Become a Character in My Latest Book: A Contest

So, I’m busily writing away on my newest book, the one that should be out sometime in 2012. And I just wrote a character whose name is currently “Lieutenant Merkel,” for no good reason than because for that second I was thinking about Germany. But I don’t really like the name for the character, so I figured, hey, why not have a contest, the winner of which will get to have his or her name replace that of Merkel’s?

Why not indeed.

So, a contest! The winner of which will have his or her name replace that of Merkel’s. Now, before you enter, here’s what you need to know:

1. Merkel/You is a bit player, but of generally good character;
2. Merkel/You may or may not live to see the end of the story. Because if someone has to die, I need to work with what I have on hand.

So you need to be cool with the fact there’s a chance I might kill “you” off. But if I have to I’ll try to have it be, like, heroic and all. But no promises. If it makes sense for the story to have you ingested by voles, I’ll be doing that. Because, hey, man. I’m an artist.

To acclimate yourself to the concept of death, that will be the theme of the contest.

For the contest, write a haiku from the point of view of some who is either about to die or has just died, from one (or more!) of the following:

1. A spider monkey or monkeys;
2. LASERS
3. Poor GPS directions
4. And, of course, Spontaneous Human Combustion.

So, for example:

I’m really amazed
Who knew that spider monkeys
Enjoy human snacks?

or

Did you know humans
Smell like bacon when they fry?
Just found out myself!

Got it? Excellent.

Rules!

1. One haiku per person. So make it good.

2. “Haiku” in this case means a poem in 5/7/5 syllable configuration. You don’t need to make a seasonal reference.

3. All entries have to be in by 11:59:59pm Eastern, Sunday, January 16, 2011.

4. If you win, the name used will be your last name. The person using your name may or may not be of your own sex/nationality/creed/sexual predilections, etc. You won’t be able to substitute anyone else’s name.

And there you are. Drop your entries in the comment thread.

Good luck!

776 Comments on “Become a Character in My Latest Book: A Contest

  1. O laser-wielding
    Spider monkeys; now I broil.
    Recalculating…

  2. an Ice shark you say!
    what the hell is an ice shark?
    Oh my god, LASERS!

  3. Required obvious usage of all components:

    Damn spider monkeys;
    Their GPS has led us
    Into lasers – foom!

  4. Long limbs, sharp teeth, claws,
    Fierce hungry spider monkeys
    Rip my skin and flesh.

  5. How was I to know
    “Turn left in 500 feet”
    Was last year’s update?

  6. GPS broken,
    Something blue in front of car
    Splash, glub glub, glub glub.

  7. Off the map again,
    Though a thousand feet too high.
    The canyon is grand . . .

  8. I will kill you all
    you LASER Monkeys of Death
    will burn with me now

  9. I will soon combust
    from L.A.S.E.R.S. aimed at my head
    by damned dirty apes!

  10. In bad neighborhood
    The monkey gangs have ray guns
    Way to go, Tom-Tom

  11. Lasers as weapons
    Don’t make much sense but they do
    work well against hearts.

  12. If I schedule a
    Time to burst into flames, is
    It spontaneous?

  13. Flash – Ah! Ah! Tom-tom
    Led us to Spider Monkey
    Lair – Their Lasers BURN!

  14. Blindly following
    This device that suggested
    “drive straight” to Rome. Fuck.

  15. The monkies’ laser
    eyes watch amused as I burn
    Afire from their gaze

  16. Grinning monkeys shoot
    laser beams from hacked blurays
    through my swiss cheese brain

  17. Ain’t no z in the
    word laser, should have warned me
    damn monkeys broke code

  18. So my mate asked me
    for more spontaneity.
    I combust. Happy?

  19. lasers in the dark
    hunting for their human prey
    I DON’T WANT TO DIE!

    This totally made my day! It has been Inaugural Haiku Week in my second grade classroom this week. Glad to see i’m teaching the kiddos useful life skills.

  20. Happens quite often
    Not reported widely
    Little green globule.

    – with apologies to “This Is Spinal Tap”

  21. Can’t believe my eyes
    Is it monkey or spider?
    Too late too Google.

  22. Death rays from the trees…
    Bananas in arms, I run…
    Flee Lazer Monkeys

  23. here is my entry:

    Bad GPS, flames
    I am burning from Lasers
    Spider Monkeys feast

  24. My Yoda Tom-Tom
    said left then right, you must turn
    a tree, I did crash

  25. Holy crap, I just died!
    Who knew I could just blow up?
    Spontaneous indeed!!

  26. Final Communication from the Purported Victim of Spontaneous Human Combustion:

    Help! Exit blocked by
    A frackin’ monkey firefight
    With LASER pistols!

  27. Not worth entering
    this competition, because
    my name is Merkel

  28. Drinking at the zoo
    I fell in with primitives
    Spider monkey death

  29. Evil villian taunts…
    “You gonna burn baby, burn”
    I think this will hurt.

  30. a sudden turn right
    driving south on highway 1
    the view, so scenic

  31. My spider monkey,
    Trained to be my helping hands.
    Pulled the trigger, twice.

  32. Snow obscures my sight
    Water pools around my feet
    Fucking GPS

  33. Explosive heartburn:
    Ours is not to reason why
    Ours is just to die.

    Louise Curtis

  34. “Name?” “Merkel.” “Merkin?”
    “Merkel. Merkin‘s GPS
    set his hair aflame.”

  35. “Okay, turn right here
    After the bridge, take a left.”
    “After what bridge AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……”

  36. Monkeys with lasers?
    Since when do they grok science?
    Damn you, GPS!

  37. Wait November rain
    Frenzy building within me
    I am combustion

  38. Aluminum foil
    blocks government mind probes, but
    not Martian death rays.

  39. Stupid GPS.
    Not the spider monkey house
    in the German zoo!

  40. red beams of light tend
    to anger spider monkeys
    hey! don’t shoot that las—

  41. Roast pork is good
    Roast human is better
    Flame on my friend

  42. GPS error
    led to spider monkeys with
    lasers…I go boom

  43. woah where’d he go
    this gunk will never come off
    damn he owed me cash

  44. Her lips meet my own.
    Passionate heat consumes me…
    Wait, am I burning?

  45. Turn right, proceed, stop.
    Obstacle. Laser charred monkeys.
    Reverse, turn, turn..aaaaaah!

  46. Lying here I bake
    Here is me all crispy
    Human Combustion

  47. Satellite misled;
    This is not the Monkey Jungle
    But death by photons.

  48. Friggin’ laser beams
    Guess it Could Always Be Worse
    Sparkly Death Ponies

  49. ‘Spontaneous’ is
    hard to fit in a haiku.
    But lasers hurt verse.

  50. I blame Ateles
    Who built laser GPS
    More than wick effect

  51. Death by flaming poop
    Damned spider monkeys just can’t
    Obey Wheaton’s Law

  52. I burst into flames
    A bright light with no spark
    I’m afraid of the dark.

  53. Monkey seeks revenge
    Laser won’t work in the fog
    Sticky end awaits

  54. Many ways to die
    It was my time I suppose
    But… SPIDER MONKEYS?!

  55. Monkeys at my back
    G.P.S. says turn left now
    A cliff ahead. Damn.

  56. That fire in my pants?
    It wasn’t because of you . . .
    But that’s what you’ll say.

  57. My soul rises up
    Leaves my mortal husk below
    Checked in at FourSquare

  58. Fire! Spontaneous
    Combustion? GPS wrong…
    LASER?!? Bad monkey!!!

  59. Spontaneously
    I have combusted by the
    Will of the Monkey.

  60. Lasers blinded me.
    Horror; but calmed not worse.
    Then monkey cuts deep.

  61. A river was met
    when the gps said to
    turn left at the light

  62. Incinerated.
    I guess “DON’T PUSH THIS BUTTON”
    Isn’t ironic.

  63. Seen before my death:
    Space Marines, laser monkeys
    Combust as equals.

  64. Lasers from above
    Jetpacks on spider monkeys
    Final deadly vision

  65. Plonge dans le laser
    Regarde tes tripes s’embraser
    Te voilà cramé

    (This a perfect valid entry as the rules nerver said the haiku has to be in English. ;p )

  66. Stupid GPS.
    Turned left at the monkey cage
    And lasers lit me on fire.

  67. Something burning, death
    flames crackling, blazing white hot
    my life, up in smoke

  68. Spider monkey’s GPS
    guided me to laser trap
    and I exploded

    Does GPS count as 3 syllables? I was hoping I’d qualify because of Darby’s Rangers in WWII, and I was killed off in an active shooter exercise by the county police. I took multiple soap pellets in the back by a squad of officers.

