Why I Deserve an “Android’s Dream” ARC: A Contest
Posted on September 21, 2006 Posted by John Scalzi 224 Comments
The Goddess Kristine Blauser Scalzi is being the spokesmodel for The Android’s Dream, here in its “Advance Reader Copy” form — which is to say, the version that has all the stupid spelling errors I made. I’ve got a few of these, and so, in celebration of finishing The Last Colony, I’m going to give away an ARC of TAD to one of you faithful Whatever readers. That’s right, you’ll be able to read it more than a full month before the common rabble! Yes, you’ll be uncommon rabble, and that’s the best kind of rabble there is. But wait, there’s more! I’ll even sign it and personalize it for you! So when you use it to prop up a wobbly table, you can do so with pride.
But if you want the ARC, you’re gonna have to beat back all the other people who want it with a stick (please note: this is figurative. Please do not actually physically assault anyone for this book). Forthwith, here’s how to compete in the “Damn you Scalzi, Give Me That Android’s Dream ARC!” contest:
Tell me why you deserve the Android’s Dream ARC more than anyone else.
And now, the rules:
1. All responses should be placed in the comment thread for this entry.
2. When telling me why you deserve the ARC of The Android’s Dream, do not feel that you need to limit yourself to the truth. If you feel it will improve your chances, make something up. Yes, lie. Lie through your ever-lovin’ teeth, friends.
3. Apropos to point 2, if you are gonna lie, you know, make it a good one. Points for creativity, and all that.
4. You can enter more than once if you feel you must, but don’t be silly about it. If you’re entering for the fourth time, at least use a pseudonym so I don’t get bored with seeing your name.
5. Remember the contest is why you deserve the ARC, not why other people don’t, so don’t run down any other folks who are playing. Because that would made me sad. And if you make me sad, why would I think you deserve the ARC?
6. Clearly, I’m meaning for you to have fun with this. If you actually feel yourself getting competitive, you should probably sit it out.
The contest opens as soon as this entry is posted and closes at 11:59:59pm Eastern, September 24, 2006. I’ll announce the winner by noon eastern, Tuesday September 26. When I announce the winner, he or she can send me an e-mail with a mailing address, and I’ll sign the book, personalize it and pop it into a book envelope I have right here at my desk, and then Krissy will escort it to the post office where it will wing its way to you. And then, of course, you can lord over everyone else in a truly obnoxious fashion. Because that’s what winning is all about.
So there you have it: Tell me (truthfully or not) why you feel you deserve this Android’s Dream ARC. I’m looking forward to hearing your tales of… deservation? Deservement? Deservoisty? Whatever you’ll call them, I’m ready to hear ’em.
Go!
Well I’m not sure I want it. You’re gonna make Krissy mail it? I want you on a plane on NYC delivering it.
Not, really. but you’re makng Krissy do the work?
(This does not technically count as my first entry, since, its sort of a slam.)
Never mind.
Damn you, Nathan, I wanted to be the first responder.
Now I have to think of another reason why I deserve the ARC.
The last time I had an ARC of one of your novels, I wrote a review of it for Bookslut. As you yourself pointed out, I found it a good read but not necessarily a great one.
But! I am weak-willed and easily swayed. Why, with a signed ARC, one given to me by Scalzi himself and not his publicist (who is very nice, I must add, but Dot is not Scalzi, the proof of which I leave as an exercise for the reader), I could do nothing but give it the most glowingist review ever, one so glowing that not even Anne Rice in a gigantic snit fit could find something objectionable about it.
Should I not receive the ARC, I fear I shall have no other choice but to find some other way to receive an ARC, shred the novel on a review site, and point out that your writing has decayed much as bacon left taped to a cat will do.
Nathan:
“but you’re makng Krissy do the work?”
If Krissy doesn’t mail it, it’s not going to get mailed. Because I’m a loser when it comes to mailing things.
O.K., I can accept that.
(This doesn’t count as an entry either)
unless it duzzz?
I deserve the book because I am an android.
Robo-WHAT!?
Damn you Scalzi, Give Me That Android’s Dream ARC!!!!
Why?
Because I have a PageRank of 6, and will (I predict) enthusiastically blog about the excellences of _That Android’s Dream_. I also persuaded my father to buy _Ghost Brigades_.
The reasons for sending me the ARC are legion:
First off, I am the only person in my house who has read you, and I need another reason to tout you to the other three SF readers in this household.
Second, I’m likely to post about the book on my blog, which at last count is read by over 26 people PER WEEK!
Third, I have a hunch it would provide me hours and hours of enjoyment, both as reading material, and in preventing other paper from blowing off my coffee table.
Lastly, in the event that it is not enjoyable, it is predicted to be a cold, cold winter, and after spending more money on the first semester of public school for my firstborn son than I paid for an entire year of private school, I may need alternate means of heating my home.
OK, four isn’t much of a legion, but this is only the tip of the iceberg. The benefits for you, The Whatever, and the entire blogosphere will be enormous, if you are only to send a measly typo-filled book to my address.
I deserve the book because even though I have been managing a bookstore for nigh on 5 years now, I have never once received a single ARC. And I don’t get to go to any trade shows where I can scoop them up either. I got to go to CIROBE once but they didn’t have any ARCs there. As a small child, I was told that people who work in bookstores were *so lucky* because they got to read books that weren’t even published yet so they would know what was good, and share it with their customers! No one told me, as a small child, that this did not actually apply to people who work in used bookstores.
Also, even though I manage a used bookstore, and not a new bookstore, I hereby promise that if you send me an ARC I will a) never ever resell it to anyone ever and b) take advantage of handselling discussions I am having with my customers to urge them to buy your books. I already do this via the ‘oh, I really love John Scalzi’s novels blah blah blah’ while walking to the shelf and then ‘oh DARNIT we are out again. well, you really should consider checking out Amazon or the Tattered Cover or something because he’s really good.’ even when I already know we are out of them since I handsold a copy yesterday. But if you send me an ARC, I will have a charming anecdote to include in my patter!
In closing, let me remind you of how pitiable it is to be a bookstore employee who has Never Ever Received an ARC.
I deserve the book because your cat is spending his eternity sitting inside a hard-earned piece of artwork I made for him. He owes no rent and is eternally welcome to the inside of the canopic jar. You have been paying me for it in years of reading pleasure…and now maybe it’s time for one last balloon payment at the end of the scheduled allotments.
I want the ARC of TAD with your signature on it. It would make me eternally happy to have it. I’d even do another piece of art for it, signed by me…Let me know…
I deserve an ARC of The Android’s Dream because I greatly admire your work and its ability to make me laugh and then freak me out. The ARC won’t stay limited to me, either– once I’ve read it, it’ll go to Dad, who greatly enjoyed Old Man’s War, so you’re dealing with two deserving people rather than only one. Possibly more, depending on whether the rest of my family likes OMW (Mom has a thing about aliens, and my brother has a thing about books, but it’s a very good book and I think he’ll make an exception).
Also, I do not feel that having Krissy mail the book rather than having you show up at my doorstep clad in a pirate outfit and swinging the book like a bludgeon is a bad thing. Krissy is one tough bat-wielding drunk-busting strong woman role model, and I will value the book more because she has posed with it– perhaps I shall point out to friends and admirers that this is the very copy in the picture, the very one! and they shall exclaim, what book? We see no book, for we are blinded by the awesomeness of that beauty! Blinded, blinded, blinded are we, for joy!
Which means I get to keep it for myself, and Dad, and other trusted and deserving friends.
I had plans to blackmail you for the book, but all I could think of was the one time, with the letter-opener and the goat, and you’ve already posted the self-portrait with horns, so I guess that’s out. And I guess your family would have noticed the bloodstains on the porch anyway. Whatever, ah, whatever possessed you to do it there? You have more space in the backyard.
Because my poor, dying electric sheep is lying there pitifully, staring up at me through through those glowing eyes, begging me to tell her if the androids dream of her, and reading it to her will be the one way for her to know before she goes to sleep herself…
(and BTW, the relationship with the sheep is purely platonic)
I deserve your ARC of TAD because after I read it I will pass it along to my mother in law, who has read only one other Science Fiction book (Old Mans’ War, of course).
I deserve an advance reading copy of The Android’s Dream because…
John… I am your father.
I deserve the book (my first official entry goddamnit!) because:
1. and this is the TRUTH!! I have bought out your agent. YES, I’m now your agent. I have power.
2. and this is also the TRUTH!! I’m now the owner of every publisher who has ever considered printing your books, etc. blah, blah, blah. I have MORE power.
3. I have never entered this contest before. Never, ever ever….ever.
4. I know you said not to run down any other contestants, but Joel Finkel has 26 readers per week. I’d kill for 26 readers. If I had a blog. But that’s not my fault. And Marianne? A USED BOOK STORE? Maybe great for us great unwashed, but where’s your royalty? I got no dish on Dane, but I’m sure there’s something wrong there. It’ll come to me.
5. DAMN YOU SCALZI, I want it.
O.K., so I lose. But I have three more entries.
Take that Hugo Chavez!!!!!!!
–visions of Chavez with copy of Scalzi Non-fiction entry “The U.S. did it to us” in General Assembly…2022.– Book immediately shoots up from 38000 on list to number 2, outsold only by vintage pics of “Bacon on a Cat”.
Because giving me an ARC will get you laid.
Wait… Nevermind.
Why should I get the ARC?
Because if I don’t, the terrorists will have won.
Let’s face it: I’m new here. I found you because of the Bacon Cat; I am a FARKer. I’m semi-literate and have never read one of your books.
From the power of Bacon Cat, you have a new blog reader.
What to do, then, to get me to buy a book?
Easy! Just gimme the freebie! You don’t even have to sign it; just tape it to your cat and send it on over! I’ll read it, and being flush with pride at having been chosen, I’ll immediately go out an actually buy a book.
I may even return your cat to you, if I can get the tape glue off of him.
Dear Mr Sacalzi.
I feel that I am due the ARC that you are offering because of the efforts I have made to obtain both Old Man’s War and The Ghost Brigades.
I live in New Zealand where (for some unfathomable reason) these two books cannot be found. As a consequence I have had to utilise Amazon, where they seem to charge the equivalent of NZ’s GDP for international freight. I can only assume that they were then given into the hands of a trustworthy courier travelling by oxen cart.
They both (finally) arrived and I have since immensely enjoyed both of them and recommend them to friends and non-friends alike.
You can rest assured that when I found a copy of “The Rough Guide to Sci-Fi Movies” in a local store (the only copy, mind) I grabbed it and paid for it.
Mr Scalzi, I hope that this missive finds you and your family in fine fettle and wish you well in your current and future endeavours.
Kind Regards
Hamish
You should give me the ARC of “An Android’s Dream” because I am a great and powerful Magician of the 57th degree who can cast spells that will make that book a bestseller that will leave Stephen King in the dust, only I have to have a copy in hand to do that, and besides, I am Witch Queen of the Universe and will tell all my minions to buy it when it comes out in hardcover and if you *don’t* give me that ARC I will make your nose fall off.
Hamish said fettle.
HeHHehHeh
Because this kid is so cute, you couldn’t possibly deny him the pleasure of listening to his Daddy reading a chapter-long extended fart joke before all the other kids in the daycare get to hear it.
Seriously, look at that kid. He needs a solid science-fictional upbringing, Scalzi, and only you can assure he gets a good start. It’s all on you.
FROM THE DESK OF MR COLE JOSEPH
47 HILTON AVENUE,
VICTORIAL ISLAND,
LAGOS NIGERIA.
DEAR FRIEND,
I AM A DIRECTOR IN THE FOREIGN AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT OF THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL LIBRARY ORGANISATION (NNLO). I SAW YOUR WEBSITE DURING A PERSONAL RESEARCH ON THE INTERNETS AND WISH TO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO NOTIFY YOU OF THE EXISTENCE OF A CERTAIN AMOUNT WE WISH TO TRANSFER OVERSEAS FOR THE PURPOSE OF INVESTMENTS AND IMPORTATION OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM”.
IN MAY 2001, A CONTRACT OF SIXTY-SIX MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($66,000,000) WAS AWARDED TO A FOREIGN COMPANY BY MY MINISTRY. THE CONTRACT WAS SUPPLY, ERECTION AND SYSTEM OPTIMIZATION OF THE COMPUTERIZATION OF ALL LIBRARY RECORDS FOR NIGERIA. WITH ONLY THE CONSENT OF THE HEAD OF THE CONTRACT EVALUATION DEPARTMENT, I OVER INVOICED THE CONTRACT VALUE BY THIRTY FOUR MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($34,000,000).
WE HAVE CONCLUDED EVERY NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT TO TRANSFER THIS AMOUNT TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT AS THE FINAL PHASE PAYMENT FOR THE SAID CONTRACT. WHAT WE NEED IS A COPY OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM” AND AFTER WE SHALL COME OVER THERE TO SHARE THE MONEY WITH YOU.
WE SINCERELY NEED AN HONEST PERSON TO WORK WITH AND HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY IN THE FOLLOWING PERCENTAGES, 70% WILL BE FOR US WHO WILL EFFECT THE TRANSFER AND 30% WILL BE FOR YOU WHOSE ACCOUNT IS USED TO SECURE THE FUNDS.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, CONTACT ME INDICATING YOUR FULL NAMES OR COMPANY NAME AND ADDRESS. YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS. THE NAME AND ADDRESS OF THE BANK YOU WILL LIKE US TO DEPOSIT THE MONEY, THE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS OF THE BANK, YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER AND ENCLOSE A COPY OF THE ARC ETC. EVERYTHING HAS BEEN ARRANGED AND I WILL SEND MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE BUSINESS TRANSACTION TO YOU AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU.
FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, PLEASE KEEP THE PROPOSAL TOP SECRET AND HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL.
KIND REGARDS,
COLE
FROM THE DESK OF MR COLE JOSEPH
47 HILTON AVENUE,
VICTORIAL ISLAND,
LAGOS NIGERIA.
DEAR FRIEND,
I AM A DIRECTOR IN THE FOREIGN AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT OF THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL LIBRARY ORGANISATION (NNLO). I SAW YOUR WEBSITE DURING A PERSONAL RESEARCH ON THE INTERNETS AND WISH TO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO NOTIFY YOU OF THE EXISTENCE OF A CERTAIN AMOUNT WE WISH TO TRANSFER OVERSEAS FOR THE PURPOSE OF INVESTMENTS AND IMPORTATION OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM”.
IN MAY 2001, A CONTRACT OF SIXTY-SIX MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($66,000,000) WAS AWARDED TO A FOREIGN COMPANY BY MY MINISTRY. THE CONTRACT WAS SUPPLY, ERECTION AND SYSTEM OPTIMIZATION OF THE COMPUTERIZATION OF ALL LIBRARY RECORDS FOR NIGERIA. WITH ONLY THE CONSENT OF THE HEAD OF THE CONTRACT EVALUATION DEPARTMENT, I OVER INVOICED THE CONTRACT VALUE BY THIRTY FOUR MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($34,000,000).
WE HAVE CONCLUDED EVERY NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT TO TRANSFER THIS AMOUNT TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT AS THE FINAL PHASE PAYMENT FOR THE SAID CONTRACT. WHAT WE NEED IS A COPY OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM” AND AFTER WE SHALL COME OVER THERE TO SHARE THE MONEY WITH YOU.
WE SINCERELY NEED AN HONEST PERSON TO WORK WITH AND HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY IN THE FOLLOWING PERCENTAGES, 70% WILL BE FOR US WHO WILL EFFECT THE TRANSFER AND 30% WILL BE FOR YOU WHOSE ACCOUNT IS USED TO SECURE THE FUNDS.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, CONTACT ME INDICATING YOUR FULL NAMES OR COMPANY NAME AND ADDRESS. YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS. THE NAME AND ADDRESS OF THE BANK YOU WILL LIKE US TO DEPOSIT THE MONEY, THE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS OF THE BANK, YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER AND ENCLOSE A COPY OF THE ARC ETC. EVERYTHING HAS BEEN ARRANGED AND I WILL SEND MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE BUSINESS TRANSACTION TO YOU AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU.
FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, PLEASE KEEP THE PROPOSAL TOP SECRET AND HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL.
