Damn, It’s a Good Thing I Don’t Have to Be Creative This Week

Because I swear to God the entire week has gone like this:

Me (sitting down to keyboard): Okay! Time to write something interesting and amusing.

Brain: SHUT UP AND FEED ME.

Me: I totally just fed you fifteen minutes ago. We had a fruit snack.

Brain: FRUIT SNACK NOT REAL FOOD. IT’S HUMILIATED¬†GELATIN.

Me: Look, Brain, I have work to do.

Brain: NO FOOD NO BRAIN.

Me: I think I’ve been overeating in general this week.

Abdomen: It’s cool. I’m storing it as fat! See?

Me: Swell. Okay, seriously, brain –

Brain: FEED ME OR I WILL WAKE YOU UP AT 3 AM WITH UNCEASING THOUGHTS OF YOUR INEVITABLE DEATH.

Me (gets up to get a cookie): There. Happy?

Brain: I AM HAPPY NOW.

Me: Good. Then maybe we can get to –

Brain: SHUT UP AND FEED ME.

So. Yeah. That’s me this week. Hi.

Over to you, then. What’s going on with you? Tell me as I go get another snack.

74 thoughts on “Damn, It’s a Good Thing I Don’t Have to Be Creative This Week

  1. Mine screams for granola bars. I don’t know what happens to them after I eat them. My brain and stomach join in some secret collusion to ignore any benefit from it and ask for more, more, MORE!

  2. That’s me and Taco Bell and Mountain Dew this week. And my girlfriend’s been like that too. It’s not been a good week for us. It’s been a tasty week, though.

  3. BRAIN LOVES COFFEE, MOAR COFFEEEEE…

    Particularly when I’ve been up all night sewing trim to a late Victorian (1880’s) bustle dress that has to be ready for Dickens Fair tomorrow..

  4. Sounds a bit like my week. Except I’m on vacation trying to get things done with a 7 month old around…

  5. Trying to balance the need to get this book written even though I know it’s probably awful, grade 150 essays, play with my daughter, and read the latest Dresden Files book.

    It’s not pretty.

  6. Insipid carboholism is my diagnosis. Ingested carbohydrate -> blood sugar spike -> insulin overshoot-> low blood sugar -> HUNGER! Yep. I know it well. Enjoy.

  7. That’s funny, I have a similar conversation…

    Me: Okay! Time to write something interesting.

    Brain: GO TO WHATEVER.

    Me: I was just there a minute ago.

    Brain: SOMEONE MAY HAVE POSTED SOMETHING NEW. GO TO WHATEVER.

    Me: What? No! We have work to do!

    Brain: GO TO WHATEVER AND ARGUE ABOUT TOLKIEN AND THE HOBBIT!

    Me: Piss off!

    Brain: DON’T TELL ME TO PISS OFF, PERSONIFICATION OF THE TINY PERCENTAGE OF CHRISTOPHER WRIGHT THAT FEELS OBLIGATED TO GET SOMETHING DONE. I AM THE BRAIN. I AM CALLING ALL THE SHOTS. NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I INDULGE YOU IN THE CONCEIT THAT YOU EXIST.

    Me: *Goes to Whatever*

    … so basically, damn you Scalzi. ;-)

  8. I’m wrapping the final projects for this term. Just finished editing a video and now have a drawing to do about the Solstice. Oh yeah, and I’m busy trying to organize the birthday celebrations for both my offspring who have birthdays three days apart next week.

    Chocolate and coffee are my main source of solace this week…. and the eye twitch is just an added bonus.

  9. Must be post-Thanksgiving stomach-stretching. Me too.

    My brain’s been more like a grumpy toddler: “Can we sleep yet?” “No. Writing.” “Yes, but sleep now?” “500 more words.” “But…” “450…”

    Screw you, brain, you don’t control my life! :(

  10. Your little conversation reminded me of one of the Tragically Hip’s awesome songs. One of the lines goes something like “Don’t you think you beat to death the inevitability of death to death just a little bit?” Maybe your brain wants to listen to some of their music?

