So, I’m busily writing away on my newest book, the one that should be out sometime in 2012. And I just wrote a character whose name is currently “Lieutenant Merkel,” for no good reason than because for that second I was thinking about Germany. But I don’t really like the name for the character, so I figured, hey, why not have a contest, the winner of which will get to have his or her name replace that of Merkel’s?
Why not indeed.
So, a contest! The winner of which will have his or her name replace that of Merkel’s. Now, before you enter, here’s what you need to know:
1. Merkel/You is a bit player, but of generally good character;
2. Merkel/You may or may not live to see the end of the story. Because if someone has to die, I need to work with what I have on hand.
So you need to be cool with the fact there’s a chance I might kill “you” off. But if I have to I’ll try to have it be, like, heroic and all. But no promises. If it makes sense for the story to have you ingested by voles, I’ll be doing that. Because, hey, man. I’m an artist.
To acclimate yourself to the concept of death, that will be the theme of the contest.
For the contest, write a haiku from the point of view of some who is either about to die or has just died, from one (or more!) of the following:
1. A spider monkey or monkeys;
2. LASERS
3. Poor GPS directions
4. And, of course, Spontaneous Human Combustion.
So, for example:
I’m really amazed
Who knew that spider monkeys
Enjoy human snacks?
or
Did you know humans
Smell like bacon when they fry?
Just found out myself!
Got it? Excellent.
Rules!
1. One haiku per person. So make it good.
2. “Haiku” in this case means a poem in 5/7/5 syllable configuration. You don’t need to make a seasonal reference.
3. All entries have to be in by 11:59:59pm Eastern, Sunday, January 16, 2011.
4. If you win, the name used will be your last name. The person using your name may or may not be of your own sex/nationality/creed/sexual predilections, etc. You won’t be able to substitute anyone else’s name.
And there you are. Drop your entries in the comment thread.
Good luck!
O laser-wielding
Spider monkeys; now I broil.
Recalculating…
an Ice shark you say!
what the hell is an ice shark?
Oh my god, LASERS!
Glitchy GPS.
The voice told me to turn right.
In the wasteland, I wait…
Required obvious usage of all components:
Damn spider monkeys;
Their GPS has led us
Into lasers – foom!
For clarity’s sake: that’s “O” as in “Oh.”
Garmin lied to me
This monkey pit ain’t Dennys
Their lasers burn, bad
Spider monkeys here.
They have lasers, quite angry.
This is not Bradford.
A Strong man is dead.
Collapsing deep crag drops,
the time to escape death.
Long limbs, sharp teeth, claws,
Fierce hungry spider monkeys
Rip my skin and flesh.
How was I to know
“Turn left in 500 feet”
Was last year’s update?
GPS broken,
Something blue in front of car
Splash, glub glub, glub glub.
Laser beam got me
Bright red light, intense heat ray
Human soul on fire
Sheesh. Spontaneous
human combustion is not
even possib– BOOF!
Spider monkey lair?
THAT weren’t on my GPS!
And they got LASERS?
Off the map again,
Though a thousand feet too high.
The canyon is grand . . .
I did always hope
My last moments would be spent
Somewhat coherent.
I will kill you all
you LASER Monkeys of Death
will burn with me now
I will soon combust
from L.A.S.E.R.S. aimed at my head
by damned dirty apes!
Monkeys. Surrounded.
Laser is two blocks away.
Is it hot in here?
Cherry blossom light
Colors my dying eyes, from
laser wielding voles
November 16?
Gunpowder laced snacks,
Secretly fed while sleeping.
If only he smoked.
In bad neighborhood
The monkey gangs have ray guns
Way to go, Tom-Tom
Lasers as weapons
Don’t make much sense but they do
work well against hearts.
If I schedule a
Time to burst into flames, is
It spontaneous?
In the Underworld,
Can GPS help me leave?
Just says, “Don’t look back.”
Flash – Ah! Ah! Tom-tom
Led us to Spider Monkey
Lair – Their Lasers BURN!
Blindly following
This device that suggested
“drive straight” to Rome. Fuck.
The monkies’ laser
eyes watch amused as I burn
Afire from their gaze
Grinning monkeys shoot
laser beams from hacked blurays
through my swiss cheese brain
A beautiful day
Sunshine and wild-flowers
Then I exploded
Ain’t no z in the
word laser, should have warned me
damn monkeys broke code
Sent to searing death
At lair of laser monkeys
By my Tom-Tom. Argh.
So my mate asked me
for more spontaneity.
I combust. Happy?
lasers in the dark
hunting for their human prey
I DON’T WANT TO DIE!
This totally made my day! It has been Inaugural Haiku Week in my second grade classroom this week. Glad to see i’m teaching the kiddos useful life skills.
Happens quite often
Not reported widely
Little green globule.
- with apologies to “This Is Spinal Tap”
At the gates of hell
The voice tells me I have reached
My destination
No laser guns here!
My GPA lied again;
Spider monkeys co…
Kate Nepveu:
Thanks, fixed.
Can’t believe my eyes
Is it monkey or spider?
Too late too Google.
Death rays from the trees…
Bananas in arms, I run…
Flee Lazer Monkeys…
GPS…gorram it
here is my entry:
Bad GPS, flames
I am burning from Lasers
Spider Monkeys feast
My Yoda Tom-Tom
said left then right, you must turn
a tree, I did crash
Holy crap, I just died!
Who knew I could just blow up?
Spontaneous indeed!!
Final Communication from the Purported Victim of Spontaneous Human Combustion:
Help! Exit blocked by
A frackin’ monkey firefight
With LASER pistols!
So warm
Is that smoke
From my flesh?
Not worth entering
this competition, because
my name is Merkel
Drinking at the zoo
I fell in with primitives
Spider monkey death
ANOTHER Black Hole?
Goodbye To My Wife & Kids.
Damn the GPS!
Turn left onto bridge.
Now recalculating route.
Drive up, seven hund-
Evil villian taunts…
“You gonna burn baby, burn”
I think this will hurt.
Ateles fusciceps
love my flesh, unusual for
a vegetarian
a sudden turn right
driving south on highway 1
the view, so scenic
My spider monkey,
Trained to be my helping hands.
Pulled the trigger, twice.
Snow obscures my sight
Water pools around my feet
Fucking GPS
Explosive heartburn:
Ours is not to reason why
Ours is just to die.
Louise Curtis
you’re dead. play again?
but remember. gps
does not see the snow
“Name?” “Merkel.” “Merkin?”
“Merkel. Merkin‘s GPS
set his hair aflame.”
What is that odd smell?
Spider Monkeys with Lasers!
I am combusting!
“Okay, turn right here
After the bridge, take a left.”
“After what bridge AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……”
Monkeys with lasers?
Since when do they grok science?
Damn you, GPS!
Spider monkey tail
Constricts, but I immolate
Die, you dirty ape!
Wait November rain
Frenzy building within me
I am combustion
Aluminum foil
blocks government mind probes, but
not Martian death rays.
Stupid GPS.
Not the spider monkey house
in the German zoo!
Fricken monkeys with
fricken laysurs on keyboards
make bad Google Maps
red beams of light tend
to anger spider monkeys
hey! don’t shoot that las—
Roast pork is good
Roast human is better
Flame on my friend
GPS error
led to spider monkeys with
lasers…I go boom
SDI PI
By directed energy
I both lived and died
Recalculating?
Volcanoes don’t have off-ramps!
Want my money back.
woah where’d he go
this gunk will never come off
damn he owed me cash
Her lips meet my own.
Passionate heat consumes me…
Wait, am I burning?
Turn right, proceed, stop.
Obstacle. Laser charred monkeys.
Reverse, turn, turn..aaaaaah!
Lying here I bake
Here is me all crispy
Human Combustion
Satellite misled;
This is not the Monkey Jungle
But death by photons.
Friggin’ laser beams
Guess it Could Always Be Worse
Sparkly Death Ponies
‘Spontaneous’ is
hard to fit in a haiku.
But lasers hurt verse.
Can I change my mind?
Spontaneous combustion
ain’t the way to go.
Autumn leaves falling
Monkeys around me crying
Is that me dying?
I blame Ateles
Who built laser GPS
More than wick effect
blowing through the wind
damn that laser sure was hot
redneck science is hard
raging molecules
like Simia panisca
smoke gets in her eyes
Death by flaming poop
Damned spider monkeys just can’t
Obey Wheaton’s Law
I burst into flames
A bright light with no spark
I’m afraid of the dark.