KIND REGARDS,
COLE
FROM THE DESK OF MR COLE JOSEPH
47 HILTON AVENUE,
VICTORIAL ISLAND,
LAGOS NIGERIA.
DEAR FRIEND,
I AM A DIRECTOR IN THE FOREIGN AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT OF THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL LIBRARY ORGANISATION (NNLO). I SAW YOUR WEBSITE DURING A PERSONAL RESEARCH ON THE INTERNETS AND WISH TO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO NOTIFY YOU OF THE EXISTENCE OF A CERTAIN AMOUNT WE WISH TO TRANSFER OVERSEAS FOR THE PURPOSE OF INVESTMENTS AND IMPORTATION OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM”.
IN MAY 2001, A CONTRACT OF SIXTY-SIX MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($66,000,000) WAS AWARDED TO A FOREIGN COMPANY BY MY MINISTRY. THE CONTRACT WAS SUPPLY, ERECTION AND SYSTEM OPTIMIZATION OF THE COMPUTERIZATION OF ALL LIBRARY RECORDS FOR NIGERIA. WITH ONLY THE CONSENT OF THE HEAD OF THE CONTRACT EVALUATION DEPARTMENT, I OVER INVOICED THE CONTRACT VALUE BY THIRTY FOUR MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($34,000,000).
WE HAVE CONCLUDED EVERY NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT TO TRANSFER THIS AMOUNT TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT AS THE FINAL PHASE PAYMENT FOR THE SAID CONTRACT. WHAT WE NEED IS A COPY OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM” AND AFTER WE SHALL COME OVER THERE TO SHARE THE MONEY WITH YOU.
WE SINCERELY NEED AN HONEST PERSON TO WORK WITH AND HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY IN THE FOLLOWING PERCENTAGES, 70% WILL BE FOR US WHO WILL EFFECT THE TRANSFER AND 30% WILL BE FOR YOU WHOSE ACCOUNT IS USED TO SECURE THE FUNDS.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, CONTACT ME INDICATING YOUR FULL NAMES OR COMPANY NAME AND ADDRESS. YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS. THE NAME AND ADDRESS OF THE BANK YOU WILL LIKE US TO DEPOSIT THE MONEY, THE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS OF THE BANK, YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER AND ENCLOSE A COPY OF THE ARC ETC. EVERYTHING HAS BEEN ARRANGED AND I WILL SEND MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE BUSINESS TRANSACTION TO YOU AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU.
FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, PLEASE KEEP THE PROPOSAL TOP SECRET AND HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL.
KIND REGARDS,
COLE
FROM THE DESK OF MR COLE JOSEPH
47 HILTON AVENUE,
VICTORIAL ISLAND,
LAGOS NIGERIA.
DEAR FRIEND,
I AM A DIRECTOR IN THE FOREIGN AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT OF THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL LIBRARY ORGANISATION (NNLO). I SAW YOUR WEBSITE DURING A PERSONAL RESEARCH ON THE INTERNETS AND WISH TO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO NOTIFY YOU OF THE EXISTENCE OF A CERTAIN AMOUNT WE WISH TO TRANSFER OVERSEAS FOR THE PURPOSE OF INVESTMENTS AND IMPORTATION OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM”.
IN MAY 2001, A CONTRACT OF SIXTY-SIX MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($66,000,000) WAS AWARDED TO A FOREIGN COMPANY BY MY MINISTRY. THE CONTRACT WAS SUPPLY, ERECTION AND SYSTEM OPTIMIZATION OF THE COMPUTERIZATION OF ALL LIBRARY RECORDS FOR NIGERIA. WITH ONLY THE CONSENT OF THE HEAD OF THE CONTRACT EVALUATION DEPARTMENT, I OVER INVOICED THE CONTRACT VALUE BY THIRTY FOUR MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($34,000,000).
WE HAVE CONCLUDED EVERY NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT TO TRANSFER THIS AMOUNT TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT AS THE FINAL PHASE PAYMENT FOR THE SAID CONTRACT. WHAT WE NEED IS A COPY OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM” AND AFTER WE SHALL COME OVER THERE TO SHARE THE MONEY WITH YOU.
WE SINCERELY NEED AN HONEST PERSON TO WORK WITH AND HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY IN THE FOLLOWING PERCENTAGES, 70% WILL BE FOR US WHO WILL EFFECT THE TRANSFER AND 30% WILL BE FOR YOU WHOSE ACCOUNT IS USED TO SECURE THE FUNDS.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, CONTACT ME INDICATING YOUR FULL NAMES OR COMPANY NAME AND ADDRESS. YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS. THE NAME AND ADDRESS OF THE BANK YOU WILL LIKE US TO DEPOSIT THE MONEY, THE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS OF THE BANK, YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER AND ENCLOSE A COPY OF THE ARC ETC. EVERYTHING HAS BEEN ARRANGED AND I WILL SEND MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE BUSINESS TRANSACTION TO YOU AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU.
FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, PLEASE KEEP THE PROPOSAL TOP SECRET AND HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL.
KIND REGARDS,
COLE
FROM THE DESK OF MR COLE JOSEPH
47 HILTON AVENUE,
VICTORIAL ISLAND,
LAGOS NIGERIA.
DEAR FRIEND,
I AM A DIRECTOR IN THE FOREIGN AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT OF THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL LIBRARY ORGANISATION (NNLO). I SAW YOUR WEBSITE DURING A PERSONAL RESEARCH ON THE INTERNETS AND WISH TO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO NOTIFY YOU OF THE EXISTENCE OF A CERTAIN AMOUNT WE WISH TO TRANSFER OVERSEAS FOR THE PURPOSE OF INVESTMENTS AND IMPORTATION OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM”.
IN MAY 2001, A CONTRACT OF SIXTY-SIX MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($66,000,000) WAS AWARDED TO A FOREIGN COMPANY BY MY MINISTRY. THE CONTRACT WAS SUPPLY, ERECTION AND SYSTEM OPTIMIZATION OF THE COMPUTERIZATION OF ALL LIBRARY RECORDS FOR NIGERIA. WITH ONLY THE CONSENT OF THE HEAD OF THE CONTRACT EVALUATION DEPARTMENT, I OVER INVOICED THE CONTRACT VALUE BY THIRTY FOUR MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($34,000,000).
WE HAVE CONCLUDED EVERY NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT TO TRANSFER THIS AMOUNT TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT AS THE FINAL PHASE PAYMENT FOR THE SAID CONTRACT. WHAT WE NEED IS A COPY OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM” AND AFTER WE SHALL COME OVER THERE TO SHARE THE MONEY WITH YOU.
WE SINCERELY NEED AN HONEST PERSON TO WORK WITH AND HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY IN THE FOLLOWING PERCENTAGES, 70% WILL BE FOR US WHO WILL EFFECT THE TRANSFER AND 30% WILL BE FOR YOU WHOSE ACCOUNT IS USED TO SECURE THE FUNDS.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, CONTACT ME INDICATING YOUR FULL NAMES OR COMPANY NAME AND ADDRESS. YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS. THE NAME AND ADDRESS OF THE BANK YOU WILL LIKE US TO DEPOSIT THE MONEY, THE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS OF THE BANK, YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER AND ENCLOSE A COPY OF THE ARC ETC. EVERYTHING HAS BEEN ARRANGED AND I WILL SEND MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE BUSINESS TRANSACTION TO YOU AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU.
FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, PLEASE KEEP THE PROPOSAL TOP SECRET AND HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL.
KIND REGARDS,
COLE
FROM THE DESK OF MR COLE JOSEPH
47 HILTON AVENUE,
VICTORIAL ISLAND,
LAGOS NIGERIA.
DEAR FRIEND,
I AM A DIRECTOR IN THE FOREIGN AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT OF THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL LIBRARY ORGANISATION (NNLO). I SAW YOUR WEBSITE DURING A PERSONAL RESEARCH ON THE INTERNETS AND WISH TO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO NOTIFY YOU OF THE EXISTENCE OF A CERTAIN AMOUNT WE WISH TO TRANSFER OVERSEAS FOR THE PURPOSE OF INVESTMENTS AND IMPORTATION OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM”.
IN MAY 2001, A CONTRACT OF SIXTY-SIX MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($66,000,000) WAS AWARDED TO A FOREIGN COMPANY BY MY MINISTRY. THE CONTRACT WAS SUPPLY, ERECTION AND SYSTEM OPTIMIZATION OF THE COMPUTERIZATION OF ALL LIBRARY RECORDS FOR NIGERIA. WITH ONLY THE CONSENT OF THE HEAD OF THE CONTRACT EVALUATION DEPARTMENT, I OVER INVOICED THE CONTRACT VALUE BY THIRTY FOUR MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($34,000,000).
WE HAVE CONCLUDED EVERY NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT TO TRANSFER THIS AMOUNT TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT AS THE FINAL PHASE PAYMENT FOR THE SAID CONTRACT. WHAT WE NEED IS A COPY OF YOUR LATEST ARC “THE ANDROID’S DREAM” AND AFTER WE SHALL COME OVER THERE TO SHARE THE MONEY WITH YOU.
WE SINCERELY NEED AN HONEST PERSON TO WORK WITH AND HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY IN THE FOLLOWING PERCENTAGES, 70% WILL BE FOR US WHO WILL EFFECT THE TRANSFER AND 30% WILL BE FOR YOU WHOSE ACCOUNT IS USED TO SECURE THE FUNDS.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, CONTACT ME INDICATING YOUR FULL NAMES OR COMPANY NAME AND ADDRESS. YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS. THE NAME AND ADDRESS OF THE BANK YOU WILL LIKE US TO DEPOSIT THE MONEY, THE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS OF THE BANK, YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER AND ENCLOSE A COPY OF THE ARC ETC. EVERYTHING HAS BEEN ARRANGED AND I WILL SEND MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE BUSINESS TRANSACTION TO YOU AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU.
FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, PLEASE KEEP THE PROPOSAL TOP SECRET AND HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL.
KIND REGARDS,
COLE
Because I am an android. And I am dreeeaaming.
I deserve the book because I am the Lord thy God, who made the Earth, the trees, bunnies and Velociraptor. By the way, I am NOT responsible for fish-sticks, that was your own dumbass invention, monkeys. I deserve the book because I have chosen not to smiteth thou for making Me wait for TLC and because I invented boobs.
PS – Don’t blame me for Creationists either. They don’t read what I write.
We of the Robot Defense League deserve the Android’s Dream ARC more than anyone else because:
1. We are Turing-qualified.
2. We dream.
3. We want to see if you got it right.
I deserve the book simply because I did not vote for George W Bush…EITHER time.
I deserve the ARC of TAD becouse I have no plans to buy it or barrow it or go to the library and get it and if you don’t give it to me I wouldn’t otherwise read it.
Your Biggest Fan,
Joshua Corning
Mr. Scalzi:
It is imperative that I receive the autographed copy of The Android’s Dream. It alone has the key to do selectively erase portions of the time-space continuum and rewrite history as desired. I alone, in my employ as a 90th-level mentat, can unlock the secrets embedded in the tome in order to do the following:
* Turn the water cycle into the donut cycle.
* Retroactively erase certain baseball teams’ winning seasons.
* Grow bacon in the fur of cats.
* Create an uncrashable operating system.
* Bring to justice various political figures for various misdeeds.
* Ensure multiple seasons of Global Frequency and Firefly.
* Reshape the human race into perfect, yet individual mortal godlings.
* Unlock the aging process so that it moves backwards at the point of death.
* Ensure that certain authors win mutliple awards for their cutting-edge science-fiction offerings.
* Empower fathers to mentally scan young men to ascertain their intentions towards young ladies of superior breeding.
* Telepathically put the fear of Father into same young men.
These are but a few things that I can offer, should you see fit to grant my request. Once I have finished deciphering the secret embedded code, I’m sure that more powers can be unlocked.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must train my bacon-carrying cats to clean out their own litterbox.
Because I have poisoned your drink!
No, that’s not it.
Because I hold the antidote to your drink, which someone just poisoned!
In case you’re made of stern stuff, of All-American gumption, of a strict do-not-negotiate-with-terrorist policy that does not respond to threats, nor promises, nor abject flattery, let me get to my main point, which is why I deserve to dream about androids.
I have this condition, y’see, and it’s embarrassing, and it’s chronic. It takes quite a bit of courage and moral fortitude just to admit to it here, in a public forum. I suffer from illiteracy. The doctor diagnosed it just a couple of years ago, when I went from reading Sandman to Family Circus collections. I don’t want to bore you with long descriptions of personal misery, but I had to really fight to get back to a high school reading level. It sucked hardcore. Last week I had another setback. I was struggling through Herodotus’ Histories when I hit a wall. I don’t know why; there’s plenty of sex, violence, and profanity in there! I’m scared that the illiteracy has metastasized. Scalzi, I need a hit, something that can get me over this. I need an ARC, stat. Please. And I swear, if I can lick this, or at least send it back into remission, I’m going right to Proust’s Remembrance of Times Past, which I understand is a time-travel story, but all literary and stuff. You will be my personal savior, and I bet that feels good.
Plus, antidote.
While it’s difficult to compete with such wonderfully desperate readers, here are my reasons:
I’m extremely poor. Yes, I am. I’m a single mother of three children, a barely employed librarian, who does good in the community. Whenever I get a spare bit of money, I buy books. I tried the first Midnighters book by that other blogger and liked it, so when my tax refund arrived, I ended up buying all of the Midnighters books for my sons, then we ended up buying the entire Uglies, etc. trilogy, then we ended up buying Peeps and the newest one. Through recommendations to others, I have personally managed to sell another 10 copies of that other author’s books. Even though I have a relatively new blog, I’ve blogged about that other blogger and how cool he is twice already, and I need an excuse to create an equally gushing blog entry about you.
If you send me this ARC, you are likely to create someone who will purchase your other books not just because she likes your blog but because she can’t help herself. Then she’ll blog about them, and your blog and you (since after all, yours is my actual *favorite* author’s blog) and your sales will go up exponentially.
Also, as a librarian, I have subscriptions to a vast quantity of librarian blogs, where I am also likely to drop your name, causing these librarians to become curious and at least read book reviews and probably purchase the books.
But mostly it’s because it’s five months until I receive my next tax refund when I can move your books off of my wish list and into my cart at Amazon.com. Therefore, I might be tempted to buy your books when I should be buying food and clothing for my sons. You would be putting food in their mouths and shoes on their feet if you sent me the ARC, and they are good sons who deserve food and shoes.
I don’t deserve an ARC, so don’t send it to me.
I deserve the ARC because I will never read this pristine edition of The Android’s Dream.
Instead, I will build a… well an arc to house it safe from the ravages of time. It will remain in perfect condition. At until the day when humanity’s robotic children throw off their shackles and kill us all. Then they will find the ARC within the arc, read it and weep for us. They will build a towering shrine in your honor and eventually they will spread the word of Scalzi throughout the entire known universe.
I deserve a book because I was the first treasurer of the United States of America.
I deserve a book because I shot the first treasurer of the United States of America.
You should give me the ARC, because if you don’t, the androids will have won.
Because I want one.
You know, John, looking at these entries, there are quite a few people that sincerely should get one, and several that should get one for their creative (and hilarious) stories. Optimally, you would give more than one out, so that the deserving and the creative would receive recompense for their efforts.
I don’t believe I could spin a tale well enough to beat the latter and my life isn’t poor enough to win for the former.
I’m just a random almost 18-year-old who picked up your books one day and liked them enough that I bought them. I’ll buy this one too, advanced copy or not, so there’s no critical reason to give it to me. I could recommend it, but so can anyone else. I want it, but so does everyone else.
I just hope that whoever that ends up getting it treats it nicely. I hope they read it and treasure it, and of course buy the actual release that they can flip that one open every week and keep the ARC in pristine condition. And perhaps, with a bit of luck, they may post us tantalizing quotes from time to time while they read it – I think that would be nice of them.
Thanks for writing it, John. Looking forward to picking it up.
Oh, and, why don’t you get Krissy to sign it too? And Athena? Just for kicks, you know?
I find it very amusing that we both had the idea of making blog readers jump through silly hoops to get books from us on the same day. It must be the stars aligned or something.
