The December Comfort Watches, Day Six: Down With Love
Posted on December 6, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 13 Comments
Down With Love is indisputably the best film of its genre, its genre being “Loving 21st-Century Tributes to Mid-Century Romantic Farces Mostly Starring Rock Hudson and Doris Day.” This is a very specific genre, for a very specific audience, one that, as it turns out, did not really show up at the theaters when it was released in 2003, on the same weekend as The Matrix Reloaded. The Call of Neo was apparently stronger than the Knowing Wink of Catcher Block, Man’s Man, Ladies’ Man, Man About Town. I confess that I myself went to the one with The One, and not this one.
It’s mildly ironic, because while The Matrix Reloaded seems more obviously my sort of thing as a Science Fiction Nerd, it turns out that Down With Love is even more sneakily my thing as A Writer Who Harbors a Yearning For an Eames Chair and Fast, Flirty, Funny Repartee — which I do, and am. I’m not sure I knew in 2003 that this is who I was. It’s entirely possible, in fact, that this part of my soul was awakened by Down With Love. There are, I assure you, far worse things to have awaken in one’s personality, especially in one’s thirties.
Come with us now to 1962 and a swingin’ New York City, where a young writer named Barbara Novak (Renee Zellweger) aims to set the world afire with her feminist treatise Down With Love, which posits women’s sexual liberation, at least partially through the magic of confectionary treats. Barbara’s editor and sidekick Vikki Hiller (Sarah Paulson) schemes to get Barbara a profile written by Catcher Block (Ewan McGregor) in the Esquire-like magazine published by Peter MacManus (David Hyde Pierce, in the Tony Randall role), who also has a crush on Vikki. Catcher, however, is more busy gallivanting about with women than he is with writing, and blows off Barbara. Barbara’s book takes off anyway, and she uses her newfound fame to come after Catcher, which causes Catcher’s gallivanting to grind to a halt. Catcher swears revenge, and then, of course, we’re off to the races.
Speaking of “confectionary treats,” this film really is one of them. Neither the 1962 nor the New York City presented here ever actually existed outside of a sound stage. The film (wisely) makes absolutely no pretense at realism; this is a fabulist tale where a book can go from barely published to #1 in the space of a montage, where all taxi rides have the exact same back projection, and where a fully-furnished luxury penthouse is provided to a first-time author at the drop of a hat by an editor who worries that it is not good enough, only to be assured by the author that it is, in fact, “adorable.” Anyone who has ever been in a writer’s walk-up in Lower Manhattan will want to set fire to something for that last bit.
The whole film is artifice because it’s not about 1962 or New York, or even publishing. It’s about movies from that era, which were themselves no less artificial than this one is. In this respect Down With Love is effortlessly meta in exactly the sort way that (ironically) The Matrix Reloaded labored hard to be and was less convincing at. Whether this artifice works for you is deeply dependent on who you are and your willingness to let this sanitized movie version of this time and place take you away even though you know the actual 1962 and the actual NYC were no great prizes, for all sorts of reasons, some of which (hello, sexism!) are essayed here with, essentially, a wink and a nod. Suspension of disbelief here not only has to be willing, it has to be enthusiastically pursued.
Aside from that, this confection works, or not, depending on whether the actors are willing to commit to the bit, and by God, these actors are. Ewan McGregor summons vast amounts of inner ham for an absolutely shameless performance, and while Zellweger plays things slightly more straight, the emphasis here is on “slightly;” her facial expressions are doing yeoman’s work. Zellweger is also graced with a no-cut monologue, the details of which I will not reveal, that is, bluntly, a masterpiece of acting while under the influence of farce; it’s what I would have given her one of her Oscars for.
(As their sidekicks, Paulson and Hyde Pierce are even more delightful, if such a thing is possible. Paulson serves her early 60s career gal persona with snap and verve, while Hyde Pierce channels his inner Tony Randall so perfectly that not even the real Tony Randall, who is actually in the film, can compete. They never threaten to take over the film — they understand their support roles better than that — but every scene they are in, they are perfect. I want more movies in the Down With Love Cinematic Universe just to have them cracking wise on the periphery.)
Down With Love was a flop at the theatrical box office, but don’t feel too bad for anyone involved, they all did just fine thereafter. Zellweger has two Oscars to her credit, MacGregor is everyone’s favorite Obi-Wan, Paulson has a steady gig at American Horror Story and is otherwise a national treasure, and director Payton Reed has found himself a sinecure at Marvel, with side jaunts into Star Wars. Even folks in smaller roles have rolled on to further successes (hello, Jeri Ryan! You’re the best!). For a commercial disappointment, the film seems to have been a lucky penny for everyone involved, and it’s nice when that happens.
As for me, I go back to Down With Love because I like the fantasy of it: The fantasy of that fictional 1962, of that era of New York and of publishing, and the fantasy that one can find romance through the persistent use of amusing dialogue. I am, indeed, down for love when it comes with a side of bon mot. That’s a genre of film I can never get enough of.
— JS
The December Comfort Watches, Day Five: Invictus
Posted on December 5, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 10 Comments
For decades now, Clint Eastwood has had what appears to be the best production deal in Hollywood, in which Warner Bros. apparently lets him make any damn movie he wants, so long as he brings it in for a price, and, every third movie or so, deigns to appear in whatever he’s making. This has brought us numerous westerns, action films and occasional dramas where Eastwood’s increasingly craggy face scowls out from the screen, but it also has provided us a musical, an odd meditation on death, a maternal drama about a missing child, biopics of people both notable and obscure, and two films of the same battle, released in the same year, where the unexpected one ended up being nominated for Best Picture. Among many others! Why did Eastwood make them? Because he could, and he wanted to, and so he did.
In this strange grab bag of films is also Invictus, the story of the improbable 1995 South African Rugby World Cup win, told from the point of view of two men: Francois Pienaar (Matt Damon), the captain of the formerly somewhat hapless South African team (known as the Springboks), and Nelson Mandela (Morgan Freeman, absolute typecasting), who was President of South Africa at the time, and saw in the World Cup the chance to unite a fractious country, so recently under the rule of apartheid, in a common interest of sport.
No one, I think, would declare Invictus one of the great films of Eastwood’s oeuvre, but it is a pleasant and competent entry, and for me it delved into a bit of recent history I knew nothing about, both in the micro (South African rugby) and in the macro (South Africa, period). I have always warned people about the danger of getting one’s history from film, and certainly Invictus does its own share of trims, elisions and pump-ups to stuff the story into a movie. With that said, the film had the sign-off of Mandela himself (who appeared to hope Freeman would end up portraying him, as indeed he did), and of Pienaar as well. If this is a fictionalized version of history — and it is — then at least the protagonists were on board for it.
Of the two protagonists, it is naturally Mandela who draws our attention, because he is a world historical figure, and because he being played by Morgan Freeman. Freeman doesn’t look all that much like Mandela, but he has a similar magnetism, which is what the part needs. When Mandela goes to a meeting where a new national sports council has voted to rename the rugby team from the “Springboks” and strip them of their colors — both emblems of apartheid oppression — and prevails upon them to change their vote, well, that’s a scene where the only thing that is going to persuade is personal authority and charisma. Mandela could pull it off. So can Freeman.
Pienaar is less important and less compelling, which is an unfair comparison both for the actual man and for Matt Damon, who are implicitly contrasted with Mandela and Freeman, respectively. But as it happens, that’s exactly what this character needs to be. Pienaar’s story is one of a man who has done well enough — he is captain of the Springboks, after all, even if they are kind of terrible — who is asked to do far better by a great man, in the service of an even greater cause: the unity of a nation. I don’t know the quality of existential terror that exists in being asked by a great man to literally step up your game, but I know that it exists, and that Pienaar felt it, and that Damon is being asked here to portray it. In the course of the film, we get to see him and his teammates try to do what is asked of them.
I can’t say whether the Springboks’ 1995 win actually changed South Africa, since I am not a South African, and because 28 years is a long time, and many things have happened since then, both good and bad, in that country — including, as it happens, South Africa winning the Rugby World Cup an additional three times, the latest time just this year. I can say that I like watching a film that seems to believe it could do that, and that sport matters more than just as a distraction or pacifying diversion; that it could help to heal a decades-long wound close to the heart of a nation.
