Behold the Mallet of Loving Correction

Here it is, big as life. It was given to me by the folks at Chicon 7 in appreciation for my work, and I have to tell you, it is just about the coolest thing I’ve ever received. Krissy is included in the picture for scale. This is what you can imagine me wielding from now on when I wade through the comments.

Chicon 7 is now done. What an excellent Worldcon.

70 thoughts on “Behold the Mallet of Loving Correction

  1. I see a line of accessories in that to be spread across the blogosphere. You could make a mint. And improve the air on the internet quite a bit. :)

  2. Hoping for a picture of John Scalzi with the mallet. Trying to imagine what sort of face he’d make on such a picture. Please! :-)

  3. I suspect that picture would strike fear into many hearts. On the other hand, it might improve the quality of dialogue here, at least a little bit.

  4. Do we get to find out what the engraving is by offending and reading the impression off our forehead in the mirror? :)

  5. Much more impressive than my imaginings. I’ve always thought it to be one of those inflatable hammers with the squeaker in it that you get at the fair.

  6. Obama sucks. Romney sucks. Democrats are tree hugging wussies. Republicans are narrow minded sheep. Gays shouldn’t marry. Divorce should be illegal. Religion is good. Religion is bad. Your a idiot. its not your its theres. Okay! give it a whack on this one for practice. Has the politics, bad grammar, stupid comments, and i’ll throw in bed spullling check before posting. LOL!!

  7. The inscription reads:

    “The Mallet of Loving Correction
    “Wielded as necessary by John Scalzi
    “”I don’t love you any less for being so WRONG on the Internet.'”

  8. I hope the next installment of the Shadow War series features the MoLC. Perhaps an origin tale (“Episode 1: The Mighty Gods of Chicon Hew the Mighty Hammerweapon MoLC from the Mighty Thews of Yggdrasil, Suffering a Few Nasty Splinters that Mommy Kissed and Made Mighty Better”). With reference to Theophylact’s comment above, after swinging it a few too many times, the wielder would be Thore indeed.

  9. Hmmm… what’s that in the fine print there?

    Mallet of Loving Correction*

    *Do not strike computer with mallet. Chicon 7 assumes no responsibility to property damage intentional or accidental.

  10. Upon receipt of this Mallet there followed about ten seconds of maniacal laughter.

    Being wise, we laughed with him (not at).

  11. I always envisioned it as more of a war hammer than a gavel. But, eh.

    I truly LOL’d at the last line of the inscription.

  12. That is either one huge mallet, or Krissy is one small person. Can we get a shot of Krissy in front of the Empire State Building to disambiguate?

  13. GC: I believe that you have just demonstrated the Internet equivalent of washing your car in the hope that it will rain.

  14. If having an actual mallet is the chocolate cake of geekery, then the XKCD reference in the inscription is the cherry on top. :)

  15. I suspect that picture would strike fear into many hearts. On the other hand, it might improve the quality of dialogue here, at least a little bit.

    “Run for your accounts!” Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!! *dopplers away in a mad dash of flailing arms*

  16. I only got to see John during the opening ceremonies. He rocked. Seriously.
    And he only had to shush one geek in the front row, who didnt quite understand the concept of “other people are talking. shut up.”

    I cant imagine what John might have done if he had had the mallet with him.

  17. That is truly awesome.

    Ummm…. can I borrow it? Just for a few minutes? My works’ skype channel needs it badly.

  18. @Kilroy 11:23: To be fair, a gavel actually is a type of mallet, according to the dictionary and encyclopedia articles I could dredge up on two and a half minutes’ notice.

    And apparently there are strict rules as to how a gavel is to be used, under Robert’s Rules of Order, which don’t include our host’s normal malleting activities. Given that, it’s entirely possible that the Mallet of Loving Correction is thus disqualified from bearing the name “gavel”, and becomes a generic (if elegant) wooden mallet by default.

    Although looking at the size of the thing, it may be more accurate to refer to it as a maul, or perhaps even a sledgehammer.

  19. I just thought of those posts that sometimes show up on Facebook, telling you that the first thing to the right of your computer will be your weapon in a zombie apocalypse – because there’s a good chance that John Scalzi might have the mallet as the first thing to the right of his computer :-D

  20. It’s not widely known, but John considered other devices before deciding on the Mallet

    * The Baseball Bat of Gentle Remonstration
    * The Clue-by-four
    * The Two Iron of Compassion
    * The Cricket Bat of Disagreement
    * The Long, Bent Thing With a Sort of Lump at the End of Polite Demurral
    * The Shillelagh of Stupid Smackin’

  21. In re: Warren Terra’s comment about “to injure someone”:

    Take care not to injure YOURSELF.

    Especially take care not to injure yourself if you yield to paigevest’s request for a photo of you in mid-brandish. Try to demonstrate some move other than Chiropractor’s Delight or Orthopedic Surgeon’s Second Ferrari or Drop Mallet Squash Own Foot.

    What does it weigh? If solid, hefty avoirdupois, I’d guess.

  22. Upon seeing the massive Mallet of Loving Correction, I thought it best to ask Conan of Cimmeria what the best use of such a mighty mallet might be.

    To crush the words of the trolls on you blog, see them flail before you, and to smash produce at the supermarket with the MoLC in an homage to Gallagher.

  23. @Bruce K: I’ve never been so absolutely proved wrong before. I retract the statement and a tip-o-the-hat. Mallet it is.

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