Clearly You People Thought I Was Kidding

Well, who’s laughing now?


And now, an actual phone call:

Me (to Krissy): So, would you mind if I tape bacon to the cat?

Krissy: That’s a fairly interesting question. What’s the purpose here?

Me: I put taping bacon to the cat on a list of things I said I was going to do today and people seemed to be skeptical.

Krissy: You said you were going to tape bacon to the cat on the Whatever.

Me: Yeah.

Krissy (audible sigh): Since you are going to do it, and take a picture of it, all I ask is that you take the bacon off right after. All right?

Me: Okay.

Krissy: You’re a strange, strange, strange man.


338 Comments on “Clearly You People Thought I Was Kidding”

  1. Yes, the cat is fine. No, the dog wasn’t around. Yes, I rewarded the cat afterward with a treat. No, I didn’t let her eat the bacon. Yes, I’m a strange, strange, strange man. No, I won’t post pictures of me fighting crime.

    Yes, I’m going back to writing my book now.

  2. No, I won’t post pictures of me fighting crime.

    That’s okay, I dunno about anyone else, but what I really want to see is pictures of Krissy fighting crime with her Mjolnir Slugger.

  3. Now, see, that’s quality entertainment for your Internet dollar!

    Bravo, John! It makes my slacking off seem weak and pathetic by comparison.

  4. When I was a kid, I taped the pads on the cat’s paws….amusing sight….okay, I promise not to do it again…

  5. When she was in high school, my daughter (now a biology graduate and probably someday a lichenologist) taped a lichen to our fireplace. It was roughly as weird as this, but the difference is that she wanted to keep it there.

  6. Bill Macy:

    “So you need permission to bacon the cat, the question is, would Krissy need permission from you to bacon the cat?”

    The chances of Krissy having an urge to bacon the cat are so small that this question would never actually come up. However, I do believe that general pet humiliation would indeed fall under the “joint decision” category, along with large expenditures and child-rearing. So, yes, I do believe she would ask.

  7. What I want to know is, how’d you get the cat to hold still long enough to tape bacon to her? I’m pretty sure, if I tried to do this to Star and/or Maui, they’d squirm too much for me to get the tape to stick properly…

    Also, I love the expression on her face in the second photo…it looks like she’s thinking, “All right, silly human, now that you’ve had your little joke…”

  8. Classic cat face:

    “What the hell is my human doing now? Man, you are so going to pay. Might want to sleep with one eye open tonight, is all I’m saying…”

  9. You know, I had never really wanted very much to own a cat before now, but I’m starting to rethink that.

  10. I’m just waiting for PETA to get wind of this thread. And then we’ll find out whether our host can get anything accomplished when his site is flooded with a fresh crop of stupid.

  11. It is true that the pictures feature both pet humiliation and meat, two things PETA is against. But as I say, Ghlaghghee was not harmed and the bacon is beyond caring.

  12. You did it ALL wrong, apparently you’ve only taped bacon to dogs so far. You’re supposed to use a tooth pick to form the bacon into a ring and then cook it so it stands up on it’s own. Then tape the bacon on as a crown.

    Because cats love to have stuff on their head.

  13. …the bacon is beyond caring.

    But that bacon was once a caring, intelligent creature that frolicked and gamboled and…

    Man, a BLT sounds really good right now.

  14. My mum once told me she trimmed her cat’s whiskers when she was a little girl (my mum, not the cat.) Of course, the cat then got its head wedged in the nearest hole-smaller-than-cat’s-head it could find. Whiskers = nature’s parking sensors.

  15. Nah, the second photo is the cat contacting the 9th plane of hell for instructions and backup to deal with its human. I’ve seen that look before. The red eye is the give away.

    Yeah, John, I wouldn’t close my eyes tonight. Or the last thing you’ll remember is, “(sniff) hmm, is that bacon? Mmmm, ba-con. OUCH!”

    And while there is a call for no cheese photos, I’m starting a petition for no shower photos. :)

  16. Next up in the kitchen: taping buttered toast to the cat’s back and re-conducting the old experiments on whether the toast-always-landing-butter-side-down effect is balanced by the cat-always-landing-on-its-feet effect.

    We are not responsible if this rips a hole in the space-time continuum.

  17. It’s all I can do not to repost this and send the link to my boss. Who of course would seriously disaprove of me doing things other than my work.

    … But it’s bacon on a cat! One of which is tasty, the other I’m seriously allergic to!

  18. “Next up in the kitchen:…”

    Now that’s some real scientific thinking! If the fools at the institute would let me, I’d give you an honorary degree on the spot.

  19. To: Ghlaghghee Scalzi
    Re: Payback

    1) Take one catnip cat toy.
    2) Place it in the laundry basket full of Bacon-Taping Man’s underwear.
    3) Make sure cat toy also is in the dryer – vented outside to alert neighborhood felines.
    4) Enjoy.