There is a phrase attributed to the Scottish writer Alasdair Gray: “Work as if you were living in the early days of a better nation.” In Invictus, Mandela and Pienaar are doing just that, each using their talents to the best of their ability to make a nation better than the one they had been born into. As I noted before, this film is not the best film Eastwood ever directed, but it might be the one with the most uplifting sentiment. I am glad he has the deal with Warner Bros. that allowed him to make this movie, because he wanted to, and because he could.
— JS
The Big Idea: Lida Sideris
Posted on December 5, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 2 Comments
Are you ready to dive into the very nature of reality? Lida Sideris is, for her latest novel, Murderous Means. Come along and find out what she knows.
LIDA SIDERIS:
What is real and what isn’t? I write fiction, but while I’m immersed in writing, the world inside the pages becomes very real to me. I can smell the lavender-scented air, brush my fingers along the soft tips of feathery pepper trees, and taste the delectable chicken pot pie devoured by the dysfunctional Means family, the suspects in my latest book, Murderous Means.
My heroine, Corrie Locke, asks the same question. What is real in her fictional world of private investigating? Is the psychic with the half-baked vision of a murder the real deal or a crackpot?
After reading an article about the tools that psychics use to make “high probability generalizations,” I had to ask what would happen if my heroine met a psychic head-on? That was the impetus for writing Murderous Means. I know what I think about them, which happens to be what Corrie thinks, too. Maybe that’s the Big Idea – psychics are crackpots.
Or maybe the big idea is that we are stronger than we think. My heroine rises high to meet many challenges, but what about me? Midway in writing this novel, #6 in my Southern California Mysteries, my fingers turned clunky, the keyboard wobbly, and the story wasn’t happening. So, I stepped away and returned to write something in a different genre. Soon, my fingers became nimble again, and ideas flowed freely.
About 35,000 words later, in my meant-to-distract-me novel, I yearned to return to what I’d left behind. Besides, there was a deadline looming, per my publishing contract. Fortunately, I’d rediscovered my rhythm, and felt renewed enough to finish Murderous Means. During periods when my writing isn’t flowing, I’m often reminded that writing a book is like growing a Chinese bamboo tree.
As writers, we sometimes feel like a seedling that’s been planted and knocked around by the elements without experiencing much growth. Our projects may eventually shrivel up and disappear. But what if growth is occurring without our even knowing it?
Take the Chinese bamboo tree. It’s a challenge to grow. The farmer plants the seed, waters and nurtures it…and nothing happens the first year. Or the second year. Or the third or the fourth. Why bother taking care of something that’s not growing? Because something miraculous does happen in the fifth year. The tree grows almost 90 feet in six weeks. How is that possible? Because during the early years, the plant is developing strong, unshakeable roots.
What if the farmer had given up because he’d seen no results? Bye-bye bamboo tree. And, in the writing world, giving up means bye-bye to any hope of finishing a novel.
Meanwhile, what’s the big idea? I’m reminded of The Three Stooges who asked that same question repeatedly in their movies, and who my heroine, Corrie, invokes when she feels like knocking a few heads together. I guess that’s really the big idea in my books. We all need a little humor. Humor plays a role in my series, as it does in my real life. It takes the edge off situations that tend to ruffle the calmest of feathers. Both my heroine and I agree that humor and laughter help us leap over obstacles, frustrations, and unpleasantries, making both the real life and the fictional life easier to bear. Don’t you think?
Murderous Means: Amazon|Barnes & Noble|Bookshop|Powell’s
Author socials: Website|Facebook|Instagram
Read an excerpt.
“Saltburn” Is An Experience
Posted on December 4, 2023 Posted by Athena Scalzi 5 Comments
There are only a handful of movies that I’ve seen at the theater by myself, and fewer that I knew next to nothing about before seeing it. When it comes to Saltburn, I am glad that both of these were the case.
And I want the same for you, at least as far as not knowing much before seeing it, so this is going to be a spoiler-free recommendation of Saltburn. Or, rather, more like an expression of adoration for it. Because I do, in fact, adore it. I saw it a week ago and I’m still constantly thinking about it. It refuses to leave my mind.
There is so much to love about Saltburn; from the cast, to the performances, to the settings, even the soundtrack is pure perfection.
Between the cinematography and the use of color, it is a visually stunning film. There will be parts you might feel inclined to look away from, but simply won’t be able to. Your eyes will undoubtedly be glued to the screen the entire time.
The only movie I’d seen Barry Keoghan in before this was Marvel’s Eternals, which admittedly is not a very good film (however, I did like Barry’s character, Druig, who had the ability to control minds). But this was the first time I’d seen Jacob Elordi in anything. Let me tell you, they both did so amazing. What incredible performances. The line delivery, the way they interact with each other, and particularly how Barry’s character interacts with the world around him, they’re just so compelling and interesting to watch.
The emotions you will feel during this movie will be strange and complex, and you will come out of this movie stunned. I know I did. And then you will want to tell everyone else that they simply must see it. My problem right now is not having anyone to talk about it with. Now that it’s out of theaters, I have to wait a bit until it comes to streaming to make my family watch it. It’s hard to be patient when it comes to a movie like this.
I know I’ve been quite cryptic about what this movie is about, what makes it so worth a watch, and why you should see it as soon as humanly possible, but I highly recommend not looking up anything about it. It’s better not knowing what exactly to expect from it.
Honestly, though, one of the things that made me want to watch this movie in the first place was the trailer. Now I know how that sounds, because obviously the trailer made me want to watch a movie, that’s the whole point of trailers, right? But here’s the thing about trailers, especially of recent years, they show the entire film, the whole plot, all the best parts, even the plot twists and reveals! They leave nothing to be discovered during the film, they just cram everything that matters into two or three minutes.
Not the Saltburn trailer. The Saltburn trailer was short, showed almost nothing, yet conveyed so much. Enough that it made me know I had to watch whatever this was. I respected it for that. It made it stand out from everything else in my eyes. I hate watching trailers because they practically ruin the film, but Saltburn had a trailer that truly enticed and piqued one’s curiosity.
So if you must see a small snippet before committing to the entire film, this trailer should do nicely (it’s not the exact one I saw but it’ll do):
If you have seen it, I’d love to know your thoughts in the comments! So if you haven’t seen it, maybe avoid the comments if you don’t want any spoilers. I’m dying to know what other people think of this movie, so don’t be shy. And have a great day!
-AMS
The December Comfort Watches, Day Four: While You Were Sleeping
Posted on December 4, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 26 Comments
Here’s a kind of fun personal fact about me and While You Were Sleeping: I was a working film critic when this came out in 1995, and I remember giving it a B minus; I thought it was a cute little romantic comedy but that there was really not much more to it than that. Two weeks later, the romantic comedy French Kiss, starring Kevin Kline and Meg Ryan, came out, and I liked that one a bit better: I gave it a B plus. In the nearly 30 years since, I have watched Sleeping at least a couple dozen times. By contrast I have not ever rewatched French Kiss, and moreover, have no real interest in watching it again. I may have liked French Kiss a little more in 1995, but whatever its other qualities, it was a “one and done” sort of film, which, once watched, did not recommend itself to be seen again. Sleeping, on the other hand, you just want to revisit, over and over.
Why? Because while the heart of While You Were Sleeping is a love story, it’s not the love story of Chicago El Train token counter Lucy (Sandra Bullock) and Peter Callaghan (Peter Gallagher), the businessman she fantasizes about and then rescues from the tracks after he’s mugged. It’s not even the love story of Lucy and Jack (Bill Pullman), Peter’s brother, who is suspicious about the sudden appearance of Lucy, even as he’s undeniably attracted to her and she to him. It’s the love story of Lucy and the Callaghan family: Peter’s mom and dad and sister and godfather (and Jack, too), who, after a hospital mix-up where she’s mistakenly identified as Peter’s fiancée, open their hearts and home to her even though Peter is in a coma at the hospital. In their mind, she’s already family, and is meant to be there anyway.
Lucy, who is alone in the world except for a cat, reluctantly accepts the first invitation and then keeps on accepting the later ones, and thus we get the scenes that make this whole movie so rewatchable: the little moments of the Callaghan family opening Christmas gifts and chatting, or talking about how the mashed potatoes are so creamy, and what Argentina’s best known for, during dinner. They are, literally, quotidian scenes, nothing that should be of note, nor would be except that we know how genuinely starved for them Lucy is. We see them through her eyes, and she makes them extraordinary. She loves being there, even though she knows she shouldn’t be, and comes to love the Callaghans, even as she knows that sooner or later, Peter will wake up and reveal her as the cuckoo in the nest.