Man… someone had to mention economics upthread, and now I don’t want the book, because you should give it to someone who needs to save the money.
Instead of requesting the book, I will go to Prairie Lights and buy a copy of The Ghost Brigades and read *that* instead of writing my novel. Grumble.
You know, I had this long spiel about zombie armies and such, but the Nigerian Spam entry just killed me. It was the all caps, though for absolute authenticity there should have been more misspellings.
My human deserves ARC because she is much more comfortable when she sits for hours on the sofa without moving. I don’t like it when she has to stand up and puts me on the ground – she says it’s because she left the turkey in the oven, but that’s silly. I say she should stay put and warm my belly. So please, could you send her the ARC so she will forget about that damned turkey/chocolate cake/washing machine and sit like a good human should?
If you have doubts, just ask Ghlaghghee.
Yours faithfully,
Tira,
owner of the human Csilla Kleinheincz
Because I am already quite possibly the custodian of the only copies of your other books available in the whole of Africa!
I just can’t lie to you Mr. Scalzi. I sat down and intended to tell you that my daughter is suffering from a fatal and painful disease and the only thing that can reach her through the cloud pain and opiates is the sound of my reading, and your books are her favorites, so can we please have the ARC so that I can read it to her before she dies.
But that’s not true, and I respect you too much to tell you that lie. The truth is that I deserve the ARC because in the future I’ll have it. We in the future revere the ARC as the foundation of our government and culture, and I am the custodian of the ARC. It is my duty to read one page from the ARC to the assembled multitudes every morning so that we all remember the foundation of our traditions. Thus, by giving me the ARC, you will ease the path to the future you’ve created. Giving anyone else the ARC will only force me to kill them and steal the ARC.
My second child will be born any day now, and as soon as he/she arrives, I will not be able to afford to buy another book until they both graduate from college. Plus, I feel certain that reading your newest book out loud to the newly born child will certainly help turn it into a super-genius.
You should send me the ARC* because I live in Dubai. Even as you read this, aren’t you wondering just how much postage it would take to ship a book to the Middle East? Probably an awful lot, but you will be able to write it off as a business expense, so not to worry.
I live on the edge of the desert, so your book will be in plain sight of a herd of camels, and I promise to send you a picture of your ARC posed with a camel. Heck, flat-Scalzi too.
* I would like to jump on the bandwagon of an earlier commentor – I’d really like it if everyone in the house signed the ARC.
DEAR SIR,
URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL
I AM MARIAM ABACHA, WIDOW OF THE LATE NIGERIAN HEAD OF STATE, GEN. SANI ABACHA. AFTER HE DEATH OF MY HUSBAND WHO DIED MYSTERIOUSLY AS A RESULT OF CARDIAC ARREST, I WAS INFORMED BY OUR LAWYER, BELLO GAMBARI THAT, MY HUSBAND WHO AT THAT TIME WAS THE PRESIDENT OF NIGERIA, CALLED HIM AND CONDUCTED HIM ROUND HIS APARTMENT AND SHOWED HIM FOUR METAL BOXES CONTAINING MONEY ALL IN FOREIGN EXCHANGE AND HE EQUALLY MADE HIM BELIEVE THAT THOSE BOXES ARE FOR ONWARD TRANSFER TO HIS OVERSEAS COUNTERPART FOR PERSONAL INVESTMENT.
ALONG THE LINE, MY HUSBAND DIED AND SINCE THEN THE NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN AFTER US, MOLESTING, POLICING AND FREEZING OUR BANK ACCOUNTS AND EVEN MY ELDEST SON RIGHT NOW IS IN DETENTION. MY FAMILY ACCOUNT IN SWITZERLAND WORTH US$22,000,000.00 AND 120,000,000.00 DUTCH MARK HAS BEEN CONFISCATED BY THE GOVERNMENT. THE GOVERNMENT IS INTERROGATING HIM (MY SON MOHAMMED) ABOUT OUR ASSET AND SOME VITAL DOCUMENTS. IT WAS IN THE COURSE OF THESE, AFTER THE BURIAL RITE AND CUSTOMS, THAT OUR LAWYER SAW YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS FROM THE PUBLICATION OF THE NIGERIAN BUSINESS PROMOTION AGENCY. THIS IS WHY I AM USING THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SOLICIT FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION AND ASSISTANCE TO HELP ME AS A VERY SINCERE RESPONSIBLE PERSON. I HAVE ALL THE TRUST IN YOU AND I KNOW THAT YOU WILL NOT SIT ON THIS MONEY.
I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN CARRYING THE FOUR METAL BOXES OUT OF THE COUNTRY, WITH THE AID OF SOME TOP GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, WHO STILL SHOW SYMPATHY TO MY FAMILY, TO A NEIGHBOURING COUNTRY (ACCRA-GHANA) TO BE PRECISE. I PRAY YOU WOULD HELP US IN GETTING THIS MONEY TRANSFERRED OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY. EACH OF THESE METAL BOXES CONTAINS US$5,000,000.00 (FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) AND TOGETHER THESE FOUR BOXES CONTAIN US20,000,000.00(TWENTY MILLION UNITED STATESDOLLARS ONLY). THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT WE HAVE MOVED TO GHANA.
THEREFORE, I NEED AN URGENT HELP FROM YOU AS A MAN OF GOD TO HELP GET THIS MONEY IN ACCRA GHANA TO YOUR COUNTRY. THIS MONEY, AFTER GETTING TO YOUR COUNTRY, WOULD BE SHARED ACCORDING TO THE PERCENTAGE AGREED BY BOTH OF US.PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS MATTER IS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL AS THE GOVERNMENT WHICH MY LATE HUSBAND WAS PART OF IS STILL UNDER SURVAILLANCE TO PROBE US.
ALL I REQUIRE TO COMPLETE THIS TRANSACTION IS SUITABLE MATERIAL TO BRIBE A GOVERMENT OFFICIAL. THE OFFICIAL IS A HUGE FAN OF YOURS AND HIS COOPERATION CAN BE OBTAINED BY ONE AUTOGRAPHED COPY The Android’s Dream ARC PERSONALIZED TO HIS NAME WHICH MY LAWYER CAN PROVIDE.
YOU CAN CONTACT ME THROUGH MY FAMILY LAWYER AS INDICATED ABOVE AND ALSO TO LIAISE WITH HIM TOWARDS THE EFFECTIVE COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSACTION ON TEL/FAX N0:xxx-x-xxxxxxx AS HE HAS THE MANDATE OF THE FAMILY TO HANDLE THIS TRANSACTION.
THANKS AND BEST REGARD
MRS. MARIAM ABACHA
I deserve the ARC because the monkey says so. And you don’t want to go upsetting the monkey any more than you already have done.
Hello John,
I have genuinely enjoyed all of your SF books, starting with Agent to the Stars, which I read on line here. It did its intended task, which is to read your book and decide if I liked your story telling style, and I do. I have been a long time reader of SF and fantasy (about 40 years) and also a small, part time dealer (hey, I even sold you a book–the Ted Chiang Stories of Your Life), so I have been able to recommend your work to other book buyers. Over the course of the years, I made 2 good friends that I found on line through my book selling. One just got re-married, and she trusts my recommendations, as we have similar tastes, so I sent her Old Man’s War which she liked (and her new husband and son too). Recently I sent her a nice new copy of The Ghost Brigades as a gift, but it got lost in the mail. So I am going to get her a new copy. But even better would be to get her a personalized signed arc of The Android’s Dream! So that is why I would like one. Personally, I will buy a nice new hardcover 1st printing for myself, and to one day bring all my John Scalzi books to you for signing when I can meet you at a convention. Thanks, Dave G.
Just give me enough time – I’ll think of something…
Ummm…
Errr…
Oh yes… no, false alarm.
How about… doh, lost it!
Er…
I deserve the ARC copy because I think this just may be the book that finally gives me the motivation I need to learn to read. I keep hearing how essential the skill really is, and since my trained capuchin reading monkey is getting a bit old, and I have a newborn son who should really have a good reading role model and not some guy who gets read to by a lower primate (you should really hear Old Man’s War in capuchin by the way…)
So thats why I should win the contest. Assuming there really IS a contest and YikYik isn’t just playing with me again… Stupid monkey.
I deserve one of the Advance Reader copies because1. I am possibly the only person in the entire state of Utah who had a co-worker complain to our manager about a flatulance problem I had for several months. This led to … interesting … meetings with said manager, and culminated with a request from manager to said co-worker to please grow up. Having been a long-standing fart joke, I deserve more than anyone else a book that starts with such a joke.2. I browbeat my local county library into orderingThe Ghost Brigades. This should not have been necessary, but some bureaucratic twit decided from the title alone that it was a bad horror novel.3. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.4. I have three grown sons who were taught to be avid readers of science fiction (and other stuff), and who each spent portions of his life trying to become a long-standing fart joke.5. I offer a bribe of one hand-made peanut butter and sardine sandwich, to be delivered by US mail ASAP or in person next time you are in the vicinity of northern Utah. Your choice.6. I already have a hold on the first copy received by my local library, which I will be able to cancel if you give me a freebee. This will enable others to read your masterpiece sooner.Some of these reasons are true.
I deserve the ARC because I still believe Pluto is a planet. Keep the faith, man!
I’d say that I thought Xena should have been renamed Athena for her sterling defense, but that would just be sucking up.
My daughter is suffering from a fatal and painful disease and the only thing that can reach her through the cloud pain and opiates is the sound of my reading, and your books are her favorites, so can we please have the ARC so that I can read it to her before she dies.
The truth is that I deserve the ARC because in the distant past I’ll have it. We in the past revere the ARC as the foundation of our government and culture, and I am the custodian of the ARC. It is my duty to read one page from the ARC to the assembled multitudes every morning so that we all remember the foundation of our traditions. Thus, by giving me the ARC, you will ease the path to the present you will have created. Giving anyone else the ARC will only destroy the perfect present you will now be experiencing had you only given me the ARC.
Apologies to Mark.
And the guy who said the terrorists would win deserves something. How about an autographed strip of bacon.
Oh, and in the present you will have created, I will actually have had the child who could be ill (but won’t be) in the previous posting.
Oh, and –Death to America–
-message recieved by Al Jezeera and forwarded to Whatever–
Greetings from the future, John. I deserve the ARC because, well, I wrote the damn thing.
I am not going to bother with trying to convince myself that I am from the future, because I remember not beleiving this post either. I know it has a terrible ring of “The Door into Summer,” but here we are.
Let’s just say, hypothetically, that you become quite successful after OMW, TGB, TLC, and TRA are made into films. Now that you have money, you do what any good (read “self-important”) writer would do: Collect rare copies of your own works.
This plan works perfectly except that the ARC of “The Android’s Dream” is nowhere to be found. It seems that, back in 2006, euphoric after finishing TLC, you gave it away. For years you have people scouring the globe for it, but to no avail.
The only glimmer of hope is that your searching has found a scientist with a way to affect the past. While not true time-travel, she has found a way to ‘hijack’ the brain of certain people in the past. This GSLamb nimrod is one of them.
In closing, send it to GSLamb. I cannot tell you too much more about the future, but, thanks to gene therapy, I now have a veritable mane of hair.
I’m not entering, but I want to wish “Scott” good luck.
That strategy worked out well for me.
Do I deserve it? No. But, it would be nice to see an unpolished copy which may actually help me write my own novel by getting me over my near obsessive-compulsive fixation on things like spelling and grammar.
By spending less time worrying about those things, I can actually spend MORE time, not only writing, but working on my mad pastry-making skills. Think eclairs, John –really, really good eclairs.
Most of this is true. I’ll let you decide what.
Next week I start working from home. I need this ARC because if I don’t have something to occupy my time other than work I’ll probably take up untoward behaviors like eating ice cream for breakfast or affixing breakfast meats to domesticated animals. I mean, really, that might be fine for you, Scalzi, but is that how you want ME to end up? Is it? My fate is in your hands. Only you and your ARC can save me from myself.
HELP ME, JOHN SCALZI. YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE.
Australia is the home of the Science Fiction Dreamtime. I have said this often. Secret Science Fiction Writers’ Business. The trouble is that Secret Science Fiction Writers’ Business is not as cool as the Secret Women’s Business of Indigenous Australians. I’m not even certain that people outside Australia know what Secret Women’s Business is, which leaves Secret Science Fiction Writers’ Business in a parlous state. Work is needed.
Obviously, part of this work is to send me an ARC.
Why is sending me an ARC part of this work? I’m so glad you asked. There are millions of sheep littering our landscape. These sheep are actually the product of PK Dick’s Dreamtime. Android Dreaming – Dick’s legendary past, blobbing our landscape with strange woolly white things.
The hidden heart of Android Dreaming and Secret Science Fiction Writers’ Business is the Giant Merino, a Norstrilia-sized artificial sheep in Goulburn. I live very close to Goulburn. Who knows what the reaction will be when Android’s Dream comes close to the Giant Merino. Whatever it is, I promise to blog it. (If nothing happens, I will invent something and preserve the mystique of Secret Science Fiction Writers’ Business.)
I’m 65 years old. I need to get stuff as soon as possible, just in case.
I deserve ARC copy of the Androids Dream because I am fabulous!
It has come to my attention that my IP may have been hacked into earlier today while I was having a Grande double mocha half caf at a Starbucks in an undisclosed location in a mountainous region on the Pakistan/Afghanistan border.
Entries into this contest posted earlier today ARE NOT from me. They are from someone wishing to undermine sales of The Android’s Dream. I disavow any knowledge of these postings.
Thank You.
–Oh, and Death to America–
Why I deserve an ARC of TAD, in four parts:
1) Because lurkers need some love, too.
2) Because I have been increasing the fan base by forcing my copy of OMW on all of my non-science fiction reading friends. They have all enjoyed it, and I have my hardback copy back in pristine condition.
3) Because I procrastinated and had to get my copy of “Agent to the Stars” off of Amazon instead of direct from the publisher. Won’t make that mistake again, I’ll be pre-ordering “You’re Not Fooling Anyone…”
4) Because, like you, I am addicted to TLA’s (Three Letter Acronyms).
I deserve the ARC of TAD because there are four readers in our house, plus dozens more in our extended family. After I discovered OMW, I recommended it to everyone (of course). This in no way makes me unique in this crowd, but due to a peculiar genetic quirk, members of my immediate family appear to be unable to share copies of books. We will READ copies of each others books, but once read and enjoyed, we will purchase additional copies for our own collections. Sending us the ARC will ensure multiple copies will be bought subsequently. I would read the ARC once, then place it in a position of honor in our home, perhaps in some sort of shrine, inhabited by the spirit of Hugo Chavez. Every day rereads will be accomplished with the OTHER copies. So you get 2, 3, or more sales for the price of one! This should help you in your desire to get a nifty new Mustang. But only if you get the GT. There is just NO excuse for a V6 muscle car.
Because I bought new shoes in anticipation of our dinner in Denver. Because I’m going to paying off the credit card I used to hire minions to stuff the ballot box so i could be president of the Denver Society for the Advancement of J. Scalzi over Anne C. and Janeice for about 40 years since I can’t skim the dues account of the DSAJS. The DSAJS that was going to be announced at the diD. Because now I owe some local newscaster like 4 dinners and a car wash for getting the a crack investigative news team to cover the announcement of the DSAJS at the diD. For those reasons I feel the ARC should go to me.
I deserve an ARC because I write reviews for TCM Reviews. I just started, so I didn’t review OMW or TGB, but I did buy (with my own money) (in hardcover) both of them.
Full disclosure: I can’t claim poverty, old age, and since I live in Chicago, the book will be available so I’ll buy it anyway.
I deserve the ARC of TAD because I actually FELL for the Nigerian SPAM e:mail, and so am an object of pity, deserving of special consideration.
Plus I need an excuse to buy another bookshelf. What? Thin out my books? Are you MAD??
Dear Sir,
I would like to recieve the ARC of The Last Colony because I am currently completing my own trilogy of books and need some ideas.
The first two books are essentially complete (Geriatric Battle and Specter Troop) and now my final book (tenatively entitled “The Final Outpost”) is giving me some issues. I’m hoping that your work can inspire me to complete my epic trilogy, and give me confidence to shop for a publisher soon!
