Book of the Dumb Headlines

I spent most of the day writing articles for The Book of the Dumb, and while I can’t share those with you right at the moment, I thought you might enjoy the headlines to some of the articles. Puzzle at their context-free non-sequitur-ositiy! Contemplate what they might be about! Pre-order the book! (Actually, you can).

Anyway, headlines:

* And Iowa’s Streets Will Flow Cornhusker Red!

* Later in the Day, The NRA Went Through The Halls Shooting Blanks

* You Know, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn Had a Fabulous Singing Voice

* For Extra Credit, Fight Off the Burly Cellmate Who Calls You “Girlfriend”

* And Every Sunday, She Buys New Pumps To Dance on His Grave

* On The Other hand, Give Them 15 Minutes And You’ll Have a Danielle Steele Novel

* 50,000 Volts Is Just God’s Way of Telling You to Play Through

* First We Take Austria. Then Lichtenstein Will Fall Like a Plump Grape.

* Also, When You Send Your Pet Cow to Kansas City, Don’t Expect it to Go Sightseeing

* Hakencreuzing For a Bruising

Yeah, I’m having fun.

7 Comments on “Book of the Dumb Headlines”

  1. Um…
    – some sort of drunkenness thing?
    – school shooting and/or NRA idiocy
    – Um… no
    – Credit card fraud gone wrong
    – Money-related, stupid boyfriend thing?
    – All’s I can think of here is the Infinite Monkey Theorum (aka “Danielle Steele’s writing process”)
    – Playing golf during a storm
    – Probably related to the Thirty Years War
    – Uh… probably *not* Wizard of Oz…
    – WTF is Hakkencreuz?

    (I’m way off, aren’t I?)

    Oh yeah, on the theme of dumbness, I heard on the radio a while ago they were polling for Worst Driver in Canberra. Some woman rang in to nominate her 17-year-old son: why? Because, late at night, half-pissed, he decided to “drag” with the blokes in the car beside him. Alas, the car beside him was an unmarked police car, and they weren’t too amused.

  2. I know I’m late to the party, but I wanna play!

    *I didn’t know there was a border war between Iowa and Nebraska. (The one between Minnesota and Wisconsin grabs all the headlines).
    *NRA? Dang, misread it as NBA. Thought the rate of missed free-throws had skyrocketed…
    *And I thought they gave free passes OUT of the Gulag for prisoners who “sing”.
    *They gave up on educating prisoners to be good citizens and are now trying to teach them to be better prisoners.
    *You’ve made a psychic connection with John Belushi and he really regrets doing that “last survivor of SNL” sketch. (John Edward Scalzi? Yikes!)
    *It’s that ‘monkeys writing Shakespeare’ meme, isn’t it? What are the monkeys in that experiment doing these days… besides blogging?
    *Hey, the combined five-iron/cattle prod is very useful on many Midwestern courses.
    *Lichtenstein fell like a plump grape long ago. Now it’s a plump raisin.
    *Sing along! Everything’s up to date in Kansas City!
    They’ve gone about as fur as they can go!
    For fifty cents you can buy a…. uh… nevermind.
    *I used to Hakencruez, but this new wonder drug cleared it all up (however I still have a krebulous discharge from my hangunschleugen, and an occasional recurrance of Schadenfreude)

    But I digress.
    What I really wanted to know is:
    Apparently, Amazon already knows that the book you’re writing is going to be 320 pages long.
    What happens if you’re right in the middle of a really good story when you hit 320?