Monkey seeks revenge
Laser won’t work in the fog
Sticky end awaits
Many ways to die
It was my time I suppose
But… SPIDER MONKEYS?!
Crispy Chicken fix
Tummy Rumble? Garmin Helps…
Too Late… Looks Up… Crash!!!
Monkeys at my back
G.P.S. says turn left now
A cliff ahead. Damn.
That fire in my pants?
It wasn’t because of you . . .
But that’s what you’ll say.
My soul rises up
Leaves my mortal husk below
Checked in at FourSquare
Fire! Spontaneous
Combustion? GPS wrong…
LASER?!? Bad monkey!!!
Spontaneously
I have combusted by the
Will of the Monkey.
Lasers blinded me.
Horror; but calmed not worse.
Then monkey cuts deep.
Uplifted monkeys?
Blame Interworld directions.
Next time I go armed!
A river was met
when the gps said to
turn left at the light
Incinerated.
I guess “DON’T PUSH THIS BUTTON”
Isn’t ironic.
Seen before my death:
Space Marines, laser monkeys
Combust as equals.
Lasers from above
Jetpacks on spider monkeys
Final deadly vision
Plonge dans le laser
Regarde tes tripes s’embraser
Te voilà cramé
(This a perfect valid entry as the rules nerver said the haiku has to be in English. ;p )
Stupid GPS.
Turned left at the monkey cage
And lasers lit me on fire.
Something burning, death
flames crackling, blazing white hot
my life, up in smoke
Spider monkey’s GPS
guided me to laser trap
and I exploded
Does GPS count as 3 syllables? I was hoping I’d qualify because of Darby’s Rangers in WWII, and I was killed off in an active shooter exercise by the county police. I took multiple soap pellets in the back by a squad of officers.
Spider monkeys come
I await with my laser
Backfire causes death
Lights come up brightly
Count down for intro and *flash*!!!
Damn you, Spinal Tap!!!
(Gee, all to be that red-shirted Security guy that gets killed in John’s new novel! ;) )
When my car advised
“Turn left in 100 feet”
It laughed evilly.
Lost my GPS
In this pitch black sewer pipe.
What this switch might do?
Monkeys with LASERS!
Oh how I did not want these
To be my last wor…
Rivers are not blue
on my crappy four inch screen.
“Recalculating”
Navigation fail
Led to monkey with lasers
Heart and brain now toast.
Laser fried retinas
Tom-Tom says this path is safe
Say, what’s that rustling?
Fish swam past my ear.
I should have bought an iPhone.
My Prius sinks fast.
Death by a thousand
Monkey cuts. Until the end,
Thought they were grooming.
I never grasped how
simple coherent light isnt
When in my spleen
Happy 50th anniversary of the laser
Guidance is out, Sir!
Who’s been monkeying with it?
Not me, not me, no-
“Pew pew,” Monkey says.
I should have thought, Yikes, lasers!
Instead, Monkeys talk?
Turn left ahead and
escape from laser monkeys
Is it hot in here?
My namesake died too
Death by lost monkey lasers
Made his head explode
Terrible rising
Heat; my face is flaming now
an ash pile floats
I always hated
the voice of my GPS…
now I’ll go haunt her.
Alouattinae!
Bioelectricity!
Recalculating…
A. belzebuth with
lasers and breading assert
I taste like chicken.
I burn from within
A pyre to Spider Monkeys
Whose lasers found me
I did as asked
Now there is lasers all around
Damn that GPS
Obit: He died from
Spider monkeys combusting
spontaneously
GPS screw up,
led me to spider monkeys,
with frickin’ lasers!
Voice command broken
Magellan leads to abyss
Did you mean ‘Starbucks’?
Or maybe
Arachnoides!
Bioelectricity!
Recalculating…
if you really want to be picky about species.
o’er a great distance
simian lasers killed me
my name was star-fox
Oh Dr. Evil,
Why did you aim your “laser”
right at Orlando?
In an old jungle,
A man descends to the earth.
The sound of monkeys.
Where the fuck am I?
Jump off the cliff, GPS?
Really? Well, okay–AAAAHHH!!!!
Poof, sizzle, smolder
All that is left is a foot
Which the cat picks at
Smoke from roasted flesh
calling the spider monkeys
to feast on remains
Garmin led me to
Laser-armed spider monkeys!
Angry, I combust!
“Don’t worry,” you said;
“the evil overlord won’t
think to use monkeys.”
Garmin failed again
Ambushed by spider monkeys
Wait, what? They got LAS-
This geocache is
An artillery shell! Grab
That red wire and lift…
Falling in the weeds
Eaten by spider monkeys
Shit! I’m monkey shit.
Wings erupt from trees
My own personal dead end
Thanks a lot, Tom-Tom
Recalculating
Turn left for spider monkey
Lasers… I mean cake…
The spider monkeys gnaw
I’m losing a lot of blood
It kind of tickles
Blue spider monkeys
Cheer up firing red lasers.
Watch me turn white hot.
Simian hands
Easily pry off doors
Damn you Garmin
Obsolete Sat Nav
leads to laser firing range.
That just burns me up!
The box said ‘turn right’,
But not ‘into a brick wall’.
No refunds for ghosts.
River Bottom Road
Sounded Like a Scenic Drive
Nope. A total dive.
Is it hot in here,
(Wait, is that BBQ I smell?)
Or is it just me?
Blue spider monkeys,
Lasers for their eyes, who knew?
Zzap, there go my legs….
springsteen-inspired
mad gadget makes desire
real. whoa, i’m on fire
Leg on fire, clinic!
Spider monkey fangs in heart.
Stupid GPS.
Recalculating.
Turn up in. Two hundred feet.
Satelite link lost.
Laser beam of pain
Did I offend the simian?
Beware the monkey.
Wrong turn off a cliff
No show to the big party
lying GPS
Spider monkeys with lasers
Ha ha never laughed so hard
Now not so funny
Oh spider monkeys,
Sorry to hear you’re endangered.
I’m endangered too.
The smell of burnt meat
A scream ringing in my ears
Oh bugger! It’s me
Spider monkey bites.
Who knew they were poisonous?
Learn things every day.
My Life flashes by…
Now dipping toes in the Styx
Junk GPS sigh!
Gold-edged flakes adrift
On the smoke-hazed air, alight
Gently on my boot.
I, too, feel compelled to combine all elements:
The Tom-tom was wrong.
Spider monkey has laser.
So now I combust.
“Hot enough for you?”
Fat man squints and mops his brow.
Won’t he be surprised.
A flash of HeNe,
Excited electrons fall
BOOM, an awful mess
I took your advice,
Up a road I knew poorly.
Whoa, that drop was far!
Left, right, turn right now
Must have meant another left
Woman, brick wall, one
Another wrong turn –
What monkeys coded this thing!
I burst into flame.
Showed ‘Temple of Doom .’
Made spider monkeys vengeful.
Now it’s human brains!
Pew pew pew pew pew
I’m being killed by lasers
And that’s terrible.
followed gps
“turn right in one hundred feet”
found cliff not road. bye.
Tell the T.S.A.
Spider monkey does not like
junk touched at airport.
It said: Walk 50 meters
But how should I have known that
A spacesuit was needed
Monkeys with lasers?
Recalculating again!?
Can my day get worse?
One: Mount Saint Helen’s
Two: Helena, Montana
THESE ARE NOT THE SAME!
Taking my laser
Into a house a mirrors.
Science to be done!
Lasers: they shot me!
I’m unexpectedly dead
No longer a fan.
I lost satellite
Now stupid spider monkeys
Wish me out of bones
Turn left now, she said.
Faith in technology trumps
The brain; now brain dead.
Introducing the new
iMonkey. WARNING: Product
may combust anytime
The monkeys have set
wrong lat/long on GPS
laser guns. I’m toast.
Random Super 8.
Fucked Ateles, liked his gun.
Butt set bed aflame.
Turn at primate house
Hey, that monkey has a las…
Recalibrating
Burn burn burn,
from the inside to ashes I turn.
Cleansing
A thousand monkeys
typewriting my epitaph
fail at sestina
Here come the monkeys
with lasers on their small heads
oh god, the horror!
Invasion. Now time
wrong turns to meters off and
our missiles find me —
(silly relativity & GPS directions!!)
The damn GPS
led me to spider monkeys
playing with lasers
Spider monkey quips to monkeys
Your poor GPS directions deserve
Lasers or Spontaneous Monkey Combustion
I evaded lasers
Escaped the spider monkeys
GPS killed me
Reposting this, as it seems to have eaten the first one:
Spider monkeys do
Shoot lasers, in Germany.
