeff @ 31 -

    “I’m always going to get Pro scale melons.”

    Out of context sentence of the day.

    Also, +1 on the “ew” roster.

  11. Yeah, December+Watermelon=Double Plus ungood.

    I saw mine years ago, and “that ain’t right” immediately leapt from my mouth.

  12. “Creepy animal flesh-looking watermelon was a “do not consume” item as soon as we cut it open. We all feel good about this decision.”
    ~J.S.

    What? Have you even taken a moment to consider how the watermelon must feel? Here it is, maybe just a little past its prime but still green and tender on the outside. It sits patiently amongst its brethren at the market, waiting for someone to come along and notice its striking emerald hue, and say, “That is a watermelon worth bringing home to my family.”

    Imagine the thrill of quiet pleasure it feels when you set it on the carving board. Imagine how it must feel, knowing that it has been chosen above all others, and is about to fulfill its sole purpose in its melony existance. Imagine, if you will, the shiver of anticipation when you caress its soft flesh as you reach for the carving knife. Holding it in place with one hand, you raise the blade and begin to cut slowly but firmly though its tender rind. Joy. Ecstasy. Finally, finally someone has come to appreciate it and care for it in ways that no one has ever before. It will be able to achieve that which every melon desires; to be consumed.

    But the knife stops. And then what? Rejection? Horror? Suddenly it sees you backing away with something akin to mortal fear in your eyes. The knife has fallen limp in your hand. Why has he stopped? The melon asks. Has this all been a ruse? Were you just toying with its emotions? Were you carrying it along for nothing more than laughs while it was driven eagerly from the market? And now the family is here, watching from a distance. They are at once intrigued and horrified by what they see, and cannot look away. The melon feels that it is now little more than a circus sideshow act, since even the cat seems to be keeping its distance. And then you are gone, into the pantry to find a trash bag.

    But the melon cannot beg you for amnesty, cannot ask you to partake of its juicy goodness. Its dreams are shattered. Never will it know the joys and wonders of nourishing you and your kin, for you have forsaken it. It is less than trash in your eyes. It is compost.

    HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?!

  13. @1 That’s exactly what it looks like. Tuna sashimi.

    @9 No, people hate the Red Matter because JJ, rather than seeing Alias to a logical conclusion, killed it in its teenage years and didn’t properly rid his creative system of Rambaldi’s Red Matter, so he had to reuse it. …ooh, was that my *rabid bitter fan* voice again?

    @16 Florida Ag lists watermelon as, amazingly enough, being in season in December, IIRC. I think it’s a Plant City greenhouse miracle of technology myself…

    @38 *applause* Well done, sir.

  14. My genetically-manipulated produce senses are tingling! O.o

    Well, not really, but man… that is just…. Well…

    I think if I keep typing I just might not throw up right now. Switching pages now. Sorry i cant stick around longer, but… urg… *runs away*

  15. Did you by any chance purchase this from a disgruntled former employee of the top secret agricultural genetic research station known colloquially as “Farm 51″?

  16. My first thought was it must be some kind of weird Japanese sex toy. Just can’t keep my mind out of the gutter no matter how hard I try. Calling them “meat melons” didn’t help either.

  17. What’re you talking about?! A little A1 sauce and you’d be set.

    Backup joke:

    Either the inside of that watermelon is way too brown, or the outside of that filet mignon is way too green.

  18. Mike @ #6, with that in mind, I say, “Nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

    That easily beats the funky-looking apple I found at WaWa.

  19. @44

    Do you have a recipe for pickled watermelon pulp? I only have them for watermelon rind and thus throw most of the watermelon away when I make watermelon pickles.

  20. Anyone else who might be thinking about doing an unfiltered Google Image Search for “Beef Melons”…I wouldn’t recommend it.

  21. This watermelon was probably fine in August or whenever it was picked.

    Before throwing it out, I would have dropped something between the lobes to see what happened. Maybe a slice of raw bacon. If the “melon” started chewing, then you would have a real problem there. And the inspiration for a bad movie.

  22. Watermelon in December? Sorry but that’s just weird. Watermelon is a summer thing, eating watermelon in December is like roasting a turkey & stuffing for July 4.

  23. Come on, John! You should have cut the meat out of that melon and thrown it on the grill! Maybe this is the next big food discovery, and you threw it away, man!

  24. Of course watermelon isn’t supposed to look like marbled beef. It’s supposed to look like bacon.

    (Actually, I’m surprised someone hasn’t already used this line.)

    You know, you might have a new ad slogan here: “Watermelon — The Other Red Meat.”

    And I have to agree with what someone said earlier — you have to find a way to get this in SG:U.

  25. I had a craving for watermelon recently, and our baby melon from California was just fine. Sure glad you didn’t eat this one, though.

  26. Scalzi, I told you not to plant that garden on top of that ancient Indian burial ground. Meat watermelons are so 1980s.

  27. That is handy. Yesterday my four-year-old suggested we bring some watermelon to a party today, and I said we shouldn’t do that at this time of year. Now when she asks “Why?” I can send her this link.

  28. i literally LOL’d at JD Finch. Goatse + anything = hilarity. you could also say that watermelon has been “meatspin’d” or would that be “meatspun”?

    that truly is an unholy creation, only put on this earth to trap and dispose of souls. CAST IT INTO THE SEA!!

  29. Aw, it’s kind of like cracking an egg into a pan and having an undeveloped embryo plop out.

    You didn’t see anything scurry away when you cut it open, did you?

  30. Wait ’til midnight, feed it, and see what happens. You might want to have a bat (or flamethrower) on hand… just in case. That’s one unhappy watermelon.

  31. can’t help myself, but this looks absolutely delicious to me. that is, of course, without having smelled it. and i guess, the smell would send me ralphing like a pelican.

  32. This is a melon for winning a food fight with. Of course, the strange smells might mean you’d want to use gloves. The fact that it might put people in the hospital if they got it in their mouth isn’t necessarily great either, or that it might turn them into melon-pod people.

    Delicious, delicious melon-pod people.

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