DEAR BURBANK STOP
THIS IS JOHN SCALZI STOP
I AM WRITING YOU FROM A FUTURE WHERE THE INTERNET EXPLODED AND THERE ARE ONLY TELEGRAPHS STOP
IT’S A HORRIBLE FUTURE STOP
BADGERS RULE US ALL STOP
BUT OUR SCIENTISTS (WHAT FEW REMAIN) SAY WE CAN AVOID THIS STOP
ALL IT REQUIRES IS THAT YOU ALL GO TO MY READING TOMORROW JUNE 13 AT 7 AT THE BURBANK CENTRAL LIBRARY STOP
YES ALL OF YOU STOP
IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO BE SURE STOP
PLEASE I BEG YOU THIS FUTURE SUCKS STOP
ONLY YOU CAN SAVE US STOP
OH GOD THE BADGERS ARE COMING THROUGH THE WALLS STOP
AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH STOP
Stop
Everything is quiet here at Badger Central Command, and there is no message above to comment upon. Return to your burrows. Dig for roots and grubs. Be happy.
Badgers? We ain’t got no badgers. We don’t need no badgers! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badgers! STOP
You have time machines but no internets?
BTW, are they quantum-entangled telegraphs (one here and one in the future)? And if so do we have to look at the telegraph a the mirror to receive the message?
I LIVE IN CANADA STOP
CAN’T AFFORD THE LAST MINUTE FLIGHT STOP
ALSO HAVEN’T GOT MY PASSPORT YET SO USA WON’T LET ME IN STOP
WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH BADGERS STOP
SORRY STOP
BADGERS ARE FROM WISCONSIN STOP
I am in fact flying down tomorrow afternoon specifically to go to this event, having spent far too much of my childhood in that library (not always voluntarily, I admit). An In-N-Out has appeared since my youth, and I’d be happy to have an excuse to get a milkshake from there… :)
DAMNED BADGERS GET AWAY FROM ME STOP STOP STOP
It’s always the darn badgers.
Does it count as a badger game when you use real badgers? Just wondering…
“Perhaps he died while writing it.”
“Oh, come on!”
“Well, that’s what it says.”
“Look, if he was dying, he wouldn’t bother to write ‘AARRGGHH.’ He’d just say it!”
“Well, that’s what’s written in the telegram.”
(PAUSE)
“Perhaps he was dictating.”
“Oh, shut up.”
Are you sure you didn’t misspell Dodgers? It’s an easy mistake to make.
THIS TIMELINE SUCKS STOP STOP STOP
Telegraphs are not actually current technology in your timeline, right? Because in ours it’s ARG RPT ARG BADGERS STOP.
BADGERS THRU WALLS ARG STOP
STOP FOR GODS SAKE STOP
CANADA IS CURRENTLY BADGER FREE STOP
WE DO HAVE A BEAVER ISSUE STOP
THEY’VE DAMNED UP ALL THE RIVERS STOP
MAKING ALL THE WATER STOP
WE’RE THIRSTY! STOP
SOMEBODY MAKE THEM STOP
Badger Badger Badger Badger
Mushroom Mushroom!
STOP, JUST STOP FULL STOP
30! For the love of all that is good and holy, PLEASE, 30!!
Well darn.
I was in Burbank LAST week.
I FOR ONE WELCOME OUR NEW BADGER OVERLORDS STOP
ALL YOUR BADGER ARE BELONG TO US
I AM CURRENTLY ON THE INTERNET STOP
I AM POSTING TO A SERVICE LIMITED TO 140 CHARACTERS PER COMMUNIQUE STOP
I BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE MANY PREPARED FOR COMMUNICATION VIA TELEGRAM STOP
HOWEVER, NOBODY IS PREPARED FOR BADGERS STOP
SO PLEASE, STOP THIS HORRIBLE FUTURE STOP
SOS SOS CQD CQD TITANIC WE ARE SINKING FAST AND OH GOD NOT THE BADGERS PLEASE SAVE US STOP
Caeser, my pet badger, assures me that the fair and noble race of badgers harbors no desire or ambition for world domination. Even if things would run smoother…
I’LL BE THERE STOP.
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT STOP.
STILL UNCLEAR WHETHER THEY’LL HAVE COPIES FOR SALE STOP.
There seems to be an abnormally high incidence of badger takeover in your timeline matrix.
LOL LOL LOL OW OW STOP
Are the badgers free agents or are they tools of the molemen?
Wait… what if by doing what you say, we make the badger timeline occur? You won’t fool me this time!
Twitter as the new telegram? That’s rather terrifying.
SCALZI SEEMS TO HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES WITH MUSTELIDS STOP
THEY KEEP CROPPING UP HERE STOP
BADGERS ARE LOVERS NOT FIGHTERS STOP
JOIN THE BADGER ANTIDEFAMATION LEAGUE AND HAIL YOUR NEW OVERLORDS STOP
Also, if you call that number on the release, it’s one of the Burbank branches, not their Central Library. Which is where our host will be this evening.
Welcome back to the LA area, albeit briefly… Looks like you’ve visited spots around Glendale this trip, first Pasadena, now Burbank. I’ll be down at Dodger stadium cheering on Dodgers, not Badgers, but thinking of you and your new Redshirts book. Get some sleep on your flight. You need to be nicer to whoever planned this trip for you. The travel looks tough.
I hope enough of us were there tonight in Burbank Stop. No sign of Badgers Stop. Terrific evening and great to meet you stop. Can’t wait to read Redshirts Stop.
@ Shayera: possibly the branch telephone number being on the release is related to Scalzi’s going to the wrong branch at first too. However, this worked out in my (and possibly his) favor, as I’d dispatched my dad on a mission to find Coke Zero and he arrived bearing soda while John was getting combobulated before beginning. I probably wouldn’t have had the nerve to deliver it if he had already begun so by the time he’d have gotten it it would’ve been warm had he not been late.
My dad also went home during the signing portion to look again for my copy of The Android’s Dream, which my sister had been unable to locate before (I’d loaned it to my mother some months ago), and was able to locate it and bring it down minutes before the library closed. He texted my sister from two blocks away and she tore off for it and ran back upstairs so I could get my book signed, the last person to do so. I have such a cooperative family. They hadn’t even planned on coming to the reading, but I don’t think they regretted it, even though my sister had had an incredibly packed day starting at 5am.
A Librarian: Are you the one who said to me “Are you the one from the blog?” Because that was definitely on the list of things that made my night.
And Priscilla, if you see this: My sister and I really enjoyed meeting and talking with you, and if you have a website please post and let me know what it is. :) Especially since your last name has just escaped me, though I think it will reappear eventually.
@Robin, I was thinking the same thing about the number. And you have a very nice family indeed.
@Robin That wasn’t me.