Damn GPS. Poof!
You have arrived
spider monkeys with lasers
damn you GPS
monkeys with lasers
are waiting around this bend.
I hate you, OnStar.
As earth becomes air,
A voice reverberates,
“Recalculating…”
The cold spider monkies,
Need to be kept warm so
I combust on the spot.
Peering down on me
which is looking like burnt toast
Now I’m which not who
With a gem-like flame
Winter twinkles and is Spring.
And I am carbon.
Smeared with bananas
staked to the Serengeti
the monkeys are here
As my end drew near
I learned to respect and fear
Monkey Laser Tag
Lasers all used up
Spider monkeys all around
I shall now combust
The light finds my pod
And punctures my canopy
Motes in the atmo
I’m going to play against the other entries, and do something (hopefully) non-humorous. :) Is it tacky that this is inspired by a story I’m writing?
Ten spider monkeys
Running amok with lasers
Burn lost man alive
Damn. It was: “A calm voice reverberates”…
Monkeys with lasers,
Have surprisingly good aim.
What a way to go.
Left? (re-) Right? Straight? Wait,
is that (-cal-cu-) monstrous huge
death pit real? (-la-)
“Only one tonight?” smug
maitre d’ speaks down to me.
Soup, salad, laser?
Re·cal·cu·lat·ing…
The last word I hear before
lasers slice me up
An Asteroid with
GPS would have known better
than to smash the earth.
Bad spider monkeys
Here by GPS error
Eating my face off
Caught between rival
spider monkeys with lasers.
I die, blame Garmin.
So hot I’m on fire
How did it happen to me?
Spontaneously!
I remain convinced
Tom-Tom has it in for me,
Driving off this cliff.
Unnexpected flight
“When possible, turn around”
repeats as we fall.
This laser looks cool
Mounted on my pickup truck
Hey Bubba, watch this!
No man knows his fate
None expects the GPS
Murdered by Tom-Tom
The fullness of Spring
Brings fiery monkey vengeance
My hate burns hotter.
Razor thin red light
Cuts into forty pieces
Body but not soul.
“No guard rail ahead”
“Four wheel drive recommended”
It’s a long way down.
Merge to the left now
Little did I know death was
Hauling bacon slabs
Why do I smell smoke?
I feel like I’m burning up.
Oh, no, I’m on *FOOMF*!
on my way to jill’s.
oh, what a creepy cabin.
ahhhh, jason vorhees!
I find true love and
spontaneously combust.
Wow, that really sucks.
Ignore all warnings!
Rebel against all labels!
Now I can’t see shit.
Faulty GPS
Leads to spider monkey lair
Who gave them lasers?!
Opposable Thumbs:
You need them to use Lasers?
My Monkey says, “No?”
GPS wielding
spidermonkeys still caught me.
Merkel died for naught.
The smallest of teeth
Can yet shear the flesh from bone -
Lo, Spider monkeys!
palin comments, urgh
brain begining to sizzle
and poof, up in smoke
Dashing young soldier –
Where’s that red light coming from?
There goes my left arm.
I didn’t realize
they called them SPIDER monkeys
for such good reason.
“Spider monkey chow:
Nuts, fruits, insects.” Really? Then
Is my spleen desert?
Tomtom said to turn
Left on the pier at Pike’s Market
My car does not float
GPS misfired,
Star Wars defense satellite
Awoke: (super) Nova.
Turn left at that light,
Through the swarm of killer bees,
Wait for screams to stop.
Darwin Award time.
I can’t use a GPS.
Off the cliff I go.
GPS is dead.
Is that a monkey I see?
Laser. No, wait! Combustion.
Oh great, a tar pit.
Shoulda taken that left turn
At Albuquerque.
Was writing haiku,
Failed to count correctly.
Not my real name, yay.
Caught in laser fire
by monkeys armed with Garmins.
Better that than shit…
Winter chill abates
As monkey-mounted lasers
Char my tender flesh
Magic rocks be damned….
This can’t be worth the payoff!
*Poof* goes my tushie
I love haiku…thanks for the contest. My last name is “Tilden”.
spider monkeys eyes
beams of hate heat my body
wrong turn, i explode
(Matthew Caffrey)
Lt. Pike enters:
coherent light stabs
winter is briefly summer
I slump to the floor
Wee spider monkey
Watching over my remains
You look so damn cute.
Into the treetops
I hunt the spider monkey
Branch snaps, monkey laughs.
When the monkeys came
We were ready for the poo
Not the chain guns
Lost in Honduras
Screeching cheers, lasers burn flesh;
¡Viva Ateles!
Suddenly, I burn!
“Turn left now,” the Garmin squeaks.
Gas Station? KABOOM!
Satnav says we’re here
I don’t recall Pizza Hut
being quite so wet
Satnav is offline
I wanted to AVOID death
But now I’m just vapor
How did that get there
My GPS on Facebook
Update my status
I married a geek
Never knowing it would end
With death by laser
A fantastic view
The steel bridge stabs into sky.
Tom Tom said go straight.
How will you know people are telling the truth about their last name if they don’t enter it here? My last name could be Crapwhistle for all you know
Poof! There goes the wife.
Come laser wielding monkeys.
Left turn here my ass.
It was a good price.
The slogan was a warning.
“Drive Like a Lemming”
I am a helper
Spider Monkey Command calls
Now, I am your death
“Bear left”, the voice said
Since when does GPS have
Bear detection skills?
Standing on a cliff
I know there’s no such thing as
Orbital Mind Con…
“Glo•bal” the screen says,
“Ther•mo•nu•cle•ar War” -pause-
“Do you want to play?”
Spider monkey born
Made human by a poor scribe
At peace I explode
I regret wrong turns
Led me to die with this stink.
Spider monkeys bite!
“Make legal U-Turn,”
the GPS repeated.
Sorry. Too late now.
Bad coordinates
Lazer spider monkey nest
A bad day indeed
Human combustion
Can not be spontaneous!
Say, do you smell smoke?
Fear misplaced, I think.
Arachnophobic, done in…
by spider monkeys.
rapture approaches
a wave of decimation
myself tenth in line
faithless normally
my ending here a result
of ill direction
(outdated phone maps
apparently unaware
of monkey cult march)
stuck in foot traffic
while worshipers incandesce
in well-spaced flashes
i mark the pattern
and witness the burning of
every tenth face
gridlock confines me
panic absent, i now wait
curious to see
if in the moment
i’ll see the monkey-god’s hand
holding a laser
Guess what got me killed?
My Navigation System!
Should have upgraded!
Screams, blood, tiny hands …
Spider monkey cage ajar.
Good help hard to find.
Satellites misled
Me to monkeys with lasers.
My escape? Pyrrhic….
Damn you, Magellan.
“Left turn on spider monkeys”?!?
I hope I die well.
Whoops, should have included my last name. It’s “Mitchell”.
Okay, so I’m not the first (or forty-first) to try to use all components…
Nevertheless.
Monkeys fired lasers
Bad GPS made them miss
So why do I fry?
Momma always said
to control my hot temper
too late now – on fire
blood spreads on the rock –
spider monkeys converging
as my world goes black
Laser-killed monkeys smell
no worse than inner-flamed fen.
Don’t take the red pill.
Spider monkeys steal
Tom-Tom, loosing lasers in
my heart. I combust.
“Monkey Backpack Nuke”?
What idiot would invent…
Hey! A thousand suns!
spider monkeys ate
then manured my carcass, now
voles and vermin feast
GPS fails me
lost laser monkeys arrive
angrily, they fire
In snow, turn by turn,
toward laser spider monkeys.
I feel hot inside.
A lake appeared here
My car map is not equipped
For orbital strikes
Floating in the void
Can’t breath; Eyeballs bulging out
Hell of a wrong turn
Recalculating…
(I should have turned when it said.)
Recalculating…
This is just to say
Spider monkeys have eaten
Plums and me. So sweet.
…
If Georgmi, whose surname I share, wins, I shall still have the potential pleasure of seeing a Mitchell red-shirted. (Likewise for Georgmi if I win.)
Will I be happy?
The fortuneteller grins wide
You’ll explode with joy
Orbital monkeys
They have my coordinates
And a good reason
A friendly cold voice
Told me to make that right turn
At the roadworks sign
Adrift… cold… starving
lobal positioning: Void
Monkey, friend, eat me
Winter warmth. We call
it “Spontaneous” Human
Combustion. It’s not.
Dumb Scalzi contest,
No chance at all to win this,
Crap, I just caught fire.