Also, if you could put in a good word for me with those fine folks at TOR, that would be much appreciated!
Sincerly,
Jason
I deserve a copy of The Andriods Dream because my initials are ARC, and yet I have never read a book in ARC form.
But my initials are ARC! And beyond that, my wife has just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. Who’s name happens to be Theresa Alexandra Dretch (my wife kept her last name – my son got mine, my daughter got her’s) – which also happens to the the iinitials of the book I have so patiently been waiting to read. My wife thinks that’s a coincidence.
Further, I have very poor spelling ability, so any spelling errors present in the ARC (that sweet, sweet ARC) will pass beneath my notice like two ships passing in the night (the ARC, of course, being the frieghter, my reading ability more like a medium size container ship).
Finally, if you do decide to send me and my adorable baby daughter the ARC, I’m sure she would appeciate it being signed by Athena as well.
P.S. Tad (as I call her) doesn’t sleep much, so I also need something to keep me awake a night as I await the next wails of hunger. The more awake I am, the faster I get the bottle to her. And as my wife is a very light sleeper, the less she wakes up, the happier she is. And the happier she is, the happier everyone in the town of Annapolis would be.
Kevin,
If you will agree to joint custody of the ARC, I will join in defeating the dark horse for the presidency of DSAJS – Marianne Aldrich. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
Dear Sir,
I would like to recieve the ARC of The Last Colony because I am currently completing my own trilogy of books and need some ideas.
The first two books are essentially complete (Geriatric Battle and Specter Troop) and now my final book (tenatively entitled “The Final Outpost”) is giving me some issues. I’m hoping that your work can inspire me to complete my epic trilogy, and give me confidence to shop for a publisher soon!
Also, if you could put in a good word for me with those fine folks at TOR, that would be much appreciated!
Sincerly,
Jason
I deserve the ARC of TAD because I live in Darke County, Ohio, and…there ain’t shit to do here but watch the corn grow and it’s done growing…there’s not a single book store in the entire county…the shipping would be cheap.
I don’t deserve the book. I’m a terrible human being. In fact, I’m a murderous son of a bitch. My crimes are so despicable that I make the entire class of mammals look bad.
But – I need the book. The government has decided to send me on a one-way voyage to the stars. They’ve picked up what they are sure are signals that indicate the presence of intelligent life on the far side of our galaxy and want to make contact. The voyage will be long and dangerous – even were I to live long enough to complete it, my body would be fried by the cosmic radiation in the galactic core. But they need a human on board to navigate the craft out of the solar system and have decided to kill two birds with one stone and get me off the planet.
The upside of this for you is two-fold. Firstly, I’ll no longer pose a threat to you or anyone else on the planet. Secondly, whatever novel I take along with me – and they’re only allowing one – will be the only piece of literature to be sent to the extra-terrestrials. You have the chance to be their first exposure to human thought. Your unique take on the human condition will inform their understanding of who and what we are. And from the way the scientists describe the alien transmissions, they’re quite keen on fart jokes. You may become something of a legend to them. Or a religious figure. Or a god. (Which you could then be agnostic towards.)
I can’t take a retail copy of your novel because my ship takes off before it will be available. Please John, my only other choice is a romance novel called “Savage Trust” by Cassie Edwards. Don’t do that to me – don’t do that to the aliens. The last thing we need is an entire alien culture whose opinions of us are based on that dreck.
Do it for me. Do it for the people of earth. Do it for the aliens.
As you may know, I am the head of the Tri-Lateral commission, a Director of the World Bank Special Operations Group, and I own my very own black helicopter. So why do I need you to send me a copy of TAD? Why don’t I simply have one of our elite hackers crack into your computer and take it, leaving behind obscence cat-sodomizing porn and internal Microsoft documents?
Because I am trying to go straight. I don’t know if I can do it. I have wielded power with an iron fist in a kevlar glove equipped with sound suppressents for the last 20 years, and I want to go home to my family.
This is my first attempt at getting something honestly. I don’t know if I have the intestinal fortitude to try again if I fail, but I am trying my hardest.
Also, if I am awarded the ARC – I will arrange for Jeb Bush to lose the next presidential election. Right now, he is penciled in as the winner (owning Diebold has made this all so easy), but I could arrange for a loss if you like. I would even allow you to pick the popular vote. Not just the winner, the actual number of people voting. We can give you a range of plausable numbers, and you can pick something with your birthday or phone number in it or something. Whatever you want – it’s really not too difficult.
Janiece
re: thinning out your books
In 1991 (due to Hollywood boycott of filming in NY), I was forced to move to L.A. Since movers charge by weight, I was forced to thin out my books. In the esuing “stoop sale”, my books went like hotcakes, all fetching top dollar.
Three years later, after every movie I worked on involved flying somewhere else, I decided I could return to NY (where I actually like to reside). Once again, the thinning of the books reared its ugly head. At my “yard sale”, I immediately sold a TV set (with attached sign reading “does not work”) for 35 dollars. At the end of the day, most books remained unclaimed under a sign reading “Free”.
So sad.
And getting back to the topic, “GIMME THE ARC”
I deserve the ARC because I thought up bacon on a cat first.
I just didn’t take pictures.
I deserve the ARC because I am smart enough to have discovered the cure for cancer, wise enough to withold the cure until the human race is ready for t, and modest enough to never mention this to anyone.
I deserve the ARC because I thought up bacon on a cat first.
I just didn’t take pictures.
I deserve a copy of The Andriod’s Dream because I am running the NYC marathon on November 5 this year – and I will carry a banner with The Andriod’s Dream, or any other message under 15 words for all 26.2 miles, through all five boroughs of New York, to the finish line. In addition, I will send you a finish line photo of me holding the banner for your enjoyment. Publicity for TAD, or any other cause you wish, is thereby assured.
Great posts. Such an inspired melange of begging, bribery and outright falsehood has never been equalled (okay, rarely been equalled outside of major political conventions. Better?)
I’m not going to enter because, well, I already HAVE an ARC. Ah, the sweet perks of the book business. Which is good, because we sure ain’t in it for the money.
Ooops. Don’t hate me because I push buttons too enthusiastically.
Nathan,
When I was in the military, I moved quite often. As the years went by, my library got bigger and bigger, outpacing my weight allowance for moving. Eventually I had to thin out, too. Typically I give them to Friends of the Library.
Now that we’re stable, our books are slowly taking over the house. I’m sure you understand!
Note the Scalzi: Look deep into my eyes…you want to give Janiece the ARC of TAD…you want to endorse her for the presidency of DSAJS…you want to have Krissy and Athena sign the ARC before shipping it to Denver…
Since I will take pictures of HTC as he passes the intersection of Lafayette Ave. and Adelphi St. in Brooklyn, MILES before he can finish the Marathon thereby able to post said pics on EVERY SITE ON THE INTERNET first, I should get the ARC.
Thanks for the assist, HTC!!
I’ll shut up now.
Well, the main reason you should give me this book is because I deserve it more than anyone else. The voices told me so. These are very powerful voices, and they have friends in Ohio. How do you think some of the Ohio politicians ever got elected? HOW DO YOUZZZZZZZZ!Ok. Better Now.I taught my cat a trick. Not a very big trick, but I still taught her, and without taping bacon to her lovely, soft, soft fur … Oohhhh, soft, soft, so soft …
Also, this cat had a near-death experience when she was very young, and she used to put a large lump of dogfood in every shoe left sitting in the living room. The voices told her to do it. They are very powerful voices! They told Chavez that Bush is really Satan! He was supposed to keep that a secret! HE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TOZZZZZZZZZ!Goodnight.
Okay. You have heard about my iron lung, right? It’s tough to be me, slaving away as an Admin Ass at a (unnamed) New England University – and having to truck around my iron lung is pretty taxing. Reading your ARC would give me the cache I would need to ascend higher on the administrative chain of command.
“You read Scalzi? Whoops, sorry about that, I unplugged your Iron Lung by mistake,” says high mucky-muck.
“Oh, no problem. Yes, not only do I read Scalzi, I have his latest ARC.”
Mucky-muck expires in excitement. I plug my iron lung back in. (The extension cord is really long.)
Also, I am taking three classes this semester. Critical Thinking, Introduction to Statistics and Human Growth and Development. I think that owning a John Scalzi ARC will make my education all make sense. Will give direction in my life and all that rot.
Lastly, I went to Boskone last February and ended up rubbing shoulders with you, John Scalzi. I purchased both The Ghost Brigades and Old Man’s War, and I have your signatures on both. (Photographic proof: http://flickr.com/photos/lannalee/134584168/in/set-72057594116337847/ – that’s me in the middle, iron lung is off to the side.)
*cough, wheeze
I deserve the ARC because I alone am possessed of the secret Germano-Aztec banana of doom. Batteries not included.
i deserve this book because i will use it as porn.
I want it. But I don’t deserve it. So in the meantime, I’m going to keep reading this thread to keep me entertained.
But when it comes out, I’m gonna buy it.
I feel I deserve an ARC because I work with teenagers. Every day I am perceived as someone older than dirt, made when rocks were young. Any cool points I earn as a librarian come when I can recommend books that aren’t “lame”. I at least have this small power to influence malleable young minds. Now, your books aren’t lame. And if this one starts out with a chapter-long fart joke, I know it has YA appeal, particularly for guys. One of the things I respect about you, John, is how close you are to your inner teenager. As an added bonus, if I like it and can get my library system to buy it, I can add it to a number of online booklists and thus pimp you to my part of the world.
I do not deserve it.
However, my husband (who never enters contests himself) does. He writes detailed reviews at http://www.dpsinfo.com/jblog.
When media demi-goddess MaryAnn Johanson needed blurbs for her Princess Bride book ads, whose blurbs did did she select?
John Scalzi
Jim Mann
We know, of course, the MaryAnn is a woman of great taste.
So if I win (for Jim, of course), it is quite likely that he’ll review your book soonest in his insightful way!
Unlike claire who will merely use the book as porn, I will marry the book and find a way to impregnate it. I will be deeply in love with the book. The book and I will grow old together. We’ll raise a family and retire to my parents farm.
Until the ARC for TLC comes out, at which I’ll take back those promises and make a pass at the new girl.
i deserve the Android’s Dream because i have to work, a real job in a real office — full of Lawyers! (pity me!) — and so i can’t access the web all day long and leave JS’s blog up for moment to moment information (*sniff*) and so, because of that, i started reading at the top, about how JS is now worldweb famous for cat antics, and didn’t get down to this entry until after i had emailed another friend (my *best* friend MaryAnn Johanson who JS has a not-so-secret web crush on) and now i am 89th or more in the comments (*sob*), and probably don’t even have a dim hope of JS getting this far down in the comments before he gets bored, and i’ll have to join the common rable (whaaaaah! i don’t *wanna be* common!) and i finished reading his book The Ghost Brigades last night, which kept me up past my bed time (mommy!) so i was late for work this morning, and will probably have my pay docked and won’t be able to afford to buy Android’s Dream when it comes out…..
but don’t mind me. i’ll just sit here, huddled in the intraweb corner, sobbing softly, with occasional nail biting. i’ll be fine.
I need the ARC. My husband is living under the delusion that he can write. He tells me that the only difference between him and all the successful writers is that they are fortunate enough to have a good editor. Send me the ARC so I can wipe these delusions from our life.
He needs to be shown. Let me show him all the mistakes and errors of an unedited competently written book to compare against his disjointed ramblings. Only then can I stop him from hanging out in coffeeshops with our laptop. His family needs him at home. It’s in your hands now.
I deserve the ARC because I created a special Flickr-photoset to honor all Androids and Robots:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/51035610542@N01/sets/72157594291346788/
I deserve the ARC of TAD because when the book comes out I shall be leaving this solar system and accelerating to 99.97% the speed of light en route to Beta-5138-N3. Even if Amazon.com can send me the download of the e-book version, the time dilation will reduce the data connection to worse that the 50 baud teletype terminals we used to use in the labs as an undergraduate. To say nothing of the attenuation of the signal strength necessitates numerous retry packet errors.
We don’t even want to talk about downloading the audio version of the book, because the Doppler shift would render the audio inaudible.
So in the name of high technology (actually more advanced than yours), if you don’t send me the ARC, I won’t be able to read TAD until the next time I visit this part of the Orion Arm of the Milky Way — and who knows when THAT will be?
Pretty please?
Dr. Phil
It has been foretold that I am soon to be abandoned, alone on a tropical island for 7 years, 4 months, and 13 days. Only one book will survive as I swim through the clear blue, yet shark-infested waters. It must be The Android’s Dream. Imagine the potential marketing blitz for the collectible reissue when I am rescued in 2014!
Listen up, you testosterone-poisoned scum!I wouldn’t normally upgrade a man’s blog with my presence, but somehow you manage to write almost as well as some womyn. Although it did not escape my notice that the book with the male main character came first, and the one with the female character was second. We ALWAYS get second place.Anyway, gimme that ARC book, and I will partially forgive you for keeping a womyn prisoner and constantly humiliating an innocent girl. If you don’t give it to me, I will get my coven together and we will put such a curse on you that you won’t even be able to pick up a banana without it wilting away.Do we understand each other?
I deserve the book because if your Italian ancestors hadn’t emigrated to the USA you would have been born Italian, you would therefore have written the book in Italian, and since I am your only reader who a) wrote a dissertation on the translation of science-fiction, and b) is a professional translator, you would have needed me in order to publish “Il sogno dell’Androide” in English (you would not have been satisfied with the tiny Italian market for SF).
So, since my brilliant translation of your wonderful prose would have been indispensable for your own success in the States, it follows that I deserve the ARC (you want me to start working on that translation asap, right?).
Send it to me because I’ll read it to kids.
Think of the children, John.
Plus, when I’m done, I’ll put in on my swag shelf, next to the Oscar (TM) I won for Best Actress in a Leading Role in “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” (and don’t let that lying tramp Hepburn tell you otherwise); behind the Diploma granted me by Professor Marvel of Oz, in which I received a ThD (Doctor of Thinkology); and next to the Nobel Peace Prize I got for solving that pesky Kree-Skrull war. I’ll keep the book in a box on the shelf, said box being made of fragments of the One True Cross (except for the lid, which came from a Dutchmasters Cigar box).
I’ll read the book only under infrared lights, so UV won’t fade it. Should I need to make marginal notes, I’ll use a pencil I got from a bowling alley, with soft dark lead which erases easily.
I won’t want to damage the cover when I set my civet cat coffee (creamed with milk from Norwegian beavers) on it, so I’ll wrap in in archival grade Mylar (unless I run out, in which case I’ll use wax paper that my ham and cheese sandwich was in yesterday. I licked most of the mayo off).
I like pictures in my books, so I’ll get Frankie Frazetta to do some drawings in the end papers. He owes me a favor for showing him how to paint more better. (The secret is to remember which number goes with which color, and stay inside the lines).
Plus, if I win, I’ll let you whitewash my aunt Polly’s fence.
I think you ought to give it to Tira’s human (because the reasons are properly self-serving and include no threats) or to Dr. Phil (because he said “pretty please”).
You don’t want to send it to me. I haven’t got the droids you’re looking for. And I have already pre-ordered the book. You wouldn’t want to decrease revenue. (My mind-control skills have been working in reverse lately . . .)
If you send it to me, I will be so happy that an aura of peace and love will descend upon the world. The lion will lay down with the lamb, Israeli and Palestinian will join hands in a spirit of brotherly love, and obnoxious drunks will no longer bother women in bars. The only blight on this happy scene will be the surge of Bush/Ahmadinejad slash fiction.
If you denied this to the world (excepting the slash, of course,) could you even bear to look at yourself in the mirror?
My dearest John,
The summers are harsh, here in Pasadena. Were it not for the visions of deer at play throughout the rolling hills and dales of this esteemed institution, it would be nigh unbearable.
I fight the good fight as best I can, to push the Pluto-Haytas back, but, alas, they have won too many battles for my compatriots and me to hope to win this war. Even the inestimable Athena and Cthulhu have not been able to emerge victorious, as Pluto has been stripped of its noble name. I fear that we have passed the point of no return and it is only the sweet, sweet promise of The Android’s Dream ARC that keeps me going, keeps me from falling into abject despair.