  69. Spider monkeys come
    I await with my laser
    Backfire causes death

  70. Lights come up brightly
    Count down for intro and *flash*!!!
    Damn you, Spinal Tap!!!

    (Gee, all to be that red-shirted Security guy that gets killed in John’s new novel! ;) )

  71. When my car advised
    “Turn left in 100 feet”
    It laughed evilly.

  72. Monkeys with LASERS!
    Oh how I did not want these
    To be my last wor…

  73. Navigation fail
    Led to monkey with lasers
    Heart and brain now toast.

  74. Laser fried retinas
    Tom-Tom says this path is safe
    Say, what’s that rustling?

  75. Fish swam past my ear.
    I should have bought an iPhone.
    My Prius sinks fast.

  76. I never grasped how
    simple coherent light isnt
    When in my spleen

    Happy 50th anniversary of the laser

  77. Turn left ahead and
    escape from laser monkeys
    Is it hot in here?

  78. My namesake died too
    Death by lost monkey lasers
    Made his head explode

  79. Terrible rising
    Heat; my face is flaming now
    an ash pile floats

  80. I always hated
    the voice of my GPS…
    now I’ll go haunt her.

  81. I did as asked
    Now there is lasers all around
    Damn that GPS

  82. Or maybe

    Arachnoides!
    Bioelectricity!
    Recalculating…

    if you really want to be picky about species.

  83. o’er a great distance
    simian lasers killed me
    my name was star-fox

  84. In an old jungle,
    A man descends to the earth.
    The sound of monkeys.

  85. Where the fuck am I?
    Jump off the cliff, GPS?
    Really? Well, okay–AAAAHHH!!!!

  86. Poof, sizzle, smolder
    All that is left is a foot
    Which the cat picks at

  87. Smoke from roasted flesh
    calling the spider monkeys
    to feast on remains

  88. Garmin led me to
    Laser-armed spider monkeys!
    Angry, I combust!

  89. “Don’t worry,” you said;
    “the evil overlord won’t
    think to use monkeys.”

  90. Garmin failed again
    Ambushed by spider monkeys
    Wait, what? They got LAS-

  91. This geocache is
    An artillery shell! Grab
    That red wire and lift…

  92. Wings erupt from trees
    My own personal dead end
    Thanks a lot, Tom-Tom

  93. Recalculating
    Turn left for spider monkey
    Lasers… I mean cake…

  94. The spider monkeys gnaw
    I’m losing a lot of blood
    It kind of tickles

  95. Blue spider monkeys
    Cheer up firing red lasers.
    Watch me turn white hot.

  96. Obsolete Sat Nav
    leads to laser firing range.
    That just burns me up!

  97. The box said ‘turn right’,
    But not ‘into a brick wall’.
    No refunds for ghosts.

  98. Is it hot in here,
    (Wait, is that BBQ I smell?)
    Or is it just me?

  99. Blue spider monkeys,
    Lasers for their eyes, who knew?
    Zzap, there go my legs….

  100. springsteen-inspired
    mad gadget makes desire
    real. whoa, i’m on fire

  101. Leg on fire, clinic!
    Spider monkey fangs in heart.
    Stupid GPS.

  102. Recalculating.
    Turn up in. Two hundred feet.
    Satelite link lost.

  103. Laser beam of pain
    Did I offend the simian?
    Beware the monkey.

  104. Wrong turn off a cliff
    No show to the big party
    lying GPS

  105. Spider monkeys with lasers
    Ha ha never laughed so hard
    Now not so funny

  106. Oh spider monkeys,
    Sorry to hear you’re endangered.
    I’m endangered too.

  107. My Life flashes by…
    Now dipping toes in the Styx
    Junk GPS sigh!

  108. I, too, feel compelled to combine all elements:

    The Tom-tom was wrong.
    Spider monkey has laser.
    So now I combust.

  109. “Hot enough for you?”
    Fat man squints and mops his brow.
    Won’t he be surprised.

  110. A flash of HeNe,
    Excited electrons fall
    BOOM, an awful mess

  111. I took your advice,
    Up a road I knew poorly.
    Whoa, that drop was far!

  112. Another wrong turn —
    What monkeys coded this thing!
    I burst into flame.

  113. followed gps
    “turn right in one hundred feet”
    found cliff not road. bye.

  114. Tell the T.S.A.
    Spider monkey does not like
    junk touched at airport.

  115. It said: Walk 50 meters
    But how should I have known that
    A spacesuit was needed

  116. One: Mount Saint Helen’s
    Two: Helena, Montana
    THESE ARE NOT THE SAME!

  117. Lasers: they shot me!
    I’m unexpectedly dead
    No longer a fan.

  118. I lost satellite
    Now stupid spider monkeys
    Wish me out of bones

  119. Turn left now, she said.
    Faith in technology trumps
    The brain; now brain dead.

  120. The monkeys have set
    wrong lat/long on GPS
    laser guns. I’m toast.

  121. Random Super 8.
    Fucked Ateles, liked his gun.
    Butt set bed aflame.

  122. Turn at primate house
    Hey, that monkey has a las…
    Recalibrating

  123. Burn burn burn,
    from the inside to ashes I turn.
    Cleansing

  124. A thousand monkeys
    typewriting my epitaph
    fail at sestina

  125. Here come the monkeys
    with lasers on their small heads
    oh god, the horror!

  126. Invasion. Now time
    wrong turns to meters off and
    our missiles find me —

    (silly relativity & GPS directions!!)

  127. The damn GPS
    led me to spider monkeys
    playing with lasers

  128. Spider monkey quips to monkeys
    Your poor GPS directions deserve
    Lasers or Spontaneous Monkey Combustion

  129. I evaded lasers
    Escaped the spider monkeys
    GPS killed me

  130. Reposting this, as it seems to have eaten the first one:

    Spider monkeys do
    Shoot lasers, in Germany.
    Damn GPS. Poof!

  131. monkeys with lasers
    are waiting around this bend.
    I hate you, OnStar.

  132. As earth becomes air,
    A voice reverberates,
    “Recalculating…”

  133. Peering down on me
    which is looking like burnt toast
    Now I’m which not who

  134. Smeared with bananas
    staked to the Serengeti
    the monkeys are here

  135. As my end drew near
    I learned to respect and fear
    Monkey Laser Tag

  136. Lasers all used up
    Spider monkeys all around
    I shall now combust

  137. The light finds my pod
    And punctures my canopy
    Motes in the atmo

    I’m going to play against the other entries, and do something (hopefully) non-humorous. :) Is it tacky that this is inspired by a story I’m writing?

  138. Ten spider monkeys
    Running amok with lasers
    Burn lost man alive

  139. Left? (re-) Right? Straight? Wait,
    is that (-cal-cu-) monstrous huge
    death pit real? (-la-)

  140. “Only one tonight?” smug
    maitre d’ speaks down to me.
    Soup, salad, laser?

