One Man’s Agenda

Things to do today:

1. Try to answer all my damn e-mail, some of which actually is from people who have sent/are sending/will send me money, and thus should have some priority.

2. Resend the author interview questions from two weeks ago to Jo Walton, because continuing not to do so is a further testament of how much I totally suck.

3. Make minor amends to Jo Walton by noting to you all how much her latest book Farthing well and truly rocks: It’s the best alternate-history parlor murder mystery you will read in this year, an enjoyably chewy fun read with a hard, frightening and all-too-close-to-reality core. Damn well deserves to be nominated for something.

4. Also note that The Last Days, Scott Westerfeld’s latest foray into the vampire teenage wastelands, has been out for a week and that I suck for not pimping it earlier. Get it for the alienated teenagers you know, including the one which resides in your soul. Yes, I know you’ve got one in there. I sense it sneering at me even now.

5. Fight crime.

6. Enjoy some cheese.

7. Actually take a look at my trip itinerary for Denver, since I do believe I’m expected to do things other than fight crime and enjoy cheese while I’m there.

8. Shower. I’ve cultivated my manly author stench long enough.

9. Tape bacon to the cat.

10. Maybe write some of the book.

If you have any other ideas as to what I might choose to do with the day, I’m open to suggestion.

53 Comments on “One Man’s Agenda”

  1. Tape won’t stick to bacon…

    Staples are right out…

    I’m gonna suggest some sort of binary epoxy here…

  2. oh, YES! Dogs love it when you attach bacon to the cat!! — however you do it!!! Cheese, too!!!!
    signed, Olivia, Jeff’s dog
    [“Olivia? Are you on the computer again?”]
    Gotta go!

  3. If you do decide to use cooked bacon, make sure you do it in this order:
    1) Cook the bacon
    2) tape it to the cat

    And not the other way around…

  4. You plan to tape bacon to the cat, and you still think you’ll have the time to do 9 other things? Man, when I start taping bacon to the cat, that just swallows up the whole day.


  5. I’m not gonna ask about the bacon. SOunds creepy.

    Fight grime, you say?

    I’m gonna say throw some writing of TLC in there, bucko. I’m getting bored with my sudoku books.

  6. Or you could fight the crime of taping bacon to cats before frying said bacon while eating cheese with Jo Walton (why crime is going on around Jo Walton, I don’t know, but there it is) wielding presigned copies of Scott Westerfield’s new book.

    Mmmm, cheesy crime fighting.

    I tried to fit in the Denver thing, but thought would have required one more rewrite.

    And yes, please shower.

  7. Scalzi, is taping bacon to the cat the new cat waxing? Man, I never get the memoes on these things. Worse, I just bought a new can of Cat Wax…

    Dr. Phil

    PS- does it count that we used to have a cat who loved Planter’s Cheese Balls? She’d roll them around in her mouth, then put them back. You wouldn’t realize at a party that she’d struck again, until you reached for a couple of Cheese Balls… and they were soggy. (grin)

  8. We have smarty cheese here, Chang. Something to do with the cows and the Amish genetic labratory down in Middlefield. I don’t understand the full implications or ramifications of it all but it’s slightly better than jack-pepper and less than mustard cheese and you occationally get cows that have attained full enlightenment leviating over the highways. It can distract the deer from their intense study of headlight technology, which, as we know, only leads to heart-ache.

  9. BTW, do shower; we can smell that manly author stench down here in Cincinnati. I can only imagine how it must smell in Piqua. Not piquant, I suspect.

  10. 5a Incorporate the Campbell award in your superhero costume. I’m sure it’s good for at least a +1 to armor class, +3 vs critics.

  11. I was going to suggest taping catnip to the dog, but I suppose tuna works well too, although somewhat more fragrent.

  12. I’m pretty sure that the mandatory sentence for cat-bacon-taping is thirty days hard labor at the SPCA, bathing all the stray cats. Furthermore, they don’t issue the kind of protective hockey goalie gear that you need to do the job in the first place.

  13. OK, I just grossed myself out thinking about what I was going to add to this thread. You’ll just have to imagine.

  14. Who is this “crime” that all the superheroes (and Scalzi) keep fighting? Why doesn’t he/she have his/her own comic book? Why doesn’t Scalzi have his own comic book? How am I supposed to keep up?

