Dear Fluffy White Flakes of Snow, Which Are Currently Falling So Picturesquely and Settling On Top of the Glacier Which Now Surrounds My House

GAAAAAAHHHH ARRRRGH DIE DIE JUST GODDAMN DIE WHY DON’T YOU YOU FLUFFY WHITE BASTARDS I AM COMING FOR YOU WITH A FLAMETHROWER AND A FRIGGIN EASY BAKE OVEN I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY IN THIS WORLD AND THE NEXT THAT I WILL END YOU BWA HA HA HA HAH AH HA HA HA YEEEEARRGGGH.

Thank you. And yes, I do feel better now.

83 thoughts on “Dear Fluffy White Flakes of Snow, Which Are Currently Falling So Picturesquely and Settling On Top of the Glacier Which Now Surrounds My House

  1. I am soooo jealos. I can’t wait to get up where there is snow, ice, and water. Have a wonderful day John!

  2. We are (of course) made of sterner stuff here in the People’s Commonwealth of Massachussetts … still, I understand your peevishness. I tried to grind down the 6′ high pillar of snow, ice and plow-row at the south corner of my driveway. The power shovel basically polished the top to an attractive sheen. Then made buzzy noises on the shiny ice layer. Not having a jackhammer handy, I unplugged and went back inside, defeated.

    Happy Winter,
    Jack Tingle

  3. Sorry but I have to do it.
    Sunny in the low 70′s here in Vista California.
    Vista is in northern San Diego County.

  4. Yeah, the roads were just starting to be drive-able (instead of semi-controlled sled-able). When I went to get the mail a few minutes ago, there was a full 2 inches of snow on my car, with no signs of the weather stopping. It’s the fluffy, picturesque snowflakes, but I am not impressed.

  5. Better that than the random mix of snow, ice, rain and generally overcast skies here. I likes my snows. Can we have some of yours?

  6. It’s cloudy and 43 in the great Pacific NorthWet. Not actually raining, no photon cannon raining ultraviolet death rays like California, no sn*w, no ice, just…. nice.

    John, after suffering Sn*wpocalypse here two years ago, I feel your pain, buddy. Alas, our master prognosticators don’t see any relief for you soon… but I’m sure the other folks around here could help you with the flamethrower thingy. We’ll have to find a Sherman tank to get it to you, though… but these guys are creative. No worries.

  7. Erk. You’ve gotten what we got yesterday. Just got out onto the road for the first time since Monday night, and the roads are still dodgy.

    I am so ready to spend a week in Hawaii, or at least somewhere there isn’t any godsdamn snow.

  8. It is such a nice, sunny day. I think I’ll go for a walk. No need for a coat, as the morning chill is mostly gone.

  9. What a perfect post to read after coming in from freeing another six inches of my Indiana driveway with a pick-axe and then shoveling the path back into my house to clear the snow that had fallen while I was working. Mutter, mutter…

  10. It’s freezing rain now
    No studded snow tires? Sorry
    The bell tolls for thee

    Sorry, cabin fever and the recent haiku contest have me in a brain-lock…

    How about a ‘pi$$ on winter’ haiku contest?

  11. We’ve gotten another 5″ since 8:00 AM this morning. That brings it up to 18″ in the last week. I’m getting a heck of a work out keeping up with it, and I thought I could read and enjoy my retirement. Well at least here in Auburn, IN I don’t have to put up with all those damn yankees that I left behind in Florida. Oh well I saw it now in Sarasota growing up.

  12. You could arrange for the USAF museum (it’s nearby, yes?) to demonstrate a vintage napalm attack. Surely they’ve got an appropriate plane in the collection, such as an A-1 Skyraider.

  13. This snow is making me feel especially stabby. I’m tired of being cooped up. I need a vacation, I think. Las Vegas, gambling, palm trees, shopping, spas.

    Yes.

  14. At least you northern folk have practice driving on ice. There were over 800 fender benders in Houston Texas yesterday. Most businesses had an ice day and were closed. We can deal with hurricanes, but 1/2″ of ice freaks native Texans out!

  15. I live in Anchorage. I’m sorry, but we’re all laughing at you down there. My daughters, who have never lived anywhere else, are puzzled. “Why are people upset, Daddy? It’s wintertime.” They think it’s cool you can sled right outside your door, we have to walk two blocks to the nearest sledding hill.

  16. I agree so much with this sentiment that last night I had already created the Defrostinator. He rides into town with extension cord and blowdryer in hand.