  141. Re·cal·cu·lat·ing…
    The last word I hear before
    lasers slice me up

  142. Bad spider monkeys
    Here by GPS error
    Eating my face off

  143. So hot I’m on fire
    How did it happen to me?
    Spontaneously!

  144. No man knows his fate
    None expects the GPS
    Murdered by Tom-Tom

  145. Razor thin red light
    Cuts into forty pieces
    Body but not soul.

  146. “No guard rail ahead”
    “Four wheel drive recommended”
    It’s a long way down.

  147. Why do I smell smoke?
    I feel like I’m burning up.
    Oh, no, I’m on *FOOMF*!

  148. on my way to jill’s.
    oh, what a creepy cabin.
    ahhhh, jason vorhees!

  149. I find true love and
    spontaneously combust.
    Wow, that really sucks.

  150. Ignore all warnings!
    Rebel against all labels!
    Now I can’t see shit.

  151. Faulty GPS
    Leads to spider monkey lair
    Who gave them lasers?!

  152. Opposable Thumbs:
    You need them to use Lasers?
    My Monkey says, “No?”

  153. GPS wielding
    spidermonkeys still caught me.
    Merkel died for naught.

  154. The smallest of teeth
    Can yet shear the flesh from bone –
    Lo, Spider monkeys!

  155. Dashing young soldier —
    Where’s that red light coming from?
    There goes my left arm.

  156. “Spider monkey chow:
    Nuts, fruits, insects.” Really? Then
    Is my spleen desert?

  157. Tomtom said to turn
    Left on the pier at Pike’s Market
    My car does not float

  158. GPS misfired,
    Star Wars defense satellite
    Awoke: (super) Nova.

  159. Turn left at that light,
    Through the swarm of killer bees,
    Wait for screams to stop.

  160. Darwin Award time.
    I can’t use a GPS.
    Off the cliff I go.

  161. GPS is dead.
    Is that a monkey I see?
    Laser. No, wait! Combustion.

  162. Was writing haiku,
    Failed to count correctly.
    Not my real name, yay.

  163. Caught in laser fire
    by monkeys armed with Garmins.
    Better that than shit…

  164. Winter chill abates
    As monkey-mounted lasers
    Char my tender flesh

  165. Magic rocks be damned….
    This can’t be worth the payoff!
    *Poof* goes my tushie

    I love haiku…thanks for the contest. My last name is “Tilden”.

  166. spider monkeys eyes
    beams of hate heat my body
    wrong turn, i explode

    (Matthew Caffrey)

  167. Lt. Pike enters:

    coherent light stabs
    winter is briefly summer
    I slump to the floor

  168. Wee spider monkey
    Watching over my remains
    You look so damn cute.

  169. Into the treetops
    I hunt the spider monkey
    Branch snaps, monkey laughs.

  170. Suddenly, I burn!
    “Turn left now,” the Garmin squeaks.
    Gas Station? KABOOM!

  171. Satnav says we’re here
    I don’t recall Pizza Hut
    being quite so wet

  172. Satnav is offline
    I wanted to AVOID death
    But now I’m just vapor

  173. How did that get there
    My GPS on Facebook
    Update my status

  174. How will you know people are telling the truth about their last name if they don’t enter it here? My last name could be Crapwhistle for all you know

  175. Poof! There goes the wife.
    Come laser wielding monkeys.
    Left turn here my ass.

  176. I am a helper
    Spider Monkey Command calls
    Now, I am your death

  177. Standing on a cliff
    I know there’s no such thing as
    Orbital Mind Con…

  178. “Glo•bal” the screen says,
    “Ther•mo•nu•cle•ar War” -pause-
    “Do you want to play?”

  179. Spider monkey born
    Made human by a poor scribe
    At peace I explode

  180. Bad coordinates
    Lazer spider monkey nest
    A bad day indeed

  181. rapture approaches
    a wave of decimation
    myself tenth in line

    faithless normally
    my ending here a result
    of ill direction

    (outdated phone maps
    apparently unaware
    of monkey cult march)

    stuck in foot traffic
    while worshipers incandesce
    in well-spaced flashes

    i mark the pattern
    and witness the burning of
    every tenth face

    gridlock confines me
    panic absent, i now wait
    curious to see

    if in the moment
    i’ll see the monkey-god’s hand
    holding a laser

  182. Guess what got me killed?
    My Navigation System!
    Should have upgraded!

  183. Screams, blood, tiny hands …
    Spider monkey cage ajar.
    Good help hard to find.

  184. Satellites misled
    Me to monkeys with lasers.
    My escape? Pyrrhic….

  185. Damn you, Magellan.
    “Left turn on spider monkeys”?!?
    I hope I die well.

  186. Whoops, should have included my last name. It’s “Mitchell”.

  187. Okay, so I’m not the first (or forty-first) to try to use all components…

    Nevertheless.

    Monkeys fired lasers
    Bad GPS made them miss
    So why do I fry?

  188. blood spreads on the rock —
    spider monkeys converging
    as my world goes black

  189. Laser-killed monkeys smell
    no worse than inner-flamed fen.
    Don’t take the red pill.

  190. Spider monkeys steal
    Tom-Tom, loosing lasers in
    my heart. I combust.

  191. “Monkey Backpack Nuke”?
    What idiot would invent…
    Hey! A thousand suns!

  192. GPS fails me
    lost laser monkeys arrive
    angrily, they fire

  193. In snow, turn by turn,
    toward laser spider monkeys.
    I feel hot inside.

  194. This is just to say
    Spider monkeys have eaten
    Plums and me. So sweet.

    If Georgmi, whose surname I share, wins, I shall still have the potential pleasure of seeing a Mitchell red-shirted. (Likewise for Georgmi if I win.)

  195. Will I be happy?
    The fortuneteller grins wide
    You’ll explode with joy

  196. A friendly cold voice
    Told me to make that right turn
    At the roadworks sign

  197. Adrift… cold… starving
    lobal positioning: Void
    Monkey, friend, eat me

  198. Winter warmth. We call
    it “Spontaneous” Human
    Combustion. It’s not.

  199. Dumb Scalzi contest,
    No chance at all to win this,
    Crap, I just caught fire.

  200. My flesh feeds a tribe
    Trust the automap to think
    Monkeys are harmless

  201. I was just sitting,
    Perfectly happy. Then I
    Burst into flames.

  202. LIDAR plane crashing
    Mountain multipaths abound
    Spot spacing splat squish

  203. LIDAR plane crashing
    Blessed are the mapmakers
    Dead of multipath

    Why yes, I am a surveyor.

  204. Wake up! It’s morning.
    Happily going to work.
    Whistling as I…BOOM.

  205. Character contest
    which I want to win so bad
    therefore I explode

  206. A feeling inside.
    A pang of indigestion?
    must have been the…BOOM!

  207. She told us to turn.
    Too bad ramp was incomplete.
    Should’ve upgraded.

  208. Mexican for lunch
    Next time I’ll stick with pizza
    gaseous explosion

  209. eight burning eyes of
    the arachnosimian
    twinkled like the stars

  210. Proceed for five miles
    Next intersection, turn left
    Turn left, turn left, BAM!

  211. Laser helps combust
    Monkeys, but how did they get
    the control box… crap.

  212. Hot laser in eye
    I meet my end in his way
    Spider Monkey laughs

  213. “Turn right on dirt road.
    In three point five miles–” Just then,
    The car sank in lake.

  214. I brought bananas
    when you cried: “spider monkeys!”
    – not anti-venom.

    (And, out of contest, a GPS-tanka:

    Up-up, down, down then
    left right twice B&A, Start?
    I do believed you,
    Oh, machine, but there is no
    cheatcode for the Grand Canyon. )

  215. Push that red button
    and pew pew go the lasers
    swiftly, the end comes

    (Too many Mimiron attempts? Perhaps.)