  11. Yeah, my brain is working a similar /s/c/a/m/ attempt to shovel in nutrients to attack a case of Overlarge Topic-itis. Fortunately there’s a huge storm outside, so replenishing the munchables will be delayed until I don’t have to use a rowboat.

  12. That does not sound like the brain to me. Something has got a gun to your brain’s head and is making it say that. Since it’s another one or more of your organs, though, it is not like you want to have a SWAT team take it out.

  13. You must never give in to the extortionate demands of your brain, nor to those of any other organ, come to that.  Seriously, John, just who (or what) do you think is in charge of your life anyway?

    Me, I’m gearing up for a contract gig – employment good, yay! – and listening to the nearly incessant rain while filling out HR paperwork, which latter requires a complete absence of creativity whatsoever. Which is good, ’cause it’s been twenty minutes since I ate breakfast and… uh, just forget that last part, okay?

  14. Is it time for a brain-shaming website?

    It might be hard to get a photo of your brain wearing one of those little signs explaining what it did wrong.

  15. Geek answer syndrome: you might want to go low(ish) carb for a day or two to see if that stabilizes your blood sugar and kills the cravings. (Or, you might want to ignore advice from random weirdos you meet on the internet :-).)

    If you’re vulnerable to SAD, that can lead to sugar cravings, too, and good, bright light helps with that. (*NOT* full spectrum light – some people love full spectrum light, and if it helps, *great* – but good, bright light is what’s proven to help SAD). I mention this because you mentioned fruit salad and cookies, and that’s why I’m throwing out random bits about stuff that affect sugar cravings.

    Okay, I’ll shut up now and remember that you’re a grownup and don’t even know me…

  16. I signed up to do daily journaling online, as I used to do several years ago. The thought of doing so, which used to be so easy, is filling me with dread. I also have a bunch of scripts to write after my play writing festival closes, and I have no original ideas because I am a total hack…at least that’s what my brain is telling me…

  17. My brain is almost constantly “OOooohhh, shiny!” where shiny is anything that probably isn’t actual work, including Star Trek Online, various blogs and forums, and whatever new books just got delivered. I keep telling myself that ‘shiny’ marginally relates to my job, so it might pass for work.

  18. I’m sitting at work, reading your blog, thinking that my brain is very simular, but I wont feed it as I’m on a diet and need to loose weight.
    So now that I am up to date on your page, back to playing with buckyballs and wondering why the govt banned such a fun toy becasue of a few bad parents

  19. We are having (almost) the entire first floor of our house painted on Monday and Tuesday. Kitchen/dining, living, office/library, daughter’s room, TV room.

    This has involved basically packing up our entire house as if we were moving, shoving the furniture to the center of the room, and piling all the boxes on any flat surface we can find. We have eight book cases full of books, including a 6 foot ikea shelf sized for paperbacks.

    It is crazy-making, and I cannot wait until it’s done. It’s going to be AWESOME, but it is currently setting off every single “clutter makes my brain go SPAZSPAZSPAZ” alarm I have.

  20. Ugh, yeah, going through the same thing with my brain. Which is annoying because I’ve been working really hard on eating better. I got myself a meal-tracking app and started going all “Things That Make Me Weak And Strange Get Engineered Away” on my food intake, and for a few weeks, I was doing so well.

    Then I got a headcold.

    Then it stuck around for two weeks.

    Then thanksgiving happened.

    And now my brain is all “I will never go back! I now recall the taste of salt and butter! You can take my corn syrup, but you can never take–MY FREEEEEDOM!.”

    Damnit, brain. I’m trying to write some code here.

  21. My brain has been ravaged by a raging rhino of a head cold this week. I was doing pretty well on my word count for the month, then the rhono reared its ugly spiky head… Every time I sit down to write, my brain says “FIGHTING THIS THING IS TIRING. I NEED A NAP.” And I’m like “That sounds amazing…”

  22. Since you didn’t ask for advice, I’ll give you some unsolicited :-D
    Do something active. I know it’s iced over there in Ultimate Thule, but maybe you could go dancing, or build a piece of furniture, or whatever a Scalzi does in winter to burn cookie fat.