And then, of course, Peter wakes up, and while everything doesn’t exactly go to hell (this is a romantic comedy, and an exceedingly gentle one at that), it does mean that Lucy has to answer for herself the question of whether she joins the Callaghan family for the wrong reasons, or separates herself from them for the right ones.
This is a movie that lives or dies on the character work. If the Callaghans weren’t a family you wanted to spend the holidays, and maybe the rest of your life, with, Lucy’s being enamored with them would fall flat. The film wisely packs it with character actors — Peter Boyle, Glynis Johns, Jack Warden — who have read the assignment and execute perfectly. Peter, the self-absorbed object of desire, wouldn’t work if he didn’t have an absurd edge to shave off the self-possession, and Peter Gallagher is happy to provide that (Gallagher is, in fact, absurdly handsome, and his eyebrows qualify as a character all their own, with as much work as they put in here). Top to bottom, this cast is a delight.
But none of it works without Bullock. In 1995 she was a newly-minted film presence thanks to the previous year’s Speed, but this was one of her first leading roles, and she nailed it. Bullock personifies an “everygirl” sort of vibe, smart but alone, wistful and with an understanding that this good thing she’s fallen into probably can’t last, and maybe shouldn’t. Apparently the role of Lucy was offered to Demi Moore and Julia Roberts before it was given to Bullock. While Moore and Roberts certainly would have made sense from an economic point of view (they were both at the height of their fame then), they couldn’t have done what Bullock did here. They were already stars. They would have brought that stardom to the role, and overwhelmed it. Bullock brought herself to the role, and it helped make her a star.
Also, aside from all of this, this movie has a small, incidental, and entirely throw-away shot that makes me laugh every single time I see it, without fail, always. It involves a kid on a bicycle. You will know it when you see it.
— JS
The December Comfort Watches, Day Three: Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World
Posted on December 3, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 17 Comments
The first thing to know about this film is that the protagonist, the 22-year-old Scott Pilgrim, starts off the film as an actual and verifiably shitty person. Does he know it? Really, not at all, partly because he’s 22 and that’s not a quality age for self-introspection, despite being a quality age for self-absorption. His friends are no help because they are also in that age group; only two of them — notably, both women — bother to let him know he’s trash. He absolutely unsurprisingly chooses not to acknowledge their pronouncements.
This would be the part where a movie marketing person might say that Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World is the story of Scott going from a shitty person to a good person. This would be incorrect. When the movie ends, Scott is not a good person. He is, however, a better person, with the potential to be good person somewhere down the road, probably in his mid-thirties or something, which in my experience is the time of life where the “decent human or awful shitbowl” question is finally sorted out and you go through the rest of your life being one or the other. You can still change in your 40 or 50s or whatever, but something like 99% of us don’t. If you’re an awful shitbowl at 36, you’ve committed to the bit in the way you probably hadn’t yet at 22. It’s a long way back from there.
Scott Pilgrim still being obviously a work in progress at the end of the movie (implied extremely heavily by the last images before we cut to the credits) is one of the reasons I love this film. It’s easy to miss it in all the surface anarchy, clever humorous bits and videogame and comic book callouts, but in this matter — and kind of in this matter only — it’s one of the more realistic films about being in one’s early 20s, being full of inertia and yourself, and figuring out that maybe you can improve on yourself, if for no other reason than to be the person who still has a partner and friends five years down the road.
Which is not to say I don’t also enjoy the surface anarchy, clever humorous bits and videogame and comic book callouts . I certainly do. In fact, this is the first film by director Edgar Wright that I can say I really connected with. Wright was already beloved in comedy nerd circles for films like Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz (both featuring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost), and while those films worked just fine for me, they weren’t ones that hugely moved my needle in terms of needing to seek out everything Edgar Wright did. Wright was clever! Clever is good! (Well, mostly.) But it took this source material to get me to see that what Wright was doing also could punch you in the face with a narrative. All the absurdity and chaos works, because, let’s face it, one’s early 20s are mostly absurdity and chaos anyway.
Everyone is a mess in this film. Scott’s a mess, as mentioned before, and Michael Cera does a very fine job personifying that mess, but he is hardly alone. Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, perfect casting), with whom he falls in love, thus precipitating the narrative crisis that drives the film, is no less a mess than Scott. She’s just a different mess — and tellingly, she’s well aware of the fact she’s a mess, even if she has no idea how to stop being a mess, except by running away, which I shouldn’t have to tell you doesn’t stop you from being a mess, it just means you have more time alone with your messy thoughts. I’ve seen Ramona Flowers categorized as a “manic pixie dreamgirl,” but that’s two-thirds wrong. Scott does see her in dreams, so fair call there, but in the film at least she’s not a pixie, and she’s definitely not manic; she’s Daria with curves. She’s a work in progress too.
So are Scott’s friends, and so are the people he fights for Ramona’s affections, and so are even the bit characters in the film. Everything in the film is heightened and funnier than it is in real life, and also, anyone who was ever in their early 20s probably had an “oh shit I did that” moment of recognition watching the characters in this film. We were all a mess! Hopefully less so now! But even so! I have affection for nearly everyone in this film, even six of the seven “evil exes” Scott is obliged to battle, because all of them are clearly having a struggle I understand or at least can empathize with.
(Jason Schwartzman’s character, on the other hand, can go fuck himself. But then he is clearly meant to be older than the rest of the characters, and has enthusiastically self-sorted into the “shitbowl” category, so).
The other thing that rings for me in this movie is how very specifically run down and spare everything about it is, not because the film is cheap (it cost $60 million, which for its own financial well-being was probably $30 million too many; it was a bit of a flop on release), but because when you’re in your early 20s and you don’t have anything approaching a livable amount of money to your name, you decorate in Dorm Room Cast Off style, your clothes are Goodwill Whatever, and you subsist off pizza and air. When you’re in your early 20s, this is fine! Try not to be caught doing it after 28. I certainly remember living in that mode when I was in my early 20s, loitering in that summer between college and my first real job.
All of which is to say that despite the substantial and literally fantastic artifice of Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World, and aside the humor and style, what brings me back to it over and over is its accuracy of the mode of being in one’s early 20s, not quite knowing who you are, much less who you are meant to become, and flailing about until you figure at least some of it out. In Scott’s case, it helps that he has Ramona to focus his attention on.
It’s been 13 years since the movie came out, Scott would be 35 now. I hope he’s mostly figured himself out. I hope Ramona has, too. I know where I want both of them to sort out.
— JS
The December Comfort Watches, Day Two: The Emperor’s New Groove
Posted on December 2, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 33 Comments
I’ve loved The Emperor’s New Groove since the first time I saw it, because of all the Disney animated movies that have ever come out, it’s probably the one closest to my own comedic and storytelling sensibilities (although others come close, and, no surprise, some of them will show up later in the month). I love its anarchic-for-Disney spirit. But in the last couple of years I’ve felt an additional sort of kinship with it.
It’s well known in movie nerd circles that The Emperor’s New Groove is something of a last-minute, hail-Mary attempt to save the production of the film when an earlier and much more earnest version, called Kingdom of the Sun, crashed and burned. This saga has been extensively detailed in all sorts of articles and YouTube videos and such (this is one of my favorites for that), so I won’t go into detail about it here. Suffice to say, The Emperor’s New Groove was a real shitshow production, until it wasn’t, and then suddenly a totally unexpected comedy gem surfaced out of the mess.
As it turns out, roughly twenty years after The Emperor’s New Groove hit theaters, I had the same sort of thing happen to me: I was trying to write a (for me) dark and gritty story that I had pitched to my editors as “Das Boot in space,” but it was 2020 when I was trying to write it, which was the wrong year — for all sorts of reasons — to try to write that sort of story. I fumbled the novel for most of a year and finally had to admit defeat to my editor, who pulled the novel out of the release schedule… and then literally an hour after it was pulled, the entire plot of The Kaiju Preservation Society downloaded into my brain. I banged out that novel in a few weeks, it slid into the publication slot of that previous, failed novel, and, you know what? It did juuuuuust fine, and is generally hailed as one of my funnier novels.