  216. Hot sweating a lot
    My skin is bubbling up
    I’m smelling bacon

  217. Lasers on the fritz
    Vampire spider monkeys pounce
    Alas, woe is me…

  218. Alas, I am dead
    Stupid laser spatula
    Damn you Ron Popeil

  219. Is it warm in here?
    I feel ike I am on fire
    Oh my god I am

  220. Suddenly on fire
    I think of would haves, should haves…
    Screw it. No regrets!

  221. Oops, typo. Must fix.

    Is it warm in here?
    I feel like I am on fire
    Oh my god I am

  222. Spider Monkey knew
    with infinite precision
    where to aim the beam.

  223. Next Left, twenty feet:
    The Black Hole of Calcutta?
    No, just a black hole.

  224. Led ’round in circles;
    I could not find Store Two Four;
    Food and I expir’d.

  225. Monkeys, we are lost.
    Your lasers cannot help now.
    Wait – am I burning?

  226. a second tree falls
    did a black cuboid cause this?
    I don’t see the gun.

  227. How’d my GPS
    Become Allstate’s “mayhem” guy?
    Get out of my car!

  228. Spider monkey eyes,
    GPS guided lasers
    Explode my head – ow!

  229. “Turn left,” it ordered
    Monkeys cheer while I combust
    Still the lasers shine

  230. Smoldering glow
    Flames consume this pallid flesh
    Finally I’m hot stuff!

  231. When swallow you do
    The yellow material
    Combustion results

  232. sole consolation:
    my ignition also slew
    that spider monkey

  233. Bad spider monkey.
    Don’t block the laser reader
    for the GPS. STOP! NOT…

  234. Monkey Spider kills
    Eight mutant legs crushing me
    Banana breath death

  235. Exploding with flame,
    That will show those laser-armed
    Spider monkey twits!

  236. Spider Monkey Gangs?!
    Laser turf war? Not again.
    Damn you, Google Maps!

  237. Playing the blues now
    Took a wrong turn, hit a cow
    Down by the crossroads

  238. Spider Monkeys with
    poor GPS and “Lasers”
    Why am I so warm?

  239. I never believed
    spontaneous combustion?
    I do now ow! ow!

  240. Point three micron more
    than a cat’s toy; much depends
    on calibration

  241. Orbital Cannon,
    GPS coordinates set.
    Monkey! what have you…

  242. I knew they threw poo,
    But I never thought monkeys
    Could shoot lasers too

  243. Laser pointers suck
    They blind me from far away
    Causing me to wreck

  244. Brand new GPS
    How did I end up here, then?
    Air would have been nice.

  245. So computer says
    “Exit highway now.” Right now.
    Offramp? What offramp?

  246. I made a good meal
    those horrid spider monkeys
    Started with my toes

  247. One searing red burst:
    the unbearable brightness
    of death by laser.

  248. Feces flung at me
    From many furry lil’ hands
    Oh poop! I’m drownin’?

  249. shit that is supposed to be “Sans” not “San”
    Alas, too much Scotch.
    Glinlivet, I must admit
    More than two. or three.

  250. Tied down, laser on,
    “Mister Bond, expect to die…”
    Not the crotch first! Please!

  251. GPS explodes
    Combustion explained, monkey
    Lasers flashing, gone

  252. Monkey brandishes
    Bright Laser Designator
    Red dot on my BOOM

  253. There is a (dead) soap opera character with my exact name and spelling. It makes vanity Google searches difficult.

  254. Ruby glow fading
    Monkey incineration
    Feast on brainz tonight

  255. No one can pronounce
    Either of my two last names.
    Therefore, I won’t play.

    -by Angeline LeLeux-Bajzek

  256. Monkeys scream at dawn
    My entrails glisten redbrown
    “Ford the stream” my ass.

  257. Guidance from above
    Rest of bridge is elusive
    Airbags won’t help here

  258. Call Mythbusters, stat!
    Human combustion’s real and
    I smell delicious

    If you should choose me as the winner I’m going to have to insist that my character die before the end. Preferably in some horrible and perverted way.

    Awesome contest. Thanks.

  259. The last thing I heard
    As the car rolled down and down:
    “Recalculating”

  260. A bright light ahead
    I don’t recall tunnel?
    Train! Damn this G. P…*CRASH*

  261. Buying groceries
    Standing in line to check out
    …I feel weird. KA-BOOM!

  262. By the way – I personally would cry if the character was NOT ingested by voles.

  263. Drive North ten miles.
    Which way is North? I can’t tell.
    OH GOD! Dinosaurs.

  264. A laser killed me. 
    Now I’m a spider monkey
    In my brand new life.

  265. Her name was Laser
    She ate my heart like cancer
    No more life after

  266. In a LASER duel
    Old Spice Man drew so quickly!
    Poof! Monocle smile.

  267. New treasure app blew
    No gold, just lasers and poo!
    My primate corpse, burns…

  268. Personally, I like #357 so far. But here’s my entry:

    Anger like the heat
    of a hundred million suns —
    GPS cliff death.

    Best contest ever, btw.

  269. The last thing I heard
    was “eat flaming laser death.”
    Video game corpse.

  270. My wife runs lasers,
    So I married her for love.
    She got a target.

    [true-ish story – my wife is a laser physicist]

  271. Frak, Spider Monkeys
    With laser fingers attacked.
    Blew me to shreds, ick.

  272. There is a red dot
    Fixated on my forehead.
    What can I do? Boom!

  273. Secretly replaced
    your GPS with laser
    satellites. Noticed?

  274. Too late I found out
    My tom tom was reprogrammed
    By spider monkey chef

  275. Avoided monkeys,
    Dodging lasers handily;
    Why am I on fire?

  276. Have a banana
    What the hell with the LASERs?
    Oh, you’ve done me wrong!

  277. My blood soaks the street.
    My GPS told me “left”,
    it should have been “right”.

  278. “Turn left in one mile,”
    said the spider monkey’s voice.
    Make the turn, and- ZOT.

  279. Your remaining eye
    should not be used when staring
    into the laser.

  280. An infinity
    of monkeys dropping on me.
    Damn! Damn you, Shakespeare!

  281. Smoke of singed flesh
    Listfully dances in air
    Dusk approaches slow

  282. Damn it, not my face!
    You were supposed to aim for
    The huge Jiffy Pop

  283. The warrior monkey
    Wildly firing dread laser
    Obliterates spaceman

  284. Monkeys, go away!
    Don’t touch my navigator!
    Wait, is that a la-

  285. This is not Rio
    Are those… monkeys with lasers?
    What are they do- WHOOMP

  286. (a true story)

    Crematorium?
    “You have entered a dead end.”
    Said the GPS.

  287. Fire burning me
    Monkeys crawling up my leg
    Where did I go wrong?

  288. Wings on monkeys, dumb.
    Laser vision, dumber still.
    Nobel prize doubtful.

  289. “Turn left at next ramp,
    Past the huge spider monkeys,
    And burn,” the voice said.

  290. Do we have to include our last name in our post or are you going to contact them?

  291. Surprise cliff-face.
    Spring blooms can’t cushion my fall.
    Not a bridge at all.

  292. Light shafts shine through leaves
    to the musty forest floor.
    Slender fingers tug.

  293. Prehensile tail blinds
    Driver’s vision; check navsys
    Routed to lake, sunk!

  294. Hey, those beans taste good!
    Though maybe they give me gas
    But they taste too….BOOOOM!

  295. (Not an entry; just a comment)

    OOOHHH! I so want to win this one! “Lieutenant Whybird” in a Scalzi novel would be like the coolest thing ever! The name is from a pair of saxon words: Wy=War, Berd=Bright – so like ‘illustrious warrior” or something. Or maybe “Fightin’ with Lasers” :)

    Sadly, Haiku is one of my least favourite poetic forms to write, but I will try. It may take me a day or so, but I will try.