  23. My brain is full of earworms. I’m trying to work (past a headache, no less) and it’s singing along to “Now That We’ve Found Love” and “Jack and Diane” and “Lito Shuffle” and “Heartbreaker” etc etc etc

    Apropos of that? @Todd Stull, now you’ve embedded the Hip line “we don’t go to hell; memories of us do” in my poor little hamsterwheel brain.

  24. Trying to finish an afghan for a friend. She’s in the UK, I’m in TX. I’ve already told her it’s very unlikely she’ll get it before xmas, but I feel a compulsion to prove myself wrong. However, I have neck and back issues, and every time I sit down to work on it I can only get a few rows done before I have to cry “uncle” and give up, at least for a while. I’m tempted to break out the painkillers, but then I think I’d be too zombified to want to be productive.

  25. So, week went like this:
    Monday: Do textbook readings for class!
    Tuesday: Do work for class – and walk up to post office to mail bill. Sure, it’s cold, but I need the exercise. Also, have class in evening
    Wednesday: Huh, throat is a little sore. Well, I have to record an episode today – probably should have recorded it earlier.
    Thursday:
    THROAT: Oh God! Kill me!
    NOSE: Oh God! Kill me!
    *Sneezes*
    JOINTS: Oh God! Kill me!
    ME: I think I’m going to huddle up in bed.

    I’m feeling slightly better today, but I’m sure as hell not pushing it.

  26. Well, I haven’t been that way all week, but I am that way today. Just when I finally have time to write for the first time in three weeks. I think I’ll keep a bowl of chips on my desk for the next two hours. I need Brain’s participation.

  27. Much the same, actually. In lieu of writing, I have been watching movies and I started the Jack Reacher novels; the latter, simply because I wanted to know why everyone I know has been bitching and moaning about Tom Cruise being cast for the movie. I’m only 2/3 through The Killing Floor, and I totally get it. Cruise is a terrible Reacher.
    In re food, I’m gluten-intolerant, so for the past 6 years I’ve not had the winter munchies. Once I got used to not eating cookies, et al, I stopped craving them. A handful of mixed nuts and dried berries every few hours is sufficent to curb my hunger and restore my energy, and tasty to boot. Also, I lost about 25 lbs and it stayed off. I’m never going to be a waif, nor do I want to be, but I’m healthy for my height and gender. Going GF is something to consider, maybe, if carbs are a challenge for you, or you’re worried about your holiday cravings.

  28. I’m praying that 20000 words I think I need to finish this next novel are the ones that I actually need. My main character seems to be resisting my efforts to break her. I’ve taken her car, her phone, part of her house, her shoes and her pants, and she just keeps going on about her business. If she doesn’t stop all the level-headed bullsh*t soon, we’re going to have real problems.

  29. Me: Okay, Thanksgiving is over, my parents flew home, the house is quiet, and I can finally get back to work and-

    Brain: YOUR DESK IS TOO MESSY TO WORK. CLEAN UP THE DESK SO YOU CAN WORK.

    (15 minutes later)

    Me: Okay, now it’s time to-

    Brain: YOUR OFFICE IS TOO MESSY TO WORK. CLEAN UP THE OFFICE SO YOU CAN WORK.

    (30 minutes later)

    Me: Okay, now it’s really time to-

    Brain: IT’S TOO COLD IN HERE TO WORK. GO GET A SWEATER SO YOU CAN WORK.

    (10 minutes later)

    Me: Okay…now its time to…time to…work? No? Nothing? Sweet. Okay, there’s so much to do, but I think I’ll start with-

    Brain: WHY DO YOU WASTE SO MUCH GODDAMN TIME? YOU SHOULD HAVE STARTED WORKING AN HOUR AGO!

    Me: One more word and it’s no more coffee for you!

    Brain: DID YOU SAY COFFEE? THERE’S NO COFFEE IN THIS CUP. GO GET COFFEE SO YOU CAN WORK.

    Me: Dammit!!!!!!!