My flesh feeds a tribe
Trust the automap to think
Monkeys are harmless
I was just sitting,
Perfectly happy. Then I
Burst into flames.
LIDAR plane crashing
Mountain multipaths abound
Spot spacing splat squish
LIDAR plane crashing
Blessed are the mapmakers
Dead of multipath
Why yes, I am a surveyor.
Oh my sweet monkey,
Lasers can not substitute
For our space heaters
Wake up! It’s morning.
Happily going to work.
Whistling as I…BOOM.
Character contest
which I want to win so bad
therefore I explode
A feeling inside.
A pang of indigestion?
must have been the…BOOM!
She told us to turn.
Too bad ramp was incomplete.
Should’ve upgraded.
Mexican for lunch
Next time I’ll stick with pizza
gaseous explosion
eight burning eyes of
the arachnosimian
twinkled like the stars
GPS wrong turn
Spider Monkeys with Lasers
Now I’m up in smoke
Proceed for five miles
Next intersection, turn left
Turn left, turn left, BAM!
Laser helps combust
Monkeys, but how did they get
the control box… crap.
Hot laser in eye
I meet my end in his way
Spider Monkey laughs
who knew the bright light
at the end of the tunnel
was highly focused
“Turn right on dirt road.
In three point five miles–” Just then,
The car sank in lake.
I brought bananas
when you cried: “spider monkeys!”
- not anti-venom.
(And, out of contest, a GPS-tanka:
Up-up, down, down then
left right twice B&A, Start?
I do believed you,
Oh, machine, but there is no
cheatcode for the Grand Canyon. )
GPS, Lasers
armed for monkey attack, but
human combustion?
Push that red button
and pew pew go the lasers
swiftly, the end comes
(Too many Mimiron attempts? Perhaps.)
Hot sweating a lot
My skin is bubbling up
I’m smelling bacon
Lasers on the fritz
Vampire spider monkeys pounce
Alas, woe is me…
Alas, I am dead
Stupid laser spatula
Damn you Ron Popeil
Is it warm in here?
I feel ike I am on fire
Oh my god I am
Suddenly on fire
I think of would haves, should haves…
Screw it. No regrets!
Oops, typo. Must fix.
Is it warm in here?
I feel like I am on fire
Oh my god I am
Spider Monkey knew
with infinite precision
where to aim the beam.
Next Left, twenty feet:
The Black Hole of Calcutta?
No, just a black hole.
Led ’round in circles;
I could not find Store Two Four;
Food and I expir’d.
Monkeys, we are lost.
Your lasers cannot help now.
Wait – am I burning?
a second tree falls
did a black cuboid cause this?
I don’t see the gun.
I feel hot inside
These ice cubes are not helping
Combustion seems un…
How’d my GPS
Become Allstate’s “mayhem” guy?
Get out of my car!
Spider monkey eyes,
GPS guided lasers
Explode my head – ow!
“Turn left,” it ordered
Monkeys cheer while I combust
Still the lasers shine
Smoldering glow
Flames consume this pallid flesh
Finally I’m hot stuff!
When swallow you do
The yellow material
Combustion results
sole consolation:
my ignition also slew
that spider monkey
Bad spider monkey.
Don’t block the laser reader
for the GPS. STOP! NOT…
Monkey Spider kills
Eight mutant legs crushing me
Banana breath death
Exploding with flame,
That will show those laser-armed
Spider monkey twits!
Spider Monkey Gangs?!
Laser turf war? Not again.
Damn you, Google Maps!
Monkeys chittering
Wrong turn at Alberquerque
Why is it so hot?
Playing the blues now
Took a wrong turn, hit a cow
Down by the crossroads
Spider Monkeys with
poor GPS and “Lasers”
Why am I so warm?
I never believed
spontaneous combustion?
I do now ow! ow!
Point three micron more
than a cat’s toy; much depends
on calibration
Orbital Cannon,
GPS coordinates set.
Monkey! what have you…
I knew they threw poo,
But I never thought monkeys
Could shoot lasers too
Laser pointers suck
They blind me from far away
Causing me to wreck
Brand new GPS
How did I end up here, then?
Air would have been nice.
So computer says
“Exit highway now.” Right now.
Offramp? What offramp?
Nay spontaneously;
Humans are combustible per
Monkeys with lasers
I made a good meal
those horrid spider monkeys
Started with my toes
One searing red burst:
the unbearable brightness
of death by laser.
Feces flung at me
From many furry lil’ hands
Oh poop! I’m drownin’?
AWOL, trailing Troop
Arboreal Icarus
San prehensile ass
shit that is supposed to be “Sans” not “San”
Alas, too much Scotch.
Glinlivet, I must admit
More than two. or three.
Oops… just read the one entry per person rule.. disqualify me please… :-(
Tied down, laser on,
“Mister Bond, expect to die…”
Not the crotch first! Please!
GPS explodes
Combustion explained, monkey
Lasers flashing, gone
Monkey brandishes
Bright Laser Designator
Red dot on my BOOM
There is a (dead) soap opera character with my exact name and spelling. It makes vanity Google searches difficult.
Spider monkey Sam
Dropped his ray-gun in the road
Zap! Instant flambe!
Ruby glow fading
Monkey incineration
Feast on brainz tonight
No one can pronounce
Either of my two last names.
Therefore, I won’t play.
-by Angeline LeLeux-Bajzek
Monkeys scream at dawn
My entrails glisten redbrown
“Ford the stream” my ass.
Guidance from above
Rest of bridge is elusive
Airbags won’t help here
Call Mythbusters, stat!
Human combustion’s real and
I smell delicious
If you should choose me as the winner I’m going to have to insist that my character die before the end. Preferably in some horrible and perverted way.
Awesome contest. Thanks.
The last thing I heard
As the car rolled down and down:
“Recalculating”
A bright light ahead
I don’t recall tunnel?
Train! Damn this G. P…*CRASH*
Buying groceries
Standing in line to check out
…I feel weird. KA-BOOM!
By the way – I personally would cry if the character was NOT ingested by voles.
Drive North ten miles.
Which way is North? I can’t tell.
OH GOD! Dinosaurs.
A laser killed me.
Now I’m a spider monkey
In my brand new life.
Lasers lead astray.
Lost in self-immolation.
Spider Monkey doom.
Getting ready to
Swim across the Atlantic.
It looks kind of far.
Her name was Laser
She ate my heart like cancer
No more life after
In a LASER duel
Old Spice Man drew so quickly!
Poof! Monocle smile.
New treasure app blew
No gold, just lasers and poo!
My primate corpse, burns…
Personally, I like #357 so far. But here’s my entry:
Anger like the heat
of a hundred million suns –
GPS cliff death.
Best contest ever, btw.
The last thing I heard
was “eat flaming laser death.”
Video game corpse.
My wife runs lasers,
So I married her for love.
She got a target.
[true-ish story - my wife is a laser physicist]
Frak, Spider Monkeys
With laser fingers attacked.
Blew me to shreds, ick.
There is a red dot
Fixated on my forehead.
What can I do? Boom!
Secretly replaced
your GPS with laser
satellites. Noticed?
Too late I found out
My tom tom was reprogrammed
By spider monkey chef
Avoided monkeys,
Dodging lasers handily;
Why am I on fire?
Have a banana
What the hell with the LASERs?
Oh, you’ve done me wrong!
My blood soaks the street.
My GPS told me “left”,
it should have been “right”.
“Turn left in one mile,”
said the spider monkey’s voice.
Make the turn, and- ZOT.
Your remaining eye
should not be used when staring
into the laser.
An infinity
of monkeys dropping on me.
Damn! Damn you, Shakespeare!
Smoke of singed flesh
Listfully dances in air
Dusk approaches slow
Damn it, not my face!
You were supposed to aim for
The huge Jiffy Pop
The warrior monkey
Wildly firing dread laser
Obliterates spaceman
Monkeys, go away!
Don’t touch my navigator!
Wait, is that a la-
This is not Rio
Are those… monkeys with lasers?
What are they do- WHOOMP
(a true story)
Crematorium?
“You have entered a dead end.”
Said the GPS.
Fire burning me
Monkeys crawling up my leg
Where did I go wrong?
Wings on monkeys, dumb.
Laser vision, dumber still.
Nobel prize doubtful.
“Turn left at next ramp,
Past the huge spider monkeys,
And burn,” the voice said.
Do we have to include our last name in our post or are you going to contact them?
I thought flames would hurt
But when the fire burst from me
I couldn’t feel a thing
Surprise cliff-face.