  20. Ghlaghghee looks a bit like one of our cats — except fluffier and smarter than our Siamese — and seems to be taking the bacon in stride.

    I have to say that if we’d done that to any of our cats, the apartment would be close to destructivated, once all of the chasing and bacon-eating and cat-fighting was over. None of them would’ve been still enough to photograph.

    I guess what I’m saying is, your cat is probably saving up some nice revenge for later.

  21. “I’d give you an honorary degree on the spot.”

    While I would like to take credit for the idea, it’s been around for quite a long time. You’re right, though — whoever did come up with it should get a degree and maybe a research grant.

  22. I think now I know where you got the idea for The Ghost Brigades – it’s a reference to a brigade of ghost writers who write all your novels for you while you perform more important tasks such as taping bacon to the cat. ;->

  23. John Scalzi – you’d better get ready, it appears your link just got greenlit and is going to hit the main page. Fun fun

  24. Jive_Turkey:

    Yeah, I know — I got me a TOTALFark account and saw it. I’m on the phone with my provider warning them to warm up extra tubes.

  25. Demented you! Poor Cat – that is just rude. PETA where are you. Do people not have jobs? This is not funny humor. Tape the bacon to yourself and run around in circles – now that would be funny! Better yet tape it to your peter with duct tape – now that would be a hoot!

  26. Man, I was only away from The Whatever for a few hours to teach a class and then work on a blog entry — and the cat gets bacon taped on it. My blog entry on missing the deadline for the Barcelona novella contest is so pointless now.

    Dr. Phil

    PS – Is this how crack addicts feel? Just one more hit please?

  27. now thats quality programming right there, well tamed pussy and some semi-raw meat. i haven’t seen that on the internet since, oh, yesterday ..

  28. When the Fark link goes through I predict a lot of interweb shenanigans. You’ll probably get hatemail from the same people who thought the Bonsai Kitten, Cat Scan, and Oolong the Bunny were the devil’s work. Every time Heather at Dooce puts stuff on her dog’s head she seems to get a whole host of idiots telling her that’s Bad, Mmmmkay. (I think the spaghetti was one of the big scandals. Myself, I don’t understand how errant pasta can really go terribly wrong, but there are people out there who pounce on just this kinda thing.)

    (Also, What sort of tape did you use? I myself prefer 3-M products because they have their stickiness down to a science. Not that I use my 3-M products for sticking bacon to cats–just that I hate taping something, pulling up the tape, and having tape residue everywhere.)

  29. And to think, all I had to do with assault my cat with a pork product for my moment in the sun!

    It was right there in front of me the whole time!

    Damn you, Mr. Scalzi, whoever you are!

  30. Jive_Turkey:

    Yes. Krissy’s reign as the subject of the most popular post ever was a short one indeed.

    But, apparently, no one can resist bacon taped to a cat.

  31. *sigh* is there anything bacon can’t do?

    Seriously, good luck with the farking. I’ve been farked twice now, and both times resulted in about 100,000 unique visitors over a period of a week. Most are on the first day and then you get a secondary wave from people who have linked it on other sites.

    And this must be submitted to Stuff on my cat

  32. I am envious of you, because you’re doing for a living what you want and seem to be greatly enjoying it.

    And, you are a funny, albeit strange, man.

    Fark brought me here, btw.

    Viva la bacon on a cat!

  33. (1) Yikes:

    Farkers have clicked on the above link 4141 times

    This article posted to the Main page on Wed, 13 Sep 2006 at 3:02 PM

    (2) Cat Taped Bacon — Ted Nugent’s next Big Hit?

    (3) Scalzi’s photos are numbered cattapebacon[2-3].jpg, begging the question of what happened to cattapebacon1.jpg?

    You are so not going to get any writing done today… and neither am I.

    Dr. Phil

  34. Oh, my, goodness! You’ve got a little time on your hands, don’t you? BTW, the cat looks a lot like my Sadie, a Ragdoll. They’re usually very easygoing. How did you get her/him to hold still long enough to do this; mine is kind of hyper?

    Weirdest thing I’ve seen all day.

  35. Darn. I was hoping to submit a research grant to find out if bacon would indeed stick to a cat….cursed to do lists, scotch tape

    DARN YOU!!!!

  36. Sir, you are a god amongst procrastinators. I might suggest taping the bacon along her back next time. A similar stunt to the cat in the grapefruit hat, but with a lot less effort, and much more random.

    A devout cat and bacon lover, I never thought of combining them!

  37. Sir, you are a god amongst procrastinators. I might suggest taping the bacon along her back next time. A similar stunt to the cat in the grapefruit hat, but with a lot less effort, and much more random.

    A devout cat and bacon lover, I never thought of combining them!

  38. Man, you are something else.

    I mean, I used to mess with the cat in procrastiation but this was before the internet and a place to post the results.

    Now finish the frigging book cuuz your public is bored and not able to write their own right now!