  296. Warm is nice; warmer;
    warmer; ahhhhh – Spontaneous
    Human Combustion

  297. It was all their fault.
    My corpse rots in the jungle.
    Stupid damn monkeys!

  298. The sat nav said “right”.
    The screen did not show the cliff.
    Death by GPS

  299. Slowly sinking here
    Amid the quicksands of Mars
    Damn that GPS

  300. Oh no, not again.
    Sighing, falling Petunia.
    Recalculating.

  301. OK, I didn’t spend a whole day on it, but hopefully this is good:

    Ironically, I,
    With a name that means “War Bright”,
    Lost the laser fight.

  302. Canned voice failed to warn
    Of imminent painful death
    By monkeys. Gutted.

  303. Hidden death you bring
    Laser, coherent light beam
    Mankind deadly sting

  304. From my cold dead hands
    You cannot prise my laser
    Damn dirty monkeys!

  305. Damn, in my previous post i didn’t realise the repetition in “death” and “deadly”… Please, ignore it and consider the following one instead:

    Hidden death you bring
    Laser, coherent light beam
    Mankind lethal sting!

  306. Turn your monkey left
    See his laser working right
    Make them burn in front

  307. GPS…Monkies…
    Laser Guns…Did It…Not Me…
    Firing Squad Takes Aim…

  308. Human Combustion
    Killed me as sure as lasers,
    Can’t eat bacon now.

  309. WikiPedia
    said they’re vegetarians
    “crowd wisdom” indeed.

  310. Monkeys like spiders
    Tooled up, surrounding me
    Death by Monkeys

  311. My girlfriend gave me
    A very special present
    It looks so n-AAAAAHHHHH

  312. My next band is
    Spider Monkeys with Lasers!
    Thilled, I combusted.

  313. Wait… I was killed by
    spider monkeys with lasers??
    What the hell, Scalzi?!

  314. I made the wrong turn;
    the armed monkeys awaited
    and fired. Damn GPS.

  315. I was in great pain
    anal dwelling spider monkeys
    Jim Carey as God.

  316. “There is no such thing!”
    I scoffed, ironically.
    “Logic dictates Spon-“

  317. GPS was wrong,
    i’m surrounded by monkeys
    one has my gun, ZAP

  318. God damn it tom tom
    you said to make a left turn
    right off a damn cliff!

  319. A six leaf clover!
    Alas, a monkey stole it
    now my luck’s run out.

  320. Monkey on windshield
    A woman’s voice, Jeep meets tree
    Nature, Grim and me

  321. My fiery death
    will cause cravings for pork rinds.
    So – I’m cool with that.

  322. I drank flaming punch.
    Now I’m tingling all over.
    What smells so yummy?

  323. My love for her grew
    I had that special feeling
    My heart’s on her sleeve

  324. Monkey Commander.
    Metric coordinates. So.
    Sudden end in flame.

  325. Self-immolation,
    or death by spider monkeys?
    My choice has been made.

  326. Just drove off a cliff.
    My life flashes before me.
    TomTom don’t know shit.

  327. Prepare. Line my room
    With gypsum boards and perlite.
    Mother will survive.

  328. All this kowtowing,
    pandering to ray gun monks.
    I’ll combust instead.

  329. Lost! Damn GPS.
    These laser-toting spider
    monkeys look helpful.

  330. Spider monkey beam
    lasers my flesh and I burn
    “Turn right” bad idea!

  331. A wrong turn, damn’d map
    Ah, the road not taken. Sir?!
    Would you direct m-

  332. Holy F-ing crap
    There are too many entries
    my haiku is toast

  333. Or, perhaps better

    too many entries
    like me, my haiku is toast
    spontaneously

  334. Entry: LASERS

    Light monotonic
    Cohesion interrupted
    Red mist of brain goo

    Bonus extra haiku, because I’m bored at work:

    Never trust monkeys!
    Oh Grandfather, why did I
    Doubt your sage advice?

    Turn left. No! turn right!
    Tiny map and grating voice—
    Sends me off a cliff!

    Getting hot in here
    You feel hot? No? I feel hot.
    Flee! I’m on FIRE!

  335. Monkeys with lasers?
    But this damn thing said turn left!
    Is it hot in here?

  336. The voice commands me:
    Turn left now, exit, one mile.
    Starlight Cliff; Life’s exit.

  337. Equivalency:
    Spider monkey with flashlight:
    LASER DESTRUCTION

  338. I’m going to die
    They call them spider monkeys
    here on rigel six

  339. Spontaneous burn
    By self-impelled combustion
    Too much chili, then

  340. I saw the monkey
    he fixed my tomtom but then
    he went Pew pew pew!

    P.S., can it be my first name instead of my last name?
    Thanks.

  341. Dead again it seems.
    Last time I trust my monkey
    Cleaning my laser!

  342. Who sent my killer –
    Laser-armed spider monkey?
    Oh shit, ’twas Scalzi!

  343. Swallowed my cigar,
    With vodka will it mix well?
    What’s that sulfur smell…….

  344. When shot by lasers,
    Dead before you hear “PEW PEW!”
    Damn laws of physics

  345. Spider monkeys with lasers
    Arrive too late; damn.
    They find only a charred corpse.

  346. Yeah, it’s supposed to be 5/7/5… I need haiku lessons.

  347. Spider monkeys? Here?
    What are they holding? Lasers!
    That explains the smell.

  348. Who knew that the bridge
    collapsed into the river?
    Now I’m falling too …

  349. Screwed by goddamn tech.
    Cornered by sentient monkeys?
    How does this HAPPEN?!

  350. Lost! Where could I be?
    Is that a spider monkey?
    Tom Tom epic fail.

  351. I burst into flames.
    Did not see that one coming.
    Voles didn’t get me.

  352. Turn left on Spider
    Monkey Lane. Watch for deadly…
    Recalculating…

  353. Never bought map pack.
    Turned left. Crash. New highway. What?
    Recalculating…

  354. Sentient monkeys
    building their first laser gun.
    Wait…who’s the test sub-

  355. A laser from space
    Tarkin destroyed my planet
    Damn readiness test!

  356. God, it hurts so much,
    Something is very wrong here
    Damn stupid monkey

  357. O misdirection!
    This woeful den of monkeys
    Is not Red Robin!

  358. Eggs laid in my throat
    Hatch into spider monkeys.
    Never sleep opened-mouthed!

  359. It said take 10 west,
    But the ferry wasn’t there,
    The water is deep.

    ————

    Note: There are maps that show US-10 crossing Lake Michigan — it’s the route of the S.S. Badger ferry. Google, I’m looking at you.(grin)

    Dr. Phil

  360. Blinded, I mistake
    Ape Lincoln for Abe. Damned
    dirties set me alight.

  361. The turn by turn voice
    has issued the last message
    “I’m also a bomb.”

  362. Scratch that last haiku
    I didn’t read all the rules
    there is no excuse

  363. Gah. Let’s try that again:

    Blinded, I mistake
    Ape Lincoln for Abe. The damned
    dirties set me alight.

  364. Turn in 100 yards.
    Who knew? Bridge felled by flooding.
    Kind voice directs death.

  365. Fear held my heart still
    In the spider monkey cage;
    Gleaming teeth devour.

  366. Monkey takes my heart…
    Spider… G.P.S… Oh God!
    Wrong turn; blackness comes…

  367. Our Claire burned, asleep.
    Craigslist: Baby shoes, unworn;
    Bassinet? Sold cheap.

  368. Mean spider monkey
    aimed the laser badly, but
    fried me anyway.

  369. How’d it get my gun?
    Spider monkeys have wicked
    Itchy trigger tails.

  370. O tasty bacon
    Which came from my own side flesh
    Sci-fi cannibals!

  371. Spider monkeys feast
    on the entrails at my feet.
    Frickin laser beams!

  372. Vibrate molecules
    To evade Grodd’s death ray.
    What?…Landsat feedbaaaAAAK!

    Replaces earlier entry by ZBBM.