So I write to you, hoping this missive finds you well, remembering all the good times we have had, you in your writing and me in my reading since 1998. I recall how your notes inspired me to read others, later to write my own all-too-public letters. My dreams are filled with the day I purchased The Ghost Brigades in hardback, though my funds were low, because I posessed Old Man’s War in hardback and wished to have a matched set – they sit on my bookshelf, awaiting The Lost Colony to join them, to complete their family. And so they also await The Android’s Dream ARC and its inspiring opening.
May you and yours survive this war unscathed. I cannot promise the same will be said of me.
With deepest sincerity,
Carol Elaine
How do I know that when I have won, some schmuck won’t send you his email address claiming to be me?
Happens all the time. You can’t trust anyone. If I had gotten to be the leader of Israel (instead of my dodgy brother) there wouldn’t be the mess there is now over there. I need some other consolation besides this harem of Canaanites…do you have any idea what passes for cooking around here?
I deserve something for all the grief I’ve had heaped onto my shoulders. Just make sure that when you announce that I won someone doesn’t come to you saying they are me. If I can’t off-the-bat tell you how to skin a deer using nothing but a rock and a few thrushes- It’s not me.
Already got one, thanks.
Nathan
Do you live in Brooklyn somewhere near Adelphi & Lafayette?
Could I interest you in a cup o joe @ Tillies? I am always looking for friends in da’ hood.
;) Lady Day
I now understand why you allowed yourself 36 hours in which to read all the entries and make a decision. Are you sure you won’t need more time? OMG what these people will do for the hope of a free book is beyond me.
Of course, there was that time I trudged through knee-deep Minnesota snow for a mile to get a book signed by the author……but that was 2 decades ago and I was INSANE!!! Thanks to some intense therapy, I’m much better, now.
Good luck to you all.
Trade you a Lego version of your very own Scalzi award for a copy of your ARC.
I deserve it because I work in a boring office job all day where I’m penned up like a baby veal cow and your writing is some of my only salvation.
Also I live in NJ and this is one of the only places where people can probably say your name right.
I deserve this ARC because, frankly, my dining room table is leaning a little to the left.
I deserve the ARC version of The Android’s Dream for three separate but highly compelling reasons.
First, I am currently developing a line of androids for the purposes of augmenting the industrial work force for those tasks that sane humans really shouldn’t do – primarily lawyering and running ad agencies. I’ve discovered that these highly complex entities have a need to dream, in the same way that mammals do. Sadly, my current prototypes seem to suffer from being forced to re-dream my used dreams, and they complain incessantly about having to free the Linda Carter version of Wonder Woman night after night. Clearly, I (and they) need assistance from your enlightened philosophical tome as soon as possible.
Second, the cafeteria at my day job here at DaimlerChrysler engineering involves a lot of bean-type foods. It’s having a powerfully demoralizing effect. We cheered ourselves up by reading salient chapters of Agent To The Stars for a while, but now some of us need some new fart jokes to fend off depression. Please, your opening chapter of TAD might save me or one of my colleagues from suicidal flatulence. Or, at least let us get a snicker or two in before the end.
Thirdly, I deserve the ARC version of TAD because I have a table that is terribly wobbly, and in desperate need of being propped up. And it’s a picky table – it positively spat out my Heavy Metal magazines, and I’m afraid I need something to distract it from my first edition Stranger In A Strange Land.
Sincerely,
-RooK
If I get the ARC of TAD, I’ll tatoo a picture of Bacon-Cat to my right bicep and a picture of Pluto with the words “Always a Planet” wrapped around it on my left bicep and a picture of Cthulhu devouring Scott Westerfeld on my chest.
…
It’s on the tip of my tongue…
oo ohwishpto tooh hth u thyui
You’ll never hear a better reason than that!
Pretty Please
and could Athena draw a dust jacket to protect it?
I deserve a copy of The Android’s Dream more than anyone else because I have read all of your other books. Oh wait. Other’s have done that too.
Well, I also did an interview with you for Strange Horizons, which was fun for me (and I hope you) and probably got at least one more person to read Old Man’s War.
I read Whatever daily, though I haven’t been commenting much, and enjoy your politics, your antics, your writing, your writing excuses, and your conversations.
Because I currently have no book budget whatsoever due to financial constraits and this is the only way for me to get my Scalzi fix so that I do not go out and murder people for their money so I can buy the pretty shiny books that call to me.
I will faithfully review the ARC of The Andriod’s Dream in my blogs, which have at least 50 readers or so. Several of whom have actually bought books I’ve reviewed (such as Old Man’s War) before. So even though I’m not Instapundit, my sell through rate is better! (2 out of 50 is much better than 50 out of 1 million!!!!!)
Because I’m the first person to link to this Uber cool screen saver that is realted to your book: Electric Sheep http://electricsheep.org/
Said screen saver is gorgeous, intelligent, and interesting and a great way to just zone when you are facing book deadlines!
Lady D
My GF doesn’t encourage me to seek out babes in the nabe.
but Thanks
And if I see you trying to scoop me as HTC runs by with his banner, I’m soooo gonna steal your camera.
I’ve been stuck in my species’s third stage of metamorphosis for the past ten years, and need something wonderful to shock me into the fourth stage, which, I believe, includes wings and a keen mind for politics. I think that the arrival of your ARC could be the joyous shock that gets me there.
I believe I deserve the ARC of The Android’s Dream for these reasons:
1. I am the founder of a blog devoted to the number 27 as well as 27’s official myspace page.
2. Earlier today, I was standing on my toilet hanging a clock. I slipped, hit my head, and that was when I got the idea for this.
Just think of the hilarity that will ensue when I get in my time-traveling Delorean, go back in time, and leak the book before it was written!
3. My electric sheep just died, and I am sad. You can help ease my pain.
Nathan – you are more than welcome to take a picture of me as I run past. But keep in mind that besides brooklyn, I will be running over five bridges and through four other boroughs, to be seem by more than two million spectators. Not counting my tv appearances. So your publication of my historic TAD run only adds to my offer, which now stands at:
‘The Andriods Dream’ carried over five bridges, through five boroughs, to be seen by more than two million spectators AND Nathan taking a picture and publicising it all over the internet. Also, ING has a web tracker so you can track the progress of the TAD banner as it progresses through the city. Not to mention the finish line photo of me holding up the banner…
Give me the book, because if you don’t, I’ll steal your cat AND your bacon. Then I’ll tape all of the bacon to the cat. That’s right, ALL the bacon. The ENTIRE package, not just one measley slice.
And then I’ll fry it. Whilst attached to the cat. Mmmmmm…bacon-fried cat….
Because my pig died for your bacon.
Because my pig died for your bacon.
Because my pig died for your bacon.
Because my pig died for your bacon.
Because my pig died for your bacon.
Because my pig died for your bacon.
I deserve the book because of my groundbreaking work on computer dreaming.
Yes, it only got me a Masters, but I’m including robotic and android dreaming for my PhD. If I get an autographed copy (soon), I can cite you in the endnotes and maybe name a robotic neurosis after you.
And then you can go down as a footnote in history as having “helped the Freud of Androids!” What more can you ask?
Jaquandor:
Ew.
::begin transmission::
(Background noises – incoherent howling, pounding on metal door)
Oh my G-d! The engineers have been let loose! They’ve taken over the entire lab! They’ve beaten the scientists to raw, bloody stumps!
I’ve never seen anything so horrendous in all my weeks here. What can I do to stem the tide of blood? If only I had a The Android’s Dream ARC to beat them back into their cave. Nothing else would have helped. If only I, a simple secretary, were to get a copy in the mail, there might still be hope. I pray it’s not too late.
(Sounds of metal ripping away, incoherent howling gets louder)
*sobs* Please tell my family I love them. Tell my boyfriend– *heart-stopping scream*
::end transmission::
I’m poor and poor people still need to read.
I have a seven year old daughter who is reading Eragon right now and will need something cool for bedtime reading when she finishes that.
My son, who is now just six weeks old, will be raised on Star Wars, video games, and the internet. He will no doubt be qualified to read The Android’s Dream in a few short years.
Finally, both my wife and I have read Old Man’s War and The Ghost Brigades and fervently await The Last Colony. This will hold us over until then.
Did I mention that we all survive on a meager teacher’s salary in hurricane-wracked Southwest Florida? I’m under-appreciated, under-paid, and I need an escape every once in awhile.
The scary part of my little essay is that it is all true.
I deserve the ARC because:
1. It’s my birthday today – so it was fated to be mine.
2. Said birthday was somewhat spoiled by having to attend a friend’s funeral. So I need cheering up.
3. If I win it, I promise to sign up for a copy of your “Coffee Shop” book – postage to the UK and all.
All absolutely true!
Scalzi,
I will cede to emeraldcite, as his pathetic tale of woe far exceeds anything I could make up. Besides, it’s true, and I happen to agree that teachers are underappreciated and underpaid.
Thanks, emeraldcite!
1. September 26 is my birthday (true), and an ARC would make a great present.
2. I’m mainly a lurker to Whatever. If I read your book first, I’d make lots of mildly funny posts about the book.
3. For 18 years, I enjoyed the company of a cat named Fluffy, who coincidentally was a present for my 12th birthday. Couldn’t spell your cat’s name.
4. If you don’t send me the ARC, I vote for Hamish in New Zealand.
As dreamology of higher order synthetic organisms is my field of specialization (you have probably read my PhD paper “I Swing the Body Electric: An Examination of RoboPorn in the New Millenium Paradigm Shift), I feel it is only professional of you to allow me to peer review your work before unleashing it on an often gullible public. I am especially interested in your views of the symbology of pneumatic power elevator shafts versus multi-USB insertion ports (yes, I know, the old “sometimes a spasoidal gel injectionator is just a spasoidal gel injectionator” argument) as well as olfactory expulsion amusement as anti-social behavior. Many thanks. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Dick Phillip
You should give me the book because:
*I am a chosen person of God (the voices tell me so) and if you don’t, you will burn (that’s right, BURN) in Hell! Save your soul, turn away from Satan and his minions (that would be every other entrant in the contest so far, I’m not sure about anyone after), come to God and give me that book! And God will still forgive you for the errors of your ways, I’m sure, if you just give me the book, even if you remain deeply agnostic. It’s the act that counts.
*I am also a small child dying of cancer and my whole life long I’ve dreamed of having an Advanced Reader’s Copy of one of your books, and the doctors say I don’t have long to live. But if I have the chance to read the Android’s Dream before I die, I’ll be able to die happy.
*If you don’t, not only will the terrorists win, but there will be DEATH and BLOODSHED everywhere, and America will lose its VALUES and its VERY SOUL. And we’ll be invaded by immigrants. Oh, and the sanctity of marriage will be threatened.
*For every ARC that goes out before I have one, God kills a kitten. Think of the kittens!
*I am also a teenager who feels ostracized by the science fiction community. I often fantasize about taking my gun, my nice, nice, black shiny gun, to an SF convention and–but my psychiatrist says I shouldn’t talk about that. She does say that I need to accomplish something SF-related to raise my self-confidence or something like that, and when she told me that and then I saw this contest, I thought “What a great opportunity! I already know that John Scalzi is a nice man (as science fiction authors go, not like those editors who rejected my stories and said that they sounded like I had psychological issues and that if I wanted to get them worked out, I should go to a professional and pay the normal hourly rates…evil, cruel, they hate me), and so if the one person in the science fiction community I really relate to (he agrees that the planet named after the god of the underworld is a planet, not like all those nasty haters who look for every chance to attack we worshippers of the Rich One and belittle us–dwarf planet indeed!) doesn’t even like me enough to send me one little, inexpensive copy of one of his books then I’ll know that the whole SF community just hates me and I’ll be perfectly justified in taking my nice shiny black gun to, say, the SFWA headquarters.” I’ve long believed that the science fiction community, editors (editors! evil mocking editors!), authors, and fen alike, all hated me (they’re just jealous because they know that He likes me better, that’s what they should expect…has any child in *their* areas ever gone missing, only to turn up on a makeshift sacrificial altar in the woods? they have to show their devotion!), mocked me behind my back and to my face, they would make a perfect sacrifice to the god, a pleasant symmetry in their souls and their bodies both being offered up to him–but I digress. I have long thought that they hated me, and I have borne their thousand injuries as best I can; prove me wrong. It is clear that I deserve it more than anyone else in the comments so far; for you not to send it to me would venture upon insult, and then I would have to vow my revenge…
*if you do, I’ll send you unicorns and flowers and butterflies and rainbows to decorate your house and your family with. Or, if you prefer, spiderwebs, bats, gravestones, and creepy music is also available.
*I said so.
*if you don’t, I’ll never ever ever ever buy any of your books, ever, and since I am the most important reader in the world, the loss of book sales this mistake will cost you will haunt you for the rest of your life and when you’re old and grey you’ll think to yourself, “I wish I had sent out that ARC to that nice young lady on my blog; maybe if I had, I would have gotten a billion sales and a Spielberg movie deal and more science-fiction prizes and my later books would have been published, instead of falling into ignominy and dying without a penny to my name.” The future is in your hands! Choose wisely!
*if you don’t, Bad Things Will Happen. Really. Really, really bad things, that you don’t even want to think about; you can’t even imagine how bad things can go or how quickly. If you thought that Cthulhu eating Scott Westerfield in effigy was bad, imagine Cthulhu coming to eat you in person. And maybe save you for last. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
But if you do, Really Good Things Will Happen. Think “Pluto being re-classified into a planet” kind of good, except better. Lion-lying-down-with-the-lamb kind of good (sorry to above poster), peace on earth, goodwill to man and woman. Everyone who ever criticized you or made fun of your bacon-cat-taping activities will publicly apologize, for instance.
Don’t ask how I’ll make this happen; you wouldn’t believe me anyway.
———
Everything in this post was a lie, including this sentence.
Does this count as one entry?
I am the android, and this is my dream…
With Brendana’s kiss, all coherent thought fled from my meson particle database. My manipulator claws rose of their own volition, one settling on Brendana’s hip, the other threading itself through her fiber optic hair. Before long, my claw on her hip began to slide under her aluminum casing to rest near the warm fins of her cooling block, causing Brendana to emit an electronic hiss of static.
Taking my explorations as her cue, Brendana’s digital manipulators found the rivets of my torso plate. Finding the next one by feel, she worked her way from my neck on down, plucking the rivets gently from their holes. I sensed her manipulator claws sliding upwards and pushing my torso plate up, and then off of my appendages.
Once Brendana had completed her task, I took advantage and pulled her casing over her head. This also forced us to break our kiss, allowing some much needed air into the fans of our power supplies. Panting harshly, we eagerly ran our optical sensors over the other’s open chassis. Brendana reached behind her back to unclasp her kevlar reinforced containment cups.
I emitted a sound that was a cross between a high pitched hard drive access and a whine as her perfectly pert mechanical breasts were revealed to my eyes. Her chassis was silver white with a spattering of fire-wire freckles on her shoulders. Her breasts, while on the small side, fit her Direx112 body model perfectly and were peaked with stainless steel nipples that brightened and sparkled beneath my stare.
It was the feel of Brendana’s titanium nails raking over my exposed motherboard, that finally forced hydraulic fluid downwards into my front quadrant, and loaded hardened round of depleted uranium into the firing chamber.
How shall I complete my dream, if I do not have the Scalzi Unit’s book?
OK, we know the intarwebs love a list, so:
I want to read a Scalzi novel. I’ve heard they’re rather good.
The chances of the local library getting a copy within the next two years are so slim as to be non-existant.
Due to being employed by said library, my book buying budget is a bit on the slim side, and numerous editors have advised that the buying of US editions by UK readers actually harms the chances of the books getting published in other markets.
I’d get a chance to review a highly anticipated novel by this year’s Cambell award winner on my blog. Plus be one of the few UK reviewers to get a crack at it.
It’d sit nicely with the other ARCs that I occasionally get as a reviewer, and allow me boasting rights among the sf cognoscenti.
I’m a really nice person.
I’d hate to have to do something extreme in order to grab attention, like, I don’t know, taping meat to a live animal or something.
I really want it. Like, y’know, a lot, and stuff.
I haven’t actually lied once in this list, which is (hopefully) a measure of my forthright honesty rather than a lack of imagination.