  39. That is one exceptionally mellow cat. My cats run as soon as they see the tape dispenser or hear the ‘scritccchhh’ as it comes off the roll.
    You must not be taping enough things to him!

    BTW – Howdja get tape to stick to bacon?

  40. Bacon. On a Cat. Sounds like a good movie for Samuel L. Jackson.

    “I’m getting TIRED of this motherfarking bacon on a motherfarking cat.”

  41. Amanda:
    … But it’s bacon on a cat! One of which is tasty, the other I’m seriously allergic to!

    I do not want to know how you determined cats to be tasty.

    Personally, I would never do this to my cat. Mainly because I’m vegetarian and, ew, raw bacon!

    However, taping lettuce, tomatoes and sourdough bread to Ghlaghghee would complete the picture. No mayo, because it’s common knowledge that cats need no condiments.

  42. You’re being a little feline-centric. You could just as easily said you were taping a cat to a piece of bacon.

  43. I hope your cat is not a Muslim, because it can now never get into cat heaven to be blessed with 72 cat virgins when it passes from this world.

  44. Thanks for posting the pics so high res. They even look great blown up for my Background.


  45. Thanks for posting the pics so high res. They even look great blown up for my Background.


  46. I demand you get back to work on the lost colony so that in time the books may become a mini series on some television network.

  47. How charming. So the implication is that if one is a woman, she justify putting of pork products on felines simply by her say-so? This regressive behavior is typical of the cat-tormenting, porcine-promoting youth I see who have so little impulse control that they would put a sausage on a puma just for the joy of it. I would hope a grown woman of Krissy’s obvious intelligence would have more sense than that. But no. She decides that a cat in an open public place just trying to purr warranted authorizing her douche of a husband to slather bacon on it..

    Apparently the female commenters to this post advocate assault against men and are as regressed as Krissy, if not more so:

  48. As a four year old, my son taped the dead shell of a dungeness crab on his bedroom wall. It was his “crabby”.

  49. What an amazing coincidence! Just yesterday I taped a piece of cat to my bacon! And here you are, doing the exact opposite. It’s amazing I tell you. AMAZING!

  50. Okay, not the whole thing….but….

    To His Procrastinating Writer
    (apologies to Andrew Marvell)

    HAD we but world enough, and time,
    this lateness, Sir, were no crime
    We would sit down and think which way
    to entertain the ‘nets today.
    Thou to thy cat’s furry side
    Shouldst bacon tape: and the tide
    of Peta would complain. I would
    re-read Old Man’s War again
    and you should, if you please, refuse
    to finish Colonies til next June.
    Thy forlorn story should grow
    Vaster than empires, and more slow;
    A hundred years should go to praise
    the first two books in many ways;
    And meanwhile we with interwebs debate,
    Over cats and bacon and drunks and fate,
    a post at least to every meme,
    a post to find what androids dream.
    For, Sir, you post all the while,
    And I reload when I should file.

    But at my back I always hear
    thy grim editor hurrying near;
    Bearing yonder hobnailed plank
    And irate agents at his flank.


  51. I interpreted the look on the cat’s face in the second picture as resignation.

    Picture One: “Dammit, he went and taped bacon to me. Again.”

    Picture Two: Such is my lot in this world, it would seem; a pawn of fickle desires, doomed to be a bearer of processed pork products in the cold, lonely vale of this life.

  52. Why did the bacon cross the road.

    It was taped to the cat that was chasing the chicken.

    Fuzzy Bacon!! MMMMMMM. Homer Like!

  53. I got here because of fark, and showed it to the wife, we both think it’s great.

    I once hog-tied my roommate’s cat with masking tape… boy that was tough to remove…

  54. *doffs hat to PixelFish*

    *looks at hat in hand. Decides this is insufficient homage. Flings self to ground. Is not worthy.*

  55. Bartlebee:

    “It would have been WAY more impressive if you made a bacon helmet for the cat.”

    Yeah, then my book editor really would have flown in just to kick my ass.

  56. This is a picture that should be sent to I would imagine they would enjoy it as well.

  57. I am told:

    This could be a depection of a Dutch saying.

    “Als men de kat op het spek bindt, wil hij er niet van vreten.”
    The literal translation would be: “If you tie the cat to the bacon it doesn’t want to eat it.”

    The meaning is that you have to give the cat some room to move or he’s not going to do what is expected of him.

  58. I can only think of the doom my cats would rain upon my head if I tried that. *Sniff* Your mother must be so proud.

    Way cool!!

  59. Makes me think of the whole cat people v. dog people dichotomy.

    I’ve always been a dog person myself.

    But Ive never eaten bacon wrapped cat.

