A final Thursday half-hearted shout-out to my peeps (or complete lack thereof)

(Posted by Eric Magnuson)

July’s almost over. And with its passing shall go my brief interlude as your Thursday shtick-artist. I hope to leave the place as I found it – with a not entirely unpleasant smell, a re-stocked mini-fridge and all the neighbors unwilling to (formally) file restraining orders. But before I go, I do feel the urge to cut a more natural swath through things I find to be absurd currently. And shamelessly plug my often brilliant blog, and the Family Buick, in hopes of luring the buncha youse on a more regular basis over yonder after my time here is done. With that said, I’d like to offer my Reasons Why America Doesn’t Completely Suck, as inspired by the despicably self-righteous Bernard Goldberg. If you see Bernie anywhere near your communities in the near future promoting his new book, egg the man mercilessly. Trust me – he deserves it.

Why America Doesn’t Completely Suck
1. Even with most of the Country sweaty and gross, the temperature outside my San Francisco apartment is currently 64 degrees. And I only have to pay exorbinant cost-of-living rates year round to enjoy the beauty of room temperature all day long.
2. DirecTV is currently running ads for their NFL Sunday Ticket package incessantly featuring an overweight Jeff Garlin, even though the season won’t start for another 6 weeks.
3. ComedyCentral is also incessantly promoting a “Roast” of Pamela Anderson, even though she’s about as funny as Dick Van Patten. With huge knockers.
4. There’s a new cigar bar opening in Little Rock named “Monica’s on Clinton” near the Clinton Presidential Library. Seriously.
5. The Bushies are now calling the “Global War on Terror” the “Global Struggle against Extremism.” No wait – that’s one of the Reasons This Country Sucks (sorry, wrong list).
6. Pauly Shore can still find work.
7. Jon Stewart can say what he says without getting arrested. Unless he does so while buying crack with a male prostitute from an undercover cop. So to speak.
8. We invented TiVo, the Apple PowerBook, and Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream. Entirely by accident.
9. Baby jogging strollers are now better equipped than my entire childhood elementary school.
And a final Reason Why This Country Doesn’t Suck…
10. The internet has made it possible for anyone to publish for a World full of the curious (and spurious) at ree-deek-you-lousy low rates.

Any other Reasons you might want to offer? Regardless, tanks for reading. Rock on.

16 Comments on “A final Thursday half-hearted shout-out to my peeps (or complete lack thereof)”

  1. Why does the country suck because someone says that there is a “Global War on Terror/Extremism?” Were the London bombings not sufficiently horrific for you? What label would you prefer?

  2. Todd –

    The country sucks in my reference therein because no one besides a few irreverent “folks” (to use Dubya’s tortured vernacular) find the shift in language from war metaphors to utter legalese to be absurdist crap. If we’d said from immediately after 9/11 that this was nothing like a “war” we’d not even need to reference the assuredly tragic bombings in London when debating this moronic shift in emphasis thanks once again to (da-da-da!) the Bushies. If you’re asking what label I would prefer being used, I’d offer that we’re currently bogged down in a “Global Attempt to Change the Subject.” And a bloody ugly one at that.

  3. 11. All-night grocery shopping. True, most of it is based on forcing people with not much alternative to work nights without overtime, but hey, that’s the thing I miss most about America.

  4. 12. If you disobey the rules of your religion, you have to deal with your parents, not the police.

    13. You can accuse your leaders of taking away your right to free speech using a globally accessible, unmoderated, uncensored computer network, and not feel any real danger of reprisal.

    14. Our desire to be a better society than we are today is so strong that a person as popular, wealthy and successful as Oprah Winfrey can credibly speak on the need to do more to help women and minorities.

    15. My 5 year-old son wants to play shortstop for the New York Yankees, and I don’t have to rule it out (just yet, anyway…)

    16. In times of great sadness/joy, we can put aside our differences and come together to grieve/celebrate.

    17. One of our big health problems is that people generally eat too much.

    18. There are still some people around who are willing to make a list of reasons the country doesn’t suck without including a reason why it does suck.

  5. 20. Big place. Lots of space. If you don’t like the political and social atmosphere where you live, you can pick up and move somewhere that is 100% the opposite.

    21. The Fourth of July.

  6. 22. Once the press vultures get their claws in your flesh they never let go. If you’re lucky, you might get a bar named after your daughter’s sexual escapades. At lease Eminem doesn’t mince words when he describes women.

    23. We have the best republic that money can pay for. No self respecting leader would ever get near politics. But where else are you your own boss who can vote for your own raise.

