ScalziProduct ™

Since I didn’t have any actual work today (shhh… don’t tell my book editors I said that), I thought I’d amuse myself and create a Cafe Press T-Shirt to sell to credulous saps with more money than brains. So here it is: the I Hate Your Politics Shirt, which features an abridged version of my (ahem) classic Whatever, “I Hate Your Politics,” in which I take long, loving whacks at liberals, conservatives and libertarians. That’s right, now you have the opportunity to be an equal opportunity offender. And we all know how important that is. The shirt is monstrously text heavy, so I don’t know that I would wear it unless you were ready to have people staring at your chest for extended periods of time. But the “I HATE YOUR POLITICS” headline can be read from afar. And that’s the main thing, isn’t it.

For those of you who prefer not to let people ogle you in the guise of reading your shirt, I offer the I Hate Your Politics Mega Mug, with the same incendiary text cradling 15 soul-satisfying ounces of your favorite beverage. This way, people will ogle your hand, not your chest, and if they get too fresh, you can always bonk them with the reasonably sturdy and undoubtedly painful ceramic surface of the mug.

Both the shirt and the mug feature the new motto: Encouraging Independent Thought Since 1998. Because, well, it has. Don’t blame me if that’s not what you’re getting out of it.

The drawback to both these fine products is the base price, which like most Cafe Press products is rather too expensive for the object being hawked, and then of course, I’ve added my own cut (an extra buck in both cases), for a total price of $15 for the shirt and $13 for the mug. So I’ll understand if you don’t rush out in your teeming millions to buy several for your friends and family. Although if you do, I’ll be your friend forever. That’s right, you’ll never be rid of me. There’s an incentive, now, isn’t there.



(spaces added here to make sure there’s enough room for the picture. Because I use small fonts and it’s all screwy on my screen, that’s why.)

Update: I’ve been asked to make a shirt that has the “I Hate Your Politics” screed on the back. Your wish is my command.

12 Comments on “ScalziProduct ™”

  1. Well, damn… and here I was just thinking the other day what a shame it was that you didn’t have any merchandise for me to waste money on. That’s pretty badass. For what it’s worth, I think Ayn Rand sucks, and I also think “Get Off My Property” is a fantastic political philosophy. But hey, there’s nothing better than pissing off the self-righteous (especially if there’s money to be had doing it). Nice.

  2. Any chance that you will switch the front and back? I much prefer T-Shirts with the writing on the back and the smaller logo on the front.

  3. Ah. I must have one. Interestingly, it was a link to that piece that first led me to your site, and I’ve been here and reading daily ever since.

  4. Bryan Writes:

    “Any chance that you will switch the front and back? I much prefer T-Shirts with the writing on the back and the smaller logo on the front.”

    I can’t do that with that particular shirt, but I think I can create a different shirt with the two reversed. Let me look at it and get back to you.

    (imagine about 90 minutes have passed)

    I’m back! The shirt is here:

    The front logo is not incredibly smaller, however. Maybe for the fall line.

  5. You’ve said nothing against Anarchists, so I am not amused.

    Nor am I willing to accept the “Anarchy describes a mob, not a political priniciple” arument. Sorry.

  6. Ok, I guess I have to buy one now that you did what I asked. 8-)

    My shirt is on its way.

  7. John,

    While wordy for merchandising, I like hte original, unedited screed much better. I hope your archives remain forever in tact while I continue to lure people into the site through that article and the series on the Confederacy (‘Southern Heritage is a Crock”, and “The Confederate States of America was EVIL”).


  8. At the end of the original article you say “I’m guessing you thought I was way off on your political philosophy but right on the button about the other two.” Well, this libertarian thought you were way off on all three – and also bang-on, and funny as hell. Particularly liked the “illigitimate child of Heinlein and Ayn Rand” line.

    Sadly, I don’t think I’ll buy a shirt that doesn’t also insult the socialists/communists/greens/whatever the far left is calling themselves today. What kind of libertarian would I be if my political shirt failed to piss off the dreadlocked Rage-Against-the-WTO set?

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