  60. This is disgusting. It clearly is animal abuse and I will be reporting this to PETA!

    Mmm… Bacon wrapped cat…

  61. I love cats and I love bacon. Since you used transparent tape (I hope that is not packing tape) I don’t see the harm. Now, I want to go home and tape a Twinkie to my cat … unfortunatley, I do not think he would stand still. There would be enough vengeance and (my) blood letting from Joe Cat for Ghlaghghee to feel redeemed!

  62. This is too funny! Now I want to tape bacon to the cats I live with. I will have to clear it with 2 roommates first. I will take pictures of the dog eating the bacon off of the cats. The dog will not eat the cats. The dog is afraid of the cats. It will be an interesting experiment to see whether the dog loves bacon more than he fears the cats.

  63. “You People Thought I Was Kidding”

    You -were- kidding. You just decided not to be out done by the people who called you on it. Nothing special there. I mean, well, it is. It’s funny and it’s creative, but it certainly doesn’t prove that you weren’t kidding in the first place. You even explained exactly that in the phone call.

    “The surest way to hit a target is to shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.”

  64. Pixelfish, this is the second internets I’ve handed over today. I hope you don’t mind getting the dumptruck instead of the pipes.

    To the comment above about how Scalzi clearly just did this to get a ‘moment in the sun,’ Scalzi’s moments in the sun are way past cat-baconing.

    For the record, I love that bacon is a verb now.

  65. Hey Scalzi, at 5:30 EST, I see this message:

    Farkers have clicked on the above link 18616 times


    We need to have a bacon panel at WFC now. Mmmmmm….bacon….sxxxcchhhh….


  66. You’re not so great. Cats, tape and bacon are all already existing technologies. All you did was assemble them. You’re not so great

  67. You do realize raw pork products are terrible for cats… Don’t you? That’s for the same reasons you’re not supposed to eat them or handle them without washing your hands afterward.

    Just sayin’.

    Otherwise, I suspect, like others, you had no intention of doing this until your bluff was called. That’s okay. We don’t think less of you for it.

    At least not all…

    Okay, perhaps a few.

    Well, I certainly don’t.

    Um, forget I mentioned it.

  68. All I keep wondering is how you got the bacon to stick to the tape. This image, by the way, made a previously unbearable day so much better.

  69. It wouldn’t have been as funny if you didn’t call “mommy” first. Good job.

    And i would have said the same thing :)

  70. bubbleman:

    You’re not so great. Cats, tape and bacon are all already existing technologies. All you did was assemble them. You’re not so great

    Many of the world’s most inspired ideas and art used pre-existing technologies: the Mona Lisa, sliced bread, all-in-one shampoo and conditioner.

    It’s the ability to pluck such pre-existing technologies and assemble them in a wholly unexpected, yet truly inspired, manner that sets the mere mortal (such as myself) from a true genius (M. Scalzi).

    Dear John, I would doff my hat to your genius, had I a hat to doff. I thought I was a master of procrastination, as I do it so well. But next to you, I am a mere orange pip.

  71. Ha ha ha ha! I think I found a way to rid myself of smelly cat oders….BACON!

    Crud, now I am hungry…but am I caraving bacon or Chinese from around the corner?

    Ok, I just shuddered at that thought, LOL!

  72. Inspired by Scalzi’s tour de force, I decided Widget would look good with a salami yarmulke. The result of this is that I got an out of focus picture of Widget’s ass doing Mach 7 into the Delta Quadrant (i.e. under the bed).

    Now, I’ve got a deli-cat who won’t come out and a girlfriend who’ll be home any minute, and, no, I didn’t call her for permission first, so I’m in deep doo-doo.


    P.S. Before you tell me I can’t cast the blame on you:

    1. I want to. It’s more fun that way.
    2. The GF won’t buy it either.

  73. Your bacon is famous. Therefore:
    You can now sell that bacon on Ebay, or Craigslist.
    For LOTS of money.
    You can post the cat for free, but I think you can’t sell the little dear. Plus, I bet Krissy would be angry if you did.
    Better ask her permission.

  74. OK, if this is silly, go read this:

    It’s a transcript of an old IRC chat about someone trying to get a cat, just back from the vet, to be accepted by another cat… by buttering it.

    Don’t drink milk before reading unless you like it coming out your nose.

    Some language NSFW – nothing dirty, just harsh.

  75. to begin…yes, I came here by farking….

    I am totally amused by the bacon cat pic…I have two cats, and seriously, one is so lethargic, if I taped bacon on her – she’d just look at me…the other one would be running around in circles trying to get the bacon off…I’ve actually seen her chase her tail. She worries me.

    how bored do you have to be to tape bacon to your cat?

  76. I am impressed. You taped the bacon exactly where I would have taped it. It’s perfect. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

  77. I just checked the patent office site and you do know that Microsoft has a patent on taped bacon 99898274982, also one on bacon on cats 99898274983. These are not listed as any of the patents they will not be enforcing so therefore you should expect to be served with a Cease and Desist Notice order.