  373. Replaces more recent entry by ZBBM that was full of fail but not full of syllables.

    Vibrate molecules
    Grodd’s death ray passes through me.
    What?…Landsat feedbaaaAAAK!

  374. I never was slow
    In my mind invincible
    But lasers are fast

  375. What in the world is
    “Spontaneous Human Con-“
    WHOOMP – ahhh, now I know

  376. Slowly I grow warm
    Internal heat increases
    Suddenly I burn..

  377. Not spontaneous
    human combustion! Too Late!
    A smoldering husk.

  378. Eating with delight,
    the spider monkey hand nips
    the other kidney.

  379. “Go” suggests the box.
    “Turn” it recommends.
    “Oops” say I.

  380. Global climate change
    Mother Earth. outraged, responds
    Monkeys with H-bombs!

  381. A green focused beam

    Is the last thing that I saw

    Fuck, do I hate green

  382. Put down the zap gun
    I swear that Koko and I
    Were always just friends

  383. I missed the red sign
    Don’t aim laser at mirror
    Boy am I stupid

  384. Mom would not be proud
    That not-so-sweet atelines
    Ate her boy. Bye now.

  385. Driving down the road
    Suddenly I am on fire
    I smell like burning

  386. They aim the weapon.
    Light, coherent, amplified
    I miss my left arm.

  387. Self-immolation:
    Not religious, or angry,
    I’m just unlucky.

  388. Blown to smithereens
    Blood and guts coat my bedroom
    And I JUST painted.

  389. Strange, a wisp of smoke.
    Did I file my taxes yet?
    Incinerated!

  390. Army of primates
    A deadly situation
    Allergies aside

  391. TomTom got me lost
    Now monkeys with laser eyes
    Toast me like pop-tarts

  392. Road non-existent
    due to laser-weilding spider
    monkeys. Burning now.

  393. Flatulence was not
    Enough to save me from the
    Three bean burritos.

  394. Oh! Bridge not complete.
    Note to self for next life: Goal,
    Kill ALL map makers.

  395. Human centipede
    Preferred while spontaneous
    Human combusting

  396. “Programmed by monkeys!”
    Wife, fuming at GPS,
    Now lost in Costco.

  397. God Damn G.P.S.!
    New World Monkeys in the road!
    Red stains withered leaves

  398. Spider monkeys with…
    Lasers? GPS, I want
    Austin, TX, not Pow-

  399. Twenty metre bridge
    Turn right in 5 metres… now
    Icy water end

  400. like mind
    photon losing
    coherence

    I did this one with 5/7/5 mora rather than counting English syllables

  401. Laser gun duel. DRAW!
    spider monkeys are too fast
    but flames are faster

  402. Device said “bear left”
    but I _turned_ left and was thus
    eaten by whoodles.

  403. Spider Monkeys can’t
    Use lasers you idiot!
    Oh wait, guess they can.

  404. Bugs Bunny was wrong.
    Monkeys lurk past the left turn
    At Albuquerque.

  405. Note to future self:
    Calling on the muse of fire?
    Be polite: knock, first.

  406. GPS said left
    But my wife said turn right now!
    My choice turned out wrong.

  407. Half moon flares, molten
    Clouds fleeing, from the west
    Ceti Laser dawn!

  408. GPS commands
    Erroneous instruction
    Airbags, OnStar, End

  409. Monkey commandos

    Wait in ditch, lasers ready

    I’ve found the wrong cache-!

  410. Take the next right for
    Your final destination —
    In more ways than one

  411. The directions sucked.
    At least we agree on that.
    We are now falling.

  412. “Turn right at the light,”
    Tom-Tom prompted, and then said,
    “Go into the light.”

  413. My Garmin, my friend;
    Vista upgrade made you turn;
    Right, into tar pits.

  414. GPS says here
    It neglected to tell me
    I need a kay-…Glup

  415. Mapquest – take me home
    Nine out of ten get there safe
    Why am I number ten?

  416. Laser guides monkey
    Screaming down from miles up
    The target is me!

  417. Stuck in laser trap
    Curse the monkeys who sold me
    This damn Tom-Tom… FWOOOOOSH!

    (The last word is the sound of someone going up in flames thus, I have used all 4 things mentioned in mine)

  418. Heart signal dropping
    Celestial re-routing
    Transcendental realm

  419. Because my boyfriend’s GPS is now 3 years out of date:

    I told you, “Update!”
    Because I really don’t like
    The drop-off ahead.

  420. Pew three times. Laser?
    Monkey scat! G. ateles
    pwned sysop. grep harp.

  421. Ow, I thought as I
    Stepped into the Light. Who knew
    Monkeys gripped so tight?

  422. Discrimination
    No sex with spider monkeys!
    Death by laser beam

  423. The warning sign small,
    Walked into the laser grid
    Divided, I fell

  424. Dear Tom Tom, a word?
    The local freeway does NOT
    Off-ramp via this cliff…

  425. A flash of green light
    I’m in two, though I don’t bleed
    Instant death? Bullshit.

  426. Spiderous monkeys
    Split bananas for their web
    Slip. Sayonara.

  427. falling from the bridge,
    “turn around when possible”
    lets me die laughing

  428. Perform a U-Turn
    Visibility impaired.
    Story of my life.

  429. I dreamt of flying
    Who knew that “Flame On” would work
    My last words ever

  430. Glimpse of hope
    awakens shadows fast.
    Behold a living light.

  431. Basically, the same.
    New ways of flingin’ their poo.
    Monkeys love lasers.

  432. There once was a character name
    Which caused a poetical game
    So many haikus
    Yet Scalzi must choose
    To see which one will be the same

  433. Woke up a monkey;
    Not quite what I had in mind.
    That recruiter’s dead.

    Okay, so I chose a less literal, transcendental death; an Old Man’s War gone horribly wrong, if you will. After all, the future will be stranger than we know. I like the idea of character death by gross incompetence. That way you’re not only forcing your winner to come to terms with existential angst, but also issues of identity and ego as well (grin). Say, isn’t death by voles Kevorkian’s first choice (yes, I’ve seen his art as too)?

  434. A bright beam of light
    Disjoints me, sparking the thought:
    Who will feed my cat?

  435. Over my charred corpse
    Holmes asked, “Have you never heard…
    of Occam’s LASER?”

  436. The last thing I heard
    Before the beam splattered me:
    “Recalculating.”

  437. Oh, the burning heat
    from an all consuming fire.
    Damn that cigarette.

  438. What a crying shame
    All-seeing satellite eye
    Failed to note that cliff.

  439. I took a shortcut
    Now I’ll die in this jungle…
    Damn spider monkeys!

  440. Question: Can it be my maiden name? It’s so much cooler than my married name.

    Turn left, the voice said.
    Alas there was a large river
    between hire and there.

  441. Killed in Scalzi book.
    Monkeys with lasers. Pew! Pew!
    Expected better.

  442. Over the falls, but
    In my Ford, not a barrel.
    Too cheap to upgrade.

  443. Lost are we sad two
    Helper Bozo wrecked our guide
    Hurled his tragic poo

  444. Bright summer sunlight
    So hot, I burst into flames
    But I got better.

  445. GPS led to
    Den of crazed spider monkeys
    With LASERS! I’m toast.

  446. Not a haiku, but submitted for your approval regardless:

    Jiggery pokery
    Ateles belzebuth
    Lasered the satellites
    This won’t end well

    We should have realized
    Primatologically
    Give them an inch and they’ll
    Send you to hell

  447. curious monkey
    never let him find my corpse
    take this away — quick!