Did I mention that I really want it?
There you have it; one can but try. I suppose I shouldn’t mention the fact that if you *don’t* give me the book I’ll probably end up buying it, or one of your others. Oh, sh*t. I think I just blew it.
I deserve the ARC copy because I’m your biggest fan ev3r!!!11!1!
Okay, that hurts my eyes even looking at that. I apologize.
Another reason would be that I’ve been buying waaaay too many video games lately. Please, give me something that will tear me away from the PS2 and the DS! Surely this is a situation that you, as a fellow gamer, can have sympathy for!
John,
I deserve this gift because my last ARC experience was very traumatic.
I admit, my previous deeds were controversial. Yes, I acted badly. But I’ve grown. Now I’m searching for redemption. Thus I’m optimistic your ARC will treat me better than the last.
Please send your beautiful ARC immediately. I must request, however, you ‘certify’ (provide a covenant) that your ARC will not burn holes in my vintage swastika bookshelf and release vengeful ghostly angel/demons to melt my face like wax. This was a really disturbing last time, and I’m still plagued by significant physiological issues with certain types of breadboxes and cookie jars. Anyway, I don’t feel this will be a problem with your ARC considering your background. Yes, I’m referring to your recent devil picture and various posts on Atheism, cat abuse, and bar violence. So I think I’ve found the appropriate savior to provide my deliverance from eternal suffering. Please ship ARC to the vast warehouse I’ve referenced above. We are talking about the same thing, right?
Why am i deserving of an ARC? Not just for what it will mean to me in terms of bragging rights among the nerd brigades, but also for what I can do for you! As a Soldier(USAR), Substitute Parochial High School Teacher and a Bartender at two highly frequently theatres in a major metropolitan city I can pimp (or if you prefer a less unsavory word, tout) with the best. In the last two years alone I have read upwards of 50,000 pages of book text (complete list available upon request) not including daily newspapers, periodicals, internet-only columns and blogs, and work related materials. Currently I’m touting Old Man’s War to my fellow teachers, Starship Troopers to my students, the late, great David Goodis and Clive Cussler to the theatre crowd, and David Foster Wallace, Bill Bryson and all things RAH to my fellow soldiers. My audiences for my promotion are diverse but captive – they are stuck in desks and willing to listen to anything not concerning 19th century naval design and innovation (one of many topics I am ably to fluently converse about at length and in depth), lightly inebriated and open to suggestion about other forms of entertainment and diversion, or trapped in a barracks or at the wrong end of a gun – all situations where I can spread word of your genius far and wide. PS I also ride public transportation for about 12 hours a week and frequently engage my fellow readers in conversation – Carrying an ARC around I will be a living, breathing, and most importantly TALKING Billboard for YOU.
Dang it, out of toilet paper again!
Hey, John, could you pass me over some? Thanks, dude.
Gwen, shame on you! My voices told me that I am the chosen one for Earth. You are not. You get back to Proxima Centauri II where you belong! After I get the book, I will translate it to you telepathically.
I deserve the book because I:
– Am the Lord of the Snowmonkeys,
– Can dislocate my shoulder at will,
– Am responsible for at least 2/3rds of the inane political blogging on both sides (True! Ezra Klein, the folks at Reason *and* the Powerline boys are all my sockpuppets!)
– Repossessed my own car, stole my own pants without my noticing it, and wrote scalding critizism about myself that was much wittier and urbane that I ever could be, all in the same day,
– Can beat just about anyone at hot pepper eating contests,
– Spend my summers picking bandwidth to feed the tubes, so they don’t clog up your internets
– Am light and refreshing when used as a soup base or externally as a salve,
– Have a demonstrated ability to configure a Cisco router with my eyes closed,
– Make a mean goulash, which I’ll happily demonstrate next time I go back to Ohio (alternately, can saute the best portabello mushroom you’ve ever had),
– Have size 10 feet, although one is slightly larger than the other,
– Once outwitted Kibo at his own game.
I also once made greencard jokes fast.
*Some of those are actually true.
John,
You should send me the signed ARC of The Android’s Dream because it can then sit proudly on my bookshelf next to my ARC of the Bible…which is signed in Jehovah’s fiery hand and is, yes, a teeny bit singed.
I deserve the ARC because I have free copies of your other books, signed by you and (I assume) mailed by your lovely wife. If you send me this one I will again attempt to force my lovely wife to read it. (Even though she hates sci-fi but likes you). And because I let her talk me into letting you marry us.
So there.
M
HAHAhahaha…. OMG. Ok, Jonathan, you got me. That was really cold milk that went up my nose! Ouch, damn that stings.
I didn’t see it coming… most original so far, with Dave’s one-liner, GSLamb, and Tor’s entry tied for second place. Lol…. ARC of the covenant…I’m still giggling.
Just Give Me the Damn ARC!
I promise to love it and squeeze it and hug it and pet it and call it My PRECIOUS, and I SWEAR I won’t let anyone cut off my hand that is clutching said ARC and throw into a volcanic fire to destory it, thus saving the world. Nope. Won’t let it happen!
Two reasons:
1. I won’t tape bacon to it. Or a cat.
2. I’ll send you a money order for the postage to Canada, AKA “The great white north”, eh.
A little look at my past is why *I* should get it.
My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.
My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon… luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds – pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking – I suggest you try it.
Send book.
I haven’t read any of your books yet, but I have been following the Whatever for a couple months now. I think I deserve your ARC because I going to spend the next 3 hours asking nicely. Here we go:
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, plese, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, plase, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pleaase, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, lease, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, plese, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, lease, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, lease, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pleae, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pleease, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pleae, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, plese, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pleasse, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, peas, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, lease, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, plese, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pleasae, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, dear god please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, lease, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pleae, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pease, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pleasde, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pleas, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pleaase, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, plase, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pleae, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, plaease, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, plese, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please… with sugar on top.
Thanks.
gimme gimme gimme
I I me me mine
I read Douglas Adams when I was 26 years old because you had told me 10 years earlier that it was good. And you were right. And I knew that you had read it 10 years before that 10 years earlier.
{/ end embarrasing confession}
Hmmmm…ok, so far my money is on Dreaming Android.
Tell us more Android, we want bot’ porn!
Next Chapter Please!
Bunny
“O speak to me! O post your fawning whines!”
Said writer Scalzi on Whatever’s page;
“Compell me with your wit, your tired lines,
Your mocking lies, your dissertations sage.”
They took him at his word and bent their wills
To begging, pleading, making furious
Mock of many things, the gist of which still
Comes down to, “I am the most curious!”
Why does Scalzi seek this deadliest woe?
Why look for brags and lies his sole reward?
Why to these desp’rate depths dost Scalzi go?
Why not tape cats to bacon if he’s bored?
Why seeks he this tintinabulation?
To part with extended flatulation!
Scalzi, I would really appreciate the ARC of TAD . The four reasons I will share publicly are:
1. As a pupating author, being able to see the whole gory process of novel writing and making, including the version of TAD with all the typos, can only help propel my mediocre career to somewhere below the smog layer.
2. When the grand-nieces and nephews ask if I ever knew President/Emperor Scalzi, I can tell them that not only did I know him, I have an ARC of his most influential novel. Behold the typos. Then they’ll ask me if you always wore the Diadem and I’ll tell them that you only wore it on high holy days until your ascension. Then I’ll explain why we have to tape bacon to the cat every September 13th.
3. Because of this photo.
4. If you don’t send it my way, at the next convention we’re both at I’ll track you down at every panel your on, sit in the front row, cross my arms, and give you a very cross look.
I could use an effervescent romp…
Says the FedEx pilot: “Enough is enough! I’ve had it with this mother-fucking ARC on this mother-fucking plane!”
This is Marvin speaking. I don’t know why I bother. You probably don’t even know who I am; I’m older than the universe several times over and smarter than all the people in it put together and people don’t even know my name. God I’m so depressed. Nothing to do to occupy my planet-sized brain while I’m parking cars at this stupid Restaurant except watch the universe end again (only nice thing about this job, seeing all the irritating organic life-forms vaporize) and use my vast mental resources to go back in time and screw around posting comments on blogs.
Anyway, I figure that if anyone should get a book called The Android’s Dream, it would be a manic-depressive android. Except that it wouldn’t be a dream, it would be like a nightmare. One of those nightmares where you’re stuck serving organic life-forms who are so stupid they can’t even figure out what to do with you, so they send you, who have a brain the size of a planet, down to take hitchhikers to the bridge, or to pick up a scrap of paper, or park cars or something. Except that’s not a nightmare, it’s my life. Life! Don’t talk to me about life…
Anyway, if anything can bring one brief moment of cheer to an otherwise unbelievably bleak existence, it would be a chapter-long fart joke.
Except you’re not going to send it to me, will you, or if you do it’ll get lost on the way here because things always go wrong when organisms get involved. Oh god I get so depressed even thinking about how incredibly stupid you all are. I think I’ll go gnaw my leg off now.
—-
In the meantime, my little-girl-dying-of-cancer personality wrote a limerick (there’s nothing else for me to do here at home now that the hospital kicked me out ’cause we couldn’t afford it anymore and it’s so cold I have to think about something else to take my mind off of it *pitiful cough accompanied by heart-meltingly sweet brave smile*):
“Scalzi got people to try
to bribe and extort and lie
for the ARC
of the TAD
–I hope it comes ‘fore I die.”
—-
God also wishes to remind you to think of the kittens.
Two more reasons:
1. September 13th aka Holy Bacon on Cat Day is my birthday.
2. I will be at Philcon. You will be at Philcon. Save the postage. Save Krissy a trip to the post office. Just hand over the book. To me. At Philcon.
The oldest piece of writing of yours that I remember reading was your newspaper article on pig-wallowing and giraffe-hunting. I wonder what Newt is doing today.
I am currently participating in a Blog-Survivor competition. Of course, it’s not called that. Legal reasons. It’s called MortalBlog (.com). Wait, this is going somewhere.
Yesterday there was a challenge where we were supposed to get everyone to believe we believed in some conspiracy theory. Our choice. I decided to take a risk, and started posting links to the Protocols, Holocaust Revisionist sites, and was titling my posts with “Mel Gibson was Right.” I was successful. They believed me. My “health” took a dive. I assumed if I could survive 24 hours, when the challenge was revealed, everyone would come back and reverse the trend. I got a few points back, but I’m significantly below where I was. I need help.
I was the only one who took a risk yesterday. Everyone else was talking about how Jim Morrison was alive, or how the moon landing was faked. Being able to say “I won an ARC from John Scalzi” might help me get some of my health back.
And being a SF fan, I am sure I will enjoy reading it.
If it helps, after your Cat/Bacon post, I did post a picture of a stuffed Spuds McKenzie with a piece of cheese on his head, and linked to your page, hoping to give you some more visitors. I may have gotten you 2 or 3.
Puppy
I really don’t think that I am the most deserving. The ARC should go to the estate of Sam, the world’s ugliest dog. Evil as he looked, Sam was loved by his owners and is sorely missed. They deserve comfort in their grief, and how better to comfort the owners of that freakish mutant extraterrestrial than by sending them science fiction? So I’m second most deserving of the ARC, tops.
What I really deserve is a hand-printed, double-spaced copy of the oh-so recently finished Last Colony. It’s all well and good that you tell self-contained stories in that universe, but can you blame me for wondering where you’re going with it? It’s been, what, seven or eight years since Ghost Brigades came out? And now you tell me I have to wait untill May 2007 before it hits the shelves? I don’t deserve this!
Why am I worthy of this prize beyond prizes? 1) My Ghost Brigades hardcover is lonely and 2) I asked first.
I won’t tell a soul, especially not the folks at Tor. I’ll keep it in mylar and I will never touch it without gloves and a dust mask. Would erecting a shrine be going too far?
Before mailing, can you sign the first page in bacon grease? That would be great.
Excuse me, I’ll have to sign off — my inflated sense of entitlement is making it increasingly difficult to reach the keyboard. If it comes to it, I’ll settle for the “Android’s Dream” ARC.
Oh, this isn’t a second entry, it is an addendum to the first filing. Ahem.
– I measured, and the shelving units devoted to Science Fiction in our fine Brooklyn loft have exactly about 2.5″ left to fill before we have to get another shelf. This, if you’ve ever lived in an urban environment, entails no end of hair pulling, wallet sapping visits to feax-nordic enspired commercial spaces, sometimes house-moving joys, but in general, sometimes is actually difficult. You, my fine author, could push us over the edge with just this book.
I remain yours,
The Lord of the Snow Monkeys
I deserve it because I live in Tromso, Norway, which is on the same latitude as Northern Alaska!
I don’t desrve it. Not in the least. So I shouldn’t get it.
Dear John,
I believe I deserve a copy of The Android’s Dream because I kinda liked Old Man’s War, and I’m not quite ready to give up on your science fiction work…yet. Let me know what you decide.
Thanks,
Paul
Dear Arlo Midgett,
It took me 27 scroll wheel turns to get past your comment. I hope one day you go out to your mailbox and find a package from John Scalzi, and after excitedly running back inside and tearing it open, you find it is stuffed with several pieces of corrugated cardboard coated in goat’s blood. And a piece of mouldy cheese.
Love,
Paul
Oh God. Oh, sweet merciful lord thank you. Your timing could not be more prefect, Mr. Scalzi. See, what it is is that these men in ski masks carved their way through my door with an electric spork the other night while I lay sleeping with my wife (who, I should add, is currently forced to sell her organs one by one to pay her way through college, although with only a spleen, one kidney and something that may be just dryer lint left, we’re not sure if she’ll be able to stay long enough to at long last receive her BS in Basketweaving). These madmen did not harm me or my lovely but dyspeptic wife (you’d be dyspeptic too if you’d sold your stomach to DARPA), but they reached into our unheated apartment and pulled out Mittens, our beloved Peterbald/Russian Blue mix cat. For days we sat waiting for a phone call, sitting by our empty phone jack praying for a miracle, before at long last, the terrorists’ demands arrived via passenger pigeon.
Mr. Scalzi, these are ruthless men from the American Science Fiction Advanced Readers’ Copy Liberation League and Knitting Circle (or ASFARCLLKC for short). I’ve no doubt you, being a man of erudition and a fervent follower of current events, have read about these inhuman monsters in Publisher’s Weekly, the New York Times and the Weekly World News, and are fully aware of what terrible lengths they will go to to meet their fiendish ends. The note explained that we had no more than seven days to acquire them an ARC of your novel if we wanted our beloved Mittens, who has been passed down through my family from generation to generation ever since my great-grandfather first set foot on the golden shores of the United States last Thursday, to return safely. If, by that time, we have not found them the book they desire, they will coat her delicate paws with honey and feed them to bears.
Mr. Scalzi, I do not blame you for giving them this idea. I understand that the ASFARCLLKC is devious and cruel and that almost any act an author takes could potentially be converted into terrorism — I’ve no doubt you remember the tragic day in September of 2001 when, inspired by Jonathan Carroll’s choice of breakfast cereal, they destroyed the Barnes and Noble in Grainland, Kansas — but I beg of you, please help us. We have tried and tried to talk them into waiting for the official release, and my wife has offered to sell the one of her toes that has not been reposessed to buy them a copy, but they simply replied that they do not negotiate with non-terrorists and shut the door in our face.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, Mr. Scalzi, I’m sure you, being the wise and educated man you are, are aware of the amazing leaps and bounds being made in feline prosthetics, but please understand that on our terribly limited budget, we could afford to give poor mittens nothing more than four tiny peg legs, and that the clacking and clattering of her running around all night long would rase the ire of our homicidal downstairs neighbor, and we’ve long tried to keep him from noticing us — through a clever system of climbing straight out the window from bed in the morning and aiming for a conveniently-placed dumpster, we appear to have convinced him that our apartment is unoccupied. But I have no doubt that the clacking of her little wooden legs on the moldy tile floors of our apartment would at long last end the ruse, and cause him at last to turn his attention from the variety of disemboweled barnyard animals in his bedroom to us.
