A Petition All Of Us Can Get Behind, Except Vegetarians and Observant Members of at Least a Few Major Religions and Maybe Also People Who Never Got Over Watching the Movie “Babe”

What is this petition? Myke Cole explains in a letter to me:

Sir,

I’ve just petitioned the White House to have the USDA set a Recommended Daily Intake (RDI) of bacon.

I thought you might be interested in this grassroots effort to enable citizens to directly power their government on a topic I know is dear to your heart.

The link is here: https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/have-usda-set-recommended-daily-intake-rdi-bacon/bcrhTFhX

Very Respectfully,
Myke Cole
SHADOW OPS #2: FORTRESS FRONTIER

I FULLY ENDORSE THIS. Let’s try it at once.

78 thoughts on “A Petition All Of Us Can Get Behind, Except Vegetarians and Observant Members of at Least a Few Major Religions and Maybe Also People Who Never Got Over Watching the Movie “Babe”

  1. Good timing considering yesterday’s announcement that organic, non-nitrate bacon is actually healthy.

  2. Its all fun and games until somebody in the vegetable lobby pays off congress and the limit is set at ZERO!

  3. Damn you, MVS; I had to stop laughing and go and check on my definitely organic but possibly not nitrate free bacon…

  4. Oh! Zingerman’s! God, I miss living in Ann Arbor and being able to just walk there and get food from them…
    (And for the record, that’s how I knew my vegetarian girlfriend truly loved me – she bought me their “Bacon of the Month” club membership for my birthday one year…)
    Anyway – didn’t mean to possibly derail, but I had a Zingerman’s moment; now I’m off to sign a petition!

  5. I’ve grown bored with bacon. (I know, when you grow tired of bacon, you’ve grown tired with life.) Couldn’t we fixate on another portion of the magical pig?

  6. I once heard a story about the movie “Babe” being shown in Smithfield, VA (home of Smithfield Ham among others). Something to do with young viewers in a local movie theater during a breakfast scene. Questions were asked, answers given and distraught youngsters being taken out of the theater. Could happen anywhere I suppose but given where Daddy and/or Mommy work there may have been questions leading to more questions.

    We once stopped at a small restaurant in Smithfield that we’d eaten in a number of times. Didn’t do it that day. They were out of ham. We were baffled, bewildered. How was it possible in Smithfield?

  7. I said: “You shall not eat any of their flesh, and you shall not touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you.”

    Did I fucking stutter?

  8. God, you were talking to the Israelites. You Chose them, remember? Those rules were part of what made them special. They don’t apply to the rest of us. They’re only required to keep the Seven Laws of Noah.

    Or at least thousands of years of rabbis have said so. If they’re not telling us the real rules, wax wroth unto them, not us.

  9. Sigh. Editing error. WE’re only required to keep the Noahide laws. Not that I keep them anyway (I’m an idolater and not likely to change).

  10. Real people who work for government and do important work are being furloughed and/or laid off. Pushing this over the top will require that people who work for the government take time to respond. Do you think this is appropriate? Further, it also diminishes your Constitutional rights to seek redress of grievances, something that is still not a universally recognized right.

  11. To those under John’s exceptions above, how would y’all feel about bacon swaps, kind of like carbon swaps? For every x pieces of bacon eaten you agree to eat Y pieces of, say, chocolate? Calories work like carbon dioxide, don’t they?

  12. Yummm, bacon… Unfortunately, I cannot participate in the petition due to my foreignness.

    We’ve already had President Obama come out against Death Stars and blowing up other planets, so this one isn’t any more inane. One of the perks of democracy is that while it is mostly inefficient, it is often amusing.

  13. Don’t make me pull this Universe over!

  14. Ah… so after much though I think there is need for a Basic Bacon Research Lab (BBRL). The BBRL should be put by NASA/Caltech’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL). The synergies between the BBRL and JPL would be this:
    1. JPL can provide basic research to BBRL on high tech cooking techniques under tightly controlled experimental procedures
    2. BBRL would, with the assistance of JPL, research basic “Bacon Tasting Sensors” which could then be fitted into our Robot bodies when those become available.
    3. The next Mars Rover and other extra-planetary exploration vehicles propulsion systems would have engines capable of interstellar flight and crisping bacon… which would bring any alien out of hiding!
    4. NASA, US Food and Drug Administration and US Department of Agriculture could work together increasing overall government agency cooperation
    5. It would smell yummy!

  15. Bacon is fried fat. You know the answer to the regulation will be “zero”. Be careful what you ask for.

  16. Bacon for me is so “meh”.

    I was on the Atkin’s diet* many moons ago (well, actually years) and having your daily bacon soon gets very old and quickly makes you hate even the idea of bacon.

    *Now I’m on the “eat lean meats, green veggies and low glycemic index fruits with a few barely-processed grains like wild rice mixed in”

  17. Less than 100 signatures.

    People may be worried, as @Byron says, that the USDA will say “zero”. Or even less than, as @Pinky feared.

    I’m all for keeping Big Government out of my bacon. Inspect it to make sure it’s safe, but otherwise leave it alone.

  18. Here in Austin, we have a restaurant named “Bacon”. Another reason that Austin is slowly becoming the center of the universe…

  19. It’s meant for worthwhile things like asking for transparency in government

    It’s funny that one of the main things Obama ran on is “transparency in government” given that opaqueness in government, cronyism and corruption have increased to unprecedented levels under Barack.

