I Find It Appalling There Are No Google Results For “Conan the Gozerian”

Comments

1. MarkHB says:
   January 3, 2012 at 9:10 pm

   Total Rule 34 Fail

   I am disappoint.
2. Jim Menard says:
   January 3, 2012 at 9:16 pm

   My favorite Google search phrase story: on http://www.stonehenge.com/merlyn/ you’ll find “I’ve got the word gogopuffs here just so Google can find it, and then later I can say ‘Google for Gogopuffs’ and hit my page.”
3. Sam M-B says:
   January 3, 2012 at 9:23 pm

   Ray? What did you do, Ray?

   It’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Dagoth.
4. eviljwinter says:
   January 3, 2012 at 9:28 pm

   Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!
5. Jeff Burton says:
   January 3, 2012 at 9:32 pm

   Dang it, John, now I have Schwarzenegger in my head going, “Okay, so… she’s a dog.”
6. Jim C. says:
   January 3, 2012 at 9:36 pm

   To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to show prehistoric bitches how we do things DOWNTOWN!
7. Gadgetnutz says:
   January 3, 2012 at 9:39 pm

   It is done.

   http://kermitwoodall.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Conan-the-Gozerian.jpg

   Kermit Woodall
   http://kermitwoodall.com
8. Singing Wren says:
   January 3, 2012 at 10:00 pm

   Currently two results on Google (checked on a different computer) – the main post and its comments thread.

   Alas, the lovely fan art by Gadgetnutz hasn’t yet been indexed.
9. Kat Goodwin says:
   January 3, 2012 at 10:02 pm

   You crossed the streams!
10. Jeff Hentosz says:
    January 3, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    Gadgetnutz: Needs a little more Sheena Easton.
11. John Scalzi says:
    January 3, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    Gadgetnutz: Excellent.
12. Rachel says:
    January 3, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    More photoshopping horror here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/87736125@N00/6632364503/in/photostream
13. Pat Kight says:
    January 3, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    Google indexing is certainly *zippy* these days. 21 references (all pointing here) and rising…
14. Doc RocketScience says:
    January 3, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    I chuckled mildly at the first.

    I fell out of my chair laughing at the second.
15. JVA says:
    January 3, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    22 Googlings as of 10PM CST.

    …and thus we see the power of the fully armed, and operational, Scalzi.
16. alanmimms says:
    January 3, 2012 at 11:16 pm

    Holy fuck. Just like that, something that heretofore NEEDED to exist sprang into being. I just love the creative process.
17. Keith says:
    January 3, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    And now we know what really happens when you cross the streams.
18. Kevin Williams says:
    January 3, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    “Fully armed and operation Scalzi” is probably too long for a band name, alas.
19. barbinbandon says:
    January 3, 2012 at 11:28 pm

    Mr Scalzi, you are wickedly, awe-inspiringly evil.
20. Jude says:
    January 3, 2012 at 11:50 pm

    And yet I am happy to report that at least two people uploaded illegal copies of Conan the Librarian to YouTube, and it even has a Wikipedia entry. “Don’t you know the Dewey Decimal System!?!”
21. JJS says:
    January 3, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    “Fully armed and operation Scalzi” is probably too long for a band name, alas.

    True, but “Conan the Gozerian” is short enough!
22. Michael Mock says:
    January 4, 2012 at 12:01 am

    You wish is my shamelessly stolen story idea.

    Too bad I can’t draw, though.
23. BillK says:
    January 4, 2012 at 12:24 am

    In the Conan MMORPG, I played as “Kumar the Barbarian”.
24. Christopher Sears (@OmegaUnlimited) says:
    January 4, 2012 at 12:50 am

    Here is my attempt.
25. allium says:
    January 4, 2012 at 2:05 am

    Some short synopses of parts of the Conan/Murray canon:

    The Earth-Swine’s Fete (Howard, 1934) – After rescuing a weather-witch and her bumbling servant from Pictish marauders, Conan enters a remote village in search of shelter from a massive snowstorm. The party is caught up in a weird festival celebrating a local rodent of unusual size, and during the celebration the haughty sorceress spurns Conan’s rough attempts to seduce her and curses him before vanishing in a flurry of snow. Over the next sennight, the mighty Cimmerian realizes he has been caught in a fiendish magical trap – each day proceeds as the one before, with him waking as the festival is starting anew, and falling asleep at its end. At first he enjoys the thought of spending unending days pillaging the local land of Pen-Sel-Tukki, and endless nights feasting and wenching, but eventually he wearies of the constant frivolity and seeks escape – all the more so when a fatal encounter with a runaway horse makes him aware that even death is no guarantee of deliverance…

    Night of the Yulewraiths (de Camp, 1957) – Set in the days when Conan was King of Aquilonia, the
    ruler finds himself spending the Yulenight assailed by spirits summoned by the impish wizard-prince Tine-tem of neighboring Ophir. They tempt him with visions of his past life of adventure, mock him with the celebrations of the common folk outside the palace walls, and assail him with foresight of his eventual infirmity and death. But as long as the heart of Conan beats, and his hand is able to wield a sword, no eldritch magery will lay him low…

    The Game of Dimpled Death (Carter, 1978) – Conan is caught burglarizing a wealthy merchant’s mansion in Argos and is forced by a crazed judge to join him and ten other unfortunates in a deadly contest involving hitting small bone balls with razor-sharp clubs made from iron, wood, and less savory materials. The winner will receive their freedom and their weight in gold – the losers will be fed to the terrifying Tunneling Beast of the Greens. And Proctor El-Hu the Small has not lost in four-and-twenty years…

    Red Nails, Orange Kitties: A Conan/Garfield/Heathcliff Crossover, (User “lorenzomusiclives”, FourFootedFiction.com Story Archive, 2007) – [[REDACTED]]
26. scorpius says:
    January 4, 2012 at 5:02 am

    Arnold is looking a bit puffy.

    But the new guy, who played Ronin from SG:A (pretty much the same character) isn’t.
27. BJSchild says:
    January 4, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Now 636 results.

    If this leads to a cannonical Conan page, it’s your own bloody fault.
28. musictheorysean says:
    January 4, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    I don’t think I really understood the power of an Internet god until now…

    I’m in awe.
29. Johnny Carruthers says:
    January 4, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    You do not have to be appalled any longer, Mr. Scalzi. I just did a search, and Google came back with about 391,000 results. That is without quotation marks. If you put “conan the gozerian” in quotation marks, you get only 621 results. Still, you no longer have a reason to be appalled.
30. Joseph M Kurtenbach says:
    January 4, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Well done, sir.
31. Dr. Phil says:
    January 4, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    VH-1 of all people was showing Ghostbusters I and II in the hours leading up to 2012 — had forgotten how much fun they are.

    Dr. Phil
32. MVS says:
    January 4, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    OMG I just googled conan the gozerian and it shows 646 results at 3:14 (15:14) mountain time. Amazing!
33. Don says:
    January 5, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    Something that comes up with exactly 0 results is what Gene Weingarten calls a “googlenope.” As the last few commenters have discovered, he pointed out that once you discover one and write about it, it ceases to be a googlenope.

    http://googlenope.com/view.php
34. LG says:
    January 7, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    ROFL on the fan art..it just looks perfect !

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