  17. As a Californian I am supposed to either gloat openly or backhandedly about the 60 degree sunny weather we are experiencing, but I ain’t gonna do that. I am just suggesting that the people sick to death of snow somehow send it to the California Sierra Nevada Mountains. Mail it, fling it by catapult, ship by semi, have huge honking fans blow snow clouds westward, I don’t care. Pay for it by convincing your Republican Congress critter that snow is a terrorist plot and that their base is all for outlawing it. I do not want to go through another two years of drought. There ain’t enough water to go around out here and the salmon runs are dying, the Delta region ecosystem is collapsing, and all we have to fix this mess are arguing water districts, sue happy infighting environmentalists and the California Legislature (who put the dys into dysfunctional). So just send us the snow, we would be glad to have it.

  18. Come this time next year can this post’s title be nominated as a short story in its own right for a 2011 Hugo or Nebula?

    ;-)

  19. All work and no play, huh? You know there are alot of webcams on the beaches of Hawaii. On cold nights I’ll spend five minutes just staring at the warm surf. Thanks to the time difference, it’s quite sunny until very late here.

  20. Tsk. All this violence.
    A cup of hot cocoa, laced with some coconut rum, and some board games with the family are great ways of defeating cabin fever. Play some games, and sip some cocoa while petting the kittie on your lap and scratching Daisy’s ears. You’ll feel better. I guaranty it.

  21. Right now we’re getting a nice half inch layer of glaze ice on everything, including the piles of snow at the end of the driveway that are taller than I am.

    I !#$!$!$@!$@$ hate this winter.

  22. Reply from the fluffy white flakes of snow:

    “OH YEAH? YOU AND WHOSE ARMY, YOU BIG BLOWHARD BULLY! LET’S SEE YOU COME OUT HERE AND SAY THAT!

    WATCH OUT. WE HAVE FRIENDS. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

    I wouldn’t mess with these guys. They held me hostage for two days this week. Literally. We’ve had 47.5″ of snow here since January 12, and the next big storm is due on Thursday.

    My real question, though: is this “one for the books”…or just the new normal? :-(

  23. Here in Brisbane Australia it’s 30+ degrees C (Google tells me 86+ F), humid like a sauna and not cooling down properly at night. Everyone is melting, cranky and sleep deprived. I would LOVE some snow. The iced roads maybe not so much though.

    Inna Arthen @45 My real question, though: is this “one for the books”…or just the new normal? :-(

    We’re wondering the same thing about the floods and giant cyclone :-(.

  24. After flirting with ex-cyclones (dodged the worst of the associated rain), Auckland NZ has had standard summer weather return. Good timing for us, as the house is on the market – this weekend the bright sun has even come out in time for the afternoon Open Homes.

  25. I would have to agree with KenS @ #33. I’m a native Chicagoan who’s been living in Houston for the past 25+ years. When I was a jr in HS (88-89 school year), there was just enough frost on the ground that it crunched when you walked (you could still see grass underneath the thin layer of ice), and they closed school for two days. A couple of years ago the weather got so cold that hubby’s job had to start granting “weather days” to people who couldn’t make it in to work. This year, the local school district announced this past Thurs that school would be closed Fri. Hubby’s employer decided to keep the office open anyway, so he went to all the trouble of getting up early, showering, dressing and going to work…only to have them announce literally five minutes after he walked in the door that they were taking another “weather day”.

    On the one hand, as a native northerner I find it highly amusing that a little frost and (slightly) subfreezing temps put Houstonians in such a tizzy. On the other hand, I’m just as glad the city basically shuts down and most employers give out “weather days”, because as KenS pointed out, nobody on this side of the Mason-Dixon line knows how to drive in this crap.

  26. I was looking at the serene pic, how nice it was, how beautiful it was. Then the rant. I’ve never laughed so hard at one of your posts. Do we need an intervention? A snowblower, perhaps? A ticket to the Bahamas?

  27. Meanwhile, here in Perth, Western Austraila, the wind is blowing hard, same as it has been since approximately Friday evening. Yeah, we had the tail end of a cyclone pass over about a week back, but all it brought us was a brief thunderstorm which went on to annoy the folks in York and Northam, and about five days straight of hot humid weather before that. Not even strong winds or rain for our rather parched dams. All I can say is, if you don’t want the snow, we’d be glad to take it off your hands. Bulk carriers of the stuff shipped down to dump it in our various dams and weirs would be greatly appreciated – yes, it’ll melt, but gods know we could use the water.

    Then again, maybe the snowpocalypse will help you folks in the US get a handle on what’s worth worrying about in this lifetime (give you a hint, on the Aussie and Canadian lists, “the weather” comes waaaay higher than “politics and politicians”).

  28. Thanks for the excellent entertainment, in every way: The beautiful photo (which makes me nostalgic for the snow of my childhood in Minnesota), the hilarious rant, and the comments! I think it must be worth having a well-traveled blog/website just to read the comments!

    Loving Scalzi’s blog!
    Comments, musings, haiku give
    World-wide perspective.