  78. I can’t say if I know your wife, or if I know you.

    I totaly know the kinda of process that leads to thinking, “You know what? I’m gonna tape bacon to the tip of my dogs tail” I KNOW that guy, I AM that guy!

    I also know the women who go “WHY ON EARTH are you gonna dick with your dog like that? Thats cruel!”

    To which my basic response would be, “Well, he’s gonna get a PIECE of bacon after he entertains me, so it’s cool”

    Of course, the following arguments are based on editing, a beautiful thing editing is.

  79. I’m now in a great deal of trouble in this campus computer lab for loud, blatant and conspicuous snickering (cue certain Hanna-Barbera cartoon dogs).

  80. I’m now in a great deal of trouble in this campus computer lab for loud, blatant and conspicuous snickering (cue certain Hanna-Barbera cartoon dogs).

  81. Harry Connelly: See, now the cat absolutely needs to be vacuumed!

    Teresa Nielsen Hayden: How did you get tape to stick to such a well-waxed cat?

    You both made me laugh out loud, thank you very much.

    John, how did the cat react to having the tape pulled *off*?

  82. Bacon on a cat is alright, but pedestrian.

    For maximum effect, you really need a few pinches of Nature’s Seasons, followed by ten to fifteen minutes sauteeing with olive oil in a frying pan at light heat. Garnish liberally with oregano, and add minced onions.

    Best served with a red wine and a delicately boiled side of carrots. You can definitely impress that important client or that romantic interest with a meal like this!

  83. It is just cruel to put tape on a cat. You could have just placed the bacon on the cat’s back and got a good shot.

    You should tape some bacon onto your own hairy bits and pull it off after a pic.

    Don’t torture your pets! You’re grounded.

  84. Kate Nepveu:

    “John, how did the cat react to having the tape pulled *off*?”

    Not at all, actually. The tape was only very lightly attached; frankly, I was astounded it held at all when the cat sat up.


    Attention where?

    Also, I redacted the whois information you posted. Try not to be a dick, hey?

  85. amateur:
    What an ATTENTION WHERE ! People like you are what is wrong with America.

    I dunno… I think bacon could very well be our last line of defense in the “War on Terror.”

  86. Mystery solved. There are no secrets on the intertube. From Craigslists (Ohio town not named for perhaps obvious reasons)

    Single Hot Feline seeks Snarky Dom for afternoon adventure. Into Bacon. Crispy or Raw, you pick. Will consider kitty porn for right respondent. Must have own tiara. No freaks or bloggers (I don’t want this on the internet).

    Coincidence? I don’t think so.

  87. Huh. The cat seems to be fine with it, so what’s the problem? And shame on the people who thought you wouldn’t do it! If you say you’re going to do something, it’s in your best interest to follow through on it, after all.

  88. I can’t believe the thread got this long without filk. Fortunately, I can put an end to that! ::Cue the Fantasticks::

    Why did the man put pork on the cat?
    What kind of man puts pork on the cat?
    What makes a man do something like that?
    He did it instead of work!

  89. You know, thanks to your inspiration, I’m now in trouble with my wife. The Czarina didn’t have problems with my coating the resident reptile, the World’s Meanest Box Turtle, with peanut butter, but when I told her it was zimmerit, she just lost it. The turtle’s mean, but not that mean.

  90. I love the pictures! But kitty will get you in your sleep some day. Won’t you, kitty? (Mrrrr!)

    I should try that with my cat. He’s three. Or would he destroy me immediately, then be eaten along with the bacon by his overly aggressive brother? Better not risk it.

  91. Mycroft Holmes would say this is a “funny once.” Problem is, it was change-your-pants funny.

    Won’t the bacon go rancid in time?

  92. Well, it’s not still on the cat. It was removed after its comedic potential was fully exploited.

  93. Ah, that’s right, prompt bacon-kitty separation was mandated by Krissy.

    I personally am making kitten fridge magnets right now, so their bacon will stay fresh longer.

  94. Nice. Cats always know you love them when you put stuff on them and take pictures… although, the cat’s probably plotting revenge.

    My cats tend to flip me off (very careful ‘cleaning’ of the front middle toe on one paw) when we did stuff somewhat similar (never did meat though, plenty of boxes).

  95. Terry: how bored do you have to be to tape bacon on your cat?

    John’s Mom – my son is NEVER bored. Creativity is his LIFE, quit pickin on him! Remember this: Moms don’t like it when you criticize their children . . .

    John, do you think this will traumatize my granddaughter? ::Thinking it over:: Nah, she will probably traumatize you for putting tape on her kitty.

    Love you, son.

  96. Anonymous:

    “So when do we see pics of Krissy with bacon taped to her?”

    Don’t get your hopes up, you dirty, dirty person, you.

    Re: stuffonmycat — I don’t know that taping something onto a cat fits with their ethos. Mostly the stuff on those cats is just placed there. Now, if there was then we could talk.