So now, when I watch The Emperor’s New Groove, aside from enjoying it as a completely bonkers viewing experience, there’s also an added layer of empathy for the filmmakers, who scrambled to salvage something out of wreckage. On a much, much smaller scale (just me instead of hundreds of animators and other filmmakers), I’ve been there. Is what came out of it as good as what had originally been intended? We can never know that. But it’s more than good enough, and that’s gonna work for me.
The plot of The Emperor’s New Groove is just your usual callow-emperor-is-a-jerk, emperor-is-turned-into-llama-by-enemies, emperor-defeats-enemies-with-the-power-of-friendship story, just, you know, funny. The filmmakers, after Kingdom of the Sun was overthrown, admitted they leaned heavily on the Chuck Jones, Looney Tunes sort of humor and sensibility. It shows, and it was a very smart call on their part. Other Disney films had dipped their toes into this sort of thing (Aladdin is the most obvious, with Robin Williams being his own trickster spirit), but Emperor does a cannonball into the deep end, doing the sort of slapstick that keeps hitting you with pies to the face. If you don’t like the flavor of the pie, don’t worry, the next pie will hit your face in three seconds. It can be exhausting! But it’s my kind of exhausting.
Also — and I’m speaking here for comedic purposes and not as a matter of cultural sensitivity, hold that thought for a second — this is one of the most perfectly cast animated comedies in the history of the world. David Spade as the bratty emperor Kuzco? Well, that’s just typecasting. Eartha Kitt as Yzma, the deliciously conniving villain? Purrrrfect (those of you who have watched the movie will see what I did there). John Goodman as the decent soul put to use as the straight man? No one better.
But the best casting is Patrick Warburton as Kronk, Yzma’s boy-toy-slash-henchman. Unlike Yzma, Kronk is not evil, he’s a good soul who fell in with the wrong crowd and is making the best of his circumstances in a slightly oblivious, slightly overwhemed way. He’s dimwitted, yet a font of very specific information (can you speak Squirrel?), and just wants to be helpful regardless of circumstances. The moment when Yzma finally turns on him you can genuinely feel his heart break, not because he’s been rebuked but because is his mechanism of care for others (spinach puffs!) has been rejected. His expression is exactly what a golden retriever’s is when he figures out that you, in fact, did not throw the ball. You want to reach right into the screen and give Kronk a hug.
(Should a film about Incans have been made with a cast that has absolutely no relation to that area, culture and history? No, but this was 2000, i.e., the tail end of Disney’s “just cast famous mostly white people, it’s fine” era, and this is what they went with. When the inevitable-yet-absofuckinglutely-unneeded live action version of this film comes to Disney Plus, no doubt The Mouse will rectify this, and the cast will be fine and show the animated version could have absolutely found appropriate actors at the time, even as the live action version itself will feel like two hours of nails dragged across chalkboards, like every other “live action” version of an animated Disney movie. Sorry, I got carried away. Moving on. PS: Watch Coco, it will rip your heart out.)
(Oh, and, I’m not in love with the film’s agism regarding Yzma, even if it’s mostly there to point out the jerkiness of Kuzco. Point taken, but it didn’t work 20 years ago, and it works even less now. A flaw in otherwise delightful patter.)
What makes Emperor work is that, exceptions above aside, all the jokes still land. No matter how many times I see them, I giggle at them. That’s down to the character work of the voice actors and animators, and the wham-wham-WHAM timing of the film. It’s one hour and eighteen minutes and it packs three hours of jokes into those 78 minutes. It never drags. That’s a minor miracle for any film. I have a feeling the Kingdom of the Sun may not have been able to say otherwise, which is why it’s not here and this film is.
I appreciate The Emperor’s New Groove, for the fact it’s a delight, and for the fact that making it was nothing approaching delightful. There’s something about a work that survives despite itself. The people who made it no doubt have stories about the whole ride. I can honestly say I know how they feel.
— JS
The December Comfort Watches, Day One: The Holiday
Posted on December 1, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 32 Comments
I don’t know about the rest of you, but with the advent of the holiday season, and the fact by the second week of December everyone collectively decides, well, that’s all the work that needs to be done this year, I spend a lot of my time this month camped out on my couch, watching a bunch of movies that I’ve seen before many times but pretty much only watch in December, for the reasons noted above. Some of them are holiday-related! But others are just, oh, I like this movie, I can watch it with my brain turned off. The December Comfort Watches.
This month, because I thought it would be fun, I’ve decided I will share a list of some of my favorite December Comfort Watches, once a day until the end of the month, or until I get bored and wander off to, you guessed it, watch some films. I want to be clear that I am not staking a claim to these films being the best films ever made, or in some cases that they are even good films; they are just the ones that I’m happy to put on, wrap a blanket around myself, and then do nothing else until I get to the credits. “Intensely watchable during seasonal torpor” is perhaps how I might put it.
And to start us off, let’s do one that is in fact seasonal: The Holiday, the 2006 trifle written and directed by Nancy Meyers. As a director and writer, Meyer is known as a bit of a specialist in the amusing misadventures of the sort of well-off white women who have both immaculate kitchens and the staff to keep them so. The Holiday certainly doesn’t break from that mold: One of her film’s two protagonists, played by Cameron Diaz, makes film trailers and lives in the sort of fenced-off Beverly Hills house that usually quarters movie stars or producers, or their plastic surgeons. The other protagonist, played by Kate Winslet, is a journalist who lives in a rather more modest cottage in Surrey, England, but even that is picturesque in a way that clearly belies the hand of a set designer.
These respective houses are important because our two characters swap them over a Christmas holiday, both trying to get away from heartbreak: Amanda (Diaz) because her composer boyfriend is boinking a staffer and Iris (Winslet) because her longtime newsroom fling is getting married to a blandly respectable woman from — horrors! — the circulation department. Amanda, who has the money for impulsive behavior, sees Iris’ cottage on a vacation home site and wonders if it’s available for an escape; Iris, who does not have the money for any of this but needs her own escape, proposes a house swap. Presto, Iris is on her way to LA, and Amanda is headed for Surrey.
Other than this scene and two other very short moments, Amanda and Iris have nothing to do with each other the entire film; instead we get to watch them be fish out of their respective waters. Amanda is hating England until Iris’ brother Graham (Jude Law, extremely charming) drunkenly shows up and she shags him like a rug; Iris, on the other hand, is like a kid in the California candy store, running screaming with delight through Amanda’s house, making friends with everyone from the gardener to the befuddled old neighbor who happens to be a famous screenwriter, and meeting Miles (Jack Black), a schlubby but kind and funny composer who is happy to see what might transpire with this charming itinerant Englishwoman.
None of it has much relation to reality — the timelines in this film are all kinds of screwy — but this really isn’t the sort of movie you watch for gritty adhesion to the real world. It’s a fairy tale about two really attractive women inconvenienced by terrible men who solve their problems with the application of travel and other, presumably better, men. Along the way there’s some amusing dialogue, a couple of nice b-stories (Iris with the screenwriter, Amanda figuring out who is texting Graham and why), and lovely shots of film executive Los Angeles and postcard England.
Of the two main stories in this film, it’s probably no surprise that I enjoy the one with Kate Winslet more, being as I am a former journalist, and having as I do the belief that any storyline that has Jack Black as a surprisingly credible romantic lead is one that speaks to me as a fellow who also needs to get by more on funny than with looks. By contrast, Diaz and Law are merely two pretty people having pretty problems prettily. But even there, there’s quite a bit of charm. I don’t mind watching them come to their inevitable happy ending.
As a final note I will say that for a reasonably contemporary film, The Holiday absolutely takes place in the very year it happens and not one second later; the golden-era screenwriter could not be realistically be any older than he is in the film, and one pivotal scene takes place in a video store (not to mention, you know, newspapers being reasonably healthy entities). It’s just before Twitter, before Facebook, before Brexit and MAGA, before a whole bunch of nonsense, which makes it even more of a comforting escape in 2023. Who knew 2006 qualifies as the good old days?
— JS
The Big Idea: Aaron Sofaer
Posted on December 1, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 2 Comments
Author Aaron Sofaer needed to do some worldbuilding for the novel Quill & Still, and in this case, there was no point in doing it halfway. Come along as Sofaer goes into detail about what it takes to make a kingdom from scratch — and that has also existed for a millennium.
AARON SOFAER:
Quill & Still was always a story about civics.