  29. “No beer and no TV make Homer something something…”

    “Go crazy?”

    “DON’T MIND IF I DO!!! YEEEEAAAAAHGARBLEGARBLE”

    (Because Steve @19 beat me severely to the Shining reference.)

  30. We got snow last night which turned to rain then back to snow again then to rain again. Feared an ice storm would happen but no. It is now 46F outside, nright and sunny. Glorious.

    Fear not the white fluffy demons. For they are as beholden to the sun as we.

  31. John, obviously you missed last night’s post. The current song on the playlist is “Boat Drinks” by Jimmy Buffett.

    [Song lyrics deleted because copyright speaking, posting all the lyrics is more than fair use. Bunni, if you'd like to post a relevant verse or two, that's cool, but not the entire song -- JS]

  32. It’s 39 degrees today and supposed to be the same tomorrow. The icicles have mostly fallen off the house. I went out after church and broke up the block of ice at the foot of the driveway and some of the ice on the front walk.

    We’re supposed to get up to 39 tomorrow again which may mean I can widen my driveway to its original width after work. Or perhaps lower the piles of snow to the point where exiting the driveway is not an exercise in traffic accidents waiting to happen.

    Then we get John’s snow storm to add to the 77 inches of snow we’ve had so far this year. Followed by another on Thursday.

    To whomever is praying for snow, PLEASE STOP.

  33. Oh this is probably the most un-Canadian thing I will do all month. I have this undeniable urge to brag about our weather: Up here in the Western Great White North it is currently a balmy 5 degrees Celsius (approximately 41 degrees Fahrenheit). This is a bit chilly when compared to yesterday’s temperature, which flirted with double digits. Thats right, yesterday was a beautiful 10 degrees Celcius (50 degrees Fahrenheit). As I type this, I am having trouble concentrating above the racket of the robins in my backyard. The daphodile tips made their appearance two weeks ago. The tulips are just poking through. My windshield scrapper has returned to the mysterious void that exist below my front passenger seat. And… I’m still not entirely sure where my snow shovel is, or even if it is still on the property.

    No this is not a global warming thing. This is the norm. The wet, drizzly, wish-we-had-snow-instead norm. Not too bad for the Wet Coast of the Land of Ice and Snow.

    P.S.A. Most other places in Canada are a fair bit colder, and do (to a certain degree) deserve the reputation of being rather snowy during the winter. Two word for you Easterners: Banana Belt.

  34. John,

    You’ve found a disadvantage to working at home. The rest of us just had a snow day or two. Yes, we had to shovel and shovel or haul out the snowblower and try to find someplace to put the snow, but we didn’t have the option of working. That kind of helps with the snow heebee jeebees. At least you went ice sledding. Maybe today you need to close the blinds or whatever you need to to keep from staring out at yet more snow. Take advice from Lopsided Cat and do nothing.

  35. “Dear Google,
    The lack of a capslock key on the CR-48 makes it difficult to compose missives to meteorological phenomena. Please fix.

    Kisses,
    John”

  36. This is when you appreciate that the Finnish translation of “February” is “Helmikuu,” which translates (roughly) as “hella cold month.” (Or so says my ex-wife in Vaasa…)

  37. People can not drive in Alaskan winters. One “bad” snowfall and there are a ton of cars in the ditch.

    To all of the people in the lower 48: Anchorage, Alaska has only had 45.5 in of snowfall this winter.

  38. I remember you blogging that authors should live in affordable areas to save money. My understanding is that central texas, oklahoma, mississippi, or any number of southern states are just as affordable or more affordable than Ohio. The plus side is that there is far less snow. You can get a web camera so you can stay close to your wife’s family. Considering that you live in John Boehner’s district, I don’t think the politics of the region would bother you.

    Either that or man up. Get a snow machine like Sarah Palin’s husband.

  39. I send my snow weary brother in New Hampshire two things. A picture of the native Oregon flowers currently blooming in my front yard and a link to the Hulu clips for Portlandia, the comedy about Portland.

    He decided to stick with the snow, clear roads and early spring couldn’t convince him to deal with Portlanders.

  40. @Erbo (#72) Err, sorry, no. “Helmi” means a pearl in Finnish, “kuu” a month. It’s the month when you can see pearl-like ice drops on tree limbs when it gest cold after a brief thaw. Cheers from 65 deg N!

  41. I have long been thinking of ordering a flame thrower from Amazon, and using it to go out and attack the snow with it. I bet then I won’t have people sitting parked on front of my house at 2:13 AM with loud “music” pumping out of their car while that chat/or presumably read War and Peace to their friends (Lord knows they sit there long enough to get through it in about a week!)

  42. Tanjit, I can’t share this page with my friend on Facebook without spoiling the scroll-down surprise. Do me a favor and don’t post anything new until after she sees it, okay?

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