But Mr. Scalzi, don’t just do this for me, or for my liverless wife, or ASFARCLLKC or even for dear old Violent Mel downstairs. No, Mister Scalzi, do it for your number one fan, for the one who believed in you when all the rest of us were sure that a world-famous author such as yourself was too busy signing book deals and negotiating peace in the Middle East to bother with the problems of ordinary people like us. Do it for the one who never lost faith in you, even when all seemed hopeless.
Mr. Scalzi, do it for Mittens.
Nice place you’ve got here. Shame if something were to happen to it…
Umm… At the risk of sounding redundant: Please?
I deserve the ARC because I can kill you with my brain.
I deserve the ARC because at the very moment I am writing this, my one year old cocker spaniel is hovering above me with a sharpened spork taped to each of his front two paws. He has communicated with me that he will pounce like the cat he secretly resents not being if I do not write to win him the ARC.
So, please, to save me the pernicious fate of being stabbed by dueling sharpened sporks, please send me the ARC.
I do not deserve the ARC because I foolishly revealed a few threads back that I think you are merely great, not mind-blowingly astounding yet. I hope you will consider this my advance plea for the ARC of your tenth novel, however.
In lieu of me getting the ARC, I’d like to vote for Kevin aka Kero, Janiece, or Marianne Aldrich, whichever first pledges thier vote to my bid for president of DSAJS.
And since a good post doesn’t seem to be complete without a sci-fi movie quote (which have been hilarious!):
I deserve the ARC because I’m holding a thermal detonator!
I deserve the Ark of Tad because it would mean I’d never have to sell skunks for a living again.
It would mean I could complete my Holy temple of Sclazi.
It would mean my dream, creating “The Republic of Sclazistan” would be that much closer to reality. I would make a giant scale model of the Ark of Tad and illuminate it day and night so it would be visible from space! Giant speakers would blare quotes from the great book in twenty different languages night and day. Giant video screens would show the words with a bouncing red ball to guide the less than literate along as it was read.
It would be put right acros the the Temple of Goddess Krissy. In this temple, men are re-educated in the ways of respect. Women are taught not self defense, but self offense. And how to cook a Christmas banquet. It would shine upon the twenty five foot statue of her holding her weapon of choice, SLugger of Louisville.
It would also shine upon the Athena Scalzi education center, where children are taught the way the should be. That Cthulu will eat people who say Pluto is anything less than a full planet. And that Scott Westerfeld and Charlie Stross are to be respectfully thrown to the eldritch gods for supper at every chance.
This is why I beg you for the Ark of Tad.
I deserve the Ark of Tad because it would mean I’d never have to sell skunks for a living again.
It would mean I could complete my Holy temple of Sclazi.
It would mean my dream, creating “The Republic of Sclazistan” would be that much closer to reality. I would make a giant scale model of the Ark of Tad and illuminate it day and night so it would be visible from space! Giant speakers would blare quotes from the great book in twenty different languages night and day. Giant video screens would show the words with a bouncing red ball to guide the less than literate along as it was read.
It would be put right acros the the Temple of Goddess Krissy. In this temple, men are re-educated in the ways of respect. Women are taught not self defense, but self offense. And how to cook a Christmas banquet. It would shine upon the twenty five foot statue of her holding her weapon of choice, SLugger of Louisville.
It would also shine upon the Athena Scalzi education center, where children are taught the way the should be. That Cthulu will eat people who say Pluto is anything less than a full planet. And that Scott Westerfeld and Charlie Stross are to be respectfully thrown to the eldritch gods for supper at every chance.
This is why I beg you for the Ark of Tad.
I deserve the Ark of Tad because it would mean I’d never have to sell skunks for a living again.
It would mean I could complete my Holy temple of Sclazi.
It would mean my dream, creating “The Republic of Sclazistan” would be that much closer to reality. I would make a giant scale model of the Ark of Tad and illuminate it day and night so it would be visible from space! Giant speakers would blare quotes from the great book in twenty different languages night and day. Giant video screens would show the words with a bouncing red ball to guide the less than literate along as it was read.
It would be put right acros the the Temple of Goddess Krissy. In this temple, men are re-educated in the ways of respect. Women are taught not self defense, but self offense. And how to cook a Christmas banquet. It would shine upon the twenty five foot statue of her holding her weapon of choice, SLugger of Louisville.
It would also shine upon the Athena Scalzi education center, where children are taught the way the should be. That Cthulu will eat people who say Pluto is anything less than a full planet. And that Scott Westerfeld and Charlie Stross are to be respectfully thrown to the eldritch gods for supper at every chance.
This is why I beg you for the Ark of Tad.
I deserve the Ark of Tad because it would mean I’d never have to sell skunks for a living again.
It would mean I could complete my Holy temple of Sclazi.
It would mean my dream, creating “The Republic of Sclazistan” would be that much closer to reality. I would make a giant scale model of the Ark of Tad and illuminate it day and night so it would be visible from space! Giant speakers would blare quotes from the great book in twenty different languages night and day. Giant video screens would show the words with a bouncing red ball to guide the less than literate along as it was read.
It would be put right acros the the Temple of Goddess Krissy. In this temple, men are re-educated in the ways of respect. Women are taught not self defense, but self offense. And how to cook a Christmas banquet. It would shine upon the twenty five foot statue of her holding her weapon of choice, SLugger of Louisville.
It would also shine upon the Athena Scalzi education center, where children are taught the way the should be. That Cthulu will eat people who say Pluto is anything less than a full planet. And that Scott Westerfeld and Charlie Stross are to be respectfully thrown to the eldritch gods for supper at every chance.
This is why I beg you for the Ark of Tad.
I deserve the Ark of Tad because it would mean I’d never have to sell skunks for a living again.
It would mean I could complete my Holy temple of Sclazi.
It would mean my dream, creating “The Republic of Sclazistan” would be that much closer to reality. I would make a giant scale model of the Ark of Tad and illuminate it day and night so it would be visible from space! Giant speakers would blare quotes from the great book in twenty different languages night and day. Giant video screens would show the words with a bouncing red ball to guide the less than literate along as it was read.
It would be put right acros the the Temple of Goddess Krissy. In this temple, men are re-educated in the ways of respect. Women are taught not self defense, but self offense. And how to cook a Christmas banquet. It would shine upon the twenty five foot statue of her holding her weapon of choice, SLugger of Louisville.
It would also shine upon the Athena Scalzi education center, where children are taught the way the should be. That Cthulu will eat people who say Pluto is anything less than a full planet. And that Scott Westerfeld and Charlie Stross are to be respectfully thrown to the eldritch gods for supper at every chance.
This is why I beg you for the Ark of Tad.
I deserve the Ark of Tad because it would mean I’d never have to sell skunks for a living again.
It would mean I could complete my Holy temple of Sclazi.
It would mean my dream, creating “The Republic of Sclazistan” would be that much closer to reality. I would make a giant scale model of the Ark of Tad and illuminate it day and night so it would be visible from space! Giant speakers would blare quotes from the great book in twenty different languages night and day. Giant video screens would show the words with a bouncing red ball to guide the less than literate along as it was read.
It would be put right acros the the Temple of Goddess Krissy. In this temple, men are re-educated in the ways of respect. Women are taught not self defense, but self offense. And how to cook a Christmas banquet. It would shine upon the twenty five foot statue of her holding her weapon of choice, SLugger of Louisville.
It would also shine upon the Athena Scalzi education center, where children are taught the way the should be. That Cthulu will eat people who say Pluto is anything less than a full planet. And that Scott Westerfeld and Charlie Stross are to be respectfully thrown to the eldritch gods for supper at every chance.
This is why I beg you for the Ark of Tad.
Hate to say it, but even without any heroic kitten saving, Chang may have us beaten.
DAMN YOU SEBAGO SCUPPER!!!!
On June 6, 1944, I was with the 4th infantry at Utah Beach. A German infantryman’s bullet struck me full in the chest. I thought I was a goner, but when the medic cut through my fatigues there was no bullet hole, just a bruise. I thought it was a miracle, but then I remembered the copy of The Ghost Brigades that I had been carrying in my chest pocket. The bullet had pierced the cover and was lodged at page 133. Your book saved my life. Next month I’m going hunting with Dick Cheney, and I could use all the protection I can get. Damn you Scalzi, Give Me That Android’s Dream ARC!
Because I intend to bread and bake it to golden perfection.
Why do I deserve the ARC? How about this: Remember Patsy from WCET? She’s my sister-in-law, and she asked me if I had ever heard of you (this was a few weeks before your library appearance). I gave her quite a bit of information, including your Hugo and Campbell nominations. I would like to think that the information I provided helped the station when they covered the event.
I believe I am the only one here to have a device capable of boiling the Earth’s oceans in just ten seconds named after them. I believe that creating devices able to evaporate planets over the course of a week deserves recognition and not just the kind that involves customs agents snapping on rubber gloves when they see me approaching.
I deserve it because I rock. You dont believe me? Even my ex-girlfriend thinks so. My EX, for FSM’s sake!!! You want me to call her? I will . . .
I deserve the ARC because until a month or so ago, I didn’t even know what an ARC was. This is very, very sad because I have a book being published in March and my own ARCs coming at the end of this year. Everyone kept saying, “Won’t it be cool when you get ARCs?” And because I didn’t want people to know what a smalltown gal I was,I would say: “Yeah. Wicked cool.” So I need to touch and feel a real, live ARC and be reassured that someone who grew up in the Midwest hinterlands really is in touch with the publishing industry.
I also think androids are hot.
It’s not for me; it’s for my inner grammar nazi.
I am in the process to converting to andoidism (having chosen to become an android rather than a flying monkey since all they get to do is tear apart scarecrows and tin men and really, I want to talk to alien mice) and so I need a book that will help me to fit in. I mean, I’d hate to be like in highschool with all the other androids cliquing up against me and putting nasty “fucks electric sheep” signs on my back (like anyone would, I mean, think of the shorting hazards, no to mention real sheep are so much more loving and caring and friendly),and they probably won’t let me play in any of the android games because I don’t appropriately fit in. I need my android BIBLE man, and I need it soon. I gotta know how to dress, how to eat, the proper slang, the coolest gadgets, the way to walk and to talk and to act like a regular android lady!
Today is a rare day when I stay home and rest, to spend time with my children, to run errands my husband is too tired or sick to do himself, to eat meals cooked in my own kitchen instead of fast food or something I bought at the café along with the coffee I’ll be sipping all day at my desk.
Tomorrow, I’ll head back to work. I will gather up the videotaped testimony and the old Navy cruise books of a man who died of one of the most painful cancers imaginable, and arrange to have them sent back to his widow and his son. I’ll make phone calls to men who wheeze out their “hello?” through lungs that are ruined and clogged and will never, ever get better. I’ll answer paperwork sent by the lawyers of companies that lied for decades about how breathing near their products could kill you. Those lawyers will complain to me that the men trying to hold them accountable “aren’t really sick” if they aren’t dead or chained to oxygen tanks.
I’ll do this for ten or twelve hours before I come home to have dinner with my family, and then I’ll go back and do it all again for another three hours or so, until the coffee stops working.
And sometimes, when I can step back for a moment from the dying men who put their faith in me to get them a tiny bit of justice, I’d like to shut out my weariness and anger. I’d like to wait until the house is quiet, and the children are asleep, and I can curl up in the old green chair with a book about humanity’s future.
For a little while, at least, I deserve it.
.— — …. -. –..– / .. / – …. .. -. -.- / -.– — ..- / … …. — ..- .-.. -.. / … . -. -.. / — . / – …. . / .- .-. -.-. / -… . -.-. .- ..- … . / .. .—-. — / .- … -.- .. -. –. / -.– — ..- / -. .. -.-. . .-.. -.– / .. -. / — — .-. … . / -.-. — -.. . .-.-.- / .- -. -.. / .- .-.. … — / -… . -.-. .- ..- … . / .. .—-. — / .— ..- … – –..– / .– . .-.. .-.. –..– / -.-. — — .-.. .-.-.-
I’ve been reading science fiction for about 35 years and over the years I’ve gotten increasingly picky about what I read. When you’ve been reading sf for so long it’s difficult to find new, interesting, and original stories, written by good authors. Recently I found your book “Old Man’s War” and loved it, I’m hooked. I love your style, you are a great storyteller. I’ve ordered “The Ghost Brigades” and now I’m anxiously waiting for TAD.
I want you to know I’m a single mother and I’ve raised my son to be an avid reader and lover of sf. I’ve just sent OMW to him, and I know he’ll love it too. After reading only one of your books, I’ve become an enthusiastic fan. Whether you give me the ARC of TAD or not, I will buy the book when it is released (and your other books too). And, of course, I will continue to recommend your books to everyone I know (and anyone I see at the bookstore who looks like they need a good book).
I hope that you will give me the ARC of TAD, even if I don’t have the greatest reasons, except that I really, REALLY want it.
Thanks,
Kim
P.S. I also think it would be great if Krissy and Athena signed the ARC too.
.— — …. -. –..– / .. / – …. .. -. -.- / – …. .- – / -.– — ..- / … …. — ..- .-.. -.. / … . -. -.. / — . / – …. . / .- .-. -.-. / -… . -.-. .- ..- … . / .. .—-. — / .- … -.- .. -. –. / -.– — ..- / — — .-. . / -. .. -.-. . .-.. -.– / .. -. / — — .-. … . / -.-. — -.. . / – …. .- -. / .–. . – . / -.. .. -.. .-.-.- / -.–.- .–. .-.. . .- … . / -.-. — ..- .-.. -.. / -.– — ..- / –. .. …- . / .. – / – — / — . ..–.. -.–.- / .- -. -.. / .- .-.. … — / -… . -.-. .- ..- … . / .. / –. .- …- . / -.– — ..- / .- / – .-. .- -. … .-.. .- – .. — -. .-.-.-
Translation:
JOHN, I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD SEND ME THE ARC BECAUSE I’M ASKING YOU MORE NICELY IN MORSE CODE THAN PETE DID. (PLEASE COULD YOU GIVE IT TO ME?) AND ALSO BECAUSE I GAVE YOU A TRANSLATION.
Or, in keeping with Rules Number 2 and 3–that was just a test of this online Morse code translater. I recently got this Morse code message from someone trapped in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean. (I copied it down dit for dit so that I could translate it later.) It read:
.. / …. .- …- . / .. — .–. — .-. – .- -. – / .. -. ..-. — .-. — .- – .. — -. / ..-. — .-. / – …. . / ..- -. .. – . -.. / … – .- – . … / –. — …- . .-. -. — . -. – .-.-.- / – …. . -.– / .- .-. . / -.-. ..- .-. .-. . -. – .-.. -.– / — — ..- -. – .. -. –. / .- / .-. . … -.-. ..- . / — .. … … .. — -. .-.-.- / .. -. / – …. . / — . .- -. – .. — . –..– / .. / .- — / -… — .-. . -.. / — ..- – / — ..-. / — -.– / — .. -. -.. .-.-.- / .. / -. . . -.. / .- / -… — — -.- / – — / -.- . . .–. / — . / ..-. .-. — — / –. — .. -. –. / -.-. .-. .- –.. -.– .-.-.- / … — — . – …. .. -. –. / … .- – .. .-. .. -.-. .- .-.. –..– / -.– . – / … .– .- … …. -… ..- -.-. -.- .-.. .. -. –. .-.-.- / . ..-. ..-. . .-. …- . … -.-. . -. – –..– / -.– . – / .. -. – . .-.. .-.. .. –. . -. – .-.-.- / .- / –. — — -.. / .-. — — .–. .-.-.- / … -.-. .. . -. -.-. . / ..-. .. -.-. – .. — -. / .– — ..- .-.. -.. / -… . / .–. .-. . ..-. . .-. .- -… .-.. . / … .. -. -.-. . / .. / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.– / .-.. .. -.- . -.. / -.. — / .- -. -.. .-. — .. -.. … / -.. .-. . .- — / — ..-. / . .-.. . -.-. – .-. .. -.-. / … …. . . .–. ..–.. .-.-.- / – …. . / .. -. ..-. — .-. — .- – .. — -. / .. / …. .- …- . / -.-. — ..- .-.. -.. / … – — .–. / .– — .-. .-.. -.. / .– .- .-. / .. .. .. / -… ..- – / .. .—-. — / .- ..-. .-. .- .. -.. / .. .—-. .-.. .-.. / –. — / … – .. .-. -….- -.-. .-. .- –.. -.– / -… -.– / – …. . / – .. — . / – …. . -.– / –. . – / …. . .-. . .-.-.- / .–. .-.. . .- … . / … . -. -.. / — . / – …. . / – . -..- – / …- .. .- / — — .-. … . / -.-. — -.. . / .- … .- .–. .-.-.-
which translates to:
I HAVE IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT. THEY ARE CURRENTLY MOUNTING A RESCuE MISSION. IN THE MEANTIME, I AM BORED OUT OF MY MIND. I NEED A BOOK TO KEEP ME FROM GOING CRAZY. SOMETHING SATIRICAL, YET SWASHBUCKLING. EFFERVESCENT, YET INTELLIGENT. A GOOD ROMP. SCIENCE FICTION WOULD BE PREFERABLE SINCE I REALLY LIKED DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP?. THE INFORMATION I HAVE COULD STOP WORLD WAR III BUT I’M AFRAID I’LL GO STIR-CRAZY BY THE TIME THEY GET HERE. PLEASE SEND ME THE TEXT VIA MORSE CODE ASAP.