It was called “The Quill & Lathe” at first, and it was going to be notionally focused on woodworking, magic by way of writing, and the use of those two in tandem. (I had just re-read The Magic of Recluce by L. E. Modesitt, Jr., and it showed.) But the first piece of worldbuilding was a treatise on patent law and how it could be used to actually incentivize innovation, not anything related to the main character’s profession or her adventures; I knew, even then, that it was the civics and public policy which were compelling me to write the story.
What might it look like when a society makes decisions on purpose and in earnest, rather than as a byproduct of ossified systems of power and governance? The Kingdom of Shem was my answer, inspired by authors like Alexander Wales (This Used To Be About Dungeons), Elizabeth Bear (Ancestral Night), Becky Chambers (Records of a Spaceborn Few), and Graydon Saunders (A Succession of Bad Days). It’s a messy place, a place that considers itself a work-in-progress, a place of political factions fighting over what the right path to a better future is… but it’s a place where those battles are fought earnestly and in the open, a place where those fellow travelers would rather build a compromise than tear each other down.
Sophie Nadash is an outsider, so we don’t see a whole lot of that. Instead, what we see is an ongoing culture clash between the assumptions that underlie Shemmai society and both her own expectations and the reader’s. She comes from our own world, after all, and her own unfamiliarities are my main tool for exploring the concepts that underlie the story.
Those concepts evolved over time, sometimes in ways that were entirely unplanned. The inciting incident of meeting Artemis in the forest started out as a joke, a reference to a meme about trans women being put into that circumstance—and then it turned out that I had quite a bit to say about Judaism, atheism, and divinity. The role of Immortals in Shemmai public life and the way that represents a hijacking of the Theurgist’s System by the Maintainers similarly grew out of a much smaller seed: the notion of a formalized, quantified system of power as an ongoing project of social engineering.
Quill & Still was written initially as a web serial on the website Royal Road, though it’s now making its way over to Amazon. The readership is pretty niche overall, and in particular a large portion of the readers are looking for progression fantasy and “litRPG” in which gamelike mechanics are integrated into the story. The third piece of worldbuilding I wrote for Quill & Still was a reflection on that: if a System, a structured framework for progression and the wielding of magic, were designed to make a kinder and more just society, what might it look like? What kind of things would it reward, and what would it grant? And how does Sophie relate to all of this? The Maintainers are retired archmages and public servants, fiddling with the underlying infrastructure that society runs on—how does the outcome reflect their own preferences, in much the same way that git (a very widely used piece of software) continues to indefensibly use vim (an archaic, user-unfriendly text editor) as its default for new users?
Sophie doesn’t care about the answers to those questions, because she thinks it’s all ridiculous. Not only is the System just a tool to her, it’s one that’s a farce, in much the same way that the reader may reflexively consider it a farce. But as Kelly (Sophie’s combination social worker, lab assistant, and career coach) points out, quantizing everything we run across is basic human nature, and Shem has had a thousand years of data collection to draw from; and as Sophie herself acknowledges, we have levels everywhere from GSE levels to GS ranks and levels to comparing a Scientist III with a Senior Scientist.
I still regret writing it that way. Not enough to rewrite it, mind you—I find those questions to be meaningful and interesting. But for all the effort I put into making it enjoyable to the general audience, I have no doubt that it’ll be off-putting to many people who pick up the story.
It’s not the only thing that people will find off-putting, though, even if it’s one of the few design decisions I regret. For every one-star review which began by calling my story “communist gay utopia wish fulfillment” and continued on to call Sophie a generic blue-haired STEM gal with pronouns, thus providing me with top-notch marketing material, there were more which viciously took umbrage to all sorts of things in less useful ways. My writing was too flowery, my characters too prone to banter; it’s too slow, obsequious towards the Gods who dwell within the world, too lacking in conflict, too utopian in its economics and horrifying in the social expectation that people will be kind to each other, too queer.
And yeah, it’s pretty queer. Not in a way that the story centers on—there are seven distinct categories of gender expression which appear in the book and a variety of relationship arrangements, yes, but that’s just not noteworthy to the people of Shem. The story isn’t about queerness, not in the same way that it’s about the logistics of housing and food in a rural village of a couple hundred people, not in the same way that it’s about the choice society imposes on you between influence and immortality (as wonderfully executed in Elizabeth Moon’s work) or about the life-work balance that can sustain people for hundreds of years of productive, joyful life.
Shem does policy on purpose and in an effort to make a better future—that’s axiomatic, and it’s also what the story centered around from start to finish. My job as a writer, then, was to explore the question of how that gets expressed, of how the State funds itself and which things it would consider inefficient forms of taxation or which things are investments with a positive return even when they’re structured as handouts. My job was to take the deep and howling frustration I have as a parent raising a daughter (a toddler at the time, a preschooler now) with effectively no support network outside of my wife, myself, and whatever help we pay for, and ask: how could this be better, how could this save us all from burning out on our jobs while being worse parents than we’d like to be. My job was, by writing a thousand to two thousand words a day while working a full-time job and being a parent, to suggest to the reader that what said reader really wanted was to sit in the reading nook that Sophie saw in the library with a basket of dumplings and a book, which quite frankly was all I wanted to do most days.
My job was to transport my readers into Shem, to make them yearn for a place where the rat race gives way to the slow life and where we could live more joyfully as truer versions of ourselves; my job was to take everyone who yearns for that world there, if only for a couple of chapters a week (and now a book, and soon its sequel). And maybe my job was to say to some readers, readers who saw in Sophie a reflection of themselves which they had never been offered by an author before: I see you. You are not alone.
Quill & Still Book One: Amazon|Riverfolk Books
Author Socials: Website|Mastodon|Bluesky|Discord Server
Whatever Holiday Gift Guide 2023, Day Five: Charities
Posted on December 1, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 31 Comments
For the last four days, the Whatever Gift Guide 2023 has been about helping you find the perfect gifts for friends and loved ones. But today I’d like to remind folks that the season is also about helping those in need. So this final day is for charities. If you’re looking for a place to make a donation — or know of a charitable organization that would gladly accept a donation — this is the place for it.
How to contribute to this thread:
1. Anyone can contribute. If you are associated with or work for a charity, tell us about the charity. If there’s a charity you regularly contribute to or like for philosophical reasons, share with the crowd. This is open to everyone.
2. Focus on non-political charities, please. Which is to say, charities whose primary mission is not political — so, for example, an advocacy group whose primary thrust is education but who also lobbies lawmakers would be fine, but a candidate or political party or political action committee is not. The idea here is charities that exist to help people and/or make the world a better place for all of us.
3. It’s okay to note personal fundraising (Indiegogo and GoFundMe campaigns, etc) for people in need. Also, other informal charities and fundraisers are fine, but please do your part to make sure you’re pointing people to a legitimate fundraiser and not a scam. I would suggest only suggesting campaigns that you can vouch for personally.
3. One post per person. In that post, you can list whatever charities you like, and more than one charity. Note also that the majority of Whatever’s readership is in the US/Canada, so I suggest focusing on charities available in North America.
4. Keep your description of the charity brief (there will be a lot of posts, I’m guessing) and entertaining. Imagine the person is in front of you as you tell them about the charity and is interested but easily distracted.
5. You may include a link to a charity site if you like by using standard HTML link scripting. Be warned that if you include too many links (typically three or more) your post may get sent to the moderating queue. If this happens, don’t panic: I’ll be going in through the day to release moderated posts. Note that posts will occasionally go into the moderation queue semi-randomly; Don’t panic about that either.
6. Comment posts that are not about people promoting charities they like will be deleted, in order to keep the comment thread useful for people looking to find charities to contribute to.
All right, then: It’s the season of giving. Tell us where to give to make this a better place.
The Big Idea: Felicia Day
Posted on November 30, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 12 Comments
As children, we often dream of being a special one, even The Chosen One — but as a practical matter, how would being that special actually be? Especially if life threw you some curveballs on the way to Chosenhood? It’s a thought Felicia Day has considered, in her life, and in her new audio drama, Third Eye.
FELICIA DAY:
My latest project, Third Eye, is seven-hour fantasy adventure in audio. It began almost six years ago with the simple thought: What if a fantasy-genre Chosen One turned out to be a total loser instead of saving the world? How much would that poor loser’s life suck afterward?
The answer would be: A lot.