  30. Me: Work?
    Brain: NO!
    Conscience: STOP THE KIDS! SAVE THE TV!
    Me: *stops kids* Work?
    Brain: IT’S MY DAY OFF
    Me: That’s tomorrow, today is fiction writing.
    Brain: FUCK OFF.
    Me: That’s funny, now we left Mattin…
    Brain: *goes to work kicking and screaming*
    Me: *writes one sentence*
    Conscience: You do realize the kids are killing each other?
    Me: FUCK!

  31. The urchins (hs seniors) are dutifully working on posters for their persuasive group presentations come Monday. Me? Checking in (early) for my daily Whatever fix. I’m still looking for a twelve-step support group for Whatever addiction, but can’t seem to find one. Silly 33 year old son turned me on to this addiction some years back. You know its bad when you get home from work each day, check your three email accounts, then check Whatever. Thought about doing my own blog once, and figured the comment threads at Whatever would work just fine for that only on a more occasional basis rather than daily. Hey, one can lurk here for days until an interesting topic comes along to jump into fingers ablazin’, keyboard smokin’. Holding brain capive since May to the South Beach diet plan. Only let it out briefly Thanksgiving Day. Scale went up five pounds! Heel, brain. Back to your South Beach cell. Back. Back. Stay. Clink. Cat pictures please? More cat pictures, forget the silly dog.

  32. Are you on steroids or something? You have just perfectly described what happened when I had to be on steroids for my arthritis. It was like being a teenage boy. EAT ALL THE THINGS.

    I got around it by keeping carrot sticks, cucumber spears, and fresh lettuce on hand at all times. Yes, it’s rabbit food. But my brain is rather easily satisfied by having interesting texture food. I suspect the mouth is in charge of the brain. (Clearly the reverse is not true.)

  33. I have the same problem with working on grad school applications. I know I need to do it, but I have the hardest time convincing my brain that it should get up and you know, actually do the work. It prefers to go into ADD – ooh! Shiny! mode…-_-

  34. Ahh…good to know. I have those weeks too…or days at least…but I’m a women so I get to blame hormones. For once, being a woman has benefits…

  35. I’ve been pulling all-nighters all week to try and get my AdventChallenge app into the windows store in time for, well, Advent (in the more secular first 24 days of December meaning of the word), so have been having similar ‘feed me’ weird brain thoughts. It went live today though, and the sense of relief is amazing! Also, now starting diet in preparation for Christmas :D

  36. Maybe chewing gum will trick your brain into thinking you’re eating?

    My week:
    Me: Damn, these library books are piling up. I should read some…
    Brain: INTERNET!
    Me: But…
    Brain: INTERNET!
    Me: *sigh* Logging on.

    Maybe I should try bribing it with a cookie.

  37. Also, am I the only one reading about people’s projects this week and wishing there were links to go be nosy at them? :D I want to see Victorian bustle dresses and afghans and painted rooms and solstice drawings and novel excerpts!

  38. I think my brain is still tired from all the turkey. It’s been kind of just languishing about in soporific ennui. As opposed to titillated ennui.

  39. I finally dipped a toe into AbramsTrek (i.e., the 2009 Star Trek movie) – which, as a longtime fan of the 1960s series, I’d scrupulously avoided until now – by listening to it while working, via listentoamovie.com. God, it was awful. The speech patterns of the entire new cast and villain sounded too “contemporary” – perhaps an odd thing to say about a movie set in the future, but somehow this was not a problem with the old show or even its sequel series. Mr. Nimoy, on the other hand, has had a long and distinguished career but his voice was, forgive me, in terrible shape – not too far from the Bob Dylan of “Here Comes Santa Claus” fame, from his recent Xmas album. And the story seemed to make little sense. Nor was the score up to its composer’s own very high standards as heard in Lost, The Incredibles, etc. Maybe I’ll like the movie better if I actually see it, if those constant lens flares I’ve read about are sufficiently distracting.

  40. Immediately after I rang up my groceries and left the store earlier, my mammal brain went “Twizzlers!” and my rational brain was all “really? You couldn’t’ve mentioned it ten minutes ago?”