  15. Or my favorite time waster, I mean the reason why I don’t get more writing done, I mean the most joyful activity I can think of… :)

    Pay attention to the wife.

    It pays in dividends.

  16. Steve said:I can’t type today. Sorry.

    Who cares about your typing? ROFL

    John: I thought your family’s division of tasks was that Krissy fought crime between making gourmet feasts.

  17. I am a bit disappointed with the taped bacon…I envisioned it being taped to its feet for some reason, sort of like bacon-skis on an enraged feline snowmobile.

  18. Quote: “If you have any other ideas as to what I might choose to do with the day, I’m open to suggestion.”

    Well, if you really don’t know what to do with it, you could auction it on eBay. I’m always hearing people say that they could use an extra day in their week to get everything done; I’ll bet you could get a lot of money for the day if you sell it off to the highest bidder.

  19. “5. Fight crime.

    6. Enjoy some cheese.”

    Theoretical questions:
    1) Can you do both: that is, fight crime while enjoying some cheese?

    2) Assuming you can, what are the best cheeses to enjoy while fighting crime? Off the top of my head, I’m dubious of Swiss (the whole neutrality thing), and think havarti would be interesting to try (it sort of sounds like a comic book sound effect: “Biff!” “Pow!” “Blam!” “Socko!” “Havarti!”).

  20. Dwight, I think if John can take the “fragrance”, limburger would be best, as it would disable all criminals within five mile radius.

    Goat cheese would also be good, but I despise goat cheese (it’s what I imagine sweaty gym socks might taste like), so I would just throw it at criminals, as opposed to eating it.

  21. I never quite got the gym-socks comparison with Limburger. To me it smells like a an old vinyl watchband. Perhaps if I spent more time in gymsocks rather then with digital watches, the reference would work better for me.

  22. Listen, mister: anyone can tape pork products to a cat–in fact, I’m quite sure it’s been done at You had fighting crime on your list. Did you accomplish this task?

    …more importantly, were you wearing tights and a cape at the time?

  23. Ginny:

    “I’m quite sure it’s been done at”

    I don’t think it has, actually. I searched that site. No bacon on cats.

    I may have achieved an Internet first. Which is frightening in itself.

  24. HAHAHA, i came accross this site from a link. This is easily some of the funniest stuff ive seen. Also, it was the highlight of my work day. Bacon on cats, thats INSANE!! I linked it to EVERYONE i know. HAHA

  25. After the first third of the book, I emailed Jo Walton to tell her how perfectly right she’d gotten some things about being Jewish and intermarried.

    I don’t usually do that (fangirl emails, I mean).

  26. Yes, since commenting I’ve realized that you indeed are the first person in internet history to tape bacon to your cat. This puts you right up there with whoever first throught to put pancakes on their bunny.

    I’ve been trying to find my own way to achieve Internet Greatness today using my Yorkshire Terrier. At first I thought perhaps I could find a larger dog to tape him to, but this will not do–I need breakfast food.

    My options so far:

    Stud his face with Cap’n Crunch
    Tape sausage links to his ears
    Place a fried egg on his head
    Make a Ceerios necklace.

    I approached him with these various implements of destruction, but as you can see he wasn’t interested.

    If he doesn’t smarten up and take one for the team I’m duct-taping him to a rottweiler, I swear.

  27. Now, I’m sure that taping bacon to your cat is a crime somewhere. So if you taped Bacon to the cat and then called the police and reported yourself, you’d knock out two items at once! If you then showered to get the fur & bacon grease off, that’s 3….

  28. What’s next, taping the same piece of bacon to three cats at once? Maybe making bacon- armor for the cat, complete with the viking hat!

    I{ IVI

  29. Thanks very much for recommending Jo Walton’s book. I knew I would like it from her intro acknowledging Josephine Tey, Dorothy Sayers and Peter Dickinson as influences. It is beautifully written, engrossing and powerful.


  30. Q, Bacon can be stapled to cats just fine. You just have to make sure you just pull together some fur and staple it to that. This of course works best with uncooked bacon. Use lots of staples. Be carefull not to staple directly to the skin of the cat as they hate that and it could result in injury to yourself. It also causes the cat to be increasingly slippery thus making it more difficult to place enough staples.

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