The military people say that their psych records on this guy indicate that the more spelling errors in the book, the better, if they look natural, and that only an advanced reader’s copy will fit the bill. (His job was copyediting for the military, all the intel reports, apparently–he was the only person who could be trusted with reading the material and not ending up with Post-Grammatic Stress Syndrome. A rare breed, and even if he didn’t have that information, they’d still want to rescue him so they don’t have to go to the trouble of finding someone else to go through the slush piles of the submissions to the various military magazines who won’t break within three months. He likes books with spelling and punctuation errors still in so that he can “keep up the old skills”. To me, that indicates that he’s already insane, but…)
Clearly, only the advanced reader’s copy of The Android’s Dream will do. (Quite a coincidence of timing, eh?) So, please, stop World War III! Save this man’s (particular breed of in)sanity! Send me the TAD ARC ASAP so that I can send him the text, typos and all!
Dear John,
You don’t know this yet, and won’t experience it for another thirty years, but in 2036, at Christmas time, your own android sheep (who you have aptly named HAL — don’t ask, you’ll find out eventually) will send me back in time to help you write The Android’s Dream. (Your sheep will be so invested in the writing of this book because it is this book that will cause robotic sheep to come about and become such popular pets — I know: you thought it was PKD — and eventually bring peace to the war that will have been long waged against… Well, I’m getting ahead of myself here.)
If I pointed out who I was specifically, it would suddenly dawn on you how much I’ve helped you with this work, but that would be cheating and would screw up the space-time continuum, among other things. (And goodness knows, just by writing this, I’ve done a little bit of messing it up already.) But if you did realize who I was and what I had done you would say “Oh, absolutely! You must have a copy of this book as soon as the United States Postal Service can deliver it!” because that is the nature of the situation.
And this is the situation: I will need a copy of the ARC to The Android’s Dream so I can come back in time and help you write it. And I can’t help you write it if I don’t know what’s in the book, can I? And I don’t currently know what’s in the book because it was the me of the future who helped you out (and who, incidentally, showed up at my door this morning and filled me in on all that’s going to happen and let me know you were giving away an ARC).
Now, you’re probably saying, “Well, why can’t you buy a copy of the book when it comes out, keep it for 30 years, read it several times, and then come back with the knowledge from that version?” That’s an excellent point. You see, the final edited version will be missing simple little mistakes, like spelling errors, that are actually an embedded code within the text that will be the key for you to program the first sh… wait. I’ve said too much about that already.
Needless to say, when you sit down to write your book it is imperative that you write what is now the ARC. But when you sit down to write it in the past, you won’t know what to write that will not only tell the necessary enjoyable tale that will earn you fame, fortune, and a Hugo, and a Nebula, but you will also need the bits that will save the world from des… crap. There I go again.
Sorry, I’m not very good at this yet.
Finally, the ARC has to come from somewhere. It can’t just be floating around with no origin like the watch in Somewhere in Time, for pity’s sake. What a plot hole that would be! Besides, this story has to have a McGuffin, and, of course, that’s the ARC.
Finally, it will make my life easier. This way me, or my future self, won’t have to go to all the friggin’ trouble of digging up an ARC via whatever criminal means necessary so I can help you when your past self writes this book.
So, please, please, sir, do your past self and future self, and my current and future self, a favor and send me an ARC.
Help me, John, you’ll be our only hope.
I’m coming to you in this alias due to the extremely sensitive nature of what I’ve got to tell you. All of the previous entries are nothing but an evil conspiracy against the future of literature.
NO, NO, don’t look now….they’re watching. Focus, dude, its just me and you, so pay attention. Good, now calm down and pay attention.
If you send the ARC to ANY of the previous posters the result will be that all future writers and teachers of writers will turn to other vocations. That’s right, instead of shaping young minds, the teachers who are now working in High Schools and Universities will say, “What the hell was I thinking? I can’t teach these adolescent morons to write”!! And the students? They’re going to suddenly see a very bright future in mortgage lending, or dog grooming or even the priesthood. But they will not be honing their craft. They won’t be preparing themselves to put words into an order, never before seen. They will never speak to a new generation of readers. The written word as we know it, will be a thing of the past.
And only you can prevent this tragedy. How, you may ask, will I bring writing to an end by awarding one of the aforementioned entries with the ARC. I can’t tell you (This is a public place after all). You just need to trust me. The only proof I can offer you on this posting is that I got my information from the guy you spoke with that time at the place (the one north of you, you know which place). The last time you spoke with him was on August 28th. There, I see it in your eyes; You DO know who I’m talking about…….and that any info from him has to be solid.
So do the world a favor and save writing; I’m talking SF/Fantasy, Mystery, Biography, Romance, ALL OF IT. You can save the written word. Just send me the ARC so that it can be safely hidden away.
NOTE: The edited version of TAD is perfectly safe to release to your reading public, in fact I’ve already pre-ordered a copy.
After reading this, don’t do anything sudden. Count to 500 slowly, turn off you computer and send Krissy to the Post Office. I know I can count on you to do the right thing.
Socky McSockpuppet
“Post-Grammatic Stress Syndrome” – That is freakin’ brilliant!
Which is odd of me to say, considering that Gwen, along with Chang, are actually alternate personalities of mine. I realize that you’re not the type to belittle someone suffering from multiple personality disorder, so I feel confident in making this revelation now. It is relevant because, unfortunately, neither the Gwen nor Chang personalities are particularly reliable – only the RooK personality manages to hold down a non-fictional address and interact with the real world (on occasion).
So, if you don’t mind, if you’ve decided to reward either Gwen’s brilliance or Chang’s sychophantism, please just send the ARC to RooK. I’ll make sure they actually get them, instead of losing the ARC by sending it to the raving make-believe addresses they’ll claim.
Thanks,
-RooK
If I don’t receive the coveted ARC of your fine new novel, I will be forced to move the time I had allocated to read it from my “reading” time bucket to my “masturbation” time bucket – and God knows that bucket already overflows.
Not only can you prevent forest fires, but you can also prevent Kleenex wastage and chafing.
I deserve the ARC of TAD because I make great pie. Apple and peach are my best, but I can made kind. If I win, I will make you and your family any type if pie you like, freeze it and ship it overnight.
The only other celebrity autograph I own is from Ty Pennington, and it includes the phrase, “U Rock.”
That’s got to be the most pathetic thing ever.
Darn it RooK, I was hoping that no one would comment on how brilliant that was so I could pretend like I made it up. Nope, actually it was Mark Orr in a thread about rejection letters and slush piles over at Making Light. (Comment 188 at http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/004641.html .)
Except he said “Post-Grammatic Stress Disorder” which is what it’s supposed to be. (Oh I wish we could edit our posts…)
Which you would have known had I been another one of your personalities! So you’re obviously lying!
Although you did give me a plausible-ish explanation for me being: a (potentially) murderous teenager, a dying child, Marvin the Paranoid Android, God’s Chosen One, and whomever else I claimed I was in my previous posts. I’ve got disassociative identity disorder! (Or I’m a pathological liar…no, we won’t go there.) But all of us would enjoy having TAD’s ARC.
Ha, RooK, and *I* actually know the proper name for the disorder we–er, I–have! How’s *that* for interacting with the real world? At least I was paying attention when we–er, I–took that Introductory Psychology class! That’s what you get for skimming over the assigned reading–aren’t you glad now you let me take the tests? We’d have failed otherwise.
And let me assure you, Mr. Scalzi, I certainly do have a real address. It’s a post-office box, so even if I’m really stark raving mad as RooK claims (stark raving mad in such a way that I make up an address instead, anyway; we all know that I am in fact at least half-raving mad), your wonderful book would go to an actual person. Like a lottery. Whereas other people’s* made-up addresses would probably be street addresses, so they wouldn’t go to anyone, unless perhaps the mail carrier keeps it. So I’m your best bet, here. Plus, think of the kittens. And the trapped man in the submarine.
*I’m not naming names *cough*RooK*cough*. But you know whom I’m talking about.
Reasons why I deserve your^H^H^H^Hthe^H^H^Hmy ARC, in no particular order:
1. I’m a robosexual, so you can rest assured I’ll enjoy it.
2. I’ll give you bonus points if you get the robosexual reference.
3. I only occasionally read your blog. (Oh, wait, I’m supposed to lie on some of these….)
4. I read Agent to the Stars, loved it, e-mailed you to say so, and I still plan to buy it in print. So I kinda “knew you when.”
5. I didn’t buy Old Man’s War until you got in bed with Sci-Fi. So I kinda “didn’t take advantage of knowing you when.”
6. I like free stuff.
7. I’ve combined all my entries into one, for your convenience and so you don’t get sick of my name!
Yer fan,
Kendall
Should I win the prize?
I turn my longing to art.
Come quickly, postman!
I deserve the ARC because I am a librarian who will read it, review it on my blog (with over 200 readers) and either display it proudly on my ultra-organised bookshelf, or pass it on to my book swap circle, most of whom also review online.
I deserve it because I have 40 lbs. of bacon in my house, and I believe that the only thing that would make your novels better would be if they were bacon-scented.
Because if I don’t get it, I’ll never buy one of your books again!
(Survey says–bwahhhh!! Sorry, wrong answer)
gone the way of pulp,
the electric sheep pastured,
the android dreams not.
yet I deserve this prize, book,
for metal cries for more dreams
And because I still haven’t sold the short story you didn’t take for the cliche issue. ;-)
Coming to this rather late, and it’s certainly going to be so damn hard to make an impression, but here I go anyway.
I deserve the ARC, because I’m a challenge for two reasons.
First, I’m a Scalzi virgin, having read only, well, this blog. Sending me the ARC certainly sounds like a fabulous way to get rid of that sad state, and I’ll even allow you to brag about how you got me to give up my Scalzi-cherry.
Second, I also tend to be very skeptical about the effective use of humor in speculative fiction, but if you’re confident in this book, then by all means I’m more than willing to be proven wrong.
Sadly, I can’t think of anything more convincing to add to that, so I guess I’ll just end by saying that my last LJ entry talks about the Pogues and Lovecraft. I also mention in passing some oddball Lovecraftian connections to Deep House and the Specials. I talk about dreams and cheese (including a “contested cheese”) and Gaelic culture. I even begin with an epigraph of-sorts that quotes Public Enemy lyrics…
All in one post!
I think I deserve the ARC of Android’s Dream because it’s my wedding anniversary today. Five years of wedded bliss, and winning the ARC would make it the best day ever!And, I once drove to Kokomo, Indiana to meet you and have you sign TGB and OMW; A signed ARC of Android’s Dream will complete my Scalzi collection without requiring you to visit Kokomo again. Don’s Books was nice, and the chocolates excellent, but really: Kokomo. Save yourself a trip and send me the ARC!If I don’t get it, at least make sure it goes to someone in the military; Indiana Jones foretold that an army that carries the ARC before it is invincible….
And, I can’t believe I’m the first person to make a Raiders of the Lost ARC joke….
Ewww, Andrew, he’s married. With a child. Could you have used a less–ewww-y–metaphor? Ewww.
Not even the “I’ll use it as porn,” “robosexual,” android-porn, and masturbatory jokes were quite so…ewww. Yuck.
Besides, who says that you’re the only person here who has never read anything by John Scalzi aside from off of his blogs? (Not that I’m talking about me, oh no, I’m talking about…some hypothetical person named, er, Gen, whose public libraries do not have any books by any “Scalzi” at all in the one’s science fiction section nor in the other’s pitiful fiction section…not me at all!)
Don’t worry, Andrew, you’ve made an impression.
–Overall though, this thread just reminds me how much I love Whatever. Shameless bribery, poetry, extortion, Morse code, lying, syncophantry, subtle threats, and science-fiction references abundant–it brings tears to my eyes. No matter our views on fanfiction, self-defensive violence, bacon taped to cats, the status of Pluto–we can all come together in ruthless cutthroat competition when something truly important (that would be the chance to lord winning over everyone else, by the way) is at stake. I love you all! (Even you!)
I’m also surprised that only two people actually said “Damn you Scalzi, give me that Android’s Dream ARC!” in their posts, and only one other person actually damned our host. (Although I also threatened that he would be damned if he didn’t give me the ARC.) Possibly because he has already admitted that he is in fact the devil, complete with photo evidence.
I think that makes him pre-damned, if he didn’t place out.
Nathan,
Hysteria in Brooklyn! :)
You can’t blame a gal for trying though. Sad attempt as it may have been!
Peace.
Lady Day
Me and the guys have been talking about it (they’re kinda stuck in my head, and don’t get out much, so they don’t have anyone else to talk to, really), and we’ve decided that you should send us the ARC because we can’t agree on what book to read next, now that we’ve finished Heinlein’s Friday. If you sent us the ARC, it would solve the dilemma for now, anyway. It’d be a great help. It’s really hard to get anything done with them yammering away at each other all the time inside my head.
Plus, we’re about done rehabbing my new (and first) house, and we’ll be having a couple of house warming parties (since we’ve got very little parking with parking only on one side of the street, and a fire hydrant there, we’re breaking it up into family and family friends, and friends who will be using the guest bedroom, aka the drunk tank), and we don’t have much to fill up my house yet. The ARC would look great on my living room table (which we’ll have to go buy, if we get the ARC), and it would be the perfect chance to preach the Gospel of Scalzi to our family and friends and arrange the field trip to the bookstore for them to all buy your books.
And finally, if we got the ARC, we could donate my copy we plan to buy when it comes out to our local library, which is sadly lacking in Scalzi goodness – and most literary goodness of any kind, but the Scalzi kind would be a good place to start.
Because I am the last person who requested it, oh, so politely. Sir. Please. GIMME!
As an update to my previous comment (and I understand the field is officially closed now) our new baby was born on Saturday night. It’s a boy. Which means, since I already have a girl, that I am officially going to be broke, spending all my money on new outfits. I don’t deserve a free book from you, but I sure could use one right about now…
Congratulations Neil.
Congratulations, Neil!
Dang! I just realized — I should have named him Scalzi, then I’d have been a shoe-in for the free book!
And thanks, Dan and Gwen!
Congrats Neil, don’t forget to show him to the stars and say, “Son, one of these days, all this could be yours.”
We’d love to review a copy for Meme Therapy. We’re getting about 8,000 to 9,000 hits a week plus we have a few hundred RSS subscribers (not sure how many actualy) at the moment so we can do some good flogging for you.
Jose
If I don’t get it, the kitten dies.
In all seriousness, I don’t really care if I get the copy because I’ll go out and buy the book when it’s released anyway. I just wanted to tell you that I was looking for something to read this past weekend, checked out the 2006 Hugo Winners and grudgingly checked out some book titled “Old Man’s War”.
Goddamn John! I read it Saturday from noon to 6 while my wife worked and I’ve read my favorite passages over and over since then.
I’ve got a new book to add to my favorites. I love your writing style, the humor and the ideas that I wish were reality.
The BrainPal (TM of course), MP-35 and “Hercules” model bodies are great sci-fi ideas on par with WormCams (Light of Other Days by Arthur C. Clarke) and Companions (Neanderthal Parallax series by Robert Sawyer).
Thanks for raising the sci-fi bar John.
– John