Gaaaah, I Can’t Choose The Haiku Contest Finalists Because There Are Too Many Good Ones, So Here’s Just The Winner

It’s from E.J., who wrote, in the haiku of his demise:

I did always hope
My last moments would be spent
Somewhat coherent.

That’s a laser reference, there. And a very good one.

And with that, Lieutenant Merkel is now Lieutenant Fischer. Additionally, E.J. will get an acknowledgment in the book, and a signed copy when it comes out. And a pony! Well, no, not a pony. At least, not from me. Sorry. But thanks, E.J., for such a morbidly amusing haiku, and congratulations.

As for the finalists: Gaaaaaah, so many good ones. I was paralyzed by choice! I hate it when that happens. Yes, I know. I suck. We’ll just have to have another contest at some point.

49 Comments on “Gaaaah, I Can’t Choose The Haiku Contest Finalists Because There Are Too Many Good Ones, So Here’s Just The Winner

  1. Well, if you a lot of good ones can always change a couple of names to fit them in. Or name other stuff. Like pets, streets, rocks, etc. That is an awful good Haiku though.

  2. That’s wonderfully subtle – really glad I didn’t enter now because no way would I have come up with one as good as that.

    -besides which I think a character named “Ball” might jarr a little.

  3. I wanted to win
    You did not pick mine–you suck!
    I hate you always

    :-D

  4. I didn’t enter.
    My name is not a good one
    to put in a book.

  5. Coherence is one of the special properties of laser light. In the laser context it refers to all the waves being of the same length and phase. (I’m sure it’s not about being less-intelligent, just less familiar with physic terms.)

  6. Congratulations on winning your red shirt, Lieutenant Fischer! Really, that’s a great haiku.

  7. Lt. Fischer will be introduced, open a door, trip, and die. He will not be missed.

    If only he had a first name, this wouldn’t have happened.

  8. I will forever remember where I was and what I was doing the day John Scalzi promised not to give me a pony.

    Thanks, John. Glad you liked it.

  9. Superb winner picked
    Hoped to be a finalist
    Please another chance?

  10. got new post alert
    I didn’t win the contest
    fare thee well, fischer!

  11. Searching high and low
    Finding not what I seek… So.
    Finalists are where?

    Note to all: Spread the haiku comment meme far and wide! Domination of Teh Intartoob for Teh Orc Of Scalz!

  12. Damn, what a good haiku… Congratulations Lieutenant Fischer!.

    NV

  13. You can not compete
    With a double entendre
    Like that, so he wins

  14. A very worthy winner. And a really fun competition with a great prize. I look forward to reading about the exploits of Lieutenant Fischer! You should run something like this again John.

  15. If you’re not giving Lt. Fisher a pony, why not try a monkey-pony? Everybody likes ponies and monkeys!

  16. I must be stupid because I don’t get the laser reference…I followed the rules and added the stuff that was suggested…If I had know we could write anything then put at the bottom that there is a reference there to something I would have gone in a completely different direction.

  17. You chose wisely…

    I’d still love you to highlight some of your other faves though, even if you don’t name characters or animals or ships after them.

    Congratulations Lt Fischer.

  18. @23 Karen – Sour grapes, much?

    Fischer’s entry followed the rules and was much more clever in it’s subtleness than the many folks that tried to jam too many references in their entries. And, most importantly, it was the one that Scalzi liked the most. If Scalzi had chosen something that didn’t follow his specified rules, or chosen three winners or zero winners, that would have been his perogative. His site, his book, his decision.

  19. The best part is, since he said that there were too many good ones to name finalists, I can hold out hope that, if with wasn’t for the tech-nerd excellence of Fischer’s Haiku, I might have won! :)

    Because really, Fischer’s is just too awesome. He EARNED his death, dangit! (I hope it’s by Laser! :) )

  20. E.J.! My Clarion student! Ah, it is so satisfying when one’s students surpass one’s own accomplishments…

    :-)

    Seriously, I loved the poem.

  21. Congratulations
    E.J. Subtlety has won
    the day for Scalzi

  22. Not even being a finalist has me feeling about average. Which calls to mind this ku by Issa as translated by Robert Hass:

    New Year’s morning–
    everything is in blossom!
    I feel about average.

    Except it’s not new years yet and this morning was so much colder than yesterday that I saw the Chicago river exhaling. Will it breathe again this winter?

  23. Consider if you will:
        The Canonical Bacon Page contains about 375 bacon-related posts collected over a span of 2.38 years, from an early posting in mid-September 2008 to the latest which appeared this Monday.

        Imagine that for every comment in the CBP contribution, there exist two haiku, each independently composed and submitted— to you…
        — all in just 104 hours, give or take a few.

        Now stop imagining and get back to those selections! When you’ve finished that, you’ll want to update your “Perspective” motivational poster caption to read as shown below:

    
        Awards?  Success?  Fame?  Perhaps one day they will be yours.
        But the fact is, nothing you'll ever do will be more popular
             than that online picture of bacon taped to a cat --
                  except for judging another haiku contest.           
    
    

    Because haiku is twice as popular as bacon. Do the math if you aren’t convinced:

            750 : 375    ::    _?_  :  1
    

    P.S.
    I could KICK myself so hard for not pirati^Wplagerisi^Wcribbing
    from this until well after your contest ended. Since the trend
    in this thread suggests that you (personally) can never have enough haiku,
    here you go:

    TO:      the sea monkeys
        Heptadecasyllabic?
                – JoCoCruiseCrazy

  24. Totally want the winner on my tombstone. Of course, for maximum punosity I’ll have to die of laser. D’oh.

  25. that was a very cool haiku. congrats to the soon to be dead fischer. :)

  26. Aaargh. Should have thought of that. I even did a joke based on laser coherence for Lightning Made of Owls. But did I? No, E.D. did. Congratulations.

  27. re # 23 – Karen

    Google ‘coherent
    Light’, and you’ll find it’s produced
    By lasers. Clearer?

    (This is highly advanced nerdology, you’re okay ;-) )

  28. coherence lightly
    given then quickly snatched
    in orgasm or death

  29. The Scalzi Nation
    Salutes Lieutenant Fischer.
    Enjoy your last meal.

    Congrats

  30. Die Fisher Die! You’ve earned it.
    JS, pick 10 and let us vote.

  31. This just goes to show: If I want my name to be in print, I’m gonna have to put it there myself.

  32. @27 Deirdre: my thoughts, exactly! (Well, I was hoping for a finalist position myself, since my last name is weird, and also @43’s reasoning. ;) …)

    @41 That sounds good to me! Heck, pick 30! …Just, y’know, don’t make us read them all. That would hurt.

  33. I stopped reading the entries after #157 and realized I could never win! I woke up in the middle of the night and composed a couple, but they faded away by morning. It was a great contest.

  34. I def. think he earned a pony.

    if I knew someone who wrote such good haiku i would give them a pony.

  35. Lt. Fisher may become the most famous red shirt ever! And it would be well deserved. Excellent pun/haiku in one E.J.

  36. Well, since “Fischer” is a very common name in Germany all this is just part of Scalzi’s secret plan to take over the position of Hasslehoff in our hearts!

    Congrats