    If he’d kept any of his campaign promises we wouldn’t need to beg him for things basic to a civil society like “transparency”.

  20. @scorpius:

    That’s an interesting observation, unfortunately you declared bacon to be “meh,” therefore invalidating all other arguments as the ravings of a madman.

  21. mike75:

    I said for me bacon was “meh”. Have way too much of even the most wonderful thing in existence and you end up thinking “meh” of it.

    Bacon is a pleasure that should be enjoyed in small doses.

  22. [Deleted because it’s off topic. A.M. Donovan, if you know something’s off topic, don’t post it in a comment thread. If you want to tell me something that you think is relevant to me, e-mail is best – JS]

  23. My sister-in-law is a “vegetarian, except for bacon”. I suspect she’d be behind this one-hundred percent.

    (Me, I’m more neutral. Bacon’s nice, but it doesn’t have enough capsiacin for my tastes.) :)

  24. “Bacon is a pleasure that should be enjoyed in small doses.”

    Sez someone who’s never experienced the Bacon Explosion.

    Seriously — who enjoys bacon in small doses? Bacon practically demands gluttony.

  25. Despite my vegetarianism, I have to approve of this post due to the Nightmare Before Christmas reference.

  26. Gah! Bacon is an inalienable right which should never be delegated to elected or unelected public servants. We the People will demonstrate our love of bacon with or without Washington insiders and their beef boasters. We have no need to establish the supremacy of the Other White Meat over those weiner wavers and lamb lickers. Vote with your wallets and stomachs, people!

  27. Scorpius

    OK, that explains a lot; I’ve finally worked out what’s wrong with you.

    Simple, really; you don’t eat enough bacon…

  28. “And now, as an experiment in democracy, I’m decreeing
    free elections to choose the national bird.”
    — The King’s proclamation in a Charles Addams cartoon

  29. My grandmother kept kosher. She had two sets of plates (for meat and milk). But she did keep paper plates on hand for bacon.

  30. As others have said, I worry about the intake allowed being too low. Think about it, you want 4 pieces of bacon but you can only have two. ARRRRGH. If this happens I’ll have to dump my IHOP and Denny’s stock before it crashes…

  31. I once petitioned to have bacon reclassified as candy, just so a vegan girlfriend could enjoy it. Turns out candy isn’t actually a food group. Perhaps not surprisingly, the vegan and I are no longer together.

  32. piggies on my plate has always been my best friend especially in the form of bbq ribs yum !

  33. Can we petition the UN to make international law requiring bacon be available in places like Saudi Arabia? I’m getting ready to travel there, again, and it’s amazing how much I miss bacon with my breakfast. Or, a bacon, lettuce and onion (I don’t like tomatoes) sandwich for lunch. We won’t even go into the alcohol issue…

  34. Grocery shopping this AM yielded a pound of “Hot ‘n’ Sweet” thick-sliced bacon, which is apparently flavored with habanero, for half-price.

    I will take this as an international gesture of goodwill, whether from Mexico or Canada (whence I suspect the bacon came.)

  35. @Joel “I thought the bacon meme thing was over.”

    Dead as a hammer. This is about straining for that last bit of mileage from it, and if we all have to chip in some tax dollars to pay for frivollity that is well past ‘best by’ date, apparently that is Just Fine. Far from the only example of dead memes. Mallet, cats, etc.

    Sturgeon’s Law is not in abeyance. But the good bits are very good.

  36. [Deleted because this moron doesn’t appear to know anything about how free speech actually works – JS]

  37. [Deleted because this fellow seems to be about twelve. Into the moderation queue with this dipshit – JS]

  38. @Xopher: certainly not as long as he gets the attention he so badly wants. Dude is a living example of “if a kid can’t get a kiss he’ll take a kick”, but there’s no reason to indulge it.

    @tylertork: You’re assuming the petition process has only one function (getting the results requested in the petition granted) and that using it for any other function impedes that purpose. It has some pretty other obvious uses; for example, measuring public opinion to a degree, letting people blow off steam in a harmless manner, and perhaps more importantly from the government’s POV, getting to use the petitions as a PR tool. For example, the clever response to the “build the Death Star” petition generated a lot of positive PR for the White House and gave them the opportunity to paint the administration as hip, witty and in touch with popular culture.

  39. Cally: Hoping you’re right. I could use a couple of good kittens right now.

    mythago: You’re right, of course. I guess I let him troll me again. Though if he really wants to be kicked…*tries on various types of shoes*

  40. My first thought was “what an inane topic for a petition” After browsing the other petitions at whitehouse.gov I have to say this one is in the top 20% for importance to the country – and it is one of the few not begging for government handouts. Go bacon!

  41. I’m a vegetarian, except for the bacon from my local organic/humane farmer once a year. Especially after the disappointment of not getting our own Death Star, I’m in!

  42. I’m vegetarian these days, but grew up eating meat, and I still don’t get the “bacon” obsession. Sure, it tastes ok, and the crunchiness is nice, but it’s not as good as Canadian bacon or the crunchy outside bits of roast ham, much less the really yummy meats like salmon or fried oysters or wienerschnitzel or good roast beef or whatever. As meat with spices in it, it’s not as good as gyros or souvlaki or [pick your favorite and also second-favorite versions of] BBQ or chili. As something to go with scrambled eggs, the texture does work pretty well, but good hash browns do the job better.

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