Dear Burbank: A NOTE FROM THE FUTURE

DEAR BURBANK STOP

THIS IS JOHN SCALZI STOP

I AM WRITING YOU FROM A FUTURE WHERE THE INTERNET EXPLODED AND THERE ARE ONLY TELEGRAPHS STOP

IT’S A HORRIBLE FUTURE STOP

BADGERS RULE US ALL STOP

BUT OUR SCIENTISTS (WHAT FEW REMAIN) SAY WE CAN AVOID THIS STOP

ALL IT REQUIRES IS THAT YOU ALL GO TO MY READING TOMORROW JUNE 13 AT 7 AT THE BURBANK CENTRAL LIBRARY STOP

YES ALL OF YOU STOP

IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO BE SURE STOP

PLEASE I BEG YOU THIS FUTURE SUCKS STOP

ONLY YOU CAN SAVE US STOP

OH GOD THE BADGERS ARE COMING THROUGH THE WALLS STOP

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH STOP

39 thoughts on “Dear Burbank: A NOTE FROM THE FUTURE

  1. Everything is quiet here at Badger Central Command, and there is no message above to comment upon. Return to your burrows. Dig for roots and grubs. Be happy.

  2. Badgers? We ain’t got no badgers. We don’t need no badgers! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badgers! STOP

  3. You have time machines but no internets?

    BTW, are they quantum-entangled telegraphs (one here and one in the future)? And if so do we have to look at the telegraph a the mirror to receive the message?

  4. I LIVE IN CANADA STOP

    CAN’T AFFORD THE LAST MINUTE FLIGHT STOP

    ALSO HAVEN’T GOT MY PASSPORT YET SO USA WON’T LET ME IN STOP

    WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH BADGERS STOP

    SORRY STOP

  5. I am in fact flying down tomorrow afternoon specifically to go to this event, having spent far too much of my childhood in that library (not always voluntarily, I admit). An In-N-Out has appeared since my youth, and I’d be happy to have an excuse to get a milkshake from there… :)

  6. “Perhaps he died while writing it.”
    “Oh, come on!”
    “Well, that’s what it says.”
    “Look, if he was dying, he wouldn’t bother to write ‘AARRGGHH.’ He’d just say it!”
    “Well, that’s what’s written in the telegram.”
    (PAUSE)
    “Perhaps he was dictating.”
    “Oh, shut up.”

  7. CANADA IS CURRENTLY BADGER FREE STOP

    WE DO HAVE A BEAVER ISSUE STOP

    THEY’VE DAMNED UP ALL THE RIVERS STOP

    MAKING ALL THE WATER STOP

    WE’RE THIRSTY! STOP

    SOMEBODY MAKE THEM STOP

  8. I AM CURRENTLY ON THE INTERNET STOP

    I AM POSTING TO A SERVICE LIMITED TO 140 CHARACTERS PER COMMUNIQUE STOP

    I BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE MANY PREPARED FOR COMMUNICATION VIA TELEGRAM STOP

    HOWEVER, NOBODY IS PREPARED FOR BADGERS STOP

    SO PLEASE, STOP THIS HORRIBLE FUTURE STOP

  9. Caeser, my pet badger, assures me that the fair and noble race of badgers harbors no desire or ambition for world domination. Even if things would run smoother…

  10. Wait… what if by doing what you say, we make the badger timeline occur? You won’t fool me this time!

  11. SCALZI SEEMS TO HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES WITH MUSTELIDS STOP
    THEY KEEP CROPPING UP HERE STOP
    BADGERS ARE LOVERS NOT FIGHTERS STOP
    JOIN THE BADGER ANTIDEFAMATION LEAGUE AND HAIL YOUR NEW OVERLORDS STOP

  12. Welcome back to the LA area, albeit briefly… Looks like you’ve visited spots around Glendale this trip, first Pasadena, now Burbank. I’ll be down at Dodger stadium cheering on Dodgers, not Badgers, but thinking of you and your new Redshirts book. Get some sleep on your flight. You need to be nicer to whoever planned this trip for you. The travel looks tough.

  13. I hope enough of us were there tonight in Burbank Stop. No sign of Badgers Stop. Terrific evening and great to meet you stop. Can’t wait to read Redshirts Stop.

  14. @ Shayera: possibly the branch telephone number being on the release is related to Scalzi’s going to the wrong branch at first too. However, this worked out in my (and possibly his) favor, as I’d dispatched my dad on a mission to find Coke Zero and he arrived bearing soda while John was getting combobulated before beginning. I probably wouldn’t have had the nerve to deliver it if he had already begun so by the time he’d have gotten it it would’ve been warm had he not been late.

    My dad also went home during the signing portion to look again for my copy of The Android’s Dream, which my sister had been unable to locate before (I’d loaned it to my mother some months ago), and was able to locate it and bring it down minutes before the library closed. He texted my sister from two blocks away and she tore off for it and ran back upstairs so I could get my book signed, the last person to do so. I have such a cooperative family. They hadn’t even planned on coming to the reading, but I don’t think they regretted it, even though my sister had had an incredibly packed day starting at 5am.

    A Librarian: Are you the one who said to me “Are you the one from the blog?” Because that was definitely on the list of things that made my night.

    And Priscilla, if you see this: My sister and I really enjoyed meeting and talking with you, and if you have a website please post and let me know what it is. :) Especially since your last name has just escaped me, though I think it will reappear eventually.

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