Spring blooms can’t cushion my fall.
Not a bridge at all.
Light shafts shine through leaves
to the musty forest floor.
Slender fingers tug.
Prehensile tail blinds
Driver’s vision; check navsys
Routed to lake, sunk!
Combustion my ass
Laser-fried spider monkeys
Stole my GPS
I misread your ad.
I wanted spontaneous
Conversation… Argh!
Hey, those beans taste good!
Though maybe they give me gas
But they taste too….BOOOOM!
(Not an entry; just a comment)
OOOHHH! I so want to win this one! “Lieutenant Whybird” in a Scalzi novel would be like the coolest thing ever! The name is from a pair of saxon words: Wy=War, Berd=Bright – so like ‘illustrious warrior” or something. Or maybe “Fightin’ with Lasers” :)
Sadly, Haiku is one of my least favourite poetic forms to write, but I will try. It may take me a day or so, but I will try.
Warm is nice; warmer;
warmer; ahhhhh – Spontaneous
Human Combustion
It was all their fault.
My corpse rots in the jungle.
Stupid damn monkeys!
The sat nav said “right”.
The screen did not show the cliff.
Death by GPS
How to make him bark?
Spontaneously combust,
The he will go “Wooooooooff!”
*then.
Arses
Slowly sinking here
Amid the quicksands of Mars
Damn that GPS
Oh no, not again.
Sighing, falling Petunia.
Recalculating.
OK, I didn’t spend a whole day on it, but hopefully this is good:
Ironically, I,
With a name that means “War Bright”,
Lost the laser fight.
Canned voice failed to warn
Of imminent painful death
By monkeys. Gutted.
Hidden death you bring
Laser, coherent light beam
Mankind deadly sting
From my cold dead hands
You cannot prise my laser
Damn dirty monkeys!
Damn, in my previous post i didn’t realise the repetition in “death” and “deadly”… Please, ignore it and consider the following one instead:
Hidden death you bring
Laser, coherent light beam
Mankind lethal sting!
Turn your monkey left
See his laser working right
Make them burn in front
Monkeys with lasers?
AND crap directions? AND fire?
That did not end well.
Yes, Mr. Chairman?
Mass breakout at SimiTech?
Right. Let’s kick ass, team.
GPS…Monkies…
Laser Guns…Did It…Not Me…
Firing Squad Takes Aim…
Human Combustion
Killed me as sure as lasers,
Can’t eat bacon now.
WikiPedia
said they’re vegetarians
“crowd wisdom” indeed.
Monkeys like spiders
Tooled up, surrounding me
Death by Monkeys
The GPS seemed
so trustworthy, omniscient;
whence came its evil!?
My girlfriend gave me
A very special present
It looks so n-AAAAAHHHHH
Monkeys with lasers
And me, valiant and limbless
“It’s only a flesh wound…”
argh, freakin’ lasers
run afoul of G.P.S
wrong turn, orbital strike
I was the slowest
when chick with laser gun said,
“Dance for me, bitches.”
My next band is
Spider Monkeys with Lasers!
Thilled, I combusted.
Wait… I was killed by
spider monkeys with lasers??
What the hell, Scalzi?!
I made the wrong turn;
the armed monkeys awaited
and fired. Damn GPS.
I was in great pain
anal dwelling spider monkeys
Jim Carey as God.
“There is no such thing!”
I scoffed, ironically.
“Logic dictates Spon-”
Like playing a game
On a computer until
The laser hit me
GPS was wrong,
i’m surrounded by monkeys
one has my gun, ZAP
They were right: lasers
don’t kill people – it’s the mad
scientists with them.
God damn it tom tom
you said to make a left turn
right off a damn cliff!
A six leaf clover!
Alas, a monkey stole it
now my luck’s run out.
Monkey on windshield
A woman’s voice, Jeep meets tree
Nature, Grim and me
Monkeys combusting…
I’m not in Kansas, am I?
Laser is turned off!
My fiery death
will cause cravings for pork rinds.
So – I’m cool with that.
I drank flaming punch.
Now I’m tingling all over.
What smells so yummy?
My love for her grew
I had that special feeling
My heart’s on her sleeve
How am I now Krook?
Bubbling fat, flames to ashes
My future so Bleak
As my body burns
I somehow still find the time
To think in haiku
Monkey Commander.
Metric coordinates. So.
Sudden end in flame.
Self-immolation,
or death by spider monkeys?
My choice has been made.
Just drove off a cliff.
My life flashes before me.
TomTom don’t know shit.
Spider Monkeys fall
I look up and see them come
Far too late to run!
Prepare. Line my room
With gypsum boards and perlite.
Mother will survive.
All this kowtowing,
pandering to ray gun monks.
I’ll combust instead.
Lost! Damn GPS.
These laser-toting spider
monkeys look helpful.
Spider monkey beam
lasers my flesh and I burn
“Turn right” bad idea!
A wrong turn, damn’d map
Ah, the road not taken. Sir?!
Would you direct m-
Holy F-ing crap
There are too many entries
my haiku is toast
Or, perhaps better
too many entries
like me, my haiku is toast
spontaneously
Entry: LASERS
Light monotonic
Cohesion interrupted
Red mist of brain goo
Bonus extra haiku, because I’m bored at work:
Never trust monkeys!
Oh Grandfather, why did I
Doubt your sage advice?
Turn left. No! turn right!
Tiny map and grating voice—
Sends me off a cliff!
Getting hot in here
You feel hot? No? I feel hot.
Flee! I’m on FIRE!
Monkeys with lasers?
But this damn thing said turn left!
Is it hot in here?
The voice commands me:
Turn left now, exit, one mile.
Starlight Cliff; Life’s exit.
Equivalency:
Spider monkey with flashlight:
LASER DESTRUCTION
Anger. A red face
Steam escaping from the ears
Suddenly, I flare
Your next GPS
should have construction updates.
Bridge out; So’s my air.
Monkeys drunk on blood
Leap near and ignite my dread
I feel warm inside
I’m going to die
They call them spider monkeys
here on rigel six
Spontaneous burn
By self-impelled combustion
Too much chili, then
I saw the monkey
he fixed my tomtom but then
he went Pew pew pew!
P.S., can it be my first name instead of my last name?
Thanks.
This is curious
GPS has led me to
Black hole in the hood
Dead again it seems.
Last time I trust my monkey
Cleaning my laser!
Spontaneously,
Human Combustion occurs.
My stupid, it burns!
Who sent my killer -
Laser-armed spider monkey?
Oh shit, ’twas Scalzi!
Two rights make a wrong
But spider monkeys are cute.
Wait. Are those lasers?
Swallowed my cigar,
With vodka will it mix well?
What’s that sulfur smell…….
When shot by lasers,
Dead before you hear “PEW PEW!”
Damn laws of physics
Spider monkeys with lasers
Arrive too late; damn.
They find only a charred corpse.
Yeah, it’s supposed to be 5/7/5… I need haiku lessons.
Spider monkeys? Here?
What are they holding? Lasers!
That explains the smell.
Who knew that the bridge
collapsed into the river?
Now I’m falling too …
Screwed by goddamn tech.
Cornered by sentient monkeys?
How does this HAPPEN?!
Lost! Where could I be?
Is that a spider monkey?
Tom Tom epic fail.
I burst into flames.
Did not see that one coming.
Voles didn’t get me.
Turn left on Spider
Monkey Lane. Watch for deadly…
Recalculating…
Never bought map pack.
Turned left. Crash. New highway. What?
Recalculating…
Sentient monkeys
building their first laser gun.
Wait…who’s the test sub-
The End
So here it is now -
I was not ready for this -
I love you children!
A laser from space
Tarkin destroyed my planet
Damn readiness test!
thanks, crappy tom tom
california ragtop
now a submarine
God, it hurts so much,
Something is very wrong here
Damn stupid monkey
O misdirection!
This woeful den of monkeys
Is not Red Robin!
Eggs laid in my throat
Hatch into spider monkeys.
Never sleep opened-mouthed!
It said take 10 west,
But the ferry wasn’t there,
The water is deep.
————
Note: There are maps that show US-10 crossing Lake Michigan — it’s the route of the S.S. Badger ferry. Google, I’m looking at you.(grin)
Dr. Phil
Blinded, I mistake
Ape Lincoln for Abe. Damned
dirties set me alight.
Careful, steampunk kids.
Set those things to stun or maim.
Char is sadistic.
The turn by turn voice
has issued the last message
“I’m also a bomb.”