  448. floating past bodies
    searing crimson beams sparkle
    across icy black

  449. I like squirrels better
    But monkeys play with matches
    Immolation sucks

  450. Hypercloning works!
    My monkey army rises…
    Have I lost control?

  451. ‘Twixt sharp beam of light,
    And evil monkeys in flight
    Either un-makes me.

  452. Bright lights; simians,
    confound my navigation.
    Now I burn with loss.

  453. Lesson: Don’t buy a
    Spider Monkey GPS
    unless you can climb

  454. Today’s experiment
    4-D GPS Testing
    Ana, Up, Kata

    I am lost in time
    Spider-monkeys block my path
    Tom-Tom says turn left

    My nemesis precedes.
    His simians await me
    Escape to the sea!

    Laser-guided sharks
    Superior to monkeys
    I explode in sur—

  455. Meteor? Comet?
    GPS said this way now.
    Cliff drop! Sven burns up.

  456. My molecules grew
    Tired of current arrangements.
    A red flower blooms

  457. I missed the notice:
    ‘Do not look in laser beam
    with remaining eye’.

  458. I burn in Brazil
    Lasered by GPS sats
    Spider monkeys laugh

  459. Tiny teeth rend flesh.
    Why didn’t I have dollar?
    Damn organ grinders.

  460. When monkeys explode
    They do not taste like bacon
    “Warning: Do Not eat!”

  461. Brandon killed me once
    Goradel burnt to a crisp
    When the world ended

    (mistborn books)

  462. “Turn left now.” “Bien
    Venidos a Iquacu”
    How did they miss this?

    This needs explanation. Iguacu is the 11th biggest waterfall in the world. It has Less water, but is twice as wide as Niagara Falls. I thought it apropos as I´m living in Paraguay for 2 years. It´s technically in Brazil, but I figure it counts since I´m living about 2 hours away, and the name is in Guarani (means big water), which is pretty much exclusively spoken in Paraguay.

    On an unrelated note, thank you for making your site one of the few that is less than a living hell for an effectively worse than dial-up connection.

  463. “Turn left now.” “Bien
    Venidos a Iguacu.”
    How did they miss this?

    This needs explanation. Iguacu is the 11th largest waterfall in the world. It has less water per second than Niagara Falls, but is twice the width. I felt it was apropos as I´m living in Paraguay for 2 years. Technically, it´s in Brazil, but I figure it´s close enough as I only live 2 hours away, and it´s name is in Guarani (means big water), which is pretty much exclusively spoken in Paraguay.

    On an unrelated note, thank you for making your site one of the few which is less than a living hell to view on a connection effectively worse than dial-up.

  464. LASER just zapped me.
    Who knew the Mona Lisa
    Was so hard to steal?

  465. Bloody hell, it did post! Sorry about the repeat.

  466. Just realized I added on extra word and I didn’t mean to! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, I know I can’t re-submit but here: (just in case!)

    There’s no more bacon
    Traitor monkeys took it all
    I’ll see them in Hell

  467. Monkeys after me
    Coke Zero, you have my back
    Oh god, the lasers!

  468. *sigh* nine syllables
    How can I Haiku with that?
    And it’s spontan- *FWOOSH*

  469. Caching Monkey Hill
    GC2J45K
    Cache has been muggled!

    (A figurative death for the cache in question.)

  470. you had me at ingested by voles.

    make legal U turn
    spontaneously combust
    or die trying to

  471. GPS led us
    Into spider monkey nest!
    Ruh-roh Raggy! Yoinks!

  472. A secret tryst?
    Always wipe the GPS
    On your husband’s car.

  473. my character’s death
    forshadows my own demise
    lasered by monkeys

  474. My navigation’s
    followed automatically.
    Is that a wall? Oops.

  475. DEATH- FLAMES

    Death-Monkeys stalk me.

    Tom-Tom fails to guide my steps.

    Flames claim my body!

  476. Left at the stop sign?
    Flying off a cliff instead.
    Say hi, Mister Ground!

  477. I called him greenie
    That really pissed Szilard off
    His laser-gun speaks

  478. Pernicious primate!

    I’ve immense need of succor

    Strange defecations. . .

  479. In San Francisco,
    GPS said to turn left.
    Off Golden Gate bridge.

  480. No no no. NO NO.
    Aargh. Oh no. No no. Help me.
    No no no. NO NO.

  481. spontaneity
    is quite exhilarating
    until worlds ignite

  482. One thing left to me
    Gripping him like a limpet
    I burst into flames

    Nothing says heroic like gastropoda.

  483. Tourists in bright red Mustangs
    using GPS
    Wander lost in paradise.

  484. A smoldering love
    Is not a romantic tail
    if the flames are real

  485. errr

    A smoldering love
    Is not a romantic tale
    if the flames are real

    will my Haiku mail be graded too?

  486. Oh dang. 5-7-5? Can I recalibrate?

    In bright red Mustangs
    tourists using GPS
    lost in Paradise.

  487. Hmm, lasers or spontaneous combustion?

    Chased by monkeys,
    missed the turn to find my end
    thru a sparky flare.

  488. Songs of satellites,
    Errant circuits: “Arriving…
    At eternity.”

  489. Sign Above Laser:
    “Dead End – Go Back!” They Were Right.
    GPS Was Wrong.

    Cool contest, though a fe more themes for the death would have been cool :).

  490. Monkey silverware
    is not unlike weaponry
    Why do they watch me?

  491. Spider monkey flings
    poo at my GPS screen
    where’s my laser?

  492. happily driving,
    turn left into monkey pit.
    GPS man laughs…

  493. Ever distrustful
    G.P.S. Navigation
    Now I know why damn

  494. #16 is awesome! love the subtlety. Here’s mine:

    OH, MAH CRISPINESS
    WILL BE LEGENDARY! TAPE
    ME 2 KAT NAO PLZ?

  495. Yes dear, lost again.
    Fine dear, on with GPS.
    Oh dear, quite a drop!

  496. A tomb of old bones.
    Misstep, an ominous click.
    King Tut had lasers?

  497. GPS-guided
    monkey poo missiles!? LASER
    MALFUNCTION. Oh, shi-

    Expectations low.
    Haven’t written a haiku
    since grade six. Oh well.

    PS:
    David Merkel should
    win. His haiku made me LOL.
    Poetic justice.

  498. Crashed on mountain range
    Scanning Ateles Chamek.
    Cheap avionics.

  499. T’was my first haiku
    Me, confused and excited
    Misspelled my last name

    #657 – last name: Roy-MacHabée, not Riy-MacHabee …

  500. Was it the lasers
    Grafted on those monkey tails;
    Or the fire inside ?

  501. Congratulations–
    the green beam of destruction!
    Don’t push which button?

  502. A stitch in time saves
    (flay the skin and flense the flesh)
    AARGH!! Spider…Monkeys…

  503. Spider monkeys cute
    G.P.S. led me astray
    Now they rend my flesh

  504. “Turn right here” it says
    I comply to its commands
    off the cliff I go

  505. First man in deep space,
    My god, its full of monkeys,
    Set lasers to Oook.

  506. Idiot chauffeur …
    How did my life end like this?
    Garmin, Simian.

  507. A cute simian head/
    Is supported by eight legs/
    My insides are mush

    :)

  508. It was pretty cool
    Watchin’ Moose flame on like that.
    ‘Til he fell on me.

  509. They were just ashes.
    Long Pig, the soldiers called it.
    I brought marshmallows.

  510. I always wanted
    to be a Super Hero
    not a Human Torch

  511. Smoke. Engulfed in flames.
    Who knew it could all end so
    Spontaneously?

  512. Monkeys with Lasers!
    Turn left? Recalculating….
    OOPS! Turn Right! Flame out……

  513. Opposable thumbs
    and ruby red laser light
    I go to war armed.

  514. Tom Tom said turn right
    Should have Mapquest’d the way
    Might have noticed cliff

  515. I always plan ahead.
    Who’d think I’d ever combust
    …spontaneously?

  516. Stop, spider monkeys!
    I gave you life – and now this!
    Why, my pretties, why?

    :-D

    P.S. John, I know it would take forever and a half to do, but I’d love to see which of the four modes of death was most popular… Of course, I’d say spider monkeys, but then I might be a bit biased.