  97. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. So this is why almost everyone hates you Americans. How could you do that to your cat? Your mother must be a twisted bitch to be proud of you.

  98. Clearly, I did it to annoy the rest of the world with my American freedom to tape breakfast meat to my cat. Because if I can’t, then the terrorists will have won.

  99. Agrees:

    Well yes. This is why it’s been linked to everywhere on teh internets. If it were normal behavior, no one would note it.

    Anyway, the cat is fine. The tape barely adhered to her fur and came off incredibly easily. If you think I’d hurt my cat, you’re silly. I love my cat, and also, cats are active at night, and I’m not.

  100. It is clear some people are really upset about this. Why I am not a 100% sure, it is just bacon and tape on a cat.

    The real question here is “Why are we all so perplexed to look at it then to actually post a message about it?”

  101. A true patriot. Apologies to your mom – but she spelled my name wrong – so isn’t THAT the greater insult?

  102. I really do not understand this. Bacon on a cat? What does it mean? I have put things on things before myself, but always with a purpose. I put ham on eggs. I put a condom on…you know – but only when enjoying the company of strangers, never with family. I put dressing on salad. What does bacon on cat mean?

  103. Drew from Zhrodague–

    >My goodness, I wasn’t aware that you could tape a piece of bacon to a cat. Maybe I should have gone to college.

    No, no! To learn to compose these Scalzoid images, you must go to collage.

  104. So we now have the complete list of “things that Scalzis will do to you if you tick them off”.

    Athena: cause an Elder God to eat you
    Krissy: introduce you to a baseball bat
    John: tape bacon to your cat

    Wait…we don’t know what Ghlaghghee’s answer is.


    I’m sure John will let us know as soon as he finds out….

  105. What does bacon on cat mean?

    It means Scalzi noticed a new job vacancy over at the Animal Planet channel.

    What? Too soon?

  106. *peers in thread*

    Everyone alright? Everyone OK? Survived the farking ok?

    *kicks dead trolls out of the way*

    John? Are you still here?

    I like your style and sense of humor man. Let me know if you ever want to collaborate. And good job with the cat.

  107. You didn’t so much tape bacon to a cat as you attached a cat to bacon IMHO OMG.

    put both in pan.

  108. I think it’s the fact that you put it on your to-do list that makes it. If this was just some kind of stoner “wouldn’t it be cool if” then it’d be simply silly.


  109. Can I just say one thing to the people who think that taping bacon to a cat is cruel treatment?

    I’m a long-time vegetarian and for many years I was an ethical vegan. I don’t wear leather. I try to make sure that all of my food and consumer products are as cruelty-free as possible. I’m as close to a commie pinko tree-hugging hippy freak as you can get without living in a commune and changing my name to Moonblossom.

    I think those photos are fucking funny. It’s obvious that Ghlaghghee is merely annoyed, and not even that annoyed. It’s equally obvious that the scotch tape is barely applied.

    Get a freaking life, people.

    Then again, I just did rant against people who are against a picture. Maybe it’s time I took some valerian and got a life myself…

  110. no, but really – pigs are intelligent and interesting animals who are forced to endure horrible cruelties on factory farms so you can humurously “tape” their dead carcasses to your unwitting feline. that piece of bacon was more than likely beaten, forced to live in a stall so tiny it couldn’t turn around comfortably, possibly subjected to cannabalism by other pigs who were driven mad by the poor living conditions, and finally strung by it’s feet, it’s throat slit with a knife caked with blood and allowed to slowly bleed to death – all the while completely aware of it’s own demise.

    your cat’s annoyed for a good reason.

  111. It occurred to me to check whether The Cat Bacon Incident has made it into your Wikipedia entry.

    It has. However, the article is strangely mum on the subject of Athena’s Pluto defense.

  112. At the risk of being called out for breaking the rules of this site (no personal attacks, arguments lacking in facts and logic), I’ve just got to say that, IMHO, Christopher is a Poopie-Head.

  113. Ah, Christopher just wants to remind us meat is murder. And it is. Tasty, tasty murder.

    Anyway, considering Ghlaghghee has disembowled more than her share of rodents, I suspect she would not be notably sympathetic to the plight of the pigs. Funny that carnivores would be that way. What are you gonna do.

  114. Um…That’s just too too good.
    Fave munchie.
    Fave critter.
    And a great new verb, which I now
    need to translate into Finnish.

    You rock, Mr. Scalzi.

  115. haha.

    c’mon kids. it’s all in good fun, really.
    you like taping dead carcasses to your cat;
    i like reminding you where those strips of bacon come from.

  116. They come from tasty, delicious pigs, who are slaughtered so we can enjoy their tasty deliciousness. You know, I think I’ll make it a porklicious day, and have pork with every meal today. Thanks, Christopher, for reminding me where bacon comes from! The idea of eating pork with every meal today wouldn’t have come to me otherwise.

