In Which The Doubleclicks Tell You What an Awful Person I Am — In Song!

As you may recall, a couple of months ago I did a fundraiser for Con or Bust, in which you lovely folks raised over $10k to help science fiction and fantasy fans of color go to conventions and conferences in exchange for me recording audio for a satirical eBook that talked about terrible I was, and also me commissioning a song with that same topic.

Well, the audio has been up for some time, and now the final promise I made is fulfilled. I asked my friends The Doubleclicks to write a song about my awfulness, and they were suspiciously willing to fulfill my request. Here is that song. All of it is true.


Cover-300x300Let me also remind you, or possibly make you newly aware, that The Doubleclicks have a brand new album out called President Snakes, which you can purchase right this very second (hint, hint) by way of Bandcamp, iTunes, Amazon and CDBaby. Also, they’re touring the west coast of the US in December. You should go see them and request this song and hold up lighters and/or cell phones when they sing it, because that would be awesome.

54 thoughts on “In Which The Doubleclicks Tell You What an Awful Person I Am — In Song!

  1. John, can you and your bugs please, please influence these ladies to come to Ohio (anywhere in Ohio, but preferably Cleveland!) on their next tour?? I couldn’t make it to Pittsburgh and that’s the closest they’ve been to our fair state. Ohio awaits you, Doubleclicks!

    Oh, and Jif is peanut butter, which I understand is bad for computers. ;-)

  2. I don’t know about the bugs, but I think he has tiny mice in his ears and that’s why the kittens spend so much time hanging out on his shoulders.

  3. Well, this is all good to know, should I ever get the chance to meet you. I will warn you, however, that should you attempt to steal my fries, I will make you bleed.

    Thanks to the Doubleclicks for some morning chuckles!

  4. Oh dear. You really are a terrible person. No wonder absolutely no one buys your books.

    Also, bugs? Isn’t it supposed to be bees?

  5. “…the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars…” +1 John Scalzi. (facepalm)

  6. Sadly, I’m also unable to listen on any browser I have installed (safari/chrome/firefox); the “play” box appears, but appears to think it’s a zero-second recording, and hitting play/pause just toggles between play and pause, with no further effect.

  7. I knew you weren’t very popular, and that nobody reads your books, but I never realized what a terrible, horrible person you are. I mean really, Nickelback?! As if Journey wasn’t bad enough!

  8. @Jonathan Adams: Thanks for the link.

    Maybe it’s an El Capitan (10.11.x) problem.

    (“Coke Zero” scans differently than “Diet Coke.” Also, Scalzi can have my fries.)

  9. What’s so bad about stealing fries? I thought that was the universal default! Now, stealing fries while singing Nickelback and slurping soda loudly is a capital offense around these parts.

  10. He laughs at all the sad farts. OK, I listened to it 3 times and I know by context it’s parts but damn, I keep hearing farts (and what I really want to know is how do you tell them apart? The happy vs. sad farts)?

  11. Wow…The Doubleclicks make you sound like my new best friend! Next time I’m in Ohio, I’ll give you a call. We can go out and tell kids there’s no Santa Claus, and then juggle cats!! Good times, John, GOOD TIMES!!!

  12. “Just made of bugs. Probably just made of bugs.” [sniffs back tears] So true, so true …

  13. Having watched the result of them deigning to allow you to accompany them at Powell’s Beaverton-Cedar Hills, I can fully understand they were “suspiciously willing” to fill your request. 8-)
    ~ the guy in the red shirt under the sporadically working loudspeaker on your right.

  14. The amount of anti-Scalzi things I have on my computer is getting misleading. I wonder, if I start listening to all this ironically, will I eventually believe it?

  15. I think it would be worse if you had only seen the prequels and skipped the original Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back.

  16. MVS, you can tell the sad farts because they’re the ones Scalzi laughs at. Duh.

    I knew Scalzi was terrible and unpopular, but i never realized how terrible and unpopular until today. Really – Nickelback?

  17. Robert Reynolds says: Now, stealing fries while singing Nickelback and slurping soda loudly is a capital offense around these parts.

    Although if forced to choose, slurping soda is probably a preferable noise to Nickelback covers.

  18. Why does an ebook you write about how terrible you are have to be satirical? Why could it not be honest. Oh, because the money goes to a good cause, and money makes everything good. Especially when you are rubbing the head of nappy headed folk. What a good white, very good, very white liberal.

  19. Ok, folks who are alarmed about the DC referring to JS as being made of bugs (as opposed to hyperintelligent BEES) and drinking Diet Coke (as opposed to Coke Zero): congratulations, you got the joke!

    In addition to being completely silly, I expect the song was meant to tweak us loyal legion of Scalzi Stormtroopers with incorrect references like that because, well, that’s the sort of sense of humor that the DoubleClicks have. I’d give a 99.5% likelihood that those are wrong precisely on purpose to be goofy. (This is the band who used the word “toxoplasmosis” in both a rhyming and technically correct way in one of their songs.)

    And yes, the song is great, not least because of the extra silliness.

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