I Find It Appalling There Are No Google Results For “Conan the Gozerian”

And, thus, this post.

My work here is done.

Also: Quick! Someone! Make fan art!

Update: 10:30pm: THERE IS FAN ART.

Also, here.

34 Comments on “I Find It Appalling There Are No Google Results For “Conan the Gozerian”

  1. Dang it, John, now I have Schwarzenegger in my head going, “Okay, so… she’s a dog.”

  2. To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to show prehistoric bitches how we do things DOWNTOWN!

  3. Currently two results on Google (checked on a different computer) – the main post and its comments thread.

    Alas, the lovely fan art by Gadgetnutz hasn’t yet been indexed.

  4. Gadgetnutz: Needs a little more Sheena Easton.

  5. Google indexing is certainly *zippy* these days. 21 references (all pointing here) and rising…

  6. 22 Googlings as of 10PM CST.

    …and thus we see the power of the fully armed, and operational, Scalzi.

  7. Holy fuck. Just like that, something that heretofore NEEDED to exist sprang into being. I just love the creative process.

  8. And now we know what really happens when you cross the streams.

  9. “Fully armed and operation Scalzi” is probably too long for a band name, alas.

  10. Mr Scalzi, you are wickedly, awe-inspiringly evil.

  11. And yet I am happy to report that at least two people uploaded illegal copies of Conan the Librarian to YouTube, and it even has a Wikipedia entry. “Don’t you know the Dewey Decimal System!?!”

  12. “Fully armed and operation Scalzi” is probably too long for a band name, alas.

    True, but “Conan the Gozerian” is short enough!

  13. In the Conan MMORPG, I played as “Kumar the Barbarian”.

  14. Some short synopses of parts of the Conan/Murray canon:

    The Earth-Swine’s Fete (Howard, 1934) – After rescuing a weather-witch and her bumbling servant from Pictish marauders, Conan enters a remote village in search of shelter from a massive snowstorm. The party is caught up in a weird festival celebrating a local rodent of unusual size, and during the celebration the haughty sorceress spurns Conan’s rough attempts to seduce her and curses him before vanishing in a flurry of snow. Over the next sennight, the mighty Cimmerian realizes he has been caught in a fiendish magical trap – each day proceeds as the one before, with him waking as the festival is starting anew, and falling asleep at its end. At first he enjoys the thought of spending unending days pillaging the local land of Pen-Sel-Tukki, and endless nights feasting and wenching, but eventually he wearies of the constant frivolity and seeks escape – all the more so when a fatal encounter with a runaway horse makes him aware that even death is no guarantee of deliverance…

    Night of the Yulewraiths (de Camp, 1957) – Set in the days when Conan was King of Aquilonia, the
    ruler finds himself spending the Yulenight assailed by spirits summoned by the impish wizard-prince Tine-tem of neighboring Ophir. They tempt him with visions of his past life of adventure, mock him with the celebrations of the common folk outside the palace walls, and assail him with foresight of his eventual infirmity and death. But as long as the heart of Conan beats, and his hand is able to wield a sword, no eldritch magery will lay him low…

    The Game of Dimpled Death (Carter, 1978) – Conan is caught burglarizing a wealthy merchant’s mansion in Argos and is forced by a crazed judge to join him and ten other unfortunates in a deadly contest involving hitting small bone balls with razor-sharp clubs made from iron, wood, and less savory materials. The winner will receive their freedom and their weight in gold – the losers will be fed to the terrifying Tunneling Beast of the Greens. And Proctor El-Hu the Small has not lost in four-and-twenty years…

    Red Nails, Orange Kitties: A Conan/Garfield/Heathcliff Crossover, (User “lorenzomusiclives”, FourFootedFiction.com Story Archive, 2007) – [[REDACTED]]

  15. Arnold is looking a bit puffy.

    But the new guy, who played Ronin from SG:A (pretty much the same character) isn’t.

  16. Now 636 results.

    If this leads to a cannonical Conan page, it’s your own bloody fault.

  17. I don’t think I really understood the power of an Internet god until now…

    I’m in awe.

  18. You do not have to be appalled any longer, Mr. Scalzi. I just did a search, and Google came back with about 391,000 results. That is without quotation marks. If you put “conan the gozerian” in quotation marks, you get only 621 results. Still, you no longer have a reason to be appalled.

  19. VH-1 of all people was showing Ghostbusters I and II in the hours leading up to 2012 — had forgotten how much fun they are.

    Dr. Phil

  20. OMG I just googled conan the gozerian and it shows 646 results at 3:14 (15:14) mountain time. Amazing!

  21. Something that comes up with exactly 0 results is what Gene Weingarten calls a “googlenope.” As the last few commenters have discovered, he pointed out that once you discover one and write about it, it ceases to be a googlenope.

    http://googlenope.com/view.php