  117. I deliver unto thee, tasty, tasty murderous bacon.
    Thou shalt consume and tape to thy satisfaction.
    Dead trolls smell good on the bbq, but when it comes time for eatin’, the meat is tough, stringy and gamey.Better off to bacon thyself.

  118. Wow, you’re what I’d call a very sick man! And a hilarious one too, just my kind of very sick man! I love it!
    (and Ghlaghghee is such a gorgeous cat!)

    Though totally out of subject, Christopher is right about one thing, the conditions in which pigs are bred is a mere scandal. Not that I oppose killing them; I don’t mind pigs getting killed for their meat and I like bacon, but I disagree with letting them live a miserable life of endless suffering and denying them the satisfaction of their most basical needs. Anyway, that’s totally irrelevant here.

  119. I think the pig’s quality of life would have been much improved if it had only known that eventually a small strip of its flesh would be taped to a cat. If I were in the same situation as the pig, it would improve my mood enormously.

  120. Waste of bacon? How so? Some fur and a little tape residue. What cat doesn’t already have that in their house?

    It all comes out in the frying pan.

  121. I read dj BC’s (of GYBO fame?) comment about the dutch proverb, which is actually a quite old (and rather disused) one. There is one that is quite similar, and more known: “De kat op het spek binden“. Literaly: “(You shouldn’t) tie a cat to the bacon”, which means that you shouldn’t present opportunities for mischief to those who are susceptible to it.

    Coincidence? Or the effect of the 100th monkey? Puede ser, amigo, puede ser.

  122. My husband manages a confinement hog unit. Did you know that hogs are cannibals? Well, I guess the definition of a cannibal would be a human eating human flesh but in the case of pigs, its “pigs eat pigs.” If you turn hogs into a group setting, it can easily become a bloody massacre. You ought to watch the boars get out of their pens; it makes “Blackhawk Down” seem like Barney the Dinosaur. They’re nasty. The little pens let them live comfortable lives, albeit a little squished. After all, they’re just going to turn into bacon. And then once they’re bacon, they might just end up on a cat. I heard someone did that once.

  123. I think I love you. And Krissy for her (apparently)endless patience and love for you. And Ghlaghghee (want to know about that name)for putting up with you as well.

    As for your detractors (especially the mental defects who feel that this is why people don’t like Americans or that this is what’s wrong with American society—If more of us were like this, our society would be much better off because it’s actually people like you halfwits who have NO sense of humour that make other countries hate us.

    My cat would kill me, but I think you’re genius. And I have no idea what FARK is, I didn’t find this that way. :)

  124. The madness spreads!

    I found this because Kaja Foglio put taping bacon to her cat on her to-do list (along with a link to here).

    Fortunately I keep kosher and don’t have a cat, so I am doubly protected from adding this to my to-do list!

    Have you now started a nationwide fad? :D

  125. Have you no respect for pork products?!? This is obvious blatant disregard for the king of the salty seared meats! This is more disrespectful than the meat hats! (
    I hope you at least gave the bacon to the dog afterwards.

  126. My understanding is that pork’s not considered a good meat for pets, although I’m not sure what the reasoning is there. I threw the bacon away in any event.

  127. Wow…I got here from, I suspect I’m one of masses…what a great concept. You give me crazy, bacony thoughts now when I see my cats. HOw I love the internet and it’s endless amusing pictures and people :)

  128. John Scalzi
    Well, it’s not still on the cat. It was removed after its comedic potential was fully exploited.

    Exactly how many days did it take to do that?

    Also I thought of something? Cats tend to bring home dead squirrels, dead rats, dead mice to please their owners. I’m wondering if you weren’t engaging in some bizarre method of reducing your breakfast budget by training your cat to go out, kill pigs, and drag that dead pig home for your own personal use.

    were you “hawking” or “hunting” with your cat? is that what you were trying to do? Did you think that cat could drag home a whole pig? or kill a pig in the first place?

    Devious devious man you are.

  129. Uncooked pork products for pets are bad for the same reason they’re bad for people. Trichonosis.

    To avoid this, you can use this
    or you can use these.

  130. i feel sick – i just had bacon and tomatoes for dinner, pussy watched a little way away wanting some, was so good not to be a PIG (he he), extending little paw evey now and then as a show of interest, i ate TOOOOO much, he has gone outside and i am left reading other’s hilarious comments – this is my first time here – i just asked of the net ‘is bacon ok for cats?’, not so ok with blackjosie

  131. Now you have to tape buttered toast (butter side up) to the cat’s back, and drop the cat on the floor.

    The cat/toast should stop just short of touching the floor, and begin to spin wildly, as the cat tries to land feet first, and the buttered toast tries to land butter side down. If you taped a magnet to each side of the cat, and put coils on each side of the spinning cat, you could then extract power from this cat-toast paradox.

