Why I’m Totally Having Ham Today

Because turkeys are crazy, y’all.

If you’re in the US, happy Thanksgiving; this is traditionally where I’d list some of the things I’m thankful for but to be honest I’m thankful about so many things it would probably be easier just to list the things I’m not thankful for, and who wants to read that sort of depressing list on a holiday? No one.

If you’re not in the US, enjoy your Thursday (or, I guess, early Friday, depending on where you are), and I’ll catch up with you all tomorrow, because today I’m jamming several tens of thousands of calories down my throat and that will take up all of my time. Later.

18 thoughts on “Why I’m Totally Having Ham Today

  1. Happy Thanksgiving, John.

    I’m going to have turkey AND ham!
    and pie..
    and cookies..
    and green bean casserole…
    and more pie…

    and then I shall sleep till Saturday…

  2. Smoked two turkeys and pork roast yesterday.

    Today is a good day to eat.

    As for being thankful, man am I glad I live in the first world, middle class future. Teh intertubes ROCK!

  3. My dad said his uncle in West Virginia used to keep turkeys on his farm. There was a big tom that my dad and his sister and brothers used to like to tease until they realize turkeys really are vicious. Domestic turkeys are meaner than wild turkeys (which can fly and pretty much ignore you or redecorate your car if they’re so inclined and loose-boweled.) Domestic turkeys can only run, peck, and screech. And they do, often frightening even battle-hardened Marines sometimes. My dad and his sibs soon were afraid of this winged spawn of Satan. However, his uncle soothed their fears one Thanksgiving by inviting the bird to dinner.

    Dad said it was kinda stringy for a Thanksgiving turkey.

    Happy Turkey Day! And while you’re chowing down on ham, John, just remember what Thomas Harris figured out about pigs. They’re also pretty crazy if you egg them on enough.

  4. John, I think you’ve been properly thankful for everything you have through the rest of the year. We can look the other way if you don’t want to list them all again today.

    And if anybody wants to watch ex-Marines and athletes go mano a la garra against turkeys and pigs instead of football, let me know and we’ll pitch a show idea to Discovery Networks.

  5. If you are concerned about your turkeys then we here in the UK can help. We don’t celebrate thanksgiving so we wouldn’t eat them this weekend. We’ll keep them all well housed and incredibly well fed, and on christmas we’ll make sure they are in a warm family place.

  6. Dude… Turkeys are totally crazy. I remember when I was living in Connecticut there was a rafter of turkeys that roamed the parking lot at the company I was working for. Those bastards would stalk and chase people to their cars. And they will definitely go for your eyes.

    What’s even worse? Most people don’t even realize, but wild turkeys can fly. Crazy death from above. Well, over very short distances.

    So, later on, remember to thank me when the turkeys are outside your house waiting to exact revenge for their fallen brethren and you remember to check the skies for the diving, screeching Butterball of death.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  7. Non-wild, free-range turkeys can fly too! My friend raises a small number of (christmas) turkeys for friends and families – they taste delicious, but a low flying turkey appearing over the garden wall is – startling!

    Happy Thanksgiving, John and all Americans

  8. I saw a friend of mine from England yesterday… I said ” what are you doing tomorrow for Thanksgiving?”

    he said “we’re getting together with some of the family to have a big meal and do the usual ‘American’ thing”

    I then said (as I realized that Thanksgiving is not celebrated anywhere else) “oh, that’s right, you’re from England… what do you do ‘over there’ ?”

    he said, with a smirk, “we don’t do anything… we Brits have nothing to be thankful for”…

    well, it seemed funny at the time… I guess ya’ had to be there…..

  9. I guess an English Equvalent would be either St George’s Day 23rd April or Guy Fawkes/Bonfire Night 5th November but neither are as big as thanksgiving or involve a family meal so not so close after all.

  10. Ok, here’s something for everybody else to be thankful for — you’re not me! I fell down Wed. afternoon and mashed my right wrist into smitheroonies, and spent Thanksgiving in surgery, and then in quite a bit of pain,nausea, and bloody annoyance. My Thanksgiving dinner was chicken broth and orange jello. And I’ve only been retired for 3 weeks, dammit. This was NOT the plan…

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