Worst Date In 5 Words

It was a Twitter hashtag. I was bored. SUE ME.

 

64 thoughts on “Worst Date In 5 Words

  1. I was reading these to my wife as you tweeted them. She likes to act as if she doesn’t like your writing (because she’s tired of hearing me talk about you all the time) but she was laughing out loud at these.

  2. The first comment jests, but I have actually had someone tell me: “You’re so pretty, you look just like my granddaughter.”

  3. This reminds me of one of my yoga instructors. She says she is a first date kind of girl… cause she doesn’t get second dates. All she does is talk about how hard up she is. Totally interferes with my Zen.

  4. Quoting the instructor “I haven’t bathed in 3 days” and the oh so sexy “I have issues with my bowels”.

  5. The Aussie blind date variant:

    “Hi, my name’s Tony Abbott”

    (For the last two words, substitute in the name of any other Australian cabinet minister, depending on taste).

  6. “That’s why we shoot zombies!”
    “Am I missing an eybrow?” **
    “Oops… the lion is loose.”
    “Tofu underwear? In this weather?!?”

    **All props to Adam Savage.

  7. I don’t know why, but when I think worst date, I think Hannibal Lector: “I love Chianti with Liver!” #worstdatein5words

  8. I bought a new gun*

    *not necessarily to shoot the new guru – but it would be a perfect date-ending answer to that new guru line…

  9. “Taco Bell? Whoa, too ETHNIC.”

    Taco Bell *IS* too ethnic, but the ethnicity is not Mexican.  
    In fact, the date most likely to utter these five words would *BE* Mexican[o|a].

  10. I am happy to inform you that Charlie Stross, or Twitter, or a vengeful Old-Testament God appears to have deleted his #WorstDateIn5Words tweet about penile degloving accidents.

  11. I think “first date with a human” would make an interesting sci-fi story prompt. Maybe not a /good/ one …

  12. “It’s harmless in small doses”
    “I’m not allowed in there”
    “Duck, it’s my parole officer”

  13. “Why don’t you like me?”

    (That he was working up to date rape was painfully obvious. I got the hell out of Dodge.)

  14. It wasn’t in a date situation, but I have heard the “Taco Bell too ethnic” line.
    I was in the Midwest at the time. Me and my friend from California burst out in hysterical laughter, which got us a dirty look from the speaker, but damn. There was no way we could have kept from laughing.

  15. “I think torture is justified.”
    “I voted for Mitt Romney.”

    And in the category of things *I* can say to end a date:

    *I’m missing half my tongue.”
    “I’m 55. Is that OK?”

  16. Xopher, the last one wouldn’t bother me. Sadly, I know I am not the sort of human you are interested in. The second-to-last, I’d probably say “Ooh, can I see?”

    Oh well. Someday we will sit in the Home for Old Fans and drink “medicinal” cocktails and ogle the gardeners and pool boys together.

  17. “That waitress. You. Me… Threeway?”
    “My voices are quiet tonight.”
    “You’re not a feminazi, right?”
    “You look adequate for tonight.”
    “Mother said home by 9”
    “NO THAT SMELL’S NOT ME!!!”
    “Twenty years inside changed me.”
    “What year is it? Seriously!”
    “Wanna see my pet leech?”

  18. “I am the walrus, kookookachoo!”

    Lurkertype, you are a joy and a blessing. And I look forward to ogling men together. (And the tongue is damned ugly, so think carefully about whether you want to see it.)

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