  132. hey you are stupid to do that to the cat and for the record you sure didnt give her a treat i was there when you did it.

  133. Because the Muslim would probably then kick my ass — and would not be entirely wrong to do so.

  134. That’s funny, cause about 2 years ago I made a joke on my blog about going out at 2 in the morning to get bacon (walking a 1/2 mile to Kroger cause I had no car) and then I did it and posted the receipt lol.

  135. Um, hi, I’m an old friend of one of your commentators. Commenters? Common Taters? Right, anyhoo. Any chance I can get an hi-rez version of cattapebacon3.jpg for to make a desktop? Really, it’s abeautiful thing. A strange request to be sure, but all you other contributors seem to be of a similar ilk.


  136. Who the hell would spam like that? That is sick and wrong.

    By the way, these are hilarious. I can just sense the poor cat plotting its revenge.

  137. This is my first time here, but I must applaud you. For your ingenuity (bacon on a cat, brilliant), your patience with knuckleheads who think that it is wrong and cruel (the cat was obviously not being harmed), and your guts (my cat would have shredded me when she heard the tape, but my husband’s sense of humour is much like yours so she is always wary).

    You are very, very, brave.

  138. I’m still stuck on “your cat didn’t try to eat the bacon?” Hrmmm. Clearly, that annoyed look afterward is the feline version of “and how am I going to explain this to the Rabbi?”

    You are so clearly avoiding a deadline, man.

  139. Brilliant! The cat looks amazingly calm (and not even hungry). My dilemma: I have three cats. Do I tape a piece of bacon to each? No, once one of them saw what I was doing, another one would surely insist on sausage. Perhaps THREE pieces of bacon on just one cat? No, he’d feel singled out, his self esteem would be wrecked, and he’d probably start binging and purging. You know, you had a great idea, but the least you could do is provide some guidance. Thanks.

    P.S. Maxiecat, Kookla-Burra, and Mr. Chippy (the cats) eagerly await your response.

  140. Hmmm, my cats adore bacon, but only when I’m eating it and they don’t have it taped to them.

    Your cat looks very nonplussed to have bacon taped to it…LOL!

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  142. Taping bacon to the cat today but what are you taping to the pig tomorrow? If this is on your to do list, what number was it and what else did you do for excitement

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  146. Now I see the cat in question…and the thought that was haunting me since Borderlands…was the bacon cooked or not when you placed it on the cat…has now been answered.

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  155. Man, I love bacon. I tell you, I really like pussy cats, too.
    That’s not a pussy that I’d eat, though.

    I hope that this isn’t supposed to be G-rated.

    errrrrr, Liam, this is a blog with a fellow taping bacon to the cat, that my friend is NOT! G-rated in any universe. It invites that kind of comment, in fact it trolls for it. Shit, PETA is gonna be all over this place any second now.

  156. I just noticed, this was posted on my birthday haha.
    Anywho, this pretty hilarious. You my friend, have raised random to a new bar.

  157. The thing I want to know is how long our cat has been moonlighting at your house. Seriously, one of our cats looks exactly like yours:

    Part Siamese, part Persian IIRC – yours the same mix of breeds?

  158. It’s amazing how many unfunny comments there are on here. It’s like people here “pork” and “pussy” and think they’re the first person ever to make a sex pun off of that.

    The unfunniness of the comments is in inverse proportion to the awesomeness of this idea.

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  161. Was this one of them “look up two random words in the dictionary and combine them” creative exercises? Awesome.

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  166. i think your fucking brilliant. loves it…. when i get a kitty i wanna tape stuff to her for fun. i usually just draw on my friends white dog.. i’m not allowed markers over there now.. :(

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  170. what a boring photoshop. and in an article with the sole purpose of saying ‘oh yeah, i really did it!!’–doubly bad.

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  176. I have just watche the youtube of you and wil wheaton at phoenix comicon, and I have to say, this is the greatest idea to explode the internet since the guy who first cried Y2K. also, good work on SG-U the show is coming along nicely.

  177. Ghlaghghee’s daytimer is much more exciting than my cat’s daytimer, which only has sleep, eat, and stand in front of the computer monitor on it, ad infinitum.

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  182. How did you ever get your cat to stay that still? I have two cats and have tried to get the bacon on both of them. The first time, one of them took a little ninja like cat swipe at the bacon and took off with it. The second time the cat took off so quickly that the tape came straight off and the other one then made up with the piece of bacon. I am running out of bacon quickly here…:)

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  187. phew!!!, for a moment there I thought it was actual flesh hanging out of the cat at a quick glance, yah I know it’s kinda gory but thank goodness it’s not

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  194. Kathleen Sky told me that there’s one way to test if you have real cat or an alien in a cat suit. Wrap a scarf around the cat’s middle. An alien in a cat suit will just wear it. A real cat will just look at you with contempt and remove the scarf, sometimes with extreme prejudice to the scarf.

    You apparently found another test.

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