The concept tickled me. And sounded like something fun I could dig into. But as I started writing, the deeper Big Idea changed from a funny longline into: “How does someone recover from being a total Failure?” And that twist made the project much more personal. Because, back then, I felt like a total Failure, too.
Now, you might say, “Felicia, that’s wild, eight years ago is when you were on the covers of magazines, and running a big digital company and throwing parties in stadiums!” And I would answer, “Yes, but when you are a traumatized gifted child, there is nothing you can achieve that will be ever be enough to make you feel like a winner outside of others’ praise. Because you have never seen yourself as anything outside what you achieve. I mean, spiritually, you’ve kind of never existed on the inside at all, so…excuse me, I gotta go write a comedy now, bye!”
My life and Laurel Pettigrew, the lead character I play in the show, have a few similarities. Laurel had a prophecy about her defeating the Great Evil of the world, I was a violin prodigy at age three, and then an internet content prodigy as an adult. She choked at her big battle, and I FELT that I choked when my internet business didn’t revolutionize…something? It’s been a lot for me to unravel in therapy, but in the end, everyone in the show treats Laurel like she Failed the world, which she kind of did, and that’s what I felt about myself at the time. Deep in my bones. So diving in over the last few years and creating a world and characters to take Laurel on a journey away from that loathful self-image was a very healing process for me. We are both better for it.
I surrounded Laurel with some fun sidekicks: A grift-y faerie princess played by the hilarious London Hughes, and a loser vampire played by Sean Astin. Terrible roommates, great friends. They tolerate her self-loathing in a wonderful way. But when a teenager who inconceivably thinks Laurel is her hero (?!) enters her life, it blows up everything Laurel thought was true about herself and the world. And ultimately leads her to a place where she can…tolerate herself. Which I guess, is an improvement for some people. (Me and Laurel, at least!)
Ultimately, writing the project lead me to conclude that being “special” as a kid is a curse you’ll have to outrun your whole life. I see it in myself, I see it in Hollywood with former child actors, and I see it from afar with kid YouTube stars (*shudder*). There’s a reason I let my daughter drop out of classes she doesn’t want to do. Because, even if she’s good at the piano, I don’t want her to ever think that she is her piano playing ability. She’s just a kid, who has worth outside everyone else’s opinions of her. So if dropping out helps her form a healthy self-image of herself, I’ll consider myself a prodigy at parenting!
Just kidding. I hate that word now.
P.S.: Outside of the Big Idea, there are a few lines in “Third Eye” I am very proud of. One fart joke delivered by Sean Astin is a complete chef’s kiss, and Neil Gaiman saying the words “crab hand rolls” “tiny little horses” and “nipples” in the show is something I creepily have cut together in an mp3 on my computer desktop which I play when I’m feeling unfocused. Oops, shouldn’t have shared that, bye!
Third Eye: Audible
Whatever Holiday Gift Guide 2023, Day Four: Fan Favorites!
Posted on November 30, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 39 Comments
For the first three days of the Whatever Gift Guide 2023, We’ve had authors and creators tell you about their work. Today is different: Today is Fan Favorites day, in which fans, admirers and satisfied customers share with you a few of their favorite things — and you can share some of your favorite things as well. This is a way to discover some cool stuff from folks like you, and to spread the word about some of the things you love.
Fans: Here’s how to post in this thread. Please follow these directions!
1. Fans only: That means that authors and creators may not post about their own work in this thread (they may post about other people’s work, if they are fans). There are already existing threads for traditionally-published authors, non-traditionally published authors, and for other creators. Those are the places to post about your own work, not here.
2. Individually created and completed works only, please. Which is to say, don’t promote things like a piece of hardware you can find at Home Depot, shoes from Foot Locker, or a TV you got at Wal-Mart. Focus on things created by one person or a small group: Music, books, crafts and such. Things that you’ve discovered and think other people should know about, basically. Do not post about works in progress, even if they’re posted publicly elsewhere. Remember that this is supposed to be a gift guide, and that these are things meant to be given to other people. So focus on things that are completed and able to be sold or shared.
3. One post per fan. In that post, you can list whatever creations you like, from more than one person if you like, but allow me to suggest you focus on newer stuff. Note also that the majority of Whatever’s readership is in the US/Canada, so I suggest focusing on things available in North America. If they are from or available in other countries, please note that!
4. Keep your description of the work brief (there will be a lot of posts, I’m guessing) and entertaining. Imagine the person is in front of you as you tell them about the work and is interested but easily distracted.
5. You may include a link to a sales site if you like by using standard HTML link scripting. Be warned that if you include too many links (typically three or more) your post may get sent to the moderating queue. If this happens, don’t panic: I’ll be going in through the day to release moderated posts. Note that posts will occasionally go into the moderation queue semi-randomly; Don’t panic about that either.
6. Comment posts that are not about fans promoting work they like will be deleted, in order to keep the comment thread useful for people looking to find interesting gifts.
Got it? Excellent. Now: Geek out and tell us about cool stuff you love — and where we can get it too.
Tomorrow: Charities!
Whatever Holiday Gift Guide 2023, Day Three: Arts, Crafts, Music and More
Posted on November 29, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 72 Comments
The Whatever Holiday Gift Guide 2023 continues, and today we move away from books and focus on other gifts and crafts — which you can take to mean just about any other sort of thing a creative person might make: Music, art, knitting, jewelry, artisan foodstuffs and so on. These can be great, unique gifts for special folks in your life, and things you can’t just get down at the mall. I hope you see some cool stuff here.
Please note that the comment thread today is only for creators to post about their gifts for sale; please do not leave other comments, as they will be snipped out to keep the thread from getting cluttered. Thanks!
Creators: Here’s how to post in this thread. Please follow these directions!
1. Creators (of things other than books) only. This is an intentionally expansive category, so if you’ve made something and have it available for the public to try or buy, you can probably post about in this thread. The exception to this is books (including comics and graphic novels), which have two previously existing threads, one for traditionally-published works and one for non-traditionally published works (Note: if you are an author and also create other stuff, you may promote that other stuff today). Don’t post if you are not the creator of the thing you want to promote, please.
2. Personally-created and completed works only. This thread is specifically for artists and creators who are making their own unique works. Mass-producible things like CDs, buttons or T-shirts are acceptable if you’ve personally created what’s on it. But please don’t use this thread for things that were created by others, which you happen to sell. Likewise, do not post about works in progress, even if you’re posting them publicly elsewhere. Remember that this is supposed to be a gift guide, and that these are things meant to be given to other people. Also, don’t just promote yourself unless you have something to sell or provide, that others may give as a gift.
3. One post per creator. In that post, you can list whatever creations of yours you like, but allow me to suggest you focus on your most recent creation. Note also that the majority of Whatever’s readership is in the US/Canada, so I suggest focusing on things available in North America. If you are elsewhere and your work is available there, please note it.
4. Keep your description of your work brief (there will be a lot of posts, I’m guessing) and entertaining. Imagine the person is in front of you as you tell them about your work and is interested but easily distracted.
5. You may include a link to a sales site if you like by using standard HTML link scripting. Be warned that if you include too many links (typically three or more) your post may get sent to the moderating queue. If this happens, don’t panic: I’ll be going in through the day to release moderated posts. Note that posts will occasionally go into the moderation queue semi-randomly; Don’t panic about that either.
6. As noted above, comment posts that are not from creators promoting their work as specified above will be deleted, in order to keep the comment thread useful for people looking to find interesting work.
Now: Tell us about your stuff!
Tomorrow: Fan Favorites!
New Music: Study of Decay I
Posted on November 28, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 2 Comments
Hey, feel like you could use a few minutes of relentless industrial droning? Well, then, have I got a track for you! It started off much more chipper and in a different key entirely, but little by little it ended up here. I guess I’m in that kind of mood musically, as November grinds down to cold and early darkness. Maybe I need some Christmas music or something. Or a hug.
Anyway, enjoy the bleakness, if bleakness is a thing you enjoy.
— JS
The Big Idea: Paige E. Ewing
Posted on November 28, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 1 Comment
Fayetteville may not have been on your radar as a hotbed of fae activity, but as Paige E. Ewing is here to tell you, it’s the place to be for her novel, Explosive Chemistry.