Scratch that last haiku
I didn’t read all the rules
there is no excuse
Gah. Let’s try that again:
Blinded, I mistake
Ape Lincoln for Abe. The damned
dirties set me alight.
Turn in 100 yards.
Who knew? Bridge felled by flooding.
Kind voice directs death.
Fear held my heart still
In the spider monkey cage;
Gleaming teeth devour.
Monkey takes my heart…
Spider… G.P.S… Oh God!
Wrong turn; blackness comes…
Our Claire burned, asleep.
Craigslist: Baby shoes, unworn;
Bassinet? Sold cheap.
Mean spider monkey
aimed the laser badly, but
fried me anyway.
How’d it get my gun?
Spider monkeys have wicked
Itchy trigger tails.
O tasty bacon
Which came from my own side flesh
Sci-fi cannibals!
GPS wielding
monkey scientists invent
Human-melting ray
Spider monkeys feast
on the entrails at my feet.
Frickin laser beams!
Vibrate molecules
To evade Grodd’s death ray.
What?…Landsat feedbaaaAAAK!
Replaces earlier entry by ZBBM.
Replaces more recent entry by ZBBM that was full of fail but not full of syllables.
Vibrate molecules
Grodd’s death ray passes through me.
What?…Landsat feedbaaaAAAK!
I never was slow
In my mind invincible
But lasers are fast
What in the world is
“Spontaneous Human Con-“
WHOOMP – ahhh, now I know
Slowly I grow warm
Internal heat increases
Suddenly I burn..
Not spontaneous
human combustion! Too Late!
A smoldering husk.
Eating with delight,
the spider monkey hand nips
the other kidney.
“Go” suggests the box.
“Turn” it recommends.
“Oops” say I.
Global climate change
Mother Earth. outraged, responds
Monkeys with H-bombs!
A green focused beam
Is the last thing that I saw
Fuck, do I hate green
Put down the zap gun
I swear that Koko and I
Were always just friends
I missed the red sign
Don’t aim laser at mirror
Boy am I stupid
Mom would not be proud
That not-so-sweet atelines
Ate her boy. Bye now.
Driving down the road
Suddenly I am on fire
I smell like burning
They aim the weapon.
Light, coherent, amplified
I miss my left arm.
Self-immolation:
Not religious, or angry,
I’m just unlucky.
Blown to smithereens
Blood and guts coat my bedroom
And I JUST painted.
Strange, a wisp of smoke.
Did I file my taxes yet?
Incinerated!
Army of primates
A deadly situation
Allergies aside
TomTom got me lost
Now monkeys with laser eyes
Toast me like pop-tarts
Road non-existent
due to laser-weilding spider
monkeys. Burning now.
Flatulence was not
Enough to save me from the
Three bean burritos.
Oh! Bridge not complete.
Note to self for next life: Goal,
Kill ALL map makers.
Human centipede
Preferred while spontaneous
Human combusting
Ambushed by monkeys
GPS and intel fail
Fucking reflection
“Programmed by monkeys!”
Wife, fuming at GPS,
Now lost in Costco.
God Damn G.P.S.!
New World Monkeys in the road!
Red stains withered leaves
Monkey lab attempt
with lasers would mean reward
If I still had hands.
Spider monkeys with…
Lasers? GPS, I want
Austin, TX, not Pow-
Twenty metre bridge
Turn right in 5 metres… now
Icy water end
like mind
photon losing
coherence
I did this one with 5/7/5 mora rather than counting English syllables
Spider monkey bursts
Like banana self-peeling
Laser turns on me
Laser gun duel. DRAW!
spider monkeys are too fast
but flames are faster
Device said “bear left”
but I _turned_ left and was thus
eaten by whoodles.
Spider Monkeys can’t
Use lasers you idiot!
Oh wait, guess they can.
Bugs Bunny was wrong.
Monkeys lurk past the left turn
At Albuquerque.
Note to future self:
Calling on the muse of fire?
Be polite: knock, first.
GPS said left
But my wife said turn right now!
My choice turned out wrong.
Half moon flares, molten
Clouds fleeing, from the west
Ceti Laser dawn!
GPS commands
Erroneous instruction
Airbags, OnStar, End
Monkey commandos
Wait in ditch, lasers ready
I’ve found the wrong cache-!
Hell hath no fury
Like a spider monkey scorned
I shot first and missed
Take the next right for
Your final destination –
In more ways than one
The directions sucked.
At least we agree on that.
We are now falling.
“Turn right at the light,”
Tom-Tom prompted, and then said,
“Go into the light.”
My Garmin, my friend;
Vista upgrade made you turn;
Right, into tar pits.
GPS says here
It neglected to tell me
I need a kay-…Glup
Mapquest – take me home
Nine out of ten get there safe
Why am I number ten?
Laser guides monkey
Screaming down from miles up
The target is me!
Stuck in laser trap
Stuck in laser trap
Curse the monkeys who sold me
This damn Tom-Tom… FWOOOOOSH!
(The last word is the sound of someone going up in flames thus, I have used all 4 things mentioned in mine)
Heart signal dropping
Celestial re-routing
Transcendental realm
Because my boyfriend’s GPS is now 3 years out of date:
I told you, “Update!”
Because I really don’t like
The drop-off ahead.
Pew three times. Laser?
Monkey scat! G. ateles
pwned sysop. grep harp.
Ow, I thought as I
Stepped into the Light. Who knew
Monkeys gripped so tight?
Discrimination
No sex with spider monkeys!
Death by laser beam
The warning sign small,
Walked into the laser grid
Divided, I fell
Dear Tom Tom, a word?
The local freeway does NOT
Off-ramp via this cliff…
A flash of green light
I’m in two, though I don’t bleed
Instant death? Bullshit.
Spiderous monkeys
Split bananas for their web
Slip. Sayonara.
falling from the bridge,
“turn around when possible”
lets me die laughing
Lasers burn the Greg
Burny burny burny death
Fucking hate lasers
Perform a U-Turn
Visibility impaired.
Story of my life.
I dreamt of flying
Who knew that “Flame On” would work
My last words ever
Glimpse of hope
awakens shadows fast.
Behold a living light.
Basically, the same.
New ways of flingin’ their poo.
Monkeys love lasers.
Laser-strapped monkeys!
My GPS led me here?!
So angry! *combust*
There once was a character name
Which caused a poetical game
So many haikus
Yet Scalzi must choose
To see which one will be the same
Woke up a monkey;
Not quite what I had in mind.
That recruiter’s dead.
Okay, so I chose a less literal, transcendental death; an Old Man’s War gone horribly wrong, if you will. After all, the future will be stranger than we know. I like the idea of character death by gross incompetence. That way you’re not only forcing your winner to come to terms with existential angst, but also issues of identity and ego as well (grin). Say, isn’t death by voles Kevorkian’s first choice (yes, I’ve seen his art as too)?
A bright beam of light
Disjoints me, sparking the thought:
Who will feed my cat?
Over my charred corpse
Holmes asked, “Have you never heard…
of Occam’s LASER?”
The last thing I heard
Before the beam splattered me:
“Recalculating.”
Oh, the burning heat
from an all consuming fire.
Damn that cigarette.
What a crying shame
All-seeing satellite eye
Failed to note that cliff.
I took a shortcut
Now I’ll die in this jungle…
Damn spider monkeys!
Coordinates lost!
I’m going to die at sea
Where is the rudder?
a loyal machine?
road closed but gps says
“continue off cliff”
Question: Can it be my maiden name? It’s so much cooler than my married name.
Turn left, the voice said.
Alas there was a large river
between hire and there.
Killed in Scalzi book.
Monkeys with lasers. Pew! Pew!
Expected better.
Over the falls, but
In my Ford, not a barrel.
Too cheap to upgrade.
This is all a dream.
Spider monkeys don’t use tools.
This is all a dream…
Lost are we sad two
Helper Bozo wrecked our guide
Hurled his tragic poo
Bright summer sunlight
So hot, I burst into flames
But I got better.
GPS led to
Den of crazed spider monkeys
With LASERS! I’m toast.
A flash of bright light;
Heat lashes through my body–
Focused beam of death.
to suffer this way
indignant but fair
Sat’nav’ed off cliff
Not a haiku, but submitted for your approval regardless:
Jiggery pokery
Ateles belzebuth
Lasered the satellites
This won’t end well
We should have realized
Primatologically
Give them an inch and they’ll
Send you to hell
Asked GPS
For directions to Heaven
Its route led to hell
curious monkey
never let him find my corpse
take this away — quick!
crimson sears me
antennas climb up the wall
they’ll out live us all
floating past bodies
searing crimson beams sparkle
across icy black
I like squirrels better
But monkeys play with matches
Immolation sucks
Should have known New York
to Deutschland… underwater…
was a bad idea.