  41. All I could think of as I read that was…sounds like a certain mean green mother from outer space has moved in.

  42. Was “Swell” an intentional pun? I’m betting yes. :)

    And @Annalee, I read that as “meat-tracking app”. I want one of those.

  43. I’m seconding the “more protein” recommendation. Whenever I get into a must eat all the things state, I can snack on carbs all day and never feel satisfied. If, instead, I fry up some eggs or fix a slab of meat or fish, that does the trick.

    As for me, I hurt my back last Sunday, so this week has been all sorts of fun. On the bright side of things, that mishap gave me the impetus to drag myself down to the big shopping center and actually sign up for Medicare (Australian universal health care, not US aged care), which I’d been meaning to do since I became eligible months ago. I now have a temporary card and the promise of health coverage for two years or until my permanent residency is approved, when I become permanently eligible. I haven’t had health coverage for over ten years, so not worrying about going bankrupt because of an accident is a strange and very pleasant state of affairs.

  44. Last night, after an evening of mad snacking, I informed my brain that we would have a healthy breakfast of oatmeal and fruit. Upon awakening, brain insisted we have bacon, jalape√Īo, mushroom patty melt with a side of tater tots.

    Is it something in the air?

  45. This is my Ph.D. application process tonight. It’s been . . . interesting.

    Me: Home now from teaching, time to finish that application!
    Brain: YOU NEED A NAP. GO TAKE A NAP.
    Me: Me . . . hmm . . . yeah, an hour couldn’t hurt.
    [Five hours later . . . ]
    Me: Ohgod I must get up and finish my application materials.
    Brain: NO. SLEEP MORE.
    Me: No, we’re getting up. Gotta do this stuff.
    Brain: FINE. HAVE A HEADACHE THEN. I KNOW YOU LOVE THOSE. ALSO, YOU’RE HUNGRY NOW. HAVE FUN WITH THAT. ALSO, YOUR APPLICATION IS TERRIBLE AND THEY PROBABLY WON’T WANT YOU.
    Me: Thanks . . . that’s just all kinds of amazing wrapped into one.

    But! I did manage to resist the McDonalds monster that lies in wait halfway through my hour-and-a-half commute. So I’m counting at least that as a success. And omg I just remembered there are cookies in the kitchen!

  46. It sounds to me like someone exchanged your brain for one of the cats’ brains. (If any of your cats are like our alpha cat who claims she is ALWAYS STARVING.)

  47. It’s been a day. Actually it was fine until I took the cat to the eye specialist. She had one eye removed 6 months ago & was going back for a re-check. I had hoped for a clean bill of health with the other eye, preferably one that cost less than $100. No such luck. Two different eye drops,4 times a day. Plus another check-up in a month. Plus her insulin and another anitbiotic. And more flea meds this weekend!

    All of which may explain why I’m drinking hot chocolate and eating potato chips. Salty & sweet!

  48. For some reason I’m having trouble sleeping. My head and neck hurt ’cause my 2 yo hit me in the head with a sock filled with glass “gems” that she threw across the room, possibly accidentally – it slipped from her hand when she was spinning it. I think I know how they invented the sling as a weapon now – a child did it.

    I tried to sleep but it didn’t work. I’ve taken as much painkiller (of multiple sorts) as my liver and stomach lining can safely handle for the next few hours and that didn’t help. Now I’m up late enough it’s debatable whether I should go to sleep or stay up until she rouses to use the potty in an hour or two. But technically her dad should take that shift. Guess I should try again to sleep.

    What’s weird to me is the actual spot on my head that got hit is not too terribly sore. We did put a coldpack on it almost right away, when it did hurt a lot. But the headache and stiffness now are pretty bad. Maybe my body is bracing itself in case it gets hit again? Or something. Strange.

  49. I just wanted to tell you that I forwarded this post to a very pregnant woman who asked me to send her funny things that will make her laugh very hard so that this baby will hurry up and get born already.

This is the place where you leave the things you think

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s