PAIGE E. EWING:
When Solifu, the impossibly ancient Egyptian mystic, held her tiny spider-kin daughter in her arms, she knew she would never bear another. She would bear two more sons, lion-kin like their father, Simon the last surviving prince of Nemea, but Liliana would be her last daughter. She would not survive to see the adult this babe would one day become. “I give you my word on this, little one. Your childhood will be filled with love and music, dancing and joy.”
Ixchel, the Peruvian jaguar-kin who owned both her and Simon’s hearts touched the infant’s face. “She only has two eyes. Is she a Normal?”
“She is like me,” Solifu said. “Her sight will mature, but it will be hard for her. She will need all three of us.”
When Liliana was five, a little boy pushed her and curved razor-sharp blades popped out of her forearms, scaring them both. Solifu, Simon, and Ixchel took turns training their tiny daughter in combat discipline, so she could handle her natural weaponry without harming herself or others.
At ten, Liliana looked like a petite child of seven. She opened new eyes on her temples, green and shimmering like chrome. Unnamed spectrums filled her vision. Her development stopped as her mind re-shaped itself to adapt. Liliana laughed in a world with new colors in all directions at once. The bright beads of gypsy scarves sparkled even behind her as she danced to the music the Romani circus people made on well-worn instruments.
By twenty, little Lilly as her father called her, had the body of a Normal girl of twelve. The third pair of eyes that opened like black pearl tears showed her souls tinged yellow with pity as her old friends found husbands and wives. In time, with the help of combat training and focus, her mind adjusted again.
Each new kind of vision made her more different, but circus children didn’t mind different, and still played hide and seek with her. And now, Liliana could fly. She danced joyously on the high wires and leapt fearlessly from the trapeze swings. Her father’s strong hands were always there to catch her.
When she finally grew up, Lilly wanted to be like her adult sister Isabella, who had her own caravan and made her living as Madame Bella, the seer of all that is hidden. Her baby brothers, Petros and Jason, for the first time gave Liliana someone smaller than her to care for. They grinned her father’s smile at the brightly-colored toys she made for them.
At thirty, when Lilly’s body reached a fourteen-year-old’s adolescence, her final large swirly pair of spider-kin eyes opened on her forehead. Her mind drowned in overwhelming images of what was, what might be, and what had been. She couldn’t close her eyes. She couldn’t shut it out.
It was too much.
Liliana’s young mind lost itself so completely that her parents had to dress her and feed her like a babe that first year. Her mind tried to fight its way to sanity, but often it just shut down, leaving Lilly floating in an empty dark place that time didn’t touch. The universal therapy of combat discipline brought her back – the swish and clash of blades, the feel of the ground beneath her feet. Slowly, her mind re-shaped itself.
She remembered how to dance and remembered how to fly, but her joy was gone.
Liliana’s sister Isabella bid her goodbye one day. She had foreseen a daughter coming to her and her husband, but the not-yet-conceived child would only be safe if they fled Europe to Iceland. So they did.
At night, Lilly’s control slipped and bloody nightmares came. Wars across time. The deaths of everyone she knew. Emotionally charged events were the hardest to shut out, and nothing was harder to not see than death. Her father and first mother died, the blood too bright, the growls of the red Celtic werewolves ripping them apart too loud.
Solifu saw the same visions, but she told her daughter she had a lot of practice navigating the paths of the future. It was a true statement, but not truth. Her daughter trusted her to use her vision to find a safe path.
But Solifu made a different choice.
She hoped one day her daughter would forgive her.
Liliana’s nightmares came back with a vengeance one night, more vivid than ever. As she often did when nightmares plagued her, Liliana crawled into the cage with the big, lazy true lions to sleep. The lionesses guarded her between them like a frightened cub. Just as she drifted to sleep again, her second mother Ixchel opened the cage door and ushered in two lion cubs. Lilly recognized her two brothers, Jason and Petros, pretending to be true lions.
“Shh,” Ixchel said. “Stay hidden.”
The circus never moved in the dead of night, but that time it did. The animals, all the misfits, and the Romani got on board a big ship, leaving the beautiful wooden caravans, their homes, behind.
Liliana’s father and first mother didn’t board.
Screams, her father’s bone-shaking roar, blood and violence filled Liliana’s fourth eyes, crisp and sharp, real and now.
Solifu, her husband and eldest sons fighting at her side, delayed the pack of Himmler’s red wolves while all their Roma friends, their beloved wife, Ixchel, and their youngest children escaped on the tide. Liliana saw other possible paths, but they were all filled with the death of the Romani, the gypsy children she’d grown up with who now had children of their own.
Solifu and Simon could have run, but they chose to stay and die so their friends could survive.
And Liliana, helpless to shut it out, helpless to change what she saw, watched them die again and again like her second mother’s gramophone stuck in a bloody groove.
****
Over a hundred years later, Precise Oaths, first in the Liliana and the Fae of Fayetteville series, starts. Thirty years in our future, the Green resurges, gaining strength with every clean air initiative, and combustion engine rusting in a recycle lot. The Green feeds power to the hidden peoples with kinship to beasts and plants and stones.
Neurodivergent loner, Liliana, as Madame Anna Sees All, guides the people of Fayetteville, North Carolina away from danger and toward happiness. Crippling social anxiety ensures that the only people she talks to in her little town are paying clients.
When a red wolf-kin, Peter Teague, and two police officers accuse her of being a serial killer, she flees. But the red wolf just wants to stop more deaths. Lilly fights shoulder-to-shoulder with this decent man descended from her parents’ murderers. Siobhan, the flower sprite lends bullets from her machine gun, and the goblin Doctor Nudd lends wisdom and healing to their victory.
Faytetteville is safer, and Liliana has friends again. Friends bring her laughter, music, tea parties, and dancing. Their commanding officer, Colonel Bennett, a Fae prince in hiding, flirts with her in his voice like deep honey, promising more.
In Explosive Chemistry, book 2, Liliana’s fourth eyes see murder coming for all of them, friends and clients alike. It’s a wave of blood darker than she has seen since she hid in a cage full of lions as an adolescent. How can she save everyone she knows? She and Pete stopped the serial killers already. What did they miss?
Many paths of the future where she saves her friends show her own death, but Liliana refuses to be alone again.
For the first time, she understands Solifu’s choice.
It’s her life. Liliana will decide who is worth the risk of it.
Explosive Chemistry: Amazon|Barnes & Noble|Bookshop|Powell’s|Universal
Author Socials: Personal site|Instagram|Twitter|Bluesky
Whatever Holiday Gift Guide 2023, Day Two: Non-Traditionally Published Books
Posted on November 28, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 240 Comments
Today is Day Two of the Whatever Holiday Gift Guide 2023, and today the focus is on Non-Traditionally Published Books: Self-published works, electronically-exclusive books, books from micro presses, books released outside the usual environs of the publishing world, and so on. Hey, I put my first novel up on this very Web site years ago and told people to send me a dollar if they liked it. Look where it got me. I hope you find some good stuff today.
Please note that the comment thread today is only for non-traditional authors and editors to post about their books; please do not leave other comments, as they will be snipped out to keep the thread from getting cluttered. Thanks!
Authors/editors: Here’s how to post in this thread. Please follow these directions!
1. Authors and editors of non-traditionally published books only. This includes comics and graphic novels, as well as non-fiction books and audiobooks. If your book has been traditionally published — available in bookstores on a returnable basis — post about your book in the thread that went up yesterday (if you are in doubt, assume you are non-traditionally published and post here). If you are a creator in another form or medium, your thread is coming tomorrow. Don’t post if you are not the author or editor, please.
2. Completed works only. Do not post about works in progress, even if you’re posting them publicly. Remember that this is supposed to be a gift guide, and that these are things meant to be given to other people. Likewise, don’t just promote yourself unless you have something to sell or provide, that others may give as a gift.
3. One post per author. In that post, you can list whatever books of yours you like, but allow me to suggest you focus on your most recent book. Note also that the majority of Whatever’s readership is in the US/Canada, so I suggest focusing on books available in North America. If your book is only available in the UK or some other country, please let people know!
4. Keep your description of your book brief (there will be a lot of posts, I’m guessing) and entertaining. Imagine the person is in front of you as you tell them about your book and is interested but easily distracted.
5. You may include a link to a bookseller if you like by using standard HTML link scripting or URL. Be warned that if you include too many links (typically three or more) your post may get sent to the moderating queue. If this happens, don’t panic: I’ll be going in through the day to release moderated posts. Note that posts will occasionally go into the moderation queue semi-randomly; Don’t panic about that either.