Hypercloning works!
My monkey army rises…
Have I lost control?
‘Twixt sharp beam of light,
And evil monkeys in flight
Either un-makes me.
There’s no more bacon
Traitor monkeys took it all
I’ll see them all in Hell
Bright lights; simians,
confound my navigation.
Now I burn with loss.
Lesson: Don’t buy a
Spider Monkey GPS
unless you can climb
Today’s experiment
4-D GPS Testing
Ana, Up, Kata
I am lost in time
Spider-monkeys block my path
Tom-Tom says turn left
My nemesis precedes.
His simians await me
Escape to the sea!
Laser-guided sharks
Superior to monkeys
I explode in sur—
Meteor? Comet?
GPS said this way now.
Cliff drop! Sven burns up.
George R. R. Martin:
Alas, I have exploded.
Write faster next time?
(weeps for poor asplodey me)
My molecules grew
Tired of current arrangements.
A red flower blooms
I wanted to fly,
Over Grand Canyon’s red mesas,
but not in my car.
A threatened monkey
Misplaced bag of taco bell
The shit hit the fan
I missed the notice:
‘Do not look in laser beam
with remaining eye’.
I burn in Brazil
Lasered by GPS sats
Spider monkeys laugh
Tiny teeth rend flesh.
Why didn’t I have dollar?
Damn organ grinders.
Primate fingers deft
and deadly–but not the ones
the gun was built for
When monkeys explode
They do not taste like bacon
“Warning: Do Not eat!”
Brandon killed me once
Goradel burnt to a crisp
When the world ended
(mistborn books)
“Turn left now.” “Bien
Venidos a Iquacu”
How did they miss this?
This needs explanation. Iguacu is the 11th biggest waterfall in the world. It has Less water, but is twice as wide as Niagara Falls. I thought it apropos as I´m living in Paraguay for 2 years. It´s technically in Brazil, but I figure it counts since I´m living about 2 hours away, and the name is in Guarani (means big water), which is pretty much exclusively spoken in Paraguay.
On an unrelated note, thank you for making your site one of the few that is less than a living hell for an effectively worse than dial-up connection.
“Turn left now.” “Bien
Venidos a Iguacu.”
How did they miss this?
This needs explanation. Iguacu is the 11th largest waterfall in the world. It has less water per second than Niagara Falls, but is twice the width. I felt it was apropos as I´m living in Paraguay for 2 years. Technically, it´s in Brazil, but I figure it´s close enough as I only live 2 hours away, and it´s name is in Guarani (means big water), which is pretty much exclusively spoken in Paraguay.
On an unrelated note, thank you for making your site one of the few which is less than a living hell to view on a connection effectively worse than dial-up.
LASER just zapped me.
Who knew the Mona Lisa
Was so hard to steal?
Bloody hell, it did post! Sorry about the repeat.
Monkey with a gun
Flash of laser brightly lit
Round hole in my chest
Just realized I added on extra word and I didn’t mean to! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, I know I can’t re-submit but here: (just in case!)
There’s no more bacon
Traitor monkeys took it all
I’ll see them in Hell
Monkeys after me
Coke Zero, you have my back
Oh god, the lasers!
*sigh* nine syllables
How can I Haiku with that?
And it’s spontan- *FWOOSH*
Caching Monkey Hill
GC2J45K
Cache has been muggled!
(A figurative death for the cache in question.)
The main difference
between me and Orpheus?
I had GPS.
you had me at ingested by voles.
make legal U turn
spontaneously combust
or die trying to
GPS led us
Into spider monkey nest!
Ruh-roh Raggy! Yoinks!
A secret tryst?
Always wipe the GPS
On your husband’s car.
My chared, smoking flesh
Grilled deftly with red LASERS
Inhale and devour
my character’s death
forshadows my own demise
lasered by monkeys
Menopause–normal?
HA! Not when I keep getting
Hotter and hotter.
My navigation’s
followed automatically.
Is that a wall? Oops.
DEATH- FLAMES
Death-Monkeys stalk me.
Tom-Tom fails to guide my steps.
Flames claim my body!
Left at the stop sign?
Flying off a cliff instead.
Say hi, Mister Ground!
I called him greenie
That really pissed Szilard off
His laser-gun speaks
lasers found the ship
(spider monkeys ate satnav)
sun’s heat made crisp corpse
Pernicious primate!
I’ve immense need of succor
Strange defecations. . .
In San Francisco,
GPS said to turn left.
Off Golden Gate bridge.
No no no. NO NO.
Aargh. Oh no. No no. Help me.
No no no. NO NO.
spontaneity
is quite exhilarating
until worlds ignite
Monkey lasers hurt-
Like an unrequited love-
Fire in my heart.
One thing left to me
Gripping him like a limpet
I burst into flames
Nothing says heroic like gastropoda.
“Do we not revenge?”
the monkey asked, between bites.
My brains must taste good.
At least I took that
Damn spider monkey with me
When I combusted…
Tourists in bright red Mustangs
using GPS
Wander lost in paradise.
A smoldering love
Is not a romantic tail
if the flames are real
errr
A smoldering love
Is not a romantic tale
if the flames are real
will my Haiku mail be graded too?
Oh dang. 5-7-5? Can I recalibrate?
In bright red Mustangs
tourists using GPS
lost in Paradise.
Hmm, lasers or spontaneous combustion?
Chased by monkeys,
missed the turn to find my end
thru a sparky flare.
Songs of satellites,
Errant circuits: “Arriving…
At eternity.”
Sign Above Laser:
“Dead End – Go Back!” They Were Right.
GPS Was Wrong.
Cool contest, though a fe more themes for the death would have been cool :).
Monkey silverware
is not unlike weaponry
Why do they watch me?
Spider monkey flings
poo at my GPS screen
where’s my laser?
happily driving,
turn left into monkey pit.
GPS man laughs…
Ever distrustful
G.P.S. Navigation
Now I know why damn
#16 is awesome! love the subtlety. Here’s mine:
OH, MAH CRISPINESS
WILL BE LEGENDARY! TAPE
ME 2 KAT NAO PLZ?
Yes dear, lost again.
Fine dear, on with GPS.
Oh dear, quite a drop!
A tomb of old bones.
Misstep, an ominous click.
King Tut had lasers?
GPS-guided
monkey poo missiles!? LASER
MALFUNCTION. Oh, shi-
Expectations low.
Haven’t written a haiku
since grade six. Oh well.
PS:
David Merkel should
win. His haiku made me LOL.
Poetic justice.
A spider sat down
The man-eating monkey type
I’m really burned up
Crashed on mountain range
Scanning Ateles Chamek.
Cheap avionics.
T’was my first haiku
Me, confused and excited
Misspelled my last name
#657 – last name: Roy-MacHabée, not Riy-MacHabee …
Was it the lasers
Grafted on those monkey tails;
Or the fire inside ?
The monkey laser
GPS Malfunctioned twice.
I caught fire waiting.
Congratulations–
the green beam of destruction!
Don’t push which button?
A stitch in time saves
(flay the skin and flense the flesh)
AARGH!! Spider…Monkeys…
Spider monkeys cute
G.P.S. led me astray
Now they rend my flesh
“Turn right here” it says
I comply to its commands
off the cliff I go
First man in deep space,
My god, its full of monkeys,
Set lasers to Oook.
Idiot chauffeur …
How did my life end like this?
Garmin, Simian.
A cute simian head/
Is supported by eight legs/
My insides are mush
:)
It was pretty cool
Watchin’ Moose flame on like that.
‘Til he fell on me.
They were just ashes.
Long Pig, the soldiers called it.
I brought marshmallows.
Pure and glimmering
A softly brilliant red light
Briefly strokes my skin
I always wanted
to be a Super Hero
not a Human Torch
Smoke. Engulfed in flames.
Who knew it could all end so
Spontaneously?
Monkeys spelling out
Words with laser beams? They say,
“Adios, Lieuten–”
Monkeys with Lasers!
Turn left? Recalculating….
OOPS! Turn Right! Flame out……
Opposable thumbs
and ruby red laser light
I go to war armed.
Flinging the poo back
Just pisses them off. Dammit-
gonna miss that arm.
Tom Tom said turn right
Should have Mapquest’d the way
Might have noticed cliff
I always plan ahead.
Who’d think I’d ever combust
…spontaneously?
