Here’s the Campbell Class of 2006, or at the very least, books representing each of us. While I’ve been catching up on my reading, I’ve also had my crack team of private investigators create dossiers on each other Campbell nominee this year, in, of course, wholly legal and non-intrusive ways. In this way, I’ve discovered some interesting facts about each of them, which I will share with you now. Because this group of nominees is undeniably modest and self-effacing, I won’t say which fact goes with which Campbell nominee — and I’ll also include an equal number of facts about myself, just to keep things on an even keel. Have fun trying to match the fact with the nominee!
Did you know:
* One nominee’s favorite color is ecru.
* One nominee’s secret ambition is to be a guest star on The Muppet Show, but lack of access to a time machine prevents this.
* In college, one nominee played bass in a Bauhaus tribute band called Gropius Schmopius.
* One nominee was born with an extra toe.
* One nominee’s favorite antebellum president is Millard Fillmore, and because of this the nominee will often find a way to work into conversation that president’s last words: “The nourishment is palatable.”
* One nominee can simultaneously write classical Greek with one hand, and Klingon with the other.
* One nominee is known to smell of fresh-baked white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies, which makes the nominee immensely popular with small children and baked goods fetishists.
* One nominee holds the world record for catching the largest number of grunion in a 15-minute period.
* If one particular nominee ever needs a kidney, they’ll be glad to know one other nominee is a match.
* One nominee is allergic to certain forms of plastic, which is why the nominee never drinks soda from two-liter bottles.
* As a child one nominee rescued so many pets from being run over that the mayor of the town in which the nominee lived declared a day in the nominee’s honor. Ironically, that day, the nominee’s pet kitten Chocolate was hit by a school bus.
* One nominee has a mild case of synesthesia, and thus has not only found the rainbow connection, but has also painted with all the colors of the wind.
* One nominee shudders involuntarily at the sound of the word “loquacious.”
* Whatever you do, don’t ask one nominee to explain to you the events of April 23, 1994. Or what happened to the shoes afterward.
* Rumor has it that if you look in the mirror and say this nominee’s name three times, the nominee will magically appear behind you, and offer you donuts.
* One nominee finds it impossible to sleep unless everyone else in the building is asleep first. This makes staying at hotels extremely difficult.
* At a Model UN conference in high school, one nominee, in the position as the model Ambassador from Camaroon, managed to convince the model Ambassador from Great Britain to launch the country’s nuclear arsenal at Argentina, thus precipitating a model 30-minute World War III in which a model 1.6 billion humans died during the resulting model nuclear exchange. This nominee was not only subsequently banned from further participation in Model UN, but was placed on a list of people who are not allowed to visit various United Nations facilities, including the headquarters in New York.
* One nominee can not only tie a cherry stem in a knot with their tongue, but if you give the nominee three cherry stems, they can make macrame.
* One nominee cries everytime Coldplay’s “Yellow” is played within earshot. No, the nominee doesn’t want to talk about it.
* One nominee’s first word as an infant was “booger.”
* In elementary school, one nominee wrote a semi-autobiographical short story for a contest in the local newspaper, with a prize as a party at the local skate rink. Before the nominee could submit the story, however, it was submitted by another student at the school. The story won, and the other student didn’t invite the nominee to the skate party. The name of that other student: James Frey.
* Due to a childhood brain trauma, one nominee, while otherwise completely normal, is unable to tie shoes, and therefore never wears shoes that require bows.
* One nominee’s mother gave up her own life’s ambitions to help her child learn and grow as a writer. However, since this nominee’s mother’s life ambition was to watch every single episode of General Hospital, this sacrifice was not terribly onerous, especially after the nominee’s mother learned how to program the VCR.
* One nominee has a concealed weapons permit. So don’t piss this nominee off.
Are these facts true? Well, if nothing else, they are all equally true.