6. As noted above, comment posts that are not from authors/editors promoting their books as specified above will be deleted, in order to keep the comment thread useful for people looking to find interesting books.
Now: Tell us about your book!
Tomorrow (11/29): Other creators (musicians, artists, crafters, etc!)
Whatever Holiday Gift Guide 2023, Day One: Traditionally Published Books
Posted on November 27, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 98 Comments
Welcome to the first day of the Whatever Shopping Guide 2023 — Our way of helping you folks learn about cool creative gifts for the holidays, straight from the folks who have created them.
Today’s featured products are traditionally published books (including graphic novels and audiobooks); that is, books put out by publishers who ship books to stores on a returnable basis. In the comment thread below, authors and editors of these books will tell you a little bit about their latest and/or greatest books so that you will be enticed to get that book for yourself or loved ones this holiday season. Because, hey: Books are spectacular gifts. Enjoy your browsing, and we hope you find the perfect book!
Please note that the comment thread today is only for authors and editors to post about their books; please do not leave other comments, as they will be snipped out to keep the thread from getting cluttered. Thanks!
Authors/editors: Here’s how to post in this thread. Please follow these directions!
1. Authors and editors only, books only (including audiobooks). There will be other threads for other stuff, later in the week. Any type of book is fine: Fiction, non-fiction, graphic novels, etc. If you are not the author/editor of the book you’re posting about, don’t post. This is for authors and editors only.
2. For printed books, they must be currently in print (i.e., published before 12/31/2023) and available on a returnable basis at bookstores and at least one of the following three online bookstores: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Powell’s. This is so people can find your book when they go looking for it. For audiobooks, they must be professionally published (no self-produced, self-published audiobooks) and at least available through Amazon/Audible. If your book isn’t available as described, or if you’re not sure, wait for the shopping guide for non-traditional books, which will go up tomorrow.
3. One post per author. In that post, you can list whatever books of yours you like (as long as it meets the criteria in point 2), but allow me to suggest you focus on your most recent book. Note also that the majority of Whatever’s readership is in the US/Canada, so I suggest focusing on books currently available in North America (if your book is available only in the UK or elsewhere, please note that).
4. Keep your description of your book brief (there will be a lot of posts, I’m guessing) and entertaining. Imagine the person is in front of you as you tell them about your book and is interested but easily distracted.
5. You may include a link to a bookseller if you like by using standard HTML link scripting or a URL. Be warned that if you include too many links (typically three or more) your post may get sent to the moderating queue. If this happens, don’t panic: I’ll be going in through the day to release moderated posts. Note that posts will occasionally go into the moderation queue semi-randomly; Don’t panic about that either.
6. As noted above, comment posts that are not from authors/editors promoting their books as specified above will be deleted, in order to keep the comment thread useful for people looking to find interesting books.
Got it? Excellent. Then tell the folks about your book! And tell your author friends about this thread so they can come around as well.
Tomorrow (11/28/23): Non-traditional books!
O Captain, My Captain
Posted on November 26, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 16 Comments
I deejayed a dance at a Star Trek-themed convention over the weekend. I set up my DJ stuff on the main stage of the convention, which, naturally enough, had a starship bridge on it. Krissy came up and sat in the captain’s chair, and, may I say, it was a natural fit for her. I would definitely let her lead me to strange new worlds, and such. Indeed I did, since she’s the reason I moved to Ohio.
The DJ set was the last public event I have in 2023; now I am at home for two! whole! months! before heading to the Confusion convention in Michigan in late January. What shall I do with my time? Sleep, for one. Spend a bit of time zoning out watching movies, for another. We’ll see where I go from there after that.
— JS
Whatever 2023 Holiday Gift Guide Starts Monday!
Posted on November 24, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 20 Comments
Every year as the holiday season begins I run a gift guide for the holidays, and over the years it’s been quite successful: Lots of people have found out about excellent books and crafts and charities and what have you, making for excellent gift-giving opportunities during the holiday season. I’ve decided to do it again this year.
So: Starting Monday, November 27, the Whatever Holiday Gift Guide returns! If you’re a writer or other creator, this will be an excellent time to promote your work on a site which gets tens of thousands of viewers daily, almost all of whom will be interested in stuff for the holidays. If you’re someone looking to give gifts, you’ll see lots of excellent ideas. And you’ll also have a day to suggest stuff from other folks too. Everybody wins!
To give you all time to prepare, here’s the schedule of what will be promoted on which days:
Monday, November 27: Traditionally Published Authors — If your work is being published by a publisher a) who is not you and b) gets your books into actual, physical bookstores on a returnable basis, this is your day to tell people about your books. This includes comics/graphic novels and audiobooks.
Tuesday, November 28: Non-Traditionally Published Authors — Self-published? Electronically published? Or other? This is your day. This also includes comics/graphic novels and audiobooks.
Wednesday, November 29: Other Creators — Artists, knitters, jewelers, musicians, and anyone who has cool stuff to sell this holiday season, this will be the day to show off your creations.
Thursday, November 30: Fan Favorite Day — Not an author/artist/musician/other creator but know about some really cool stuff you think people will want to know about for the holidays? Share! Share with the crowd!
Friday, December 1: Charities — If you are involved in a charity, or have a favorite charity you’d like to let people know about, this is the day to do it.
If you have questions about how all of this will work, go ahead and ask them in the comment thread (Don’t start promoting your stuff today — it’s not time yet), although I will note that specific instructions for each day will appear on that day. Don’t worry, it’ll be pretty easy. Thanks and feel free to share this post with creative folks who will have things to sell this holiday season.
— JS
Announcing the John Scalzi Humble Book Bundle, Benefitting First Book
Posted on November 23, 2023 Posted by John Scalzi 26 Comments
Humble Bundle is an organization that bundles up things like video games and books and other stuff that people like to have, offers them pretty cheaply, in various tiers, and then donates a portion of the proceeds to charitable organizations. A couple of months ago, Tor approached me about doing a Humble Bundle project with them, and as it happens, I had a charity that I thought would be perfect for such a bundle: First Book, which provides books to and champions literacy for children all around the United States. Children’s literacy, and their access to books, is more important now than ever. So I was happy to come on board.
With all that as preamble, allow me to announce the John Scalzi Humble Book Bundle Collection, which for the next 20 days allows you get up to $184 worth of the electronic versions of many of my novels, novellas and short stories for a mere fraction of that cost, with First Book as the bundle’s official charitable recipient.
For those who have never done this Humble Bundle thing before, it’s pretty simple: There are tiers of access, and the more you pay, the more you get. Want to pay a single dollar? We’re happy to give you Old Man’s War for that. Got $10 to spare? Then you get Old Man’s War, The Ghost Brigades, The Last Colony and Zoe’s Tale, the first four books in the Old Man’s War series.
But if you really want to splurge, for $18, you can get all six books of the Old Man’s War series, all three books of the Interdependency series, the two books and novella of the Lock In series, four stand-alone novels including Redshirts, my Hugo award winner, and the Kaiju Preservation Society, as well as my Hugo-winning essay collection Your Hate Mail Will Be Graded, and even a smattering of short stories, including the infamous “Shadow War of the Night Dragons: Book One: The Dead City: Prologue” (which was, improbably and delightfully, nominated for a Hugo as well). All told there are 21 items in the top tier package, if you pay $18 or more. That’s a pretty good deal.
(And yes, you can pay more if you would like, and allocate the percentages so that more of what you spend goes to First Book. It’s all right there on the bundle page.)
Oh, and another thing: Yes, I will get a cut of the amount that goes to Tor/Macmillan for this sale. You should know that half of my cut is going directly into The Scalzi Family Foundation (up to $50k), which we use to fund our own charitable, educational and cultural giving. The Scalzi Family Foundation, as you may recall, was the primary sponsor of the GenCon Writers Symposium this year, and this year we’ve also donated to local food banks, educational and cultural organizations, and other organizations which benefit both our local communities and communities across the US.
I hope you’ll take a look at the bundle and consider stocking up on the Scalzi eBooks that you haven’t gotten yet. Additionally, I hope you’ll tell other people about it. You probably know some folks who wouldn’t mind getting more Scalzi ebooks really cheaply and/or supporting a very excellent literacy charity. Here’s how to do both!
— JS
Whatever Everyone Else is Saying