  517. G P S led me
    Into gigawatt brightness
    Is that a monkey?

  518. Inside monkey gut?
    Damn Dollar Store GPS
    Crap! Guess it does work

  519. I screamed while dying:
    “Never follow a Monkey’s
    Programmed directions!”

  520. Fire everywhere.
    GPS lied, road was paved
    with good intentions.

  521. Many hands reaching,
    red dots appear on my face.
    Who armed these monkeys?

  522. A bilingual haiku that matches the syllable count in both languages:

    医者のさる
    毒蜘蛛猿の?
    残念ね…

    isha no saru
    dokugumo saru no?
    zannen ne…

    The doctor’s monkeys:
    Poisonous spider monkeys?
    How unfortunate…

    Now we shall see whether the form can handle posting in Asian characters (if not, that’s why I included the romanized version).

  523. GPS insists
    I’m standing in Pick-a-Part…
    Hell’s Angels’ clubhouse?!

  524. Big mistake thinking
    Spontaneous also meant
    Instantaneous

  525. My jealous, laser
    wielding, spider monkey girl-
    friend just shot me dead!

  526. Sheer canyon walls
    And summer rain brings flash floods
    “Recalculating”

  527. burn the midnight oil
    spontaneous combustion
    one can work too hard

  528. Never taunt The Witch.
    “Monkeys might fly out of my–”
    They do. Wings, claws. Twice.

  529. Garmin lasered me
    Spontaneous, burnt bacon
    Spider monkey’s snack

  530. Eight spider monkeys?
    With lasers?!? Ouch! Burning flesh!
    Stupid GPS!

  531. deadly laser eyes
    the unicorn pegasus
    kitten strikes again

  532. Smoking here I waft
    Monkeys play with laser, too soon
    My ashes, cremate grey

  533. looking hungrier
    than the last time i saw him
    his bite was shocking

    thanks, man

  534. The wheels on the bus
    Go off the cliff, off the cliff,
    All thanks to Garmin.

  535. Spider monkeys scream
    As lasers shoot from their eyes —
    God damn LSD!

  536. monkey with laser
    GPS in pretty flames
    missed turn; drove off cliff

  537. Nothing going wrong
    Suddenly feeling warm now.
    Pop. Sizzle. MEIN FLESH!

  538. Hmm, what’s this feeling?
    A strange… burning sensation
    Ahh, I’m burning! ShiWOUGGH

  539. like cat tongues licking
    taped-bacon sizzlescrape of flames
    on side of my face

  540. Laser shines so bright
    As I go gently into
    That good night. Good bye.

  541. My insides are hot
    A drummer’s death awaits me
    The final crash boom

  542. Poor satellite fix
    Altitude not accurate
    Ground impact event

  543. Danger Imminent
    To heaven, not hell I go
    Recalculating

  544. TomTom, oh TomTom
    Left turn begat left for dead
    Did I offend you?

  545. Right Turn in one mile
    I obey and turn that way
    Damn, the bridge is out.

    Have fun reading these, I did. Thanks
    Mitch

  546. Damn GPS said
    “Turn left ahead on Fifth Street”
    But the bridge was out!

  547. Working at NASA
    In the secret LASER lab
    What’s this button for?

  548. Faulty GPS brought me here
    My body burning brought the dawn
    The light brought monkeys

  549. spider monkeys flew
    blew me up as I watched House
    so much for reruns.

  550. The flames consume me
    From the fire I started
    To scare the monkeys

  551. I just exploded
    Why does dying hurt so much?
    Not fire and brimstone!

  552. Spontaneous shoot
    human flesh melts in puddles
    combustion complete

  553. Oh spider monkey
    How I adore you until
    You eat my face off

  554. I’ll never get lost
    My GPS is awesome
    Oh my God, a cliff

  555. Death comes lightspeed, at
    ten point six mu-em wavelength,
    from prehensile tails.

  556. Spider monkeys kill
    I found this out the hard way
    Who knew Death be cute?

  557. Check out this haiku:

    Brightly shining, red
    Steaming and smoking, burning
    Lasers sear my flesh

  558. “Next left petting zoo.”
    Grim-faced monkeys, a bright flash.
    My ashes on snow.

  559. The snow is melted
    Where my sat-nav has led me
    Ack! Guard lasers kill!

    Note the seasonal reference and the use of kill! as a kireji, also part of the haiku tradition :)

  560. Crashed into bacon
    truck — not my fault. “Men are pigs,”
    the GPS purred.

  561. Beware the jungle
    crawls with furry assassins
    Ditch the bananas

  562. Imploding eyeballs
    LASIK Eye Center lawsuit
    Dead and still can’t see!

  563. What does this switch do?
    Shouldn’t have done that, LASER’s hurt.
    Touche, Universe

  564. Die, spider monkeys!
    You have the numbers, but I–
    I have a strateg–

  565. Ate the spice for her
    be together forever
    entrails on the walls

  566. Disembodied voice,
    Why send me down the steep cliff?
    You know I can’t swim!

  567. I matched her Lucky Strike
    I told her that smoking kills
    And then I blew up?

  568. GPS Update:
    Laser monkey colonies;
    Avoid at all cost!

  569. “Building a LASER
    that monkeys could operate
    may have been hubris.”

  570. Monkey GPS:
    “Ook Ook” clearly directed
    With tree I collide

  571. Go straight thru the lights
    The voice said, while the screen showed
    Light traffic — choo choo!

  572. note: #736 was my original attempt. After I submitted, an error popped up, so I wrote it again, and re-submitted. Now, #738 needs to be deleted. I’m a klutz, what can I say? Delete it, or I will call the spider monkeys to use their lasers, or might find your coordinates on my GPS. If you don’t use my name, I will purposely die of flames. just kidding. just kidding.

  573. A fire with no cause
    Burns my spider monkey foes
    Death is my escape

  574. Tied to cement block,
    Lasers searing my flesh,
    Wishing this was you.

  575. A silent killer,
    Cremated by laser fire.
    Oh, the pain, the pain.

  576. The wind stirs the ash
    From atop the old rocker
    Where Merkel once sat.

  577. arrived at joes house
    what the hell?! no, GPS!
    death by guard monkies

  578. Cute spider monkey
    Is that a laser he holds?
    There went my liver

  579. Gangly paws clawing.
    Blood boils; flesh sears and smokes.
    Good! Burn, foul vermin!

  580. Guidance to ‘vator
    Usually you get the car.
    This time got the shaft.

  581. Fed a gps
    By a crazed spider monkey
    Scalzi, say my name!

  582. John, you will need two
    Glasses of fine cabernet
    Before you start judging

    And may the gods take pity on your brain…

  583. OH, Look! A new Sun!
    Bursting from Sargent Jackson;
    that did not look fun.

  584. J. D. Oliver
    Know my name – that’s all I ask
    Lasers from orbit? Dicks.

  585. Ugh. I can’t count to 5.

    OK take two.

    J.D. Oliver
    Know my name – that’s all I ask
    Lasers from SPACE? Dicks.

  586. When she said, “You’re hot.”
    I thought she meant ‘attractive’,
    Not ‘combusting’. Damn.