Stop, spider monkeys!
I gave you life – and now this!
Why, my pretties, why?
:-D
P.S. John, I know it would take forever and a half to do, but I’d love to see which of the four modes of death was most popular… Of course, I’d say spider monkeys, but then I might be a bit biased.
G P S led me
Into gigawatt brightness
Is that a monkey?
Inside monkey gut?
Damn Dollar Store GPS
Crap! Guess it does work
I’m burning inside!
Lasers need respect, not this
monkeying around.
I screamed while dying:
“Never follow a Monkey’s
Programmed directions!”
Fire everywhere.
GPS lied, road was paved
with good intentions.
Many hands reaching,
red dots appear on my face.
Who armed these monkeys?
A bilingual haiku that matches the syllable count in both languages:
医者のさる
毒蜘蛛猿の？
残念ね…
isha no saru
dokugumo saru no?
zannen ne…
The doctor’s monkeys:
Poisonous spider monkeys?
How unfortunate…
Now we shall see whether the form can handle posting in Asian characters (if not, that’s why I included the romanized version).
GPS insists
I’m standing in Pick-a-Part…
Hell’s Angels’ clubhouse?!
Big mistake thinking
Spontaneous also meant
Instantaneous
My jealous, laser
wielding, spider monkey girl-
friend just shot me dead!
Sheer canyon walls
And summer rain brings flash floods
“Recalculating”
This is my wife’s fault.
She said “Mexican tonight”.
Combust. So much pain.
burn the midnight oil
spontaneous combustion
one can work too hard
Never taunt The Witch.
“Monkeys might fly out of my–”
They do. Wings, claws. Twice.
Garmin lasered me
Spontaneous, burnt bacon
Spider monkey’s snack
Eight spider monkeys?
With lasers?!? Ouch! Burning flesh!
Stupid GPS!
I fear for my life
For now my spider monkeys
Have become Ninjas
deadly laser eyes
the unicorn pegasus
kitten strikes again
Smoking here I waft
Monkeys play with laser, too soon
My ashes, cremate grey
looking hungrier
than the last time i saw him
his bite was shocking
thanks, man
The wheels on the bus
Go off the cliff, off the cliff,
All thanks to Garmin.
Spider monkeys scream
As lasers shoot from their eyes –
God damn LSD!
monkey with laser
GPS in pretty flames
missed turn; drove off cliff
Nothing going wrong
Suddenly feeling warm now.
Pop. Sizzle. MEIN FLESH!
The computer said
turn left turn left turn left turn –
and I did. I’m dead.
Arachnids have juice
The kind that takes your ass out
Bitten, you see hell
Hmm, what’s this feeling?
A strange… burning sensation
Ahh, I’m burning! ShiWOUGGH
like cat tongues licking
taped-bacon sizzlescrape of flames
on side of my face
Laser shines so bright
As I go gently into
That good night. Good bye.
My insides are hot
A drummer’s death awaits me
The final crash boom
Poor satellite fix
Altitude not accurate
Ground impact event
Lasers slice through me
I thought I was a ninja
I guess I was wrong
Danger Imminent
To heaven, not hell I go
Recalculating
TomTom, oh TomTom
Left turn begat left for dead
Did I offend you?
Monkey laser fire?
Recalculating: choose death.
Self-Immolation.
In due time, primates
show me the wrong path, and then,
with lasers, burn me.
I typed 6 – 6 – 6.
Damned unfortunate address.
“At next burn, go down…”
Dr. Evil was
right. Laser sharks are deadly.
My skin is crispy.
Right Turn in one mile
I obey and turn that way
Damn, the bridge is out.
Have fun reading these, I did. Thanks
Mitch
Damn GPS said
“Turn left ahead on Fifth Street”
But the bridge was out!
If my GPS
doesn’t stop saying “turn left,”
I just might expl–
Working at NASA
In the secret LASER lab
What’s this button for?
Faulty GPS brought me here
My body burning brought the dawn
The light brought monkeys
spider monkeys flew
blew me up as I watched House
so much for reruns.
The flames consume me
From the fire I started
To scare the monkeys
Desecrated corpse;
sprawled lifelessly underneath
the Spider Monkey.
I just exploded
Why does dying hurt so much?
Not fire and brimstone!
Spontaneous shoot
human flesh melts in puddles
combustion complete
Oh spider monkey
How I adore you until
You eat my face off
I’ll never get lost
My GPS is awesome
Oh my God, a cliff
Death comes lightspeed, at
ten point six mu-em wavelength,
from prehensile tails.
Spider monkeys kill
I found this out the hard way
Who knew Death be cute?
Turn right on Bob Drive.
Wait, this is not Tony’s house.
Stupid GPS!!
Check out this haiku:
Brightly shining, red
Steaming and smoking, burning
Lasers sear my flesh
“Next left petting zoo.”
Grim-faced monkeys, a bright flash.
My ashes on snow.
The snow is melted
Where my sat-nav has led me
Ack! Guard lasers kill!
Note the seasonal reference and the use of kill! as a kireji, also part of the haiku tradition :)
Crashed into bacon
truck — not my fault. “Men are pigs,”
the GPS purred.
Nerveless immense heat
spider monkeys laser beam
Huff-duff wrong again
Monkeys use lasers;
GPS dies in sparks
oh look! a robot!
Nerveless immense heat
spider monkeys laser beam
Huff-duff, wrong again
Beware the jungle
crawls with furry assassins
Ditch the bananas
Death by roundabout?
So much blood, yet little pain.
God damn you TomTom.
Imploding eyeballs
LASIK Eye Center lawsuit
Dead and still can’t see!
What does this switch do?
Shouldn’t have done that, LASER’s hurt.
Touche, Universe
Die, spider monkeys!
You have the numbers, but I–
I have a strateg–
Ate the spice for her
be together forever
entrails on the walls
Disembodied voice,
Why send me down the steep cliff?
You know I can’t swim!
I matched her Lucky Strike
I told her that smoking kills
And then I blew up?
Dammit, I know it
Now that I should have turned left
In Albuquerque
Here in my chair sat
suddenly spontaneously
combustable me.
GPS Update:
Laser monkey colonies;
Avoid at all cost!
GPS said to
Turn left at spider monkeys.
Ran into LASER!
“Building a LASER
that monkeys could operate
may have been hubris.”
Monkey GPS:
“Ook Ook” clearly directed
With tree I collide
Monkey’s directions
Are worse than this damn Garmin
What’s that? AAAAH, LASERS!
Go straight thru the lights
The voice said, while the screen showed
Light traffic — choo choo!
note: #736 was my original attempt. After I submitted, an error popped up, so I wrote it again, and re-submitted. Now, #738 needs to be deleted. I’m a klutz, what can I say? Delete it, or I will call the spider monkeys to use their lasers, or might find your coordinates on my GPS. If you don’t use my name, I will purposely die of flames. just kidding. just kidding.
A fire with no cause
Burns my spider monkey foes
Death is my escape
Tied to cement block,
Lasers searing my flesh,
Wishing this was you.
A silent killer,
Cremated by laser fire.
Oh, the pain, the pain.
The wind stirs the ash
From atop the old rocker
Where Merkel once sat.
arrived at joes house
what the hell?! no, GPS!
death by guard monkies
A little known fact
Haldeman’s laser finger
Is the middle one
Cute spider monkey
Is that a laser he holds?
There went my liver
Gangly paws clawing.
Blood boils; flesh sears and smokes.
Good! Burn, foul vermin!
Guidance to ‘vator
Usually you get the car.
This time got the shaft.
Adam’s made me laugh.
Yoda’s directions, a gas!
Now, who gets the win?
Fed a gps
By a crazed spider monkey
Scalzi, say my name!
It was too late then
To change the sat-nav voice back
From ‘Satan’s Hellish Demons’.
John, you will need two
Glasses of fine cabernet
Before you start judging
And may the gods take pity on your brain…
OH, Look! A new Sun!
Bursting from Sargent Jackson;
that did not look fun.
J. D. Oliver
Know my name – that’s all I ask
Lasers from orbit? Dicks.
Ugh. I can’t count to 5.
OK take two.
J.D. Oliver
Know my name – that’s all I ask
Lasers from SPACE? Dicks.
The days get longer
Lasers are silent in space
Snow slips from a leaf
D’oh! The email notice of this said November 2011 deadline.
Oh well.
When she said, “You’re hot.”
I thought she meant ‘attractive’,
Not ‘combusting’. Damn.
For the sake of people trying to enter long after the contest is done, I’m closing the comments now.