  7. Even someone as critical of Bushco as I have been can see a ton of reasons that the country doesn’t suck. A ton. Two of my favourites?

    24. As Sue mentioned, barbecue (barbeque?).
    25. Santa Cruz.

  8. 26. Chasm Lake at the base of Long’s Peak in the Colorado Rockies. Lordy, if there is a more beautiful place on this Earth, I can’t imagine it.

  9. Of course, “the Bushies” bombed the London subways–or it was at least their fault. Bush likely planned it in order to convince Europeans to stop voting for socialist candidates. How cleverly fiendish of him!

    It might be worth pointing out that 9/11 was planned by Al Qaeda long before Bush took office. In fact, Islamic extremists actually tried to blow up the World Trade Center in 1993, when Bill Clinton was in office.

    It would be nice to change the subject. But it’s kind of hard to do when Islamic militants keep blowing up buildings and killing innocent civilians and all.

    I’m sure that all of this is a big misunderstanding. All the Islamic terrorists really need is a hug, and for Michael Moore to produce a sympathetic documentary about them.

    Or, perhaps the Islamic terrorists don’t distinguish between neo-fascist “Bushies” and enlightened liberals. If they get their way, they will kill a lot more Americans. And they aren’t going to give you a free pass because you believe in gay marriage and buy enviromentally friendly cleaning products.

    My point is this: yes, Bush is an idiot. He’s clumsy, inept, and I wish Bill Clinton were President again. But George Bush’s many failings don’t excuse the mindless bloodthirstiness of the Islamic fascists. They were dangerous nut cases before Bush, and they will be dangerous nut cases long after Bush has gone into retirement.

    We should not underestimate them or make excuses for their actions just because we don’t happen to like the current President of the United States.

  10. No, Todd, it is not hard to refrain from changing the subject. Start a discussion on your own blog or on a relevant item here. Eric’s thread is ‘what’s great about America,’ not “Please use this as a half-assed launch pad for a tangential soapbox.”

    28. We are a land of multiple and bewildering opinions and points of view. Let a thousand soapboxes bloom!

  11. 29. The mindless bloodthirsty bastards who are trying to kill us all are doing a really pathetic job of it. Yes, they tried to destroy the World Trade Center in 1993 – and failed. Their “Millenium Bomb” plot got stopped at the border. When they finally got one past our criminally negligent protectors (READ YOUR DAILY BRIEFING!), they killed less than 3000 out of 100,000 people who worked in the buildings they destroyed (a REMARKABLE livesaving rate, IMO). A “suicide bomber” with explosive shoes couldn’t detonate himself. (Meanwhile in England…) the 7/7 bombers left 20 more bombs in a car that got seized by the bobbies and the ‘second team’ bombers on 7/21 couldn’t get anything to fully explode. And the “suitcase nukes” that were smuggled out of Russia when the USSR collapsed are so far past their expiration date that all they could ever do is cause radiation poisoning for the people who’ve been holding them for the last 15 years.
    /end rant

    /back on topic
    30. The low-impact spectator sport of Baseball is still a great way to waste a weekend afternoon.

    31. A few of those obscenely expensive prescription drugs actually do some good.

    32. It’s possible to be accessable to the entire world at all times , but there is no law (yet) requiring you to do so.

    33. Movies like “March of the Penguins” still make it into the theaters from time to time (and the theaters are still air conditioned).

    34. No matter where you go in the United States, you know you can always get to the Pacific Ocean is you really really need to.

    35. The PT Cruiser is still cute as all get out.

    36. There are still places that offer home pizza delivery that aren’t national chains.

    37. They still let Keith Olbermann do a kindofa news show.

    38. California Avocados.

    39. Numbered lists aren’t just for office Powerpoint presentations.

  12. Mythago writes:

    “Start a discussion on your own blog or on a relevant item here. Eric’s thread is ‘what’s great about America,’ not “Please use this as a half-assed launch pad for a tangential soapbox.”

    I was responding to an item on his list, which was clearly a political statement. And the title of his post is not “what’s great about America” it is “why America doesn’t completely suck.” So let’s not pretend he was being completely neutral and upbeat.

    Kafkuesqui writes:
    “Dear Todd, Manic depression is a bitch, ain’t it.”

    Translation: I don’t understand the issues, so I’ll make an irrelevant ad hominem jab.

    Wendell writes:
    “The mindless bloodthirsty bastards who are trying to kill us all are doing a really pathetic job of it.”

    I think the relatives of the victims in London might disagree with you.

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